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Author Topic: Hello! New member here  (Read 1798 times)

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Offline Atlguy39

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Hello! New member here
« on: November 29, 2020, 06:44:27 PM »
I'm a year into the process of finding a Ukrainian woman.  I met one exactly a year ago on a regular Slavic dating site.  We've applied for a K-1 Visa and it should be approved soon.  I'm divorced and live in the Midwest (from the east coast originally) making it very difficult to meet someone.  After years of frustration, I decided to go overseas and chose Ukraine.  We've had many cultural challenges, which is why I'm here.  I'm hoping we can have a happy marriage  This is my own version of 90 Day Fiance!

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2020, 06:47:17 PM »
Welcome Atlguy39!

Congrat's on your upcoming nuptials. What are your concerns? Ask questions, chances are someone has an answer you'll like

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2020, 06:54:05 PM »
My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman.  She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually).  I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity.  She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way.  That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me.  She will need to trust me when she gets here.  Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible.  I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit.  I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  Its a bit overwhelming.

Offline Davo

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2020, 07:21:37 PM »
My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman.  She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually).  I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity.  She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way.  That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me.  She will need to trust me when she gets here.  Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible.  I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit.  I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  Its a bit overwhelming.

Welcome 🙂

Regarding her reaction to contributing financially.... One the dating sites I use (dmnotify) has a questionnaire to complete your profile. One question asks if a women is able to pay for herself. Despite a lot having great qualifications and some above average wages, none of them indicated they were able to or comfortable contributing financially during the dating, visa and settling in process.... That without question is the mans responsibility.

How long did you spend getting to know her in Ukraine? and is the father of her son in the picture?
« Last Edit: November 29, 2020, 07:27:50 PM by Davo »

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #4 on: November 29, 2020, 07:37:13 PM »
Davo, thanks for the response.  I've spent on everything which makes me wonder if I'm being taken advantage of, as if she's entitled.  In her defense, I know she barely gets by there, but is successful in supporting herself and her son with a professional job.  She also owns a condo.  I've paid for all of it.  I will continue to do so until she can work.  But I think she expects or expected to keep all her earnings for herself and me pay all the bills.  That will quickly end this if it's the case.  We need to talk more about it and are doing premarital counseling.

I've been to Ukraine, Spain, and Mexico with her.  Total of probably 20 days and we skype once a week and talk daily.  I hope I know enough.  Its not easy to get to know the true person from halfway across the world.  the dad is not in the picture and the son seems like a great kid.  I've bought him several gifts and he's always so appreciative.  I just don't want it to be an expectation all the time.  I'm giving them a better life and am not rich.  Nor do I want to buy a kid's love. 

Online BillyB

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #5 on: November 29, 2020, 08:09:50 PM »
This is my own version of 90 Day Fiance!



Is that a good thing or bad thing? Lots of drama in the show. Welcome to the forum.


  I've spent on everything which makes me wonder if I'm being taken advantage of, as if she's entitled.  In her defense, I know she barely gets by there, but is successful in supporting herself and her son with a professional job.  She also owns a condo.  I've paid for all of it.  I will continue to do so until she can work.  But I think she expects or expected to keep all her earnings for herself and me pay all the bills.  That will quickly end this if it's the case.  We need to talk more about it and are doing premarital counseling.



Why are you doing premarital counseling? When you are with her, in what ways is she contributing to the relationship?
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Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #6 on: November 29, 2020, 08:30:17 PM »
The premarital counseling is due to the cultural differences and a couple major issues we've had that haven't been easily solved.  I think its a positive so we can learn to communicate better.

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #7 on: November 29, 2020, 08:36:38 PM »
The premarital counseling is due to the cultural differences and a couple major issues we've had that haven't been easily solved.  I think its a positive so we can learn to communicate better.


