Her family

[DKMM]

I want to ask you marrieds something.  1st here is a recap of my situation:

I am getting married soon, and her family consists of her mid 50's widowed mother and a 22 year old unlikely-to-marry sister.  We briefly discussed the subject of her mom coming here, possibly permanently.  I know my fiancee believes strongly in taking care of her mother and has already sent her money in the past.  All her friends send money home too (all Moscow girls with triple the average salary for Russia).  FMIL has no money, lives in a bad area and is facing down a bad Russian pension system.  With no husband prospects are dim.  She does own her own flat in the outskirts of St. Petersburg and little else but does ok for herself for now.

I'm not in favor of immigrating her because first it takes about 6-7 years which means she will be too old to get a job here to support herself and/or qualify for benefits.  We will also have had our kids and settled down by then.  That means I would support her here and that's many times more expensive than supporting her in Russia.  I'm also not wanting anyone but my wife and kids to live with me unless its a medical need/life & death situation (as opposed to a lifestyle upgrade), so I want to let my girl know that's not something to plan for.  I am a man of means, but supporting babushka independently in the US while building a family would be more than I could pull off and retain my sanity.  The X factor is her sister who lives with her mom, cannot immigrate and is likely to become an old maid, but she is doing well in her career so won't need our help either way.  That means her mom would move here not so much out of need but desire.

On the other hand I do respect my fiancee's intention of helping her mom out and don't mind including some support in the ol' family budget. 

What did you do to solve this situation if you had it?  How did you approach it with your wife?  How much if any do you send to family in Russia?  Please feel free to answer any or all of my questions, even if you have not had the conversation at least share your opinion on it.

Thanks!
DKMM

[Muj]

Hi DKMM,

Sounds like you already thought on your preferance, if not first decide.  Next try to find out the extent of her expectations.  Will she accept leaving her mom in St. Petersburg if you agree you help support her?  Maybe a few visits to the US for mom to visit and help around the house?
My wife's parents are secure but many other husbands commonly send money to her parents.

[I/O]

This ain't no small issue. You need to do a lot of talking about this and very frank talking at that. In my particular situation, the ground rules were laid down very clearly from the get go. Immediate family can be assisted in crisis times but that is the extent of it in our situation. What I choose to gift from time to time is another matter. That of course will include the odd holiday ticket and such like but it won't include regular living expenses unless I decide otherwise at a later date.

My wife and her family have no expectations or hopes of me in that regard. I married to create my own family, not to simply extend their family. This is an area I am very ahrd nosed about, but it is fully understood and appreciated by all involved. By the same token her family is not destitute by any means and have a pretty nice lifestyle in Russia so a needs basis is unlikely to develop in the forseeable future.

FWIW

I/O

[DKMM]

Well we are about to spend two weeks together and that's the reason for me wanting to think about it beforehand.  I should have added that I think the sister being left behind is a good reason mom won't want to make the move.  Also, she is making average salary in Russia now but complains about her upcoming pension which is looking to be about $90 a month, I'm not kidding. 

Its strange (to me at least) that they have no extended family nearby, but I think she only has one aunt or uncle somewhere in the south.

yes I am very open to mom visiting us, although that looks like a hard one to pull off given her situation.  And we will go back of course to visit as well.  I'd even buy a dacha there she can use and we can all go stay at.

[Blues Fairy]

Excuse me but why is her 22-y-o sister likely to become an old maid? 

[Lily]

  FMIL has no money, lives in a bad area and is facing down a bad Russian pension system.  With no husband prospects are dim.  She does own her own flat in the outskirts of St. Petersburg and little else but does ok for herself for now.

  The X factor is her sister who lives with her mom, cannot immigrate and is likely to become an old maid, but she is doing well in her career so won't need our help either way.  That means her mom would move here not so much out of need but desire.
 

If the old lady lives with her daughter who has promising career ahead of her, and the two seem to be good along together, why the issue of mom being in need arised at all?

My guess would be that the elder mom should be considered to immigrate if there is no one else to take care of her but her only child who happen to settle down abroad...

[Jazzyclassy]

Excuse me but why is her 22-y-o sister likely to become an old maid? 

a very good question , I also wanted to ask this !

[Serebro]

a very good question , I also wanted to ask this !

