What does your wife say when asked...

[mendeleyev]

We've had a number of good threads dealing with what happens you husbands are asked why they married a "foreign" wife. So, what does your lady say when asked why she chose a Western man?

She will be asked. When courting, neighbors and friends who are privy to her interest in you will want to know why. They'll be asked the same "why not find a man here" kind of questions. Given the heightened anti-American feelings in many parts of the FSU, her dating choice may bring on scorn or derision.

I've been in settings where my wife was asked the question by Russians. To be fair, I've also heard her being told by Russians, "I can see why you married him." A vast majority of those were genuine compliments, but at other times I could sense that such a comment may have been a scolding directed at both of us.

Next time you are in a mixed group of Western husbands/FSU wives, were you to understand Russian, you might be surprised at some of the questions. The question comes up often when there is an obvious mismatch, such as a 25 year old wife and her 50 year old husband. In her cultural understanding, there is a clear understanding of why such relationships exist, and it may be introduced in conversation as humour. Few 50 year old men with 25 year old wives know more than a handful of Russian words, most just in their dictionary form, and so the man is unaware that he could be the object of the questions.

Exceptional economic mismatches also engender questions in mixed settings. Clear mismatches in educational levels also invite questions when the setting involves multiple Russian speakers.

Neither are we to be surprised when Westerners ask her similar questions. When your lady is asked "why did you choose a Western man?" the question can be innocent, as there or some people who are naturally curious and like to learn more about the world. Others, however, may have an agenda. Such questions with an agenda often are initiated by someone close to you, such as a relative, close friend, or coworker.

If you spoke more Russian, do you feel that mixed conversations would comfortably welcome your presence in such a setting, or would it perhaps change the complexion of the conversation?

To your knowledge, has your lady been asked?

[Steamer]

My wife was never asked this question in Russia because she never wanted anyone to know that she was looking toward the west until it was done. She was afraid that if it was known then someone would try to screw it up for her.


I was the first to ask her why followed by my family and friends and her answer was always the same: She wanted her son to have economic opportunities that seemed impossible in Moscow in the '90s. She also wanted this for herself.

[KenInUtah]

My lady has the same answer.  She will not tell anyone in Russia until I am there so that they don't try to sabotage the relationship

[Muzh]

My wife told her circle of friends before she told her parents. Her friends were anxious to meet the Amerikanets.


A week before I showed up, her parents were at her house laying on the bed when she approached them. She said she had good news and bad news. So her mother asked her what were the good news. She told them she had a boyfriend and that he wanted to marry her. So the father asked her what were the bad news. She said he was from Amerika.


She said her parents just looked straight to the ceiling without saying a word.


When I finally got to Kharkiv there was a party every day so everyone would meet me, including the neighbors. Her female co-workers couldn't stop giggling with my magnetic personality and all that jazz.    Also, since I could dance salsa the women were thoroughly impressed.


The guys wanted to get the Amerikanets drunk. Heh, good luck. Since all the guys got shit-faced, including me, at the same time, I was a good man. One even said that he was convinced I was a Russian. I laughed and told him he should go to PR and see real men drink. Of course, all in fun.


By the time I was leaving everyone came to say goodbye. Hugs and man kisses (on the cheeks, yuck!) everywhere. I became very good friends with a Mafyia thug, Sergey. The reason? Because I liked my red meat rare. He was the only one who would eat the red meat bleeding. That was the sign of a tough man my wife told me. Whatever.


I knew I was on easy street when the "elders" (aunts, uncles, and cousins) were happy to have met me.

[calmissile]

It's hard to say from direct knowledge, however the indirect clues are favorable.  I do not understand spoken Russian so don't monitor her phone calls and Skype chats with her FSU girlfriends here in the US and her girlfriends and relatives in Ukraine.

My wife's mother in Keiv has told me I am the 'best husband'......compared to what?   

During the courting phase when we had serious conversations about compatibility, etc. she indicated that she only wanted one more husband and she did not want her daughter to have multiple fathers.  She was also pretty adamant about whether I would be active (day to day) in her daughters life.  After going through many albums of photos of when I raised my daughter as a single parent, she apparently was convinced.

There were no financial motives on her part as she was a successful businesswomen in Ukraine and did not fear working to contribute to the family income.

Many of her girlfriends in UA are now interested in  finding a US husband.  So indirectly, I guess her reasons for marrying me must have been to find a 'good husband', and a good father for her daughter.

