The train came off the tracks

[DKMM]

Well its been a while since I posted.  I recently did 2 weeks on my 5th trip with my fiancee.  Things went pretty well but something seemed a bit off.  She said that we still need to use the time we have left to get to know each other better.  Without getting into the details I noticed some pink flags but overall she seemed like she was still raring to go... then she came back and some things happened.

1st I found her facebook site (by her invitation) and she listed herself as single and also had about 60 pictures up, none of which included me.  She even took the pictures from our trips together and left me out.  She made all sorts of excuses for this, first being she didn't want people gossiping and people (male friends) have said really mean things to her about being engaged to me.  Then she came up with other excuses as I pressed her on it, all of which were baloney.  It was clear she did not want to hold herself out to the world as being my future wife.

The week slowly went by with her trying to steer me away from that and then she dropped off the radar for the weekend.  The details aren't important but needless to say I could tell she was not committed to getting to know me better.  I blew up at her and she apologized for not doing long distance relations well and making the efforts to shore up our relations.  Keep in mind I'm really glossing over the details here.

In any case I could tell she seemed to not have her heart in it anymore.  So I demanded an explanation and it came in an email.

In a nutshell she said that we have not had enough time to allow our relations to progress naturally (i.e. in person).  She wants to come here to be with me first before deciding on getting married.  Now before this I thought we were doing great, it was a normal relationship with some flags but nothing I was surprised about.  We were deeply in love, or so I thought.  Even a few weeks ago she reiterated how she wants to spend her life with me and together we can do anything.  But what worried me then was she constantly referred to doubts about being able to leave Russia and live in the USA alone.  She wanted a committment from me to move to Russia if she did not like it here.  I said I would, although its hard to say for certain to be quite honest.

To the point, she is not ready (committed) enough to go move here (but wants to use our upcoming K-1 visa period to see how things would be for us).  Me moving to Russia was never the issue though because she knew all along that marrying me meant moving here.  Maybe she didn't realize what a step that was until now and got cold feet over it.

In any case, I told her that since she's not certain to marry me we should not be engaged and I am cancelling the visa.  She was not expecting that and was upset but also she said she understands how I feel.

We agreed on many things, such as we got engaged too early and did not allow our relations to develop normally but instead rushed everything.  But at the current time she held her doubts and I was ready to get married.  Ultimately I think it is a bad idea to pretend like you are getting married for sake of a K-1 visa.  The waiting period is now about 9 months by the way and that helped in doing us in, because we thought she would be here by now and she ran out of patience waiting.

Now I wonder how one is supposed to do this unless you either spend years taking trips, move to Russia, or have her come here on a student visa.  I tried my best, did everything for her and visited 5 times in 6 months.  She even moved some things here, more things home (to her parents home I mean) and is living in temporary quarters waiting for the stupid visa.

In any case, I saw the flags coming along and ignored them until now.  That is my learning experience.  I also made a lot of other mistakes and she did as well and if I have the time I will share them.  I have no hard feelings because I'm glad she was honest with me instead of hiding things until she got here (and wasted more of my time and money).

[Shadow]

It is hard for you, what I see there can be two things.

1. If the visa was very close, it is usual that people get cold feet. Relocating is a distant dream until it becomes reality. Then it can be a nightmare for a short while.

2. If she had so much trouble in leaving her country and her family from the beginning, it could mean that she did not love you enough.

The only thing that can overcome cold feet is true love.

[timothe]

I'm really sorry, DKMM.  I know the feeling and it really sucks to invest so much time, energy, and money into this adventure with what seems to be no results.  

But you are right...it is better that you end it now rather than later.

In my situation, the woman was too young and I believed she thought she had too many other doors open to commit to me.  As much as I wanted her to be with me, I wanted her to be committed to me more.  

I would tell you there are more FSU fish in the sea, but to be honest, I wouldn't start over from scratch again.  If for some reason things change with my fiancee and we don't get married, I'll just return to the happy single life I had before.

I wish you well.    

