Any suggestions on guiding this guy?

[Zhena]

What I can't understand is that you write that Ellen knew what he was like before she decided to come to US as his finance! If true then she should have expected all this.
Question is what compels such women to develop a relationship with such men?
And on top of that she let herself become pregnant by him...........

Mir,lets be fair,he wasnt responsible enough and made her pregnant(dont ask me how,I dont know). As for me,its kinda ubnormal that the adult people cant use a contraception,but we have what we have. Yes she was wrong to come to him and she regrets alot now. She didnt know he will be SO bad. I suppose shes not sincere completely and probably got pregnant purposely. Yes I said to her many times -its your fault,were you blind? She wanted in america...too sad. Too much punishment for her,even if she wasnt sincere in her intentions.

[Zhena]

If she can ( I mean if she can to get a divorse now) she should run back to Kiev as soon as posible
 I don't belive that things could be worse in Kiev for her  than in alien country with SUCH a huband who would be able "to chain" her to himself with Americans laws after baby arrived

Elen,any aviacompany wont take her with a such a term of pregnancy. At second,what will she do without money,place to stay and parents in Kiev,being very pregnant?

[Mir]

Zhena

I repeat that I am not suggesting that she deserves what she gets.
I am just baffled at how some women let themselves be abused.

[Muj]

Mir, she's dependent on him.  What can she do?  Please advise.

[Zhena]

Yeah the purpose of this topic actually was-what can she do to protect herself while shes totally dependent?

[Mir]

Muj

What can she do now is not for me to answer.I don't know what she has for support.I presume she has nothing to return to in Ukraine for if she has people who care for here there then she should go there.
I hope she can get the best possible outcome from this hopeless position.

Her case would act as warning to other FSU women. If you know that the Western man after you as an AHole then don't place your life in his hand.

So are there any safe shelters where she is for women who are victims of domestic violence?

[BC]

I think it would be best to try and meet the couple if possible to get a better idea of the true dynamics in their relationship.  Remember we are talking very early stages of adjustment add a child on the way and emotions are probably quite 'wacky' to say the least.

If that is not possible, I think Elen needs to decide whether or not she wants to continue in her relationship.

All we really see here is a small slice of the pie.

Ok the guy is a scrooge and jealous, but has not raised his hand.  Even the mobile call Muj describes might be within envelope parameters depending on how much she divulged her external communications.  The fact that he did do his AOS homework is positive imho. 

I lean towards giving benefit of doubt at this point, after all 'white knights' do not abound - that's reality.

[Muj]

Mir,  you have good points.  She has nothing to return to in UA is a reason.  Maybe many women already know but are willing to bear some short term mental abuse for a life in "the land of opportunity."

[Muj]

I think it would be best to try and meet the couple if possible to get a better idea of the true dynamics in their relationship.  Remember we are talking very early stages of adjustment add a child on the way and emotions are probably quite 'wacky' to say the least.

If that is not possible, I think Elen needs to decide whether or not she wants to continue in her relationship.

All we really see here is a small slice of the pie.

Ok the guy is a scrooge and jealous, but has not raised his hand.  Even the mobile call Muj describes might be within envelope parameters depending on how much she divulged her external communications.  The fact that he did do his AOS homework is positive imho. 

I lean towards giving benefit of doubt at this point, after all 'white knights' do not abound - that's reality.

BC, I lean more towards your assessment.  We see very little and the adjustment for him and her proves drastic.  I tried too engage him in conversation but was not successful.  I tried to bring him on the phone when Elen called but she skirts the issue.  Another problem is trying to approach the couple on the other side of the country.

[William3rd]

Hmmm- a husband forcing his wife to commit acts of fraud-an offense that without the abuser exception could get her removed from the US. Oh sure- I am ready to give him the benefit of doubt. OJ and Michael, too.

[BC]

Hmmm- a husband forcing his wife to commit acts of fraud-an offense that without the abuser exception could get her removed from the US. Oh sure- I am ready to give him the benefit of doubt. OJ and Michael, too.