I would do it all over again.  The biggest lessons were...

1.  Not be in a hurry, and meet as many candidates as possible (without any expectations) and see what matchups 'click'.
2.  Spend as much time as possible in a family environment with her, rather than 'dates'.  As depicted in my trip reports, our trip together to Crimea (including daughter) is when we both fell in love and decided we wanted to pursue a permanent relationship.
3.  A UA women will either be aloof or decide you are her 'man'.  If she is aloof, it might be a lot of wasted time to find out if you are compatible and if she is truly interested.   Once SHE has decided, you will have a hard time shaking her off your tail.   

[BillyB]

My wife wasn't looking overseas for anybody. She signed up on mamba.ru, a site for dating and finding friends, so she can improve her English. She lived in Libya since her mom worked there as a doctor. She had a stack of phone numbers a few inches thick from European men who visited the beaches but she never called them. A couple of doctors that worked with her mom wanted to marry her, one was a millionaire. After a few months communicating by internet, she asked me to visit her in Ukraine since she will vacation there. I told her I need to speak to her on the phone often before making that decision. After determining she was really interested in me, I visited her.

He was the only one who would eat the red meat bleeding. That was the sign of a tough man my wife told me.

Should've told him "When tough men stick their forks in steak, it goes "Moo!"

[Anathema]

Nice and interesting stories, gentlemen.  Thanks for sharing. 

[ML]

Ochka was not interested in marrying a western man, or marrying any man.

She was very honest in just wanting to come to USA to obtain a masters degree. 

But the more and more we lived together, the more we both realized we had a genuine and very high level chemistry and compatibility; and that we truly loved each other.

[Chicagoguy]

My wife was never married before although she did have a daughter. Her bottom line was she did not like Russian men. She especially does not like alcoholics.
She and I were both older and she ended up on line as a lark when one of her daughters friends suggested it. It truth she wasn't unhappy and had never thought about leaving Russia.

As chance would have it she saw my profile and took a chance. And here we are 7 years later. As far as I know nobody told her no. But as with most of us I suspect her 3 sisters and father and friends had reservations.

In the end it was fate [ Sudba ].

[vwrw]

In my case, it was  known that I was looking for my future husband abroad. My friends, family and colleagues were all aware about that. I do not remember being asked "why I want to marry a foreign man" or something similar. People would ask if I watched the documentaries on TV, reporting about troubles women got into after choosing to marry foreigners. They would ask how the whole process is working and about updates on my communication with men.


After I immigrated to the US, people would ask if AM are better than RM and what it is like to live in the US and if I am happy there.   


Perhaps I was not  asked the question because ever since my first visit to the US, I was so captivated by Western people  that I would answer the question without being asked to provide the info.

[Gator]

My wife and I have never really discussed this question.  So I asked her yesterday, and she answered, "Because you are a bad man." 

My wife would have preferred to stay in Russia.  She had been married twice to RM.  Earlier in her modeling career,  she turned down a marriage proposal from a Hungarian man, not wanting to leave Russia.  As some here at RWD know, she declined my marriage proposal in 2007. 

When we got back together five years ago,  she talked about her declining to marry a prominent Russian man who had proposed at a very public gathering.  She discussed with her friends whether she should marry him.  She came to the realization that something was missing with him, and I seemed to possess it.  If only I can ever learn what precisely was missing.   


Regarding America, she had mixed feelings.  She did like the opportunities in America for her two children, yet feared the adjustment America would require of her.  She was clairvoyant; her 26-yo daughter (now married) and her 15-yo son are very happy with America while she is still apprehensive about her life here.   

She has been here nearly four years now, and she did say I was not a Russian man but far more Russian than all the husbands and ex-husbands of her RW friends here.  I tell her she is a good trainer. 

[vwrw]

The question comes up often when there is an obvious mismatch, such as a 25 year old wife and her 50 year old husband. In her cultural understanding, there is a clear understanding of why such relationships exist, and it may be introduced in conversation as humour.

The same as experts have  tendency to be more confident than right, people have tendency to be wrong in their understanding about why relationships of other people exist. If people are happy themselves and they see that you are happy, they tend to spend their time celebrating their own choices and yours. When we get together with Russian speaking girls, we have happy time of sharing experience. Sometimes, we have disagreements about somethings, but we try to understand each other, not to ridicule each other choices.
For example, one of ladies decided to grow her own chickens, her choice is strange for me, but I would never ridicule her for that choice because I focus on the fact that she has found a hobby that brings her joy and that is all that matters.  My friends do-the same about my choices that seem strange to them, they focus on the fact that  it make me happy.


