At the risk of some venomous spew...Hello

[KenInUtah]

Thanks guys,

All good responses though it seems like its split 50/50 on "backup" plans.  I am not making any and don't plan to.  I have dated enough to know what to look for, FSUW or not.  If this gives you any idea, on our call this morning (my time) she said that after work today she went and "bought" $100 instead of the sunglasses she has been wanting.  When I asked about "bought" she said it was exchanging RUB for USD and she wanted to save some dollars for living here.  I'd say that tells me enough.

[fathertime]

Ken, have a backup plan. Of course don't engage in a plan B when you're engaged in plan A with your lady.

I had a backup plan when I met my wife.   Sometimes men without any options will stay with 'option A' even though they see red flags or something slightly alarming...but if that same man has a 'plan B' to fall back on, he might me more apt to move on if it is appropriate to do so...or prob deeper into a concern which is a good idea to do anyway! 


Fathertime!

[Muckraker]

Oh c'mon...she's not actually telling you that she's saving up $$ for her life in America with you. She's questioning your finances.  Not necessarily a red flag, but depending on how you respond, it could well be for her.

Muck

[KenInUtah]

Yea, that's helpful...

[Gator]

It is chanklas with an "a" and it is -20F right now. The wind is a killer.

I remember those days the few times I went to Albany in winter.  The wind finds every opening in outer garments.   

chanklas?  Sounds too much like cankles. 

[fathertime]

I remember those days the few times I went to Albany in winter.  The wind finds every opening in outer garments.   

chanklas?  Sounds too much like cankles. 

chanclas may LOOK like cankles but it doesn't SOUND like it.


Fathertime! 

[BillyB]

  If this gives you any idea, on our call this morning (my time) she said that after work today she went and "bought" $100 instead of the sunglasses she has been wanting.  When I asked about "bought" she said it was exchanging RUB for USD and she wanted to save some dollars for living here.  I'd say that tells me enough.

I'd say that is unusual, even strange for her to be exchanging rubles for dollars so early in anticipating on moving to America. Maybe a move for investing but not for moving. You visit her in April and by the time you're done with the k-1, it could be a year from now she steps on American soil. She needs to keep some of her rubles to function in Russia before coming to America.

Oh c'mon...she's not actually telling you that she's saving up $$ for her life in America with you. She's questioning your finances.  Not necessarily a red flag, but depending on how you respond, it could well be for her.

Muck

Could very well be a test of some sort. Maybe she's hoping Ken steps up and buys her those $100 sunglasses she's currently passing over?

  Sometimes men without any options will stay with 'option A' even though they see red flags or something slightly alarming...but if that same man has a 'plan B' to fall back on, he might me more apt to move on if it is appropriate to do so...or prob deeper into a concern which is a good idea to do anyway! 


Fathertime!

Ken will be putting more pressure on himself to make end in marriage. Having a backup plan will give Ken comfort that he's able to move on without skipping a beat if he sees red flags.

All good responses though it seems like its split 50/50 on "backup" plans.  I am not making any and don't plan to.  I have dated enough to know what to look for, FSUW or not.

Lots of guys thought they wrote a winner only to be disappointed when they met. Women have walked out on men during the first date. Women have taken men on shopping sprees for home appliances and $400 shoes. Men have been beaten and robbed by the lady's male friends. We've read that and more here. Just think about what happened to all those men who were embarrassed to the point they never wrote their stories here? Ken, you've done lots of communication with the lady and I say you got the edge over other men who were wrong about the characters of their lady(s)  but it doesn't hurt to write on a small piece of paper "Mamba.ru" and take it with you. With this site you can get dates within hours. Take a look at the site and get familiar on how to use it. Hit the "English" button if you don't read Russian. Don't feel guilty looking at the site. You're not cheating on her. You're not in a relationship yet.

[Bruce lee]

Maybe she's hoping Ken steps up and buys her those $100 sunglasses she's currently passing over?

I think it would be a fair comment to suggest that was possible – a good way of implying without actually asking!

I dare say the trip will answer all the other questions!

