Trying to understand this process

[KenC]

At the risk of taking some abuse....

Ken, its possible my fiance will come over at the beginning of tax season where I work six 12 hour days a week...for 3 months.  Imagine the fun she'll be having.  On top of that, she told me she doesn't want to be a bird in a cage (used the same words you did).  Am I in trouble? (heh heh)
On the flip side, she is aware of it, and says it doesn't matter as long as she's here with me.  And she's moved abroad before completely alone so maybe its not as much of a problem...

The good news is I get 8 weeks vacation a year outside of that.  No way could a guy get married to a FSU gal using the standard 2 weeks a year vacation.

DKMM.
To answer your question; more than you will ever realize!

Wait until just after tax time when you can give her your complete attention.  She will also have 9 months to get settled before the next tax season.

I/O,
Man, you got this down pat, Dude!  Great plan.  Momma will help tons with any social isolation issues.  I don't worry about you in any way.

Turbo,
You said:

I have to agree with Ken about the demise of PG's relationship.   I think leaving her alone for days at a time was the biggest problem with their relationship

Thanks for agreeing, but there were a lot of factors in PG's relationship that made it a bust.  No English and not knowing each other also had a big play in things.  Him leaving her alone was just one of many straws that broke that camel's back.
KenC

[I/O]

You have a big advantage in being able to have her there for a bit of time first

I would never have considered marriage if I had not been able to have her here to see all for herself waaaaaaaaaaay before we got close to that stage.  Seemingly, many would have been fixed and hitched by the time we got to her being here for a stay.  Neither of us was so set on being married that we were prepared to take any short cuts. 

Maybe we have gone on too long but what with language, age, culture and a host of other things which need to be dove tailed together I could never contemplate making a move which I hope will be for the rest of my life without turning over every stone I could think of.  Maybe I am too conservative, time will tell.

As for having my MIL2B come with her, there is several factors in my thinking there.  Obviously the company, the opportunity for her mum to be at our wedding (First daughter, If I was her I would want to be there), the confidence of two together to go off and do things, a bit of motherly advice for a young woman to help establish a home the way she wants and not least of all, the fact that further along, phone conversations with her mum will be far more open and relevant when mum understands the things she is talking about.

I reckon I know a bit about his process, exploring Russia, meeting eastern people and so on, but when it comes to settling a Russian woman here, that is a whole new sphere for me. I am hoping to an extent what I saw when she was here for a goodly period last year was a good indicater.  She fitted in like hand in glove so to say. Hope springs eternal and all that.....

KenC: My only concern is if I get crook whilst they are both here, I might end up getting one of those "Vodka Rub Downs". I could be so lucky.

I/O

[catzenmouse]

That is exactly what I meant. Your laws afford you something that our laws do not. It is a big advantage in this endeavor.

Ken

[Alex]

Ron, you see, sacrifices – it’s a wrong word. FSU women they can make compromises And not because they will “win a better life”, but because it’s in our mentality – not to make argues and rows when it’s possible to compromise (if it doesn’t violate any principles, which are important for a woman). And, as guys already said here, don’t believe the myth that FSU women will be happy to marry anybody only because he is foreigner.
You sound like a serious man. Your family values and desire to create family with children can be a motivating fact for women. So these are your strong points. And not the fact that you’re an American and can “give her a way out from a poverty trap”, as you tend to think, according to your posts

I am very new to this board but in just a few hours of reading I've learned so much and I have enjoyed the wealth of contained wisdom herein...
I wanted to say two things, if I may...
1. Nat is absolutely right, values and culture is what Ukrainian women are the best at... not to boast... (please do not shoot) but in my 52 years I've visited over 80 different countries and seen many cultures, and evaluated my options... with all due respect, even though I happen to prefer Ukrainian women over American women (and I have been in many relationships with American girls), I truly believe that the real question is: Do we know OURSELVES well enough? We are all different. As an American who has seen other cultures and assimilated and adopted many other customs... well, the most important thing is to NOT to stereotype and, knowing who you are, then find the right woman who is looking for WHO YOU ARE...
2. I have shared a little bit of my life with two Ukrainian girls and I can safely say that in those small slices of time, I was able to live an eternity of happiness...what wonderful women. However, a word to the wise... compromising is perhaps the most effective strategy ever... had I know this then... well I'd be joining KenC in speaking so highly of his Russian wife
Thanks for the airtime... love your website!

