Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation In South
Dakota Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or
Mild.

Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught The Old
Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The Winter Was
Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe
That The Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The
Village Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.

Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He Went To
The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And Asked, "is The
Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?" "It Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be
Quite Cold," The Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even More Firewood In
Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "Does It still
Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?" "Yes," The Man At National
Weather Service Again Replied, "It's Going To Be A Very Cold Winter." The
Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To Collect Every Scrap
Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service Again. "Are You
Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very Cold?" Absolutely," The
Man Replied. "It's Looking More and More Like It Is Going To Be One Of The
Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen.

"How Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.
The Weatherman Replied,

"The Indians Are Collecting Firewood Like Crazy."

[acrzybear]

I was a tribal cop for several years and one day I was patrolling along the out skirts of the reservation when a saw a car on the side of the road with the hood up and smoke coming from the compartment. I stopped and talked to the driver to offer assistance, he was amazed that I had gotten there so quick since the car had just died.

  He asked how I knew where to find him since we were in a remote area and I replied "well where there's smoke, there's engine trouble"


Anther situation

I was at the scene of an accident and the fire department had already left when I noticed  a severed toe sitting on the side of the road, well I was a rookie at that time and couldn't think of what to do so I called a toe truck.


Thank you folks I'm here all week.

[Mamma D]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his
English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he
rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a
divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?

Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?

All my relations still in Poland.

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?

No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?

No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?

She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?

I got proof.

What kind of proof?

Ready?

really ready?

 

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put

on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover".

 

 

[acrzybear]

At a southern university, students in the psychology class were attending their first class on  emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“sadness” said the student


“and the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Okalahoma.

“Elation,”  she said


“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, ”what about the opposite if woe?”

The Texan replied, ”Sir, I believe that would be ’giddy up’.”

[BC]

Neologisms

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologisms, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[ConnerVT]

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:


•If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
•If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
•If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
•If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
•If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
•If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
•If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
•If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
•If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
•If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
•If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
•If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

[ConnerVT]

An old man lived in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad........

A few days later he received a letter from his son.......

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the bodies.
Love Bubba....

At 4 A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.....

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Bubba....

[ConnerVT]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

[2tallbill]

DEAR ABBY
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.
What's worse? Everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago; he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and BS's with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of The United States. Act like one!

[BillyB]

Is this the thread for romantic poetry?

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[2tallbill]

A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the
Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or
colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life.

If you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase
Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination
Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.

Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated. If you don't have
five friends, you're already infected with WORK and it is controlling your life.

[2tallbill]

******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********
******Warning very corny joke alert********

Pregnant Lady
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting
with her mother in the doctors office.
 
She inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."
 
With big eyes, she asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."
 
Then the little girl with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."
 
With even a more surprised and shocked look she said, "Then why
in the world did you eat him?"

[2tallbill]

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, goes to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

 

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.   

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.   

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[2tallbill]

are they coming??

[2tallbill]

Great philosophical minds wonder.......

[2tallbill]

sorry, it's a little late for halloween jokes........

[2tallbill]

Caption Contest

Winner gets a certificate of comedy (suitable for framing)

[2tallbill]

I will post the photo in a new thread as well.

[2tallbill]

my personal preferences

[2tallbill]

Not Santa but...............

[2tallbill]

can you see?

[2tallbill]

State of Mind

[2tallbill]

Your idea...........

[Rvrwind]

1967 vs 2007

This is being sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it... 
 
1967: Long hair 
2007: Longing for hair 
 
1967: KEG   
2007: EKG   
 
1967: Acid rock 
2007: Acid reflux 
 
1967: Moving to California because it's cool 
2007: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 
 
1967: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor   
 
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 
 
1967: Seeds and stems 
2007: Roughage   
 
1967: Hoping for a BMW 
2007: Hoping for a BM 
 
1967: Going to a new, hip joint 
2007: Receiving a new hip joint 
 
1967: Rolling Stones 
2007: Kidney Stones 
 
1967: Being called into the principal's office   
2007: Calling the principal's office 
 
1967: Disco   
2007: Costco   
 
1967: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 
 
1967: Passing the drivers' test 
2007: Passing the vision test   
 
1967: Whatever 
2007: Depends   
 
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things... 
 
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987. 
 
They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff. 
 
Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 
 
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic. 
 
The CD was introduced the year they were born. 
 
They have always had an answering machine. 
 
They have always had cable. 

They cannot fathom not having a remote control. 
 
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show. 
 
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave. 

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws. 
 
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are. 
 
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 
 
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?" 
 
"I'd walk a mile for a Camel" or "de plane, Boss, de plane" 
 
They do not care who shot J. R. And have no idea who J. R. Even is. 

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers. 
 
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter. 
 
Do you feel old yet? Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading.

[2tallbill]

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."