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Author Topic: Wow. It's been over 18 years since I posted on this board. MarriedNDivorced a RW  (Read 3337 times)

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Offline iolanik

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I've been married to one close to 11 years now. I've actually spent a lot of time with my wife's family whom have also become my family. Some of them have spent time with us at our home. I travel to Russia on average every other year and spend 2-3 weeks at a time. I have Russian friends and acquaintances in Russia outside of my wife's friends and family. My MIL is very near and dear to me as is many in my wife's family. I can say with full conviction Yes, I know her upbringing and there was little if any negativity about it. My wife describes it as typical and normal for the times.

I'm sorry your relationship went tits up. I would say the success rate is far below 60%. More like 20% or below. It's a pretty safe bet you contributed at least 50% of the failure in your marriage? You're painting a pretty wide swath with that brush of yours. Women are women the world over. If you wanted a subjugated woman, find you a muslim. If passive is what you seek look to Asia. You went to Russia, did you not understand the women there have the same DNA as their brethren here? You sound bitter. I can honestly state my Russian wife is probably the best decision I have made in life. No regrets and if she were to leave me tomorrow I still wouldn't have any.

Well I am not saying that I did not contribute to the failure but I can tell you that i wasnt responsible for 50% of the failure since infidelity was involved so I am making a default assessment that i can take at max 40% but that being said, I never wanted a subjugated woman if I did, I wouldve married a FOB Country chinese girl or as you stated muslim, but nahh not for me. THe main issue was her upbringing and her mother's attitude towards her dad. Interestingly enough, she recently went back a year ago to visit her parents and found that her dad had left her mom alone in their apt and spent the majority of his time at their dacha. My ex father in law is a good man and I love him to this day but I cant say the same for her mom. I may put all the details of my story on the discussion someday but for the old timers who knew me and talked with me as well as met me, they can tell you I gave a lot..but the problem is when you have a selfish person who only takes, and a person who gives more than they take, a disaster is awaiting.
I am happy for you that you found what you are looking for. You were smart in meeting her family first and spending time with them bc I think you get a really good sense of who a person is by the way they are with their parents, how they interact as a family and what the attitude is between the mother and father.  I made a critical mistake in not learning this upfront and it came back to bite me in the ass.

Offline iolanik

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I understand your anger my kaikaina...
when I was younger I once felt as you feel now towards other women
I was married to my Russian woman on the beach at Maui
so this howlie is a little familiar with Hawaiians
probably most “laid back” people I ever met...
but can see where someone from that laid-back culture
would have compatibility issues with Russian culture

what helped me a lot really was being in the military
there I learned how to not react to being yelled at
you may laugh at this, but being yelled at by my wife had so little effect on me
that after the first year of marriage she just stopped doing it, because what was the point
if it had no effect, that it didn’t even “register”

ya gotta understand Russians have a PTSD culture
read how PTSD sufferers behave, this is how most Russians behave
so if you “fight back”, guess what happens?
it gets worse...

if like me, you ignore it, it disappears after they learn to adapt to their new environment
it took my wife a few years to get past yelling at me for various transgressions
shoes on in the house, making a mess somewhere, etc

the other thing is, I am absolutely devoted to my family
willing to make ANY sacrifice for them, their happiness takes infinite priority over my own
I feel I’ve pretty much already gotten everything out of life I need or want
and it’s their needs and happiness I’m focused on
and...
they get it, that this is my way of showing my love
and they each find ways to show me their love

as far as her family goes...
it was an issue that we had a conflict over
she was very loyal to her family, but they were using us
so my problem was not really with her, but with them
something I’d tolerate for the sake of family
and my children liked being with their grandparents
in the end my wife began to see things the way I did
and so now all is well

so to deal with Russian wimmin
you NEVER directly oppose them
you become the water that flows around the boulder
and wears it down until it is less than a grain of sand
this requires patience

