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Author Topic: Hello! New member here  (Read 1812 times)

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Offline msmob

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #25 on: December 01, 2020, 01:23:09 AM »
Well, shes seen pictures of the outside of my house and likes it.  Shes seen parts of the inside.  Once I get it immaculate (soon), I will send her a full video.

I realise this is a factor of US immigration regs, but it it is nuts for a future partner not to see how / where you live, before marrying.

Someone earlier asked about why not Skyping daily.  Well, its an 8 hour time difference and I have a full time job.  Only works on weekends.  But we do whatsapp texting and voice messages daily.

It was me, and I stand by my assertion. We say, " good morning" and "good night", by V.chat.

I realise I am stamping my version of life, but a wife/fianc apart (to me) both want to communicate and see each other.

« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 08:24:45 AM by msmob »

Online 2tallbill

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Hello! New member here
« Reply #26 on: December 01, 2020, 06:53:37 AM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline fathertime

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #27 on: December 01, 2020, 07:58:43 AM »
OK, you guys are making me rethink this whole thing.  I think premarital counseling "should" flush some of this out and I'm hell bent on doing it.
Since we aren't talking about Oklahoma here, you are a hot commodity.  Keep that in mind throughout the process.  You don't need to be arrogant, but if you are aware that you have a lot of choices, perhaps you are more apt to make a decision based on your preferences, rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  It is a risk no matter what, trying to minimize the risk by weeding out obvious mismatches will save you years of upset and potential financial ruin. 

Fathertime! 
I just happened to be browsing about the internet....

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #28 on: December 01, 2020, 08:05:43 AM »
Since we aren't talking about Oklahoma here, you are a hot commodity.  Keep that in mind throughout the process.  You don't need to be arrogant, but if you are aware that you have a lot of choices, perhaps you are more apt to make a decision based on your preferences, rather than trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.  It is a risk no matter what, trying to minimize the risk by weeding out obvious mismatches will save you years of upset and potential financial ruin. 

Fathertime!

Ill tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country.  While I tend to prefer an educated woman, I think in this particular case it could backfire on me.  I love and more importantly understand Latin culture.  I dont understand Russian/Ukrainian culture and that has clearly bit me in the a*s and been the biggest challenge.  And yes, Oklahoma is a dating desert wasteland, hence me thinking outside the box.

Online japtats

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #29 on: December 01, 2020, 08:33:26 AM »
Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #30 on: December 01, 2020, 08:48:33 AM »
Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .

Not helpful.  Because Im not a millionaire, I cant make her happy? Good to know.  You dont know what I have.

Online japtats

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #31 on: December 01, 2020, 09:07:21 AM »
Not helpful.  Because I’m not a millionaire, I can’t make her happy? Good to know.  You don’t know what I have.


You are blaming her and trying to change her , she is finished , she won't mould to you . Find someone cheaper, this is all common sense . Why get with her if you two are already fighting. You need to rethink if she is right for you , I never said give up on women .
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 09:09:44 AM by japtats »

Offline msmob

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #32 on: December 01, 2020, 09:12:28 AM »
Quite

Online tfcrew

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #33 on: December 01, 2020, 09:15:29 AM »
Ill tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country.  While I tend to prefer an educated woman, I think in this particular case it could backfire on me.  I love and more importantly understand Latin culture.  I dont understand Russian/Ukrainian culture and that has clearly bit me in the a*s and been the biggest challenge.  And yes, Oklahoma is a dating desert wasteland, hence me thinking outside the box.
Quote
"Ill tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country."
What is it that you would ''have to do all over''? This isn't like Christmas shopping at Walmart.
In case you didn't know it...Latin America is already here.
After a year...if you still feel ''bit in the ass over the culture'' then maybe it's just not for you.
Find someone cheaper
Right. When the blind lead the blind...over a cliff they both go.
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~

Online japtats

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #34 on: December 01, 2020, 10:30:08 AM »
Some of you need to read the book love languages , OPs fiances love language is money , OP does not have money . Now you are trying to change a middle aged woman's love language, and you call me blind? Find someone who speaks a love language that you can abide to , really simple .
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 10:33:52 AM by japtats »

Online 2tallbill

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Hello! New member here
« Reply #35 on: December 01, 2020, 12:13:57 PM »
OK, you guys are making me rethink this whole thing.  I think premarital counseling "should" flush some of this out and I'm hell bent on doing it.

