A long slow brush off?

[coreqq]

Hi. For me, Internet dating is more difficult and "trickier" than domestic dating because it is difficult to gauge her interest level. For example I am wondering if I am getting the slow brush off, in contrast to my past experiences when the girl will simply stop writing without a goodbye or explanation. Has this happened to anyone here? This girl I have been writing to since January seems to be very busy lately. In March I spent 10 days with her and her parents and it was all a big success. In the beginning we wrote almost everyday and during our meeting we agreed to meet again in the Summer at a more romantic destination. Now since our meeting the e-mails have become shorter, less content, and less frequent, about 3 a month because she is busy at the dacha. I should mention that I have never been stingy and that she lives with her parents and she has her own computer and does not have a regular job; she does occasional computer work for her parents who are school teachers. Also her parents own 2 cars and 2 apartments along with their large dacha. I'm getting the impression that she has lost interest and is simply too shy to tell me so, or maybe someone else is getting most of her attention, or both. Now I am beginning to wonder if I should cancel my travel plans. I am reminded of another girl I once met in Ukraine that repeatedly used the "dacha and sick grandmother" excuse for never being at home. Turns out she had a steady boyfriend that required most of her time, but that is another story.  I would prefer to keep a steady line of communication going in order to keep the relationship alive and stimulated so that we are comfortable when we meet again this Summer. I suppose I could come right out and ask her about it but I can see where that could cause more problems. Any thoughts, opinions? Thanks!
George

[Shadow]

Send her a surprise gift and see if that sparks some fire.
If you say you have not been stingy, does that mean you are supporting her with regular amounts of cash ? In that case she might be  just afraid that if she tells you she is not interested, you will label her as scammer and want your money back.

[coreqq]

[.
If you say you have not been stingy, does that mean you are supporting her with regular amounts of cash ? [/quote]

No, nothing like that, just the usual normal things. She was very reluctant to except anything from me at all while we were together during our visit.

[Turboguy]

It sounds to me like either her interest is waining or she has other interests and I don't mean the dacha. 

If she is really serious about you that level of contact does not sound normal to me.  When I read the stories of others I hear about guys who call and talk for an hour every day or send tons of messages and the like.   The two hottest relationships I have been in had 10 - 20 messages a day.  Not everyone is the same but I have gals who I have no interest in and still manage more than three e-mails a month.

I think you have two choices.  Go ahead with your visit and hope that it rekindles things or start looking for some other interests for yourself.  If they have Dachas where you live that would be a possibily, otherwise you might want to find another kind of interest.

[Michelangelo]

She is only writing two or three times a month?

I think she has other love interests and you have become a "backup" plan...  That sucks.

It certainly won't hurt for you to see her this summer.  But with that level of contact, she is simply not very interested in you, George.

Thus, you need to be writing other girls and have backup plans in place, too...

[tim 360]

Girls are very good at letting one know how interested they are in a particuliar guy.  For whatever reason her level of interest in you has drastically tapered off.  Why,  I don't know?

[JPjr]

You are trying to be honest with yourself, but cannot accept that you are being rejected. Almost everyone here knows, when an RW is truly interested , she will make sure you know it. If the possibility does exist for a  renewal of that interest, you are thwarting it by pushing and grasping. Back off and be patient  and your hopes or fears will become apparent. Then it is up to you to accept what you see. Denial of the truth will not change it.

[tcanol]

It is interesting to me to read your question George, and the responses that you have received. Because I am having the same thing happen to me right now also. So I have the same kind of questions. I don't like the others answers but I am afraid they are probably true.

I hope this turns around for you, and me too.
Tim

[PeeWee]

You are trying to be honest with yourself, but cannot accept that you are being rejected. Almost everyone here knows, when an RW is truly interested , she will make sure you know it. If the possibility does exist for a  renewal of that interest, you are thwarting it by pushing and grasping. Back off and be patient  and your hopes or fears will become apparent. Then it is up to you to accept what you see. Denial of the truth will not change it.

This was my thought. Every RW that I have communicated with in a romantic way has made it very clear what she wants from me and that she is interested in me. They just don't seem to play the coy card like Western women so often do. This is one characteristic that I like about FSU W. The door that this opens for you to be more direct with them as well. My idea is for you to say to her, "It seems to me that you are losing interest in us." And then let her do her little tap dance routine and you judge how it looks. She will be honest with you.

If she is a scammer she will deny the she is loosing interest and then ask for more money. If she is losing interest then she will say it. If she tells you that she has been busy and then appologizes for it and that she wants to continue and does not ask for something, like money, they you are probably ok.