Actually it wasnt my wife yelling at me that was the issue, it was her indecision of what she wanted to do with her life and the fact that she was and to this day is not a family first person. I drive 100 miles each day total to drop off and pick up my kids from school and to take them to their moms house when they are supposed to be with her so that they dont have to bum rides or take the bus, if you think that I am exaggerating about the mileage, well lets just say I bought my highlander in June 2014, I work remotely 75% of the time and my car's odometer reading is about 158K miles.  The issue is that I give everything for ohana (family) above and beyond myself, that being said, she is the opposite. It is about her first, then how much of an inconvenience it is to her in order to "accommodate" (Her words) others.  As for your horrible daoist metaphors, water can flow but it can also come CRASHING DOWN WITH ULTIMATE FORCE. When you have multiple issues such as telling a marriage counselor that "We are not here for me, we are here to talk about HIS problems" you know its done. As a info tidbit, the divorce court awarded me 70/30% custody despite her petition for the reverse since she knew more custody = greater child support $$$ I deferred and stated 50/50 bc I wanted my kids to have a relationship with their mother, put them thru private school at $3500/mo tuition, paid $1800/mo in child support, which not a penny went to private school tuition bc in her words to the court "They dont have to go to private school they can go to public school.  That being said she did want to get back together 2 yrs after the divorce was finalized. I declined.

Your situation is different in that your wife's parents were using you and that your wife is loyal to her parents. My ex was loyal only to the extent where she brought them over after we were divorced so that she could take trips and they could watch the kids when she would leave to vegas for a weekend. Also that now her parents health is failing, I told her to get her mom a person to come to her parents apt 2 days a week to clean and prep food. Has she done it? Nope. Her dad just had another heart attack, just 1.5 yrs after having a triple bypass. I told her to go see him bc it might be her last time. Has she considered it? Nope. I told her that she needs to go see her parents bc she will regret it later. I was told to mind my own business. Okie Doke. Yep this kama'aina will remain Onipa'a to his keiki (kids) and raise them in the old Hawaiian wayz....because frankly, the russian way sux

Offline ML

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. . . she wanted to pursue a B.A. degree in graphic design at a Cal State school by our house.

Pretty good trick to go to Cal State (any of the campuses) from Hawaii !!

- - - - - - -

And I will say that my own wife's desire to NOT stay at home has been a source of problems in our marriage.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline GenMish

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Well I am not saying that I did not contribute to the failure but I can tell you that i wasnt responsible for 50% of the failure since infidelity was involved so I am making a default assessment that i can take at max 40% but that being said, I never wanted a subjugated woman if I did, I wouldve married a FOB Country chinese girl or as you stated muslim, but nahh not for me. THe main issue was her upbringing and her mother's attitude towards her dad. Interestingly enough, she recently went back a year ago to visit her parents and found that her dad had left her mom alone in their apt and spent the majority of his time at their dacha. My ex father in law is a good man and I love him to this day but I cant say the same for her mom. I may put all the details of my story on the discussion someday but for the old timers who knew me and talked with me as well as met me, they can tell you I gave a lot..but the problem is when you have a selfish person who only takes, and a person who gives more than they take, a disaster is awaiting.
I am happy for you that you found what you are looking for. You were smart in meeting her family first and spending time with them bc I think you get a really good sense of who a person is by the way they are with their parents, how they interact as a family and what the attitude is between the mother and father.  I made a critical mistake in not learning this upfront and it came back to bite me in the ass.

This reminds me of a story of my childrens great grandpa. He couldn't take anymore and spent the winter at the Dacha(mind you this is northern Urals, by late Feb he is living off of old potatoes, goat milk, and whatever pickled veggies are left), and great babushka went nuts. She was livid not because she missed him, but because he took the goat
Proverbs 21:19   It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.



Offline iolanik

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Pehea 'oe Iolani!

Island boy here..P.I.

Married RW in Oahu a few thousand moons ago, too.

I remember you, though never met. We did exchanged PMs once or twice before. Sad to see the your saga ended bruddah, but maybe just as well.

