Email tips?

[DCMatt]

Hi all,

I'm new here, so forgive me if this has been discussed to death -- I did a search but didn't turn up much.

I decided to learn Russian as a hobby, and through the magic of google, ended up here and at other forums like it. After lurking for a month or so, I decided that meeting women from another culture on the other side of the world would be at the very least a great adventure, and has the possibility to be extremely fulfilling. I've always viewed marriage and relationships in a way that seems to line up more with Eastern European values than it does with the modern big city American views. I very much want to meet the right woman for me and spend the rest of my life with her.

So I put a profile up on EM. I've done pretty well with internet dating in the past, and I've tried to approach it much the same way. I think my profile's good -- I'm getting a lot of email and the majority of my "expressions of interest" are returned positively. The problem seems to happen when I send an email. They'll read it and never respond. This happens whether they emailed me first or just replied that they were interested to an EOI, and I'm writing mostly to women who understand English (self rated as either "good" or "fluent". If they're "good" or worse, I translate it into Russian online and include the same note in both languages). Am I handling this the wrong way? My typical email is something like "Hi XXX. I like x, y, and z about your profile. We seem to have (whatever it is) in common." Then I ask a few questions about her profile or where she lives and close with "I hope to hear from you soon. Until then, Matt" Sometimes I'll open with a joke about how I hope she's not getting too much email from old men.  Like I said, this approach has served me well on the internet with American women. Should I be handling it differently? I've seen some examples of VERY long first letters, and I don't think writing a novel like that is quite my style.

So if you're having success with your emails, what kind of things are you writing about? Maybe my attempt to be low key and nonchalant is coming across as not very interested?

I'd love any suggestions you gentlemen can give me -- I think you've got to get to know a lot of people before you find the right one, and so far, I'm not really getting to know any of them. I'd love to avoid the fizzle a little more often. Thanks!

[Gator]

It is said many times:  BE YOURSELF.  And that includes writing style.

I truthfully have had great success if a woman read my letters (and overlooked my photo  ).  Thus, I feel that the following advice may help you:

-   If you are writing to the beautiful and young RW, just remember that they receive many, many letters.  Probably more than you write.  Your letter must attract their attention by distinguishing yourself from the average AM writer.
-   Writing some in Russian would be great.  However, if you know Russian, why are you using online translation?   Online translations are garbage.  STOP THAT!  NOW!  If the RW knows English better than you know Russian, write in English (and “good English” I imagine is better than your Russian).
-  The first letter must be short.
-   Your paragraphs are too long.  Make it breezy.
-   Do not ask several questions, especially in your first letter.  RW will think you are with the FSB.
-   If you like to joke, punctuate your letter with some humor (provided the woman wrote in her profile that she has a sense of humor).  Just make sure the humor is intelligent as RW consider much of American humor to be silly.   Cracks about “letters from old men” are not catchy – besides, I feel offended.
-   "Hi XXX. I like x, y, and z about your profile. We seem to have (whatever it is) in common."  Okay, if it is personal and does not sound like what the average man would write.  The best way to make it personal is to select one or two qualities and explain why you like them, not just that you like them.
-   Avoid writing RW more educated than you, or construct your letters with great care.  RW place a high value on intelligence and they use education and writing ability as surrogates.
-   Mention something interesting about your job, why you are writing them, or about your plans.  It must be interesting.
-   Write with a style that expresses confidence and generosity, yet without bragging (RW do not brag).  It must be conveyed in the power of your sentence structure and the words you select (but simple words).
-  If true, convey that you will travel to the FSU and it will happen in the not too distant future (provide a target month).

Hopefully I will not be looking for another RW soon.  So I will tell you a little secret. 

I too had women at EM acknowledge my EOI, read my letter, and not respond.   For three such women who really interested me, I sent them a second letter after 10-14 days.  The letter repeated why I am interested and asked why they did not write, giving them two choices:

1.   You are no longer interested.  (I did not say “…because you have found another man” because that is not confident.)
2.   You think I am so wonderful that you are taking your time to write the perfect reply.

I did not say that I need to know or I must move on to other women.  That is pushy.  Two RW laughed and one became important to me.

Hopefully, this advice will help.  Getting them to write their first letter is sometimes like opening a jar of olives.  Once the first olive is out, the rest are easier.  that is misleading because each followon letter needs to be special as you get them to reveal thier true goals, etc.