I have this going on myself and I have not read anything into it. That is sometimes how relationships progress. With my lady I do a short email once a day, a kind of a checking in type email. I call  her about twice each week. I used to get long emails from her but now they are short ones. "I wanted to say hi. I was thinking of you. Today I am going to my farm."  That type of thing. She always ends them with a, "Thinking of you."  or "My warm kisses."  That partof the email is the most important and what I pay the most attention to. If the ending changed to, "Your friend."  or "Goodbye" that it would be a better clue to me that her mood had changed than anything else.

I dated an Aeroflot crew member for 3 years. We never once in three years exchanced emails. Phone calls were erratic. Her schedule and my schedule were as erratic. It was catch as catch can. She never knew her schedule. So I would literly have to call her home for three or four days on end to find her. Or I would be home, the phone would ring, and, "I'm in LA this week can you come now?" But it worked. But even with her she would always let me know her temperature. "I'm mad. Don't call me again." or "I am sleeping now but call me at in 4 hours." Always she would say at the end of our call or meeting, "Don't forget me." On the day she said, "Forget about me." That was a strong clue to me that her mood had changed with regard to our relationship. Interesting, however, I did forget about her and moved on. Three months later the phone rings. "I'm in New York. Can you come now?" As if we had just talked yesterday. My point is, when it comes to women, they can be fickle but with the Russians/Ukraine you can be as direct with them as they are with you and generally they will tell you what it is that you want to know.

Peewee

[tcanol]

My idea is for you to say to her, "It seems to me that you are losing interest in us." And then let her do her little tap dance routine and you judge how it looks. She will be honest with you.

I like this idea, and I had thought about something like this too. I guess I am afraid to say this, because I fear what the answer might be.

[Michelangelo]

My idea is for you to say to her, "It seems to me that you are losing interest in us." And then let her do her little tap dance routine and you judge how it looks. She will be honest with you.

I like this idea, and I had thought about something like this too. I guess I am afraid to say this, because I fear what the answer might be.

Ignorance is not bliss.

Been there, done that.  Your mind wants to tell you that it will be ok.  You want her and dream it will all work out. But it really rarely does.  So push for a decision now, so you can move on and invest yourself in developing a new and better relationship.

A girl who is truly interested in you will want daily or weekly phone calls and multiple emails.

The truth hurts, but ignoring reality will eventually hurt even more...

[chivo]

You are trying to be honest with yourself, but cannot accept that you are being rejected. Almost everyone here knows, when an RW is truly interested , she will make sure you know it. If the possibility does exist for a  renewal of that interest, you are thwarting it by pushing and grasping. Back off and be patient  and your hopes or fears will become apparent. Then it is up to you to accept what you see. Denial of the truth will not change it.

This is the best advice you can get. Its obvious that (to me anyway) she has a new love interest. Dachas are a place to rest and get away, not to be so busy that she cant communicate. back off, no desperation, no gifts, no communication...NOTHING, and then see if she continues and in what context she continues in and try to make a honest conclusion with yourself should it get to that point.

in reality you are right, this long distance relationship with another culture is tricky. i can assure you that they're many good women here looking to fall in love. as much as it might hurt to accept that she has moved on for whatever the reason, it might be best that you move on as well.

i would not give up if its a FSUW that you are interested in.

but like others have said, make sure that this IS what you want because what you are experiencing happens...a lot. if you cannot accept this type of conclusion, stay close to home, its much cheaper. good luck.

chivo

[docetae]

My idea is for you to say to her, "It seems to me that you are losing interest in us." And then let her do her little tap dance routine and you judge how it looks. She will be honest with you.

I like this idea, and I had thought about something like this too. I guess I am afraid to say this, because I fear what the answer might be.

I get during two months the same situation. In fact there was multiple factors (spam filter, she was doing double time at her work, etc) and I told her that I was not interested to continue to correspond with her if this will be for that kind of relation but I was not closing the door and ask her feelings and what she thought will be the best.

Since this time our exchange were a lot warmer and everything seems for the best.

[BillyB]

Coreqq, How many times do you call a month? I don't hear much mention of you calling her? Maybe she thought you're not interested in her or you're not man enough to get on the phone with her? Regardless, she's not into you at the moment. Maybe you misread the success you had during your first visit or something was lost since then? Maybe she got to know you and was turned off by your behavior as you are turned off by her behavior now? When relationships fall apart, somebody has to let go first. It's a good thing if two people that aren't compatable don't get married. Just remember, if a woman's into you, she's not going to give you much resistance.

[Sohkay]

George,
Whenever someone I want to hear from, doesn't contact me, or respond to me, or frequently tells me that they're too busy, this time-tested adage comes to mind...

Where there is a will,
there is a way.