I've said the same thing you're saying that's bolded above. Nothing against FSUWs, certainly nothing against my wonderful wife, there are just certain, maybe mundane, benign or simple things that just doesn't quite complete the picture for me, happy camper as I am still married. Go figure....It may well be that pesky' cultural differences', who knows....IMO.

Friends often ask, I simply tell them 'stay home'!

Anyway, good to see you around! Aloha! Pomaika'i!

Hey Braddah yeah I remmeber you. You married a beautiful blonde girl if I not mistaken. Glad to hear you're doing well. My keiki all getting older now. Teenagers! We doing maika'i despite all of the crap their mom has put us thru. My kids more Hawaiian then russian you can best believe that.  I COMPLETELY understand what you are referring to about the cultural differences and even common sense differences. This is what I meant when I talk to guys and they nod their heads. I'm glad to hear you and the wifey are still married. Do you guys have keiki (kids?) Hope you post some pics! I'd like to see your ohana!

Offline iolanik

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Pretty good trick to go to Cal State (any of the campuses) from Hawaii !!

- - - - - - -

And I will say that my own wife's desire to NOT stay at home has been a source of problems in our marriage.

I don't live in Hawai'i anymore and havent since I left, so I dont get your statement since I was living in San FranSICKO at the time we got married...still am as a matter of fact but that is all changing after my son graduates HS. If I were living back home she wouldve gone to UH at Hilo. but then again Im glad we weren't bc if she did attend UH my own kanaka (people) wouldve thrown me outta da island!

Offline iolanik

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This reminds me of a story of my childrens great grandpa. He couldn't take anymore and spent the winter at the Dacha(mind you this is northern Urals, by late Feb he is living off of old potatoes, goat milk, and whatever pickled veggies are left), and great babushka went nuts. She was livid not because she missed him, but because he took the goat
Proverbs 21:19   It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.

LMFAO! CLASSIC!  Odd though that my ex fatherinlaw totally seemed to leave babushka to fend on her own bc he was "busy" at the dacha...busy smokin and drinking hence why he just suffered another heart attack 2 weeks ago. maybe Im thinking he's checked out and grown tired of his wife's nagging ass.

Offline krimster2

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“the issue is that I give everything for ohana”

hey, I’ve seen every “Lilo and Stitch” movie with my kids so I know what ohana means!!

IMHO, the kind of extreme selfish behavior you describe seems rooted in poverty
I lived in Crimea for 3 years with my wife and daughters, and I saw some crazy stuff there
my wife and I were buying properties and part of the process is title transfer, and you have to go this office and wait in line to file your documents
one time when we were there, these two women started screaming at each other
and then slugging each other as hard as they could
after it was all over, my wife filled me in on what happened
it appears some babushka died, and because there was no will, whoever got there first and filed a title change would be the new owner
and two selfish greedy sisters were both trying to cheat each other
and they both met at the title office at the same time, probably 2 minutes after finding out about babushka’s death, and immediately knew what the other was up to...
if they weren’t pulled apart, one of them would have died
and you know what, this is perfectly normal over there...

the problem is there IS A LOT of people like this over there, and if you marry one
YOU’RE REALLY SCREWED!!

my wife is VERY materialistic
but I make sure her needs are completely satisfied
and because I provide this satisfaction for her
she doesn’t need to seek it out on her own...
the benefit of this besides a diminished need for selfish thinking
is that I receive her gratitude
in a very intimate and loving way, if you know what I mean

Offline ML

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I receive her gratitude in a very intimate and loving way, if you know what I mean

WOW . . . a wife that provides intimacy and love !!!
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline krimster2

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nudge, nude, wink, wink....

Offline GQBlues

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Hey Braddah yeah I remmeber you. You married a beautiful blonde girl if I not mistaken. Glad to hear you're doing well. My keiki all getting older now. Teenagers! We doing maika'i despite all of the crap their mom has put us thru. My kids more Hawaiian then russian you can best believe that.  I COMPLETELY understand what you are referring to about the cultural differences and even common sense differences. This is what I meant when I talk to guys and they nod their heads. I'm glad to hear you and the wifey are still married. Do you guys have keiki (kids?) Hope you post some pics! I'd like to see your ohana!

