Teaching moment, learn from another's missteps Part 1

[Taz]

Well it’s been a long weekend. Lots of things going on but I thought I try and get at least half way through the last trip of JD. For those of you who have read through this thread, you’ll remember JD has a bit of an OC personality. He definitely doesn’t act his normal self whenever he is outside of his comfort zone.

After JD’s next to last trip (to Crimea and Kharkov), JD decided that Kharkov didn’t have enough women to suit him and that there weren’t enough agencies in Crimea to make it work for him there. He repeatedly refused my suggestions to use the local chat sites or a site like dating.ru since he does have some Russian ability. He insisted that there be an agency in the area that he could use to meet women and at the same time he typically hates agencies and thinks they are blood suckers. I again implored him to go au natural and use the local websites that the locals would use.

I even suggested a return back to Russia but he ignored that because of the visa cost. I said "What is the cost of a visa compared with finding happiness?" He was still ticked off that somehow he managed to spend about $5,000 on his previous trip. Part of that was he offered to pay for my room (4 days) in one city in exchange for all the help I’ve given him as well as our train tickets. I also took care of booking everything for us and spent literally about 40 hours of my time arranging everything.

I must interject something about our last trip that I didn’t feel like diving into in the last episode. I used a service that was able to get all of our train tickets in advance and I lined up all our transfers. Typically you need to have a passport now even to buy train tickets in Ukraine. This is more of a challenge if you aren’t there of course and some ticket offices won’t accept an agent buying them on your behalf if using a photocopy.

JD didn’t seem to appreciate what a pain this could be. The service I used cost substantially over face value BUT we had excellent seats and the itinerary I wanted to make best use of our time. This was also during a time of peak season when tickets are hard to get. JD didn’t seem to appreciate this during that trip.

We were in Crimea and he wanted to change how many days we would be there before going to another city. I said it might be hard to change our seats on short notice. He didn’t think it would be any problem. He got an agency director to go help him as I was tired of dealing with travel issues. They wouldn’t change our tickets WITHOUT our actual passports even though we had existing tickets.

He couldn’t get the day we wanted because (surprise, surprise) it was freakin’ PEAK SEASON and trains into and out of Crimea are booked many days in advance. Finally he got something but I really wish he hadn’t. He came back complaining about how either the agency “fycked us” or I ripped him off for the ticket prices. He said “See, the price of these tickets is only $32 we paid the agency about $50!” I had already explained all this to him but I tried again. He didn’t mind that he had to wait almost an hour in the hot weather to get them either and 30 minutes on a hot bus there and back.

I explained to him that I had to pay the Western Union fees, they got us GREAT tickets and everything went smoothly. I said I know I paid over face value but they did things that other people weren’t able to do for us AND all the transfers went smoothly and they didn’t screw us on any transfers. We also had everything lined up in advance, great seats on the train (as I requested) and the exact itinerary as well. They were very professional and I wanted to use them again. It was worth it, they were very thorough and it reduced my stress.

He was still pissed off about his perception of us getting ripped off. We arrived at the train when we were supposed to leave. As luck would have it we were at the most distant wagon from the main platform. At that moment I knew it was a CF! He obviously paid no attention to wagon number and I am sure that was just the beginning. Mr. Murphy rose up and bit him in the arse and got mine by association.

Good old JD had really scored good seats for us. I hadn’t looked closely at the tickets until actually looking for the wagon. Then it dawned on me but I didn’t say anything to JD. We boarded our wagon and went down the corridor. The agency director was with us. I asked her in Russian if what I thought was true, was actually the case. She said yes. She told JD repeatedly about the location of our coupe and what wagon but all he wanted to do was complain about how the fycked we were with the tickets we bought earlier in that we really over paid.

We had a long overnight train ride on a hot night. Good old JD had scored us a wagon with a non-working AC unit. But wait, it gets even better (in reality worse). Some of you might already no how it could have gotten “better”. JD had managed to even one up himself on this. He had scored us front-row seats right by the toilet!!!! All night we would have to smell the stench from the toilet which was bad while moving and unbearable when stopped at the train station. Combine that with the inoperable air condition and it ratchets up a notch. The coup de gras was the frequent traffic into and out of the toilet all night long with the accompanying sound effects.

Oh yes, JD had done us proud. He realized how badly he had mucked it up. He would have gladly paid the premium I did to get flawless tickets. He said there is no blankin’ way he stay in this car. Little did he know how bad it would get. He wanted to change the tickets but nothing else was available. This was it or we would have to hire a car to drive us.

The stench was so bad I wanted to barf. JD was turning green and I could believe how badly he screwed this up. Again he ignored what the director had told him. He was focused only on the difference between what I paid and what the tickets could have cost. We were stuck on the train and it was a miserable trip. We finally arrived out our destination and I couldn’t wait to get off the train. No AC, wretched toilet smell, no chance to sleep and minimum 33C degree temps and I had was pretty ticked off at JD.

So that was the trip previous to this one I am writing about. JD for the rest of the summer complained about how much our tickets cost and the room and on and on. He complained ad nauseum about ALL the money he spent. Finally I got tired of it and told him to STFU! Quit your bitchin’. Next trip I’ll pick up our transportation and he finally shut up.

So here we were, planning the next trip. I had been working about 100 hour weeks for several months on an important project that was nearing completion. I had little time to deal with planning and while I would have liked to plan to meet a woman in advance (or at least line up someone interesting to meet) I didn’t have any time to do it.

Now it was getting into winter. Snow was in the forecast and I told JD that I didn’t care where we go but I wanted to go to Crimea for at least a week and relax. I had also heard about Lugansk and wanted to see if the reputation was true. I said in general I didn’t care where else we went as I wasn’t very interested in meeting women as much as I just really wanted a break from work.

JD had lined up a few cities he wanted to go to. When I checked the railway tables I could see that there was no easy way to get from point to point without maybe taking a taxi to an adjacent town and then taking a train from there to the other city or vice versa. I suggested renting a car. He said no fykin way. There was snow in the forecast and I said it wasn’t an issue for me.

I did the quick math calculations and based on where we wanted to go, the car rental was a better option than trains. Finally JD agreed but was a wee bit nervous. Ok, maybe not a wee bit but incredibly nervous. He didn’t like going on local roads much to begin with but he finally relented as really the only other option was to fly and he REALLY didn’t want that.

Time for a brief intermission, I’ll post more later.

[Alyona]

More! More!  The suspense is killing me!

Alyona

[I/O]

More! More!

Alyona

Not the first Eastern woman I have heard something similar from.......................oops, did I say that?

I/O

[Taz]

More! More!  The suspense is killing me!

Alyona

Ok, ok. Ya pishu bolshe, kogda ya magu.

I didn't plan on writing a novel when I started out. It demands a lot more time than I originally planned.

[LiveFromUkraine]

Typically you need to have a passport now even to buy train tickets in Ukraine. This is more of a challenge if you aren’t there of course and some ticket offices won’t accept an agent buying them on your behalf if using a photocopy.

Great story Taz and I am sure it will help a lot of people that really take what you say to heart.

The train tickets have changed in Ukraine.  No need for passports anymore.  I just wanted to let you know so you wouldn't be ripped off if someone tried to tell you otherwise with a hefty fee.


Cheers,



Thomas

[Taz]

Thanks for the update on the train tickets. I personally didn't feel cheated as I feel you should compensate someone for their time. JD was of a different opinion. I knew I could have done it cheaper but it was worth it for the time saving and stress reduction not to mention we had great locations on all trains until JD got involved. 

In the next few hours I will post the continuing (mis)adventures of JD so stay tuned...

[Taz]

Ok, finally JD and I are back in country. Weather isn’t looking too great. It is snowing and JD is visibly nervous. Snow is coming down very steadily as we arrive. He came from a warmer climate than me but I still have yet to see snow or drive in it that year.

JD’s flight arrived sooner than mine and I find him waiting for me as I exit customs. He immediately exits the terminal while I go to find the rental car agency. It is obvious he is a bit wound up as it looks like he is already starting to chain smoke again. If he is smoking more than about a half pack a day, it means he is pretty tense from what I’ve been able to tell.
 
At least it appears that he has been able to sleep. I had to work practically until the moment I left. JD got some sleep on the plane but I haven’t slept in about 36 hours and now I am looking at least another 10 hour drive to our first stop, Zap. The 10 hour estimate assumes the weather isn’t too terrible and the roads aren’t too slick. Who knows what kind of POS car they will give us but I requested several times that I have a car with snow tires.

Finally JD comes back inside the terminal and finds me at the rental car. I just found out that the car I requested isn’t available. Now there is a surprise…something that DIDN’T go according to plan in Ukraine or Russia. Who would have thought????

So now I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. JD is thinking we’ll get some POS car without snow tires. Probably a Zhiguli or worse he reckons. First thought comes to mind, what could be worse than a Zhiguli? Then it pops into my head. The only car that could possibly be worse than a Zhiguli would be either a Yugo or a Trabant! Thankfully both of these are long out of production so I am not too worried.

For once the heavens have parted and actually smiled upon JD (and me) for a few brief moments. I am sure it but a trap to lure us into a false sense of tranquility but I’ll take it anyway. We have actually been given an upgraded car. Amazingly we are given a fairly decent Hyundai that has AC (like we need it in the winter), a real radio and most wonderful of all; snow tires! I am absolutely stunned. It must be my birthday, a bit early but it will do anyway.

