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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 192076 times)

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Offline ML

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« Last Edit: December 25, 2016, 09:20:15 PM by ML »
Ban shredded cheese. Make America Grate Again

Offline SANDRO43

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Re: Car jacking gone wrong
« Reply #2576 on: December 25, 2016, 03:18:53 PM »
« Last Edit: December 25, 2016, 03:20:54 PM by SANDRO43 »
Milan's "Duomo"

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2577 on: December 26, 2016, 10:13:49 AM »
When parking spaces are limited.  Watch to the very end for surprise finish.

http://drive.google.com/file/d/0B8G2Mwid5GrCRzl4SkF1RFhQYTg/view?ts=580ca2fe
Ban shredded cheese. Make America Grate Again

Online tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2578 on: January 10, 2017, 09:33:23 PM »
 A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked “Is my time up?”
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had Someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as Well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was ran over by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had Another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?”
God replied: “I didn’t recognize you.”

Read More: Butch’s B.S. – Unrecognized By God [JOKE] | http://thexfrontrange.com/unrecognized-by-god-joke/?trackback=tsmclipMaria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

Read More: Butch’s B.S. – Climbing a Tree [JOKE] | http://thexfrontrange.com/butchs-b-s-climbing-a-tree-joke/?trackback=tsmclip
It is amazing to see how your Russian wife's English will progressively improve while yours will become progressively worse.

Offline ML

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Jacksonville Jiggler
« Reply #2579 on: January 11, 2017, 06:46:57 AM »
We watched last episode of "Odd Couple" last night (recorded from earlier date).

Oscar forces Felix into Internet Dating.
He meets first hot chick, and immediately starts her out with a 30 question survey.
She cuts out on him, of course.

So he hooks up with bar maid . . . Natasha no less!!

Later she brags that she gave him a Jacksonville Jiggler.
Ochka wanted to know what that was; but I didn't know.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 07:12:25 AM by ML »
Ban shredded cheese. Make America Grate Again

Offline Gator

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Re: Jacksonville Jiggler
« Reply #2580 on: January 11, 2017, 11:10:55 AM »
Later she brags that she gave him a Jacksonville Jiggler.
Ochka wanted to know what that was; but I didn't know.

Need a flexible woman.  It is a counterpart to the Venus Butterfly (dating myself).   


Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2581 on: January 11, 2017, 12:14:16 PM »
Potential Marriage vows


For Women
I promise not to force you to watch a Gilmore Girls marathon.

I promise to root for ______ even though I could truly care less who wins.

I vow to love you even as you scan through all those movies without picking one to actually watch.

I can't wait to take your last name - I am going to totally steal your identity.




For Men
I promise to take out the garbage, even in the pouring rain or freezing cold.

It is at this moment as I gaze into your eyes I think... is it too late to elope?

You're my favorite deputy - I love you to infinity and beyond!

If you turn into a zombie or a vampire, I promise to let you bite me, so we can be undead together.


The answer might not be at the beach, but shouldn't we at least check?

Online tfcrew

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Re: Jacksonville Jiggler
« Reply #2582 on: January 11, 2017, 12:37:12 PM »
Need a flexible woman.  It is a counterpart to the Venus Butterfly (dating myself).

Here you go - has her own jewelry-
Only $1500 on ebay  [and she doesn't back talk]................


It is amazing to see how your Russian wife's English will progressively improve while yours will become progressively worse.

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Jacksonville Jiggler
« Reply #2583 on: January 11, 2017, 01:41:35 PM »
I don't remember which movie it was I saw where the term was used. IINM, I think it was 'Be Cool'.

From what I can remember, its' urbanspeak to describe a 'hooker' *jiggling your jag*.

Which then reminded of a Charles Barkley story.

Apparently one night, after doing a B-Ball telecast, he was driving back to his hotel, when he made an abrupt/wild U-turn. A police car immediately reacted and stopped his car. The cops approached his vehicle, and when they saw it was Charles Barkley, the cop asked him if he knew why they stopped him.

Charles: "Yeah, sure of course I know! The U-turn is illegal but I had no choice, officer!"
Cop: "No Choice? What do you mean?"
Charles: "I saw my favorite hooker across the street, and a car was fast approaching her so I had to beat him to her!"
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 01:51:57 PM by GQBlues »
Go Lonzo Ball! Blue and Gold!

