The Distance Factor

[Randy]

MaxxumUSA,

I just have to second that one and share my Blessing...

I have been lurking here for about a week (since my wife forwarded the link from her forum ).

We have been married 4 1/2 years and she already has her citizenship so I feel for all the guys still dealing with paperwork!

My wife told me the other day that according to her forum I did EVERYTHING WRONG....  It has been the happiest 4 1/2 years of my life and she says it has been for her too 

Now for what I did wrong.

1. I was 5 1/2 years after being told I would be dead in 5 years (brain tumor was removed and doctor said they usually come back and the second surgery is NOT successful)
2. I was less than 1 year after a very bitter divorce.
3. I was 2 months after a hip replacement (broke my hip at 12 titanium at 35)
4. I was living with my parents (moved in when I got divorced to help them financially and just because I didn't want to live alone.)
5. Only contacted 6-7 women (including the scammer who contacted me on my match.com profile) 80% sure she was.  Just too many red flags... wanted me to send her money for her to come visit... sent me an email with the wrong name asking why I quit writing...
6. I went to Kiev 6 weeks after we started emailing after telling the other women I had found the one for me. (engagement ring in hand)
7. I was completely honest with her that she was too young for me.  I had a step-daughter her age!

If she had read the forums back then she would probably have thought I was a looser for living with my parents like most AW did, never realizing I was paying them more in rent that what my house payment had been before the divorce. 

The only thing I did correctly was PRAY a lot.  To this day I still believe God led me to the woman he had in mind for me to spend the rest of my life with.

I was the first person to contact her (the same day her profile went up) and the agency said she should keep meeting other men when she told them she was already engaged.

Randy

[catzenmouse]

Welcome Randy!

Congratulations! Both for your success in finding your life partner and also for beating the odds with the cancer!

Hope you'll take the time to share some of your thoughts and experiences along the way with us.

Ken

[MaxxumUSA]

MaxxumUSA,

I just have to second that one and share my Blessing...

I have been lurking here for about a week (since my wife forwarded the link from her forum ).

We have been married 4 1/2 years and she already has her citizenship so I feel for all the guys still dealing with paperwork!

My wife told me the other day that according to her forum I did EVERYTHING WRONG....  It has been the happiest 4 1/2 years of my life and she says it has been for her too 

Now for what I did wrong.

1. I was 5 1/2 years after being told I would be dead in 5 years (brain tumor was removed and doctor said they usually come back and the second surgery is NOT successful)
2. I was less than 1 year after a very bitter divorce.
3. I was 2 months after a hip replacement (broke my hip at 12 titanium at 35)
4. I was living with my parents (moved in when I got divorced to help them financially and just because I didn't want to live alone.)
5. Only contacted 6-7 women (including the scammer who contacted me on my match.com profile) 80% sure she was.  Just too many red flags... wanted me to send her money for her to come visit... sent me an email with the wrong name asking why I quit writing...
6. I went to Kiev 6 weeks after we started emailing after telling the other women I had found the one for me. (engagement ring in hand)
7. I was completely honest with her that she was too young for me.  I had a step-daughter her age!

If she had read the forums back then she would probably have thought I was a looser for living with my parents like most AW did, never realizing I was paying them more in rent that what my house payment had been before the divorce. 

The only thing I did correctly was PRAY a lot.  To this day I still believe God led me to the woman he had in mind for me to spend the rest of my life with.

I was the first person to contact her (the same day her profile went up) and the agency said she should keep meeting other men when she told them she was already engaged.

Randy

Randy...

Welcome.

You should post a little information in the introductions and icebreakers thread if you like.

Glad to see you here.

- David

[Randy]

Thank you Ken, luckily the tumor was benign.

Randy

[Simoni]

Welcome, Randy...and congrats on beating the odds in multiple areas of your life.  We are very happy to have another experienced guy here at RWD, and look forward to hearing more about your marriage and life.

[Icarus]

Hi guys,

Good to hear from you all.

I want to add my 2 cents, maybe even a quarter 

In addressing the issue of relationships over distance, I agree with the perspective, that the first trip we make is for ourselves; curiousity, meeting one or many women, to even discovering the journeys hardships and realizing its not for us, the first trip is for selfish reasons.

The second trip we make for "us" We have reached that point were we want to invest into a blossoming relationship. We are willing to put our emotions, our jobs, our lifestyles on the line, just to see how how far the r'ship could go. And by this point, we have already invested alot of time, money, and energy so why if the feelings are mutual, the chemistry is there, then why not see it through.