[LiveFromUkraine]

I'd say that is unusual, even strange for her to be exchanging rubles for dollars so early in anticipating on moving to America. Maybe a move for investing but not for moving. You visit her in April and by the time you're done with the k-1, it could be a year from now she steps on American soil.

I don't think it is strange at all. If she wants to save up money for America, is it better to keep it in rubles or dollars?  Pretty easy to understand why with the Ruble falling.  Who knows what will happen in a year but she is probably better off holding onto US currency now.


In Ukraine, people liked to keep US currency as well.  Our landlord wanted to be paid in US dollars but that wasn't going to happen.

She needs to keep some of her rubles to function in Russia before coming to America.

  Where did she say she was cashing out all of her money?

Ken will be putting more pressure on himself to make end in marriage. Having a backup plan will give Ken comfort that he's able to move on without skipping a beat if he sees red flags

A back up plan won't alleviate any self appointed pressure.  Ken needs to just enjoy this as a vacation/experience and not worry about whether he successfully found a new wife or not.  Only that will alleviate pressure.  If things go south he can get on the same dating site he was on and set up some dates or he can just see some sites, eat some good food, and see a part of the world many here haven't. 

Now that is a Fathertime win win.  haha

[LiveFromUkraine]

Ken, I wouldn't let anyone here fearmonger you into setting up some dates as a back up plan.  You might have built up some ideas of what your relationship will be like.  I suggest trying to tame those ideas until you are face to face with her. 


If it doesn't work out, just make sure you get out and enjoy everything the city has to offer.  Some guys get all depressed at the lost of a fantasy and hole up in their hotels.  Nah, you're better than that and if needed you could go back to that dating site and set up some dates probably rather quickly.


It sounds like you have feelings wrapped up into this woman.  No reason to set up dates with other women until you suss out this relationship first.  You can't lose when experiencing new things. The experiences itself makes your trip a success no matter what happens with this woman.


 Too many guys feel the need to make something happen which is why some are talking about backup dates before you even get there.  That line of thinking can lead to bad decision making.     Remember, you're looking for the right woman for you, not just a woman to marry.


Have fun, man!

[fathertime]

A back up plan won't alleviate any self appointed pressure.  Ken needs to just enjoy this as a vacation/experience and not worry about whether he successfully found a new wife or not.  Only that will alleviate pressure.  If things go south he can get on the same dating site he was on and set up some dates or he can just see some sites, eat some good food, and see a part of the world many here haven't. 

Now that is a Fathertime win win.  haha

hehe...yeah win/win! 
Well LFU, as a backup plan having the website handy or a contact in place is what I'm referring to....if it were me, I wouldn't be already contacting backups...but having an easy way to reach out, and find some dates seems reasonable enough to me.


Fathertime!   

[KenInUtah]

Thanks guys.  No backup necessary.  Like I said originally, I knew I'd get venomous spew.  She's not "testing" me, she is being responsible.  She is not a gold-digger.  We have talked about jobs and money at length

[LiveFromUkraine]

hehe...yeah win/win! 
Well LFU, as a backup plan having the website handy or a contact in place is what I'm referring to....if it were me, I wouldn't be already contacting backups...but having an easy way to reach out, and find some dates seems reasonable enough to me.


Fathertime!   

Yeah, that sounds reasonable.  There is a great divide between the "Write One Visit One" and "Write Many Visit Many" crowd.  When backup plans are talked about, they typically refer to the "Write Many Visit Many" mentality.  I, personally, don't have a preference to what someone does.  I just don't think one needs to do one over the other especially when a guy like Ken has already developed somewhat of a relationship with a woman over Skype calls and so forth.


The biggest thing is to not be in any hurry or to feel like you have to meet that "One" for the trip to be considered a success. 