JD has brought this monster suitcase that won’t fit in the trunk. I determine that his plan will be to smuggle a woman home in this monster sized bag rather than deal with the idiotic visa process. We put his main suitcase in the back seat which leaves no room for anyone else.

I get our luggage settled into the car; plug in my cell phone to recharge it and I am pretty good to go. Then I realize there is no snow brush or window scraper to clean the windows of the car. It is totally covered in snow and ice. I look further and there is almost no fuel in the car. I make sure there are not major issues with body damage as I carefully inspect the car with the agent. The agent notes the tank is empty and we can bring it back the same way. At least there is no way they can charge us 4 Euro for each liter as apparently we’ll be lucky to even make it to the gas station before running out of fuel.

I’ve cleared enough snow from the car we can finally drive someplace. First time I try the brakes I realize we weren’t quite lucky enough to get a car with anti-lock brakes (ABS). This will be an issue later I’m sure of it. First thing I notice while on the road is that all the road signs are in Ukrainian. You are likely thinking “Well, duhhhh! You are in Ukraine, what did you think?” Yes we are in Ukraine but depending on where you are at exactly, there may be quite a few signs in Russian still. It takes me a fraction of a second longer to read it than it would in Russian. This is often time I don’t have while on the road when you have to make a quick decision on which road to take or reading the traffic information signs.

While of course there are similarities between the two languages, there are often crucial differences on key words as well. Of course city names can change a bit but usually are pretty close. Regardless my comfort level has dropped a bit as we are in the area where there is more Ukrainian than Russian.

Anyway we practically coast into the gas station on fumes. Fill up the car and realize gas prices have gone up quite a bit and are more expensive than the US. Compared to last time in Ukraine, gas was cheaper than the US. The little Hyundai has also sucked down about $60 worth of fuel to top off the tank. In the back of my mind I am hoping that it gets pretty good mileage. I prepaid for an apartment in Crimea and most everything else so I didn’t bring a lot of cash as I typically don’t need it. I hate using credit cards or debit cards while there as I had a REALLY bad experience with fraud there so I avoid them using them.

It is still snowing and the roads are kind of sloppy. We go about one kilo and I try to clean the windshield. Of course there is no washer fluid. This really didn’t surprise me after the lack of snow brush and ice scraper but I did use a European based car rental firm that has been good for me in the past in Germany and other countries. I thought at least we’d have fluid.

So we make a quick pit stop. Can’t find a dang parking place so I park on the sidewalk like everyone else. As I step out of the car, I realize I am standing on a sheet of ice. A beautiful woman goes walking by and promptly goes flying…into my arms as I rescue her at the last moment. She has a shocked look on her face but is glad I saved her. She says thank you pries my hands from her derriere while giving me a knowing but flirtatious smile.  She shuffles her miniskirt back into place and treads a bit more carefully. JD looks at me with a “cat who just ate the canary” look combined with the “you lucky bastard” look. I am surprised she had any issues given her stiletto heels should have been like little ice picks or “studded tires” on the ice but it was a nice welcome back to Ukraine.

JD is not outside the car chain-smoking again. I am feeling a bit worn down from my last 2 days without any sleep. JD’s drug induced sleep on the plane has helped him feel pretty chipper. I am not quite sure my emotional energy level will match his at the moment but I am still functioning pretty well. I make my way into the nearest store and of course there isn’t any washer fluid. I ponder the current temperature and realize a bottle of mineral water should work for a while and we are heading south so it should warm up enough that the water won’t freeze too soon. Inside the engine compartment it will be a bit warmer even with the airflow from the road.

Top off our windshield washer tank and we are back on the road. At this point its relevant to mention I have a decent GPS system. I have had the foresight to purchase the relevant maps for it for Ukraine. They weren’t cheap but they will provide turn by turn routing between cities AND in the 7 largest cities they will route to a particular address. Turns out there is one minor (more like major to me) is that it doesn’t tell me what oblast (region) any particular city is in that I want to route to. For example, there are many cities with the same exact name but located in different regions.

Let’s assume that I want to go to a town named Zap, there could be 3 or even 10 of them all about the same distance from where I am at that given moment. So it will say Zap 450km, Zap 453km, Zap 456km, etc. So I have to check each one to see if it is the one I need. I don’t realize this at first until we are driving to the wrong one at first. To make it even more challenging, the names are based on their Ukrainian names and you must get the spelling correct to find them. They are the English transliteration of the Ukrainian names which means I have to sort of guess how THEY transliterated the names. They sent me a link to how it was done but it was in GD Ukrainian! If it had been in Russian or English I’d have a pretty good idea but I figure I’ll overcome this obstacle given time. My biggest concern is how accurate the maps will be.

So the GPS is setup, satellites are locked in, we are going the correct way (at least it appears so at this point) and all seems great. Great except for the snow seems to be increasing in intensity and JD is looking more worried by the second. Well time for another intermission while I post this section.

[chernoble]

All night we would have to smell the stench from the toilet which was bad while moving and unbearable when stopped at the train station. Combine that with the inoperable air condition and it ratchets up a notch. The coup de gras was the frequent traffic into and out of the toilet all night long with the accompanying sound effects.

Wow thanks Taz you just made my day! LMAO
 

A beautiful woman goes walking by and promptly goes flying…into my arms as I rescue her at the last moment. She has a shocked look on her face but is glad I saved her.

Just one thing in my mind on this:  Why didn't you get her number?!

[Taz]

The thought did cross my mind to get her number but she was a bit younger than I'd like. She was very early 20's and at that age they really haven't matured yet. She was really a nice looking woman but I am looking for more than just a tighty body. I want good character too.

Like any normal male though I did appreciate the firmness of her anatomy. In general I wasn't there to hunt for women. I really was just there to relax. Of course if God drops a nice woman in my lap, who am I to say no? Somehow though I usually met women just in passing sort of like this. Also after little sleep for the past several days I really wanted to get someplace and unwind. There is no way with that young woman that I would have been able to unwind any time soon...

[Taz]

So far things are going smoothly now that we are back on the road. The GPS tells us to take a turn onto a major road and it looks to be correct. I am following a group of other cars as there is no place to pass. We all pass a very slow car that is going about 25km/hr. We all go maybe about 200 meters and we are all requested by the militia to stop. They pull over about 6 of us. I purposely go a bit down the road before stopping.

The militia officer finally arrives at our car. I immediately go into “I don’t understand Russian at all mode.” After about 10 minutes, he has finally been able to get my documents from me. We started out that he wanted to ownership documents of my car. After about 4 minutes, I finally “understood” what he wanted and gave them to him. Next he wanted my passport.  A few minutes later I had that in his hands. Finally he wanted my immigration card. Well that was yet in another place. Finally I understood that he wanted my driver’s license. Finally he had that in his hands. He takes one look at my license reads the state (Montana for the story). He says out loud “Montana”. I ask him back “You know Montana?” He looks at me, shakes his head, hands me back the license and tells me to have a safe trip in Russian and off we go.

JD is just shaking his head in disbelief. He said “Taz, you are fykin amazing! You played that cop so well I can’t fykin believe it. That was artistry! He read fykin Montana and handed back your license. Fykin amazing dude. I thought for sure we were busted. Unfykin believable. We haven’t even gone 10km and we are already stopped by the cops. I am so fykin glad I am not driving.  You didn’t say a single word of Russian. I know you know WTF he wanted. What did he want?”

I tried to explain to JD the tactic is never be disrespectful or non-compliant. I said “You want to be compliant but not overly speedy. You want to comply with their requests but drag it out so slowly that they will find a better target. The militia typically only stop you for two reasons; they are either hungry or thirsty. Apparently though this officer’s hunger was caused by the fact that we passed in an apparently illegal zone even though that car was driving on the shoulder of the road, we weren’t supposed to pass him.”

So off we went, cash still in my wallet and another episode to add to the adventure. This is what I always would tell JD. When things go wrong, or anything interesting happens, it just “adds to the adventure”. You can’t let things get to you while there. Doo doo happens. It is a fact of life. You better be prepared for it and be able to roll with it. I still wasn’t thrilled that I hadn’t even been in country for 2 hours and already I had a meeting with the militia. It didn’t bode well for the future.

After this encounter, JD decided he should call a woman he planned on meeting. As luck would have it, there was a problem with his cell phone. I couldn’t find my last Ukrainian SIM card so my phone was of know use. JD’s phone could apparently receive calls but not make them. We decided to stop at the next major town on our way.

We are jamming along making pretty good time. Snow is still an issue but the snow tires are pretty decent. We’ve driven for about 3 hours and I am starting to relax about the militia a bit. We’ve cruised at some pretty high speeds and quite honestly I am surprised this little Hyundai will even do 170km/h let alone maintain it fairly well. Of course I am not doing 170 when there is snow on the roads but with pretty much wet roads and temps above freezing now I am not overly concerned.

The next big town we come to is Kremenchuk. Our route will take us right through town. I figure and ideal option to get phone cards, food and a little break. We have the mobile phone store take a look at JD’s phone. Phone is fine but the SIM card has an issue. He is PO’d as he has a lot of money still on it. Phone store says we can go to the main provider office and get it taken care of if we want. I didn’t really want to waste the time nor did JD so he just bought another card and fumed for a bit. Doo doo happens #3295 while in Ukraine.

