Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[jone]

So is that a yes or no? Weather is merely an excuse.


Get a sitter! Date. Either she is an extreme introvert or she is really not into you.  If the former, then you have to put more effort into it...

Misha,

Would you want to married to an extreme introvert?  Either way he loses. 

She is here from a foreign country.  No one around her even speaks her native language.  She has told him she will not be intimate with him until after she is married.  Now if that isn't a pig in the poke, then I've got a bridge from Brooklyn for sale.

Even if she 'dates' him, as Daveman is suggesting, ultimately he is buying, at best, someone who has demonstrated no affection and may not be possible for doing so in the future.  Did you ever wonder why she says that her former boyfriend (and father of her child) ruined her for intimate relationships?  Could it possibly be that she could not fulfill her marital responsibilities? 

An extreme introvert is someone to approach only with secure knowledge and confidence in oneself.  Very few times have I seen such marriages work.   Is the OP prepared to live a life where his spouse cannot interact with anyone outside of the immediate family?

And the idea that she is an extreme introvert is the best scenario currently presented.   

End it.

[Misha]

Would I marry an introvert? Well, I am an introvert so I do not exactly see us as spawn from Hell    Each pot has its cover 

[Daveman]

Do you think the woman is clueless about what is in her visa as reason for immigration? If yes, would it not be time to make it clear? If no, is this what she considers to be married life?
Should we force them to engage in a situation where it obviously does not come natural knowing chances are it will only delay the train wreck to a later date ?

There are a couple of angles.

"Do you want to get married" as opposed to intimacy, closeness, bonding, etc., etc..

I don't really think too much about this at all other than there are basically two strangers living together and contemplating a marriage deadline.   One or both may have ulterior motives. One or both may have some relationship disfunctionality.  One or both may be slap assed crazy.  I have no idea but it's up to them to make it or break it and there is at least time to date, have some fun and see what happens.

[Misha]

There are a couple of angles.

"Do you want to get married" as opposed to intimacy, closeness, bonding, etc., etc..

I don't really think too much about this at all other than there are basically two strangers living together and contemplating a marriage deadline.   One or both may have ulterior motives. One or both may have some relationship disfunctionality.  One or both may be slap assed crazy.  I have no idea but it's up to them to make it or break it and there is at least time to date, have some fun and see what happens.

I agree. Sure, we could lecture him on the would've, could've and should've, but what good would that do. The best he can do is try to get to know her as a person, and she him. What are the accusations? She can't cook? In the bigger scheme of things, who cares. My wife could barely make kasha when we met. Now, she is learning new recipes and I do my share of cooking as well. She likes to spend time online? Would it be better if she were to leave him home and go clubbing? Nothing he has written makes it seem as if she is evil or even has nefarious intentions. She is not typical, but even atypical people can get married and be happy if they find the right person. The real question is whether they can be a compatible couple and they have to take the time to figure that out IMVHO.

[Shadow]

There are a couple of angles.

"Do you want to get married" as opposed to intimacy, closeness, bonding, etc., etc..

I don't really think too much about this at all other than there are basically two strangers living together and contemplating a marriage deadline.   One or both may have ulterior motives. One or both may have some relationship disfunctionality.  One or both may be slap assed crazy.  I have no idea but it's up to them to make it or break it and there is at least time to date, have some fun and see what happens.

The point is, what can they actually accomplish here? Guiding Alina by telling her the steps she must take in order to get a green card? "Saving" the life of her and her daughter? Letting Jmana dig out his hole further to punish him for the actions that lead to this situation he is in now?

If they were stranded on a desert island and might be the last survivors of a worldwide disaster, they should try to make the best of it.
As it is the only thing that can happen is to transform Alina in to a green card girl that will one day find a man she does respond to, perhaps a tennis player with Asian background...

[Willowtree]

Jmana, may I.

I am a RW (well a Russian-speaking UW). And happen to be a health professional by education.
Thus, I'd like to give an opinion from these two perspectives combined. And I already foresee the "occupational" component to prevail.

What I have read about Alina's behaviour so far, makes me think of an unaddressed mental health issue (I second the poster who suggested that already).

Please get me right: I am not labelling or "diagnosing" here. Mental health is a vast concept - in encompasses a world of things from emotional to personality to cognitive aspects, etc etc. Such different problems as depression and autism, bipolarity, Alzheimers, learning difficulties, and schizophrenia - all belong there. And many of these issues do not imply low IQ at all.
(Here I am referring to your post where you link Alina's talent for violin with IQ. Don't, as it is not linkable. Different categories.)