[KenInUtah]

Thanks LFU.  I think all will go well but who doesn't?  I just spoke with her now and while she is sick with a cold, still happy.  She said she loves me not because of my smile or my job but because I am kind, genuine and gentlemanly.  That sounds like a relationship, not an infatuation to me.  If all goes well in April, I'm one of the lucky ones, if not I'll have gotten to see Moscow.  I'm betting on the first option

[LiveFromUkraine]

Thanks LFU.  I think all will go well but who doesn't?  I just spoke with her now and while she is sick with a cold, still happy.  She said she loves me not because of my smile or my job but because I am kind, genuine and gentlemanly.  That sounds like a relationship, not an infatuation to me.  If all goes well in April, I'm one of the lucky ones, if not I'll have gotten to see Moscow.  I'm betting on the first option

Hi Ken,  I didn't mean to make it sound like an infatuation.  If I did, I apologize.  I was mainly pointing out that we can build up fantasies in our heads and sometimes the reality isn't close to what we had imagined.  Things like compatibility issues, or how one partner reacts to certain things, etc...


I'm not saying that is what you did.  Spending physical time together will give you a clearer picture in any case. 

If all goes well in April, I'm one of the lucky ones, if not I'll have gotten to see Moscow

That is what I like to hear! You will have blast.

[cc3]

Thanks guys.  No backup necessary.  Like I said originally, I knew I'd get venomous spew.  She's not "testing" me, she is being responsible.  She is not a gold-digger.  We have talked about jobs and money at length

Ken, I write as a happily engaged man, living with my fiancee in Lviv. Three years ago, when I embarked upon this stage of my FSU experience, that of first meeting my fiancee, I had hopes, but not ridiculously high hopes, that we would 'click'. Previous stages of my FSU adventures had not worked out very well, but after a couple of years hiatus from criss-crossing the Atlantic and attempting to accommodate the absurd requirements of AW's in relationships, I decided to resume my quest east of the old 'Iron Curtain'. I thought, if anything, that it would be a valuable learning experience, if not a romantic one. Well, what I learned was that I had found the best woman whom I had ever known in my life, a woman of such quality and spirit, not to mention passion, that my discovery of her was better than anything I had ever imagined or hoped for.

So...you will learn much here, and possibly eventually meet the love of your life. But first, go for the learning. It has taken me nine years from my first trip to EE (Bulgaria) to now be contentedly settled down with my LOML.

[Faux Pas]

Thanks guys.  No backup necessary.  Like I said originally, I knew I'd get venomous spew.  She's not "testing" me, she is being responsible.  She is not a gold-digger.  We have talked about jobs and money at length

So, it's venomous spew when some folks happen to disagree with you? One thing to keep in mind Ken, there is about a 50/50 chance of your meeting East, going either North or South. Most of the guys here know that, particularly the experienced ones. From my bad memory that is just about everyone that made a post in this thread.

You've had some long dreamy conversations into the night you both found titillating and quite possibly even erotic and arousing. You've had other long conversations of more serious matters. The difference in you and most of the guys here is, you've sat around for another 6 months while most had the motivation to make a trip after 3 months.

For that reason alone, no doubt you are not of the average guy on these boards. Nor is your lady the average lady that gets visited. Most would have quit answering your emails and phone calls 5-6 months ago.

That said, nobody here knows what your eventual end will be. Nobody here has any skin in your game either. I seriously doubt anyone here will chant "I told you so", if or when you come back and give us the details. I can also say with a large degree of confidence everyone wishes you the best of success but, please spare us the facade of confidence because one thing we all know is that you haven't met this lady yet and if you have another 9 months of phone calls/ twice a week skype and 5 emails a day, you still don't know her. That much we do know.

[BillyB]

I don't think it is strange at all. If she wants to save up money for America, is it better to keep it in rubles or dollars?  Pretty easy to understand why with the Ruble falling.

It's strange she's adjusting her life in anticipation of living with a man she's never met. It's not strange if she is exchanging rubles for dollars to make an investment. That makes sense but that is not what she told Ken but I'm not ready to call her a liar. Like Muck said, it could be a test.


Why couldn't Ken's lady both buy the sunglasses and exchange currency? Is she that poor she can only do one or the other? If she's poor, she shouldn't be thinking about buying $100 sunglasses. Up to Ken to figure it out.

  Where did she say she was cashing out all of her money?

Where did anybody say she was cashing out all her money?

