FSUW & Adjustment To The New Country

[catzenmouse]

Vaughn made a good suggestion in the "children" thread so I'm going to take a stab at getting it started here.

Many, if not most, of us have gone through the period in the early parts of our marriages where our ladies were not overly impressed with the new country they live in. The language, people, food, transportation, weather, <insert your own thought here>, are not as good here as they were at "home" in the FSU.

For us it seems that this barrier has finally been broken down with Elena's current trip to Russia. She mentioned to me that she felt out of place there. Almost a stranger at times. Perhaps it is the growing comfort level she has found here or that the rose colored glasses (for want of a better term) have come off and she is seeing things a bit differently. This change took a little over 2 1/2 years and there were plenty of times when I was very concerned that it would never happen so I am very happy to finally get to see what I have heard other married guys talk about.

Of course it was not a continuous stream of negative during this time but more of a situational experience.

How long did it take your wives to make this transition?

What was the turning point?

Were there any setbacks after this transition came to be?

Thanks for your thoughts,
 Ken

[Daveman]

Nice thread Ken, this one will be really helpful th those of us who are completely clueless.. Thanks!

[jb]

Ken,

These ideas have been touched on in several threads before, I know I've mentioned it a time or two.  However we have not, (to my knowledge) discussed this in detail.  Good topic, IMHO.

I know in our case, the wife found very little here as good as it was in Russia during the first year she was here.  Then she made a trip back to Russia,,, bear in mind she had learned to drive her own car,,,sensibly,,, in a normal traffic flow,,, and had adapted to commuting to her job everyday to the college.  The chaotic traffic of Moscow was an eye opener for her, she realized how crazy Russian drivers are.  She came home and talked about nothing else for days.  Lack of public transportation in the USA was no longer an item to complain about, (non-existant in Corpus Christi), public transportation in Moscow was crowded, dirty, noisy, and a real pain in the ass.  I could tell the bloom was off the rose at that point.

On her second trip home, other than visiting friends and family, she was ready to come home in less than two weeks.  Since then she views going to Russia as a chore to be endured, not enjoyed. 

We file the N-400 petition for citenzenship this month, she couldn't be happier.  Somehow in my stupidity, I've managed to create a new American patriot.

[Voyageur]

Ken,

This adjustment has also just started for us - after two years of American life -  and I first heard about this new attitude during my wife's recent trip back to her hometown.

She still enjoys going back to her hometown but told me that she considers the US "home" now. She said that she surprised herself when - upon returning home - that she defended America's ways to skeptical friends and family.

I can imagine how tough it must be, to be born in one culture and to live in another far different one.  I guess you can understand both viewpoints well enough. It is a shame that we can't make some Utopian society that incorporates the best of both cultures - (Oh we can? Yes in our own homes!).

[Daveman]

Is there something you guys would do differently now that you see the transition period with 20/20 hindsight so to speak? 

[swindoom]

My wife had no problems adjusting to her new country, she loves it here, even more so after visiting Russia last year. The only thing she missed was her close family but she talks to them almost every day.

One of her friends is having a hard time adjusting because her life here is worse than her life in Russia. Before her friend had a very good job, own car, own apartment, never worried about money but it is the total opposite for her now. Her mum sends her money from Russia to help her buy things.

[Voyageur]

Dave,

I believe that each situation is unique. When my wife came here, I had read all the forums with all the advise given and got everything I could ready in our own home. I should have spent more time getting others around me ready for her arrival. Although nothing was ever said to me, comments by people around me, like "Oh, do they have this is Russia too? " or "You mean that they actually have CARS in Russia?? (I am exaggerating a bit, but you get the drift).

You life should be as luggage-free as possible.  She should know and feel that you are behind her 100 % in your heart and in all of your actions.

[catzenmouse]

You life should be as luggage-free as possible.  She should know and feel that you are behind her 100 % in your heart and in all of your actions.

That bears repeating!

To your question Dave: There are probably dozens of little things I/we would/could have done differently. None of them, in my opinion, would have made any real difference in the long run. Some things she just has to work out on her own. You have to stand back a bit and let her struggle with something or fail at something. Not to be cruel but to let her define her focus a bit and find the right path, for her, to success.

While this is going on you have to always stay focused on Voyager's quote above. 100% at all times.

Ken

[START2]

Ken,
  Good thread.  Wife's still away and the words she tells me boil down to a few that really matter. Her home is where here husband is. Sounds just like her, Da?

[KenC]

Is there something you guys would do differently now that you see the transition period with 20/20 hindsight so to speak? 

Dave,
There were no RW forums known to me at the time when Lena arrived, so I was on my own.m  I will get into the details in my next post, but in a word what is most needed during this transition phase is:
PATIENCE

All the preparation in the world will not replace or speed up the time she will need to adjust.  She will "get it" eventually, but it will take time and there are no shortcuts either.
KenC

[KenC]

Ken,
Good idea for a thread.  Ironically, I spoke with Lena (still in Russia) on this very subject today.  I think RW go through stages of adjustment.  Maybe something like this:

STAGE #1 Total denial that anything American can be as good as anything Russian.  America is, well, just too foreign for their brains to handle.  Anything different has to be no good.  When Lena first arrived, you should have seen the "spirited" debates she and my adult son had regarding things Russian vs. things American.  (Needless to say that I am NOT the only stubborn family member) (And that includes Lena too)  I backed up and didn't debate too much because I knew it would take time.

STAGE #2 Well, OK, some of this stuff is pretty cool.  The stupid garbage disposal, silly dishwasher, the lazy American system of driving every where and the general "why would someone need to have that?" are replaced with silent use of all.  The acceptance of Starbucks and daily sushi begins sometime here.

STAGE #3 The "gotta have" period.  This is the time when she begins to question why her car is older, why she can't have a designer outfit and why we don't have a better house.  Not really being greedy, but the beginning of the questioning and the desire for better.

STAGE #4 The still claiming to have a Russian soul, but almost completely Americanized.  At this stage they start searching for the closest parking spot, develop specific requirements and generally become an American (With cute accents, great bodies and still
feminine as hell)

STAGE #5 The WTF was I thinking? period.  This is the time when they prefer America over Russia.  They may even begin to have some severe criticisms of the Motherland.

That is the progress report so far after 9 years in this country.

Back to today's conversation.  Lena made the statement that Russia is almost a barbaric country.  No one has any respect for each other.  America is the best country in the world.  there are still many things she loves about Russia, but they are not worth the bad.  America is now her home and in her heart.
KenC