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[DonAz]

I agree with Shadow.
DonaZ, you’ll never have problems with you posting about your wife simply because of the nature of your posts. You never ask for advise or discuss your problems. I’m sure you’ve got them like everyone else. Clyde does “problems” bit more often then others. I’m not saying it is wrong, may be it is his tool for dealing with them. But I understand that his wife doesn’t like it. My husband is not any forum member. Sometimes he comes from work and tells me what his work-mate said in regards of our latest quarrel , I can’t say that I always like it. Of course, if I’m right in friend’s opinion, it’s OK with me, but if I’m not…  

Hello Wild Orchid,
You do bring up a valid point. I do not post about our problems or ask advice (at least on board). The fact is our problems are rather minor and easily handles. We communicate our issues readily and openly with each other so things do not get out of hand. Contrary to my sometimes-aggressive posting style, I am usually a very easy going and laid back kind of person. To go further I am really a mush and stay away from stress and tension as much as possible. Yulia is pretty much the same, except she can be stubborn as a Missouri mule at times. I would say the only big problem we had, it would be Yulia getting used to using Debit Cards. She thought of it as not being real money. I have discussed this with another member (off board) who had the same experience. I planned on starting a thread about it but I have been a bit lazy lately. Maybe I will start one soon.


 Having said that, if someone, in concert with my wife, were spying on me, I would lose it. IMO that is crossing a line that  that is sacred. and  is the provenance of a husband and wife.

We all need our own space and separate interests. For his wife to demand that he curtail his postings smacks of control issues in my book

DonAz.

[PeeWee]

Clyde, tell your wife that you cannot leave the forum because Peewee needs your good advices. I am far from out of the woods here. I need to be shown the way, lad!

Peewee

[Wild Orchid*]

Hello Wild Orchid,
 Having said that, if someone, in concert with my wife, were spying on me, I would lose it. IMO that is crossing a line that  that is sacred. and  is the provenance of a husband and wife.

DonAz.

I don’t think you can call it spying. SoC’s wife discussed it with him, it is possible that he knows who the third person reading this forum is. Quite possible he had an open conversation with his wife. I for instance wouldn’t like to be in Irina’s shoes and read about my problems. I can discuss my issues with others, but it is different when you read them sort of from the distance.  If there was a possibility that my husband might read or know about this sort of discussion I would ask for his opinion. Keeping in mind that many of you met in person you should be more careful with your posts. Rumors spread fast. Do you really need it?

[Bruno]

I don’t think you can call it spying. SoC’s wife discussed it with him, it is possible that he knows who the third person reading this forum is. Quite possible he had an open conversation with his wife. I for instance wouldn’t like to be in Irina’s shoes and read about my problems. I can discuss my issues with others, but it is different when you read them sort of from the distance.  If there was a possibility that my husband might read or know about this sort of discussion I would ask for his opinion. Keeping in mind that many of you met in person you should be more careful with your posts. Rumors spread fast. Do you really need it?

Soc wrote the 20/04/2006

I was seriously thinking about packing it all in and just leaving RWD and the other boards behind. I rarely look at RWG anymore.

My wife sees no value posting anything personal here or sharing our lives with others. Maybe we need to resolve these problems together and not with outside help.

...

So as far as I am concerned my days of posting personal things are over. Maybe I will add my 2 cents from time to time if it is worth anything.

Seem that Irina have already express her concern over posting personal thing... that Soc have agree to stop... unfortunaly, he have not respect his own words... What happen now is only the fault of Soc... since he continue posting personal thing after knowing that his wife don't like it and himself saying that he will stop... he have lie to her and he is busy to destroy partially the trust who exist between them... What is more important for Soc : his family or posting personal thing on these forum ?

[Son of Clyde]

Now what do you call personal?
I have not posted about our sex life, my family, her family, my exact financial situation, who our friends are in the Baltimore community, our political stance, my job, etc. Now I may have touched on some of these subjects in the beginning.

I post about our misunderstandings, personality conflicts etc.

I have seen very detailed trip reports posted by others with all the sordid details. I have seen others post about their sexual exploits.

The biggest problem is that Photo Guy and I were never married before and we may have posted too much about the conflicts married people experience daily and take for granted from experience and no longerr have a need to share with others. I am experiencing them for the first time.

I need to stop posting to try to resolve conflicts unrelated to RW and AM.

Posting about the camera fiasco was a definate no no.