Example. If I heard one of my patients mention smth like "these stories saved my life" - that would immediately set me alert. For suicidal thoughts, trends, or attempts. And I would get a mental health pro involved.

But that is all a theory preface. What I have to say sums up in several bullet points:

- IMHO, you are dealing with a definite case of social dis-adjustment.
- Some of such cases cannot be remedied with time and even effort - because they are rooted in mental health. Again, with IQ fully preserved.
- I cannot say (and noone could, without specialist assessment) whether Alina is one of these cases. 

The question now is as follows.

Presuming Alina IS found to have a mental health problem (diagnosed).

Are you prepared to deal with what it entails, on and off, "till death do us part".

I respect the feelings you have for Alina - and yes people live with "special" partners, they find their ways.
But I hope you realize that should a problem be there, it won't be "cured" by love and affection. It can be helped by that + lots of sound professional help - but not cured.

So ask yourself. 

As for me, I can see myself respecting either of your choices.

Another thing is responsibility for consequences of either option, and how you feel about it. But I do hope you have thought it through. Both paths. If not yet - do.

I do wish you well.

WT

[southernX]

jeez,

all of this diagnosis of alina,  mine included is being suppositioned mostly from jmanas writings of his thoughts & perspectives  , which we already know can be off the mark somewhat

id bloody well love to see or hear a word from the lady herself about her perspective and feelings of whats going on here for her and her child


i dont see any issue with her not wanting to have sex until after marriage where a child is involved , it does not mark her out as anything but probably religous and conservative , not disfunctional or asexual etc etc ,
imho it is quite typical of a mum with a child before marriage living in the same house , she has advised him it will change after marriage , show some trust and believe it jmana
it can be sign of good values on her behalf , take it as such , try to put it in the context of who you know her as a person to be , even given your lack of time together , you must have an idea of her values by now ,

there was a time when it was considered a good thing for young people to not put out at the drop of a hat
now theres something wrong if they dont , 

there was some spark between them deep enough to get this far down the road in the visa procees, the details we dont know enough of , but it would seem some thought would have gone into the decision on alinas part , especialy with a daughter

this process takes time to get a K 1 VISA   people dont just leave usualy without considering its consequences ,
all hypothertical stuff
i for one dont subscribe to all the shallow motives being put on her , given what might be deduced from her actions in regards to sex , she may well be a deep thinker with conservative values who doesnt express herself with alot of fluff ,like westerners are used to ,  possibly she rather thought jmana would just ''KNOW '' what she felt . thought etc and how to behave .her experience in how to deal or explain with men in her life is limited by the lack of it , she simply may not know and just expect jmana will know ??
 on arriving it has all been the opposite for her & her interactions with him , he has made some blunders, god knows what may have been said or done between them and how she may now be reacting to that ?[jmana certainly is ]  possibly she has withdrawn into a comfort zone , unable to decide which direction to take ,
should she stay with a guy who she now realises isnt what he presented to her on his only visit ,
was he totally honest with her in all areas ?
does he now meet her expectations of husband material ?
what if she decided to go back ? family /friends , etc, the humiliation , future prospects, ?
given how jmana flips about in his anxiety to get it right with her , she must wonder if he can handle the responsibility etc etc,
what is the message he is giving off to her ??

give the lady  a break
most married guys know by having lived the experience that the hubby needs to be all thigns at all times and be the rock of steadfastness /responsibility in the first few months or years , shoulder the load etc,

her computer use may not be all that bad , we are only told it is bad by jmana , her child is bad etc etc

one  might truly wonder what the lady might have to say if she knew how she was being portrayed here

she has a daughter , so  she has had sex with at least one guy ,who got her pregnant and buggered off ? maybe the experience has taught her to not be so giving so easily next time around & trust promises given by foreign guys ? 

