She begged me to come back...

[timothe]

So I am.  I leave for Kiev on Friday for a 10 day visit to see my old ladyfriend who I guess is also my new ladyfriend.  I'm not sure...that's why I'm going to visit her...again.  We're going to spend 10 days in the Ukraine, 4 days in Kiev and 6 days in Yalta.  We're going to find out if there is still a spark between us.  She says she's sure...she's matured.  I say I'm not sure.  It's too easy being single. 

I have always been single and haven't lived with a woman since I was in my late teens.  (I'm 40 now.)  For the better part of my 20s, it was all I could do to take care of myself.  But as I got older, I began to think about "the rest of my life."  Along the way, I dated occassionally but nothing serious.  (I'm a big guy...300lbs.  As such, I didn't date that much.)  I don't know if it was just my luck or if I made my own luck, but I wasn't meeting anyone worth keeping around.  I seemed to be a target of desperate women with a lot of children and hard times and emotional problems.  Admittedly, I might have met some better people if I looked harder or if I took care of myself better, but it wasn't all that important to me.  I was pretty content with life and until I ran into someone that could add to my life rather than take from it, I just wasn't going to try that hard. 

To make a really long story a little shorter, I met a Lithuanian woman that needed to get married before the Visa laws changed in 2001.  She was an exceptional woman (way out of my league, I thought at the time) and I was excited about a woman as I never have been before.  But alas, I wasn't in the best financial situation when I met her and eventually, she saw what she was getting into and bailed. 

Besides her beauty, she was a very attentive woman and I liked that a lot.  One time, she made me Pelmeni from scratch.  (Pelmeni?)  It's a potato with bacon and onions cooked inside the potato.  It took her and her friend 3 hours to make it and they were happy as could be to do it.  In the dating world I lived in, it was hard for me to get a woman to cook, much less slave away in the kitchen for 3 hours...and enjoy it!     

Somewhere along the line, I started searching the web for Lithuanian women and I came across Lithuanian Singles, a dating site.  (and a front for American Singles)  I started writing short letters to the women there and was amazed at the rate of response.  As many of you know, it wasn't long before I had more letters than time to respond. 

I made my first WOVO trip, solo, to Novosibirsk in August 2001.  (came back two days before Sept. 11th)  The first girl was a waste of my time but I saw enough hope to plan more trips.  On the third WOVO trip in October 2002, (I couldn't handle the pressure of WMVM) I met my old ladyfriend who is my current ladyfriend, I guess.  I visited her in her home city of Rostov, met the family, and then took her on a vacation to Sochi.  I made a 2nd trip over New Year's because I heard that a Russian Woman see the new year as a new beginning and I wanted to demonstrate to her that I would be there for the new year.  We started the Visa process shortly after my 2nd visit, but I visited her again in August 2003 with a ring.  (continued)

[timothe]

In November 2003, we were still waiting for the 2nd NOA when I lost my job.  As always, I was upfront and honest with my ladyfriend but maybe in this case, I shouldn't have been.  Shortly after I told her about my situation, we got into a fight and she told me she didn't want to marry me. 

When her package arrived with the interview date in the mail in January 2004, she called me.  (she never calls me, it's too expensive)  She wanted to get back together, but I was hurt and mistrustful.  Also, I was working from home for my new job (I sell software to schools) and I hadn't started making commissions yet.  The whole idea of going through the work of a relationship and the potential responsibility of caring for her and her 9 yr old daughter was more than I wanted to do.  So I ended relations with her and pretty much moved on. 

Fast forward to December 2006.  I have moved from Chicago to Dallas to work in the home office of the same company.  I get a letter from my ladyfriend wishing me a Merry Christmas and then subsequent emails explaining how she thinks about me all the time and she wants to see me again.  I was touched by her humility because she was never much for humility. (always right...I mean she was always right)  So I believed her intentions but I just wasn't sure whether I wanted to take on so much responsibility.  I made plans to see her at the end of May, but always in the back of my head, I was going to back out if there was even a yellow flag. 

I backed out after seeing recent pictures of her in Pytiagorsk in one of her letters.  She had gained quite a bit of weight.  And I remember what her mother looked like and it wasn't pretty.  (although she was a very nice woman)  There were other reasons, too.  The most significant one being that the end of May is the busiest time of year in my business. 

A few months went by and then I got another letter from her.  Actually, I got a phone call first from a friend of hers that lives in Texas.  Then I got another call from her husband.  Then I got the letter.  And the letter was so overwhelmingly wonderful, that I was forced to act on it.

