Women with Children - more strongly worded advice

[jmana]

How much does the girl actually speak? Sngle words? How many? Sentences of how many words? 2? 3? 4? Multiple word sentences?


But more importantly, how is her receptive language? Does she understand everything? Does she answer questions? Follow directions? Like if Alina asks her to go to the bedroom and bring the brown teddy bear-would she easily do things like that?


They do allow a parent to interpret during testing, if the child only knows one language.

She says "no" really well    Other than that, she can say hi, occasionally yes.  She does follow directions, when she feels like it, which I'd say is about half the time. 

[Wayne]

The local school district can test Maria and start to find out what help she needs. You don't need to be low income for this to happen. Again, her hearing needs to be checked. You need to find out why she does not want to talk.
 
You are responsible to support them. You cannot force them to return to Russia. If they stay beyond the 90 days, and you are not married, you should contact USCIS.
 
I think you should ask Alana if she ever wants to have more children. A lot of Russian woman stop at one child, anyway. If she is sure about never wanting more children, she should get her tubes tied.

[Gator]

Jmana, I can relate. Let me tell you a story that I have never made public on this forum but might help you understand that others have experienced what you are going through and might give you the strength to cut ties.

Good story dogspot.  Thanks for sharing.

Patience has its rewards.

[jmana]

The local school district can test Maria and start to find out what help she needs. You don't need to be low income for this to happen. Again, her hearing needs to be checked. You need to find out why she does not want to talk.
 
You are responsible to support them. You cannot force them to return to Russia. If they stay beyond the 90 days, and you are not married, you should contact USCIS.
 
I think you should ask Alana if she ever wants to have more children. A lot of Russian woman stop at one child, anyway. If she is sure about never wanting more children, she should get her tubes tied.

I am going to call today to get some info on this.  I figure even if the marriage thing doesn't work out in the end, I am going to give this 100% up till the end so I don't feel like any of it was my fault.  At least maybe it will be possible to get her diagnosed properly, something they never did back home.  Alina said something about how they tested her in Russia and how the person put on a scary mask, weird.....  Needless to say nothing came of that testing. 
Her mother wants her to have more kids, I seriously doubt she would want more.  When it was brought up she avoided the conversation (I think because she didn't know how I felt about it).  As for me, I initially would have been open to another, but after seeing how much of a handful her daughter is, if we were to be able to make this work I don't see how bringing another child into it would help anything. 

[Wayne]

So, you need to talk to Alina about birth control. It seems like she had Maria when she wasn't ready to have a child and the father did not help out. Having another child would probably be a bad idea.
 
What you get from your public school district is a direct result of the effort you put into it. Knowledge is everything! You need to find someone who had a lot of experience help you. You need to find a group of parents of special needs students.
 
It would be good if you can find help for Maria, even if your relationship does not lead to marriage.
 
Also, it is entirely possible to get a second K-1 for the same person. You could choose to marry in Russia at a later date. You can keep your options open for now.

[BillyB]

It was an old friend of hers from back home that is now living here.  She came here on a tourist visa, and the person she was visiting hooked her up with an American guy

So, Alina knew this friend was living near you. It's very possible Alina came to America to be closer to her friend. Keep this in mind because you're trying hard to gain Alina's love and she's not trying very hard to earn your love.


Someone earlier said you started the k-1 before meeting Alina. Was this an exaggeration or true? Did the lady who hooked up Alina's friend with an American guy hook you up with Alina?

[jmana]

So, Alina knew this friend was living near you. It's very possible Alina came to America to be closer to her friend. Keep this in mind because you're trying hard to gain Alina's love and she's not trying very hard to earn your love.


Someone earlier said you started the k-1 before meeting Alina. Was this an exaggeration or true? Did the lady who hooked up Alina's friend with an American guy hook you up with Alina?

No I didn't start the K1 until about a month after meeting her.  And no, I didn't meet her friend until last week.  And I don't think her friend had any influence on her coming here either, in fact I flat out asked her last night if she wanted to marry me so she could come to the US.  She told me she never really liked the US, she said it seemed to her like we had just as many problems, if not more than Russia.  But she admitted that since coming here it is better:)   

[BillyB]

I don't think her friend had any influence on her coming here either, in fact I flat out asked her last night if she wanted to marry me so she could come to the US.

Her friend is already situated in America and living close to you. Makes one wonder pertaining to her behavior.

[jmana]

Her friend is already situated in America and living close to you. Makes one wonder pertaining to her behavior.

She's 11 hours away, so I wouldn't really call that close. 

[Jumper]

She's 11 hours away, so I wouldn't really call that close.

As a couple you have 99 problems, but a distant father or friend in the states
isn't one.

