She's bored, help!

[jinx13]

 Ok, my situation is a little different than most because I have a Ukrainian girlfriend not a fiance, she is not here on a K-1 visa or anything like that. She got her visa via the lottery, and she has a green card. We met here in California after a brief online friendship, and hit off great, been dating over a year, the entire time she has been in the U.S., Ok that's the basic background story, now here is the the problem (if you can call it that)

 She recently moved into my home with me, part out of neccessity (she quit a nanny job) and part because it's the next step in our relationship. So she's been here a month now, and for the most part we are both very happy, but she doesn't have a job yet, it's a new city for her, so no friends in the area...she's BORED! Not much for her to do while I'm at work all day, she does some housework, calls friends and family in Ukraine, she comes to my work, we have lunch, but I know she needs more and I feel a little helpless at the moment.

 I try to help her find a job, and she even works at my retail shop sometimes, but there's not a whole lot to do. I know taking some classes would be good but it's bad timing, she just got back from Ukraine after visiting family and all the fall classes started already. She doesn't need ESL, her English is very good, but she does want to get her Bachelors Degree, so we will work toward that in the Spring, but what to do now? I guess this isn't so much a RW/UW problem, but she does get sad and misses home (Sumy, Ukraine) when she has nothing to do, she feels a little bit worthless now I think, and I feel bad that I can't do more to help. Any suggestions?

[Michelangelo]

It really depends upon her personality, but here are a few ideas:

~ Get a part time job at a local church for Mom's Day Out.  It will help her decide if she wants children 

~ Join a movie club and watch lots of movies;

~ Better yet, watch the History Channel and be entertained AND learn history;

~ Get a library card and read lots of great books.

Good luck, Jinx

[KenC]

First of all order Russian TV from Directv.  They offer a nice package with Ukrainian MTV.  Then find out which classes she will register for in the next semisester and buy the text books for some pre-study.  Next make a list of museums, historical or interesting sites for her to visit while your at work.  Don't forget to include some natural parks or beaches. 

The best thing you can do is give me an interesting project to pass the time until the next semester begins.  A good example might be having her do some "secrete shopping" at your competitor's stores.  You could even pay her a few bucks, it will help you to know what your competition is doing during this critical season, and will make her feel useful.  With Thanksgiving next week, I am sure you will need some extra help at the stores any way.  If you don't get her involved with you at work, she is going to be very lonely until after Christmas. 
KenC

[viking]

Jinx

Any kind of volunteer work around? I'm sure there are plenty of places that could use help especially around the holidays. Might actually make her feel better about herself helping other less fortunate. Not to mention some community work goes a long way in making new friends.

What are her hobbies? Any ad hoc classes or clubs she can join?

[Kuna]

Any kind of volunteer work around? I'm sure there are plenty of places that could use help especially around the holidays. Might actually make her feel better about herself helping other less fortunate. Not to mention some community work goes a long way in making new friends.

Jinx,

Like Viking, I would think volunteer work would be a great idea. She would do something that is valuable, and there's nothing better than the sense of fulfillment you feel when you know you've helped someone.

I'd suggest she contact local hospitals or nursing homes for the elderly, they always appreciate external exposure.  Depending on your town there could be children's charities too. 

Depending on her personality,  she could kick off her own little project to help those less fortunate back home (like the orphans in Ukraine).

Step 1: Decide on the field she is interested in, research it, get some stats, have a clear picture of the goals;
Step 2: Write the plan... really put some substance into it;
Step 3: Fund raising activities.  Could be anything... government grants, corporate sponsorship, making something that can be sold to raise money, arranging a fundraising event (could be a BBQ or a more formal dinner thing); Keep the goals modest so she can have a win though!
Step 4: DO IT!
Step 5: You take an interest in her project and celebrate her wins!

She would be aware of the needs in her local community back home and I'm sure she will feel fulfilled and and happier if she could do something who's facing a tougher time than her.

Just a thought...

Kuna

[jinx13]

 Thanks for the replies so far, some really good ideas, I especially like this idea from KenC

A good example might be having her do some "secrete shopping" at your competitor's stores.  You could even pay her a few bucks, it will help you to know what your competition is doing during this critical season, and will make her feel useful.

That's a good one, and yes she is helping me with my shop, her accent is kind of difficult for some people to understand though, and my retail niche is billiards and gameroom furniture, so it requires a lot of knowledge of the products, but she does help. Spying my competition is brilliant KenC, thanks for that.

 I don't think she's really the volunteer type    Not to stereotype but she is Ukrainian, and she loves the almighty dollar 

[SANDRO43]

Isn't she into billiards at all ? A lot of FSUW list that as one of their hobbies.

[Jet]

I don't think she's really the volunteer type    Not to stereotype but she is Ukrainian, and she loves the almighty dollar 

For you single guys that suggested this, don't be too shocked if the women in your future have the same attitude.
While each woman is an individual, my wife was also completely against this idea, as have been most other RW we personally know.