We find a place to grab some food to take with us and exchange some money at a decent rate. Head back out on the route according to the GPS and it isn’t looking good. We can’t find the damn road we need to take. It keeps telling us to turn were we can’t turn according to some signs. Finally after about 5 minutes, I figure it out. It appears the bridge over the river is out and they are not allowing traffic on the road we need to take. At this point things are not looking good. I zoom out on the map and it is a REALLY long detour to route around this and some other roads appear to be closed. I drive up to a gas station and ask the attendant for help. Chalk this up as reason number #7,895 why I am so glad I learned Russian.

I am chatting away with this hot looking attendant. She looks amazing even in her company issued coveralls. Only a Russian woman (or possibly Jessica Simpson) could make coveralls look sexy but I digress. This guy pulls up in a large minibus, a Dodge Sprinter and listens to our conversation. He offers to show us the way as he is going in that general direction. I bid adieu to the station attendant but not before she offers up her phone number. Unfortunately I have nothing to write with but I try to remember it the best I can as the Sprinter driver has already fueled up and is high tailing it out of there. I hop back in the car and floor it. This little bus is really flying.

We are zooming along between 130-150 km/h. This is flat moving for a bus. Of course it has the Mercedes 3 liter turbo diesel motor so it isn’t exactly a slug. After about an hour of chasing this bus the driver signals for us to go our own ways. I flash my lights and thank him. It is now pretty dark and we have a few more miles to go until we get to Zap. We drive through some pretty scenic areas. Finally we are coming up on civilization again; Dnipro.

It feels good to see city lights at this point. We cruise through town uneventfully except for some pretty heavy traffic. JD remarks that might not be a bad place to search for chicks. Searching for women is about the last thing on my mind. I am getting pretty tired at this point and I just want a place to sleep and soon!

It’s Saturday and I suggest JD call the woman at the agency he plans on using. He calls the number for the agency and gets the director (I’ll call her Zoya). He asks about apartments to rent there and since it is on such short notice not much chance of that. She suggests we just use a local hotel for the first night and look for an apartment later. JD calls a translator contact he has, Elena. She sounds surprised to hear from him and says she is teaching and can’t help at that minute but she’ll see what she can do.

We arrive in time to Zap to briefly meet with the agency director. She is very attractive. I figure I should start counting now to see how long it will take for JD to hit on her. JD has used her to contact a woman after the original agency he used refused to give him girl #1’s contact info. Zoya gets the info for JD and arranges a meeting for him. JD has a few other women through other agencies he plans to meet.

I am pretty much just along for the ride and waiting to go to Crimea. We stay in hotel Ukraine. Decent room and fairly reasonable and they even have secure parking. We each have our own room and it comes with breakfast. It’s now Sunday and the agency is closed but Monday, Zoya the agency director, said she will help look for an apartment.

JD calls Elena (the translator) and asks her for help. She finds something but JD isn’t ready to move on it right away because the hotel wasn’t terrible and we wouldn’t save that much by going there. We do take a look at it and it’s a nice apartment but definitely not convenient if JD wants to walk anywhere or use public transport. It is a good 10 minute walk to the main bus line and about a 7 minute walk to a minor one. Owner seems pretty decent and JD is obviously interested in Elena as well. It is obvious though (to me) that she will have absolutely no interest in JD. She obviously has asbestos insulated panties as I can tell she’s been hit on so many times by foreign men that it will take someone really talented and mostly sincere to get anywhere with her.

JD decides to call someone. I have no idea at the time however he tries to talk to her in his limited Russian but she doesn’t understand him very well. I am in the middle of a conversation on my phone with a Ukrainian friend when he abruptly thrusts the phone in my face and commands me to talk to her. I ask him who I am supposed to talk with and what should I say. He rattles off some chicks name who I’ll call woman #1 (of 3) that he had previously lined up to meet. I say chick #1, the one that looks like a guy in her photos? You want to meet THAT?

So I politely ask the person I was conversing with if it is ok if I call later. They say ok and I start to speak with chick #1. After about 5 minutes, I realize this is a total CF. She keeps on insisting that this woman bring her own personal translator. I get off the phone after arranging a time and I tell JD what has gone on. We have a few hours to kill so I suggest we go do some shopping at Amstor (a pretty nice Western styled supermarket).

In my mind I am thinking there is NO WAY I would meet this chick if I were JD but he thinks she is a nice “normay fykin” girl. Maybe she would be “normal” if you compare her to a guy in drag or a transvestite but no way in Hell would I come all the way to Ukraine if I were searching for a wife to take this woman (if she in fact was one) home with me.

JD agrees to ride to Amstor with me. We kill some time there, pick up some drinks and alcohol or as what JD likes to call “vaginal lubricant”. Excuse my crudeness but it is his term for alcohol that women like to drink that will…you get the picture I’m sure. I figure I don’t need to ply women with alcohol to develop a relationship with them.

While in Amstor I see they have an automotive section. I decide I’ll buy washer fluid for the car, that is, until I see the price. They want $7 (US all prices are in USD unless I note otherwise) for a bottle of fluid. No way I’ll pay that for it. I look at the vodka section as after all, it is alcohol and will keep the water from freezing. Zap is going to have a cold snap and the water is already turning to ice in the car. So you know what I choose. Why spend $7 on washer fluid when a cheap $3 bottle of vodka will work. Then I can have washer fluid and JD can have his lubricant. Talk about economizing on a trip!

While in Amstor, I hear some intense cursing in English. At first I think it is JD. As I hear fykin with such frequency that it can only be JD when he is Ukraine. I arrive at what I think is the scene of the commotion just in time to see JD. JD is standing by another guy. We meet guy who is an American. His name is Fatty. That is what he said. He has married a Ukrainian woman and they’ve recently had their first child. JD gives Fatty our numbers and we leave. Before leaving he offers to make an introduction for JD to one of his wife’s friends. I wag my head silently no when Fatty is looking at me. JD says that he might be interested and to give us a call.

Now it’s about time for JD to meet #1. I can’t wait to see this train wreck in person. This woman has insisted that she bring her own “personal translator” who just happens to cost $20 an hour. I can’t wait to see how JD is going to react. My only regret at this point is I can’t find any popcorn for when I watch the show that is about to take place.

On the way back we turn off the main street onto the side street were we are to meet #1. It is a very large, upscale, “mall”. I follow a BMW onto this street. We are both immediately stopped by the militia. Apparently “we” made an illegal left turn. I play dumb foreigner again. I no speaka da Urkainiana o da Ruskian eider. I go through my slow but compliant drill again. Mr. ossifer gets to my license and reads out loud “Montana?” I ask him back “You know Montana?”. He hands me back the license and wishes me a safe trip. JD starts to laugh so hard he is doubled up in pain. He says “WTF is up with Montana and the cops here? That is the second fykin time you’ve been stopped and they let you go again. If I ever drive here I need to get a license from your state. Taz, you are so fykin smooth I can’t believe it. You could charm the panties off a super model dude!” Quite honestly I don’t know if I am that charming but I am very sincere and women seem to sense that. Actually most people do.

We complete our turn in the parking lot and I silently think; Taz 2, Militia 0. Then as quickly I think, don’t count your money will sitting at the table… Finally arrive back at the agreed upon place to meet the first man JD plans to meet, errrr I mean woman! We are standing outside freezing our gonads off when JD receives a call from #1. She insisted that we wait for outside not in one of the entrances to a large public shopping area so JD is pretty frozen at this point. Any #1 is a bit behind schedule and will arrive in about 30 minutes. How often are women ever on time? Not as often as I’d like.

I take the phone from JD and tell her we will wait in entrance #1 (of 2) for when she arrives. She insists we meet her outside. I said we already did that. We’ll wait inside in case you are late AGAIN! Finally at the time she was supposed to arrive, she calls again. She will be another 10 minutes late. I tell JD I have to bail when she arrives as I need to take care of things. I need Internet and the agency will let us use their Internet for free since JD is a customer.

Time for another intermission. I’ll post the actual encounter with #1 but before I do that, I’ll leave you with a song lyrics to set the tone. Perhaps some of you are Aersomith fans. If so, think of the song “Dude (Looks Like a Lady)”. Or in this case, “Lady (Looks Like a Dude)” would be more apropos. For those of you how have hung in there so far, I hope you've enjoyed the journey. Believe me, it gets "better" and bumpier. Ever see a Ukrainian jail?

[BC]

What a blast!  Enjoying the heck out of this.

[Taz]

Finally #1 arrives almost an hour later than originally planned. She comes walking over with a pit bull/wildebeest in tow. #1 is wearing a red coat. (S)he looks more like Steven Tyler than his hot daughter Liv Tyler. OMG, I think to myself. This is almost too good to pass up watching what is going to occur.

We walk out and to the ole meet and greet. No sooner than we start to introduce ourselves than they wildebeest opens its mouth and begins to talk. I didn’t know wildebeest could talk but apparently this one is a translator. Rarely have I seen such a homely looking woman in my life (the wildebeest that is). I mean even for a wildebeest, she is homely looking. For a normal woman she is repugly (repugnantly ugly!).

We have barely introduced ourselves when the wildebeest launches into a tirade of demands. She demands that her client (Mr. Steven Tyler) requires to be taken home in a taxi and that she herself requires one as well. I mumble something to the effect that I didn’t know Zap had a zoo… Furthermore JD must pay immediately for the cost they have already incurred for a taxi to arrive there. Additionally JD must also pay in advance $20 for the services of the wildebeest and promptly in advance of any subsequent hours that they will need the services of said wildebeest.

