Does routine kill everything :even the most perfect love and marriage?

[Jazzyclassy]

I was thinking recently about mini misunderstandings with a partner when starting to live together for example. Even if you had such topic already , I could not find it here.

For example how did people got used to each others habits and for how long they 've experienced  inconvenience , like the woman got used to do everything right and put her clothing always in right places and a guy is more like a guy likes some mess on his table, puts his clothing on the back of his chair throws his panties and socks all over the flat and so on. These are little things , but  all these little things form a family life.  

How not to show a woman's dispair and irritation before her husband because of these little things for example and should only woman be patient and try to adopt to her husband's habits or he might do something to improve the situation as well

Sometimes people say that routine kills even the most perfect marriage and love between people , anyone did have such situation or it sounds like  silly thoughts?

[Gator]

Jazzy,

Every relationship requires adjustment, both to what each is before starting and then to how each changes afterwards. 

The "little things" you described are indeed little.  A man and woman who can not adjust to these is in for trouble.  If these little things cause problems, I would say that they are not into each other, or one of them has a mental problem.

Routine a problem?  It all depends on the personalities of the couple.  Me?  I will not go to heaven - everything is too perfect there. It would be too tedious. 

I enjoy intelligent, lively, adventurous, whimsical, beautiful women and I have somehow attracted more than my fair share of them over my many years. Why?  They too abhor boredom.  They have had many, many complaints about me, but never boredom.  A woman who likes routine would flush me in a New York minute. 

[jb]

puts his clothing on the back of his chair throws his panties and socks all over the flat and so on.

I knew it~!  My wife is not the only RW who refers to mens underwear as "panties".  Right after she arrived here in Texas we were shopping and she asked me if I needed some new "panties"... In a voice loud enough for everyone within half a block to hear.  I almost died on the spot.

[Ste]

I knew it~!  My wife is not the only RW who refers to mens underwear as "panties".  Right after she arrived here in Texas we were shopping and she asked me if I needed some new "panties"... In a voice loud enough for everyone within half a block to hear.  I almost died on the spot.

Here in the UK they are 'underpants'

Or, in slang 'trollies' 'underkecks' or 'grundies'

We say 'pants' for 'trousers' too.

[Gator]

Ste,

How would you feel if she announced in a store that she wanted to buy you some "knickers"?  Or waved to you in your home for the Ancient and Terminally Bewildered (funny) if she should bring you some new knickers.  You would probably respond, "No, but I could use some nappies."

[Ste]

Ste,

How would you feel if she announced in a store that she wanted to buy you some "knickers"?  Or waved to you in your home for the Ancient and Terminally Bewildered (funny) if she should bring you some new knickers.  You would probably respond, "No, but I could use some nappies."

Funnily enough, when I was a regular at the football, Bolton Wanderers, formed 1874. This is late seventies, the Match Programme used to say:

Bolton Wanderers

White Shirts

Blue Knickers

Funny that!

[Simoni]

I knew it~!  My wife is not the only RW who refers to mens underwear as "panties".  Right after she arrived here in Texas we were shopping and she asked me if I needed some new "panties"... In a voice loud enough for everyone within half a block to hear.  I almost died on the spot.

yep!  I had the same experience with "panties" at Men's Warehouse! 

After a year in the US, she has the "panties" figured out; however, toes are still "fingers!"     LOL

[wxman]

Here in the UK they are 'underpants'

Or, in slang 'trollies' 'underkecks' or 'grundies'

We say 'pants' for 'trousers' too.

I always wondered where grundies originated. I remember as a kid hearing "don't get your grundies in a bundy" which translated to "don't get so upset".

[KenC]

Jazzy,
Indeed it is difficult to adjust to being married.  Communication, compromise and consideration are very important, if not critical to success.  You have to always consider if the irritating action by your mate is worth a disagreement or not.  It all boils down to what is important to each of you.  The rest will sort itself out.  Best of luck to you.  Don't worry so much about the little things, if the big things are in order.
KenC

(jb now that is funny)

[Phil dAmore]

For example how did people got used to each others habits and for how long they 've experienced  inconvenience , like the woman got used to do everything right and put her clothing always in right places and a guy is more like a guy likes some mess on his table, puts his clothing on the back of his chair throws his panties and socks all over the flat and so on. These are little things , but  all these little things form a family life.  

Consider how it is the other way around:  The man likes everything nice, neat and orderly, and the woman sees nothing wrong with leaving things wherever they happen to fall, or she drops them.

Little things?  Sure they are.  But you know something, it's the little things that will gnaw at you.  Like after you have mentioned for the 5000th time how important it is to put unused food in the refrigerator and she still doesn't get it.

I've have yet to meet a Russian who is familiar with the tale about the straw that broke the camels back.

In my experience (both personal and professional) I can safely say that it's the rare breakup that is brought on by a single major event.  In most cases it's the gradual piling on of little things.

Newbies take note:  Those little quirks of hers that you find so endearing are the same quirks that will cause problems later. 

Sure, everything can be worked out and Love conquers all... but still...