how many of us married to FSU women  have experienced them to be totally bubbly and bouncy positive first thing in the morning ,?  how many of them like to sleep in as long as possible , ?? how many of them like to use the laptop , read blogs, or other news , storys etc, .....  reasonable amount id guess ,
to call it negative , or socially mal adjusted just because it doesnt fit ones own personality expectations is poor form  imho ,

we need to knwo more or judge less here imho , as there are lots of reasonable answers to ''why ''

jmana is by living with alina permanently , only now discovering what many of us in part knew about our future wives before they arrived to us , , his reactions to it are just him coming to terms with the reality of having his fantasy of expectations in his head of how it was going to be , now  not met by alina to date

their collective dilema is to start to communicate , together as soon as possible , be honest with each other and see where it leads their future , together to try , ?? or better off to walk away calmly and take care of each other as best as possible
this is their main critical imperative action asap

i see signs it is still too soon to know, , but maybe in overly optimistic ,

jmana , small simple things like reading to her daughter are great ,nicely done  , more of the same id reccommend ,     it doesnt take money or big effort WOW factor to get a human response , just small consistent careing efforts can slowly show improvements & shift emotional responses to you positively

but it does take time and patience ,

SX

[jmana]

southernX,
Thanks for another good post that really sums up everything in a balanced way.  I think you are right about the sex thing, I think she feels that she made a mistake and was lied to by Maria's dad, and look what happened, the guy took off and she was left raising a child alone.  Maybe she equates having sex before marriage with failure.  I am not too concerned about it, because I don't have a huge sex drive to begin with, in fact my last relationship was with a Korean girl who had a HUGE sex drive, she wanted it several times a day, and I just couldn't keep up, and it caused us to drift apart.  Right now I just have to figure out a way to sit down and talk to her.  I thought I would be able to this weekend, but I had a big superbowl party at my place tonight and was cooking and cleaning all day prepping for it, and she went to church this morning.  Yesterday her daughter was in a mood most of the day, and it made Alina in a mood for the latter part of the day, so I thought it wasn't even worth trying to talk to her.  Maybe I should write it down?  I hate having a conversation that way, but damn, I feel like it's nearly impossible to get even 5 minutes of undivided attention from her.  I really wish I knew what she was thinking, that's the most frustrating thing, she doesn't tell me anything about how she feels so I have no idea where to even start. 

[CanadaMan]

jmana is by living with alina permanently , only now discovering what many of us in part knew about our future wives before they arrived to us , , his reactions to it are

under the same roof,

[southernX]

under the same roof,

yeh , fair point ,maybe its not permanent ,  but im sure most got the drift that  he is now living with alina 24/7 , so he is suddenly confronted with a huge learning curve about her and her daily habits , and same for her

I thought I would be able to this weekend, but I had a big superbowl party at my place tonight and was cooking and cleaning all day prepping for it,

jesus wept jmana are you serious ??  where are your prioritys man ??  you say you have invested a lot in this relationship and your bringing in people alina doesnt know to party in her home about probably something she doesnt want or understand ?  even if you asked her she is not acclimatised enough to possibly understand what your asking [and your still calling it your place ?? it is her home now for as long as she is invited to stay , get it into your thinking /consideration asap ]
you as the ''man '' should know this would be a huge no no

would it kill you to miss one superbowl party??  i cant express how dismayed i am at this action of yours jmana ?  in her new home  you invite strangers drinking beer and partying , people she doesnt know or yet trust around her daughter ??  just stop and think about it man ??

can you understand why it may cause her to withdraw from you ? you are displaying all the signs of a child  , who enjoys watching games , but cant put his family first ? and your thinking she is the one with a game problem ??  see the other perspective here jmana ??  your the man , earn that spot and she will most likely respect you and open up to you , your not going to get close if you dont reflect on your actions mate &change them imho

edit ------if you both survive this and go ahead together ,she has settled and trust/love has grown deeper ,  you can probably be sure in 2-3 years time she wont care to much if you want to watch superbowl , so long as your a good husband and father to your family , you will enjoy your games

she went to church this morning

did you go with her ??  did you offer to go with her ??  even if she said no to your offer, just go anyway ??
you complain you dont know what she is thinking , but you wont make an effort to find out either ?
hanging with your mates watching footy , letting your wife go out on her own to bond with new people in church !!
bloody hell no wonder she withdraws to the computer ,
or she will bond with the church people well before you , then you can assume  they have been  giving her bad advice

Yesterday her daughter was in a mood most of the day, and it made Alina in a mood for the latter part of the day, so I thought it wasn't even worth trying to talk to her.  Maybe I should write it down?  I hate having a conversation that way, but damn, I feel like it's nearly impossible to get even 5 minutes of undivided attention from her.  I really wish I knew what she was thinking, that's the most frustrating thing, she doesn't tell me anything about how she feels so I have no idea where to even start. 

your not able to get five minutes of her attention ??  really , how long does the footy with mates go for jmana ??  yes the seahawkes won good on em , hope it was worth it , your mates must be much more important than your new fiancee and family

are you a man or a boy ??   what is it that'' YOU ''  really want jmana ??  a marriage & an equal life partner or boys life with mates ??