The third trip is for her. Either we are going over to bring her home with us, or she has an emergency, what ever the reason, we are well and truly prepared to drop everything to be with her, even carry her bags as she goes shopping all day with our money; and we do do it, happily to.

So, in the field of "the distance factor" I think if we are sincere, sincere with our selves, we should take the WMVM approach.

Some of you may, and will, disagree. I applaud your opinions, I am very new at this, having only discovered that I know nothing about r'ships with FSUW. But I am learning.

It was also suggested how often, and how frustrating the WMVM vs WOVO debate is. Well, as it was also stated, times change. We have changed. I know I have just by reading the many posts and threads on the RWD website.

But also, the women we pursue have changed. Where as only 5% of us will visit the FSU, these women will not just "settle" for any foreigner that steps off a plane, no, they want quality, not quantity. But like us persuing men, we need to get through the quantity to find the ONE. And there should be no ill feeling in that.

So, these darling, beautiful women, are not staying up late every nite, answering letters to foreign suitors, but they are going on dates with them. And learning as much as we are about FSUW, about American, European, Aussie men etc. So unfortuntaely the WMVM vs WOVO debate must continue from time to time.

Another point that I want to address is the age of the women we desire. I am 31, and in my search criteria I am looking at 24-33, probably the same age of women I would meet, date in Australia, or any other country I am living in.

Why do so many of you go for younger women? Would you court a woman so much younger than you in your home town? Society? But then again, arent you going to be bringing your bride home to live in this same society?

IMHO, I feel its a reflection of the boy-in-the-candy-store syndrome. Here, in the FSU we have discovered; maybe for the first time, that we are valued, that we mean more to the opposite sex than what we do to the local women in our hometowns. So why not take advantage of that. I think a number of us; I am not judging anyone with this, but I think a number of us have selfish reasons to persue such young women. I do it to, I mean Im 31, and Im looking for 24-33, but I like to think by giving myself a bracket to meet women, even a couple of years older than me, I increase the chance to meet a special woman. Thats just my honest opinion.

And Randy, incredible life mate; glad to have you here 

Concerning also the distance factor. This has, and will change. It wasnt really that long ago when men aspiring to win the heart of Russian bride had to spend countless hours writing letters, then mailing them (snail mail) in hopes it reaches her doorstep in a few weeks time. With the internet, obviously this process has changed. Of course air travel will change. We've all seen the Airbus 380, or the Boeing Dream Liner, international flights will get cheaper; but I doubt shorter in length; but hey Im no pilot. But, a direct flight from Sydney to Moscow, or Kiev would be great 

I have more to write, but Id like to get some feedback from you.

Ick

[Kuna]

Ick,

If you want to start a thread on age I'd probably suggest you start it in a new thread...  It'll be a doozey!

Kuna

[Icarus]

Hi Kuna,

Consider my comments on age, as only 2cents out of dollar.

Its peculiar how the distance of these relationships, can, and do, influence so many aspects of our lives.

Ick

[Mir]

Why do so many of you go for younger women?

As TP quite honestly states:

Prettier, less baggage, hot body, no children yet (hopefully) because I could, why not, older is not necessarily better. Hum.... Those are the politically correct reasons.

[Simoni]

Why do so many of you go for younger women?

Numerous reasons.  When you are 48 and look at women age 48, you often seen negative women planning on their retirement center plans.  Someone who does not want to climb a mountain or travel the world.  Someone who cannot or does not want to make a baby with you and create a family together.  Beauty?  Sure.   But I've seen some very beautiful 40 something women.  Meg Ryan comes to mind 

So it's not ALL about beauty.  But it certainly is a factor.   And yes, it's possible to combine character and personality and beauty in one woman.  I did.


Ick:  You are 31 and likely cannot understand this.  Perhaps when you are 18 years older you will.  But hopefully, you will have created a stable and fruitful marriage and will not be "looking" as a number of men in their 40s here are.

[Icarus]

Thanks for the praise Simoni 

This thread has certainly bounced around the original topic, but let me ask you this last question to wind things up; Im sure youve heard it before, doesnt the age difference cause unnecessary stress on the relationship? Can the younger less experienced woman, handle the impact of a long distance relationship before vows are excahnged?

Thanks for all the feed back guys, I really appreciated your comments.

Ick

[TigerPaws]

Icarus.