I don't know what major issues you're trying to solve but regardless of cultural differences and language barriers, two good people make good things happen.
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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #8 on: November 29, 2020, 10:03:10 PM »
   She has a 14 year old boy....   I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  Its a bit overwhelming.
How does the child react to you and toward moving to a foreign country? It's really tough for a teenager [esp now] We have had friends with children and their biggest problem is the type of individuals that they chose as friends. What did you mean "You don't know how long"...for what specifically? & what city is she from?
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #9 on: November 29, 2020, 10:10:46 PM »
Davo, thanks for the response.  I've spent on everything which makes me wonder if I'm being taken advantage of, as if she's entitled.  In her defense, I know she barely gets by there, but is successful in supporting herself and her son with a professional job.  She also owns a condo.  I've paid for all of it.  I will continue to do so until she can work.  But I think she expects or expected to keep all her earnings for herself and me pay all the bills.  That will quickly end this if it's the case.  We need to talk more about it and are doing premarital counseling.

I've been to Ukraine, Spain, and Mexico with her.  Total of probably 20 days and we skype once a week and talk daily.  I hope I know enough.  Its not easy to get to know the true person from halfway across the world.  the dad is not in the picture and the son seems like a great kid.  I've bought him several gifts and he's always so appreciative.  I just don't want it to be an expectation all the time.  I'm giving them a better life and am not rich.  Nor do I want to buy a kid's love.
If you are having to have counseling at this stage then it doesnt bode well for the future.
From what you have written I suspect you already know what the future with this woman is likely to bring.
There is an expectation, culturally, that the man will provide. The attitude around finances, spending and saving is vastly different to the western norm so lower your expectations and make adjustments if you want a happy relationship.
You will have to compromise on a lot of things.
That being said, if she values the relationship she would want to contribute and make happy family.
However, if, as you have intimated, the signs are that you are going to be the sole provider, regardless of her earnings, then I would seriously consider if the relationship is going to have a stable foundation and worth pursuing.

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #10 on: November 29, 2020, 10:23:34 PM »
My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman.  She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually).  I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity.  She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way.  That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me.  She will need to trust me when she gets here.  Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible.  I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit.  I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  Its a bit overwhelming.
Hi Atlguy,   as difficult as the past few years have been for you, I'd have some serious concerns about bringing this lady over just yet.  It may not seem like it, but you have time and don't need to rush into things.   There are plenty of fish in the sea.  It is hard to say if you are setting yourself up for disappointment but I suspect you are setting yourself up for worse than just disappointment.   You have been astute enough to pick up on a few things about her, but don't expect her to change for the better.   Expect what you already seen, or worse.   She has a child so I believe you will be a very distant second fiddle.   

I don't mean to discourage you in any way, but you have time, there are lots of ladies out there from Russia, Ukraine, South America, Asia.   Is there something about this particular lady that you just can't live without?  Perhaps you want to roll the dice.   Looking in from the outside, I sense trouble for you.   

Fathertime! 
I just happened to be browsing about the internet....

Offline Steamer

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #11 on: November 29, 2020, 11:01:19 PM »
My biggest concerns include her being surprised I expect her to contribute to expenses despite her being a professional, educated woman.  She has a 14 year old boy and will be working (eventually).  I've also noticed a lack of compromise, stubbornness, and rigidity.  She likes to debate and there's been several misunderstandings along the way.  That said, I'm still committed to this, I just hope she softens up some and learns to trust me.  She will need to trust me when she gets here.  Of course, I'm also concerned about how to get her and her son adjusted as quickly and easily as possible.  I know it will take time for her to adjust and also to get a work permit.  I just don't know how long and sometimes I wonder if I'm setting myself up for disappointment.  Its a bit overwhelming.


Sounds like you're bumping into Slavic dating protocols. Remember she's trying to feel you out also. R/U women expect guys to pay for everything until you are married and if you push too hard for her to pay for things she will think that you are a cheap ass which is a big slam. R/U women have heads like a rock and are convinced that they know everything and whatever they don't know their girlfriends know. They know all about how things work in the US because they read a bunch of magazines or saw it on television. Just like we have heard horror stories about scam artists, they have heard stories about guys that want a slave to scrub floors and have sex.