your trouble all stems back to you and your actions , right from not meeting her enough in her own country , then the whole airport 10 hour drive thing ,

get serious , make your family a bloody priority in your life , join in her life and start to share  it with her , even sometimes if you dont want to

the more you write the more i can see your hand is on most of the issues imho jmana

make up your mind if your going to continue like this , or are you able to take along hard look at yourself and improve what you see before you ??

you can do it , but your the only one who can !!
SX

[southernX]

jmana ,

just to flush out a bit more info are you able to advise of the following

how does alina access money now ? does she have her own card ?or bank account ?
did you set up a joint account with her or do you give her cash if she asks ?


where are living ?in your own home ? a rental ?  an apartment unit ??

who is in her social network ?you , your family , your friends ??  her church group ? who is the lady able to share with if she wants ?

how does she get around ??  bus , taxi , or walk ?? do you drive her everywhere ??
can she drive ?, does she have a car ?

bottom line is , what foundation have you laid down together already to give her security for her and her daughter as your new family here in there  new country & home ??

there are  lots of insecuritys when people go through this type of big move , how have you covered it so far for them both and yourself to build trust between you both ?

SX

[Ade]

the more you write the more i can see your hand is on most of the issues imho jmana

And, click!, finally there it is.

I don't understand why so many of the rest of you just don't get it. Perhaps you don't recognize it because you are equally socially obtuse?

Let's all just hope that the innocent kid in all of this comes out as unscathed as possible shall we. The sooner her mother gets her away from this social incompetence the better.

Oh, and fwiw jmana, several times a day is not "HUGE" or even very big in terms of sex drive for people in their early thirties.

[southernX]

And, click!, finally there it is.

I don't understand why so many of the rest of you just don't get it. Perhaps you don't recognize it because you are equally socially obtuse?

ADE , it was pretty clear from reading his airport scenario posts, I THINK MANY GOT IT !!

but many decided to still try and help the guy , while he remains listening , he may take the message on board, and grow himself , .on the other hand turn off the radio and you will never hear the news or learn to dance to the music !!

get my drift ade ?

SX

[Willowtree]

Just have re-read own post. Way too much theory, vague.

What I should have said is that IF Alina happens to be e.g. mildly autistic or clinically depressed - her communication struggle, aloof disposition, self-esteem, etc. are likely to take a HUNDRED times more work & patience than in case of a plain change shock/feeling lost.
The question is how long is Jmana is willing/prepared to work-and-wait for - and when to regard it as no result. No recipes here, unfortunately.

And if the result does come through AND is sustainable - the better!

On the other hand: IF everything is simple, no mental issues and Alina just sees everything as a huge mistake - she won't tell that openly I am afraid. Her way will rather be...sort of a "silent strike". Like now.

Getting her to talk would be a huge achievement.

Now that's it.

[BillyB]

I feel like it's nearly impossible to get even 5 minutes of undivided attention from her.  I really wish I knew what she was thinking, that's the most frustrating thing, she doesn't tell me anything about how she feels so I have no idea where to even start. 

The more days, weeks, and months you spend with Alina, you'll continue to find more things you don't like about her compared to the things you do like.


She gives more undivided attention to anime than you. That should tell you something. When you bother her during her internet sessions, she acts grumpy so you wouldn't enjoy being around her and blames her behavior on a Russian character trait so you don't hold it against her. You feed her, house her, and supposed to be her future husband. She doesn't respect you enough to give you more than 5 minutes attention at any time and is grumpy all the time when you're around.


Grab and hold her hand and say "I'm sorry, I can't marry you. We are different people and I will do my best to help you go back to your life in St. Petersburg." She will either agree or begin to give you a whole lot of attention with suggestions on how to make the relationship work. Don't delay. The hole you're in keeps getting bigger and harder to climb out.

[Shadow]

If someone wants to think about Alina's motives to move with her child, it is pretty simple.
She is 28, has no job that can bring a good future, has no place of her own. In russia she is DWL (divorced with luggage) meaning she will have huge trouble finding a decent man. So when a stranger invites her to live in a country that can give her a better outlook, as people know women have a better position in general in America, she may feel she has nothing to lose.

There is even a possibility that Alina sees the purpose of the K-1 different from Jmana, she expected that as soon as she arrived wedding preparations would start and not a 'trial period'. Which might make her wonder why the hell he does not make any effort to get married.

I may seem to press for a fast return, the reason is simply that the longer they are together, the more jmana will be finding excuses for her behaviour, ultimately he will end up married to her. I simply can not nee that one last.

