Teaching moment, learn from another's missteps Part 1

[Taz]

Glad you are enjoying the saga as well. I was married to a Russian woman so I am not the guy going a million times with nothing to show for it. I am divorced now but that is an incredibly long story for another book. I can say that my ex-RW wife would marry me again in a second though. I asked for the divorce.

With respect to the timeline of the stories, some of the events with JD are a while ago and others are more recent as in the last few years. I'd say they span a period of about 6 or 7 years. I did just the "highlights". There is a lot more info to be gleaned from JD but it would be more of the nuances than the major bullet points.

I personally was never a serial dater. I didn’t want to date 10 women at a time. I probably could have done it but it isn’t my nature. I’d tend to find one and stick with her. Lana is as I represent her. She is one of the “golden ones”. She is the type of woman that most foreign men seek but rarely find. I'd put her in the top 3% of all women I've met.

I personally am pretty laid back but I also have very high standards. I have a lot to offer the right woman. I also want the woman to be the complete package. What I see my biggest fault to be is I need to lose 20 pounds. That is how I see it. The RW don’t ever see it as an issue. I guess it is my “big soul” that balances it out. I don’t think I am God’s gift to women but I do treat women well. I am not too much of an obnoxious jerk. I have a good grasp of their culture and my language skills are adequate. If I was more of a jerk, I could be a novi ruski (new Russian). 

[AnastassiaAsh]

Taz, I am pretty glued to your 'saga' too.  Especially those cute intimate moments. You make me remember and relive my own happy experience. 

When Lance (my late husband) visited me for the first time i was also impressed by his neatness, clothes, smell, especially this hand lotion he was using. Till this day when i smell it, it triggers everything in me and it becomes absolutely unbearable.   

By the way Lana's words to you 'Hitryj chelovek' actually mean 'a cunning man'. Because 'intelligent' is 'umnyj', but 'hitryj' has actually negative connotation. But i am sure she didn't mean to hurt you or anything, she just meant that you caught her. 

[SANDRO43]

smell, especially this hand lotion he was using. Till this day when i smell it, it triggers everything in me and it becomes absolutely unbearable.

Nastya, you gave me an idea about a new "Perfumes & Smells" thread .

[Taz]

Anastassia- YOU understand why I use unique cologne. I want it to trigger a reaction every time. That is why I described it in detail. I think in general it is a good idea for a man (and woman). I want the woman to think of me every time she smells that particular scent. It reinforces her connection with me. It is important to connect with woman on many different levels. The more levels you connect on, potentially the stronger the relationship.

In a way it is similar to when you are a child and later in life you remember a particular type of food your grandmother or mother would make. To this day I can still remember the smell from when my mom would prepare beef stroganoff. My mouth will begin to water (salivate) when I smell that smell. I want to have that kind of effect on the women that are important to me. A woman's nose is much more sensitive than a man's so she can discern more subtle differences than men can. Additionally her sensitivity to smell varies along with her hormonal cycles that all men are too well aware of.

As for hitri, it is a matter of context. I've seen it definted as "artful". I didn't use that term as most people wouldn't get it. There is a difference between intelligence and being clever. In english "cunning" can have both a negative and positive inference. It is very much a contextual word and I've seen that in Russian. For example I've seen hitri used with respect to criminals and it was very negative meaning. I've seen a different context where the woman spoke about the man in a positive way. In my situation the meaning Lana meant would have been ingenuis or ingenuity or izobretatel'nost' (изобретательность) in Russian. Languages are interesting because so often the meaning changes because of context. That is what I love about Enlgish. Bad can mean good and good can mean bad. It is amazing two different cultures can communicate at all. You can call someone and @$$hole and it can be a good thing!

[Taz]

Sorry it has taken longer than I've planned but here it is. The next episode in the sage of JD. I will caution you there is somewhat graphic content (bad words) in it so if you are easily offended I should quote JD and tell you to ... off but that isn't my style.

