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Author Topic: Time for some Humor!!  (Read 267734 times)

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Offline ML

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Afraid to pee ??
« Reply #2775 on: December 06, 2018, 12:23:09 PM »
I am having a really bad day.

Buttoned my shirt . . . and a button fell off.

Picked up my briefcase . . . and handle fell off.

Opened the door . . . and door knob fell off.

Now I am afraid to pee.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online John Gaunt

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Re: Afraid to pee ??
« Reply #2776 on: December 07, 2018, 12:56:28 AM »
I am having a really bad day.

Buttoned my shirt . . . and a button fell off.

Picked up my briefcase . . . and handle fell off.

Opened the door . . . and door knob fell off.

Now I am afraid to pee.
You’ve already had one knob fall off. No matter if another does. I hear Monster glue works wonders.

Offline Lily

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2777 on: December 24, 2018, 01:33:40 PM »
Merry Christmas Eve!

Da, da, Canada; Nyet, nyet, Soviet!

Offline JayH

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2778 on: December 24, 2018, 08:48:39 PM »
Merry Christmas Eve!




Merry Christmas Lily ! -- & to all
SLAVA UKRAYINI  ! HEROYAM SLAVA!!!!
Слава Украине! Слава героям слава!Слава Україні! Слава героям!
 translated as: Glory to Ukraine! Glory to the heroes!!!  is a Ukrainian greeting slogan being used now all over Ukraine to signify support for a free independent Ukraine

Offline DaveNY

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2779 on: December 24, 2018, 09:53:47 PM »
Merry Christmas everyone. Best wishes for 2019.

Online msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2780 on: December 25, 2018, 04:55:47 AM »
If by 'slapstick' comedy  we mean the ones based on deliberately clumsy actions and humorously embarrassing events (googled definition), then I have yet to see a FSU person who would really enjoy them.

Benny Hill?

Mr Bean ?

Merry Christmas, all

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2781 on: January 16, 2019, 03:00:04 PM »
~ A note received in an email ~


- The IRS has returned my tax return to me this year after I apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?", I wrote: 9.5 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 3.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Washington!

The IRS stated the answer I gave was *unacceptable*. I then wrote back, "who did I leave out?"

Currently waiting on a response...
~Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people~ Gator :P

Offline GQBlues

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2782 on: January 16, 2019, 03:47:59 PM »
It shouldn't, but I still find this funny...

~Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people~ Gator :P

Online Gator

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2783 on: January 16, 2019, 06:07:50 PM »
A wife complains to her retired husband that he never helps around the house.  He answers that he does so much that she does not notice, such as cleaning the floor when she is gone.  Doubting his words, she grabs the vacuum cleaner and says, "Show me how you clean!"  So he does, but first he has to start the vacuum cleaner.     

http://videos.files.wordpress.com/Xblfe4qf/retired-vacum-cleaner_dvd.mp4

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2784 on: January 19, 2019, 09:42:58 AM »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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Things that men notice
« Reply #2785 on: January 24, 2019, 01:39:11 PM »
Things that men notice.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2786 on: January 24, 2019, 01:44:07 PM »
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online tfcrew

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2787 on: February 04, 2019, 05:53:02 PM »
   Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?”
“The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant, “and it just took us a while to find another pilot.”
*******************************************************************
A recent survey of men showed that 10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.
*************************************************************
Two Orthodox Jews went to Markus Pincus
the tailor, for new suits. “Listen, Markus,” one said, “the last suits you made for us were sort of gray. We want black suits, the darkest black cloth that we can get.”
 
“See this cloth? Pincus said, fingering a bolt of fabric. “This is the stuff they make nuns’ habits from. There just simply isn't a blacker cloth.” After a few minutes of haggling, Markus was able to convince the two Rabbis that this was indeed black cloth and they negotiated a price.
 
A few weeks later, the two men were walking down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively, one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits. He muttered something to his friend and they both walked off, much to the shock of the two nuns.
 “What did that man want?” one nun asked the other.

 “It was very strange,” she replied, “he looked at my garment, whispered something in Latin and left.”
“What did he say?” 
“He said, ‘Markus Pincus Fucktus’.”