For the 5 years that I've known this woman, I have always liked her.  She's a nice person, outgoing, friendly, and intelligent.  And she's attractive but a little on the larger side.  But in five years of relations with her, I was never really excited about having this woman in my life.  Not in the same way I was excited about the Lithuanian woman.  (Like...I'm totally crazy about you and I'll do anything for you type of excitement.)  But after that letter, I found that I couldn't stop thinking about her and her situation. 

In my response to her, I told her that her letter was so powerful that I had no choice but to either see her or to get her out of my life forever.  She had put me in check...and the only way out of check was to get on a plane and find out if I can make the sacrifices necessary to allow this gem of a woman into my life.  Honestly, I might be too selfish to let it happen.

If there is a purpose to this trip report, it is to show those who are considering the journey to understand that on the other end of the letter, the phone call, the picture, is a real human person...unique from all other people; with both good and bad qualities.  The stereotypes that we joke about on the board will sometimes apply, but the relationships developed are as unique as the people having them. 

Perhaps what I've learn the most since I started this endeavor 6 years ago is that a relationship won't work if you are not mature enough to have one.  I hope I will grow up if I decide to marry this woman or let her go completely if I don't want to go through with it.  More will be revealed...

[ScottinCrimea]

It sounds like two desperate people linking up, but you know, it might just work.  I wish you luck and happiness.

[timothe]

I hope so, Scott.  And I agree with your assessment. 

On a side note, I don't recommend trying to find apartments in Yalta or Kiev 10 days or less before the trip.  The problem in doing it from the English speaking side of the internet is that most of these apartments are 3rd party companies that charge money on top of the money charged by the apartment owners.  Worse yet, you never really know which of these sites will respond to you in a timely manner and do business with you honestly.

I've managed to find a nice apartment in Kiev for $60 per night and a very nice apartment in Yalta for $80 per night.  However, my flight is two days away and I'm still going back and forth with the guy from Yalta over currency exchange rates.  Ugh.

[Misha]

One time, she made me Pelmeni from scratch.  (Pelmeni?)  It's a potato with bacon and onions cooked inside the potato.  It took her and her friend 3 hours to make it and they were happy as could be to do it.  In the dating world I lived in, it was hard for me to get a woman to cook, much less slave away in the kitchen for 3 hours...and enjoy it! 

Are you sure it is pelmeni? My wife and I made pelmeni last night: they look like little dumplings made with meat inside a thin layer of dough and then boiled in water.

[timothe]

No...it's not Pelmeni.  It's Cepelinai. 

She peeled the skin off a potato, boiled it, then stretched some pantyhose over the pot with the potato on top of it while rinsing it with water.  (To get the starch out of the potato.)  Then she mashed the potato and reformed it with the bacon and onions inside.  She then used the starch she ciphoned from the potato earlier to coat the outside of the reformed potato, to keep it together while baking in the oven. 

The two of them must have spent 60 minutes getting the starch out of the potatoes, but the end result was really good, because the bacon and onion flavor could be tasted throughout the potato.

[Misha]

No...it's not Pelmeni.  It's Cepelinai. 

She peeled the skin off a potato, boiled it, then stretched some pantyhose over the pot with the potato on top of it while rinsing it with water.  (To get the starch out of the potato.)  Then she mashed the potato and reformed it with the bacon and onions inside.  She then used the starch she ciphoned from the potato earlier to coat the outside of the reformed potato, to keep it together while baking in the oven. 

The two of them must have spent 60 minutes getting the starch out of the potatoes, but the end result was really good, because the bacon and onion flavor could be tasted throughout the potato.

Okay, that makes more sense. I will have to ask my wife if she knows how to make cepelinai.

[BillyB]

More will be revealed...

Like what? Another 100lbs? Just kidding. Timothe, know when to hold and know when to fold. Sure the letter she sent was powerful but don't be blind to the fact that she may have an agenda. You move to Texas and guess what, her friend lives there too! Now she's all of a sudden got the hots for you. Just make sure she wants the man(you), not her friend or the fact she may have exhausted all other options. Have fun on your trip and hope all works out for the best. Don't forget the tent!

[Bruce]

When it comes to women I've always said this and hold to it:

"Never go back." 

You are hooking up with a girl who surely is using you to secure a better future for her daughter.  She is blind to anything about you but the hunt for a man who could support her and her daughter long enough for her to potentially run if the dollars and life style do not remain significantly better than she has it.

Sure go to the FSU, but start from scratch.  Consider Jack's socials.  By all means drop this gal.  Sorry to sound so negative, but that is my honest opinion based upon the information you presented upstream.

[Rvrwind]

Sorry timothe but I'm in the same camp, I never chew my cabbage twice.
For her to pull a 180 like that does not bode well in my opinion. Something has changed & she is seeing something you are overlooking. I've never been one to go back to a woman I have left. I have never seen a good result from that in any relationships I have seen.
Like Bruce says, she now see's she can be close to her friend, this does not bode well as you are not the reason she did the about face.
Be very, very, very cautious on this one....