[Misha]

Hi all,

I'm new here, so forgive me if this has been discussed to death -- I did a search but didn't turn up much.

I decided to learn Russian as a hobby, and through the magic of google, ended up here and at other forums like it. After lurking for a month or so, I decided that meeting women from another culture on the other side of the world would be at the very least a great adventure, and has the possibility to be extremely fulfilling. I've always viewed marriage and relationships in a way that seems to line up more with Eastern European values than it does with the modern big city American views. I very much want to meet the right woman for me and spend the rest of my life with her.

So I put a profile up on EM. I've done pretty well with internet dating in the past, and I've tried to approach it much the same way. I think my profile's good -- I'm getting a lot of email and the majority of my "expressions of interest" are returned positively.

Here are a few words of advice. If you know a bit of Russian, you can set up a profile on the Russian dating sites. They are free and have many, many, many more women. Most, of course, know little English, but it will be good practice for you to chat a bit in Russian if you are studying the language. Some women will know some
English and others will be fluent.

Go to http://www.singles.ru and register. It is a nice site, and I met my wife here.

One good thing about this site: IT IS FREE! And, you also know when the women are online. Remember, most won't reply, but keep sending out messages and someone will reply.

Also, ICQ is very popular in Russia. If a woman replies and you write back and forth for a while, ask her if she has an ICQ. The nice thing about ICQ is that the communication is quick and instantaneous.

I hope this helps! You may or may not find the love of your life on the free Russian sites, but you will have an opportunity to practice your Russian, chat and meet a lot of nice people!

Good luck!

[I/O]

Gator: I suspect you would be much more stylish than I was in the "Introduction Letter" stage, however I agree to a point, that writing in simple English is better than writing in poorly translated Russian. She can and will translate for herself, however I did include as good a translation as I could make and noted it was E-translated.  The point was to demonstrate that I understood she was up against the language thing and was prepared to "Do my Bit" in that respect also.  Usually it was positively received. The point is with any of these things, be it assistance, humour or whatever, don't tell her about it, SHOW HER.

I probably only ever wrote about (IIRC) 20 women and all with the exception of one responded and conversed to at least the third or fourth letter stage.  Over time, I probably actually met with more than half of them. There was a host of others who wrote me first and I did meet some of them also. (All over about a 2-3 year period)

The bottom line is that you HAVE to sell product number one, (You) in a letter WITHOUT going over the top. Don't pretend to know all about her from her profile but you MUST pick a point from her profile that attracted your attention and expand on that.  Again, WITHOUT saying, I liked X or Y about your profile. One thing I found to be a real "Clicker" was to research her city/location a little and ask a specific question on that subject.  Again, not telling I was interested in her location, but showing.

Be just a little enigmatic.  "I am" just doesn't cut it with anyone.  My work is with an X secure company in the Mid management structure, I enjoy my work and have held this position for 10 years and I plan to remain here for a long period Is quite enough. (Security, Stability, Integrity, Trustworthiness etc).  She is not interested in your plans to cut the legs off your boss and move on up. She is not interested  that your bosses name is and his bosses name is and they report to X who in turn reports to Y and you have 16 lackies reporting to you.

IMO an opening letter should be no more than ten sentences with a maximum of 3 paragraphs.  The time for the extensive letter is the second or third letter.  My home is, My work is, My Bank account is, My car is, My hobby is etc etc ain't gunna get a second look from a serious Russian woman. Another big NO NO IMO is posting profile photos including your possesions such as cars houses etc.  You ain't selling your house or car, you are selling YOU.

With Intro letters, I can only speak from experience and the keys IMO is to do exactly what I haven't done here.  You must keep it short and to the point.  There is an old adage which applies, "If I had more time I'd have written a shorter letter".

I/O   

[acrzybear]

It is said many times:  BE YOURSELF.  And that includes writing style.

This is the best advice you can take, if you do meet the right lady your true self will emerge eventually.  I have always found that honesty is the best policy and also keep your letters short and light hearted.  Humor can be good, but remember you are dealing with another culture so something you find humorous might find her thinking you should be incarcerated. One example is my avator-here in America a photograph of me holding a doughnut with a cup of coffee while in uniform would at least get a smile out most people (along with many comments). But foreigners not familiar with Cops and doughnut shops don't see what the big deal is, they think "a police Officer is holding a pastry and a cup of coffee-what's funny about that?"

