Here I go again

[Boethius]

Exactly!  I don't understand people that try to make themselves into something they aren't so they can attract a mate, but then when they find said mate, they go back to their old ways.

It's not about making yourself into something you are not.  It is about looking at what you did which contributed to the demise of the relationship, and not repeating those patterns.  Marriage is about compromise, and I am 100% positive your Russian ex, and, presumably, your American ex, both have stories to tell about where you did not compromise, and how that contributed to their lack of feeling for you.


No matter what you post, something in your Russian ex was compelling enough that you chose to marry her. 

[2tallbill]

It scares the crap out of me to think that I am falling in love with another person in another country, but I guess there are worse things that could happen!  I guess the reason I am posting this is I don't want to screw this one up.  Any advice?  I guess you guys are the experts

I am writing my advice generically because I don't know enough of your
personal situation and because it seems like you are going to do whatever
you are going to do regardless of advice gleaned here.

My advice is as follows
1. Finish with current wife: get the divorce final and get her on a plane.
This advice should be written down by every newbie. The first wife doesn't want
to gut him in public and sell his testicles on the open market for pig feed. He is
very lucky in this regard HOWEVER This can change in a heartbeat. Right
now she just wants out, but bring another woman into the picture and she can
change into a woman scorned in less than ten seconds flat.

She can cause the divorce to take years not days or weeks. She can make the
divorce cost thousands, she can get the police involved, she can totally f#ck up
his world for the near and far future. So my advice is to not let any of this happen.

Get the quickie divorce, get the exwife on a plane and write a fat check to her and
get her out of the picture. 100% of women can turn into a cRaZy exwife if you
work hard enough at making them crazy.

2. Don't fall in love with a woman you have not met in person: I know it's
impossible to be Mr Spock a Vulcan without emotions analytically weighing the
situation at all times. You find what appears to be a great girl and your emotions
start getting involved. I know, it's happened to me. Do the best you can to be
cautiously optimistic until you meet in person.

You don't know if there is mutual chemistry until you meet face to face and in
the case of the EasternSun he screwed this part up before and married a girl
he barely knew who didn't love him. So if anyone shouldn't ignore this advice
then it's definitely him.

3. Have a back up plan: You don't know if you have mutual chemistry
or not. You don't know the girl well enough yet. It's happened to me, it can
happen to you. If you travel half way around the world and find out on day
two that you are barking up the wrong tree you need to pull the plug and get
on your backup plan.

What 99% of the men do when things don't work out is that they keep pursuing
the girl who isn't interested in them trying to read some sign that she isn't mean
to them as a sign that the possibility still exists. It doesn't exist, but most men
won't admit it until they get back home and the girl disappears OR they mope
around pining for the girl and don't do anything to improve their situation even
though they are in the FSU and surrounded by a million possibilities.
 
4. Take it slow: This especially applies to somebody who just got divorced.
Identify every mistake that you've made before and at the very least make sure
you aren't making the same mistakes as before. Screw up something else. 
Read her eyes, watch her face when she speaks, Don't project things/feelings that
aren't there or just because you want them to be there.

5. Reflect: After every Skype call, after every conversation. Is this girl
the one for you? is she raising any red flags? did she say something that contrasts
with what she said in the past? are you making excuses for her about anything?
 
6. At anytime be prepared to pull the plug: You have already been married
to Mrs Not the right girl and it sucked @ss. So the very minute that you
realize that any girl is not the right girl then the smartest and most considerate
thing you can do is to dump her immediately. That girl will not find her soulmate
until she is finished with you. You aren't doing her any favors by waiting.

I could continue but that is enough to get you to the next step. There are many
Lurkers reading this who aren't EasternSun. I am writing my advice to them as
much as I am EasternSun. 
 
Udachi!


Bill

[Faux Pas]

It's not about making yourself into something you are not.  It is about looking at what you did which contributed to the demise of the relationship, and not repeating those patterns.  Marriage is about compromise, and I am 100% positive your Russian ex, and, presumably, your American ex, both have stories to tell about where you did not compromise, and how that contributed to their lack of feeling for you.


No matter what you post, something in your Russian ex was compelling enough that you chose to marry her.

His Russian ex appears to have been a good woman with good intention. Hell, she came back to break it off and had to panhandle to go home. He had a good woman then. No doubt Margo might be as good as he believes but when she arrives and finds life is not all of the dancing fairies and sugar plums he's chatting her up all day and leading her to believe, she'll likely go bad, too.