William,

I do see your point but other than providing Elen with information to make a decision or seek professional assistance there probably isn't much we can do.  BTW did the broschure mentioned in IMBRA ever get published?  Might be something Muj can pass on somehow. Maybe you can pm Muj and provide a number to some local legal advisor?


Muj,

Across the country... hmm..  How did your wife and Elen meet up anyway?  Maybe seeking local support or a RW contact in her area would be better in the long run.

[William3rd]

Right on the mark, BC. That is all we can do. She should seek help in her area.

Again- I feel sorry for the child that is coming from this union. I just cant see any good things here.

[Muj]

The guy is extremely cheap and Elen has no way of paying on her own.  She receives her medical care but yes he should pay.  Some more ideas on her alternatives now available.

[Elen]

Muj
Her case would act as warning to other FSU women. If you know that the Western man after you as an AHole then don't place your life in his hand.

Her case is more typical than you can imagine and teaches nothing those who keep in mind only moving abroad forgotting that ANYTING has its price  еще никому не удавалось влесть на елку с голой ж и не уколоть её )

Elen,any aviacompany wont take her with a such a term of pregnancy. At second,what will she do without money,place to stay and parents in Kiev,being very pregnant?

 I don't know what week she is on with her pregnancy but still don't believe that she is a poor orphan who sold her flat back in Ukraine and now really has nothing to return to )
If it's only nothing in Kiev than it's NOT an "excuse" at all - parents do live in some place where other people do live as well ( including single moms)  but where some girls can't live for "some reasons  )

 If it's late already then all she can do is give a birth and some how decide how to manage her life with a man she fully depends on, who is a father of her child ( so has the same rights on her child) , who hardly would change his stingy hubbits and who she hardly would fall in love with to be able to close eyes on his "hubbits" - all those things which had been thought by herself loooong before she decided to move abroad. Nobody here could give her advices - TOO late
NOw her first worry should be not about her poor thing but about her child who she "owes" normal life but not what she prepared. For me it would be better to put her pride-ambitions-hopes for American paradice - whatever there is else in well known "place" and return to parents

 As for advice about how to deal with perfect American health care system if she has not money  - then I pass - it's a topic for specialists

[Rvrwind]

No matter how you look at it, this is a train wreck.
My own opinion is this dirtball needs to grow up & accept the responsibility he has taken on, not expect others to do it for him. She should also take some responsibility for her acceptance of this situation. Force him one way or the other to be a f***ing man & quit diddling hmself.
Good thing he's your friend & not mine cause I wouldn't hesitate to give the SOB an earfull. She would also get a lecture on her stupidity in marrying a man she hardly knew. Both of them need to sit down & come to some kind of agreement & Cowboy Up or this is headed for major disaster in one form or another.
The biggest problem is the child who gets to grow up in a majorly disfunctional family from the get go. Not a pretty future for him/her.

[ScottinCrimea]

What I don't understand is how she is receiving free medical care.  It's my understanding that the sponsor is responsible for repaying any government benefits received by his wife/fiance.  From what I read, she is claiming that she is not married, probably not even mentioning her husband's name so he won't be implicated.  But I think ultimately, unless she is giving false information about herself, she will be traced back to her sponsor and he will be held responsible for the costs.  At that point she can also be charged with fraud.  If that leads to deportation, her husband might prevent her from taking her child.  Her husband could potentially hold all of this over her head.  She needs to provide all information about herself to the clinic so she is safe from deportation.  then when she gets her green card in about a month, she will have a lot of options.  If any abuse occurs because of her being honest with the clinic, she has that option.

[jb]

Scott,

The Sponsorship, i.e., the Affidavit of Support, is filed at the Federal level.  Most welfare is doled out at the local level or by the individual State.  There is a big disconnect between the Federal and local WRT who pays for what.  If they ever get their act together, then guys like this nutcase will be screwed, but for the most part, the State and local governments are not even aware that the Affidavit of Support exists.