No bettah way than island wayz, bruddah. You bring back good memories. Maika'i energy! I would tell you we had IZ's Somewhere over the Rainbow as our wedding song. I will never forget that day. Brought the whole family to the islands on our wedding and not only got FIL hang ten on Waikiki (Rooskie version. LOL He really tried), but also had them all chow-chow some garlic shrimp with rice roadside on the North shore. Ate with their hands. In-Law and family tells me best days of their lives.

Wifey's your typical slavic haol'e, though, as I'd like to say - I did OK as she's a nanikoki wahine. But then, boyz' not so bad either. Hahah! To this day, no matter where we are, she'd get at least one or two compliments from AWs. And yeah bruddah we do enjoy ourselves with our keikikane these days - ekahi. Shssh-shssh

Serious side though bro...we are the last couple (AM/FSUW) of about 8-9. Wifey and I at times talk of the times when we'd group-up as couples and hit the town, dinners, do things like camp, ski trips, beach-out, dance, bowl, parties, etc...now we look at the same people and no ex-couple can even stand to talk about their respective ex much less be in the same room with their exes anymore. Sadly sux, but life rolls. Some even already re-married and moved on.

You be good, man. I hardly post here anymore. The place had slowly passed it's time for me. Na kanaka'ino these days.

Anyway, I hope things remain maika'i for you and yours. e malama  pono!
~1. Because of 'man', global warming is causing desert and arid areas to suffer long, dry spell.
2. The 2018 Camp Fire and Woolsey California wildfires are forests burning because of global warming
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msmob  (Yes, he really said these)

Offline SANDRO43

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**I wonder if my original trip reports are still listed on here?**
If you made them back at RWG, they are NOT here as well. RWD was launched in 2005.
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline krimster2

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I have over the course of my lifetime been the witness to many divorces among friends, coworkers, neighbors even one relative...

and I have some observations...

a lot of times people are unhappy or depressed and this leads to anger and then hostility
so whatever fight they have with their spouse is just really a “proxy” battle over some other cause
i.e. if they’re stressed over money issues and then their wife unexpectedly spends some money and they over-react and get in a big fight with their wife about it, which leads to even deepening anger and hostility which will express itself in the next fight which leads to even deepening anger and hostility ad nauseum

so IMHO if you’re gonna get married, make sure you have no underlying issues that might restrict your happiness like money for instance

you also need to “click” with your spouse
by that I mean, you both will have to immediately like each other and get along very well with each other.

I have slept with many women that I didn’t click with
my whole life I clicked with 5 women, and my wife was the last one
these women are very special to me

my wife and I have been married 19 years, we have a very unique relationship
unlike anyone else’s that I know
we both feel and act with love towards each other
the big future challenge for me is coming in three months
when my oldest daughter leaves home and goes to live on Campus at Rice Univ
first it’ll be home on weekends and holidays then every other week, then once a year if I’m lucky
then my youngest will go and do the same....
sigh...

 

Online BillyB

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I will NEVER, repeat, NEVER deal with RWs again.......


The post you made before this one you wrote "Never say Never" when it came to getting hooked up with RW.

**I wonder if my original trip reports are still listed on here?**


It's probably on the old RWG forum. It got sold and people migrated here and elsewhere. Great forum but new owners took it in a different direction.

let me ask those who have visited my home COUNTRY of Hawai'i (Big Island to be exact) HOW MANY PEOPLE WILL SAY SOMETHING NEGATIVE ABOUT THEIR EXPERIENCE WITH MY PEOPLE (Kanaka) AND LAND ('Aina) VERSUS THE POSITIVE EXPERIENCE?