There was just one incident of 'humorous" remark about the age difference between my husband and I and it was my fault. One lady was complaining about her husband. I should have shown compassion for her situation, but I did not. Instead, I shared with her that in my family the situation is different. In response to me, she said "it is nice to have a older husband" but her tone of voice was sarcastic. I answered to her that being a loving and caring person is a manifestation of personality, not age and I changed the topic.


I would say that the content of our conversations with girls would not change at all if our husbands were present and spoke Russian.




 

[vwrw]

She came to the realization that something was missing with him, and I seemed to possess it.  If only I can ever learn what precisely was missing.   

Gator, I am sure you  have heard the expression that  "the whole is greater than the sum of the parts" Your wife may not understand herself what was missing, it was just intuitive feeling based on little things. if you pinpoint each individual thing they seem silly, but when they come together those little things, they generate intuition that something is not working.

[vwrw]

   She has been here nearly four years now, and she did say I was not a Russian man but far more Russian than all the husbands and ex-husbands of her RW friends here.  I tell her she is a good trainer. 

I guess she meant that you understand aspects of Russian culture better than American husbands of other RW here. Which is not surprising if we take in consideration the time you have spent on all this forums, educating yourself about Russian culture.


Lately, I was not reading this forum much and I do not know if you volunteered any info about your ex Russian wife. I am curious if you know how she is doing. If that should be none of my concerns, just ignore this inquiry, I will understand  [size=78%]   [/size]

[vwrw]

Ochka was not interested in marrying a western man, or marrying any man.

She was very honest in just wanting to come to USA to obtain a masters degree. 

But the more and more we lived together, the more we both realized we had a genuine and very high level chemistry and compatibility; and that we truly loved each other.

And we all had a chance to witness that transformation in you when reading your reports.    I am happy you have found your love.

[ML]

And we all had a chance to witness that transformation in you when reading your reports.    I am happy you have found your love.

Nice of you to say.  Thanks.
I wish the best for you and Turbo.

[Gator]

Gator, I am sure you  have heard the expression that  "the whole is greater than the sum of the parts" Your wife may not understand herself what was missing, it was just intuitive feeling based on little things. if you pinpoint each individual thing they seem silly, but when they come together those little things, they generate intuition that something is not working.

Good observation.  She is indeed an intuitive thinker, and as such tends not to analyze in detail the individual parts but go with an overall impression. 

[Gator]

I guess she meant that you understand aspects of Russian culture better than American husbands of other RW here. Which is not surprising if we take in consideration the time you have spent on all this forums, educating yourself about Russian culture.

No, I have been trained with treats and the whip to behave like a RM.  Wifey worked in a circus as a teenager for two years and learned from the animal trainers.    Just kidding.  Incidentally, I was surprised to learn her salary in those Soviet days was 3x what engineers earned.   The Soviets placed emphasis on the arts and sports. 

Lately, I was not reading this forum much...

We have missed you.  I second ML's wish for you and Ray. 

....and I do not know if you volunteered any info about your ex Russian wife. I am curious if you know how she is doing. If that should be none of my concerns, just ignore this inquiry, I will understand 

Haven't discussed the ex- at RWD or anywhere.  This is a closed book.  Wifey avoids any contact, and the subject is forbidden at home.  If wifey inadvertently mentions the ex-'s  name,  my automatic response is, "I do not know who you are talking about....oh, you mean that RW with bad hair."   

I still bump into the kids around town, and the young daughter (now a vegan) always shows up at Halloween.  I expect the former incumbent is doing well - someone saw her driving a new BMW.  She had some money and did not arrive in America as a desperate immigrant. 

Suffice it to say, I made a mistake.  I should have known that the Cossack woman would change her mind about marrying me.  And good that I did or otherwise I would have missed out on my Cossack woman's animal training. 

To catch up, how are you doing?  You were an honors student a few years ago.  I assume you have finished your education and are working as an accountant, looking to enroll in a MBA program, and meanwhile finding M&A candidates for Ray's business.  You have been married eight years IIRC. 