In very broad general terms if a girl is under 24 to 25 then it is likely she is not ready for any kind of relationship, there are of course exceptions and given enough time and effort you could find a 21 to 24 year old who would be mature enough for a life long relationship. As a number of the ladies on this forum have written at around 25 to 26 a girls opportunities in her home country (Russia, Ukraine) begin to diminish so she may begin to consider other options and American or European men begin to look more like a real possibility.

The age factor has been discussed on this forum sense its beginning and at times the discussion has been very heated, there is no right or wrong only what is acceptable to you and your lady so in that regard you will have to decide what you want, need and desire in a lady. I would like you to stop a minute and think in terms of time, the time it will take once you meet that one special lady tp bring her to your home country.

Lets say you meet a lady who is say 28 who is everything you have always wanted in a lady and the two of you hit it off. Now you spend a few days with her and agree to continue getting to know each other, you go home and lets say you are able to return in 4 months in order to spend a couple of weeks together and after which you are pretty sure she is the right girl for you. Now it takes you a few months to put together another trip and lets say it is winter and you do not feel like freezing your tail off so you invite her to spend 10 days with you in Egypt.

 After a few days together in an exotic and beautiful place you really know this is the right girl for you and you are sure she feels he same about you so you ask her to marry you. Cool but look at the calender it has been at least 6 to 8 months sense you met her and now she is 29, ok no problem. But again think in the terms of time or how long, if it takes you a year to get her a visa to your home country she could be 30 pushing 31 when she arrives, again you think no problem or more than likely you do not think about it at all. But figuring it will take her a year or more to become comfortable with you and her new home and if she has yet to have a child she will most likely be interested in having a child and again look at the calender. Your lady is now 32 or 33, maybe 34 by he time she is pregnant and she could be 35 or even 36 when the child arrives. While 35 or 36 is not big issue it is still pushing the age envelope for most women to have children.

My point is you need to consider the ladies age into your thinking as to what you want in the future, remember you are in control of this process, it is you who will seek out a lady and you will decide which ladies you want to contact generally (but not always) first.

TigerPaws

[Icarus]

 

Definitely food for thought. Thanks TigerPaws, I will keep your comments close to heart as I gain more knowledge and footing in this endeavor.

Ick

[Turboguy]

Ick,  I don't understand why you feel a younger less experienced women would deal any differently with a long distance relationship than a more experienced woman?   I am curious why you would think that.

I am sure some of the guys who look for younger women do it for a beautiful face and a nice figure.   I think some want to have children in the relationship too which is a factor.

There are some negatives to older women besides the fact the face and body may (or may not) be starting to go.   For many they will have much more baggage.  At an older age they will have much more trouble adapting to life in another country and much more difficulty learning the language.  

I am not saying that an older guy with a younger woman will not have issues they will have to deal with but there are also issues that an older guy with an older woman will face.  

[Simoni]

Thanks for the praise Simoni 

This thread has certainly bounced around the original topic, but let me ask you this last question to wind things up; Im sure youve heard it before, doesnt the age difference cause unnecessary stress on the relationship? Can the younger less experienced woman, handle the impact of a long distance relationship before vows are excahnged?

Yes, in married life the age difference does come into play.  Most of our couple friends tend to be either other AM/RW, or couples closer to Marina's age.  When we pair up with couples my age, the women seems to be afraid her husband might get "ideas!"  LOL  

Marina is in her 30s.   While dating, I did date girls under 25.  They were a different breed, and not ready for the hard work marriage is.  It seemed to me the magic age was 28 and older.  By that time, the girl has finished university, worked a job, and played around, getting dating out of her system.   Girls above 35?   Getting a bit risky for childbirth.  Thus, I finished by looking at girls only in the 28-34 range.

Of course your question was not about marriage, but the waiting time before the vows are exchanged.   Depends on the girl, but do consider my broader answer above.  And good luck!  

[ScottinCrimea]

Tigerpaows, You fail to mention that during this time that your girl is aging, you are also aging at the same rate. 

[TigerPaws]

Tigerpaows, You fail to mention that during this time that your girl is aging, you are also aging at the same rate. 

Yes and why would that matter?

TigerPaws

[Kuna]

Ick,

Before I met "My Girl" I was dating very young girls at home but when looking for something more serious I decided to be more serious. 

You can find young girls who have the maturity for a long term relationship but they won't have the life experience to help them navigate through the problems of a relationship. 

As a new young bride matures there will be a risk her life goals will change.

Some men can marry a young girl and stay happily married - there's proof of that here at RWD...  Most men chasing young girls are doing it to feel better about themselves and because it makes them feel good.  I hope they're actually looking for something more than just "fresh meat" though...  It's a big decision to make if they ignore the logical risks...