I posted a lot about immigration, and where we were at in the process because others can relate to this.

[Bruno]

Now what do you call personal?
...
I post about our misunderstandings, personality conflicts etc.

This can be personal things... misunderstanding and personality conflict need to be resolved in the familial circle, not specially on a forum...

But it is not the main problem in these case... you have agree in April with your wife for not post personal thing and now, you ask us what is call personal... don't you think that these question is for your wife... ask her what she consider personal and make some agrement with her before continue to post... Until both of you have agree on what is possible to post and not, it is better suspend any post...

Go a little away from the forum and speak with her... without speaking, you will not be able to resolve these minor problem... We cannot help you for this, it is your wife, your relation, your live...

[Son of Clyde]

Bruno, I am getting away I have only posted to this thread because I started the thread and i want to clarify certain things.

I will still be here in spirit and maybe to visit the chat room.

[Turboguy]

Personally Clyde, I think RWD feels a need for you.   I think you are dealing with a lot of issues for the first time and you sorta need someone to talk to about it. 

So, don't post if you are not going to but if you ever feel you need to talk to someone, we are here and won't make a big deal out of it if you post after saying you were not going to.   I hope you are able to visit the chat room regularly.  We would miss you if we didn't see you at all.  You will be fine.  You are still adjusting to each other.  It will get easier with time.

[David1963]

I post about our misunderstandings, personality conflicts etc.

I need to stop posting to try to resolve conflicts unrelated to RW and AM. 

Clyde,

Your problems are not RW/AM related, they are just normal relationship problems.  Just as Photo Guy, neither of you have had much relationship experience so all these issues that most of us have dealt with or avoided you are now learning to deal with.

My previous relationship was similar to yours, we both had dominant personalities and neither of us were willing to bend enough to make the relationship work.  Actually it was similar to what Daknack was saying, she was a dominant person and wanted to be in that roll but she would have nothing to do with a submissive man.  She has been single for the last 23 years and will always be single, she has no clue why either which is sad.   

[PeeWee]

I don’t think you can call it spying. SoC’s wife discussed it with him, it is possible that he knows who the third person reading this forum is. Quite possible he had an open conversation with his wife. I for instance wouldn’t like to be in Irina’s shoes and read about my problems. I can discuss my issues with others, but it is different when you read them sort of from the distance.  If there was a possibility that my husband might read or know about this sort of discussion I would ask for his opinion. Keeping in mind that many of you met in person you should be more careful with your posts. Rumors spread fast. Do you really need it?

You just gave me an idea, WO. I think that Clyde still needs a sounding board with regard to RW and intercutural relationships, I know I do. His wife does not seem to be opposed to discussing issues with others, as you do, so why not pm one of two guys about it , as opposed to posting the question or the concern to the general world, as it were? In doing so then he can maintain contact and she will feel more normal about it.

Peewee

[KenC]

Clydster,
Go if you think you must, but stay if you want to.  Your wife's issue with you posting here is a relationship power struggle.  How you choose to deal with it is a good indication of what your relationship will be like in the future.  People naturally throw little "tests" at each other in a relationship to determine the boundaries of their influence on the other.  In other words, they tend to test just how much control they have.  Your wife's demand is just a test of her control over you.  I made a joke up thread about how RW seek a manly man and then try their best to dominate him.  In every joke their is a little truth to be found.

OK, today your wife is demanding (?) that you discontinue posting here. She blames it on you posting personal issues.  Well, this is an anonymous forum, so what? Talk with her and establish what should and should not be posted.  But to leave here, when you do not want to leave, is just establishing her control over you. It will not end with this issue either.  There will be new conflicts and control issues too.  How you react will help shape your relationship in the future.  As always relationships are give and take and full of compromises.  Your decision about this forum is just one of the many tests that will be thrown your way.

Up thread, you wrote:

The thing that really upsets me is that she sometimes thinks she is the only one affected. It is apparently evident to my family when I am stressed out but not always to her.

Your statement says a lot about your relationship.  And it doesn't say anything good to be honest.  Your wife either doesn't pay attention to your happiness or doesn't care about it.  Either way, she is showing a very selfish nature.  Clyde, you are a rather passive guy and this marriage thing is all new territory for you, but you do need to establish some boundaries or you're going to be destined for a life of a totally whipped man.  Just remember that good marriages are give & take.  Not give & give or take & take, but give & take.  Good luck to you in what ever you decide.
KenC

[andrewfi]

 

Every time you take a step back, the next backward step gets easier to take.