I lived in Aliamanu Crater on Ohau for three years. As a guest, I would not say something negative about Hawaiians but a wife who lives with you may point out the negatives from her perspective. In Hawaii, life is slow, and your people are really laid back. RW tend to move at a much faster pace and the extreme changes may have influence some bad behavior in your wife.

I've dated many RW and like night and day, they can have extreme differences in them. It seems things were not good match between you two. If you had found a good match, all those great things about RW you were told about may have come true.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 08:59:44 PM by BillyB »
There are people that will pass info about you and your family. Do not share info about yourself or share photos as they can search for you on the internet and distribute what they found since they are allowed to participate here.

Offline Maxx2

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what helped me a lot really was being in the military
there I learned how to not react to being yelled at
you may laugh at this, but being yelled at by my wife had so little effect on me
that after the first year of marriage she just stopped doing it, because what was the point
if it had no effect, that it didn’t even “register”


so to deal with Russian wimmin
you NEVER directly oppose them
you become the water that flows around the boulder
and wears it down until it is less than a grain of sand
this requires patience


14 years and 2 days ago I wrote this:


Maxx's rules of marital success by "being the man" with a RW wife.
« on: June 03, 2005, 09:47:35 AM »


http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=544.0
Quote
4) Handling RW rants and rages: Calmly stand there with a studying expression on your face. Do not speak a word. Then when her ranting is reaching it's peak show a very slight amused expression on your face, look at your watch and leave.
I sure got a lot of heat from that thread especially from RW.

« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 04:05:36 AM by Maxx2 »

Online Faux Pas

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14 years and 2 days ago I wrote this:


Maxx's rules of marital success by "being the man" with a RW wife.
« on: June 03, 2005, 09:47:35 AM »


http://www.russianwomendiscussion.com/index.php?topic=544.0I sure got a lot of heat from that thread especially from RW.


And, you certainly asked for it, too  :D

Have you adjusted those rules for yourself at all Maxx?

Offline Maxx2

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There are all sorts of pearls of wisdom throughout that thread and quite a bit of tongue-in-cheek humor too.


I don't think on subjects like that anymore.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 08:56:23 AM by Maxx2 »

Offline Maxx2

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And, you certainly asked for it, too  :D

Have you adjusted those rules for yourself at all Maxx?


Below was from 2005. I was still recovering from my PSTD PTSD. It took a few more years...


"I decided to step out and take the flack (If there is) and own up to this masterpiece."

Danack questioned #3

Quote
3)Sex: Every Russian woman knows she must take care of her man with his health need or she is grossly neglecting him. Don't complicate this. "Yah hachoo whatever" is all the Russian sweet talk you need to learn for your RW wife. Forget all the other details.


The "Don't complicate this." is the key words. If a beautiful woman is coming to you every night/day/afternoon/morning and giving you sex why not accept it as natural as her washing your socks  or brushing the lint off your jacket? Why introduce AW sexual politics in the bedroom by telling her that you are so greatful of her attention. Never let a woman think she has you under her sexual control. It is better that she is under your sexual control if she is so wired to be so. You are NOT responsible for her wiring either. If you complicate this you will eventually fail. In other words don't put yourself on the defensive.

Maxx


jb
  • I'm thinking your marriage experience has taught you some lessons that many of us haven't had to learn."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

jb was always the smartest guy here. In trying to shake this place up I came off looking like Trenchcoat. jb knew not get too serous about any this. But even in the most outrageous statements there is some truth.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 09:10:17 AM by Maxx2 »

Offline krimster2

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Maxx, you’ll forgive me I hope, but I see a distinction between your response and my own
yours is more of “standing your ground” in opposition to your partner’s rages
which if it were done to my wife would have lead to an escalation
mine is to completely ignore it and over time transform my wife’s life
into a new better world, where folks don’t have PTSD rages
it takes awhile to do this so you have to have great patience
bottom line, it REALLY does take two people to engage in a fight/argument
and if one of the people simply refuses to engage, then the result is there’s no fighting...
and because I ignore it, I don’t have any resentful feelings about being treated unfairly, etc...
with this process, she went from weekly rages to monthly to now maybe once per year
and they’re over with very quickly

money, I have to be realistic...
when I first met my wife, she didn’t know what a checkbook was
so I had to teach her financial management 101
with her own bank account and CC
over time, once I was confident of her ability I gave her control of our personal finances
we're full partners in almost everything we do together

Offline iolanik

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The post you made before this one you wrote "Never say Never" when it came to getting hooked up with RW.