[KenC]

Well its been a while since I posted.  I recently did 2 weeks on my 5th trip with my fiancee.  Things went pretty well but something seemed a bit off.  She said that we still need to use the time we have left to get to know each other better.  Without getting into the details I noticed some pink flags but overall she seemed like she was still raring to go... then she came back and some things happened.

1st I found her facebook site (by her invitation) and she listed herself as single and also had about 60 pictures up, none of which included me.  She even took the pictures from our trips together and left me out.  She made all sorts of excuses for this, first being she didn't want people gossiping and people (male friends) have said really mean things to her about being engaged to me.  Then she came up with other excuses as I pressed her on it, all of which were baloney.  It was clear she did not want to hold herself out to the world as being my future wife.

The week slowly went by with her trying to steer me away from that and then she dropped off the radar for the weekend.  The details aren't important but needless to say I could tell she was not committed to getting to know me better.  I blew up at her and she apologized for not doing long distance relations well and making the efforts to shore up our relations.  Keep in mind I'm really glossing over the details here.

In any case I could tell she seemed to not have her heart in it anymore.  So I demanded an explanation and it came in an email.

In a nutshell she said that we have not had enough time to allow our relations to progress naturally (i.e. in person).  She wants to come here to be with me first before deciding on getting married.  Now before this I thought we were doing great, it was a normal relationship with some flags but nothing I was surprised about.  We were deeply in love, or so I thought.  Even a few weeks ago she reiterated how she wants to spend her life with me and together we can do anything.  But what worried me then was she constantly referred to doubts about being able to leave Russia and live in the USA alone.  She wanted a committment from me to move to Russia if she did not like it here.  I said I would, although its hard to say for certain to be quite honest.

To the point, she is not ready (committed) enough to go move here (but wants to use our upcoming K-1 visa period to see how things would be for us).  Me moving to Russia was never the issue though because she knew all along that marrying me meant moving here.  Maybe she didn't realize what a step that was until now and got cold feet over it.

In any case, I told her that since she's not certain to marry me we should not be engaged and I am cancelling the visa.  She was not expecting that and was upset but also she said she understands how I feel.

We agreed on many things, such as we got engaged too early and did not allow our relations to develop normally but instead rushed everything.  But at the current time she held her doubts and I was ready to get married.  Ultimately I think it is a bad idea to pretend like you are getting married for sake of a K-1 visa.  The waiting period is now about 9 months by the way and that helped in doing us in, because we thought she would be here by now and she ran out of patience waiting.

Now I wonder how one is supposed to do this unless you either spend years taking trips, move to Russia, or have her come here on a student visa.  I tried my best, did everything for her and visited 5 times in 6 months.  She even moved some things here, more things home (to her parents home I mean) and is living in temporary quarters waiting for the stupid visa.

In any case, I saw the flags coming along and ignored them until now.  That is my learning experience.  I also made a lot of other mistakes and she did as well and if I have the time I will share them.  I have no hard feelings because I'm glad she was honest with me instead of hiding things until she got here (and wasted more of my time and money).

DKMM,
So sorry for your loss.  It is difficult to be so committed to someone when it is not reciprocated.

I know the wounds are still fresh, but when you feel up to it, a thread from you regarding your mistakes would be a most valuable learning tool for others.  Us old farts can talk until we are blue in the face and most will ignore the advice.  Maybe coming from you, it will make a bigger impact.

Chin up, Dude.
KenC

[Makkin]

 I'm really sorry to hear that DK as you have a lot invested in this. Maybe things will get better for you later and things might become a bit more clear. Hang tough and be glad you are making these insights before it's too late.

Makkin

[groovlstk]

DKMM,

I'm sorry to hear things went south, at least you had the stones to pull the plug and not fall into her way of thinking about using the K1 period as a trial.

As much as she insists that the issue was the inability to spend more time together, more likely her heart simply wasn't in it for any number of reasons.

Find someone who is crazy about you, you don't deserve anything less.

[DKMM]

Thanks guys, that means a lot to hear it from the people who have been there and done that.  I will try and explain what I've learned after I have more time to step back and analyze the flags as they came along and why I managed to avoid them.  What I am sure about is that things were going very well and she was in love and ready for this and something changed recently. 