I'm sure that she will cool out but it takes time. She's a bit hesitant about this whole thing as are you, when she knows that she can rely on you a lot of this behavior starts to fade. One other bit of advice: when ever you visit NEVER go with empty hands. Always have a gift for everyone, doesn't have to be expensive. In fact buy a bunch of extra gifts for the parents, kids or good old uncle Yosh. Never underestimate the importance of making a good impression on the family especially her mother. Women rule the soviet world and if you can win over MaMa you will have the strongest ally for your marriage. Your wife may not listen to you but mama will knock some sense into her head (if she likes you).


Your girl sounds VERY normal and I hope the best for you two.
Life ain't nothing but a poker game
And no two hands are quite the same
But I never saw a winner that didn't bet

Offline msmob

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2020, 05:34:04 AM »
Welcome to the forum, Atiguy39.

One thing that had me wondering.

Why do you only v.chat once  a week?

When apart we talk 3 or more times a day...

My time difference is much less than yours, but the lack of v.chat suggests a certain coolness on someone's part?


Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #13 on: November 30, 2020, 06:21:08 AM »
Thanks for all the replies! So the issues with her are my drinking (moderately) and some jealousy, which is uncalled for in my opinion, as I'm very respectful.  Both came up on our trip to Mexico.  Also, I don't want another divorce, so premarital counseling is just to help us come together and learn how to mold the cultures together and resolve issues.  The jealousy and drinking may or may not be discussed.  I'm already drinking less in preparation for this.  We're still likely 4 months away from her coming here given how slow everything is going, so pre-marital counseling will give me some answers.

I've told her I've got her and her son financially 100% until she starts working.  I just don't get the mentality of working and making good money and keeping it all for herself.  She calls herself "western" in her thinking, and yet I'm not seeing that.  Keeping all the money she makes for herself is very selfish (if thats her intent, I don't know) and I will not marry a woman who will do that.  I've told her I'm not rich and it takes 2 incomes.  She watches way too many YouTube videos on America and believes them. 

Her son will be a huge challenge, but I'm going to do everything I can do for him, including getting him extra tutoring for English.  He seems to understand it, but not comfortable speaking it.  His mother is fluent.  He's at the age where we he doesn't say much about moving, as if its way off in the future.  He's a typical procrastinating teenager, yet very respectful.  He also needs and wants a father figure.

Offline msmob

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #14 on: November 30, 2020, 07:53:32 AM »
Teenage boys of FSU Ma's can do no wrong ! ;)

My step-son  arrived here, drank my booze (without asking)  smoked like a trooper and got  caution from the Police within two months ..  THEN, I had to get his real Dad's permission to offer to send him back to Russia and serve in the army ...

He went on to get a good degree from Oxford, got British Citizenship and married a Japanese girl ...

It won't be easy ... but it will hopefully be worth it

Offline ML

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #15 on: November 30, 2020, 11:01:32 AM »
If you haven't already done so, read up on the extreme alcoholism problem in FSU.
Most of the women there have experienced this problem with the men in their lives and they certainly don't want to go through it with another man, anywhere.

Aside from that . . . I read your wording to my UW wife and she says . . . if the woman really does not plan to contribute her earnings to the family budget then . . . run, Forrest, run.
Winston Churchill.  The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Offline ML

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #16 on: November 30, 2020, 11:31:48 AM »
I'm divorced and live in the Midwest (from the east coast originally) making it very difficult to meet someone. 

Are you saying part of difficulty in meeting someone in Midwest is because you are from East coast originally?  Why So ?

Being divorced making it difficult to meet someone ?  Almost everyone is divorced, so . . . .
Winston Churchill.  The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2020, 11:52:40 AM »
I've told her I'm not rich and it takes 2 incomes.  She watches way too many YouTube videos on America and believes them. 