In spite of JD’s attitude, the meeting was actually going fairly well with Sveta because of her determination.  She was really up for this in spite of her injury (foot). I was helping out in any way I could. I was keeping things on track, keeping the conversation flowing. Sveta was really enjoying herself. I was pretty impressed with her so far. About 30 years old, sweet personality and a pretty nice body and face.

Then somewhere I said something to JD that caused him to become really PO’d. I was simply trying to keep him on track and not wander off into the weeds. Sveta was truly a nice girl and would make someone a great wife as far as I could tell. You CAN’T underestimate the advantage of having a personal referral!!!! It is like having a pre-qualified sales lead. It is much easier to close the deal.

Anyway it looked like JD was going to do his version of Chernoble. He was ready to meltdown and this one wasn’t going to be pretty. I told him to just relax. I was just trying to get him to not be such a tight @$$ and relax. He then launches into a tirade. “Taz, WTF! WTF!? Why are you fykin’ bustin’ my balls. It is so much harder than it used to be. I don’t need you fykin’ bustin’ my chops. I don’t give a sh!t about this anymore! I am just not feeling it.”

Me. “JD, I am not busting your chops. You just need to relax a bit. Sveta is a nice girl. If you are unhappy right now, don’t show it to her. If you are unhappy with me, keep it to your self. I am just trying to help you. I’ve been there any time you’ve needed help on a trip.”

JD.”I don’t need your fykin’ help Taz. Just leave me the fyk alone. I’ll do it on my own. Just leave me the fyk alone and I’ll deal with it.”

Me. “JD, you are such a d!ckhead I can’t believe. Time and again you’ve been introduced to nice woman and you just throw them away. How many woman have you met? How many have you “felt”? You’ve “felt up” more women than you’ve “felt”. Sveta is a nice woman you could do FAR worse than her!”

JD “Just leave me along you c0cksucker! I don’t need your fykin’ help. I’ll do it on my own or not do it all. Just leave me the fyk alone!!!”

Me “JD, fine. Have it your way! Just remember, even the best athletes in the world need a trainer or a coach. Sure they could maybe do it on their own but why when they can be so much better with the help? If you want to do it on your own, fine. I am not saying another damn word. I quit. Good fykin luck!!!!”

Me. “Sveta,(my English translation of what I said to her in Russian) excuse me but JD has requested that I don’t help you (plural you) any more. It is obvious he doesn’t appreciate my help so I won’t waste my energy anymore. It is nothing personal with you. You are an attractive, sweet and sincere woman and any man would be lucky to have you!

Sveta “Taz, I APPRECIATE your help. Please help us.”

Me “Sveta, JD asked me to NOT help. I am tired of arguing with him. It isn’t worth my energy. I have a long drive back to Kiev yet tonight. Excuse me please.”

JD “Fatty, what is Tim saying to her?”

Fatty “JD, he said you are  motherfykn’ c0cksukin’, douche bag and he hates your guts!”

JD “WHAT? WTF? Is that what he fykin said? That MF! Taz, you MF!”

Fatty “I am just kidding, JD, he didn’t say the MF part.”

I thought JD was going to totally meltdown. The reactor core was overheating and the coolant system was apparently shut off at this point. It was just a matter of minutes, nay seconds, until he totally melted down and took everyone with him.

Me “JD, I was simply answering Sveta’s request for help. I didn't disparage your character. YOU do that well enough yourself!”

I then started talking with Fatty for awhile. We had a good conversation. He was surprised how intense JD could be and he had never seen this side of his personality in the short time we’d all known each other.

Fatty “Taz, you were a little hard on him.”

Me “Fatty, I know it. I did it on purpose. His negativity will be focused on me and maybe he’ll finally relax with Sveta.”

Sveta “Taz, PLEASE help us. I don’t care what JD says. We NEED your help. Please help us!”

Me “Sveta, I would be glad to help but JD doesn’t want me to help. I am stuck with him in the car for the next 7 hours or so. I don’t need an argument for the entire time.”