Like groov said, any number of reasons and I don't really care why to be honest.  Moving to America is not on the mind of every Russian these days, especially upwardly mobile young middle class professionals from Moscow.  She was convinced the USA is not any better of a place to live.  I somehow thought it was better to find a girl not motivated to leave so I knew here heart was in it for the right reasons, but maybe that is not the way to go.  Its probably better to find someone from a smaller city with less opportunities.

My only regret is not really figuring this out earlier because I passed up some VERY nice RW who were waiting for me (some even hoping things wouldn't work out) and all are moved on at this point I'm sure.  I am not ready to start from scratch anytime soon but I do need to get back to Russia soon so I can give her stuff back and she will give me the ring.  Maybe I'll take a side trip or two...

[BillyB]

DKMM, this endeavor is tougher than most people think. I wished I kept a link to a site that estimated 60% of men who get engaged to a RW never make it to marriage. I thought is was a high number but after reading many stories like yours, it may be closer to truth than fiction.

You're a young man and your lady is young too. Of course with young people there is a chance they don't know what direction they want to go in life. Your ex fiancee may be that person at the moment. Or maybe as you two got to know each other more, her bond with you didn't grow. You need to find a woman who will grow with you and have a bond that time and distance will not separate.

Your thoughts of finding someone in a smaller city with less opportunities sound as if you may think a woman who is more desperate will stay true to her man and follow through to marriage. The location where she lives shouldn't be a factor on where the best woman is for you. Look for someone who's into you, period. One who's not ashamed to show your pics off to the World.

[I/O]

DKMM: It's always a pity when something nice ends. We may all have opinions on how or why that is the case, but IMO at least, we would be better to reserve those at least until you have told your story. If you feel able, I see benefits in you doing so from both sides.

May I suggest the rest of us refrain from comment and let the man tell his story

I/O

[Gator]

Sorry man, but this happens.  Everything that you described is exactly how it went between the Cossack and me, the only difference being our ages.

I agree that a woman must commit.  Yet, a man must have patience with a RW.  Having to calm the Cossack and re-sell the thought of moving to America every week (and almost every day when together) wore me out.  I ran out of patience.

At times I have regretted it, yet my move to a woman who knew me for many years, who really wanted me over her other choices (and one choice was very good), and whose feet were hot to move to me....well life is more comfortable and peaceful and restful now.   

Maybe it is not too late for you in that you still can turn this around if you want too.  If she avoided other men while dating you, I say you have a chance.  Remember, it is a lot to give up your family, friends, and country....feet can get cold.

You may wish to bring her in on a K-1, so that she can see how you live.  There are legal implications to consider.

[AnastassiaAsh]

DKMM, i am so sorry for this sad news, but you know it just depends how you look at it. Braking up with this woman might hurt a lot now, but it is in itself an opened door for a right woman to step in to your life.

I understand that women have to think about moving, leaving everything and everybody behind....but you know, it might be strange, but if you ask me personally -

Did i think about moving? - No
Was i afraid to leave? - No
Was i even thinking about being afraid to leave? - No
Was i thinking how much i would miss my parents and friends? - No

What did I think about? - HIM, HIM, HIM, my life with HIM! That i want to be with HIM! Only HIM! That i want to be with HIM NO MATTER WHAT! That i would do ANYTHING for HIM!

Distance, time, visas, moving, language.... - all of this is a TEST. Test for you and for her. Yes, it is very hard, but it is a good test because only after coming through this one can measure TRUE interest in you, true relationship, true love... 

My advice - don't travel for a while, don't see her to give those things back, just mail all that to her, let her mail the ring or something...This can only drag your process of healing even longer. I wouldn't be able to do that.

I am so glad you can come here and talk about this with whole bunch of smart, experienced, freindly, compassionate and sincere men and women.  Most people don't have such a luxury.

[BillyB]

What did I think about? - HIM, HIM, HIM, my life with HIM! That i want to be with HIM! Only HIM! That i want to be with HIM NO MATTER WHAT! That i would do ANYTHING for HIM!