[I/O]

Timothe: At 300 pounds you have 50% more to offer than I do at 200 pounds or thereabouts, maybe you'll do 50% better than I have, if you cast your pearls upon the wind.

As for tossing your pearls before the one who tramped all over them before, the oldest literature known to man advises against that and so do I. Memory is often far better than the reality. I maybe a little crude about the wording at times, but I genuinely hate seeing people get hurt and the best I can see coming out of this one is a serious "Face Plant" into the Texas dust for you sooner or later.

I/O

[timothe]

Advice noted and taken.  (thank you)

Twice, I told her that I wasn't interested in marriage but that I would sponsor her and her daughter into my country.  (I would have done it, too.)  She said she did not want to come to the USA just to leave her country.  And I believe her. 

I didn't find my ladyfriend on an agency website or a free website like freepersonals.ru.  I found her on a Russian dating website.  Her ad was written in Russian.  I was the first and only American that wrote to her and after our relations ended in 2003, she never advertised herself on any dating website.

There is no doubt that her friend prodded her to contact me.  None whatsoever.  But I just don't think the lady that I am visiting again has the same motivation to leave her country as other GCGs.  I've never seen it in the time I have known her and I think I know her fairly well.  She's just not that motivated to get ahead.

I think she thinks she won't find another man.  She's not the 28 yr old woman that I met in 2002.  And she's beaten around the bush about her health.  (she has a mild form of scoliosis that causes pain when she stands for too long at a given time)  If she has false motives, it's because of her health and her weight.

For my part, I have zero interest in finding someone else from the FSU.  It is ridiculous to try to get to know someone from another country when you can only see them a couple of times each year.  I was pretty happy being single, actually.  But I will change my life for this woman if I love her...consequences be damned.  In my mind, either she's the one or there is no "one".

[Misha]

Advice noted and taken.  (thank you)

Twice, I told her that I wasn't interested in marriage but that I would sponsor her and her daughter into my country.  (I would have done it, too.)  She said she did not want to come to the USA just to leave her country.  And I believe her. 

But, you can't sponsor her without getting married! You can't exactly bring her over on a work visa, so the only way is through marriage. And, this would mean marrying a woman just for the sake of her immigration. This is not good! You would still be signing a legal agreement with your government and you would still be legally responsible for her financially for years. Also, immigration officials are always on the lookout for marriages of convenience. Do you really want to take all these risks?!?

[timothe]

Wrong Gabaub.  I could file the K-1 and bring her into the country, then let her "disappear" without marrying her.  I would be off the hook financially and she would just be one of the many illegals in this country.  (Of course, I would be heavily scrutinized if ever tried to file another K-1, but I wasn't planning on doing this again.)

That is not the plan now because she said she doesn't want to live here just to live here.  We're past the point of sponsorship as an option.  But at the time I offered it, I was willing to do it because a.) I like her and I want her to have a better life and b.) at the time, I was informing her that I did not want to marry her because I didn't want to be married. 

It seems like I differ from most men on this board because I'm not sure about marriage and family.  (although that's what I thought I wanted when I started this quest six years ago.) Without trying to stereotype the guys here, it seems like most have been married prior to their FSU wives or at least lived with someone for a period of time.  The men here have a frame of reference of what it's like to live with a woman and they want to live with someone and raise a family. 

I don't have this frame of reference and frankly, I'm not sure if I can tolerate other people living with me in my home.  And I'm more than a little scared about the responsibility that comes with caring for one small child and one big child.  More than anything, that's what this trip report is about and I hope I will have time to share my experiences and my emotions during the trip itself. 

[Bruce]

Please do a lot of soul searching.  I look forward to your trip report. 

[Misha]

Wrong Gabaub.  I could file the K-1 and bring her into the country, then let her "disappear" without marrying her.  I would be off the hook financially and she would just be one of the many illegals in this country.  (Of course, I would be heavily scrutinized if ever tried to file another K-1, but I wasn't planning on doing this again.)

Is this really what you want for her? Is the life of an illegal resident a good thing for her?

[timothe]

Gabaub, can you not read?  I stated in my last post that when she wrote the letter, I took the sponsorship offer off the table.  Also, why did you assume that she does not speak English?  Look, it's fine by me if you throw up some flags, really.  But please wait for your emotional reaction to subside before posting.  It's OK to be wrong sometimes. 

Bruce, you've been very consistent with me over the years and I appreciate that.  I'll do my best to get to the internet often during my trip for feedback.  But obviously, I'm not going to be talked out of meeting her because the plane leaves tomorrow morning.