[Rim]

For you single guys that suggested this, don't be too shocked if the women in your future have the same attitude.
While each woman is an individual, my wife was also completely against this idea, as have been most other RW we personally know.

That's been the case in my limited experience too.

[Kuna]

For you single guys that suggested this, don't be too shocked if the women in your future have the same attitude.
While each woman is an individual, my wife was also completely against this idea, as have been most other RW we personally know.

Hmmm...  when I saw Jinx's post I was going to ask the question but thought it might have been too much of a generalisation.

I guess it depends what sort of charity activities are undertaken but doing "stuff" like this is definitely a part of my life.

I would hope (and imagine) the charity balls/black tie dinners would get the thumbs up.  Some of the other stuff I do like hosting (M.C.) at dinners and corporate events would hopefully still be OK.

I know some of the direct work with patients/sufferers isn't to some people's liking... but I'd be very interested to hear other people's opinion.

Is the (potential) problem related to giving away money/time or is there something more fundamental that I'm not aware of?

Kuna

[jinx13]

 Kuna,

  I am not going to speak for all FSU women, but my g/f definately wants to get paid for ANYTHING she does.    I don't think volunteering is part of the Russian culture, but I have no info to back that up.

 She does have some hobbies, she likes to make stuff from beads, and that kept her busy for awhile, but I think she got tired of it. It's tough for me because this is the crazy time of year in my business, so I'm trying to get ready for that, but she has a lot of needs right now too.
 
 She did get a VERY part time job working for a photo studio, today she worked only 2 hours, but she did meet a cool girl she liked, maybe she made a friend. There are many Russians in the area, but most are older and married. She is 21, so it would be nice if she met someone close to her own age that she can speak Russian with. Anyone know any younger Russian girls in the S.F. East Bay?

[RussianGal]

Anyone know any younger Russian girls in the S.F. East Bay?

She may find young girls here. It`s a Russian meet up in SF.
I attend meetings like that in my area and it`s fun. People who go there are not all Russians, but also US students who learn Russian at school and need practice.

There is also a Russian Center in SF with a festival coming in February.

[jinx13]

 Thanks for the links Russian Gal, especially the 'meetup' one. I will tell Nataly about it, I didn't see anybody near our area, but maybe there is. San Francisco has many Russians, but we live in a suburb of the city, the Bay Area is huge with many surrounding cities, I was hoping she could find Russian friends in our area, but most seem to live in the bigger cities.

 She doesn't have a car at the moment (we are looking) so that is a problem too. Even when she does find a car, she will not drive on the freeway, she refuses!    I guess it's a little scary for her, she is terrified of big trucks, she thinks they all want to kill her or something. Thanks though, I appreciate your help.  - David

[ConnerVT]

Babies always seem to keep people from being bored...      

[jinx13]

 Ohhhhh, don't say that Conner    She would freak out if she read it, seems to be her biggest fear lately. She is only 21, so I can't blame her, she has a lot of things to accomplish first, namely getting her Bachelor's degree.

[Daknack]

My experiance and in dealing with young women, is if they are bored, they will be cheating on you in no time.  It is very good that you recognized the problem and are taking steps to keep it at a minimum.  My advice is to spend extra time with her.  Whatever you normally do stop doing it.  Find new and different things to do (at least change it up a little).  Go a few new places.  Think of it as a learning and growing expericance for yourself.  TV and movies are nice, but they dont entertain that long.  Get thee to a few new activities.  If a womans bored, shes going to look for guys that keep her "not bored" if you get my meaning. 

[BillyB]

Jinx,

Keep communicating with your gal to find what interests her. Just make sure she doesn't get bored with you. Maybe you should, on the weekend, without telling her, take her for a long drive outside the city to a scenic spot or romantic place. Rent a room and stay over the weekend. Just something different that surprises her and relieves any stress she may be going through.

[calcowboy1]

Hey there Jinx,

Is she bored with you? or the living/environment situation?

If she is bored with you, then it's time to up the romance, however from what I have seen once a girl get's bored with her mate, it is pretty much game over

If she is bored with the living/environment situation, this is tough because at the end of the day, us arm chair QB's really do not know the whole situation (at least enough to give real guidance).  We can offer some ideas, and, I think it is time to sit down with her and get her thinking about what she wants to do with her life.  Most ladies, even at her age in either Russia or Ukraine have a very clear direction in their life because it is a necessity (ie. helping out the family unit or going to school full time).  If she is having a hard time thinking about what she wants to do with her life (i.e. there are just too many choices), then start walking through career ideas. 