  She's not "testing" me, she is being responsible.  She is not a gold-digger.  We have talked about jobs and money at length

Getting tested isn't necessarily a bad thing and doesn't mean she's a gold digger. Expect it. It's crazy for women to fully trust a man she hasn't met. Women have the right to know what they're getting into if they decide to leave the only life they've known behind. Trust has to be built over time.

We have talked about jobs and money at length

You've done much more communication prior to meeting your lady than most guys. Insincere women wouldn't waste so much time with you. Chances are your lady is a good person but there is a chance you won't have chemistry when you meet face to face. It's happened before, it'll happen again.

If all goes well in April, I'm one of the lucky ones, if not I'll have gotten to see Moscow.

It's easy to say your backup plan is sight seeing. Hard to do when you're depressed when you learn the woman you thought will be your future wife denies you. Many a men sat in their hotel rooms depressed after getting rejected. The best way to forget about a woman is be with another woman. You're not cheating on her if you write the name of a dating site on a piece of paper in case things don't work out. Her life won't end being depressed at home if things don't work out.


Visit the lady as a friend, not your future wife. Build a real life friendship first. Men going out on first dates thinking the woman will be their future wife is not normal and increase chances of failure.

[LiveFromUkraine]

It's strange she's adjusting her life in anticipation of living with a man she's never met. It's not strange if she is exchanging rubles for dollars to make an investment. That makes sense but that is not what she told Ken but I'm not ready to call her a liar. Like Muck said, it could be a test.

From the sounds of it, both of them are making plans right now.  Hardly a red flag on her part.

Why couldn't Ken's lady both buy the sunglasses and exchange currency? Is she that poor she can only do one or the other? If she's poor, she shouldn't be thinking about buying $100 sunglasses. Up to Ken to figure it out.

Let me get this straight, not being able to purchase whatever you want is a sign of being poor?  Strange logic there. 

Where did anybody say she was cashing out all her money?

Ah, so you mentioning she needs to keep some money in rubles for every day expenses was a Captain Obvious moment.

[BillyB]

It has taken me nine years from my first trip to EE (Bulgaria) to now be contentedly settled down with my LOML.

Most of us didn't marry the first woman we dated in America and most of us didn't marry the first women we dated in the FSU. I'm included. We all had high hopes the first woman we visited in the FSU was the one but reality says the first one is not the one and we must date a few before we find the one.

Ah, so you mentioning she needs to keep some money in rubles for every day expenses was a Captain Obvious moment.

Now you agree I didn't say "all"? LFU, how long you lived in Ukraine? When you finally find someone who agrees to spend the rest of her life with you, let us know when you are successful but please stop giving Ken the impression he doesn't need a backup plan. Are you still in mourning over the last girl you dated that didn't work out? I hope not. People need to move on. Ken is looking for a good woman in his life. He might miss an opportunity if things don't work out with this lady and he chooses to focus on sight seeing or sitting alone in his hotel room.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Now you agree I didn't say "all"? LFU, how long you lived in Ukraine? When you finally find someone who agrees to spend the rest of her life with you, let us know when you are successful but please stop giving Ken the impression he doesn't need a backup plan.

Ah, Captain Obvious is angry.  What's next, telling her she should make sure she pays her bills before buying sunglasses. haha 

Billy, you should let your wife get through freshman year of college before you decide you have someone who will spend the rest of her life with you.  Too funny man!

Are you still in mourning over the last girl you dated that didn't work out? I hope not. People need to move on.

Billy, you seem to have a hard time following a line of thought.  Now you are interested in my love life?  Why, has your love life gone sour?

Ken is looking for a good woman in his life. He might miss an opportunity if things don't work out with this lady and he chooses to focus on sight seeing or sitting alone in his hotel room.

Sounds more like your own projections here.  I have been to many places on my own and never felt the need to sit in my hotel alone.  I didn't need to line up dates ahead of time, but I can see why you do.   

[KenInUtah]

Just to clarify, venomous spew is not disagreeing, its saying something that is insulting, has no educational merit and has an air of "my way is the only way".

Somebody here said "one vs. many" is about 50/50 here.  I agree, I fall into the "one" category.  I have never dated more than one woman at a time before and don't plan on it now.  I find that disrespectful.  I understand the "many" reasoning, that's just not me.