[KenC]

I am very new to this board but in just a few hours of reading I've learned so much and I have enjoyed the wealth of contained wisdom herein...
I wanted to say two things, if I may...
1. Nat is absolutely right, values and culture is what Ukrainian women are the best at... not to boast... (please do not shoot) but in my 52 years I've visited over 80 different countries and seen many cultures, and evaluated my options... with all due respect, even though I happen to prefer Ukrainian women over American women (and I have been in many relationships with American girls), I truly believe that the real question is: Do we know OURSELVES well enough? We are all different. As an American who has seen other cultures and assimilated and adopted many other customs... well, the most important thing is to NOT to stereotype and, knowing who you are, then find the right woman who is looking for WHO YOU ARE...
2. I have shared a little bit of my life with two Ukrainian girls and I can safely say that in those small slices of time, I was able to live an eternity of happiness...what wonderful women. However, a word to the wise... compromising is perhaps the most effective strategy ever... had I know this then... well I'd be joining KenC in speaking so highly of his Russian wife
Thanks for the airtime... love your website!

Alex,
Welcome.  Nice first post, but I do not understand your reference to me.  Care to explain it a bit?  Thanks.
KenC

[DKMM]

KenC, you are not alone in thinking this is a bit confusing.  Could be taken two ways.  But if you give him the benefit of the doubt, I think he means he might be praising his own wife like you do, instead of being divorced like he is now. 

[Alex]

KenC, you are not alone in thinking this is a bit confusing.  Could be taken two ways.  But if you give him the benefit of the doubt, I think he means he might be praising his own wife like you do, instead of being divorced like he is now. 

Sorry guys, no on both counts... all I meant is that there were cultural differences, not faults!, because I did not know what I wanted and thrived on... my two relationships were not marriages but I actually lived in America with both these girls... I referred to Ken because either he was thorough and knew what he wanted and matched it well, or was blessed with a truly wonderful woman. The reality is that there are many socio-economic differences that have to be worked out, understood and compromised beforehand. One tiny example... we all know that very few Americans would buy a home and owned right out, even those who earn over $200k would finance a home... well, the concept of mortgage gets lost on some Ukrainian women, or the lease/purchase of a nice car... so if you are even a little "American" wise about money... you seem cheap to them... not their fault at all!!!! I have visited Russia and Ukraine more times than I can remember and truly... people who own their house, well... they own them! as well as cars, etc. I tried to explain that even if we could buy a house in cash or a car, sometimes there are advantages in financing because it is how we "work" our money... needed more time... and perhaps clarity...

[groovlstk]

One tiny example... we all know that very few Americans would buy a home and owned right out, even those who earn over $200k would finance a home... well, the concept of mortgage gets lost on some Ukrainian women, or the lease/purchase of a nice car... so if you are even a little "American" wise about money... you seem cheap to them... not their fault at all!!!!

Alex, you're right that this is a tough one. I think a lot of relationships sink in their early stages because a man who is responsible with his money is mistakenly given the "G" label. Before my wife arrived we talked long and hard about finances, bills, etc. She later admitted to me that at first she thought I was greedy. It was only with time and patience in explaining credit and the sheer number of bills the average American must pay each month, vacation planning, retirement planning, etc. that she began to understand my need to keep a strong leash on my finances.

Any guy serious about this endeavor should be prepared for this and the trick is not to give into the temptation to feel offense or think she's off the wall. There are a few instances in RW-AM relationships that, in my experience, the gulf between what we consider rational and what she does is far and wide, and this is one of them. Patience and education is the key to getting through this.

[TigerPaws]

Without question family finances are a huge issue, 7 years into this marriage and I am still teaching my lady how to handle our finances. Dealing with money no matter how much you have is a very difficult subject, my lady is wonderful about how she spends money but lets face it our (western) system is complex if you grew up in a 100% cash economy.

TigerPaws

[Randy]

Without question family finances are a huge issue, 7 years into this marriage and I am still teaching my lady how to handle our finances. Dealing with money no matter how much you have is a very difficult subject, my lady is wonderful about how she spends money but lets face it our (western) system is complex if you grew up in a 100% cash economy.

TigerPaws

TP,

My wife hasn't had that much trouble figuring it out.  It may be her accounting degree but I really think it was the fact that we use Quicken and she itemizes all transactions for me.  When you track every CC charge and itemize the sales tax (no state income tax in TX so you can deduct it) it makes everything easier to understand.

Randy

[MaxxumUSA]

ugh...

money again.

complicated subject.

[TigerPaws]

Randy,

Maybe it is just that our situation is much more complex as we no longer live in the U.S. and our finances span a number of different countries.

TigerPaws

[KenC]

I referred to Ken because either he was thorough and knew what he wanted and matched it well, or was blessed with a truly wonderful woman. 

Alex,
Both are true!  Ever wonder why the "luckiest" guys are also the most thorough and take the most time?  It really is not a coincidence at all.  I didn't know exactly what I wanted in a wife, when I met Lena, but I did know that I would never marry unless it was "perfect."  Filling a wife vacancy was not a priority for me.
KenC

[Randy]

Randy,

Maybe it is just that our situation is much more complex as we no longer live in the U.S. and our finances span a number of different countries.