Newbies should pay attention to this. Too many guys settle for women who isn't thinking about HIM enough. There was a point in my relationship that I thought my fiancee wasn't into me but she opened up and told me since she knew me, she has never thought of life with another man. It's a great feeling when you find a dedicated and devoted man or woman in your life.

[DKMM]

I think I told the story as best I could without turning it into a long drawn out story.  You all know how things went at first, wildly up and down.  Gator, you are right it also got old to me and I thought she was just convincing herself she would never be happy here.  Earlier I told her things will be fine and I will support her adjustment here and she told me to tell her that everyday.  Strange eh?

I/O comments are always welcome at any time, I don't even care if people get off topic on my threads.  Some of you busted my chops last time swinging the cluebats and I deserved some of that, but its ok to let me hear what you think.  The words of jb and KenC echoed in my mind when I told her nyet.

When I think about it, I also was not certain enough in her (which is what you guys were beating me down about months ago).  Its stupid to get engaged so early but I did it simply because we had to in order to get the visa running.  We were in love but it was not stable enough to deal with all the pressures of her moving here.  It was the wrong reason to get engaged and ultimately led to my predicament.

It is pretty hard to get to know someone in a normal way by making trips to go see her and email/chat/ and phone.  She claims she knows me pretty well, and I do know her but she was not trying as hard as she could.  She also pulled some antics saying that I need to be stricter with her (like Russian men) and not let her act however she wants.  That's rather childish but I seemed to handle it when I needed to.  Also at times she would speak to me in such a harsh manner, but that could be a Russian intonation.  Guys, its hard to know what is a red flag behavior trait and what is just a RW characteristic!  Too bad they don't come with guidebooks...

I don't have time in the next 4 months to find another, and the money isn't a factor.  Her words were "I need to come live with you in a normal setting before making the biggest decision of my life".  I can't really blame her for that, although I'm pissed she just came up with that now but that's how she feels so I can't change it.  A rational person would feel the same way she does given our circumstances.  The more I think of it, I wanted to give it a trial period as well.  According to her, that's what people have done that from what she reads on her version of RWD (maybe its AMD?).  I could just see her more before the visa, but in her words she needs to see what life is like here before committing to it. 

So, now I am considering using the K-1 trial period since I don't have much to lose by trying and everything to gain if it works.  Part of me says no way jose, and part of me says why not, I just turned 30 its not like I'm running out of time.  I know the K-1 without a committed woman is recipe for failure, but it is a better chance than not trying.  I want her to be happy, if she wasn't going to be happy here maybe its good to go into it knowing it might not work out.  But then what's the point in trying because that almost guarantees it will not.  I know the wisdom of the board is firmly in the no way camp.    Her last words to me were "lets think about this" and I will before trying to speak to her again.

[Jumper]

DKMM-

sorry to hear that man .........  

as you mentioned, the actual reasons probably wont really matter..

it's rough now , but the old cliche is true, time does heal all wounds..
for your own benefit,
definantly take the time you need ,before starting over seriously with anyone, from anywhere?

I somehow thought it was better to find a girl not motivated to leave so I knew here heart was in it for the right reasons,

I still believe you were correct to think this way..
don't let a circumstance that could just as easily happen with a local girl,,
jade or change your fundamental views.


my wife did not want to relocate, did not have a need to,
would have prefered i move there, and yes,
had many worries about relocation..
I felt this was completely nomal and the kind of situation and reaction i would expect.
She was happy to be moving to be with me, but reserved and more than a bit worried  
at the changes and challenges.. but without any doubt moved to be with me.

For what its worth, i would not look intentionally for a different situation,
simply to improve my odds that a woman actually relocate,,
as it would not improve the odds of the marriage being healthy long term,
and might decrease them.
one of a million things to think about i'm sure..

it sounds like you are going to take time to reflect and it all..
I wish you good luck when you feel ready to start again..

[Gator]

its hard to know what is a red flag behavior trait and what is just a RW characteristic!

And what is simply a difference in personality and history as a unique individual....they are all different.

Ten unrelated points:

1.  She is not feeling what Anastasia felt, that being love.  The absence of love would bother me.  It is important to have won a woman's heart if she is to build a loving life together with you.