Eventually there will be a wall behind you, but still the demands to take backward steps. At that time, I hope that you do not own a home or have money in the bank.

This is, as someone else noted, normal relationship stuff; to a degree. IMHO there are two people overstepping the bounds of normal relationships. Your wife and her informant. You probably need a sounding board, this board gives it. By taking that away from you, your wife increases your isolation and her control over you. If she is a decent person she will understand this. If she is not, she will not and you will know what kind of a woman you are married to. (At that point you will need a sounding board more than ever!)

best wishes.

[Bruno]

Bruno, I am getting away I have only posted to this thread because I started the thread and i want to clarify certain things.

I will still be here in spirit and maybe to visit the chat room.

Clyde, getting away is not a solution... it is not so simple... it is not the time for some retreat but time for negociation...

You need to speak with your wife... explain what you wish, what you agree to negociate with her... The problem is not the board, it is not your post... it is how you interact with your wife... living together mean some sacrifice but these sacrifice don't need to be one way...

Speaking together can lead to a continuation of your post here with some limitations about the content of the post... These limitations are the result of a partner discussion with your wife and not something that she obligate you to follow.

Dialogue is a keyword in relationship !

[Photo Guy]

David1963 wrote: '... Just as Photo Guy, neither of you have had much relationship experience...'
NOT TRUE. A CROCK. TOTAL BULL**T!!  Just because I haven't been married, doesn't mean I've stayed in my room my entire life. Your statement is ridiculous.


SoC, Hey, sorry to see you go. PM or email me anytime.  -Photo Guy

[jb]

Son of Clyde,

I'm sorta in agreement with Andrew here.  If you persist in this behavior, you might as well hand over your nutsack and forget about being a man, or commanding the respect of anyone, including your wife.  She has already exhibited a lack of care and respect by her actions with this and several other controlling issues you've previously posted about.

Because you've never been married before you seem to have confused being a husband with being a doormat, trust me, they are not the same things.  Either you get a handle on her now, or get used to the idea of being walked on for the rest of your life.   There ain't a piece of ass in the world worth more than your self respect, although there are lots of women in the world who would love to make you believe otherwise.  Your choice, my friend. 

[BC]

I still take sides with SOC's wife.. 

My wife would never, ever 'share' me with others in any public format.  Even when other couples are over for dinner etc. certain lines are not crossed.  Our marriage is our marriage period.  Our vows were to each other and not to anyone outside our family. Unless we mutually agree, current problems are not discussed with others.

We may however (and often do) share our experiences as to how we overcame hurdles in the past, usually in general terms.

IMHO Clyde's wife is screaming 'If you want to talk, talk with me instead!'.

It's not about being a wuss, having big nuts or drawing lines in the sand.  Clydes problem is that he is still not able to properly communicate with his wife.

One will never learn to swim holding on to the side of the pool.  She is simply telling him to let go.

Swim Clyde, swim!   

[KenC]

BC,
I agree with you, but you are missing the point here, I think. Or at least we are focusing on two different aspects of the issue. The main issue (as I see it) is if Clyde should leave the board at his wife's request not what he should or should not post. As I posted above, Clyde and Mrs. Clyde should have a very specific conversation regarding the contents of his posts.  What is and is not acceptable should be established. I think that Clyde does have the tendency to uses this forum as a marriage or relationship help and support forum for problems that have nothing to do with RW/AM relationships.  Just plain old marriage questions.  I don't mind it, but obviously his wife does.  Or does she?  Maybe it is just a control issue.
KenC

[KenC]

David1963 wrote: '... Just as Photo Guy, neither of you have had much relationship experience...'
NOT TRUE. A CROCK. TOTAL BULL**T!!  Just because I haven't been married, doesn't mean I've stayed in my room my entire life. Your statement is ridiculous.


SoC, Hey, sorry to see you go. PM or email me anytime.  -Photo Guy

Easy there Tiger,
David probably meant "marriage" experience.
KenC

[David1963]

Easy there Tiger,
David probably meant "marriage" experience.
KenC

Actually I did mean relationship experience.  I'm sure PG disagrees and maybe others but we can all read his episode and what he posts and make our own decisions. 