So here's a recap

1. Be yourself

2. Keep the letters short and light hearted

3. Be careful with the humor (until each person knows each other better)

4. and lastly just enjoy the adventure!!! too many people get caught up in the chase and don't enjoy the scenery.

Just the opinion of a not so humble civil servant
 

[Shadow]

And hereare two more tips.
On almost all dating sites there are 'secret agencies' at work. They put an ad in a local newspaper, get the pictures from the women and put them in to a profile. Then try to get men interested in the profiles.
In many cases the women pay these 'secret agencies', even if they are on a site that is free for women.

This means that only after you write a letter the woman who 'expressed interest' might see it.

Another very important thing is not to sit and wait for a woman to land in your lap. Intitiate the contact yourself with those women that interest you. Chances of getting replies are much higher that way.

[Blues Fairy]

"Hi XXX. I like x, y, and z about your profile. We seem to have (whatever it is) in common." Then I ask a few questions about her profile or where she lives and close with "I hope to hear from you soon. Until then, Matt"

Boring. 
You need to demonstrate more interest, otherwise she'll know she's just your next attempt, preceded by many and followed by many.  As an experiment, in your next opening email try to write something to the tune of "Your smile is simply breathtaking; I'll have no peace until I hear your voice!"  A little more urgency, a little more enthusiasm.  Don't be too guarded and reserved, it's not chivalrous.

[BillyB]

I've seen some examples of VERY long first letters, and I don't think writing a novel like that is quite my style.

I remember reading a poster who said his intro letter is 16 pages. He insisted it was the right thing for him to do. Little did he know, he probably put many women to sleep and his letter ended up in the garbage.

If things start to blossom in letters with one or more women, then ask for their phone number and call. Just don't write an endless series of letters without showing you're serious and capable of making a trip to the FSU. Surprisingly some men have said they written to their woman for over a year before visiting her. The truth is many men get dumped by the women if there's more than a few months of letter writing without talk of a visit.

Many great leaders have used the written word to get their message across to ladies. Benjamin Franklin wrote many letters to ladies, unfortunately some during the time he was married to another woman. Ronald Reagan wrote something like over 600 letters to his wife Nancy. Sometimes he would write a short letter saying "I love you" and leave it on a table in the White house for Nancy to find later. Sometimes he wrote her a letter while they sat in the same room. Nancy cherished her husband's written word and kept all letters to her and even wrote a book about it.

Good advice from the others and make sure you have a good grasp of English. Words like "May" and "may" have different meanings. Based on how you write, many women will judge your competence.

If you can't figure out anything about a person through what they write, then writing letters is a waste of time.

[Nat]

"Hi XXX. I like x, y, and z about your profile. We seem to have (whatever it is) in common." Then I ask a few questions about her profile or where she lives and close with "I hope to hear from you soon. Until then, Matt"

Add some information about yourself And I second the rest of the advices except of this:

-  If true, convey that you will travel to the FSU and it will happen in the not too distant future (provide a target month).

Well, I don't know about others, but when I received a lot of letters from men, let's say, in March, and they were saying they're going to visit Ukraine, let say, in May, the conclusion was: "Aha, sex tourists are picking up their targets" Of course a woman should know that she'll definitely see her virtual friend in the nearest future, but I wouldn't light up this question in the first e-mails.

[I/O]

Of course a woman should know that she'll definitely see her virtual friend in the nearest future, but I wouldn't light up this question in the first e-mails.

Exactly...!!! And..........here in  lies the punchline against the short communication before meeting arguement.  I would never say don't do it that way, but be prepared to get the flick from quite a few who will see you as a casual passer by if not worse.

I/O

[Todd]

I like what everyone else is saying, but I would like to add two more things:

1.  Proofread everything you write.  My wife spent several years teaching English, and she
still notices my typos.  Also, remember that poorly written e-mails are a sign of lack of
interest or pride of workmanship.

2.  Keep moving things along.  E-mail should be used as just one mode of communication.  After
3 or 4 e-mail exchanges, I always asked for a phone #, set up a time, and called.  Sometimes,
after talking for 10 minutes, you can tell there is nothing there.  You can save yourself much writing
time.  Besides, these conversations will provide you with a chance to practice your conversational
Russian.