[Jumper]

I guess I never thought to ask her when I met her if she hated children, I mean that's not exactly the first thing that comes to mind to ask a parent you know?

As a single father, it absolutely needed to be a real question,
at the very least in your mind,  also you needed the time to really watch her interaction around children, and her own child.

She doesn't seem to want to be an involved mother to her own daughter, and its great she is being good with your son so far.
Those making excuses for her parenting behavior or her words regarding motherhood,  should consider they are her own words,  and far more likely to be accurate on how she feels than speculation from a forum.

Jmana as a single father , with custody of his young son, should very carefully consider her actually stated words on that subject,as they are far more likely ti be what she feels,  especially considering she has a good English level.
Her actions also indicate a bit of apathy ,and she does not seem to want to be involved in reading to her daughter, engaging her positively etc.
While we get only one side of the story-
she admits to being lazy ,she doesn't seem to cook clean wash clothes, or have any realistic ambitions towards employment.
She hasn't shown much interest in jmana.
More oddly she has yet to really put even a minimum  effort to try and make a home for her and her daughter, much less jmana and his son.

I do understand there are plenty of mistakes on both sides.
 I'm not sure what her redeeming qualities are, or why he would consider marrying a women he uses the term *but I do like her a lot*.

That term is used is a women you consider dating,
not at a commitment of marriage.
 If he so chooses, he can always  continue to date her, and if the relationship ever built to something further ,  he could file another K1 when they were both actully in love, committed and felt they shouls dpedn the rest of their lives together.

To start off with the bar set so low as , her being basically apathetic in the situation and  him *liking her a lot *?
 
Jmana- I know its a rough situation you got yourself into,
 carefully consider the positives and negatives of your relationship, how it effects everyone including both children.
 You are going to  have to make some very difficult decisions one direction  or another,and i don't see anyone actually involved in your situation that can help you.
You have two minors, and a immature woman who seems a teen at best maturity wise.
She has not thought this through at all
( neither of you seemed too , as of course her child care costs would be high, and her first job would be lower pay) nor has she seemed to make even the slightest effort. Putting away the lap top being viewed as some big break through should give you shudders.

You mentioned she cooked once, so a real question here-
Does she even address her own basic needs and her childs?

I'm not some 1950's neanderthal saying she should be suzy homemaker.
My point being, does she operate at the minimum level she would if living alone in her flat with her child on a daily basis?
Because as your story unfolds, doesn't seem so,with you working and doing the basic household chores.
Even an unemployed  roommate who cared a little about you, would help out
each day some?

I cant imagine her thoughts in all of this, but it seems doubtful she feels the commitment to marriage you both would hope for?

[Hammer2722]

As a single father, it absolutely needed to be a real question,
at the very least in your mind,  also you needed the time to really watch her interaction around children, and her own child.

She doesn't seem to want to be an involved mother to her own daughter, and its great she is being good with your son so far.
Those making excuses for her parenting behavior or her words regarding motherhood,  should consider they are her own words,  and far more likely to be accurate on how she feels than speculation from a forum.

Jmana as a single father , with custody of his young son, should very carefully consider her actually stated words on that subject,as they are far more likely ti be what she feels,  especially considering she has a good English level.
Her actions also indicate a bit of apathy ,and she does not seem to want to be involved in reading to her daughter, engaging her positively etc.
While we get only one side of the story-
she admits to being lazy ,she doesn't seem to cook clean wash clothes, or have any realistic ambitions towards employment.
She hasn't shown much interest in jmana.
More oddly she has yet to really put even a minimum  effort to try and make a home for her and her daughter, much less jmana and his son.

I do understand there are plenty of mistakes on both sides.
 I'm not sure what her redeeming qualities are, or why he would consider marrying a women he uses the term *but I do like her a lot*.

That term is used is a women you consider dating,
not at a commitment of marriage.
 If he so chooses, he can always  continue to date her, and if the relationship ever built to something further ,  he could file another K1 when they were both actully in love, committed and felt they shouls dpedn the rest of their lives together.

To start off with the bar set so low as , her being basically apathetic in the situation and  him *liking her a lot *?
 
Jmana- I know its a rough situation you got yourself into,
 carefully consider the positives and negatives of your relationship, how it effects everyone including both children.
 You are going to  have to make some very difficult decisions one direction  or another,and i don't see anyone actually involved in your situation that can help you.
You have two minors, and a immature woman who seems a teen at best maturity wise.
She has not thought this through at all
( neither of you seemed too , as of course her child care costs would be high, and her first job would be lower pay) nor has she seemed to make even the slightest effort. Putting away the lap top being viewed as some big break through should give you shudders.