[The Natural]

What she says? Well, I just asked her and she said her Family never asked why, they were just happy for her. But her friends and collegues however, asked her why she did that. All of them asked why, she said.  With a foreigner from the west, that they've heard so many stories about mistreatment, child abuse and so on. That was in 2011/2012. Now her collegues from the tourists river trips on the Dnieper who recently looked her up on social media, tell her she's very Lucky to be out of there.

One other interesting thing she told me during Our conversation now, she was not sure I'd come back to her after my first visit. But, I told her, I'm such a Nice guy that I thought it must have been apparent that my intentions and promises was golden. But still, she said, she was not secure in that knowledge. I Guess it goes to show action speaks louder than Words and that Russian Girls are not easily persuaded....
Good thing it happened or we would not have Our wonderful, energetic, sometimes bad boy but always Our good boy, 2-year old Erik.

[vwrw]

Thank you Gator and ML for your good wishes and for the update.


Gator, people usually regret the things they don't do more than the things they do that turn out to be a mistake.  I am sure there were some good things about the failed marriage and it was probably better than sitting around waiting for your wife to change her mind.  Sometimes the things that don't work out make us appreciate the good things in our lives. 


I am not quite done with school.  I have been working in Ray's business and going to school part time.  I will finish in December and get my degree.  I have been in school almost completely from age 7 until my current age 35.  I am done, at least for a while. I am more excited about working than going to school now.  Time flies.  It seems like yesterday that we married but it has been nearly 8 years.

[BillyB]

Haven't discussed the ex- at RWD or anywhere.  This is a closed book.  Wifey avoids any contact, and the subject is forbidden at home.  If wifey inadvertently mentions the ex-'s  name,  my automatic response is, "I do not know who you are talking about....oh, you mean that RW with bad hair."   

It is wise for men to not talk about past women no matter how much their GF or wife prods them for information. I made that mistake once long ago and never again. I was asked about a past woman and volunteered information and because I spoke about a past woman, the current woman accused me of having other women on my mind.


My current wife knows I've been to the FSU many times because my passport told her so. I told her I had a fiancée from Uzbekistan but we didn't get married. She once found a photo of my ex laying down on a bookshelf and confronted me about it. I showed her all the dust and told her to guess when the last time I seen the photo. She accepted my answer that I don't think about past women and criticized my house cleaning skills. One day I came home from work and showed me an FSU website that translates to "Classmates" with my ex fiancée's page. My ex got married a couple of years ago and recently had her first child. My wife said she has a kind face and is very beautiful. I said my ex was a very kind person. She asked me if I wanted to say "hi" and was willing to even help me write to her. Wife wasn't jealous at all but I told her the ex is in the past and it's best to let her live her life with her new family and I with mine.

[AC]

Ochka was not interested in marrying a western man, or marrying any man.

She was very honest in just wanting to come to USA to obtain a masters degree. 

But the more and more we lived together, the more we both realized we had a genuine and very high level chemistry and compatibility; and that we truly loved each other.

It seems that you two fell in love by accident.  It's a very good story.  Usually you're telling jokes with a straight face, but this time you wrote something really from the heart.

[AC]

Gator, I am sure you  have heard the expression that  "the whole is greater than the sum of the parts" Your wife may not understand herself what was missing, it was just intuitive feeling based on little things. if you pinpoint each individual thing they seem silly, but when they come together those little things, they generate intuition that something is not working.

It's great to read the thoughtful posts of a real Russian woman, I hope you post more often again.

[SANDRO43]

Time flies.  It seems like yesterday that we married but it has been nearly 8 years.

And your written English has improved tremendously  - better than that of some of the natives here .

[Steamer]

My current wife knows I've been to the FSU many times because my passport told her so. I told her I had a fiancée from Uzbekistan but we didn't get married. She once found a photo of my ex laying down on a bookshelf and confronted me about it. I showed her all the dust and told her to guess when the last time I seen the photo. She accepted my answer that I don't think about past women and criticized my house cleaning skills. One day I came home from work and showed me an FSU website that translates to "Classmates" with my ex fiancée's page. My ex got married a couple of years ago and recently had her first child. My wife said she has a kind face and is very beautiful. I said my ex was a very kind person. She asked me if I wanted to say "hi" and was willing to even help me write to her. Wife wasn't jealous at all but I told her the ex is in the past and it's best to let her live her life with her new family and I with mine.

You gave the right answers. Sounds to me like you were an inch away from dying in your sleep!