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Author Topic: Some Russian Humor  (Read 3055 times)

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Offline Mir

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Some Russian Humor
« on: December 14, 2006, 02:22:18 PM »
"Can you spare some change?" a beggar asks a passerby.
"No, I know you’re going to spend it all on vodka."
"No, sir, I don’t drink."
"Then you’ll gamble it away."
"No, I don’t gamble either, sir."
"Well then, you’re going to spend it on women."
"No, sir, I don’t spend money on women."
"Okay," the passerby finally agrees, finally. "I’m going to give you 100 rubles, if you come with me. I want to show my wife an example of what can happen to a man who has no bad habits."

A woman goes to confession:
"I’m so sinful, father!" she says.
"Tell me about your sins, daughter."
"Every time I look in the mirror I think, ‘I’m so beautiful, I’m so beautiful…’".
"Go in peace," the priest says. "It is no sin, my daughter, it is a delusion."

"Who is this handsome man?" the little boy asks his mother, pointing at the picture of an athletic young man with a full head of dark, wavy hair.
"That’s your father," his mother says.
"Then who is that fat, bald man who lives with us?"

A tourist in Moscow asks a well-endowed woman who’s standing near a hotel entrance, "Do you speak English?"
"A little," she says, smiling.
"How little?" he asks.
"Two hundred dollars…".

Two young women are talking.
"I’m going to marry a man I fall in love with."
"Me too, if I don’t find anything better."

"Honey," she says, "after our marriage I’ll share with you all your troubles and problems."
"But, dear," he replies, "I don’t have any."
"But we’re not married yet," she says.

A Russian and an American die and they both go to hell. Satan asks them, "Which hell do you prefer, the Russian or American?"
"What’s the difference?" the Russian asks.
"In the American hell, you will be forced to eat one bucket of waste every day; in the Russian, two," Satan explains.
The American decides to go to the American hell. The Russian, being a patriot, chooses the Russian hell.
One year later the two men run into one another. "How’s life?" the Russian asks.
"Can’t complain," the American answers. "I eat one bucket of waste every morning, and then I’m free for the rest of the day. What about you?"
"It couldn’t be better!" the Russian explains. "Just like back on earth! They’re either late with waste deliveries, or they’re having bucket shortages."

One New Russian says to another: "I went to the Bolshoy Theater yesterday; I had so much fun!"
"Watching an opera!? How is that?"
"Our hockey players beat the Canadians in the final game!"
"In a theater?"
"No, I was watching TV in the theater’s snack bar."

A client asks the waitress, "Is your vodka fresh tonight?
"What do you mean ‘fresh’, sir?"
"Well, last week I had three bottles here and I was sick the whole day next day…".

After having a few drinks, two friends are talking outside a bar:
"I know an address where we can have a corking good time tonight," says one. "There are two girls. One of them is really good-looking. She’s mine. The second one… well, after you get few more shots of vodka into you, you’ll find her acceptable."
"Okay, let’s go," agrees the other.
The friends arrive at their destination. The doors open, and there they see two young women, just waiting for them. The less fortunate friend pauses to look at the women, then turns to his friend and says, rather skeptically, "It’s not going to work, buddy. I can’t drink that much!"

"Last time I came home, I was so drunk my own children didn’t recognize me."
"What happened after you sobered up?"
"Well, once I was sober enough, I realized I was in the wrong house."

Offline Mir

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And a Ukrainian joke
« Reply #1 on: December 14, 2006, 02:27:51 PM »
An Ukrainian died and was sent to hell. He walked through an isle accompanied by a demon on duty and saw bowls with boiling oil. Above one of the bowls there was a sign which read "Jews." Next to that bowl three demons held watch. Above the other bowl, there was a sign which read, "Ukrainians." There were no guards at that bowl.

"Why do you guard the Jews?"

The demon answered, "Because if one of them manages to clamber out, he at once lends a hand to others."

"But why no guards at the Ukrainians?"

"No need. If one of them manages to scramble up, the others at once pull him back down."

Offline groovlstk

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Re: And a Ukrainian joke
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2006, 05:12:33 PM »
"But why no guards at the Ukrainians?"

"No need. If one of them manages to scramble up, the others at once pull him back down."


Man, someone stole that from Jet, it's the same as his 'crabs in a bucket' analogy! :)

Offline Turboguy

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #3 on: December 14, 2006, 06:25:58 PM »
"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady -- and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

Offline Mir

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2006, 11:01:42 PM »
Groov

Most jokes are stolen from here and there and reproduced with slight change.I have been told this one by people of various struggling nations!

Offline acrzybear

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #5 on: December 15, 2006, 12:38:22 AM »

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

Actually I remember hearing this in one of Johhny Carsons shows during his last divorce, I believe it went

"I've decided I'm not going to remarry, I'm just going to find a beautiful woman and buy her a house"

Here's a joke I heard a few years a go

WHat's the big difference between America and Russia?