2.  You have  doubts about your own feelings.  However, do your doubts about yourself have their source in the fact that she is not expressing love?  Two people in love feed off of each other.  If one person is not in love, over time the other person's love will diminish.

3.  You know her past.  Has she ever fallen in love, true love, with another man long before meeting you?  I know she was married briefly.  How long did it last?   Was she truly in love?   The history of her past failure will influence her current relationship in unknown and profound ways, particularly in regard to trust.  Trust can sometimes be more difficult to earn than love dependent upon a woman's history.  

4.  She has no kids, thus she is not risking that much by marrying you.  She can always return to Russia.  The Cossack was always concerned about whether I would be the same as every other man in her life and abandon her after a few years, something she could not risk in a strange land with two children to feed.

5.  She told you a lie about her past marriage.  It now appears that she is forthright and honest.  That is a good sign even though she is not telling you what you want to hear.

6.  Has she detailed her goals and, if so, are they aligned with your goals?

7.  You have some family business that you need to protect with a pre-nup.  Have you done this yet?  If not, you should do this soon and this may be a real litmus test.  If yes, perhaps this has been a source of her misgivings.

8.  You will need to coach her so that she does not portray the K-1 to the embassy CO in Moscow as a visit.  

9.   If you are really trying to make this happen, it will be a good sign to her of your commitment.  If you vacillate and show that you can easily pull the plug, it will demonstrate to her that you are not fully committed and that she can not depend on you.  It is a surrogate for a test.

10. If you knew this woman in the US, you would not be moving so fast.  Yet, this is the nature of the AM/RW process unless one can get a student visa.  You are young but are not new to RW.  You have spent more time than most men have with their RW before marriage.  Some of those marriages worked, some did not.  So you are in a better position than most men to answer your questions, yet there will never be a guarantee.  And in the end her sense of commitment and the ability for the two of you to communicate are the most important factors.

[I/O]

So, now I am considering using the K-1 trial period since I don't have much to lose by trying and everything to gain if it works.

OK you were determined to kick the door open so I guess you feel you can deal with the truth. The truth is you have EVERYTHING to lose by going K-1 now. Most importantly your own integrity. Geezus, I have heard some BS on here but this has got to be close to the top of the steaming pile.

The next thing I would point out is how are you going to truthfully answer your future wife when she asks about this situation because bet your left nut, someone, friend or family will spill it at some future time. "Oh honey, it's alright, she said she didn't want me, but I got her over here anyway just in case she changed her mind, but it's different with you because I am serious with you".

DKMM Your integrity and credibility is on the line here. RWD people are unimportant in the bigger picture but you will need to be your own critic in the future as will your family and friends. Further, with a plan for failure, such as this, which you admit there is a very high percentage chance that will happen, what are you doing to improve the image of guys out there in this caper. I can imagine a reporter or feminazi having a field day with your story after the fact. Really dude, how desperate are you to have some fluff in your bed?

I am not saying your relationship is beyond salvaging, that is up to you two, but the methodology your are suggesting is ridiculous in the extreme.

I can tell you that I was pretty cruel when mine went through the doubting phase which we all do at some stage of the relationship. She had no doubts about me and what she wanted, but she did wonder about her own strength to leave home and sustain a new life. I simply told her to remain in Russia until or if she was certain in her own mind. Simple, no right of appeal and no backing off on my part. That was where I was prepared to let it end if need be, No if's but's or maybe's.  Interestingly enough she confided in me later that it was my sternness and resolve that really shook her up enough to think through clearly what she really wanted and she hasn't looked back since. (Her words, not mine)

As far as commitments to live in Russia if she doesn't like the USA.............good gracious man, how long is the string she has you on? Monkeys are kept on longer strings than that. Tell her you love her (If you do) and that hasn't changed, but she can figure all the rest out for herself WITHOUT your help and if she decides she wants you, she knows your phone number (or email). Then get on and do your own thing.

I can't imagine at 30 with access to reasonable money, you could be so ugly that you don't have options. Or do you? If you don't then you shouldn't be in the international arena anyway. Benefit of the doubt suggests you would have options. Take time out and then pursue them. If she steps back into the picture, that's up to her but my guess is she'll fade into the sunset where she should perhaps have been when she lied to you months back.