Because she believes some Youtube videos, are you expecting she will be disappointed when she comes live with you? Have you sent her photos of your city and photos of inside and outside your house or apartment? You also told her she needs to work since your income is not enough. Full disclosure now. There should be no excuse why your current living conditions and where you live should upset her.
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Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #18 on: November 30, 2020, 12:46:22 PM »
Are you saying part of difficulty in meeting someone in Midwest is because you are from East coast originally?  Why So ?

Being divorced making it difficult to meet someone ?  Almost everyone is divorced, so . . . .

Where I live is like a small town, though it has 1.3 million people.  Its like the Twilight Zone, seriously.  I have up dating here over a year ago.  Also, the pool from which to choose is small.  Its no bueno.  Ive also tried long distance and most women refuse, even if its a 2-3 hour drive.  So yeah...

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #19 on: November 30, 2020, 12:48:31 PM »

Because she believes some Youtube videos, are you expecting she will be disappointed when she comes live with you? Have you sent her photos of your city and photos of inside and outside your house or apartment? You also told her she needs to work since your income is not enough. Full disclosure now. There should be no excuse why your current living conditions and where you live should upset her.

Well, shes seen pictures of the outside of my house and likes it.  Shes seen parts of the inside.  Once I get it immaculate (soon), I will send her a full video.

Someone earlier asked about why not Skyping daily.  Well, its an 8 hour time difference and I have a full time job.  Only works on weekends.  But we do whatsapp texting and voice messages daily.

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #20 on: November 30, 2020, 02:40:07 PM »
Aside from that . . . I read your wording to my UW wife and she says . . . if the woman really does not plan to contribute her earnings to the family budget then . . . run, Forrest, run.

This, in spades.  It is typical in Ukrainian families to blend finances when married.  If she is telling you now that what you earn is hers, and what she earns is hers, you are in trouble.  You could also point out to her this isn't the "Western" mentality.  In a "Western" mentality, if finances are separate, the parties contribute amounts (anywhere from equal to proportionate based on earnings), to household expenses.  Tell her that, and see how she reacts.  If it's badly, in your shoes, I would drop her. 


Resolve all these things now.  Finances is the number 1 reason for divorce.


This post was composed without the aid of google.
« Last Edit: November 30, 2020, 02:44:42 PM by Boethius »
True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #21 on: November 30, 2020, 03:05:55 PM »
This, in spades.  It is typical in Ukrainian families to blend finances when married.  If she is telling you now that what you earn is hers, and what she earns is hers, you are in trouble.  You could also point out to her this isn't the "Western" mentality.  In a "Western" mentality, if finances are separate, the parties contribute amounts (anywhere from equal to proportionate based on earnings), to household expenses.  Tell her that, and see how she reacts.  If it's badly, in your shoes, I would drop her. 


Resolve all these things now.  Finances is the number 1 reason for divorce.


This post was composed without the aid of google.

Agree 1000%.  Im fortunate I have a female Russian friend here who is talking sense into her.  This woman moved here as a single mother when her son was 12.  Very similar to my situation.  She makes great money as a massage therapist.  My fianc has a Finance degree, so no excuse for her to keep all her earnings for herself once she gets a work permit.

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2020, 04:39:01 PM »
R/U women have heads like a rock and are convinced that they know everything and whatever they don't know their girlfriends know. 

This exactly! I've been told that I am a "not smart man" (she's afraid of saying stupid) several times and advice from her friends almost broke us up once.
What the heck is a preemptive pardon other than an admission of guilt? - Dan Rather

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #23 on: November 30, 2020, 04:50:29 PM »
This exactly! I've been told that I am a "not smart man" (she's afraid of saying stupid) several times and advice from her friends almost broke us up once.

OK, you guys are making me rethink this whole thing.  I think premarital counseling "should" flush some of this out and I'm hell bent on doing it.

Offline Boethius

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #24 on: November 30, 2020, 05:12:43 PM »
I am not certain counselling will help.  This is an issue of trust. 



True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery

 

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