Defend your emotional health, your time and your money. Don't bet it all on this girl at this point.

And get brutally honest with yourself. We can speculate till the cows come home about what she is doing now. What you have to go on, right now, in reality, are her actions. And of course, actions speak louder than words.

One more thing, if you're holding back on communicating with her about a situation like this for fear of making her angry, then something is not right.
Either with you, or her, or both. But I'm primarily concerned about your attitude towards communication with a love interest.

Please take a hard look at your actions. A little time spent doing this now could save you immeasurable amounts of pain in the future.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Albert]

"In March I spent 10 days with her and her parents and it was all a big success. In the beginning we wrote almost everyday and during our meeting we agreed to meet again in the Summer at a more romantic destination. Now since our meeting the e-mails have become shorter, less content, and less frequent, about 3 a month because she is busy at the dacha."

First, how do define a 'big success.'  Have you had enough experience with women in general and FSU women in particular that you can make such a judgement?  Is big success letting you hold her hand, having her parents do special things for you . . . . or what?

Second, I have a different viewpoint than other responders.  I continue to have a 3 year affair with a FSU woman who indeed does go to her parent's dacha for most of the summer.  She is a school teacher and does not teach during the summer.  Her mobile phone has poor or no reception at the dacha, the parent's phone connection is also unreliable and there are no internet cafes in the nearby village.  Our correspondence dwindles to about once a month during the summer and only happens when she travels to a larger city to use internet.  She works very hard in the garden with her parents, and they preserve and can much food for the winter months.

Third, it is still unclear what the status is with your gal.  For me, I do not worry about the gaps in communication with this particular gal of mine because neither of us is in any hurry to make any commitment.  But for you, if you are ready to move forward, then you need to put her on the spot and get a go or no go reading.

[coreqq]

Thanks guys for your very helpful input. However, she surprised me with 2 phone calls during the past 4 days.  The first to say hello and 2 days later a second one to respond to my call that was cut short before her mother got her to the phone. In both cases I was not home and she left a rather warm message on my machine of "hello and misses me" and asked if I was trying to call her. I should mention that getting a phone connection is often a challenge. (She had asked for my number long ago) I suspect it had something to do with the fact I had backed off from the situation with the idea in mind of possibly ending it. Also I asked her if she really wanted to meet with me again this Summer. Like some of you said, why go through the torment if she has found a new love interest. Anyway she seemed a little disturbed in her e-mail because of my doubts and told me she had no other man even though  I did not ask her.  Confusing. I still have time to mull it over and decide what to do and maybe come up with a back up plan with someone that had expressed interest in me recently.

[PeeWee]

"In March I spent 10 days with her and her parents and it was all a big success. In the beginning we wrote almost everyday and during our meeting we agreed to meet again in the Summer at a more romantic destination. Now since our meeting the e-mails have become shorter, less content, and less frequent, about 3 a month because she is busy at the dacha."

First, how do define a 'big success.'  Have you had enough experience with women in general and FSU women in particular that you can make such a judgement?  Is big success letting you hold her hand, having her parents do special things for you . . . . or what?

Second, I have a different viewpoint than other responders.  I continue to have a 3 year affair with a FSU woman who indeed does go to her parent's dacha for most of the summer.  She is a school teacher and does not teach during the summer.  Her mobile phone has poor or no reception at the dacha, the parent's phone connection is also unreliable and there are no internet cafes in the nearby village.  Our correspondence dwindles to about once a month during the summer and only happens when she travels to a larger city to use internet.  She works very hard in the garden with her parents, and they preserve and can much food for the winter months.

Third, it is still unclear what the status is with your gal.  For me, I do not worry about the gaps in communication with this particular gal of mine because neither of us is in any hurry to make any commitment.  But for you, if you are ready to move forward, then you need to put her on the spot and get a go or no go reading.

I think too that it depends on how secure you are or how insecure you are about yourself with women in general or more specificily, with the relationship.

When I dated the Aeroflot lady I would call maybe once each week or sometimes twice. Not once in three years did we exchange an email. With the current lady and another one now in the past I call about twice a week and I email each day. But I do miss emailing a day hear and there. With me as long as I have the feeling that they are still heading and thinking in the same general direction as I am then I don't feel the need to be making a constant temperature check, or to have daily contact with her. In the end I believe that when in doubt...ask waz up.

Peewee

[Michelangelo]

Coreqq, I agree with PeeWee...

Simply ask her "waz up?"

Tell her your concerns and you want to re-establish the closeness and contact you had after your March visit.  Communicating with a woman is a challenge, and with an FSU girl multiple it times 10!

So my advice is to be very direct and honest about how you are feeling and tell her these things--clearly.