I start to laugh so hard I need to turn away. I am about ready to pee myself. I am thinking you (JD) came all the way to Ukraine to meet a wildebeest and a woman that looks like Steven Tyler. For the moment I am able to keep my laughing in check so as it isn’t quite so obvious. I quickly turn around and tell JD good luck and that I am definitely not coming though I wouldn’t have missed it if I had the opportunity to see it in person. I’ll guess I’ll get the opportunity to live through it later as I am sure JD will be bitching about this for a long time to come so I know I needn’t worry.

I get to the agency office and realize they aren’t normally open as it is Sunday. As luck would have it Zoya is in and lets me in. I catch up on some work related email and continue to sort of plan other parts of our trip. I want to make it to Lugansk. Zoya suggests I meet some ladies from the agency. I politely decline her request. I just want to relax and unwind a bit. I still need to catch up a bit on some sleep.

I meet JD later on and the date went about as expected though apparently #1 wouldn’t mind seeing JD again. JD doesn’t really know about meeting her again though things did improve slightly though he hates the wildebeest. Apparently he didn't like the blankin' he took on the first date by the translator. #1 apparently wouldn't mind another free meal. The wildebeest apparently called #1 and even offered to lower her rates.

Sunday is now in the bag and Monday we go looking for an apartment with Zoya. Just a note here, Zoya is definitely a fine looking woman and a great personality as well. If she didn’t smoke I wouldn’t mind seriously dating her but she isn’t quite ready to settle down yet. She finds an apartment for us but JD isn’t feeling it and it isn’t cheap enough to warrant moving from the hotel as far as I’m concerned. We decide to stay another day in the hotel but share a double room to reduce the cost a bit.

Monday JD has a meeting lined up with #2. Things seemingly go well and he plans a second date. I ask him why #1 insisted on a translator. She claims she couldn’t understand my Russian which he knows is total BS. He thinks it is a total scam to just pick up some extra $$$ for a friend though he finds out the wildebeest that came isn’t her “normal” personal translator. Obviously this chick is more experienced than JD if she has a normal personal translator. I figure they are likely a good match for each other then although I am still stumped who will be the “pitcher” and how the “catcher”.

I am feeling a bit bored so I go back to the agency and look through profiles. I figure what the heck as I have nothing else to do. JD decides that we need to stay longer in Zap so I call up Elena and ask her to present an offer to rent the first apartment owner; Pietr. Pietr accepts and we plan to move in the next day. Since JD planned to spend more time than originally planned, I commit to several days in advance to sweeten the deal with Pietr to offset my lower offer then he likely wanted.

I see a few interesting women in agency’s catalog and proceed to ask Zoya about them. She knows each woman pretty well and suggests I pass on a few of them. I am not really feeling this agency thing yet so I figure I’ll sleep on it a bit and go from there. Meanwhile JD has plans to meet woman #3. This was the lawyer chick I briefly wrote about before. She had the nice friend that I hit it off pretty well with.

Since I already covered that date we are now into Tuesday. I want to meet the nice woman again but you all know where that ends up thanks to JD. JD still has hope to meet the lawyer chick (#3), #2 and #1 (Steven Tyler). Just in case you don’t know who Steven Tyler is, he is from the band Aerosmith and has lips like Mick Jagger.

Finally I decide to meet a few women since I am killing time. I go over my choices with Zoya and we decide on the best ones to meet. First one was a pro-dater, obvious by the choice of restaurant. I bail as quickly as I can. The rest were pretty nice but very busy with work and school that I won’t really be able to see them again before we leave. I have paid for the apartment through next Sunday and then we are off to Crimea.

Later in the day we meet with Elena the translator. She seems like a very nice lady, intelligent and good looking. We have good conversation together. I sense that she sort of likes me and appreciates that I am not here just to chase women. It is obvious to her I understand the culture and appreciate it. I learn that she has worked as a translator at several large socials so my first impressions were definitely correct. She has been hit on a lot and seen some pretty terrible men from all over the world apparently.

JD wants to go check out some other agency. Apparently he has gone back to the original agency where Zoya is at and can’t seem to find any other women out of about 100 or so that would meet his basic criteria; hot (but not too hot), easy (no need of lubricant), no children and between 28-32. I drop him off at another agency and take Elena home. She lives a ways from downtown. I am so far out in the weeds that the GPS can’t even find any streets on its map here.

It gives Elena and I time to talk. I see that she could be a pretty nice girl to date and possibly marry but her skepticism level is very high. Her emotions are more guarded than the gold in Fort Know! She has obviously seen the worst in men but she is still a pleasant girl. We have some pretty lively banter and the conversation is flowing like cheap wine. I find myself warming up to her and vice versa. I explain to her how JD got PO’d once when I tried to help him with a woman he really loved. She asked how I knew him and how long. I explained our history and how I tried to help him many times.

Finally we arrive at her house. I am thinking this is a pretty nice chick to date. It might take some time and effort but she appears to be worth it. I invite her to dinner the next night. She agrees and she knows it is more than just as friends. There is obvious mutual interest.

It is now Wednesday. One woman I’d had an introductory meeting with has found time and can see me again and she wants to meet me tonight but I have a “date” with Elena. I decide to meet her again as she is very sweet and pretty good looking but I need to make it another night if possible. JD has a meeting lined up with #2 again. This time he buys some nice flowers and plans to have dinner with her.

I get ready for my date with Elena. I call her up and she says she can’t meet with me. I ask her why. She apologizes and says she wanted to call me earlier but her phone was out of money and she couldn’t make any outbound calls. She hadn’t yet made it back into town to buy a phone card so that she could call me and let me know she couldn’t make our date. The reason she won’t now go out with me is JD.

Apparently JD decided to call her up after I’d dropped her off and hit on her. He invited her to dinner which she immediately declined. Unfortunately she felt that left her in a very awkward situation. She had already committed to a date with me which she wanted to do. However because of JD’s untimely phone call, she felt that it would be a conflict of interests for her. It appears that JD had “hired” her to help as a translator and she felt a relationship with me could possibly interfere with that as she already understood how JD might react based on our conversations earlier.

By this time I am thinking that JD is in fact Mr. Murphy incarnate. I just can’t believe my personal luck. I then call back my previous potential date but she has already agreed to go back to work as they need her so I am left out again. I go back to the agency to use Internet and end up meeting this very pretty woman and long story short we go out on a date that night. She is a model (which I wish I had known before we went out). Dinner goes quite nicely until…you guessed it; JD somehow mucks it up for me.

I get this frantic call from JD to come and get him. It appears date with #2 has gone done in flames like the zeppelin Hindenburg but even it had more survivors than this date. I excuse myself from a rather romantic evening with Ms. Model. She was enjoying my ministrations when I must leave but she understands (fortunately). I am about as far away as I can be in this town from where need to meet JD and the only option is to take the main street with all its traffic lights. I’ve been driving for 20 minutes, as fast as I can go without getting arrested and quite honestly I am even pushing that limit more than I’d care.

I get a call from #2 on JD’s phone that I need to hurry up and get him. He is outside freezing. “Nichevo sebia!” I tell the biatch. Why is he outside? He was supposed to be at her apartment. Apparently for some unknown reason he is at the train station. How the heck did he get here and why is standing outside when it is well below freezing and he is used to a climate like Arizona. I can’t wait to hear all the details on this one but all of you will have to wait through another intermission while I post this so far. So what exactly did transpire so that JD would end up at the train station? How on earth could he have ticked her off so bad she kicked him to the curb…stay tuned!

[AnastassiaAsh]

Taz is on a roll! 

Montana!  Do you know Montana? 

[Taz]

Yes, I am somewhat prolific at the moment with my story output. I almost have the next "chapter" written. If I had a nice RW at home right now I wouldn't be writing these episodes. I can think of much better things to do with her. I think the time is right to seriously start looking again and it will be without JD!

Can someone PM me and tell me how I can edit a post? I noticed I made a typo in a previous post and I want to correct it. I checked the FAQ's and it says if you are a registered user you may be able to edit or delete posts yourself but I don't see where to do that. Normally on other boards you can just return to your post and there will be an edit option.

Hopefully this will be of use for someone who might be just starting out or help others refine their technique.

[SANDRO43]

Can someone PM me and tell me how I can edit a post? I noticed I made a typo in a previous post and I want to correct it. I checked the FAQ's and it says if you are a registered user you may be able to edit or delete posts yourself but I don't see where to do that. Normally on other boards you can just return to your post and there will be an edit option.

Here too, only it's called Modify (over your post, at top right) .

[Taz]

Apparently it is time sensitive as there isn't one for my earlier post I made today. There is one for my post about an hour ago.

As Paul Harvey would say “Now for the rest of the story.”

After about another 20 minutes of expedited driving, I arrive at the train station. JD looks sort of like a Popsicle and I can’t help but chuckle a bit. He has pulled his jacket up so far over his ears that he looks like a turtle who has retracted his head back into its shell. All I see are a pair of glasses and a cigarette protruding from a “V” in his jacket. There is no #2 around. She has already scurried under the sink like all cockroaches do when a light is shined in their direction.

JD begins to recount his evening while I can’t help but think about the effects on my date and how interesting it was becoming in spite of her being a model. JD says the first part of the date went fine. He bought her a nice dozen roses. Apparently there were well received. Likely some of you who might have been drinking coffee likely spit it out everywhere. Old timers will get it but the noobs won’t.
 
I wrote that JD bought her a dozen roses. Actually he didn’t buy her a dozen, he bought her 5. You only want to buy women odd numbers of flowers. A dozen is incredibly bad taste and normally you would buy that number for a funeral. So if you want to end a relationship real quick, buy her a dozen roses!
 