You mentioned she cooked once, so a real question here-
Does she even address her own basic needs and her childs?

I'm not some 1950's neanderthal saying she should be suzy homemaker.
My point being, does she operate at the minimum level she would if living alone in her flat with her child on a daily basis?
Because as your story unfolds, doesn't seem so,with you working and doing the basic household chores.
Even an unemployed  roommate who cared a little about you, would help out
each day some?

I cant imagine her thoughts in all of this, but it seems doubtful she feels the commitment to marriage you both would hope for?

 

[die_cast]

I'm curious how jmana is doing there. 
When is the happy wedding day? 

[Southpaw1982]

I'm curious how jmana is doing there. 
When is the happy wedding day? 

Well, I am his first ex, the Ukrainian girl he talks about, btw maybe 60% of what he says roughly true about me, because nobody knows my side if the story which is more fun anyways. Jmana and I had much bigger problems in our marriage (he was more preoccupied with teen porn, and suppressed me; he was not my friend. Our marriage was arranged by my grandmother and aunt that took him in for cash, that is not what I wanted, it was completely forced and manipulated, I was 18 y.o. and did not know any better at the time).
I do find it extremely amusing that he says I left him because I wanted to be a "model “ and not a mother,  but not a word about him running me out of our house and making it difficult for me to improve myself as a professional. Yeah, because I left him and set him free to find his “dream woman”, ( well, I was not enough)… and had him look out for our son while I working 3 crappy jobs and going to college with nowhere to live… Because I left him, I was able to graduate from college and now pay much nicer child support for my son...Almost $500 a month for an immigrant girl! Not a bad deal…
He says nothing about that, huh... Being pretty is a bonus to me and my so called "modeling" is nothing but a hobby. I am 5,5  110 lb, 100% vegan and I have someone who appreciates me for what I am and for what I have been though. It was not an easy ride.
I am not a "model" I am a mother that wanted a better life for her child even though I gave him a primal custody ( see, you got to do what is best for s little one and put your own emotions aside), but looks like I am also supporting this Alina girl and her half autistic little child . Maybe this is exactly what Jmana deserves right now. I don’t mind if he marries her, he said he loves her a little. That is a good start, right?
God bless!

Added:
P.S. It is not meant to pick up fights. It is what it is.

[Hammer2722]

Wow! now we're getting to it! 

[BillyB]

Jmana and I had much bigger problems in our marriage (he was more preoccupied with prepubescent porn, and suppressed me; he was not my friend. Our marriage was arranged by my grandmother and aunt that took him in for cash, that is not what I wanted, it was completely forced and manipulated, I was 18 y.o. and did not know any better at the time).

Just when I thought I could get back to work after addressing the drama in the other threads, you show up and provide more drama. I'll stop typing and just stick to reading....in this thread.

[dogspot]

jmana, looks like you're up. 

[Turboguy]

So many times we hear only one side of a story and it is good that you found your way here and shared the other side of the story.  It is probably rare in a divorce when both partners have the same tale of what went wrong and part of human nature to think the other person had more fault.   


It sounds like you have done well at making your life the way you want it to be and that it was quite a struggle at times.  I think once we have gong through those difficulties it makes us stronger. 


Thanks and best wishes for the future.

[Southpaw1982]

No drama, just cutting through BS
I accidentally came across these posts,  I was actually looking for an old friend on here and I ran into these threads. I was pretty sure it was all behind us and did not think I was going to be mentioned at all. Anyways, no time for this. Good luck everyone!

[GQBlues]

...and thus one of my more longer crusade in these fora - the other side of the story.

I've always had the joker pegged as a loser since day one based solely what he exuded in his few initial postings.

[Hammer2722]

Karma, she is such a biatch!

[BillyB]

Anyways, no time for this. Good luck everyone!

Goodbye to you too. Everybody is free to believe who they want to believe but I wouldn't believe a poster that makes hit and run posts with such serious allegations.

[Southpaw1982]

Goodbye to you too. Everybody is free to believe who they want to believe but I wouldn't believe a poster that makes hit and run posts with such serious allegations.

I have nothing to prove to you.  It is just not worth getting into. Water over bridge, long time ago. It is no longer my problem. I divorced the guy. End of story.

[Southpaw1982]

...and thus one of my more longer crusade in these fora - the other side of the story.

I've always had the joker pegged as a loser since day one based solely what he exuded in his few initial postings.

It does not matter, he is what he is. Just was not for me.

[Muzh]

I have nothing to prove to you.  It is just not worth getting into. Water over bridge, long time ago. It is no longer my problem. I divorced the guy. End of story.

LOL
 
That was Billy's tender way of saying Don't go.