I don't know your situation except what you've posted here.
I assume you both have strong feelings and shared values
for/with each other otherwise you hopefully wouldn't have
started the K1 paperwork.

My view from afar is that you haven't done all the due diligence
and had all the necessary conversations yet.

The infrequency of your Skype conversations is alarming. If you
have lunch at noon that's 9pm in the East.

My questions are
1. How many meetings have you had? 
2. How many days have you spent together face to face?

Lastly, have you had a conversation about rules and discipline
for her son? What happens if he doesn't follow the rules? Or
pushes your boundaries? Have you already determined together
what will happen?

« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 12:17:34 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline Boethius

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #36 on: December 01, 2020, 12:37:19 PM »
The infrequency of your Skype conversations is alarming.

This.  I married before the collapse of the USSR, and we couldn't afford to phone each other often, but we both lived for those calls.  I'm surprised she doesn't want to touch base with you, at the very least, daily.


Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .


Money doesn't make people happy.  There are a lot of unhappy millionaires, even billionaires.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 12:43:24 PM by Boethius »
True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #37 on: December 01, 2020, 12:48:16 PM »
Some of you need to read the book love languages , OPs fiances love language is money , OP does not have money . Now you are trying to change a middle aged woman's love language, and you call me blind? Find someone who speaks a love language that you can abide to , really simple .

Do you hear yourself? Money isnt a love language!!! I dont live under a bridge.  I do very well, thank you.  Top 5% of earners in America.

That said, Ive been poor during the recession, and I just dont want to ever be unstable financially.  Im in a good position now, but I wont jeopardize that. 

We match on love languages.  Quality time and acts of service.  Of course those arent set in stone.  Quality time is, but the others vary.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 12:51:57 PM by Atlguy39 »

Offline Boethius

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #38 on: December 01, 2020, 12:52:45 PM »
I doubt money truly is the issue.  I think from her perspective, it is about trust - what if you start drinking, or beat her, or cheat on her?  She is in a new country, she doesn't know what sorts of skills she will have, or how she can escape.  That's probably why she wants the money she earns to be "her" money.  Or, she may want to stay, if her son is settled in the US, and she knows she will need her own money to survive.  I think that is probably what is behind her view, and it's because of what she sees around her.  She may have even heard horror stories of women married to foreigners.
True love begins when nothing is looked for in return.  Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #39 on: December 01, 2020, 01:30:25 PM »
I doubt money truly is the issue.  I think from her perspective, it is about trust - what if you start drinking, or beat her, or cheat on her?  She is in a new country, she doesn't know what sorts of skills she will have, or how she can escape.  That's probably why she wants the money she earns to be "her" money.  Or, she may want to stay, if her son is settled in the US, and she knows she will need her own money to survive.  I think that is probably what is behind her view, and it's because of what she sees around her.  She may have even heard horror stories of women married to foreigners.

I can see that point of view.  I work on the trust thing daily by being consistent, whether were together or not.  Shes also so direct Ive had to change how I interpret what she says.  I can take things personally.  This money question will be dealt with even if I have to bring it up in counseling myself, but I doubt I will have to.  Thats one of the dozen or so topics concerned in any premarital counseling.  She will have a decent nest egg when she sells her condo.  Its just odd to me.  She wants to reinvest in property here and I suggested to invest it for her sons college.  Theres a lot I can teach her if shes willing to listen.  I just have to be careful how I say things so she doesnt get defensive or argumentative. 

Online japtats

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #40 on: December 01, 2020, 01:45:51 PM »
Do you hear yourself? Money isn’t a love language!!! I don’t live under a bridge.  I do very well, thank you.  Top 5% of earners in America.


Do you even know her love language? Money is a love language, some people like a man to handle stuff, buy gifts etc . So you are top 5% earner, why do you care what she does with the money? In the end, if you two are going to be with each other for life, that money will be jointly yours, even in a divorce, you will get half of the millions she will stack away. Or do you not trust her spending?


Why did you choose countries where the salary is low, to find love? THere are many romeos in Russia/Ukraine, but not many can match your top 5% US salary, that is what you got. Now the dangled that in these coutnries, and want to remove the security from her?

After me, my fiance went with a guy in Russia, he told her on the first day, he will buy her a car, never need to cook, he will handle everything. He lied, she cheated on him, bit of a warning, if you push a FSUW to her limits , she will stab you in the back cleanly. Don't play games.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 01:48:03 PM by japtats »

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #41 on: December 01, 2020, 01:52:38 PM »
This.  I married before the collapse of the USSR, and we couldn't afford to phone each other often, but we both lived for those calls.  I'm surprised she doesn't want to touch base with you, at the very least, daily.