It's probably on the old RWG forum. It got sold and people migrated here and elsewhere. Great forum but new owners took it in a different direction.

I lived in Aliamanu Crater on Ohau for three years. As a guest, I would not say something negative about Hawaiians but a wife who lives with you may point out the negatives from her perspective. In Hawaii, life is slow, and your people are really laid back. RW tend to move at a much faster pace and the extreme changes may have influence some bad behavior in your wife.

I've dated many RW and like night and day, they can have extreme differences in them. It seems things were not good match between you two. If you had found a good match, all those great things about RW you were told about may have come true.

Billy: THe quote I will Never deal with RWs again is a fact. When I said Never say Never, it was meant in the context of getting remarried. The "Never" with RWs is an absolute for me bc frankly, I do not have the wherewithall to deal with such cultural differences anymore at my age (52) 

Krimster made a statement about his wife being very materialistic and that he satisfies this. My personal issue is that I am NOT materialistic despite having the means to indulge in such trivial things.  The issue btwn me and her was not so much her materialism as it was her Hypocrisy and desire to "run" things, even though I was the sole "breadwinner" I am about mutual cooperation but I am not about being dictated to especially by someone who does not have personal accountability (to this day) This may sound one sided of course, but the ironic thing is my 16yo daughter continually clashes and butts heads with her mom bc of this very issue. *lol* I guess it's somewhat gratifying to me when my teenage daughter tells me the issues she has with her mom that are EXACTLY the same as the issues I had..the only difference now if that I can laugh about it.

Offline iolanik

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I still remember a joke from back in 2000 on the RWG board:

"How do you make a russian woman SCREAM in the bedroom?"

-WIPE YOUR DICK ON THE CURTAINS!
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 11:29:26 AM by iolanik »

Offline ML

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I still remember a joke from back in 2000 ont he RWG board:

"How do you make a russian woman SCREAM in the bedroom?"

-WIPE YOUR DICK ON THE CURTAINS!

When I was a young man, I came to realize just how terrible one man was.

A girlfriend of his had knitted him a sweater.
Later they broke up, but she kept trying to get back together with him.
So once he told her: "I finally found a use for that sweater you knitted for me.  I wiped my dick with it after screwing Betty."

I don't think there is a need to be this nasty to someone who has done you a kindness.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline iolanik

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When I was a young man, I came to realize just how terrible one man was.

A girlfriend of his had knitted him a sweater.
Later they broke up, but she kept trying to get back together with him.
So once he told her: "I finally found a use for that sweater you knitted for me.  I wiped my dick with it after screwing Betty."

I don't think there is a need to be this nasty to someone who has done you a kindness.

I don't understand the post. It's like psycho-analyzing the jokes from a comedy club and trying to derive some type of morality from each jib. A joke is a joke. Period.  This is like psychoanalyzing Eddie Murphy's gay jokes about Mr. T and Ricky Ricardo to determine the harm it has done in modern society in relation to LGBT relations on tv shows such as the A team and I Love Lucy. Geezuz
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 11:30:47 AM by iolanik »

Offline Boethius

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I suspect your "joke" just reminded ML of a story from his past.


Don't get your panties in a twist. :P


This post was composed without the aid of google.
To love someone means to see him as God intended him. - Fyodor Dostoevksy

Offline ML

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I suspect your "joke" just reminded ML of a story from his past.

Exactly right.

My 'true story' post had nothing to do with the prior 'joke,' except for the reminder to me.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

 

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