BTW, we just call 'em 'undies' in the U.S.

[jb]

My wife tells me that the name for toes and fingers is the same word in Russian, at our house we have it figured out to be "hand fingers" and "foot fingers".   Incidentally, it's the same problem in German. 

[2tallbill]

I was thinking recently about mini misunderstandings with a partner when starting to live together for example. Even if you had such topic already , I could not find it here.

For example how did people got used to each others habits and for how long they 've experienced inconvenience , like the woman got used to do everything right and put her clothing always in right places and a guy is more like a guy likes some mess on his table, puts his clothing on the back of his chair throws his panties and socks all over the flat and so on. These are little things , but all these little things form a family life.  

How not to show a woman's dispair and irritation before her husband because of these little things for example and should only woman be patient and try to adopt to her husband's habits or he might do something to improve the situation as well

Sometimes people say that routine kills even the most perfect marriage and love between people , anyone did have such situation or it sounds like silly thoughts?

Jazzy, you asked several questions in your post. I say that no these are not silly thoughts. They are things you should definitely discuss. In my opinion these questions are not simply important but MONUMENTALLY important

Does routine kill even the most perfect marriage and love between people?
It can and will unless a very conscious effort is made to avoid it.

I am going to use the Analogy of a fire in a fireplace.
If you consider Love is like a fire, it can burn hot or it can burn slowly, but leave it alone and it will go out, and once it does it's much harder to restart. Passion is like fuel for the fire. Attention is like adding air into the fire like a bellows.

So you BOTH need to do the same things you would do to keep a fire going. Spend a little time alone together everyday. Do small things for each other and notice when the other did something for you. If things are incredibly busy, you have babies, diapers, things at work, and a hundred other things going on then you both have to realize how important it is to spend time together alone every day, but especially on these busy days. Sleep is overrated, spending a half hour talking*, looking into each others eyes, this time is more important than anything you can do to keep the fire alive.

Udachi

Bill

* this half hour talking is not a half hour to go over a laundry list of disappointments that each of you had during the day. It should be about the other person and each other......... how you are finely glad to be alone with them, things like that.

[2tallbill]

Little things?  Sure they are.  But you know something, it's the little things that will gnaw at you.  Like after you have mentioned for the 5000th time how important it is to put unused food in the refrigerator and she still doesn't get it.

I've have yet to meet a Russian who is familiar with the tale about the straw that broke the camels back.

In my experience (both personal and professional) I can safely say that it's the rare breakup that is brought on by a single major event.  In most cases it's the gradual piling on of little things.

Phil, you are correct it is the little things that can make things fall apart but I will also bet it's the little things that make you fall in love or stay in love as well.

[Ste]

My wife tells me that the name for toes and fingers is the same word in Russian, at our house we have it figured out to be "hand fingers" and "foot fingers".   Incidentally, it's the same problem in German. 

Sorry John, I had to call Nadia who is of course, in Berlin doing her German stuff...

English - German
--------------------

finger - finger

fingers - fingeren

toe - zehe

toes - zehen

thumb - daumen

thumbs - daumen as well - although we're not sure here...

[Kuna]

Jazzy,

It's an interesting question...

As others have said we all need to remember the little things ARE only little things and when in a marriage (or relationship) we need to remember we're in a melting pot of two individuals.  One partner may crave tidiness and order... the other may not have been raised to be as fastidious.

I've had experiences at both extremes.  My ex-wife would expect a glass was washed, wiped and put away in the cupboard - even if you'd just gone to the kitchen for a glass of water.  My ex-gf would be happy leaving the dishes until the day after before packing the dishwasher. 

I believe the important thing in relationships are the long term goals, values and the intent with which people live their lives.  If we get twisted about habits we would only ever be happy with a clone of ourselves - but that wouldn't be very fulfilling.

As for "Does routine kill everything"... I actually think some routine can improve our lives greatly.  The longer you are with a partner the deeper your bond should be.  In a happy relationship time is a gift but time in an unhappy relationship is merely a sentence.

Focus on the good things in your relationship and try not to be too short term.  Both partners will have to be understanding but if you reach your destination in tact neither should be worried by "how".

I met a guy in Vienna airport who said something very simple yet very true.  "The degree to which you're happy in a relationship depends on how much you're prepared to put up with"...

No one is perfect...  so we all need to be understanding.

[AnastassiaAsh]

After a year in the US, she has the "panties" figured out; however, toes are still "fingers!"     LOL

  I have struggled with 'toes' too! 

Jazzy, as Bill said, both of you should talk about these things and work on it together, meaning he should try to do what you ask him (1,2,3 small things) and he may have something for you to change too. He should understand if that is important to you then he should make you happy by trying to be more organized. When these things are conquered then can go gradually to other. And also it is important to show appreciation for him trying to do these things...