Also, I would love to know where anyone got the idea I have been talking to her for 6-9 months?  Lets see, we started in early December so that makes two by my math.  Then as for the trip...Hmmm, sent my passport for renewal the day after Christmas as it was to expire in May, got that back and got my invitation, got that and the RU consulate is processing my Visa as we speak.  So yea, I guess I am slow...hey, its been TWO months...guess I should have been on a plane already.  You know, I have all the control on how fast I get a Visa, right?

As for everything else, let's see...We've already started making plans such as:
- We have picked a place for our wedding
- She has chosen her dress
- We know where we will honeymoon
- We have been looking at houses
- She knows what king of car she wants and we have already talked to a driving school
- She knows where she wants to volunteer/work and I have already talked to them and they are excited as well
- She wants a White Mazda-6 with an automatic transmission
- She is bringing her cat and we have discussed what type of puppy to get
- She is VERY familiar with my work
- We have discussed insurance/savings/retirement issues
- We practice interview questions together and try to stump each other

But no, it's not like we have gotten to know each other or anything.  We both know this is quite difficult but we are working as a team to get it all done.  When we spoke this morning (my time) she was studying English for Business - she is quite fluent.  So yea, this isn't footloose and fancy-free on either our parts.

I don't expect everyone to approve of my actions, I didn't ask for approval...but that is the point, they are MY actions.  Like I said in my original posting I am here to learn more about Russian culture and what to expect/plan for when she arrives in the US.  I have read many great stories on things to expect both when I go to Moscow and when she comes here.  For that, Thank You all!

[BillyB]

As for everything else, let's see...We've already started making plans such as:
- We have picked a place for our wedding
- She has chosen her dress
- We know where we will honeymoon
- We have been looking at houses
- She knows what king of car she wants and we have already talked to a driving school
- She knows where she wants to volunteer/work and I have already talked to them and they are excited as well
- She wants a White Mazda-6 with an automatic transmission
- She is bringing her cat and we have discussed what type of puppy to get
- She is VERY familiar with my work
- We have discussed insurance/savings/retirement issues
- We practice interview questions together and try to stump each other

That's a lot of serious talking with someone you've known online for just two months. Did you propose online? Most people here would recommend that kind of talk only after you've dated multiple times and some would not recommend it on a first visit.

  I have read many great stories on things to expect both when I go to Moscow and when she comes here.  For that, Thank You all!

You're welcome. All we can do is give you the odds and pass along the experiences of others. What you do with it is your choice. I think most people here want to see you have a successful visit with a happy ending(no pun intended). We like happy endings more than train wrecks. Regardless on how your trip ends, please come back in April to let us know if she's everything you thought she'd be.

[AC]

As for everything else, let's see...We've already started making plans such as:
- We have picked a place for our wedding
- She has chosen her dress
- We know where we will honeymoon
- We have been looking at houses
- She knows what king of car she wants and we have already talked to a driving school
- She knows where she wants to volunteer/work and I have already talked to them and they are excited as well
- She wants a White Mazda-6 with an automatic transmission
- She is bringing her cat and we have discussed what type of puppy to get
- She is VERY familiar with my work
- We have discussed insurance/savings/retirement issues
- We practice interview questions together and try to stump each other

This kind of detailed planning is creepy to me with somebody whom you've never met and I think you are putting the cart before the horse.  That said it's your deal and obviously a back-up plan is not for you.

I also wish you good luck even though I hope you can come back down to earth if things don't happen to pan out.  If they do I still think you are going way too fast but again that is just an opinion. 

I would suggest reading some more, especially about guys who say that what you are doing is the easy part, and the more difficult part is after she actually arrives, but I don't think you care or would pay any attention.

[Turboguy]

I would suggest reading some more, especially about guys who say that what you are doing is the easy part, and the more difficult part is after she actually arrives, but I don't think you care or would pay any attention.

I do agree that sometimes that is the case but I don't think it is universal.  I will say there is a lot of things that have to be done but in my case after she arrived was very easy and quiet enjoyable. 

Finding a woman who was willing to put up with me was probably the difficult part