So JD presented the roses and they were well received by #2. Dinner went pretty well other than she kept getting phone calls and would speak for a few seconds and hang up. At least she speaks enough English and he enough Russian, they were able to communicate fairly well. He commented that she was a member of the HDBC (heavy duty booty club) but it was still “tappable”.  So far so good at this point. Now it was time for the apre-dinner festivities.
 
It was about then I get a call earlier from JD that I just now remember. I was with Ms. Model. He called and asked where I was. I said I had a woman at the apartment. Apparently he was looking for a place to take this woman. They ended going back at her apartment. This is apparently where things went to pieces.
 
JD was looking to get lucky at this point I think. She seemed to be enjoying his company and she found her attractive enough that he was contemplating more interesting pursuits. His previous time with the lawyer had him still worked up a bit and perhaps this woman could satisfy those primal urges and he was interested in her as a bonus.
 
He asks her if it is ok that they go to her apartment and she says fine as she lives alone. They enter her apartment after a long ride/walk to it. Upon entering the apartment he notices a pair of men’s shoes. He finds this sort of odd if she lives alone. Upon walking in the kitchen he sees an odd number of roses such as a man would present to a woman. Doubly odd he thinks. At this point though he isn’t giving it too much thought.

They proceed to sit on her couch and begin to snuggle. He starts to make his move. Phone rings again. She answers quickly says something and hangs up. He can’t really make out what was said. About 10 minutes later, she gets another. Same routine, short conversation and she hangs up. Yet another phone call and JD is ushered out to the street.

He tries to explain to #2 he has no idea where he is at and more importantly his buddy Taz has no idea where he is at. #2 (how appropriate in this case) then proceeds to almost forcefully take him on a walk to…you guessed it, the train station.  This is where JD then calls me to come get him. Minutes later when I didn’t arrive quickly enough for her liking, #2 then calls me and begins to bitch me out. It is like it was my responsibility to get him. In reality it was her responsibility to make sure he got back safely and I didn’t appreciate the way she spoke to me.

She then leaves him without ever waiting for me to show up. Basically just dumps him on the curb and runs home. From what JD guesses it is to be with her man based on all the evidence he saw. I can’t speak to that but it does seem reasonable.

So now JD is in a funk. All 3 women that he was writing went bust. I suggest he go back to the agency and look through profiles the next day (Thursday). He calls Zoya and she says come in first thing and she’ll try and help. We arrive at the agency when they open but no Zoya. Zoya doesn’t show up until about 4:30 PM and JD is pissed. Her assistant offered to help as Zoya was taking care of business and was tied up out of the office but JD isn’t happy.

Somewhere along in there we get a call from Fatty. He is pretty stressed with his wife. I give him a few suggestions on how to cope with the new baby but the in-laws are being incredibly difficult. I try and give him some advice there and tell him I’ll help where I can. He seems like a decent guy and he really cares about his wife and son.

JD looks through profiles and basically picks the women I had already went out with. He absolutely refuses then to go out with any of them even if they were available. He has me take him to every agency we can find. We go to another agency and speak to the director there. He looks at a few profiles and tells her he would like to meet 2 women. The director says she’ll call us later. She does. Neither woman wants to meet JD so now he is even more ticked off.

He calls up an acquaintance of mine, Robert. Robert lives in Ukraine. I will just say Robert is quite the character. Other than that, I won’t say too much about him except he is quite well connected. He happens to be traveling to a coastal city in Ukraine, Mari, and invites us to tag along. I suggest that JD go if for no other reason than to get an attitude adjustment. I have no desire to ever go back to Mari as it is not exactly my type of town and way too industrial for me. I was there 5 years ago for a friend’s wedding and had plans of never going back.

Robert is on his way to court some hot (Playboy Bunny type) 20 year old. I wouldn’t mind getting out of Zap (but not to Mari) but I’ve prepaid the room and I know there is no chance of refunds. Robert drives about 2 hours out of his way to pick up JD and off they go. Robert knows Ukraine very well and is making pretty good time going to Mari.

I continue dating Ms. Model and quite honestly she is pretty to look at, not frigid at all, but she can never be on time and I am quickly tiring of it. She is also too young and immature as far as I’m concerned so I am ready to head to Crimea as soon as I my the time I’ve paid for the apartment in Zap is used up.

JD arrives in Mari and is like a pig in poop. Robert takes him to an agency where he knows the director quite well and gets JD setup with some meetings. JD calls me up and says how wonderful this agency his and how many computers there are and how cute the translators are and so on. I explain to him I am not really that interested in using an agency and I just REALLY want my vacation. Meanwhile I am losing money for each day of apartment in Crimea that I’ve already prepaid for. I didn’t bring a lot of extra cash as I previously mentioned due to the fact that I paid for most everything up front. Unfortunately I’ve wasted quite a bit of money I didn’t plan on between hotels, apartments and meetings. I still have a bit of cushion but I don’t want to waste it as I’ll only use my bankcard as a last resort.

Everyday JD calls me up and tells me how great the agency in Zap is and how many women there are and so on. He keeps pushing for me to leave Zap and go to Mari. I speak to Robert and he says there are quite a few beautiful women there and I really should check it out again. They say come on over and stay in our apartment and just check it out. If you don’t like it, go on  to Crimea.

I think about it a bit and decide why not as somehow I have to get JD anyway. By now it is Sunday and I am ready to hit the road. I am cruising pretty fast on the way there and figure I can make it in about 2 hours then I slow down a bit. JD and Robert both commented on getting airborne a few times on the roads there but I figure they were driving a bit faster than I will…year right!

The GPS seems to be working pretty well navigating me until it tells me to take a turn that seems ok. It routes me into a little town. Next thing I know I am in the middle of the bus station area and all the people look like something from the movie “Night of the Living Dead”. These people look so destitute and forlorn that I have a feeling I am in a Twilight Zone episode and I want to get the heck out of there ASAP. I keep following the GPS and it tells me to turn down a street as near as I can reckon that doesn’t look much better than an alley.

I continue down it as I really don’t want to go back through town. It looked like a town near Chechnia that I was at before. It was really that bad. At least the alley is opening up a bit and definitely leading me out of town. I am not quite sure if this is a good or bad thing. As I progress the road deteriorates (as if that was possible) even more.

I am picking my way around some of the largest potholes in the road I’ve ever seen. It looks like the road was used for bombing practice by the military. They are holes so big if the car went in them it wouldn’t come out. Some are big enough to be a tank trap. I go around one turn and there is some poor guy who has slipped on the ice and fallen and can’t get up. The guy was riding a bicycle loaded with so much gear it must weigh 100 kgs. He must be about 60 years old. I stop to try and help him get up but he is obviously too drunk to continue yet is well before noon on a Sunday.

After about 20 minutes of the miserable road, which is absolutely the worst road I’ve ever seen in Russia, I come to an actual paved road. I get on the road and hammer it to make up for lost time. I am flying along pretty well when I see this young damsel hitch-hiking no the side of the road and it is starting to snow. I pull over and ask her where she is going. She introduces herself as Olga and says we can go as far as we want. I am a gentleman so I pretty much ignore the comment and tell her were I am heading. Apparently we are going the same way for a while and I give her a ride. She is really an attractive young lady but I am not really looking for a meaningful overnight relationship with a 20 year old woman.

We chat for a while and have an interesting time. She really is quite pleasant to be around. Finally I have to turn off and I let her out. She waves goodbye and blows me a kiss and mouths “spasiba”. Olga sure helped pass the time. So now I am in the final stretch to Mari. I find the places that JD and Robert spoke about but fortunately I was prepared and didn’t really go flying with the car.

I finally meet up with JD and Robert in Mari. Robert lets me use his computer which has wireless internet and I look at a few profiles. He knows the agency owners and calls them up for me and within 2 hours of arriving in Mari I have a date lined up for that evening.

JD also has a date that day with a woman I’ll call Zhenya and has had several dates before I got there with varying success. This date happens to be a woman I was very interested in but I figure it is best to just stay out of the way. She appears to be a very sweet girl. His date starts fairly early so off he goes. That leaves Robert and I to chat in the apartment about JD for a bit before I have to leave for my date.

Robert seems to have arrived at the same conclusions that I did. He seems to think that JD is his own worst enemy from what he has seen. Basically we compare notes now that he has seen JD in action. It is amazing how similar we both view JD. JD has spoken with me a few times before coming over about the advice Robert gave him. I have commented that it is the EXACT same advice I’ve given him myself before! Why is it good now that it came from Robert but he ignores it when it came from me? Regardless he doesn’t really act on it either way and Robert has picked up on this as well.

JD comes home from his date with ZhenyaThis is the one I had been interested in as well but if JD has actually found someone he likes and seems to like him then they deserve each other. JD is really liking Zhenya it seems.

JD has another date lined up with Zhenya Monday. In the morning he JD promises to show me the agency that he keeps commenting about. Sunday evening Robert gives me a bit of an overview that night about all the women JD has met so far in Mari. He has met about 7 or so already but appears to be slowing down a bit.

I have to leave for my date and it turns out to be a great first meeting. Absolutely beautiful woman and she is very pleasant too. It goes about as good as a first date could go with just one snag. This lady will have to work for the next 4 days straight from 10AM to 10PM every day and I have no plans to be in Mari that long as I am still trying to make it to Crimea.