[LAman]

I made a lot of errors when I met my wife.  I had advice to walk away, but I felt bad for her daughter, and I really liked the idea of being a stepdad.  Plus I thought things would improve, as most of the issues seemed to stem from her dislike of everything American, it seemed to me that eventually that would pass and she would stop being so miserable.  So I guess it boils down to me marrying someone that I thought was "fixable", and that's just plain dumb on my part.  Yeah I could have been super nice to her, constantly walking on eggshells to not create any waves, but that's hard to do when every time I would look at her it was like she would suck out all the joy in me and I really just felt like avoiding her most times.  I do feel bad, it would have been easier for both of us if I would have walked away at the beginning rather than wait for things to get so bad on her end that she felt the only thing she could do is go home.

How do you know they were errors? What if it was you being you and your ex-wife being her? Sounds more like not being compatible.

[LAman]

A bit of history: I was married for 1.5 years to a Russian woman, it went south as she was really homesick, and that combined with the fact that her and I were very different people who never could really get on the same page caused us to end the relationship and her to return home.  I always knew that I would try the FSU thing again, but didn't really consider jumping right back on that horse after falling off, but that's what happened.  I had reactivated my profile on the dating site where I met my ex about a month ago when she had bought her tickets to return home.  I was mostly just looking for a distraction, hot Russian women are a really good distraction:)  But things have changed apparently, there really aren't that many women looking to come here, and use a man for that purpose.  I wrote to a few just to have a pen pal with someone I knew I'd never meet, but there was this one named Margo who the more I talked to, the more I realized that she was everything that was missing from past relationships.  So now we talk all day long, from the time I wake up, till the time she goes to sleep.  She is much more than a distraction:)  I have an overwhelming desire to meet her, so I asked her if she would entertain the possibility of moving to another country (her profile said she was undecided if she wanted to move), and she said for me she would.  She said that I am everything she was looking for in a man, and to make a long story short I drove to DC today to apply for a 3 year visa.  Am I crazy for doing this??  It scares the crap out of me to think that I am falling in love with another person in another country, but I guess there are worse things that could happen!  I guess the reason I am posting this is I don't want to screw this one up.  Any advice?  I guess you guys are the experts

Love???? Maybe you do0n't even know what that is??? I have the belief it is more infatuation and trying to find some pleasure in your life. Why is it the first women that pops into radar after an end of a relationship is the best thing since sliced bread??   We call it 'catching one on the rebound'!!!!

[ML]

I made a lot of errors when I met my wife.  I had advice to walk away, but I felt bad for her daughter, and I really liked the idea of being a stepdad.  Plus I thought things would improve, as most of the issues seemed to stem from her dislike of everything American, it seemed to me that eventually that would pass and she would stop being so miserable.  So I guess it boils down to me marrying someone that I thought was "fixable", and that's just plain dumb on my part.  Yeah I could have been super nice to her, constantly walking on eggshells to not create any waves, but that's hard to do when every time I would look at her it was like she would suck out all the joy in me and I really just felt like avoiding her most times.  I do feel bad, it would have been easier for both of us if I would have walked away at the beginning rather than wait for things to get so bad on her end that she felt the only thing she could do is go home.

Wow, just reading about this makes my stomach churn.

Don't really understand how a guy or gal would let themselves even get started with this type of situation.

[ML]

Big Bill posted a winner again.

[Noch1]

As Johnny Cash would say.

I see the train a comin 

[fathertime]

   Margo talks to me all day. 

When I was in the same phase as you are currently in, after a couple weeks I was trying to minimize time 'chatting'  I began to get bored of it because there wasn't much to really say...I mean we hadn't even met each other....


Even after we met, I still didn't want to spend TOO much time talking through the internet.  It seems you are different in that respect.  I just found it too boring/unproductive after a while..    I did hop on a plane within a month of initial contact to investigate in person....


Fathertime!   

[EasternSun]

I am writing my advice generically because I don't know enough of your
personal situation and because it seems like you are going to do whatever
you are going to do regardless of advice gleaned here.

My advice is as follows
1. Finish with current wife: get the divorce final and get her on a plane.
This advice should be written down by every newbie. The first wife doesn't want
to gut him in public and sell his testicles on the open market for pig feed. He is
very lucky in this regard HOWEVER This can change in a heartbeat. Right
now she just wants out, but bring another woman into the picture and she can
change into a woman scorned in less than ten seconds flat.