Between PG and Clyde we can see two opposite choices, PG sent her back and Clyde is sticking to the relationship.  Who made the right choice is up to interpretation.  I see PG as the one who cut and ran while Clyde, right or wrong only the future will tell, is holding to principle.

[Turboguy]

David,  I don't know what posts you have been reading but Photoguy did not send her back.

Also just because someone has never been married doesn't mean they are a virgin or have never been around a woman.  I have been single for over 20 years since my divorce but just like some of the others there were some relationships in there and I am sure P/G and Clyde both had their share of expereinces, good and bad. 

[KenC]

Actually I did mean relationship experience.  I'm sure PG disagrees and maybe others but we can all read his episode and what he posts and make our own decisions. 

Between PG and Clyde we can see two opposite choices, PG sent her back and Clyde is sticking to the relationship.  Who made the right choice is up to interpretation.  I see PG as the one who cut and ran while Clyde, right or wrong only the future will tell, is holding to principle.

Wow, David, did you miss that one by a mile!  If you read any of Photo's threads you would know that he was very much in love with Larisa and still is interested in making her his wife.  With all the citicisms I had of his actions, dedication was never one of them.  In fact, his dedication to her is was to the extreme.

Turbo,
while I agree that both Photo and Clyde had to have had some experience with women some time in their lives, it was never marriage experience.  It has never come out, but they may have never even lived with a woman before. Dating and being married are two very different experiences in my book.
KenC

[Turboguy]

I have to agree with you that Ken, dating and marriage are two different things.  Actually you can date a gal or even live with her for 10 years and might find an entirely different gal after one day of marriage.   Sometimes they change a lot when they get the ring through your nose,  opps, I mean on your finger. 

I agree, their lives before their posts here have not come out.  I have the impression from talks with PG that he has had some relationships but I don't know to what extent.  I think one way or the other you are right, marriage is a different animal and they both would have some adjusting to do. 

As far as Davids post, we both have said he was wrong on Photoguy.  As far as Clyde, he wants it to work and will do all he can to make it succeed.  If it doesn't it won't be for lack of trying.  I think he deserves a lot of credit.  I think Iryna also wants it to work and is trying hard to make it work.   No one in this world is perfect.  They just need to learn to solve the problems they face and to adapt to their new lives.  Iryna has also had to adjust to a new culture, a new language and a very different world so I think she deserves to be cut a little slack.

[tim 360]

For Clyde or for any man this is a very slippery slope.  He may try to appease his wife and stay off this board.  But, in short time she will undoubtably present him with another retreat or demand about something else.  As he keeps retreating sooner or later his back hits Andrewfi's wall. She keeps demanding and he keeps giving up things he likes to do,  she grows more powerful and he is not a happy guy. I have seen this happen in good marriages and the husband gives in on this and then on that and....there is no end to it and the wife is not a happier person because he obeyed her.

Now if a man did this to his wife he would be called controlling.  Actually many would call it abuse. 

Clyde it is just not healthy for you to allow your wife to make such demands upon you.  Not good for you, for her or your marriage. Worse that she brings in a 3rd party to spy.

If she was demanding that you stop gambling or getting drunk or snorting coke or driving 100 mph...no problem.  It is for your and her good.  But posting on an internet board is not in the same category.  Pretty harmless. In fact for you I think this board provides you with a healthy enviroment to hash-out some things.  It is self-help.  It is good therapy for you.  You need an outlet and a good therapist would cost you $100 per 1/2 hour....every session.

She is trying to alienate you from something which has helped you in the past.  Your outlet and communication and yes,  a support system.  It is one of the first moves by controlling personalities and it ain't healthy for you.

I would highly recommend you reading a little Shakespeare, "The Taming of The Shrew" you can also get the movie.

This is sort of akin to JB's wife telling him he can't fish anymore and the boat and fishing equipment have to go. The guy likes to fish.  It's harmless.  Why take that away from him?   Good luck, Cheerio, Tim360

[Daknack]

Now if a man did this to his wife he would be called controlling.  Actually many would call it abuse. 

Actually I think MOST would call is abuse.  In defense of the guys they are not waffling like worms, and they havent changed thier view one the actions.  That is to thier credit.

[BC]

There is no abuse involved imho.

I can remember after my wife arrived that quite a while passed before I again became a regular poster.

I think it will do him well to devote full time to issues in his marriage.  There is really very little we can do helping from afar..  in fact chances of making things worse are greater.