Your call man, but it is "Man or Mouse" time IMO.

I/O

[Photo Guy]

It's a tricky situation. I've sort of been there, done that. Our K-1 period actually could've ended with a committed marriage, but two unexpected factors tore us apart:
1- her bad health
2- her possessive/dependent father

I'll warn you that those 90 days will be a pressure cooker, because she will be faced with dozens of challenges, ranging from culture shock to the loss of her friends and family, to an evolving relationship with you, including the huge marriage question. I'm talking Stress City.

But, only you can decide if she is worth that gamble, that difficult course.

The only other course now that might be better, would be for you to spend
an entire month with her in her town. (..Something I should've done)
But, even in that case, the situation could be a high-stakes process with
tons of stress, or she'd come to the realization that she loves you
and can't live without you.   And that beautiful romance could also blossom
if she came here. Sometimes love takes time....  Do you want to live
without her? Is she capable of loving you? Or is she indifferent?

[BillyB]

DKMM, the k-1 isn't a trial period. Know your woman before proposing next time. At this moment you don't know if your fiancee is right for you. Cancel your k-1 and move on. Your ex-fiancee will then respect you as much as the strict Russian man she wants you to be. You can always get another k-1 with a waiver. It's easier than you think. Don't waste time, the perfect woman is out there and she's waiting for you to make your move. Make sure she has her life in order and act together and doesn't have antics needing to be corrected by you Russian man style.

[Jazzyclassy]

again I pressed the wrong button here sorry  my post is down there

[Jazzyclassy]

Dear DKMM

It is all sad and of course such a pain to your heart

but anything what happens it happens for the best really , in our life you will never find a person who never was broken hearted and never had any of his dreams shattered .

You became wiser and remember that pain strengthen the character it makes you more generous and makes you understand and feel for others , it teaches you a lot. So take it as a positive thing

Plus you know , it is hard to live with a person who is not giving anything in return no emotions, no love , am not talking about any material things even here
Relations when only one person is giving trying so hard to please his partner , those relations wont survive, I know you are completely sad and you feel torn apart, as you really loved her and had serious intentions, but unfortunately for her it was just a game, that is why it was obvious you would not have been together.

You should feel relief as you ended the relations before it was too late, you are still very young and at the same time you are very experienced and you wont rush so much into something you do not know, you never knew her, though she learnt you very quickly and in some way used you , used your emotions , time and money

She kept pulling the legs of her puppet in that same places, she did all those situations for you to be nervous and all messed up waiting for her , meanwhile she was pretty much calmly occupied with her own life. I think in the end she knew that such result was coming up and in order to portray herself as a victim she just provoked you to step aside of this relations, firstly for you to end them , not for her.

So everything ended up as a true classic "love" story where you occurred to be somebody always nervous and worried by this you spoiled the relations and she occurred to be like innocent.When as the matter of fact she arranged that all perfectly.

You are very spiritual person , there are always things to talk with you about, I think you should be encouraged never to lose your hope and dream to find somebody suitable for you , as I already told you, you  need a woman who will support you and guide you in some way , you are that type of men who can not deal with Lady Vampiress or Lady who is jumping around from one party to another one, do not strive to have such girl , as your temper is different, you will always be worried about her being drunkard somewhere , while you are sleeping in your warm bed.

I know you will be happy , you deserve it , everyone does!

Things will be great, happy birthday to you

Let it be the best birthday in your life , spend it with your family and I wish your hopes and dreams to come true and for you to value yourself and love yourself

My hubby and I we truly feel for you , everything will be OK 

[DKMM]

I would like to respond to Gator's 10 points.

1.  The love has been kind of hard to see sometimes.  Its there then not but mostly its hard to tell from all the way around the world.  Mostly its been there.

2.  Could be true

3. Yes I think she has at least once.

4,5. agreed

6.  Yes this was the foundation of our relationship from the get go.  We have completely compatible goals, but that's not hard because I mostly want to create a family with a good girl.

