So, You've Been to the FSU... Rate Your Experience!

[groovlstk]

Things have been a little tense here so I decided to have a little fun, feel free to add to this! For each question, award yourself points for each experience (or, where appropriate, subtract points) during your trips to Russia or Ukraine. FWIW, I scored an 11 thanks to many minuses

1. You stayed in an apartment rather than a Western-style hotel (+1).
Bonus: You managed to open the numbered, multiple push-button lock at your building's entrance w/out your g/f's help (+1 if you did it in the dark, +2 if you managed it after 200ml of vodka or a bushel of Baltika).

2. You had a babushka living in the apartment next to yours who always seemed to be waiting at her door whenever you arrived or left your flat (-2).
Bonus: Babushka chewed you out for making too much noise or for reasons unknown (-1). Babushka chewed out your g/f when she visited your flat (-1). Your g/f threw it right back at babushka (+2).

3. You were scolded for forgetting to remove your shoes upon entering your flat (-1).
Bonus: You forgot to remove your shoes at your g/f's flat (-2). You forgot to remove your shoes at your gf's mom's flat (-4).

4. You took marshrutkas rather than taxis (+1).
Bonus: You took marshrutkas alone, without your g/f or interpreter (+2) You sat behind the marshrutka driver and successfully passed fares between the driver and passengers (+1). You sat on one of the bolted-on lateral seats and spent the drive swaying sideways like a Hare Krishna every time the vehicle slowed or accelerated. The backache was free and so was the barked shin from the exiting drunk, so here's a point (+1).

5. Your rented flat's bookshelf contained a bust of Lenin or some other Soviet-era figure (+1).

6. You (willingly or unwillingly) bought a manpurse (-1).

7. Your flat's bathtub didn't have a shower curtain so during your first shower you soaked the bathroom floor (-1).
Bonus: You used the single, tiny threadbare towel in the bathroom to dry the floor and thus had to air-dry yourself (-2).

8. Russian toilet paper. Enough said (+3).
Bonus: You toughed it out and didn't buy Western-style TP later in your stay (+2).

9. You bought something at the market and weren't quite sure what it was... but you ate it anyway and it wasn't half bad (+2).

10. You avoided McDonald's or any Western chain restaurants during your stay and ate only local foods, and a good portion of your meals contained mayonnaise (+3).
Bonus: Can you now discern between different brands of mayonnaise? If yes? (+2) Veggies came from her parents' or grandma's dacha (+2).

11. You survived an in-country flight using a domestic carrier (+2).
Bonus: You shared vodka with a stranger on your flight (+1). You were up and rummaging through the overhead bin before the plane finished taxiing, just like the other passengers (+1).

12. Your g/f owns at least one leopard-skin design article of clothing, be it miniskirt, hat, slacks, boots, etc. (+1).

13. You successfully endured 30 minutes of watching an atrocious Latin American soap opera in your gf's flat in hopes of a "payoff" in the aftermath (+1).
Bonus: The "payoff" was 30 minutes of Dom 2 (-2).

14. You found yourself flirting with a customs agent and realizing the odds of your wanting to do the same in your own country were right up there with winning the Irish Sweeps (+1).

15. Was that really a cat you saw walking around an international airport (+1)?

POST YOUR RESULTS BELOW

[KenC]

Groov,
I came in at +5.  Do I get extra credit for getting my honey a DVR for her Russan TV so she can record her South American soaps?
KenC

[ScottinCrimea]

I scored a +23, but that's not saying much considering I live here.  Still, I think I should get extra points for all the times I have had to sit through Dom 2.  That darned show must be on 24 hours a day here!  It's all about people with no life watching people having screwed up lives.  I have to arm wrestle my wife's daughter to get the remote away from her so we can watch something more educational like "The Nanny".  BTW, has anyone seen the Russian version of Married...With Children?  They use the same plot lines with only a few cultural twists and I swear the guy who plays Al Bundy is a perfect Russian version of him.  It's hilarious!

[Kuna]

I scored +11...  but was surprised I didn't lose points for being happy and whistling inside of the apartment.  Sheeesh... they really don't like that do they?   :selfharm:

[Voyageur]

I got a + 6. Since I have been there multiple times, I just considered my first trip to see my wife. 

[groovlstk]

Ken, I'm guessing the higher a guy's score, the more time he's spent single in the FSU  And those Latin American soaps crack me up, they're so melodramatic.

I had to subtract points due to being razzed by babushki throughout my travels. For some reason RWD guys seem to have mostly benign encounters with old women in Russia or Ukraine. But outside of the families of the women I've met and women selling stuff in markets, I've had mostly bad experiences--babushki can be downright nasty to foreigners.

Scott, my wife is a huge Dom 2 fan. I can't stand it but I've told her to call me to the PC (she watches it online) whenever that volatile chick is on screen. I love when she gets pissed at her boyfriend and the camera follows her room-to-room as she goes on a rampage, knocking over bookcases, sofas, punching her unsuspecting housemates at random - life with a Russian woman can be many things, but never boring!

[Bruno]

Only +9...

Do you give bonus for guys who have make the trip in bus ( 4 day long )...