I wanted to ask this, too:)
Knowing DKMM my guess is that the girl has probably said once that she isn't going to get married one day and DKMM didn't understand that it was a joke...
Or, probably the girl is too fat/ugly in DKMM's point of view.

[Mir]

Or, probably the girl is too fat/ugly in DKMM's point of view.

As DKMM's fiance is most likely a 10 (even by FSU standards) it is not possible that the younger sis is ugly. Perhaps she bats for the other side?

[William3rd]

Since a USC can petition for mom on the day of naturalization and the spouse has no say in that petition filing, as long as the petitioner can show a minimal income, I reckon that Mom will be getting off the plane in about five years from now to live here if she pleases. The sister will take a few years longer but she will be here as well, sooner or later, if she wants to be here.

[BillyB]

My financee never asked me to do anything for her mom. But she was very pleased when I told her that I will help out her mom when she is with me because MIL makes $20 a month on her job. I will match MIL earnings dollar for dollar. Just kidding, I'll probably send at least $200 a month. I think of MIL as my own mom and don't want to see her suffer. I will also consider sponsoring her family over someday as long as they don't live in my house forever! I like my family's privacy. DKMM, you could build a MIL house next to yours if you live on a big piece of property. It's been done many times in the old days.

If you want to get family over quicker, you could have them apply for the visa lottery. the poster Prince Alfie never been to the FSU to visit but got his RW here quickly through the visa lottery. She needed him as a sponsor, he volunteered since he fell in love with her. And as luck would have it, she won the lottery. Alfie was thrilled. After she and her daughter got to the States, she moved out of Alfie's apartment after a week.

[Jazzyclassy]

Oh Billie, she will definetaly want to be with her mom and sister

I know a family of one girl , she was working with my  lapochka sister and even was at my sister's wedding back in 2001 and I remember we were sitting with her in the car , lovely nice very shy girl:)
so her mom got aquainted with some american guy over LL and he came to moscow several times and then married her and took her mom and her younger sister to America and that girl was about to move too as soon as she would graduate Uni, so first attempt to get visa failed but after sometimes they gave her visa and now she is living there with her family and all happy and healthy and her sister married and she has married there:) and her mom is working at the shop I think I already told this story

I mean it will be easy for DKMM's mother in law to get visa once they live their for sometime together

[Mir]

There you are DKMM, a brand new mom and sis from Russia in 5-8 years, enjoy

[catzenmouse]

There you are DKMM, a brand new mom and sis from Russia in 5-8 years, enjoy

No worries Mir. Being a "man of means" I'm sure they would be well taken care of shortly after arrival. Boating accident or some such would easily take care of the problem...

[Mir]

Boating accident or some such would easily take care of the problem...

Unless the wifey and ILs have contacts with The "Organizatsiya". Some accident might still happen but with a different set of casualties.....

[KenC]

DKMM,
It is traditional for Russians to care for their elderly Moms & Dads after retirement.  Lena's babushka still lives in her own flat but Lena's parents and other siblings all pitch in and take care of her financially as well as make sure she is OK.

We have talked about the possibilities of Lena's parents relocating here, but really, they love Russia and would be unlikely to move.  Like Lena, they have no burning desire to move to America.  They both work and have very good jobs and have no money problems at all.  We truly act like a family and they have been as generous to us as we have to them.  I would have no qualms if down the road, their situation changes and they desire to move here.  They are my family now too and I feel it is also my responsibility to take care of them should they ever need it.  They would do the same for us if it were reversed.  A little bigger house, with separate living quarters would fit the situation just fine.

I see your sister in law as the important factor in all of this.  If she stays in Russia, why would your MIL not live with her?  I too am curious why she would never marry.
KenC

[DKMM]

Ladies,
According to my girl, sis will be an old maid in russia.  Her assessment not mine.  She's not terribly attractive although she would find a man in the US if she lived here and wanted one so I suppose she could there as well.  Who knows but I didn't want to wander into offensive terrority so I didn't ask her why she thought that.  Thanks for the female perspective, its always welcome and helpful.

Mir,
Ura!

William,
My understanding is it could be 10 years before sis would get here, sibling sponsorship is about 6 years backlogged right now.  Am I wrong? 

