Renovation of the RWD 10 Commandments

[Shadow]

Wiki is not for discussion, and it can be edited and closed if someone tries to make it one. The idea is to give explanations and then refer to the forum for discussion and questions. If we use wiki as it is supposed to be, a source of information, it has a lot of potential.

[catzenmouse]

See... I knew one of the smart people here would know how to make it work!  Thanks Shadow.

Good thing I'm only here for my looks...

Ken

[Leslie]

I read something today which was posted by wild orchid which should definitely be included in this section -

"I can speak only from woman’s point of view. In a way, that in this situation the choice of husband was made with the head 90% and only 10% with the heart (or less and more). We had a poll few years back on women’s forum, asking if a woman loved her husband before she married him, majority answered NO, but married him because he seemed to be a very good person and she hoped she would love him in the future and have stable family. It is probably something you’d prefer not to know, but it is how it is. That’s why I think most of the marriages are arranged by us in some way, not just happened to be in love."

The core idea here is that most RW ARE NOT IN LOVE when they accept a proposal of marriage but hope to build a loving relationship in the future.

A Canadian guy who has been married a while (they have 3 kids)  said his wife admitted exactly this point of view.  My own wife has expressed a very similar view.  I agree with wild orchid - most FSU women look on a marriage proposal from a foreigner in this way.  It can be darker than this if she has another strategy.  Stepping stones to a better life in the west get trodden on!

So where does this leave all the rush along romeos who post on the boards?  They ALL express feelings of love.  Sometimes before they have even met.  Make the first trip with a ring in their pockets!  Propose marriage to a virtual stranger from another culture who they can't really communicate with because they don't  share a common language ?  Are these guys "in love" in reality or only in their own imaginations?? 

ALL the married guys will agree that the hard work really begins after your woman has arrived.  Maybe a year or more later you might be mutually in love.  That first year is helluva rough ride.  The best you can hope for at the beginning is a honest commitment to try to build a loving relationship.  However the guy feels remember she is not in love at the start.  You have to work real hard to make her love you.....

[Bruno]

...
The core idea here is that most RW ARE NOT IN LOVE when they accept a proposal of marriage but hope to build a loving relationship in the future.
...
So where does this leave all the rush along romeos who post on the boards?  They ALL express feelings of love.  Sometimes before they have even met.  Make the first trip with a ring in their pockets!  Propose marriage to a virtual stranger from another culture who they can't really communicate with because they don't  share a common language ?  Are these guys "in love" in reality or only in their own imaginations?? 
...
ALL the married guys will agree that the hard work really begins after your woman has arrived.  Maybe a year or more later you might be mutually in love.  That first year is helluva rough ride.  The best you can hope for at the beginning is a honest commitment to try to build a loving relationship.  However the guy feels remember she is not in love at the start.  You have to work real hard to make her love you.....

Good post but ... 

First, i think that the situation don't exist only with russian women... and maybe in some case, it is similar by men... Love is something who grow each day during relationship, who follow a living dynamic... in some case, love can die and in other it stay growing during all the life... Why give a limit of one year ? Why say that people who have just meet or only write to each other cannot feel love... this love is not a product of imagination, it is real but the intensity can be variable...

If a woman choose a man, it is because she find in you some quality she like, because she feel attracted... love is like a fire... something need to exist in the beginning... and it is a work of each day to make these fire grow, a never ending work...

The love % need to be strong enough for start a relationship... same minimal a minimum of love is needed...

So people are in love when they accept marriage, russian or not, men or women... but it is only a start... and it have no end... of maybe until your own dead but in some case, the remaining partner continue feel love for the missing partner and is not able to start new relationship...

People who marry without have a minimum of mutual feeling are really crazy... they are gambling with the future, hoping that something will appear... if you feel nothing for your partner after some time together, seek a other partner... and when i speak over "time", i mean a few week...

In the example of "Wild Orchid", you find already 10% of love, a good start... only 1% is a start... but 0% ( not in love ) is nothing and build a relationship on nothing stay nothing... a little can grow, nothing can never grow...

[Leslie]

Bruno,

I agree everything starts with chemistry.  I also agree that love needs constant nourishment.  We can debate endlessly on the definition of love and get precisely nowhere.  The point I was trying to make is simple.  As a romantic you may find this hard to accept but IMHO it is correct. 

Relate what I posted to your own life experience.  Did your ex Russian wife ever love you or were you just a "stepping stone"?   I think she had another strategy from the begining, but you failed to see it.  I reckon you loved her.  I think you still love her child. Did love cloud your vision?
 