Agreed, when i was engaged, my fiance demanded we video chat everyday, even night before her exams. She was in the Top university in Russia, top 3 in her class to be a Dr, dominated the gym, and still found time. Unlike OP, at the time i was broke.




Money doesn't make people happy.  There are a lot of unhappy millionaires, even billionaires.
Agreed,but security makes people happy, up to a certain point. More is not better, but no security is no fun

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #42 on: December 01, 2020, 02:08:20 PM »
Do you even know her love language? Money is a love language, some people like a man to handle stuff, buy gifts etc . So you are top 5% earner, why do you care what she does with the money? In the end, if you two are going to be with each other for life, that money will be jointly yours, even in a divorce, you will get half of the millions she will stack away. Or do you not trust her spending?


Why did you choose countries where the salary is low, to find love? THere are many romeos in Russia/Ukraine, but not many can match your top 5% US salary, that is what you got. Now the dangled that in these coutnries, and want to remove the security from her?

After me, my fiance went with a guy in Russia, he told her on the first day, he will buy her a car, never need to cook, he will handle everything. He lied, she cheated on him, bit of a warning, if you push a FSUW to her limits , she will stab you in the back cleanly. Don't play games.

Youre confusing money with gifts.  Thats not her top love language.  I wanted to find a woman with better values who was serious about marriage and family.  I found her.  Its not perfect, but pretty great.  I just have to set expectations with her.  Ive told her many times Im not rich, but she knows I have a good job.  Those things are true. 

Also, I dont lie to her.  Ive told her I believe marriage is a partnership.  Not that I wont treat her well, but we will share household responsibilities and expenses.  I will bring her gifts and do other small things like date nights and things like that.  Neither of us expects extravagance and shes in fact a minimalist.  We both prefer experiences to stuff.  She only spends on beauty products because Ukrainian women are vain.  Thats fine.  Im also vain to a lesser degree.  So yeah, its been discussed, just needs more discussion.

Offline fathertime

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #43 on: December 01, 2020, 02:44:31 PM »
Ill tell you this...if I had to do it over again, I would choose a Latin American country.  While I tend to prefer an educated woman, I think in this particular case it could backfire on me.  I love and more importantly understand Latin culture.  I dont understand Russian/Ukrainian culture and that has clearly bit me in the a*s and been the biggest challenge.  And yes, Oklahoma is a dating desert wasteland, hence me thinking outside the box.
Currently you still have choices.  As the getting to know you phase continues it would be ok to change your mind.  Overall a foreign bride is a risk, but given your current situation it seems like a good one to take.  You should be a little careful though and if it were me, having a 14 year old boy (Stepson)  around the house is not a positive, even if he is a great kid.  What about having children of your own with your current lady (Or another) is that on the table? 

Your problem isn't Latin America or Russia, it is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
It seems that Atlguy, does have money although my experience is that not THAT much money is necessary.  In this particular case though with a child also involved costs are elevated.  Being broke isn't a recipe for success but having an adequate income is likely good.  That is completely dependent on the lady.  Some don't need nor want much at all really, others would need income of 500,000 yearly to be happy.   It will be up to the OP to determine where he and his lady are on this spectrum. 

Fathertime! 

I just happened to be browsing about the internet....

Offline ML

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #44 on: December 01, 2020, 03:15:37 PM »
I've told her I'm not rich and it takes 2 incomes.

 I do very well, thank you.  Top 5% of earners in America.


These two sentences you posted are inconsistent.
It does not take 2 incomes, if one income is that high.

You still may WANT for her to work and contribute toward expenses; but a top 5% earner does not NEED any help.

Rich is a different concept (in my books) referring more to accumulated Net Worth.
Winston Churchill.  The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.