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2584 on: January 15, 2017, 02:49:54 PM »
Some of you do not understand the term  "Jacksonville Jigger."   This will help.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jacksonville%20Jiggler


As I said, the act requires a woman with a flexible body, among other qualities. 

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2585 on: January 15, 2017, 02:51:21 PM »
THIS YEAR'S TOP 10 COUNTRY SONGS

                                                                               
10.  I Hate Every Bone in Her Body, But Mine 
 
9.  I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few 
 
8.  If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me 
 
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin' 
 
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight, Cause I'm Scared She'd Win 
 
5.  I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here 
 
4.  My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss Him 
 
3.  She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger 
 
2.  She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer 
 
                           And the Number One Country Song is... 
 
1.  It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass out All Day!
 
 

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2586 on: January 15, 2017, 09:34:25 PM »
Some of you do not understand the term  "Jacksonville Jigger."   This will help.

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jacksonville%20Jiggler


As I said, the act requires a woman with a flexible body, among other qualities.

And I say, what is described is impossible.
Ban shredded cheese. Make America Grate Again

Offline Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2587 on: January 16, 2017, 10:58:19 AM »

Offline ML

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Sex Advisor
« Reply #2588 on: January 18, 2017, 09:14:17 AM »
Sex Advisor
Ban shredded cheese. Make America Grate Again

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2589 on: February 01, 2017, 02:04:27 PM »
During an International Association of Advance Medicine Summit, 4 top doctors from different countries convened in a room to discuss their latest achievements.

An Israeli doctor says, In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks he's out looking for work!"

The German doctor says, " That's nothing! In Germany, we take part of a man's brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is out looking for work!"

The Russian doctor grins, and says, "Gentlemen, we take a half a heart from one man, put it in another man's chest, and in 2 weeks he is out looking for work."

Now the American doctor stands up and laughs. " You're all behind us! Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no liver and made him President. Now the entire country is out looking for work!"
Go Lonzo Ball! Blue and Gold!

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2590 on: February 01, 2017, 03:49:19 PM »
And I say, what is described is impossible.

Unless there are two ladies in the equation, I would have to agree with you.

The answer might not be at the beach, but shouldn't we at least check?

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2591 on: February 01, 2017, 03:56:04 PM »
Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?
The answer might not be at the beach, but shouldn't we at least check?

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2592 on: February 01, 2017, 04:11:02 PM »
Okay. I don't remember where I heard this, and I'm not sure where to post it here either, but it's kind'a funny so I'll put it here...

Apparently there's a new 'PC' law/movement, wtr..in the United Kingdom (open for verification by UK members) that you can no longer call a pregnant woman an "expectant mother".

The reason behind this is, 'mother' denotes gender, and the pregnant woman might actually identify herself as a 'man', and could find the label (mother) offensive.

And in Canada, Toronto to be exact (Boethius verify) (LMAO) teachers are now removing gender specification in referring to their students' 'birth parents' (father/mother). They are allegedly concerned this might offend a student if they (he/she) are ever asked to have either of their 'birth parents' come in to school for a meeting.

Our world has gone bizarre. 
« Last Edit: February 01, 2017, 04:12:48 PM by GQBlues »
Go Lonzo Ball! Blue and Gold!

Offline Bounder

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2593 on: February 01, 2017, 11:09:16 PM »
Okay. I don't remember where I heard this, and I'm not sure where to post it here either, but it's kind'a funny so I'll put it here...

Apparently there's a new 'PC' law/movement, wtr..in the United Kingdom (open for verification by UK members) that you can no longer call a pregnant woman an "expectant mother".

The reason behind this is, 'mother' denotes gender, and the pregnant woman might actually identify herself as a 'man', and could find the label (mother) offensive.

And in Canada, Toronto to be exact (Boethius verify) (LMAO) teachers are now removing gender specification in referring to their students' 'birth parents' (father/mother). They are allegedly concerned this might offend a student if they (he/she) are ever asked to have either of their 'birth parents' come in to school for a meeting.

Our world has gone bizarre.