Jmana you said that Alina seemed to like the game, did you make her part of the party or was she shut out?

[Ranetka]

The latest post from jmana made me change my opinion - I now think it's better to end it all soon.
 

[jmana]

jesus wept jmana are you serious ??  where are your prioritys man ??  you say you have invested a lot in this relationship and your bringing in people alina doesnt know to party in her home about probably something she doesnt want or understand ?  even if you asked her she is not acclimatised enough to possibly understand what your asking [and your still calling it your place ?? it is her home now for as long as she is invited to stay , get it into your thinking /consideration asap ]
you as the ''man '' should know this would be a huge no no

would it kill you to miss one superbowl party??  i cant express how dismayed i am at this action of yours jmana ?  in her new home  you invite strangers drinking beer and partying , people she doesnt know or yet trust around her daughter ??  just stop and think about it man ??

can you understand why it may cause her to withdraw from you ? you are displaying all the signs of a child  , who enjoys watching games , but cant put his family first ? and your thinking she is the one with a game problem ??  see the other perspective here jmana ??  your the man , earn that spot and she will most likely respect you and open up to you , your not going to get close if you dont reflect on your actions mate &change them imho


did you go with her ??  did you offer to go with her ??  even if she said no to your offer, just go anyway ??
you complain you dont know what she is thinking , but you wont make an effort to find out either ?
hanging with your mates watching footy , letting your wife go out on her own to bond with new people in church !!
bloody hell no wonder she withdraws to the computer ,
or she will bond with the church people well before you , then you can assume  they have been  giving her bad advice

I should have clarified, she is the one who was interested in seeing the Superbowl.  I am not a sports fan, at all.  She isn't either, but she was curious about it, and I figured it would be better for her to invite people over here (these are people she has met before, and that she likes), than to go somewhere else considering they like to go to bed around 9.  I guess she liked it okay, although by the end of halftime she had Tweeted that she wanted to get back to her "Japanese boys" . 

I did not go to church with her this week, I did last week though.  Thing is I am all too familiar with the Orthodox church, I went for about a year with my ex, and I know that every week is the same damn thing.  I will never understand people that go to that church on a weekly basis.  But I really don't feel like standing (and I do mean standing) there for 4 hours when I have a house that needs cleaning (remember I'm the only person cleaning up after 4 people).  I had planned on catching the last part of it but I was baking a cake that just didn't want to get done, so I ended up getting there as people were leaving. 

[jmana]

jmana ,

just to flush out a bit more info are you able to advise of the following

how does alina access money now ? does she have her own card ?or bank account ?
did you set up a joint account with her or do you give her cash if she asks ?


where are living ?in your own home ? a rental ?  an apartment unit ??

who is in her social network ?you , your family , your friends ??  her church group ? who is the lady able to share with if she wants ?

how does she get around ??  bus , taxi , or walk ?? do you drive her everywhere ??
can she drive ?, does she have a car ?

bottom line is , what foundation have you laid down together already to give her security for her and her daughter as your new family here in there  new country & home ??

there are  lots of insecuritys when people go through this type of big move , how have you covered it so far for them both and yourself to build trust between you both ?

SX

We live in a home (4 bedroom 2.5 bath if you must know) in a residential development about 25 minutes from downtown.  Unfortunately there is no public transportation (no need for it), which sucks for her.  She has never driven.  She has some cash (I think around $200) but hasn't had to use it.  She also has a paypal account for online use.  She has some friends in the states, nobody close though.  One friend from Boston plans to visit here in a couple of weeks. 

[Gator]

Just have re-read own post. Way too much theory, vague.

I thought your post fine.  You added another perspective.  At this time jmana should be evaluating all possible explanations including those he never would have thought of.  And mental disorder is a possibility.

Mental health in Russia is woefully lacking, and if Alina has some type of mental disorder, I doubt it has been diagnosed much less treated.   People with a disorder can still function (e. g., work at a job, make a long flight with transfers to America); however, having a normal relationship with others is difficult. 

What I should have said is that IF Alina happens to be e.g. mildly autistic or clinically depressed - her communication struggle, aloof disposition, self-esteem, etc. are likely to take a HUNDRED times more work & patience than in case of a plain change shock/feeling lost.

If she does have some mental disorder, even if only mildly so, she will require much support from jmana.  What is interesting is that over time the spouses of depressed people tend to take on many of the symptoms of depression.  That was my experience (25 years with a depressed wife). 