Monday arrives and we go to the agency. We arrive right when they open up and it is very well operated. Quite honestly the best ran agency I’ve ever seen. Owner is actively involved in her agency and there is a clear delineation of her workers roles and responsibilities. Her office is very clean and organized. For JD and his OC behavior, it must have been nirvana for him to come here.

Time for another intermission. I’ve just laid the groundwork for what will happen next. Robert decides to leave. I’m stuck with JD and he has a date he will never forget.

[SANDRO43]

Apparently it is time sensitive as there isn't one for my earlier post I made today. There is one for my post about an hour ago.

IIRC, it's available for 24 hours after initial posting.

[tim 360]

Taz, An absolutely stunning series of 5 star posts which are entertaining as well as informative.  Great story.  Keep typing, cheers, tim360

[Taz]

Glad you are enjoying the series so far. I appreciate the feedback.

Monday at the agency proves to be a very interesting experience. I sit at a desk for a while and just watch the little worker bees scurrying about. I must not that the little worker bees are VERY attractive and they all seem to speak English very well. Too bad I am not looking for a young 20 year old as this would be a great place to start.

I am pretty impressed by the quality of women that come in to the agency. It appears the owner tries to keep their photos up to date. No real glamour shots but definitely well done, high quality photos. Comparing the women from how they came into the agency and how they later appeared in the Internet can best be described as accurate representation. They look their best but not in a fake way. If you met the woman after viewing her photo online, I don’t think you would be disappointed at least with respect to the women I saw.

Robert shows up at the agency shortly after we arrive. We all chat for a bit. He offers to take us to lunch as he knows the town better than us. JD needs to get some flowers for his date tonight with Zhenya. Just for the record, I’ve picked fictional names for everybody. If a name I picked just happens to match a name on an agency website it most likely is pure coincidence. So if you have to see a Tanya on www.xyzhotrussianchicks.com, and she seems to match something I wrote, it is purely luck or maybe I just have a thing for women with the name Tanya. I have tried to write as accurately as possible but if I get the days mixed up a bit or meetings out of order, sorry. These events are all true with virtually no intentional embellishment. It isn’t like this all happened yesterday and after you’ve met a thousand RW they all start to look alike (from JD’s perspective, not mine!). I still remember every RW I ever dated.

So off we go to lunch. Have a pretty decent lunch but nothing special. On the way back I ask JD if he has bought Zhenya any flowers. He has that immediate “deer in the headlights” look on his face. Robert whips his head around while driving the car and looks at JD and says “You don’t have any flowers?” JD asks, “Should I?” We tell him of course so he has us stop at the little flower kiosk on the side of the road. JD comes back with a big wad of flowers.

He gets in the car. We take off immediately and go around this big traffic circle (roundabout for you Brits). I ask him why the heck he bought those flowers. He says I told him he should buy them. I said buy flowers but ones that are appropriate for the date. I tell him what he bought is more suitable for grandma or someone you don’t want to become more intimate with. Instead of agreeing with me, he asks Robert for his opinion (Heaven forbid I’d be correct on this issue). Robert immediately blurts out “Yea, JD, WTF were you thinking. Taz is totally right!” JD then counters that he just spent 150 griven (about $30) on this bouquet. I immediately counter it isn’t the price that is most important.

So we haul a$$ around the traffic circle back to the flower kiosk. Lady is happy to see JD again. He gets out in a huff. Buys another wad of flowers and comes back. He gets in the car and immediately, in unison, Robert and I are shaking our heads NO! JD, loudly says WTF, and throws the flowers down on the floor. I tell JD just to relax; I’ll go back with him and get the appropriate flowers. I walk back to the flower lady and help him pick out some nice roses and back we go to the car.

All JD can do is now bitch about how much the fykin flowers cost. Let’s be real here. Almost everyone knows, or should know by now, that this isn’t a cheap venture. If you spend an extra $20 on flowers and it makes a great impression on the woman you are seriously interested in, then why not? I am not suggesting wasting money but why not put in a little extra effort for the woman you really care about. Just like learning a bit of Russian. If nothing else it will impress her a bit. On an even better note it will help you communicate with her friends and family. You definitely want these people working for you, not against you!

So Robert and I tell JD basically to STFU and get over it. Odds are he has pissed away money on worse things. We take JD back to the apartment to get ready for his date. I have nothing going on but I realize I am pretty low on money so I’ll need to find an ATM. Robert offers to drive me as my car is low on gas and until I get some $$$, I am not going anywhere.

We drive from ATM to ATM and none of them will work. I can’t seem to find out what is wrong. Maybe the magnetic stripe is bad on my card. I used my card a few months earlier in Ukraine with no issues. After about 20 ATMs and no success, we head back to the apartment. JD is on his way to his date. He said we can have the other flowers he has bought but I suggest he take one bouquet along as he apparently will be meeting the woman’s mom, Luda. JD agrees so at least the flowers aren’t a total waste.

I go in and count my money. I am down to about $50. I would have been fine if we had already gone to Crimea where my apartment is STILL waiting for me. I’ll try a few more banks in the morning but that evening I go to the Internet and send an email to my bank to try and see what is going on. I don’t have much time to resolve this as we need to be back in Kiev by Saturday as we have a flight out Sunday morning. It isn’t looking real good that we’ll end up in Crimea at this rate anyway. While sending email, I decided to look at a few profiles and make a not of ones to ask the agency about the next day.

I go back to the apartment and a few minutes later JD shows up. He slams the door as he comes in and is apparently pissed. I am wondering why he is home so “early”.  I wait for him to calm down a bit. It seems that Zhenya went on “walkabout” as the Aussies would say but instead of vanishing into the wilderness, she has vanished into Mari somewhere.

I ask JD to recount the evening in great detail, so I can try and understand what has happened. He said it doesn’t fykin matter, she just fyikin took off and left him with her mom and some other people. Ok, now the plot thickens. My hunch is JD did something that caused Zhenay to react negatively to him (surprise, surprise) and took off.

I finally get him to start from the beginning of the date. JD went with the agency owner to meet Zhenya and her mom. Apparently Zhenya’s sibling was there as well. They all had a NICE (read expensive) dinner and then went back to someone’s apartment. On the way to the apartment somebody wanted chocolate and champagne to celebrate.

They were all enjoying the evening at this apartment (I am still not sure who’s apartment is was) and Zhenya gets up and says a few words and leaves. She tells JD that she must go babysit. He figures she’ll return but doesn’t. He then leaves the apartment and comes back to ours.

Nobody seems to know what happened. I think it is suspicious as she would have known in advance if she needed to babysit. JD just wants to complain how he wasted $200US on fykin dinner and on and on. How Zhenya just took off and left him there with everyone else.

He has most of his hopes pinned on this girl. He is now really in a funk. He just starts mumbling he wants to get the fyk out of here. I ask him about the other women he has met. I say “Remember how hard you pushed me to come here and how good women there are here. I heard about it every day that I really NEEDED to come here. Now that I am here you immediately want to leave. You said there are other woman you wanted to meet so let’s go back to the agency in the morning and look at them.” He reluctantly agrees.

So Tuesday we go back to the agency. JD is not in a great mood. He is still fuming about the date. He asks the owner about Zhenya. He had her number and tried to repeatedly call her. Zhenya never answered. The owner tries her number and she doesn’t answer either. She calls to Zhenya’s mom and she knows nothing either. JD is even more PO’d than before. I think he is about to burst a vessel at the rate he is going. His mood is so poisoned it is a waste I think for him to meet any women.

I sit down with him at a computer and we look through profiles. He says he has seen all these and wants to know if there is anyone new. Nobody new as of that moment. I wonder off to another computer and jot down the names of some women I would like to meet.

JD keeps looking through profiles and apparently spots another woman he wouldn’t mind meeting so he walks off and has something setup for later that evening. I ask him if he wants my help and he says no as he will have one of the agency translators help out. Fine by me as I see a woman I wouldn’t mind going out with from their catalog.

Lunch time rolls around and we go to eat at a great Georgian restaurant. Everyone at the agency is feeling bad about JD but that is what he wants. At the same time they are glad to see him get out of the agency as his mood is really stifling the normally upbeat ambiance of the office.

JD now is on a mission to literally find any other agencies with women he hasn’t seen. He asks the owner about other agencies and we scour the town looking for leads. We end up at another agency the owner told us about. On the way there I notice a sign for an agency I’ve never heard about. I figure I’ll go there before JD can poison the girls from there too.

JD sees the sign on the way out and asks me what it is. I don’t want to really lie to him. So I translate it. He immediately dashes up 5 flights of stairs to run in the office and start chatting up the girl working there. The director is out of town and JD asks the girl working there to have her call him. The assistant says she is out of town and doesn’t have a cell phone but she’ll tell the director when she speaks with her. Time is now getting short for JD to meet anyone and I’ve totally written of going to Crimea.

I go back to the first agency and take JD with me as it is almost time for him to meet another woman. We arrive there and I go to the computer to see if there is a reply from my bank as I am totally out of money and I’d hate to ask JD for any help. In walks JD’s meeting. It is Lana; a woman I had also wanted to meet. I pointed her out to him earlier but he had said he wasn’t interested in her. I am shocked to say the least. Normally JD and I don’t like the same type of women so there isn’t a conflict and he uses the agencies and I’ll just meet people in passing.