[DKMM]

Ahh so the guy is a Russian.  That makes sense.  Sorry but 1st generation Russians have a very big stereotype here of this kind of behavior so its not surprising at all.  Right down to trying to scam the system.  I'm 100% certain he will want her to apply for welfare too after the child is born.

You have to think of the child 1st and foremost.  Moving back to the UA is the worst thing you could do to the child.

[Elen]

You have to think of the child 1st and foremost.  Moving back to the UA is the worst thing you could do to the child.

That's so if the better future for a child is mesured by only "money"  In that particular case even that benefit of life in America is under very doubt as well.

[Mir]

You have to think of the child 1st and foremost.  Moving back to the UA is the worst thing you could do to the child

Why?

[acrzybear]

Scott,

The Sponsorship, i.e., the Affidavit of Support, is filed at the Federal level.  Most welfare is doled out at the local level or by the individual State.  There is a big disconnect between the Federal and local WRT who pays for what.  If they ever get their act together, then guys like this nutcase will be screwed, but for the most part, the State and local governments are not even aware that the Affidavit of Support exists.

They may be aware of it, but in today's politically correct society local governments have a policy of "don't ask, don't tell".  They can't ask you if you are a U.S citizen or even if you are here legally, and if they even suspect they (local governments) have enacted regulations forbidding them from informing the federal government.   

[Zhena]

What I don't understand is how she is receiving free medical care.  It's my understanding that the sponsor is responsible for repaying any government benefits received by his wife/fiance.  From what I read, she is claiming that she is not married, probably not even mentioning her husband's name so he won't be implicated.  But I think ultimately, unless she is giving false information about herself, she will be traced back to her sponsor and he will be held responsible for the costs.  At that point she can also be charged with fraud.  If that leads to deportation, her husband might prevent her from taking her child.  Her husband could potentially hold all of this over her head.  She needs to provide all information about herself to the clinic so she is safe from deportation.  then when she gets her green card in about a month, she will have a lot of options.  If any abuse occurs because of her being honest with the clinic, she has that option.

She didnt take his name. Before she went to a free clinic,she got some lab tests and ultrasound in a normal clinic-and got the bills about $2000 on HER name. He is not going to pay them. She cant force him and as we found out,he wont be punished in any way if he doesnt pay. If she doesnt pay,it will spoil her future credit history.
If shes gonna being honest with the clinic,they wont give her any service anymore,and she afraids that. She has to give a birth during the next month. She also said they cant find out her marital status cos she didnt give her SSN to them,so they cant check. Is that true?

[Zhena]

Ahh so the guy is a Russian.  That makes sense.  Sorry but 1st generation Russians have a very big stereotype here of this kind of behavior so its not surprising at all.  Right down to trying to scam the system.  I'm 100% certain he will want her to apply for welfare too after the child is born.

You have to think of the child 1st and foremost.  Moving back to the UA is the worst thing you could do to the child.

The guy is american.

[Zhena]

They may be aware of it, but in today's politically correct society local governments have a policy of "don't ask, don't tell".  They can't ask you if you are a U.S citizen or even if you are here legally, and if they even suspect they (local governments) have enacted regulations forbidding them from informing the federal government.   

I am schoked by american laws,seriously...

[DKMM]

That's so if the better future for a child is mesured by only "money"  In that particular case even that benefit of life in America is under very doubt as well.

You know this how?

Why?

I wouldn't expect non-Americans to quite grasp how life here is better for a single mother and her offspring than in the Ukraine.

Zhenna,

He may be an "American" by citizenship but he's a 1st generation russian so I read earlier in the post.  His behavior matches that I've seen in Russian-Americans here in my own community.

Her credit won't be ruined at all, they don't have her SSN (she even has one?).

As for the laws, the idea here is to protect the little guy.  We don't have a strong authoritorian government willing to sacrifice the few to benefit the mainstream.  Instead our system prefers to burden the able to help the "less fortunate" in all situations.  Not saying I agree with it either but that's the general idea.