When it comes to deciding on the range I did very much the same as Simoni described.  I was hoping to start a family so age was important to me.  I wrote to girls in the 28 to 30 age group...  My Girl was 27 but I couldn't resist...  her pics were just too gorgeous! 

Kuna

[Turboguy]

Most men chasing young girls are doing it to feel better about themselves and because it makes them feel good.  I hope they're actually looking for something more than just "fresh meat" though... 

I was hoping to start a family so age was important to me.  I wrote to girls in the 28 to 30 age group...  My Girl was 27 but I couldn't resist...  her pics were just too gorgeous! 

Kuna

Kuna, if what attracted you was the gorgeous part then are you not saying in a way that you were looking for fresh meat as well?

[TigerPaws]

Kuna,

 Most of us (men) are looking for the Hot body good looking babe. Hells bells if you were not I would think you are a bit strange, so what.

As for the age issue I will refer you to what I have said before about thinking about the time line it takes to meet, court and bring a girl to your home country and only you can answer that. If you want a family then you need to put that consideration into your thinking and your search. Hopefully you have already taken those factors into account in your decision.

TigerPaws

[Turboguy]

 

[Kuna]

Kuna, if what attracted you was the gorgeous part then are you not saying in a way that you were looking for fresh meat as well?

Turbo....

Try not to be too defensive over my use of the phrase "fresh meat"... Those around us at home will decide what looks like fresh meat and what doesn't.   

Kuna,

 Most of us (men) are looking for the Hot body good looking babe. Hells bells if you were not I would think you are a bit strange, so what.

As for the age issue I will refer you to what I have said before about thinking about the time line it takes to meet, court and bring a girl to your home country and only you can answer that. If you want a family then you need to put that consideration into your thinking and your search. Hopefully you have already taken those factors into account in your decision.

TigerPaws

Tiger,

Don't worry about me... I was dating young girls at home and while it's fun I didn't find it fulfilling. I didn't want to have to raise a child before I could start a family.

Of course physical attraction is important but the most important thing for me was finding someone I could share an emotional and intellectual connection with...  and I haven't been able to find that with young girls.  We all have our preferences though.

Sadly you're right... most men are chasing "just a hottie", but then again most men fail. 

You raise a good point when talking about those that want to start a family. I did a very similar calculation when I was trying to decide on the age range but I knew I wasn't stretching reality when setting my criteria. The bigger the stretch the higher the risk... Those that stretch reality too far can search for a decade just to end up in a high risk relationship.   

Hopefully newbies will take a level headed approach when planning their trips and they'll reduce their risks.  Anyone can drive a car at top speed in heavy rain but only an idiot would refuse to wear a seatbelt!

Kuna

[TigerPaws]

Kuna,

 Really I was not speaking directly about you and besides you have found your lady and you sound more than level headed enough to have thought things through. It is the guys who are just starting, who are reading these posts, those are the men who need to think about the things which are being discussed on this forum. You, I and many others have already made our decision and to whatever extent our bed so we are out of the game and coaching from the sidelines.

Hopefully our discussions here will help in some small way other men to make the righ choices or at least make fewer mistakes as they go about their search for the lady of their dreams.

TigerPaws

[Lily]

Thanks for the praise Simoni 

This thread has certainly bounced around the original topic, but let me ask you this last question to wind things up; Im sure youve heard it before, doesnt the age difference cause unnecessary stress on the relationship? Can the younger less experienced woman, handle the impact of a long distance relationship before vows are excahnged?

Thanks for all the feed back guys, I really appreciated your comments.

Ick

Ick (that sounds funny in Russian! )

A high class, well mannered traditional woman would do even better in a long distance r'ship because such women should be naturally programmed to waiting, patience, monogamy and loyality. This is my very IMHO and many women who are spoiled would disagree.

It is not about the age. When I fell in live first with my 16 yrs old, I tried to attract that guy for, I guess, more than for 3 years, hoping that he will finally appreciate me.  At my 20, I started to court one of the uni professors for about 2 years when I finally realized that all my efforts are in vain  The older I get, the less time it takes me to sort out things in my heart.

Some Russian women may call it the "Assol syndrome". Disagree.  It is a normal female behaviour that only emphasize her naturall value and choosinness.

It's all about her personality, Ick  ( I really like that nick! )

[Mir]

At my 20, I started to court one of the uni professors for about 2 years

So you had the hots for an older man?!