Don't get my statement the wrong way, I just meant that for my age I'm doing well, but its not like I have Gator or KenC money (and could thus buy her her own house).  A mother in law quarters in my house is what I'm fearful of and I just can't see myself enjoying that, but maybe I could deal with them as neighbors.  I don't live where there is much land available, maybe I can get my parents to build a little house for her on their land though.  My darling E is becoming good friends with my parents and I could see them deciding to do this without my say in it.  oh well that's the risk I run with any girl...

I do like the FMIL and sis, I think they are great and in an ideal world I would love for them to live in my city...

KenC I appreciate the advice.  I also think mama would not come here without sis (my E does not understand how that works yet).  They certainly are not wanting to leave Russia but in a few years when E shows them how nice it is here they might go for it.  Bonus, my city has a large Russian population and organizations exist here to help integrate Russians into their community.

[Bruce]

DKMM - my experience when dealing with BCINS is to always put in extra years in your calculations!   Three years married and no green card in sight..............

[GregfromGa]

My wife has a sister,mother and father in Ukraine. My m-i-l has been to visit us 4 times. It's like having a pencil in my eye while she's here,but it's like having one in both when she isnt. My mother-in-law is so good with our baby. Her help is priceless. She helps my wife with her business,she cooks,she cleans,she washes clothes,she does everything and she is also my wonderful wifes mother. The lady that raised my wife. the lady that is directly responsible for my wife being the person that she is. That being said I know that one day she will probably want to stay. I know it will be years down the road. Of course she makes more in one week helping my wife than she does in 2 months over there as a teacher.

I personally think you're being a little selfish with this notion of not helping out your wifes family. Nothing wrong with that but I'm just giving you my opinion. Hell I feel like I'm on parole when my m-i-l is here. She babysits,wife sits,cleans,cooks and the whole nine yards. You should bring her for a visit.

[Wayne]

If you look at the constitution of Ukraine, which can be found on-line, translated into English, you will find that the law requires adult children to take care of their old parents.  This obligation is removed if one of the parent's parental rights are dissolved.  Anyway, a few years ago I had reason to check into this.

[DKMM]

It's like having a pencil in my eye while she's here,but it's like having one in both when she isnt.

Interesting statement, care to expand on this?


I think if I was being selfish I would not even bother coming on here asking people about it and just tell her no.

[William3rd]

Sibling sponsorship-

Start with your wife. For ease of calculation, start with the day she gets her green card. clock starts for Natz application.

2 years and 9 months later, Natz app is filed. Most natz cases are done with in a year these days. Petition for Mom and sisters can be filed.

Mom is IR and sis is 4th preference. 4th preference quota has been between 10-12 years over the last decade, except from PI where it has been up to 22 years.

Mom's IR petition takes around a year to complete. On the day mom gets her gc, she can petition for unmarried adult children under 2B preference. The wait has been been between 7-8 years over the last decade.

Mom can natz 5 years later. On her natz, she can file for the unmarried daughter under family first - 1-4 years over last decade- or a married daughter under family 3rd-3 to 8 years over past decade. EXCEPT FROM PI.

Simple math- fastest numbers are about 13 years from wife's gc filing to sis's gc, or about 12 years via sis and then Mom. best to go both ways in case something happens to one of them during the wait.

Your actual mileage may vary.

[GregfromGa]

Interesting statement, care to expand on this?


I think if I was being selfish I would not even bother coming on here asking people about it and just tell her no.

  What that statement means is for as aggravating as it can be having her around for 3 months at the time she more than makes up for it by seeing how happy my wife is and the help that she is around the house. It's a built in nanny and housekeeper. Everybody wins. The mother is able to have some more than decent amount of cash to take home and it's much cheaper than paying someone here.

[William3rd]

  Everybody wins. The mother is able to have some more than decent amount of cash to take home and it's much cheaper than paying someone here.

Isn't this statement the crux of the illegal alien debate? Substitute the word mother with your term of choice and there you are. . . . .

[GregfromGa]

Isn't this statement the crux of the illegal alien debate? Substitute the word mother with your term of choice and there you are. . . . .

  I think if all those we are talking about were actually here legally then there wouldnt be a debate. No doubt the system has been broken for many years now. We would love for the sister-in-law to visit but that will never happen because she is Ukrainian and single. In the meantime I cant throw a rock without hitting someone in the head that isnt here legally. Same goes for buying a coke or renting a non-chain hotel room anywhere in America.