To jmana's credit, he did not yell "Snap out of it" to Alina, which is what most spouses do because of mental frustration (I did at first).   Such harsh reactions are of no help, and can make it worse.  He seems to have the patience to possibly be a good caregiver.  But why take on that lifelong, onerous task if there is no love, no common children, etc.?????

jmana, if Alina requires therapy, it can cost easily $100,000 over a couple of years.  And most insurance plans reimburse little of the expense.  And then there are the medications, most of which will affect her libido.  Finally, depression can easily be inherited.  And a depressed stepmother is not good for your son.

The question is how long is Jmana is willing/prepared to work-and-wait for - and when to regard it as no result. 

A definitive answer will not happen in the next 45 days, which is essentially all the time that jmana has remaining to decide to marry or pay for her return to Russia.

Getting her to talk would be a huge achievement.

We see no signs that this is happening or will happen.

Note to jmana:  Neither Willowtree nor I assert that Alina is clinically depressed.  We are saying the possibility can not be dismissed, particularly given that her behavior is so odd.  If true, you will not enjoy a lifetime of happiness as her husband. 

[Willowtree]

Mental health in Russia is woefully lacking

Not in Russia alone... pretty much across the FSU. With scarce patches of hope mostly represented by international projects. Surely, still far from enough. Although they are trying.

People with a disorder can still function (e. g., work at a job, make a long flight with transfers to America); however, having a normal relationship with others is difficult.

...VERY difficult. They cannot handle it - or they can with loads of effort but then they explode. Or implode. Taking yourself with them on a "joy ride".
(Been married to a quite rough undiagnosed case of a bipolar - ironically, a WM. Took me three years to overcome my internal denial of the fact.)

What is interesting is that over time the spouses of depressed people tend to take on many of the symptoms of depression.  That was my experience (25 years with a depressed wife).

 

Much like codependence in families where one partner has an addiction of some sort. 

He seems to have the patience to possibly be a good caregiver.  But why take on that lifelong, onerous task if there is no love, no common children, etc.?????

Agree. I would understand a caregiver choice if there was great reciprocated love reinforced by child(ren), and then disaster struck - seen that happen. But.

And most importantly - Jmana does not have much time indeed.

[Misha]

Unfortunately there is no public transportation (no need for it), which sucks for her.  She has never driven.

Actually, if YOU were serious about the relationship, it would suck for YOU as YOU would have to teach her how to drive or at the very least pay somebody to give her driving lessons and YOU would have to get a second vehicle or find some way of giving her yours when she would need it.... YOU do not seem at all committed to this relationship.

[Misha]

But I really don't feel like standing (and I do mean standing) there for 4 hours when I have a house that needs cleaning (remember I'm the only person cleaning up after 4 people).  I had planned on catching the last part of it but I was baking a cake that just didn't want to get done, so I ended up getting there as people were leaving.

Let's see, you brought a woman from another country to marry her, a woman you did not know, but rather than take a good opportunity to share some time with her, even if standing next to her for four hours, you prefer to stay home and do the cleaning?!? I have to say, that you always have an excuse as to why you can't spend time together as a family: the weather is bad, the floors have to be washed...

[jmana]

Actually, if YOU were serious about the relationship, it would suck for YOU as YOU would have to teach her how to drive or at the very least pay somebody to give her driving lessons and YOU would have to get a second vehicle or find some way of giving her yours when she would need it.... YOU do not seem at all committed to this relationship.

Well, since you mention it, I do have a second car, so thanks for making assumptions    And I was planning to get her driving lessons, but she needs a social security card first, and it was recommended to wait a few weeks before applying for that, so we will go there this week and take care of that. 

[jmana]

Let's see, you brought a woman from another country to marry her, a woman you did not know, but rather than take a good opportunity to share some time with her, even if standing next to her for four hours, you prefer to stay home and do the cleaning?!? I have to say, that you always have an excuse as to why you can't spend time together as a family: the weather is bad, the floors have to be washed...

Sorry, but I don't see how standing there watching some old guy repeat chants and hymns over and over for 4 hours "spending time as a family".  It's not like we'd be talking to each other.  It'd be no better than sitting in a movie theater for 4 hours.  Besides, I don't think she wanted me to be there because she told me twice that I could drop them off.  I'm assuming it's because she feels uncomfortable doing all the "stuff" in front of me, like going up and kissing the cross (after who knows how many others kissed it) and lighting the candles.  When I did go last week she waited until I went outside with Maria before she did all that stuff.