What about taking a tram with a Russia loosing control of his living pig...

Maybe more bonus if you make mayonaise yourself 

For the minus, no one... but after my first trip, i have always take Belgium toilet paper and coffee with me...

[ScottinCrimea]

What got my wife's attention was the transexual

[timothe]

I made some changes as it applied to my own situation.  This was really fun, groov. 

1. You stayed in her apartment rather than a Western-style hotel so you could spend quality domestic time with g/f and daughter (+2).  You slept on the already broken hide-a-bed and wrecked your back.  (-1).
2. You  initially endured her mother living in the apartment next to yours who called and visited constantly.  (+3).  (clean clothes and a babysitter 24/7 = some good.)
Bonus: Talked to the landlord when the neighbors complained about the noise. (-2). Then the police. (-4). Then the ladyfriend who broke down in tears because she was embarrassed by the episode. (-6).

3. Bonus: You forgot to remove your shoes at your g/f's flat (-2). You placed the suitcase on the hide-a-bed after it had been on the dirty floor. (-4).   Twice.  (-6).

4. You took buses rather than taxis (+1). Bonus: You took buses alone, without your g/f or interpreter (+2) You sat behind the mini-bus driver and successfully passed fares between the driver and passengers (+3). You shopped for groceries with the 10yr old daughter using only the bus because g/f was sick (+4).

5. You recognized the large tapestry/throw rug hanging on the wall from a garage sale (+2).

6. You stood your groud and didn't buy a manpurse (+2).

7. Your flat's bathtub didn't have a shower curtain so during your first shower you soaked the bathroom floor (-1).
Bonus: You used the single, tiny threadbare towel in the bathroom to dry the floor and thus had to air-dry yourself (-2).   You spent 30 minutes drying yourself in the bathtub to prevent the g/f from yelling about water on the bathroom floor (+2). 

8. Russian toilet paper. Enough said (+3).
Bonus: You toughed it out and didn't buy Western-style TP later in your stay (+2).  (I simply can't improve on this observation.)

9. You bought something at the market and weren't quite sure what it was... but you ate it anyway and it wasn't half bad (+2). You bought something at the market that you were sure was feasted on by flies and other varied insects and you ate it (+5). 

10. You had to have a Big Mac after days of unfamiliar food so you conned the g/f to take a family trip to the local Mickey D's (-2). Bonus: Went to aunt's dacha with g/f's family for big family celebration highlighted by shashlik which tasted mostly like gas (+4).

11. You survived an in-country flight using a domestic carrier (+2).
Bonus: You took the train to/from your g/f's home city  (+2).  You didn't travel first class.  (+5).   

12. Your g/f owns at least one leopard-skin design article of clothing, be it miniskirt, hat, slacks, boots, etc. (+1).  (I love it!!!)

13. You successfully endured 2 hours of watching Harry Potter dubbed in Russian in your gf's flat in hopes of a "payoff" in the aftermath (+1).
Bonus: You fell asleep before the payoff (-3).

14. You found yourself flirting with a customs agent and realizing the odds of your wanting to do the same in your own country were right up there with winning the Irish Sweeps (+1).

15. Was that really a cat you saw walking around an international airport (+1)?
Bonus: Was your g/f's daughter actually feeding scraps from her restaurant meal to the dog that resided under the table? (+1).  Did you pet the dog? (+2).

My adjusted score was 21. 

[I/O]