As to if routine or such problems can kill the most perfect love and marriage? Well, I might say (and I know 20 people are going to jump on me now), that in a true Christian relationship this shouldn't be a problem (other than in the case of adultery and death - Bill, confirm), because marriage is first of all a commitment. Of course passion can disappear but people keep working on it and rekindle it, but never think of a divorce. So this question is interesting and depends in a way on what kind of relationship/marriage people want to be...

[Simoni]

My wife tells me that the name for toes and fingers is the same word in Russian, at our house we have it figured out to be "hand fingers" and "foot fingers".   Incidentally, it's the same problem in German. 

Yep, that was what I was talking about...

Same name in Russian for toes and fingers, so fingers should work for both in English, too.

[Lit_1nce]

If we get twisted about habits we would only ever be happy with a clone of ourselves - but that wouldn't be very fulfilling.

Kuna,
Forgot if it was Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, or something else of the type... but basicly  the story was.. Rich guy has no luck with women, clones himself as a woman and raises her.. then tries to make his move.. and she doesn't like him either !

Gotta love the irony in those shows.

[Jazzyclassy]

Thanks everyone who wrote their thoughts about this little matter.  I am sure that really it is the matter of time to get used to each others habits during the daily routine life, just how to overcome that period of time as smooth as possible, my friend who is married for 2 years already she is my age, was telling me that they have like extremely  hard arguments about those little things and moreover about the privacy of one's own space, how to explain??

well when a person got used to be doing things alone at home and got used to his/her own free way of doing things in the flat when nobody is messing around and promting and whispering some orders -Oh you should do it that way not like just how you're doing it right now- something like this. I know it takes great patience and for person to kick off his/her selfishness away , and to show all the generous qualities and simply to become a different person , cos married life changes person a lot , the things he/she could be able to do being alone, no longer can be done being married, it is a huge responsibility, but changes our lives for the better only (though my mom used to tell me that not everybody needs family and not everyone has an ability and wish to have one and some people are just so great alone , and in marriage they just spoil everything.......)

What about men interfering into kitchen-cookery process and women into tools and electricity - obviously man and woman decide before hand what they are going to do about their house hold duties, but  you all know that before marriage it all seems to be so heavenly great, extremely amazing like in a fairy tale , but once you are married your blue glasses drops so quickly and those things which seemed such a little silly things , grow and become huge problems, I guess there is no other way either to go through it and overcome that period of getting used to each other's habits , individual approach to this or that matter at home and things, probably there are no special preparations of avoiding such period yeah silly thinking

Thank you guys about panties ) I always called them this way , though my boy told me millions of times that they call pants -trousers and undies , or underpants for the knickers (for women)  though I found in  the vocabulary panties for women as well it is a synonym

[Blues Fairy]

Nagging your significant other about small things is actually a way of controlling him/her, sorta like our parents nagged us when they felt they were loosing larger control over our lives.  I thing it takes a lot of inner growing up on both sides to reduce this symptom to a minimum.  If I am confident about mysef and my relationship I don't bitch so much about the unwashed dishes etc. 

[Shadow]

Ste,

You might want to correct Nadia.

Thumb - Daum
Thumbs - Daumen
And never forget that in German any object is always written with a Capital.

Jazzy, It is natural to be worried about how to start living together and how things will fall in to place. For us we have both been amazed at how we adjusted to each other. Within a couple of weeks we knew each others moods, how to help each other or stay out of the way. And we find it kind of strange that we spent such a long time living alone now. Two things are very important. One is love, the other is trust. If you love and trust each other you will give each other the time and space they want and need.

[Ste]

Ste,

You might want to correct Nadia.

Thumb - Daum
Thumbs - Daumen

U sure, Shads?

I think Thumb is 'Der Daumen', Also 'Daumen' is thumbs, as I think I'm right in saying there is no article in German plural....

Are there any German's here?

[ScottinCrimea]

Ste,

You might want to correct Nadia.

Shadow, have you ever made the mistake of trying to correct a RW?   :zappedhim:

[Shadow]

Shadow, have you ever made the mistake of trying to correct a RW?   :zappedhim:

I only correct them if they are wrong. Which means..... never ?

From online dictionary:

flipbook -- das Daumenkino
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you -- ich werde für Sie die Daumen halten
to make a rough guess on something -- etwas über den Daumen peilen
to put the screws on someone -- jemandem Daumenschrauben anlegen
rule of thumbs -- die Daumenregel
to suck one's thumb -- am Daumen lutschen
thumb -- der Daumen
to thumb -- mit dem Daumen befühlen
thumb-index -- das Daumenregister
thumb-mark -- der Daumenabdruck
thumb-print -- der Daumenabdruck
thumb-sucker -- der Daumenlutscher
thumbnail -- der Daumennagel
to twiddle one's thumbs -- die Daumen drehen

Those little differences in German and Dutch catch me once in a while. 

[Turboguy]

Shadow, have you ever made the mistake of trying to correct a RW?   :zappedhim:

That one made me laugh because it is so true.   

I learned long ago the only way to do it is let them find out for themselves and then it is not wrong you just are going to do something else.   The only thing that helps is they are pretty smart so wrong is never in thier eyes and seldom in anyone elses.