Online tfcrew

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #45 on: December 01, 2020, 03:49:39 PM »
   I do very well, thank you.  Top 5% of earners in America.
These two sentences you posted are inconsistent.
It does not take 2 incomes, if one income is that high.
So it would seem. 
Your problem... is you don't have money to make this woman happy .
Gee there Japtats at $300K+ I don't agree with that at all.
That or somebody is shining us on.........
http://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/how-much-income-puts-you-top-1-5-10/
~There is no one more blind than those who refuse to see and none more deaf as those who will not listen~

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #46 on: December 01, 2020, 04:05:02 PM »
So it would seem.  Gee there Japtats at $300K+ I don't agree with that at all.
That or somebody is shining us on.........
http://www.investopedia.com/personal-finance/how-much-income-puts-you-top-1-5-10/

You called me blind. She is complaining, but you have it in your head everything is oky dokey. Listen to her, she is complaining, they are even in couple's therapy. He needs to make a choice , support her and the step child, and expect nothing financial in return, or find a new woman. She has set what she wants, now you want to put her through therapy, prescribe her some drugs, because she doesn't bend to his demands? Are you crazy?There are millions of women out there, this woman wants something he isn't delivering, if he doesn't want to deliver, leave her to someone else. instead of changing the lady.

I have no idea what he makes, nor do i care, all i am saying, she ain't happy, and he needs to change, or jump ship. He thinks she is the problem, but there is no problem, it is just they are a mismatch, so simple, expect most of you are trying to change people to bend to what you want.
« Last Edit: December 01, 2020, 04:09:35 PM by AnonMod »

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #47 on: December 01, 2020, 05:44:16 PM »
Currently you still have choices.  As the getting to know you phase continues it would be ok to change your mind.  Overall a foreign bride is a risk, but given your current situation it seems like a good one to take.  You should be a little careful though and if it were me, having a 14 year old boy (Stepson)  around the house is not a positive, even if he is a great kid.  What about having children of your own with your current lady (Or another) is that on the table? 
It seems that Atlguy, does have money although my experience is that not THAT much money is necessary.  In this particular case though with a child also involved costs are elevated.  Being broke isn't a recipe for success but having an adequate income is likely good.  That is completely dependent on the lady.  Some don't need nor want much at all really, others would need income of 500,000 yearly to be happy.   It will be up to the OP to determine where he and his lady are on this spectrum. 

Fathertime!

Valid points.  We can have a child together, but I'm in my early 50's, so I doubt we will.  I want to be a father figure.  This boy hasn't really had a dad and he'd like one.  Of course it won't be easy, but this is what I'm signing up for.  I have money, but I'm not rich.  There is a huge difference.  No, I don't make $500k a year, and I don't want a woman who expects me to pay for everything.  Thats what I have to flush out.  I just wish she'd said something earlier when I told her she needs to help.  She needs to help because I want her to.  If she doesn't and lets say it were to not work out, well, I'll never be able to retire.  these are things you think about when you've been through what I have and at my age.

Japtats, you sound very immature.  Premarital counseling is actually a GOOD thing.  I didn't do it in my first marriage and I'll be damned if I'll make that mistake again.  This will help us communicate.  For you to say I want to prescribe her drugs? She's not complaining, its a conversation.  Your point of view is severely flawed and not helpful.

Offline fathertime

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #48 on: December 01, 2020, 06:31:08 PM »
Valid points.  We can have a child together, but I'm in my early 50's, so I doubt we will.  I want to be a father figure.  This boy hasn't really had a dad and he'd like one. 
Early 50's isn't too old for a man to have a child.  If that is what you want/dream, you should really go for it, and clarify the lady is ok with it too during marriage counseling if you haven't already.   It isn't too late for you to go after what you really want.   Being honest with yourself and your current lady now will be key to getting what you want later! 

Fathertime! 
I just happened to be browsing about the internet....

Offline Atlguy39

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Re: Hello! New member here
« Reply #49 on: December 01, 2020, 07:29:08 PM »
Early 50's isn't too old for a man to have a child.  If that is what you want/dream, you should really go for it, and clarify the lady is ok with it too during marriage counseling if you haven't already.   It isn't too late for you to go after what you really want.   Being honest with yourself and your current lady now will be key to getting what you want later! 

Fathertime!

Thank you so much for saying this.  I would love to have my own and she is open to it.  She wasn't really at first, but as she got to know me said she'd have my child.  Its a hard decision to make for both of us since hers will be away at college in 4 years.  At the end of the day I really have to decide if its still worth it to me to have my own, just given my age.  I go back and forth with it.  She really is wonderful.  The only reason I'm here is to get help with the cultural differences/expectations and reconcile them.  I never expected it to be this challenging.  Good news is I have a Russian friend who is really helping me communicate what life is like here.  She came over with a 12 year old son 15 years ago and married an American man.  I think we will be around them a lot and they will introduce us to the small community here.  There is a slim chance I get a position in Atlanta, which surely has a larger community, I just don't know any Russian/Ukrainians in Atlanta like I do here.

 

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