3.  As part of the first letter, mention that you plan on visiting Russia to cement the language that you
have learned.  It is important to avoid getting classified as a keyboard Romeo.

Todd

[Gator]

Blues Fairy wrote,

"Your smile is simply breathtaking; I'll have no peace until I hear your voice!"

Great line.  A little overboard for my first letter considering my personality, yet far better than “I write you because I like your smile”.   However, whoever writes your example must be able to continue such prose or the woman will know he is a fake.

I have always enjoyed listening to young Hispanic men speak to strange women on the street.  They have 3 seconds and express interesting lines. Like a song, some have stuck in my head (and used in person if I sincerely liked a woman).  Two examples:


“Who stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes”.

“I did not know that angels could fly so low!” [Many RW seem to enjoy being called an "angel"]

I am revealing my little secrets.

[Gator]

Nat wrote,

Well, I don't know about others, but when I received a lot of letters from men, let's say, in March, and they were saying they're going to visit Ukraine, let say, in May, the conclusion was: "Aha, sex tourists are picking up their targets"

Thank you.  Finally an explanation why many of the women I met were sex maniacs.
 
Seriously, I understand your point.  It is not romantic. 

In contrast to a romantic approach, I try to avoid long correspondence because I learned that one meeting can destroy the unrealistic hopes built up with a hundred letters. 

Thus, I would start my letter campaign about 3-4 months before my trip.  And I pushed to advance quickly from letter writing to telephone conversations because I can learn so much more from spontaneous talk than “edited speech” (thank you Simoni for the term).

My travel plans would come at the end of the letter.  If I had not captured the woman’s fancy by then, she would indeed hit “delete”.  For sure my travel plans would eliminate women who require WOVO.   

[Lit_1nce]

Nat wrote,

Well, I don't know about others, but when I received a lot of letters from men, let's say, in March, and they were saying they're going to visit Ukraine, let say, in May, the conclusion was: "Aha, sex tourists are picking up their targets" Smiley

Wow, I didn't think of it that way. I figured the woman would want to know she wasn't wasting time with someone she would never meet. Although I don't give a specific time of travel, just that I am thinking of visiting soon.. hmmm.. I see your point though on how it could be interpreted. I guess I need to rethink some of my strategies.   

[DCMatt]

Wow, that's a lot of great advice.  Thank you!  I'm sure quite a bit of this will make a difference, as will a little more patience.  I just got a couple responses last night.  In my past experience with internet dating, I wasn't used to 4 day response times.  I understand some women only have access to the internet once a week or so, but couldn't figure out how to mesh that with them already having read the letter.

Gator:  I just started learning Russian about a month ago, so I definitely can't translate well myself at this point.  I start out with "I've used an online translator to help write this in Russian, but sometimes they make mistakes, so bear with me," and I include the original English.  I've only done this twice, though, because you're right.  "Good" English is better than my Russian.

I love the "try again two weeks later with a joke" idea.  I'll definitely try that out.

Gabaub:  ICQ is a great idea.  I'll have to keep it in mind for when my Russian improves.

I/O:  I've read a lot of your posts both here and on the other forum I'm reading, and I don't think I've disagreed with any of them yet.  Great advice, thanks.

Acrzybear:  It sounds like humor is one of the more common areas for miscommunication in translation.  I enjoyed the picture, though.  

Shadow:  I've heard about this.  It makes sense, but sucks just the same.  And yes - definitely being proactive.  I'm a go-getter.

Blues Fairy:  That's what I thought was the problem.  I'm having a hard time finding much to compliment most women on, though - I tend to avoid physical compliments until I know someone enough that they know the outside is not all I'm interested in, and many of these girls don't seem to write very much in their profile I can show appreciation for.  Once the emails get going, there's plenty of information to identify with, but it's tough to compliment a list of adjectives.  

BillyB:  I agree completely.  I actually just sent a 3rd email asking for a phone number and to set up a call this weekend.  I've always made better impressions through real time conversation than premeditated letters.

Nat:  My profile mentions that I've just started learning the language and I plan to visit Eastern Europe in the fall or winter.  I was hoping that would show serious intentions without giving the sex tourist impression?

