Time for some Humor!!

[2tallbill]

Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled."Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

[2tallbill]

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
John admitted that, well, yes, he did.
She said, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"
Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $100?"
She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes... he did give me $100."
"Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."

[2tallbill]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crаp on it's head."

[2tallbill]

Two guys walking through the desert, and they happen upon a hole that they can't see the bottom of. So one says to the other, "Let's see how deep it goes."

So they pick up a small rock, and toss it in. No sound. So they get a really big rock, heft it over to the hole, and toss it in. Again, no sound.

So they come across a railroad tie. Now I don't know if any of you have ever been up close and personal with a railroad tie, but they're huge. Anyway, so they toss it down the hole.

And then, out of nowhere a goat comes running and jumps in the hole! "Wow. That was really weird," one says to the other.

A short time later a desert farmer (he grows sand or something) comes walking up and says, "Have you guys seen my goat?"

"Oh, no," says one guy. "It was really strange. I don't know how to tell you this, sir, but your goat just came running out of nowhere and jumped in this hole."

"But that's impossible," says the farmer. "I had him tied to a railroad tie!"

[2tallbill]

Three men, an Englishman, a frenchman and an american, are walking along a beach together one day. They see a lantern and a genie pops out of it saying,'i will give each of you one wish.'
'Oh boy,' says the yank. 'I want me a pick-up truck.'
In the blink of a genie's eye, a brand new pick-up truck appears before them,with a gold plated grill, alligator-hide seats and flames down the sides.
The frenchman, amazed, says, 'i want a wall around france, so no-one can enter our country.'
Suddenly, a huge fall appears around the frenchman's precious country. The englishman says,'i'm curious. tell me more about this wall.' 'well,' the genie explains, 'it goes all around france, its about 150ft high and about 50ft thick, and nothing can get in or out.'
'Right,' says the englishman. 'i want to fill it up with water.'

[2tallbill]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled,
"Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[2tallbill]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would be appropriate - not to romantic, and not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing
for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

[2tallbill]

Crazy Bear Don't read this joke!!

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in.
I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?" he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS

[2tallbill]

When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[2tallbill]

Knock On Effect Of Northern Rock



The knock-on effect from the US sub-prime fiasco is being severely felt in the Japanese market and shows no sign of letting up.



In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut back some of its branches.



Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and more than likely will go for a song.

Today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose- dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank also got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank and staff fear they may get a raw deal.



Just thought you ought to know!

[2tallbill]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the side walk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

[2tallbill]

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

 

[2tallbill]

*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*
*warning. a joke in a really bad taste below*


A woman could not get her husband to have sex with her so she went to a sex therapist and asked him to help her out. "Doctor," she said, "what can you give me to get my husband to have sex with me?"
"Try these," said the doctor, "they are called horny pills."
So the woman takes the pills and puts one in her husbands coffee the next day. That night they finally have sex. she like it so much that the next morning, she put two of the pills in his coffee. that day he came home for lunch and they had sex. the next day she just pours the whole bottle into his coffee...
About ten o'clock that morning the doctor gets a phone call, it's a litlle boy asking what horny pills are for…
"Horny pills, why?", says the doctor.
"Well, mommy's dead, sister's crying, my butt hurts and daddy's outside going 'here kitty, kitty, kitty!'"

[2tallbill]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blond replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[2tallbill]

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fu*k herself!"

[2tallbill]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

[2tallbill]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

[2tallbill]

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

[2tallbill]

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

[2tallbill]

the pointer sisters use this service........

[catzenmouse]

This one is especially for Simoni 'cause I know how much he loves his techno-gadgets! 

http://www.flixxy.com/sumsing-turbo-3000-cellphone.htm

[Simoni]

Thanks, Catz!  I love that model and I gotta have it!  It has three features my iphone does not have! 

I could have used the self-destruct function at least twice last week.

[2tallbill]

Men and women think differently.............

[acrzybear]

I might have already posted these







And this is how radar is run in Texas

[2tallbill]

Hurry honey...........