Good luck-- I think her call to you is a positive sign.

[coreqq]

Even so, the dacha seems a very convenient excuse, much like the old "sick grandmother" routine. I called her early yesterday morning, and that's where she was,again, according to her mother.

[START2]

George,
  I'm sure your man enough to know if it's not working. If not, move on. However, let me give you a tidbit of info. I think it was Chivo that told you that the Dacha is a place of rest and relaxation. I can assure you that this time of year, there is no R&R at the dacha. I just came home and 2 days of my vacation I helped my MIL and FIL hoe potatoes. My wife is still there and has also been in the garden for several days. They've had alot of rain and it wasn't always a good time for the garden. They depend on their garden for much of their summer veggies and winter veggies. They spend alot of time making this happen. If you have no experience with this, maybe it's something to consider. FWIW.

[chivo]

George,
  I'm sure your man enough to know if it's not working. If not, move on. However, let me give you a tidbit of info. I think it was Chivo that told you that the Dacha is a place of rest and relaxation. I can assure you that this time of year, there is no R&R at the dacha. I just came home and 2 days of my vacation I helped my MIL and FIL hoe potatoes. My wife is still there and has also been in the garden for several days. They've had alot of rain and it wasn't always a good time for the garden. They depend on their garden for much of their summer veggies and winter veggies. They spend alot of time making this happen. If you have no experience with this, maybe it's something to consider. FWIW.

it depends on the situation.

most dachas around moscow for instance, are within an hour drive. even in smaller (but still big) cities its much the same, actually even closer. i can 100% inform you that many of the Russians i know and talk to go there precisely to rest, actively as they say, or actually veg. they invite their friends and family, have parties (theres a rumor going around that Russians like to party ), etc.

yes some go and garden and some go to renovate the place as well. but most rest and relax.

my father use to get up 5am every morning to go to work and didn't arrive back home until around 5pm. gardening was something he would do on the side when he got home and on weekends. he grew vegetables, we had fruit trees, and the house was like a tropical playground in the backyard (in LA). he also had plenty of time to communicate with someone if it was what he desired to do. think about it, we're talking about making a phone, and even if shes out in the sticks without a car, we're talking about communicating 3 times a month presently, come on.

it takes effort from both parties involved if this is to lead to the relationship you want to have. not just from you.

George, i wrote a post about being the man to FSUW. you must tell her what you want from this relationship and be strong and confident. tell her how you want the relationship to be, and thats it. it doesn't mean to be rude, just decisive. you're aleady invested emotionally and these types of relationships with someone from another country, where there is little communication can drive you crazy.

tell her that if she is not serious, then you're moving on. no drama, just be prepared to move on and see what shes does. whatever she does, good or bad, will tell you all you need to know about the direction you should go. but, again remember, be prepared to move and be strong with it. no desperation, no bullshit, just knowing what you want. shell respect that if nothing else. good luck, peace out.

chivo 

[DKMM]

An age old problem.  The problem is, nobody here knows her intentions.  It could be that she's busy, or it could be she is keeping you on the back burner.  You have no way of knowing for sure and that's the beauty of a long distance relationship. 

However, it looks like you got good advice about raising some doubts with her.  Absolutely make her think you will back off if she isn't ready.  Even if you are nuts about her, she has to think she will lose you (because of HER actions!).  At that point you know what her intentions are.  Anything but trying to win you back means time to go.  So that means you gotta be ready to do it.  Its hardball but you can't mess around in this high stakes game.

my $.02

[PeeWee]

An age old problem.  The problem is, nobody here knows her intentions.  It could be that she's busy, or it could be she is keeping you on the back burner.  You have no way of knowing for sure and that's the beauty of a long distance relationship. 

However, it looks like you got good advice about raising some doubts with her.  Absolutely make her think you will back off if she isn't ready.  Even if you are nuts about her, she has to think she will lose you (because of HER actions!).  At that point you know what her intentions are.  Anything but trying to win you back means time to go.  So that means you gotta be ready to do it.  Its hardball but you can't mess around in this high stakes game.

my $.02

Seems to me that I had offered this advice a few weeks ago via another thread as was told several times that it was akin to "playing games." You might now hear more of the same with regard to your suggestion. I still like my idea of asking her what is on her mind. "I have the feeling that you are losing interest in us. Am I wrong in feeling that?"

Peewee

[DKMM]

Nothing is wrong with that.  Sure it would be a perfect world if everybody was open with their communication but they aren't.  Nothing's worse than the slow brush off because you don't know at what point you gotta start over again.

Some might call it playing games but they aren't the ones with a plane ticket to visit somebody that isn't interested in anything serious. . . If she isn't making the effort its her own fault if she gets "played."