I believe having her do some menial tasks for your store isn't going to help her.  From what you are saying, and reading between the lines, she needs a direction in her life, a purpose in her life.  When you say she misses the Ukraine, I believe what she is saying is "I miss that time when I knew where I was going and I looked forward to the future".  She is lost right now and you need to help her find her "own" way. 

Just my 2 cents
Calcowboy

[jinx13]

 Hey guys,  thanks for the input.  Just to clarify, she is NOT bored with me, she wants to be with me all the time, the problem is I need to work, this is my busy time of year. She is just in a new city now that she lives with me, and doesn't have any friends nearby.

 BillyB, Dacknak, I have been trying to go the extra mile and keep it fun, we went to the 'International Auto Show' in San Francisco yesterday on my day off, lots of cool cars, and today she went with me to pick up some pool tables from a Sacramento warehouse, so it's been ok lately, but I hope she finds some work soon.

 calcowboy1, you are right on the money as far as her finding her own way, and a direction in life. You are wrong about her reasons for missing Ukraine though, she didn't have a clear future there either, just finish university, and then who knows what. She misses it because her parents took care of her, and she didn't feel like she has to 'grow up' so fast. I'm trying to take care of her too, but I can't keep her entertained all the time, so the boredom thing is the main problem. The holidays are here now, so hopefully there will be plenty for her to do, i'm going to let her decorate my two shops next week, that should be fun 

[vwrw]

I believe what she is saying is "I miss that time when I knew where I was going and I looked forward to the future".  She is lost right now and you need to help her find her "own" way. 

I am absolutely agreed. I have noticed the hardest time is coming after one has fulfilled his/her priority goals. One of the best ways to feel better in the time period is increasing physical activities (dancing lessons, fitness and so on). Any amusements are only painkillers they will not heal problem.
Jinx, maybe she didn't have a clear future in Ukraine but she had clear purposes.
You really need to help her to find a new purpose in her life. Otherwise, if she has not found the new purpose during about 6 months she may make a step back to one of her fulfilled purposes. I hope she will not come back to search for an American man again.  

[jinx13]

vwrw,

 There is a lot of truth to what you speak. She did 'fulfil her purpose' in that she moved to the U.S., it was a dream of hers for a long time, and yeah she did meet a great American guy 

 I think it's true with anybody when you complete one of your goals there is a bit of a letdown because this was your focus for so long, you have to step back and think, what do I do now?

 She still has many goals, she left Ukraine one year before finishing University so now her main goal is to complete her education in America, and along the way she has smaller goals...get a car (that doesn't fall apart) get a good job, and make some new friends in her new city. Maybe another goal of hers is to get me to marry, but I think she has slowed a little on that one, I told her there is no hurry, despite pressure from her family and friends, we should take our time, and make sure it's right.

 My main goal, and purpose for the time being is to make it through the holiday's in one piece, then in January I can stop and think about the future, it seems soo far away! 

[Kuna]

My main goal, and purpose for the time being is to make it through the holiday's in one piece, then in January I can stop and think about the future, it seems soo far away! 

Hmmm... I try to not give advice when it comes to "those with the beautiful accents" but...  When it comes to generic female gender issues I feel like I'm expeienced enough to share some "stuff"...

I wouldn't make the "main goal" or the "purpose for the time being" to make it through the holidays in one piece.

I've been in a situation before where I thought I had to get the ducks lined up before I could address relationship "stuff" and before I could get the damn ducks lined up the relationship was gone.

Make the main goal "Balance, mutual fulfillment, happiness and harmony."

(I know you do...  but it's more important that she knows those are your main goals)

Business is demanding, but it's much less demanding than the rerquirements for a happy relationship.

Kuna

[Vaughn]

I'm thinking a cute puppy would chase away her blues....

[START2]

Let's see. Moved to a new and exciting city and country. After a few months, she's bored. Finds her a new boyfriend, moves in with him thinking that will stop the boredom and a short time later is still bored. Now the pressure is on you to relieve that boredom. Has a few desires, they get fullfilled very quickly and that doesn't help either. She may have a womans body but head is still a teenager. Hope you have lots of patience. She's high maintenance and you ain't mom or dad. I think your still young enough to help her grow up. Soon you'll be telling yourself and then telling her how much you do for her and why she doesn't appreciate it. You can flame me now but apologize later and I'll say "yeah, I know". Happy trails.

[SANDRO43]

Jinx13, I did not want to butt in though your situation sounded vaguely familiar, but START2's post sort of pushed me into it.

I'll be brief. When I was 22 I fell for a 15 y.o. (a generation's difference). Got engaged, married her at my 26, divorced at my 33. I was always the one expected to come up with new ideas, stimuli  and entertainment for both of us. I accepted the role initially, then gradually got fed up with the lack of cooperation and initiative. Post mortem : a rather empty and passive subject.

I hope your situation is radically different. I realised afterwards that I should have divorced much earlier, rather than wait for her to develop into a more acceptable life partner.