I go to a computer and bit my tongue as it won’t help at all. My bank tells me to call some number in the US to try and get it resolved. I end up wasting the last of my money on a phonecard to the US and get nowhere with my bank as I am transferred and put on hold so much that my card is used up. Anyway Lana meets with JD for about an hour or so. I figure if JD doesn’t screw it up too badly at some point I would still like to meet her. They come out and Lana comes to me and ask me, “Taz, are you from Montana?” I reply “Montana? You know Montana?” and smile at her. Her eyes light up and she starts laughing.

We all talk for a bit, she does understand some English but she is very impressed with my Russian. Even the translator comments that my Russian is very good. Finally Lana needs to go and JD seems to like this girl enough that he has momentarily forgotten about Zhenya. JD asks for her telephone number as she is leaving and she doesn’t really want to give it at that moment. I tell JD to not push it as she will give it if she wants to. I remind him he could always ask the agency to contact her. I tell him to just be cool and let it go for now rather than push too hard and be a jerk about it. He asks again and she doesn’t give it to him. Now he is pissed off and doesn’t even help her put on her jacket. I, being the gentleman I am, help her with her jacket and escort her to the door. She smiles very warmly at me and it is obvious she appreciates my show of good manners even if JD is being a jerk.

Well time for me to leave so I can make my date. I have a date lined up with a very beautiful, very tall woman; Luba. Short version of my date is it goes great. She has already been to the US on a K1 visa and left because the guy couldn’t support her. He had too much debt and her choice was to spend $60 a week on groceries for them or spend it on other stuff she needed. She decided it was better to return to Ukraine than live in that lifestyle. Luba wants a repeat date so we decided on Wednesday after her work. Our date has gone so well that she wants to introduce JD to a friend of hers. I am reluctant but she pushes it a bit and ours went so well I figure it would be hard to muck it up so I agree. I had one of the best first dates I’ve ever had in my life. We have a lot of natural chemistry. Luba is a woman JD passed over because he didn’t think she was pretty enough. Again he was reading too much into photos. This woman was stunningly beautiful in person and I thought looked attractive in her photos!

Time for another intermission. I am sure by now you are trying to figure if, and how, JD could muck my up budding relationship with Luba. What has happened to Zhenya? Why can't anyone reach her? Is JD such a dork (in Ukraine) that he can't get a break from anyone? Can you be arrested for indecent exposure in Ukraine? Part 6 is coming up.

[SacramentoSteve]

Excellent reports thus far, I'm looking forward to the next installment & hope it's not the conclusion.

[Taz]

It’s Wednesday now. I am feeling pretty good about Luba. She is very sweet, beautiful and knows what to expect. She is tall and sort of looks like Wonder Woman but hotter. She could have stayed in the US but choose not to. That shows a lot about her character and I appreciate that. I am definitely looking forward to a second date. JD passed on meeting her because he thought she was fat (and her photos) because she weighed about 70-75 kg. She is a very tall woman and she wasn’t fat. She was definitely built in all the right areas.
 
JD and I wander from agency to agency. Another agency has a nice girl I am interested in and I point her out to him but he doesn’t seem interested. We get a lunch date lined up and I go. I leave JD at agency #1. I come back and JD is still there and I tell him he should have met this woman. She was more his type than mine but still a nice girl and I wouldn’t mind seeing her again. I tell JD HE really SHOULD meet this girl even though I am interested in her. I have children and she is really looking for a guy without children so I know I am not her best match and I respect that.
 
So JD and I go back out to this other agency and I tell JD just to look closely at her profile that he glossed over so quickly before. He is now much more interested and realizes he could have been a little hasty in passing her over. I ask a few questions for his benefit from the assistant at the agency as I’ve instructed JD to just shut up about this woman before we get there. JD starts to get involved, too involved, in all this and I can see it. My plan was to meet her again but have JD show up and make an introduction to him. What does JD do? In the middle of this he blurts out the stupidest question I’ve heard in a long time; “Do you think she’d be interested in me?”
 
How could the woman know that for sure as she knows almost nothing about JD? She turns to look at me and I am just thinking that JD really blew it now. This woman is very much like the one he lost in Siberia. She is very sweet and very conservative but worth the effort. If JD can’t control himself for 15 minutes while I line everything up there isn’t much hope though.

The assistant turns to me and asks me if it is ok for her to call this woman and I just shrug my shoulders and say ok. It is obvious JD hasn’t learned yet. She gets the woman on the phone. She says there is another foreigner interested in meeting. She describes JD and things are going fairly well until…
 
Until JD wants her to ad lib and blurts out his name. I quickly motion for her to stop and make sure she doesn’t say his name but it is too late. She has already heard his name. She asks “Is it JD, the JD that is the friend of Taz?” JD has just p!$$ed in his own pool!!! I can’t believe. I almost never swear or curse but OMFG comes out of my mouth. Even as long as I’ve known JD, I still can’t believe what he has done. The prospective date quickly back pedals and in one swift second, JD has screwed it up for both of us. Unbelievable! I ask him why in heck would he say that. He realizes it was a bonehead move and says it doesn’t fykin matter anyway. I said if it doesn’t matter, then why are you here???? Go back home and leave the women alone. Don’t step up to the plate unless you bring your again. Don’t be a poseur or a wannabe. If you aren’t ready to take this woman home, then don’t even meet her. By that I mean if you aren’t seriously interested, don’t even make the attempt. Woman can typically “smell” insincerity like dogs smell fear.
 
So off we go back to agency #1 as JD wants the Internet. I don’t have anything going on so I try and find out what is going on with my ATM card. Yet another email with another dang phone number. I am pretty ticked off. I realize as much as I hate to, I’ll ask JD for a few $$$ whenever he gets in a better mood.
 
While sitting at the agency, who should walk in but Lana. The woman who didn’t want to give him her phone number immediately (smart woman). She walks by and says “Hi JD. How are you?” Her English isn’t great but she is obviously making an effort to speak with him. I ask her how she is to be pleasant and we chat for a few minutes. She leaves the room and comes back again and tries to talk to JD again. He has his head buried in looking at other profiles and doesn’t even reply. At this point I am getting really tired of his attitude.
 
I say “Hey @$$hole, say hello to Lana. She is obviously trying to chat with you. Be cultured and talk back. This is a good thing in case you haven’t noticed!” His reply was “Why should I? The b!tch didn’t want to give me her number and you told me to dump her! Why should I talk to her then, if she wanted to talk with me she’d have given me her phone number yesterday.” I remind him that I said don’t push her, I didn’t say dump her. Obviously she is here showing interested. He seems to think she is just here to meet with some other guy but I feel otherwise. She is sincerely trying to converse with him as evidenced by her repeated English usage.
 
JD continues to ignore Lana. She sits across from him by the owner’s desk and continues to try and chat with him. She then speaks to the agency owner a bit and they walk off. She has been here almost 2 hours. After a few minutes they both come back. The agency owner calls me over. She asks me to please take Lana home. She says Lana called earlier to see if JD might be in the office. She then rode on a bus about an hour to and see the jerk who then totally ignores here. The owner has already surmised I’m a pretty decent guy and asks me to help Lana by giving her a ride back home.
I of course say yes.

Lana then talks with me for a few minutes she seems pretty nice. I again am a gentleman and help her on with her coat and escort her to the door.  About this time JD seems to notice the party is leaving and he doesn’t want to miss it. Never mind that he basically wanted nothing to do with this woman, now that we are leaving he apparently wants to be involved. He asks where we are going. I reply that I am just taking Lana home since you have been such a D!CK and totally ignored her. He says that he would like to do that too. Lana is somewhat taken aback when I tell her that he is going as she has no idea what is going on in his head at this moment and neither do I. I suppose that maybe a real, live, attractive woman is more interesting than all the profiles he has been paging through. Nah, if so he would have responded to her attempt to engage him in conversation.

We get out to the car and I ask for directions. She asks if I am sure she I want to drive her home. I said of course I do. She says it is a long way. I ask how long, she says it took over an hour on buses to get to the agency. She is concerned that I might not find my way back. Quite honestly after she says that, I am concerned as well. Nothing ventured, no RW gained as the saying goes, so off we go.
 
After about 5 minutes of driving. She asks me if I want to go for a ride. Shame on me but my thoughts wander at that instant. Ride on who, what, where goes through my mind. I am a normal man and I can’t help but notice how attractive Lana is in person. She is tall, polite and smells delectable. I keep thinking that JD is totally clueless. So after a few seconds I reply that I would definitely be interested in going for a ride. What exactly do you have in mind I ask her? I am thinking she wants to go to the amusement park they have as I’ve seen a big Ferris wheel. Maybe I am just misunderstanding her or something else but not matter what I am game at this point. Fun sounds like something I don’t want to pass up at this moment.
 
She guides us past the amusement park and we go to the edge of the world and turn left. We then proceed to the corner of the solar system and arrive and a big dome-like looking building. Parking is definitely a challenge here so I drive down the sidewalk for a while until I can find something resembling a parking place. Ok, it was more like a spot missing a few cinder blocks but it will work for parking the car. We disembark from the car and get halfway to the building and somehow we have dropped JD a ways back. I look around and absolutely no JD anywhere. Where the heck could he have gone?
 
I ask Lana to stay put for a minute where I go look for JD. I get almost back to the car and there he is in the back seat. I come up to the car, open the door and ask him what is going on.  The words haven’t even left my when already some type of hate words come spewing out of his mouth. I’ll try and quote best I can. “Taz, I am not going into that fykin place! I told the fykin b!atch (Lana) that I can’t skate for sh!t!!! I fall on my @$$ more than I can stand up on fykin skates. Larissa is the GD director of that fykin place and I am not going in!!!! Don’t tell that fykin woman anything (meaning Lana).”
 