In America you can always find the party, but in Russia the party will always find you!!

Thank you folks I'm here until the 18th, then I will be taking my show to Europe.
Necessitas dat ingenium

Offline ScottinCrimea

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #6 on: December 15, 2006, 07:55:08 AM »
Here's one I'm sure a lot of guys here can relate to:

Why are divorces so expensive?  Because they're worth it!

Offline Gator

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #7 on: December 15, 2006, 12:07:36 PM »
You guys sure do have old jokes. 

Country music has some following in the FSU.  And some Ruskies are writing songs.  Here are the translated top 12 songs for 2006:


> 12. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do
> Miss Him.
>
> 11. It's Hard to Kiss the Lips At Night That Chewed My
> Ass All Day.
>
> 10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
>
> 9. I Liked You Better Before I Got to Know You So
> Well.
>
> 8. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
>
>
> 7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm
> Afraid She'd Win.
>
> 6. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon
> Tonight.
>
> 5. I'm So Miserable without you, It's like You're
> Still Here.
>
> 4. If I Had Shot You When I First wanted To, I'd Be
> Out Of Prison By now.
>
> 3. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine.
>
> 2. She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger.
>
> And the number 1 Country Song is:
>
> 1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women    But
> I've Sure Woke Up With a Few

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2006, 03:12:56 PM »
Quote
7. I Wouldn't take her to a Dog Fight 'Cause I'm
> Afraid She'd Win.
Actually that is a rewrite of an oldy as well. I know I've used it.
Only I used to say "I wouldn't take her to a dog fight if she were defending champion!!"
Quote
1. I Ain't Never Gone to Bed with Ugly Women    But
> I've Sure Woke Up With a Few
I've also used this one over the years on occaision as well!! So yours ain't so new either Bubba!!! ;D
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Classy Ladies for Discerning Gentlemen

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Dyin' is easy, it's livin' thats hard!!!

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2006, 03:18:11 PM »
This one may not be Russian, I donno, but I laughed my a$$ off!!!

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.



Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check!
Tver Angels Local and International Introductions
Classy Ladies for Discerning Gentlemen

RVR-Canadian Cowboy
Dyin' is easy, it's livin' thats hard!!!

Offline Phil dAmore

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2006, 01:25:00 AM »
10. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.


This is also the title of an old Jimmy Buffett song.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will avoid you.-- Winston Churchill

Offline Gator

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #11 on: December 16, 2006, 07:28:59 AM »
Quotes from men living in Russia

Quote
This is also the title of an old Jimmy Buffett song.

Quote
So yours ain't so new either Bubba!!!


Break my bubble - the Ruskies have been copying old Canadian and American country songs!

Since I bored you, please send me your email via PM and I will send you something hilarious - a recording.  It is not sexy, but too large to post (3.10 MB).  Hopefully you have not heard it - it is a recording of a homeowner turning the table against a telemarketer.  Very clever.  You sit in Russia and probably ask, "What is a telemarketer?"

Offline ScottinCrimea

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2006, 08:10:17 AM »
What is the difference between making love to a prostitute, a RW and an AW?

The prostitute says, "faster! faster!"

The RW says, "slower! slower!"

The AW says, "Beige..... I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Offline jz

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2006, 08:17:22 AM »

"Who is this handsome man?" the little boy asks his mother, pointing at the picture of an athletic young man with a full head of dark, wavy hair.
"That’s your father," his mother says.
"Then who is that fat, bald man who lives with us?"

That's funny

Offline Rvrwind

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2006, 09:05:33 AM »
Subject: HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE FORGIVEN YOUR ENEMIES?

Toward the end of the service, the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
About 80% held up their hands.
The minister then repeated the question and all responded by raising their hands except one small, elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?", the minister asked.
"I don't have any", she replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is indeed unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight" she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, would you come down front and tell the congregation how a person can live for ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, smiled sweetly and said,
"I outlived the b!tches."
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Offline Gator

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THIS IS A GOOD ONE
« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2006, 08:05:10 AM »
New Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where
a woman may go to choose a husband.  Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but she cannot go back down except to exit the building !

So, a woman goes to the Store to find a husband.  On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

Not too impressed she proceeds to the next floor. The sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

She keeps going. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.  She goes to the fourth floor :

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes
to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads :

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store
just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and are frugal.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Offline Bruno

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #16 on: December 22, 2006, 12:43:19 PM »
A Soviet newspaper reports over the Chernobyl incident :

"Last night the Chernobyl Nuclear Powerstation fulfilled the 'Five Year Plan' of heat energy generation in 4 microseconds."

Offline Stirlitz

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Re: Some Russian Humor
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2006, 01:19:36 AM »
A little boy is crying. When asked why he says that he should have been a good boy and listened to his mother better; she told him not to visit bawdy places because he would see something terrible there.

“So, what did you see there?”

“Father!”
Igor Kalinin
Ukraine Guide Interpreter

 

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