She can cause the divorce to take years not days or weeks. She can make the
divorce cost thousands, she can get the police involved, she can totally f#ck up
his world for the near and far future. So my advice is to not let any of this happen.

Get the quickie divorce, get the exwife on a plane and write a fat check to her and
get her out of the picture. 100% of women can turn into a cRaZy exwife if you
work hard enough at making them crazy.

2. Don't fall in love with a woman you have not met in person: I know it's
impossible to be Mr Spock a Vulcan without emotions analytically weighing the
situation at all times. You find what appears to be a great girl and your emotions
start getting involved. I know, it's happened to me. Do the best you can to be
cautiously optimistic until you meet in person.

You don't know if there is mutual chemistry until you meet face to face and in
the case of the EasternSun he screwed this part up before and married a girl
he barely knew who didn't love him. So if anyone shouldn't ignore this advice
then it's definitely him.

3. Have a back up plan: You don't know if you have mutual chemistry
or not. You don't know the girl well enough yet. It's happened to me, it can
happen to you. If you travel half way around the world and find out on day
two that you are barking up the wrong tree you need to pull the plug and get
on your backup plan.

What 99% of the men do when things don't work out is that they keep pursuing
the girl who isn't interested in them trying to read some sign that she isn't mean
to them as a sign that the possibility still exists. It doesn't exist, but most men
won't admit it until they get back home and the girl disappears OR they mope
around pining for the girl and don't do anything to improve their situation even
though they are in the FSU and surrounded by a million possibilities.
 
4. Take it slow: This especially applies to somebody who just got divorced.
Identify every mistake that you've made before and at the very least make sure
you aren't making the same mistakes as before. Screw up something else. 
Read her eyes, watch her face when she speaks, Don't project things/feelings that
aren't there or just because you want them to be there.

5. Reflect: After every Skype call, after every conversation. Is this girl
the one for you? is she raising any red flags? did she say something that contrasts
with what she said in the past? are you making excuses for her about anything?
 
6. At anytime be prepared to pull the plug: You have already been married
to Mrs Not the right girl and it sucked @ss. So the very minute that you
realize that any girl is not the right girl then the smartest and most considerate
thing you can do is to dump her immediately. That girl will not find her soulmate
until she is finished with you. You aren't doing her any favors by waiting.

I could continue but that is enough to get you to the next step. There are many
Lurkers reading this who aren't EasternSun. I am writing my advice to them as
much as I am EasternSun. 
 
Udachi!


Bill

1. She's currently on a plane back to St. Pete.  Didn't even have to cut her a check for anything.  She didn't say goodbye in person, but she did leave a note thanking me for all I've done for her.
2. This is why I want to meet ASAP, even if it's not a long trip, I can take a longer vacation in December and spend more time there.
3. This is exactly the mistake I made with my wife, when I met her there didn't "seem" to be any chemistry, but she made the excuse that it is just the way Russian people are, to not show their emotions.  I should have pulled the plug but I believed it.
4. Great advice.
5. I do this, and I ask her difficult questions, such as if she is scared of anything and how she plans to deal with living in a different culture.  So far she hasn't said anything that has raised any suspicion at all.  She seems really well balanced, and is honest with answering my questions.  And she is interested in my answers to these questions as well.
6. I am definitely willing and capable of ending it if something causes me to change my mind about her.  I know that making excuses now for a person will lead to misery in the future.  I think I've learned that lesson the hard way.

[EasternSun]

His Russian ex appears to have been a good woman with good intention. Hell, she came back to break it off and had to panhandle to go home. He had a good woman then. No doubt Margo might be as good as he believes but when she arrives and finds life is not all of the dancing fairies and sugar plums he's chatting her up all day and leading her to believe, she'll likely go bad, too.

My wife was a good person.  She was honest to a fault.  I do feel bad about how it ended up, but I tried really hard to make it work, but it always felt like I was swimming upstream.  She is a very childish person, and does not know much about relationships.  She pretty much lived in her own little world, and would not acclimate to a new country.  It was really difficult to get close to her, emotionally and physically as she really didn't like physical contact.  So yeah, I won't argue with you about that, she was a good person, but even good people don't always make good wives.  And no, I'm not leading anyone to believe anything that's not true.  I have told Margo that it's downright difficult to move to another country, I was honest with her about all the crap my wife went through.  And she admits that she will be homesick, but that as long as she's happy she'll get over it.