 

[Bruno]

Relate what I posted to your own life experience.  Did your ex Russian wife ever love you or were you just a "stepping stone"?   I think she had another strategy from the begining, but you failed to see it.  I reckon you loved her.

She have never love me but she was with a agenda from the beginning, maybe before the beginning ! This show a other point : feeling need to be mutual...

I think you still love her child.

I love the souvenir from her child... but these love fade with time, specially when it is several year that you don't see the child !

Did love cloud your vision?
 
Yes, partily... strong love can shutdown your brain, you can begin act in a irrational way... love can make partially blind... and it is why my actual strategie was a long diep communication before meeting where i can detect the possible anomalie !

[Daknack]

We all know that there is no definitive list until the posting of the Knack is up and running.  Well here it is.  Part is from this site, and what I think is good from posts here, elsewhere, my personal opinions (which are without flaw of course), and just plain damn sense.

1.   Don’t be a Dumbass.  Use your brain.  If something is too good to be true, it is exactly too good to be true.  If Elena is in love with you after 4 letters, your brain should tell you something isn’t right.  DO NOT GET CAUGHT UP IN FANTASY.  Ground yourself in reality.

2.   Don’t send money to people you have never met.  Don’t be looking to buy love.  At best love can only be rented.

3.   Educate yourself.  This is not an endeavor for the lazy. There is a lot to know and learn.  Get moving.  Know that your chances of success go up exponentially if you share a common language.  That means if she doesn’t speak English she needs to learn, or you need to learn Russian.  Actually learn it anyway.  If you’re using an agency educate yourself!  Do your homework.  Do they have a reputable way of conduction business?  Have you gotten any references?  Does anyone have anything bad to say about them?  Learn the culture!  One of the best ways to do this is to insert yourself into the local Russian community and make a few friends.  The people and personalities that you meet are going to teach you a whole new world of information.  Want to know what you’re going to be living with?  Take a look at the wives in the Russian community.  Yeah it’s hard; if it was easy everyone would be doing it.

4.   Always have a back-up plan.  If this means just hanging out by yourself and having a nice vacation, so be it.  But make sure it is what you want!  There are agencies everywhere that for a very small fee can introduce you to a lady if worse comes to worse.  Just don’t rely on one roll of the dice.

5.   Remember one rule of Agency use.  They are a double edged sword.  A good small scale and reputable agency can be an invaluable ally in your quest.  Likewise a dishonest agency can leave your pocket drained in a foreign land where you don’t know the local customs or language.  Rule #2 is in full force.  Do your homework.  If you choose to use an agency, it doesn’t hurt to sometimes find others to do some of your work (translations, sending gifts, etc).

6.   Verify the ladies you are writing to are real.  Always get the lady's home address and home phone number as early as possible. 

7.   Be in control of your emotions, finances and situations.  Be introspective.  Comet Nosce: Become acquainted with yourself.  If you’re not comfortable with yourself, how can you expect a woman to be comfortable with you?  If you know you are stupid and make mistakes given specific circumstances avoid them.  Do not be a desperate wreck of a man.  Women sense desperation like dogs sense fear, and it drives both into bloodlust, and not in a fun way.  Do not fall in love with photos!!  Do not allow your emotions to get the better of you.  Feel that tug to the lower left?  That’s a scammer pulling your leg but you were too blinded by her looks to pay attention.  Losing control of your emotions can cause $$$ to slip through your fingers when Olga is purring in your ear.  The most important part of this is to be prepared to walk away if you are not compatible with a woman.  There is no shame in folding your hand with some chips on the table if your playing with a lowball hand.  If she is dysfunctional run. 


8.   COMMUNICATION.  Show the ladies the real you. Be truthful.  Have honor and do your best to keep your word. Use current photos.  Always be yourself; unless you’re as obnoxious as the Knack.  Then it is best to pretend to be someone else.  But seriously, if you’re not funny, don’t try to be.  If you’re not wealthy don’t pretend to have a garage full of BMWs.  Communication is KEY to showing who you are to her and for her to show you who she is in addition.  Get to know her friends and family and tell her about yours.  Learn to relate to her physically, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.


9.   Develop a Modus Operandi that works best for you.  Do not rush into this! Take your time and be methodical, not impulsive, about this process.  Don’t try to do this in one trip.  Actually get to know your future spouse for god’s sake.  Plan out when you are going, research the area, and find things to do.  A mediocre plan is better than no plan at all.


10.   Treat international dating the same as internet dating someone from your home country. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MAIL-ORDER BRIDE! This process is akin to using e-harmony on an international level.  The biggest difference is the cost (travel, phone. etc). This is an expensive process. Don't believe anyone that tells you otherwise.



So says the oracle.