 ***************************************************************************
After striking it rich in a Yukon gold mine lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. 
“I’m lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the Yukon,” he said to the bartender.
 “We got her,” replied the bartender. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”
The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the hooker and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the Yukon.”
 The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!”
 Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.
“How did you know I wanted you to get into that position"asked the miner.
“I didn’t,” replied the hooker, but I just thought you might want to open up those beers."
 ******************************************************************
 

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2788 on: February 04, 2019, 07:48:33 PM »
I really liked the first two.  Short and simple.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Offline ML

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Picture of helicopter lifting woman's dress
« Reply #2789 on: February 07, 2019, 10:27:50 PM »
Most of you have probably seen the humor asking what is the advantage of helicopters over fixed wing aircraft with the answer being the 'lifting' benefit.

We are going to birthday party tomorrow for person involved with aeronautics and I want to pass that picture joke around.

Did a search and couldn't find on Internet, but others can often find things that I can't find.

Can anyone help ???
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online msmob

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2790 on: February 08, 2019, 12:46:16 AM »
« Last Edit: February 08, 2019, 08:40:23 AM by SANDRO43 »

Offline ML

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2791 on: February 08, 2019, 11:17:10 AM »
OK, thanks for that.  The one I had seen a couple  of times before features a real woman and her bare bottom as she is climbing into a helicopter.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online 2tallbill

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Picture of helicopter lifting woman's dress
« Reply #2792 on: February 08, 2019, 12:01:37 PM »
Most of you have probably seen the humor asking what is the advantage of helicopters over fixed wing aircraft with the answer being the 'lifting' benefit.

We are going to birthday party tomorrow for person involved with aeronautics and I want to pass that picture joke around.

Did a search and couldn't find on Internet, but others can often find things that I can't find.

Can anyone help ???


There is a skirt lifting helicopter photo of the Baroness of Carrickfergus in Ireland*
who seems to be powerless to stop the effect that blows up the internet from time
to time.

http://www.2oceansvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/2w985c0.bild_.jpg

http://cdn.24.co.za/files/Cms/General/d/1403/f8873d615895477e8d9e4ccaa169fda8.jpg


*Moby will be physically unable to refrain from commenting on this.
1. It's got a royal
2. Ireland's name was invoked
3. He must correct me on something even if he's wrong.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2019, 12:14:22 PM by 2tallbill »
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online msmob

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Re: Picture of helicopter lifting woman's dress AND Beel's 'wrong' ))
« Reply #2793 on: February 08, 2019, 03:07:58 PM »

There is a skirt lifting helicopter photo of the Baroness of Carrickfergus in Ireland*
who seems to be powerless to stop the effect that blows up the internet from time
to time.

http://www.2oceansvibe.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/05/2w985c0.bild_.jpg

http://cdn.24.co.za/files/Cms/General/d/1403/f8873d615895477e8d9e4ccaa169fda8.jpg





*Moby will be physically unable to refrain from commenting on this.
1. It's got a royal
2. Ireland's name was invoked
3. He must correct me on something even if he's wrong.

Good one, Beel

1/ Carrickfergus is on the island of Ireland, but in N.Ireland - which is - last time I checked part of the UK

2/ For those of you not familiar...that's Kate..AKA The Duchess of Cambridge and Wife of Prince William..

« Last Edit: February 09, 2019, 01:41:19 AM by msmob »

Offline Jamesukjames

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Re: Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2794 on: February 08, 2019, 03:49:10 PM »
My neighbour has a helicopter in his garden , uses it to commute .  The stench of aviation fuel on take off.  Yuck.  His wife wears jeans all the time .

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2795 on: February 13, 2019, 06:31:50 PM »





2tallbills Life hack # 162

ALWAYS PUT THE CHOCOLATE ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Online 2tallbill

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Time for some Humor!!
« Reply #2796 on: February 13, 2019, 07:32:08 PM »
Too lazy to build a snowman

2tallbills hacks # 211 and 212



FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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My family was so poor . . .
« Reply #2797 on: February 19, 2019, 02:35:18 PM »
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

Online 2tallbill

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Re: My family was so poor . . .
« Reply #2798 on: February 20, 2019, 03:49:21 PM »
My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

My family hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a blender
FSUW are not for entry level daters
FSUW don't do vague
FSUW like a man of action. Be a man of action 
If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane.
There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.

Offline ML

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Oldie but goodie
« Reply #2799 on: March 09, 2019, 12:15:15 PM »
Oldie but goodie.   Worth a re-run.

Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day. Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.
Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the ​​woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.
Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.
Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in the patch smashing the weeds to pieces.
All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!
​​Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life...better still;
you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!... she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussy willows!"
Fred screams back... "DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!"
Winston Churchill.  “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

 

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