[EasternSun]

How do you know they were errors? What if it was you being you and your ex-wife being her? Sounds more like not being compatible.

Exactly.  My error was in not realizing this fully.  I thought she would change, she didn't.  And it was wrong of me to expect that.

[EasternSun]

When I was in the same phase as you are currently in, after a couple weeks I was trying to minimize time 'chatting'  I began to get bored of it because there wasn't much to really say...I mean we hadn't even met each other....


Even after we met, I still didn't want to spend TOO much time talking through the internet.  It seems you are different in that respect.  I just found it too boring/unproductive after a while..    I did hop on a plane within a month of initial contact to investigate in person....


Fathertime!

I really didn't mean that it was a constant thing.  It's just that she keeps in touch with me, tells me how her day is, asks what I'm doing, etc...  She also sends pics, not just of her, but the traffic she's in, the rainy weather, her daughter getting a bath.  Yeah I can see how it would get boring if she was telling me about every breath she takes, but that's not the case, and so far I really enjoy chatting to her. 

[BillyB]

Via text, I'm not literally on the phone talking to her   It's nice to keep in contact throughout the day!

You two are on an emotional high right now. Things may go south in a few days, weeks or when you first meet. You both are investing a lot of time for someone you never met and it is poor management of time.


I've never text with the ladies I dated at home or communicated with overseas. I tell all ladies I use a phone to talk and don't like texting. At airports and other public places I see 50% of the people engaged with their phones. There's more to life than staring at a phone. I do send an occasional text to my wife since I got a smart phone that types for me. Push one button to talk and send but we don't text more than a couple times back and forth. We get to the point and that's is it.


Another reason men should not engage a woman all day every day talking or texting is because they may give the impression they are desperate or got nothing better to do. Women like men who have purpose and talking all day is not being productive. Easternsun, previously you wanted your ex to explain to your son why she's leaving. I recommended against it but talking all day to this new woman basically makes you an absent father. Your son and your new lady will soon realize this. More bad news will come your way. Most of the time I end the conversations first with the ladies I talk to. Start ending the texts with your lady often and take a break for a few hours in between texts to take care of other business in your life.

I really didn't mean that it was a constant thing.

Sure sounded like it earlier, that's why the advice, free of course, is coming your way.

so far I really enjoy chatting to her. 

Still cut the chats short occasionally and save some enjoyment for later.

[EasternSun]

You two are on an emotional high right now. Things may go south in a few days, weeks or when you first meet. You both are investing a lot of time for someone you never met and it is poor management of time.


I've never text with the ladies I dated at home or communicated with overseas. I tell all ladies I use a phone to talk and don't like texting. At airports and other public places I see 50% of the people engaged with their phones. There's more to life than staring at a phone. I do send an occasional text to my wife since I got a smart phone that types for me. Push one button to talk and send but we don't text more than a couple times back and forth. We get to the point and that's is it.


Another reason men should not engage a woman all day every day talking or texting is because they may give the impression they are desperate or got nothing better to do. Women like men who have purpose and talking all day is not being productive. Easternsun, previously you wanted your ex to explain to your son why she's leaving. I recommended against it but talking all day to this new woman basically makes you an absent father. Your son and your new lady will soon realize this. More bad news will come your way. Most of the time I end the conversations first with the ladies I talk to. Start ending the texts with your lady often and take a break for a few hours in between texts to take care of other business in your life.



Sure sounded like it earlier, that's why the advice, free of course, is coming your way.



Still cut the chats short occasionally and save some enjoyment for later.

Advice noted   And my son is currently with my Father visiting, he's been there for 3 weeks so it's not really creating any issues there.  Oh and by the way, you sound like my dad, he is always complaining about these "kids and their phones!".  But I think it's funny because his wife just got a smartphone, and she is actually texting me instead of calling, didn't take long to convert her!

[EasternSun]

And just to give you an example of why I think this woman is great, Sunday she asked me what my favorite cologne was.  I told her and I didn't hear from her for a couple hours.  Then she texted me a picture of the cologne saying she found it right before the perfume store was to close!  She said she wanted to know what it smelled like so she drove all over trying to find a store that sells it.  I don't know about you guys, but that's pretty cool to me!  I have never dated an American girl that would ever take that much interest in me. 