Todd:  I know what you mean about typos.  I've been almost over-editing before I send something because I want to make a good impression.  Last night I accidentally deleted one too many words in an edit and didn't realize until after I'd sent the letter.  Eesh.

[Kuna]

First thing to remember...  the girls you are writing to are just as individual as we are.  No one method works for all.  Your challenge is to just increase you chances of success... not look for the perfect solution. It's hard work but it's worth it!

1. Make sure you're writing to age appropriate girls.  If you're unrealistic about the women you're writing to you will naturally expect a low success rate.

2. Avoid high risk profiles.  Reading the forums here will give you some idea about the types of women you SHOULD want to meet rather than the women you think you might want to meet.  Think with your big head and not your little head and you'll find better quality women.

3. Put something interesting in the subject line of your email.  Don't assume the women are even reading your emails because My Girl told me she gave up on responding to emails because there were dozens per day and no man seemed interesting or serious.  For me it was simple... I put my name in the subject line and she immediately recognised it as a Ukrainian name and thought "Why is this Ukrainian man writing to me".  I'm not Ukrainian but at least it got her to open the message.   

The subject line is more important than you think.  It must inspire her to open the email.   (I have some ideas and if you're interested PM me.

4. Make your email interesting!  Don't talk about mundane things and don't gloat about your assets. Try to understand that no matter how much crap you read about RW being desperate to leave their homes most good women are in fact not desperate at all.  They will have their own reasons for looking abroad but a good woman won't compromise on her ideals.  In my experience I will say that a RW is more romantic than a hardened Western Woman but they they can spot BS from a mile away...  Be serious if you are serious.

5. I say TELL THEM you are visiting...  but Nat is right... don't say it's March and I will be there in May.  I think it's important to tell a woman you WILL travel when you find the right girl but remember they get tired of writing to men that never visit.  Let me qualify this though...  if you look desperate they will lose interest faster than you can book and airline ticket.  A good woman doesn't want a desperate man...  she wants a good man!

6. Learn about her hometown and culture.  RW are proud of their heritage and unfortunatey most men dreaming of a RW haven't even thought about the culture from which she comes.  If you are not interested in her soul you will make a poor husband for her anyway...  If you are interested in the place she comes from, it's history and the things that influence her thoughts and actions then inform yourself and show it.

7. Never think this is easy but if you're serious, committed and realistic you CAN find a great lady who wants to meet you.

Kuna

[Blues Fairy]

many of these girls don't seem to write very much in their profile I can show appreciation for.  Once the emails get going, there's plenty of information to identify with, but it's tough to compliment a list of adjectives.  

Then WHY are you writing to these trivial girls?  Obviously someone who can't even write a decent profile will not miraculously reveal a great epistolary talent.

[jb]

There is another side of this that needs to be mentioned.  My wife told me that before we got together she had written very few letters in her whole life.  Russian families, unlike Americans, tend not to move around so much.  I was raised in a letter writing culture with grand parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, etc., scattered from hell to breakfast around the country, we stayed in touch for the price of a postage stamp in an era when long distance telephone calls were terribly expensive, relative to the then very reliable US Mail. On the other hand, my wife's family was clustered within a single city, within a few blocks or a kilometer or two.  Why write a letter wen you can just pick up the phone?  Even better, hop on the Metro for a couple of rubles and pay your friend or relative a visit.  I gather from her that many Russians don't have the letter writing habit, therefore when they do attempt a correspondence, their letters are rather spotty, disjointed, and hard to make sense of,,, couple this with doing it all not in your native language and the results may not be pretty. 

Once again, it may be a cultural difference thing, before you write a woman off just because her letters aren't brimming with information, stop and think... Writing those one or two paragraphs may have been a mighty struggle for her.

Just my 2 cents on the subject.

[Todd]

Just to amplify what another has said.  Learning about the culture and local conditions is far more important than learning to speak the language.  I know that many people here might strongly disagree with me.  However, most women in the FSU have been learning English since they were 8 years old.  You will never be able to match their fluency.  Also, English is a much easier language to learn.  It doesn't mean you shouldn't try, but, if I were devote some time to planning a trip to Russia or the FSU, I would recommend that you focus on understanding of local conditions.

Todd

[DCMatt]

Then WHY are you writing to these trivial girls?  Obviously someone who can't even write a decent profile will not miraculously reveal a great epistolary talent.