1. You stayed in an apartment rather than a Western-style hotel (+1).
Bonus: You managed to open the numbered, multiple push-button lock at your building's entrance w/out your g/f's help (+1 if you did it in the dark, +2 if you managed it after 200ml of vodka or a bushel of Baltika).
Got me 2 out of this one (1+1)
2. You had a babushka living in the apartment next to yours who always seemed to be waiting at her door whenever you arrived or left your flat (-2).
Bonus: Babushka chewed you out for making too much noise or for reasons unknown (-1). Babushka chewed out your g/f when she visited your flat (-1). Your g/f threw it right back at babushka (+2).
0 Here, no dramas with the residents
3. You were scolded for forgetting to remove your shoes upon entering your flat (-1).
Bonus: You forgot to remove your shoes at your g/f's flat (-2). You forgot to remove your shoes at your gf's mom's flat (-4).
0 Here, removing shoes is standard paractice for me, do I get a point for being smart enough to tuck fabric scuffs in my pocket thus not having to wonder about in socks?
4. You took marshrutkas rather than taxis (+1).
Bonus: You took marshrutkas alone, without your g/f or interpreter (+2) You sat behind the marshrutka driver and successfully passed fares between the driver and passengers (+1). You sat on one of the bolted-on lateral seats and spent the drive swaying sideways like a Hare Krishna every time the vehicle slowed or accelerated. The backache was free and so was the barked shin from the exiting drunk, so here's a point (+1).
I get a 5 out of this one, but not without a few hairy moments
5. Your rented flat's bookshelf contained a bust of Lenin or some other Soviet-era figure (+1).
1 point here
6. You (willingly or unwillingly) bought a manpurse (-1).
No so a 0 here
7. Your flat's bathtub didn't have a shower curtain so during your first shower you soaked the bathroom floor (-1).
Bonus: You used the single, tiny threadbare towel in the bathroom to dry the floor and thus had to air-dry yourself (-2).
Didn't fall for this so no losses here, do I get a point for fixing the plumbing in the kitchen sink?
8. Russian toilet paper. Enough said (+3).
Bonus: You toughed it out and didn't buy Western-style TP later in your stay (+2).
5 points here.  Ya bunch of whimps.
9. You bought something at the market and weren't quite sure what it was... but you ate it anyway and it wasn't half bad (+2).
2 points here
10. You avoided McDonald's or any Western chain restaurants during your stay and ate only local foods, and a good portion of your meals contained mayonnaise (+3).
Bonus: Can you now discern between different brands of mayonnaise? If yes? (+2) Veggies came from her parents' or grandma's dacha (+2).
Got 5 out of this one, no veggies from the dacha
11. You survived an in-country flight using a domestic carrier (+2).
Bonus: You shared vodka with a stranger on your flight (+1). You were up and rummaging through the overhead bin before the plane finished taxiing, just like the other passengers (+1).
3 points here, no vodka whilst flying.
12. Your g/f owns at least one leopard-skin design article of clothing, be it miniskirt, hat, slacks, boots, etc. (+1).
0 here, she hates that stuff
13. You successfully endured 30 minutes of watching an atrocious Latin American soap opera in your gf's flat in hopes of a "payoff" in the aftermath (+1).
Bonus: The "payoff" was 30 minutes of Dom 2 (-2).
0 here, her and her family are very kind to me
14. You found yourself flirting with a customs agent and realizing the odds of your wanting to do the same in your own country were right up there with winning the Irish Sweeps (+1).
0 here, thats dumb
15. Was that really a cat you saw walking around an international airport (+1)?
0 here, no cats.

I think that makes 23 if I don't claim any bonus points.  On the Babushka subject, I can only speak well of those known to me and unknown. 

A short anecdote: Arrived in Novosibirsk international on the last trip and they had changed the immigration card just very slightly.  My carefully memorised (from previous trips) version was not going to fill all the right spaces.  She may have been the cleaner, she may have been something else, but as I was standing at a desk scratching in my phrase book/dictionary for the correct words, she appeared from nowhere. 

Mother hen if ever I saw one. (60 ish and rather round) Rattled of a few words in Russian and grabbed my passport and the card, completed it within about 15 seconds and directed me to sign it. Nodded and just hinted a "Oh you poor bloody dumb foreigner" smile.  Fortunately, very fortunately I had, at the last minute before leaving here, bought a small selection of singularly wrapped wild flowers with Au flags attached.  All very small and I had them in my carry on bag.  Geez what luck.  I pulled out one, thanked her and presented her with that.  Man o Life...!!  I was taken proudly by the arm and all the poor Russians were swept aside in her barrage of verbality as I was presented first in line at the immigration desk. I doubt the immigration officer would have dared to question any aspect of my documents. Mother hen was glaring firmly at the poor officer and then bade me farewell when all was completed.

Me thinks I got a friend for life.  She sure as hell has.

I/O

[viking]

Hey Groove

I came in with a +12. I will try and look for the cat on the next trip. Does bringing home a dog count for anything?

Viking

[catzenmouse]

Hey Groove

I came in with a +12. I will try and look for the cat on the next trip. Does bringing home a dog count for anything?

Viking

Not unless you marry her...

Ken

[Kuna]

Not unless you marry her...

Ken

 

[TwoBitBandit]

Having made many trips, I got +17.

In the airport in Volgograd, I made friends with two cats.  When bad weather intersected with Aeroflot's incompetence, I ended up spending FOURTEEN friggin' hours there.  They both came running whenever they saw me and the people who worked in the airport found the sight of a foreigner petting two cats while sitting on the floor of the airport quite amusing.

If I can get +1 for each cat, then I really get +18.  (And that's not including the cats I saw at the airports in Odessa and Omsk...)

[ScottinCrimea]

Do I get any points for the rat I saw wandering through the Moscow airport in broad daylight?  Or should I have points deducted for not feasting on a lunch of rat shashlik?

[I/O]

Do I get any points for the rat I saw wandering through the Moscow airport in broad daylight?  Or should I have points deducted for not feasting on a lunch of rat shashlik?

Scott:  Either way I reckon you should get a point for that.

I/O

[jb]

I didn't bother to tote up my score because I can't count that high, but the funniest cats I ever saw in Russia were the ones hanging around the kitchen at the Gazprom company dining hall one winter.  It was bitter cold and they had to deal with it.  In typical clever Russian cat fashion, they would sit on outdoor lighting fixtures to keep their fannies warm.

What's up with Russian cats?  It appears Russia has a separate race of super cats.

[viking]

Well Ken.....I can say her love is unconditional, never asks for anything, pretty low maintenance, gives great if not sloppy kisses, never talks back, but man does she keep a sloppy house!!! 

[Bruno]

In typical clever Russian "cat" fashion,...

About Russian fashion and cat... seem that some cat was not clever enough