Humourous? I think rather not. Symbolic of the decline of Western civilization? Inability to even acknowledge any differences between men and women (and it things) strikes me as a very serious social illness.

What you describe about Ontario sounds like it falls in line with the sex Ed curriculum introduced by the social activists there.

If this turns into further discussion, I hope this gets moved out of the humour column. Shit like this seriously pisses me off.

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2594 on: February 02, 2017, 11:01:25 AM »
I hate those little Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.




The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.

I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2017, 11:09:46 AM by 2tallbill »
The answer might not be at the beach, but shouldn't we at least check?

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2595 on: February 02, 2017, 11:36:15 AM »
Humourous? I think rather not. Symbolic of the decline of Western civilization? Inability to even acknowledge any differences between men and women (and it things) strikes me as a very serious social illness.

What you describe about Ontario sounds like it falls in line with the sex Ed curriculum introduced by the social activists there.

If this turns into further discussion, I hope this gets moved out of the humour column. Shit like this seriously pisses me off.

I concur. The insertion of 'humor' into these silly cases was more a slap of sarcasm on my part. These are so darn ridiculous I am left with just shaking me head and think...*Crazy. Absolute madness*
Go Lonzo Ball! Blue and Gold!

Online msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2596 on: February 02, 2017, 04:01:31 PM »
Apparently there's a new 'PC' law/movement, wtr..in the United Kingdom (open for verification by UK members) that you can no longer call a pregnant woman an "expectant mother".

The reason behind this is, 'mother' denotes gender, and the pregnant woman might actually identify herself as a 'man', and could find the label (mother) offensive.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/01/29/dont-call-pregnant-women-expectant-mothers-might-offend-transgender/

As you can see from the article - it's a kite flying exercise by some folks [ loonies ] from the British Medical Association and highly unlikely to be implemented aa it might offend 1 person in 70 million and would annoy far more ..

« Last Edit: February 03, 2017, 03:18:37 AM by msmob »
..We are not afraid

Offline Anotherkiwi

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2597 on: February 02, 2017, 05:09:00 PM »
...And in Canada, Toronto to be exact (Boethius verify) (LMAO) teachers are now removing gender specification in referring to their students' 'birth parents' (father/mother). They are allegedly concerned this might offend a student if they (he/she) are ever asked to have either of their 'birth parents' come in to school for a meeting.

Our world has gone bizarre.

...What you describe about Ontario sounds like it falls in line with the sex Ed curriculum introduced by the social activists there.

If this turns into further discussion, I hope this gets moved out of the humour column. Shit like this seriously pisses me off.

I concur. The insertion of 'humor' into these silly cases was more a slap of sarcasm on my part. These are so darn ridiculous I am left with just shaking me head and think...*Crazy. Absolute madness*

Whilst I agree that this particular item doesn't fall under the banner of "humour," I think there may be another point to consider.  If GQBlues has accurately quoted the Canadian example, it may well be not so much the gender that's in question as the term "birth parents" itself.  With the number of people in the world who are actually adopted, or who live with (for example) grandparents or uncles/aunts rather than their actual birth parents (who may, again as an example, have been killed in an accident), then a more neutral term may make those children feel less uncomfortable.

Just saying...

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2598 on: February 02, 2017, 06:14:34 PM »
Whilst I agree that this particular item doesn't fall under the banner of "humour," I think there may be another point to consider.  If GQBlues has accurately quoted the Canadian example, it may well be not so much the gender that's in question as the term "birth parents" itself.  With the number of people in the world who are actually adopted, or who live with (for example) grandparents or uncles/aunts rather than their actual birth parents (who may, again as an example, have been killed in an accident), then a more neutral term may make those children feel less uncomfortable.

Just saying...

Actually no. From what I understood, the specific preference is 'birth parents'. To directly replace gender specification on 'birth parents'.

No other parental relations.
Go Lonzo Ball! Blue and Gold!

Offline LiveFromUkraine

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2599 on: February 02, 2017, 06:20:54 PM »
Actually no. From what I understood, the specific preference is 'birth parents'. To directly replace gender specification on 'birth parents'.

No other parental relations.


I just refer to everyone as a carrot these days. 

 

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