TigerPaws

TP,

That would definitely make it harder to keep track of.  I wouldn't even try to keep track of it myself without a computer

Randy

[Alex]

Alex,
Both are true!  Ever wonder why the "luckiest" guys are also the most thorough and take the most time?  It really is not a coincidence at all.  I didn't know exactly what I wanted in a wife, when I met Lena, but I did know that I would never marry unless it was "perfect."  Filling a wife vacancy was not a priority for me.
KenC

Ken, Godspeed to you! I am very happy for you!

[DKMM]

Ahh money.  Well yeah I've been down that mortgage discussion before.  It seems the RW think that we are all in debt up to our eyeballs and are trapped.

I thought i had it easy though when I explained that I only "own" 30% of my house, but that's more than most Americans do.  One night I was down about working so hard and she said not to.  I said well I have to so we can have the money I will need to get us going.  She said well its ok she will work and we can always reduce our expenses if we have to! 

I tried explaining we will take out a HELOC to get her credit established and to buy some things we'll need to start out with.  She said OK a $100!

I could go on and on, this is just a grand subject ain't it?

[catzenmouse]

Elena has two credit cards and in the almost two years she's had them she has, maybe, spent 200 dollars total on them. I sure wish I could say that!  In many ways she still has the mentality that if you can't pay cash for it then you can't buy it. Not a bad way of thinking for this credit hungry situation we live in.

Ken

[Mir]

Personally I have hardly ever bought anything on credit.
Yes I use credit cards but only to collect rewards airmiles
Maybe in US you get tax relief on mortgage interest, we don't and it is quite pointless to keep a huge mortgage and pay interest on top of the capital.

[joe rockhead]

Without question family finances are a huge issue, 7 years into this marriage and I am still teaching my lady how to handle our finances. Dealing with money no matter how much you have is a very difficult subject, my lady is wonderful about how she spends money but lets face it our (western) system is complex if you grew up in a 100% cash economy.

TigerPaws

Most people here in North America don't understand our "western system" and just don't understand how to handle the money/finacial issues and get themselves into trouble.  I don't think its an east/west thing individual thing on being able to see what works, recognise mistakes before they are made and being able to live within your means.  If you have the time read the "millionare next door".  They actually do an ethnic background on who has money in the US and who dosen't.  If I remember right people, with Russian heritage are in the upper percentages of the people who have built wealth.  Again I think it still is all depends on the individual.

[DKMM]

Oh Mir to be loaded like you... what a life it would be! 

I agree credit is to be used only when it makes sense, which is either when its interest free or when you are buying a house.  How nice to not have to take a mortgage and live where you want...

[Rvrwind]

How nice to not have to take a mortgage and live where you want...

I wish!!! A dream I have had all my life & never attained....

[Mir]

Oh Mir to be loaded like you... what a life it would be!

 
I think it is more like living within ones means.
I mean during my residency 1993-2000 I didnot buy a house and drove the same car(Nissan Bluebird), so didn't need to borrow.
Since then I can afford more luxuries so I buy them as I earn better.

[Rvrwind]

Too Funny!!!

I think it is more like living within ones means.

If I lived within' my means, I'd be in a cardboard box near the train station!!!

[DKMM]

I just had the mortgage conversation with my girl.  Hoo boy, there is a huge gap between us and them!  She said no way can we upgrade to a bigger house until I pay my mortgage off.  Wha?? and that its bad to have one.  Even after I explained leveraging.  And how I made a 1000% return on my home so far... none of it made sense.  All she wants to know is how many more years on my mortgage are left and if we can pay it off early.  I said no way, its a 5% fixed rate you'd be crazy to pay it off early! 

[Lily]

I just had the mortgage conversation with my girl.  Hoo boy, there is a huge gap between us and them!  She said no way can we upgrade to a bigger house until I pay my mortgage off.  Wha?? and that its bad to have one.  Even after I explained leveraging.  And how I made a 1000% return on my home so far... none of it made sense.  All she wants to know is how many more years on my mortgage are left and if we can pay it off early.  I said no way, its a 5% fixed rate you'd be crazy to pay it off early! 

Yes, I could relate to her feelings..

For a Russian, nothing can be worse than being in debt. They feel very insecure when they know that they owe someone some cash. Cash makes people feel secure. Loans make Russians feel themselves unsecurely.

People say sometimes, 'If you borrow money, you borrow SOMEONE ELSE's money and they stay with you for some time only. If you pay out loan, you give away your OWN money and they are gone forever'. 

Russians are not comfortable using money that, they believe, belong to the others, because they very much used to a concept that money can be only earned by selling their skills on labor market. Russians exchange labor for money, that's they way we used to live. A very proletarian concept indeed

You definitely have to explain her in details why it puts you in a better position.