I don't think I agree.  When you give somebody a blank page and say "write a description of yourself that tells other people who you are," the natural reaction is to put together a list of adjectives.  If you look at online dating profiles on match.com or any other major site, most of the profiles look the same.  I do a lot of creative writing, but if I didn't, I'd probably end up saying something like "I'm cute, funny, romantic, musically inclined, (and so on)."  Especially if I had to do it in a foreign language.

On the other hand, when you ask someone "What do you enjoy the most about the area you live in?", "what's your family like?", or "who's your favorite author?" there's a context there and suggestions on what to write about.  It makes it a lot easier to write something interesting, especially if you're responding to something interesting someone else has written.

I'm a big believer that you can find something to like about almost anyone if you get to know them, but I think for most people, who you really are is something that comes out a lot easier in the context of an actual conversation than it does in a simple self-description.

[Gator]

Sometinmes it is best to be short and simple.

"Hi, my name is Matt, I am funny, financially stable, and I have an interesting DNA structure".

[Blues Fairy]

On the other hand, when you ask someone "What do you enjoy the most about the area you live in?", "what's your family like?", or "who's your favorite author?" there's a context there and suggestions on what to write about.  It makes it a lot easier to write something interesting, especially if you're responding so something interesting someone else has written.

You seem like a very intelligent guy DCMatt; I'm curious, have any of these strings of adjectives you've written to evolved into a deep and creative correspondent?  When given appropriate context, do their letters become as delightful as their photos?  

Here's a test I've been giving myself in my online search: imagine you're not looking; would you still keep this person as a penpal?

[Nat]

Nat:  My profile mentions that I've just started learning the language and I plan to visit Eastern Europe in the fall or winter.  I was hoping that would show serious intentions without giving the sex tourist impression?

Well, this approach is quite clever as for me You're learning language - it's a big plus, because it's really pleasant when your partner can speak your native language at least a little bit, you plan to visit the region - it will also be an advantage to catch women's attantion, I think
When it's written in your profile and in complex with other information that shows you're interested in language or culture - it looks very good.
When I mention "sex tourists like" letter, I mean such an approach:
"Hi, I'm John! I'm going to visit your town the next month. Do you have a mobile phone?" (hmmmm.... I'm sure there are some girls who might like such an approach too "Na vkus i tsvet tovarischa net" )

Thank you.  Finally an explanation why many of the women I met were sex maniacs.

Hehe, lucky you!

Seriously, I understand your point.  It is not romantic. 

Yep, exactly Well, you know, I'm a WOVO supporter Though I admit for a man it's much better to do at least WFVF trip.
 

In contrast to a romantic approach, I try to avoid long correspondence because I learned that one meeting can destroy the unrealistic hopes built up with a hundred letters. 

Well, I think it shouldn't be neither long, nor short - it should be enough to basically get to know each other. And then, like you wisely advice, phone chats can help

[DCMatt]

You seem like a very intelligent guy DCMatt; I'm curious, have any of these strings of adjectives you've written to evolved into a deep and creative correspondent?  When given appropriate context, do their letters become as delightful as their photos?

Why, thank you!   

I'm too new to this to be able to answer that question about Russian women, but some of my closest friends here in America started out that way.  In fact, that was how my last long-term serious relationship started.  Certainly, many of them are just as boring as their profiles, but some people just take a little effort to open up.  If I'm not interested after a few emails, I usually end the correspondence and move on.  Your penpal approach is a great way to put it.

When I write to someone new, it's not necessarily because their photo was "delightful" in terms of physical beauty... it's because something about them that stands out to me.  It might be that they wrote something witty, heartfelt, or creative, but many times I write to people who seem to really be enjoying themselves in their pictures.  I have a weak spot for women who laugh well and enjoy life, and that's something you can see pretty easily in photos.  You can tell a lot about someone's personality by the pictures they choose to represent themselves with.

[acrzybear]

Sometinmes it is best to be short and simple.

"Hi, my name is Matt, I am funny, financially stable, and I have an interesting DNA structure".

Or "Hello, My name is acrzybear I am average height of 6'5" and I carry a gun and beat people up for a living.  I am reliable, honest and a guy you could walk down a dark alley with and not be worried about getting mugged" 

I wonder why I haven't received many replies to that ad? ???

Ya gotta have a sense of humor in this life or you'll go nuts