BTW, does anybody know the policy for doing a chargeback on a Visa debit card?  The guy who booked my room in Yalta screwed up the exchange rate and won't acknowledge the error.  (he charged me in pounds instead of dollars)  I'd like to get a refund tomorrow while I'm hanging around the airport in NYC if he doesn't straighten things out tonight. 

(I'm just a ball of raw nerves right now....yowsa!)

[BillyB]

I'm not going to be talked out of meeting her because the plane leaves tomorrow morning.

Is that so? I've got $10 dollars with your name on it if you cancel. :usdeyes:

I think if you call the number on the back of your visa card, Visa should help you. They may call the merchant and verify the actual cost of the room in question or may ask you to fax/e-mail over costs off their web site or e-mail you received from them. If they find you are right, they should not pay the merchant anything over than what is due.

[wxman]

BTW, does anybody know the policy for doing a chargeback on a Visa debit card?  The guy who booked my room in Yalta screwed up the exchange rate and won't acknowledge the error.  (he charged me in pounds instead of dollars)  I'd like to get a refund tomorrow while I'm hanging around the airport in NYC if he doesn't straighten things out tonight. 

I would call your bank now and explain what has happened. They will stop the transfer. Tomorrow may be too late. They may charge a fee for doing so, but much less than what you will pay if you wait too long. Most banks have 800 numbers that you can call 24/7.

[timothe]

I just tried, but their people are gone for the day.  (Chase)  I'll have to call them from the airport. 

The guy is sticking me for about $175USD, so I might just have to let it go.  But if anyone from Eastern Europe wonders why capitalism doesn't work for them, it's crap like this that is the perfect example.   

[BillyB]

As mentioned in your other thread, there are plenty of rooms available in Yalta this time of year. Cancel the guy and don't use his services. Make sure you document where you stayed in Yalta in case you need proof for Chase. If the guy can't produce proof of your signature, he should not get paid from Chase and you won't be billed. That overcharge of $175 would buy one heck of a nice tent.

Everybody should know in the FSU "customer service" and "the customer is always right" is not in their vocabulary. It's getting better but still, the consumer gets the shaft.

Also be very careful in giving out your credit card numbers to anybody in the FSU or letting your credit card get out of your sight, even at restaurants.

[Turboguy]

Not using the lodging might not get him out of paying for it.  Just like a guaranteed reservation at a hotel.  When you don't show you still pay for one night.   They could just say they have a no cancellation policy and he would be stuck.   I wonder if ethics and customer service will ever make their way to the FSU.

[Misha]

Gabaub, can you not read?  I stated in my last post that when she wrote the letter, I took the sponsorship offer off the table.  Also, why did you assume that she does not speak English?  Look, it's fine by me if you throw up some flags, really.  But please wait for your emotional reaction to subside before posting.  It's OK to be wrong sometimes. 

Okay, I admit that I was wrong in that I did not notice that you took the sponsorship off the table. But, who exactly is getting emotional? And, I did not assume that she does not speak English, but I simply was wondering whether the life of an illegal immigrant would be easy even if you do speak English. I could not care less either way, so why would I have an "emotional reaction"?

[William3rd]

Wrong Gabaub.  I could file the K-1 and bring her into the country, then let her "disappear" without marrying her.  I would be off the hook financially and she would just be one of the many illegals in this country.  (Of course, I would be heavily scrutinized if ever tried to file another K-1, but I wasn't planning on doing this again.)

That is not the plan now because she said she doesn't want to live here just to live here.  We're past the point of sponsorship as an option.  But at the time I offered it, I was willing to do it because a.) I like her and I want her to have a better life and b.) at the time, I was informing her that I did not want to marry her because I didn't want to be married. 
 

To bring someone as a K entrant and then let them disappear is doing them a tremendous disservice. The K must marry the man that brought them or leave. They cannot adjust status or change status from the K.

The last one that I saw that did otherwise spent almost 2 years back in Russia trying to get a waiver to rejoin her new husband.

I do not understand the thinking process that would seriously consider acts of fraud against the United States

[groovlstk]

Twice, I told her that I wasn't interested in marriage but that I would sponsor her and her daughter into my country.  (I would have done it, too.)  She said she did not want to come to the USA just to leave her country.  And I believe her. 

Just be careful with this, only she really knows her true intent. I've known FSU women who claimed "I'd never leave my country to be with a man unless I loved him." Guess what, they did and they didn't. Not that your girl may be this way, but never deal in absolutes with FSU women unless you know her, know her, and know her.

I was pretty happy being single, actually.

If you hook up with this woman and bring her and her child over, you'll have to watch this one. Whenever an issue comes up, and issues will come up more often than the sun or moon rises, your first reaction will likely be "I want my old single life back."