Now all that was said in about 5 seconds so it took me a while to put it together but I still was unclear about a few things. What exactly did he tell Lana? What kind of place is this? It looks like a sport complex. Maybe they have some type of skating here but is it ice or roller? It is a long ways from downtown, how did JD get here? Who is this Larissa chick and why does she matter. All these thoughts and more are going through my head while walking back to Lana.
 
I get back to Lana, offer her my arm and escort her in. She asks about JD and I said he doesn’t feel like coming in and boy is that an understatement. His BP had to be at least 150 over 100. I seriously thought he was going to explode. He definitely has anger management issues this trip. I walk in with Lana into an environmentally sealed doorway. I am guessing now it is an ice rink. We go on in and it has a nice restaurant with a viewing station. I am pretty stoked at his point. This could be a lot of fun. We walk on through and go past some decent arcade games and a nice air hockey table. We find out that the next session will be starting in about 10 minutes or so. I ask her if she wants to go and she says she would really like to but doesn’t want me to feel obligated to go if I can’t skate. She says she isn’t very good and has only gone a few times but she would really like to go again.
 
I offer to take her but tell her it has been a while since I skated but I can’t promise I’ll be any good at it. I pay for our tickets and skate rental and when the time goes we dash in to get our equipment. I help her put on her skates and it is obvious she has very nice legs that go all the way up to...her very nice other parts. She appreciates my attentiveness while I am appreciating the view. At last and at the same time, all too soon, it is time to hit the ice. I help her onto the ice and take her by the arm and guide her around a bit. She is a bit unsteady but I can tell she feels pretty secure in my arms. After about a lap I am relaxing a bit. By the second lap I am getting into the groove of it. Third lap I am not too far behind where I was the last time I skated and that was over 15 years ago. Just a side note, I played hockey for many, many years so I was sort of a ringer. Sure it was a while ago but I spent a lot of time on the ice until I got a skate jammed into my knee that pretty much ended my serious hockey aspirations.
 
Lana was very impressed even though I wasn’t trying to impress her.  I helped quite a few other people up from their falls and she was thrilled that I was in general, a pretty caring man. I helped her refine her technique and pretty soon we were holding hands as we skated along. It was turning out to be a lot of fun. We picked up the pace a bit and she was really enjoying the speed. I took a bunch of photos as we skated and even to this day I can see the joy in her face and the way she looked at me. As they say, all good things must come to an end. Somehow I knew in my gut that JD would muck this up as well. Of course I needn’t have worried.
 
I help her get back into her normal boots, collect our gear and off we go. I look around in the rink and no JD. I am a bit concerned. We exit the sports complex and I think Lana for a simply wonderful time. I tell her I have never been skating in Russia and I thank her for the memories I’ll always treasure. She says she had a wonderful time and really enjoyed my company. She thanked me for the “lessons” and said I was a great skater. I smiled and thanked her back. She then offered me her phone number to call. I said I would like that. She said she is busy today but call me later in the week. Apparently she is on vacation now and she is using her time to remodel her apartment with the help of her mom. She doesn’t have much free time as she must complete everything before going back to work but she definitely wants to see me again. She needs to get home and back to the remodeling so tonight isn’t an option and I have a double date lined up. I am going to make an introduction for JD with the friend of Luba.

So we walk back out to the car and no JD. Lana asks what happened to him. I say Snegurichka must have kidnapped him and she starts laughing so hard she almost starts to cry. I was thinking that maybe he just went somewhere to smoke. It isn’t that cold out and we weren’t gone that long.

We sit for a while in the car but no JD. It’s starting to get dark and Lana really needs to get home. I want to do it as well since I don’t have the GPS with me and it doesn’t have the streets of Mari either. I try calling JD but no answer. I call him repeatedly and still no answer. Finally Lana and I decide to leave as obviously he isn’t coming back. So we leave our little corner of the solar system and go back into the central part of Mari. Finally I recognize a few things and then we go out of the other side and keep going and going and going.

Finally she says we are crossing over to the other bank. We go past this huge steel mill. This thing is massive. We drive even further and we still aren’t to her place yet. Now we have gone past were there are even any traffic signals, up hills, down hills, turn on this road then on a different one. I feel like I am driving through a Ukrainian labyrinth. I am really starting to reconsider if it was a wise decision to take this woman home as I am not real sure if I will be able to find my way back in time for my date tonight. Thankfully I am a pretty good pilot and years ago I learned dead reckoning quite well. I spent a lot of time racing vehicles off-road in cross country races and only got seriously lost one time so I am fairly confident I’ll find my way back but it may take a while.

Finally we arrive at her apartment building. I’ve spent a good 40 minutes driving from the center of town so she definitely wasn’t lying that she likely spent well over an hour on buses to come to the agency. Good ol’ JD is obviously a d!ckhead as he obviously doesn’t appreciate how much time this woman wasted just to come and meet him. It is likely close to a 3 hour roundtrip for her by the time she walks to the nearest bus stop from both her house and the agency.

We say our good-byes and she makes me promise to call. She still is polite and asks me to say hello to JD for her though at this point it is obvious she has 90% written him off. I am very quickly reminded of the old adage “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. This woman has treasure written all over her. She is tall, pretty eyes, flawless skin and a laugh that would just melt your heart. We seem to have a great amount of chemistry, quite possibly as good if not better, than I felt with Luba but I am not going to “poach” JD’s girl. I am going to see if he has any interest before I seriously consider her. JD often has a problem with saying something different that what he actually feels as a protection mechanism.

Lana asks before I leave if she wants me to ride with her until I get back to the more major roads and she can take a quick bus ride back from there. I am touched by her offer but I man up (maybe more like be an obstinate idiot) and tell I try it on my own but if I have any problems I will call her. She gets out of the car, squeezes my hand, smiles and leaves. So off I go to pick my way back into town. It is not totally dark though not very late. I have about 2 hours before my double date with Luba, her friend, JD and I. Something tells me this is going to be an interesting evening.  The clock is ticking, I am low on $$$ and I need to find my way back to the apartment.

Stay tuned for the next episode. Does Taz go to jail after his next traffic stop? Does JD get arrested for indecent exposure? Or how much does it cost to buy your way out of situations like these? Do you know Montana? What is the deal with Larissa and why does she matter to JD at this point?

[ISORW]

Excellent so far...I hereby nominate Taz for sainthood for putting up with JD.  Personally I could not have put up with him for so long...I would have left him by the side of the road to freeze into a popsicle in Ukraine at this point, or more likely, a long time ago.  Let's hear a round of applause for Saint Taz . 

Taz if you're ever in Ukraine in the future in the Odessa/Kherson area, send me a PM, I'm there every 6-8 weeks or so, I'll buy you a beer (or more) for this entertaining series of posts.

[Taz]

ISORW - thanks for your kind and generous offer. I do hope to make it to Ukraine sometime this coming year. I have tried to present JD's saga in such a way we can all learn from it yet be reasonably engaging at the same time. I try very carefullyl to not veer from the facts.

Saint Taz does have a nice ring to it. 

I feel that to a great extent, we are all ambassadors of the country we hail from. I don't want everyone that JD might meet to think we are all cast from the same mold. So in some small way I try to undo the damage he might have caused. I know in his heart JD is a good person. I think that is the only reason I've stuck by him when we are in the FSU. I want him to be successful but not I realize it isn't worth it if it comes at the expense of others! Unless he markedly changes, I am not going to be his wingman any more.

I am truly ready now to find a good woman now. I've been through the good and the bad with RW and I am definitely prepared to learn from my own mistakes and those of other's I've witnessed. So I'll likely start in earnest to find the love of my life now or at least when my work dimishes a bit so I have more free time. The saga of JD has taken a lot more time than I planned and it still isn't finished.

[chernoble]

The assistant turns to me and asks me if it is ok for her to call this woman and I just shrug my shoulders and say ok. It is obvious JD hasn’t learned yet. She gets the woman on the phone. She says there is another foreigner interested in meeting. She describes JD and things are going fairly well until…
 
Until JD wants her to ad lib and blurts out his name. I quickly motion for her to stop and make sure she doesn’t say his name but it is too late. She has already heard his name. She asks “Is it JD, the JD that is the friend of Taz?” JD has just p!$$ed in his own pool!!! I can’t believe. I almost never swear or curse but OMFG comes out of my mouth. Even as long as I’ve known JD, I still can’t believe what he has done. The prospective date quickly back pedals and in one swift second, JD has screwed it up for both of us. Unbelievable! I ask him why in heck would he say that. He realizes it was a bonehead move and says it doesn’t fykin matter anyway. I said if it doesn’t matter, then why are you here???? Go back home and leave the women alone. Don’t step up to the plate unless you bring your again. Don’t be a poseur or a wannabe. If you aren’t ready to take this woman home, then don’t even meet her. By that I mean if you aren’t seriously interested, don’t even make the attempt. Woman can typically “smell” insincerity like dogs smell fear.

Taz theres something here i don't understand.  WHy is it this woman knows you and why is she turned off when she hears JDs name??  I thought this was a new woman you were intro JD to??

[Taz]

I have explained to her that I was here with my friend JD. She is ultra-conservative and I knew the only way I could likely get her to meet him would be by not mentioning his name at all than have them meet or take him with me.

I had mentioned that I was here on vacation (which was 100% true) and JD was hear to find his other half. This is a woman I've already met on short notice through the second agency. I hope that clears it up.