7.  I mentioned a prenup and she said no problem she would sign it.  However the business is structured so that there is no danger and i dont need a prenup.

8,9,10 yep yep and yep

I/O, you are right on there.  Yeah I know about the integrity thing, but I have to admit the reason we got engaged was for the visa.  She probably said yes for the same reasons.  I obviously did not know her well enough to commit the rest of my life with her.  And for me, unlike some of you, that means someone not just to be with but to have children with and create a family.  In my book, that's a one shot deal and I was foolish to jump the gun.  Yeah I know I have options, there is a girl here that are literally calling me as I write this.  Word got out quick.  But I want nothing to do with them, I'm totally sold on the RW if not this girl then another.

I've spoke with her some more about things.  She is quite sure that this is more about her not knowing if she can handle life here instead of just life with me.  She is really trying to explain that her personality might not be able to handle it and she is sure i would be miserable with her if she can't hack it.  And she warns that she has a bad side to her personality and she isn't sure if I can handle that when she comes here and it comes out because of the stress and problems. 

At the same time, our conversation shows she is not indifferent to this at all.  I think she has a good faith reason to want to try before you buy.  I have no way to spend a lot of time with her any other way, so its trial visa or forget it.  I'm not sure at this point which is better for me, she is worth a try but I have to think it over some more.  No offense PG, but I don't want to be on here doing the same story you did. 

JC thanks!  I am not really sure that she did all of this just to use me (if she did, it was a poor effort) but I can appreciate your point.

[Shadow]

DKMM I agree with BillyB that looking for a more desparate woman is not the way to go. If your (ex) fiancee had been motivated to leave Russia it would only have delayed the current situation. Go to find a woman that feels like Anastasia, where every hurdle is not important if it leeds to two people being together.

[BC]

I think getting married in RU helped our relationship, not to mention a quick pregnancy on top of it all.

In the end, the power of our commitments to each other and to our children was greater than the 'packed bags tests'.

Had our boat been in shallower water it might have been too easy to just chuck it.

[jb]

I will come out of retirement to comment only because DKMM mentioned me by name up thread.  Truthfully, DK, I don't remember cluebatting you too much in previous threads except to warn you of your own lack of certainty about the engagement.  You were the one who was gong to buy a fake diamond ring,,, "just in case", IIRC.  Any time there is a "just in case" wandering around in your head then you aren't ready for a committed relationship with the woman.  She had somehow communicated a red flag to you that you probably perceived, but didn't recognize.   This is kind of a difficult area to describe, but it happens when one half of a romantic partnership is not fully on board with a 100% commitment.  It's the sort of uneasy thing you feel in your bones, not the thing that you deliberately mull over in your mind, some men call it a "gut instinct", you should pay attention to it. 

Personally, I'd say you should count your blessings here.  It's far better for the train to come off the track at this juncture than down the road after marriage and a couple of kids are in the picture.  My vote is for calling off the K-1, I think this relationship is irretrievable broken.  The multi-photo (60) Facebook web page with no mention of her being engaged tells me she has, at least in her subconscious,  put herself back on the market and written you off.   IMHO, if you do the K-1 with this girl you will more than likely end up being just another footnote in her life history, just like her 1st husband.

'Sup to you man, but I think you are playing with fire here.

[Turboguy]

No offense PG, but I don't want to be on here doing the same story you did. 

No offense DKMM, but that is exactly what you are doing.  The words are the same as P/G and Larissa.    I didn't talk about it as much as P/G but the words are the same as T/G and Luda and the outcome will be exactly the same.   It will be 90 days of a mix of romance and turmoil and a plane ticket home for her. 

Go back and reread P/G thread and you will find the same thing, questions about if the relationship is right, the worry about life in America and wanting to check it out before making a decision.   Your future can be foretold reading Doug's thread. 

The cold hard reality is that a woman who is not committed will not handle the adjustment to America.   If she is trying to make up her mind about you and life here and she is trying to handle the adjustment it is too much.   The things that make a RW handle the adaption is just as Anastassia mentioned, just and VWRW would tell you, it is a deep and total love of their man and the willingness to go through the rigors of adapting to a new life because of that love and the desire to be with him.