[BillyB]

  She said she wanted to know what it smelled like so she drove all over trying to find a store that sells it.  I don't know about you guys, but that's pretty cool to me!  I have never dated an American girl that would ever take that much interest in me.

She's is very interested in you. She may have this image of you in her head that you're the world's greatest man. Can you maintain that image, or will you eventually disappoint? I don't think your soon to be ex ever thought highly of you. This new woman is different so if she loses respect for you, it will definitely be your fault.

[Boethius]

I do this, and I ask her difficult questions, such as if she is scared of anything and how she plans to deal with living in a different culture.  So far she hasn't said anything that has raised any suspicion at all.  She seems really well balanced, and is honest with answering my questions.  And she is interested in my answers to these questions as well.

No offence intended, but it's a useless and stupid question.  No one can know how they will react.  Moreover, if someone is truly in love, he/she will follow you to the ends of the earth.  Your Ukrainian ex managed fine in a foreign culture, didn't she? 

Others here told you not to marry your current ex (yes, one of your posts this evening revealed to me who you are), you ignored that advice, so I anticipate you'll ignore any other advice you read here as well.  The big loser in all of this is your son.  You are not providing him a stable environment, or a shining example of relationships.

[southernX]

Others here told you not to marry your current ex (yes, one of your posts this evening revealed to me who you are), you ignored that advice, so I anticipate you'll ignore any other advice you read here as well.  The big loser in all of this is your son.  You are not providing him a stable environment, or a shining example of relationships.

agree with you bo
 trainwreck in the making mark 2 or 3 ?

SX

[jone]

This is not depreciating:

Boe has the memory of an elephant.  She never forgets a thing.

[Boethius]

Well, I do forget some things, as my better half (who has a far better memory than do I), reminds me.

I guess my post killed this thread.    However, for lurkers, I will add some additional comments.  It is not my intention to make this about "EasternSun", nor are my comments directed at him in particular.  I don't know him, or his situation beyond what he has posted.  So, some is supposition on my part, and some is observation over many years.

There is a tendency, more so in the West than in the FSU, to look for the "easy" relationship.  I believe, based on my reading of FSUW forums, that there are many men seeking relationships abroad because (a) they believe they "deserve" the right to "trade up", appearance wise, and obviously, they can do that, particularly in economically depressed areas of the FSU, and (b)  they are unwilling to do the work that it takes to build a real relationship with a WW that will lead to a successful marriage.  The latter will inevitably come back to bite them.  There is not much consideration of the woman, what she wants in life, her feelings, her insecurities and fears.  In many cases, there does not appear to be a common goal.  And then, rather than stepping back and looking at things objectively, there is a get back on the horse approach, without much self analysis.

To truly know yourself is not an easy thing, and the journey, at least in my experience, is painful.  But until you do so, I don't believe you can achieve true intimacy with another person, and finding solace in another person will not lead to happiness.

[2tallbill]

This is why I want to meet ASAP, even if it's not a long trip, I can take a longer vacation in December and spend more time there.

If you find a good girl then you want to get on a plane and meet her. I've said that
a thousand times. My reason is different than yours. My reasons are:
1. Why spend additional time yacking until you've verified that you have mutual chemistry.
2. If she's as good as gold and an excellent prospect to be Mrs______________ your name
here then you better meet her and get her off the market before some other slippery d!ck
does. Many of these girls are very pragmatic, you are a keyboard Romeo until you show up.
Brad Pitt online isn't as good as your plain and normal self in the flesh. 
3. You want to be a man of action not words. Get on a plane sweep her off her feet, kiss
her so that she sees stars swirling around her head and all those other James Bond type
things.

Don't forget a back up plan of some sort. If things don't work out you are in the FSU and
there are millions of girls there who would probably like to meet you. You don't have to
write them, just have a plan in place in case things go South.

Udachi!

Bill

[Boethius]

Don't forget a back up plan of some sort. If things don't work out you are in the FSU and
there are millions of girls there who would probably like to meet you. You don't have to
write them, just have a plan in place in case things go South.

Assuming your post was directed at the OP, he has a back up plan, has married at least two FSUW, and invited at least one more between marriages to visit him.  So, he has already discovered there are millions of girls who may like to meet him.  Actually living with him apparently is a different matter.