Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

What could go wrong?

[2tallbill]

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?

Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?

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There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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 Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
 Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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 What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older;  then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.

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I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use.
Toothpicks?

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?

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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

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As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

[2tallbill]

I think very few would deny that women are not more complicated than man.

[2tallbill]

A very adept man can read subtle body language changes in a woman for example...........

[2tallbill]

This was in the Washington Post... the title of the article was "Best

Come Back Line Ever."


In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white

male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.



On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was

charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and

public intoxication.



The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his

way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know

how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around

for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a

telephone interview.



Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole

in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into

it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.



In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an

approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until officer

Brenda Taylor approached him.



"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor.

"I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."


Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached

Lawrence .


"I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a

pumpkin?"


He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he

looked me straight in the face and said...


"A pumpkin? Shit...is it midnight already?"

[2tallbill]

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:

Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!"

[2tallbill]

Priceless

[2tallbill]

Blonde moment

[2tallbill]

Adult dog stores

[2tallbill]

Multiple uses

[2tallbill]

24 hours in a day

[2tallbill]

be careful what you wish for

[2tallbill]

same joke told slightly differently

[2tallbill]

never mind

[2tallbill]

lower standards

[2tallbill]

Men and women often think about different things.......

[2tallbill]

male brain

[Lily]

to the famous age topic

[2tallbill]

Driving test

[2tallbill]

Did you get her number? or was it simply wishfull thinking?

[2tallbill]

The evidence keeps stacking up about global warming!

[2tallbill]

You would not believe all the things I said I would do on this day!
.
.
..
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.

[2tallbill]

There is nothing like a nice relaxing day wind surfing to take your mind off of lifes problems.............

[2tallbill]

How do these people survive?

01. Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the
menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12
Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager
at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have
six, nine, or twelve," was the reply . "So I can't
order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six
McNuggets

02. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just
a few items and the lady behind me put her things on
the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and
placed it between our things so they wouldn't get
mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she
picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the
bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar
code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I
said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll
buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the
things and left. She had no clue to what had just
happened.

03. A lady at work was seen putting a credit card
into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she
was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM
"thingy."

04. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping
beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She
replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to
this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my
car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant
convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing
it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and
manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a
long walk."

05. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none
too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a
secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took her
last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

06. I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a
large motor home was towed into the garage. The front
of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in
"Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He
told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.

07. My neighbor works in the operations department
in the central office of a large bank. Employees in
the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one
of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got
smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys
have a fire downtown?"

08. Police in Radnor , Pa. interrogated a suspect by
placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it
with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's
lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed
the copy button each time they thought the suspect
wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector"
was working, the suspect confessed.

09. A mother calls 911 very worried asking the
dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the
emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The
dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and
it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him
some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to
emergency room!

I doubt these are true stories but who knows truth is often stranger than fiction.

[2tallbill]

Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs, were sitting on a park bench

having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.


The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.



Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.


But Tillie, being older and more feeble,


couldn't reach that far...