Sveta “Taz, please help us. We really need it.”

Me “Sveta, I’ll tell you what I can do. I’ll help you but not him? How’s that?

Sveta “THANK YOU!!!!”

So for about 10 minutes I helped Sveta. Things moved at a snails pace but they were inching forward at least. Then it was time to go. We all got up to leave.

As we left the restaurant, JD asked for me to take a photo with him and Sveta. I thought to myself. There is a waste of time. He’ll never see Sveta again. I knew it, I felt it. It was just a matter of time. The more available she made herself to him, the less he was interested in her.

We gave Sveta money for a taxi and saw her off. We gave a lift to Fatty home. It was already dark and the snow was definitely picking up. We gassed up before leaving town as I didn’t really know how the route would be back to Kiev as it would be different than coming down as I really planned on avoiding the bridge that was out.

We were making pretty good time until the snow became pretty bad. So much for a forecast of light snow. The roads were snow packed and it wasn’t fun driving. So far the GPS was doing pretty good and did have us on some decent roads. Until…

Until we had to go through this Podunk little town. It said “Turn right in 100 meters.” It looked like a driveway rather than a road. We ignored it and went a bit further. Turned on another road and it did a new route calculation and said we would have to drive another 80km and add at least an hour to our time back to Kiev.

JD and I agreed to turn around and go back. We had to loop around about 10km just to get back because of roads being blocked or made 1 way. Finally got back to the road we were supposed to go down. I looked at JD and he looks back at me. I asked him if he wants to go for it. He says he doesn’t know. It is snowing pretty heavily and this road looks more like a goat trail than a road. It reminds me of the one road I was on when going to Mari from Zap. I tell him so. I had told him earlier in more vivid detail than I wrote here so he knows how bad it really could be.

I turn down the road and proceed very cautiously. Keep in mind this is supposed to be a “major” road in Ukraine. I see JD ducking down in the car and I am inclined to do the same. There are very low hanging branches crossing the road and they scrape over the rough of the car. I am surprised that a bus hasn’t been down this road and possibly broken them off.

The road goes from “two lanes” wide (if you are driving Lada) to maybe 1 and a half lanes wide. The headlights are pretty much covered with slop from the driving on the road so we can’t see very well. We go about 10 more kilometers and it is down to about one lane wide and no more asphalt on the road. We now have to pick our way around the potholes. They are getting bigger but we can’t easily see them until our wheels sometimes drop into them.

JD is really starting to get nervous. I don’t think he really believed me when I said how bad that one town was. Now he is getting a firsthand taste of it and he doesn’t really like it too much. Quite honestly it isn’t as bad as the other town but I am pretty sure that there is plenty of time for it to get worse. We go along at about 10-15 km/h (about 6-10mph) and we are being extra careful. If we have a problem here, it would take hours for anyone to find us and our cell phones don’t work here. We lost signal a good 15km back

We are in really deep now. It is down to one lane wide. The potholes are often as wide as the entire road. We are driving off the road, into the weeds, forest, wherever we can to get around some of the holes. In the back of my mind I am really beginning to be concerned. We are truly a long ways away from anywhere. Then out of nowhere, I see people walking down the road. This really beautiful woman is escorting an old lady who I assume was her grandmother.

I am thinking we at last might be reaching civilization again. Maybe we are at least near a bus stop or store. Why else would granny and the hot chick be out walking in the middle of nowhere. JD thinks the same thing. We pick our way for at least another good 20 km and nothing! Still no civilization. After about a total of 35km on this crappy road, we see a little store. Finally after another 20 km we come to a crossroad of an actual major highway. I can see cars crossing our road off in the distance at a pretty rapid pace so I was pretty excited. It took us a good 5-10 minutes after seeing these cars to actual reach it but it was definitely a relief. I pull off the road and clean our headlights with the water I kept in the car and we are good to go.

So we hit the highway and time to put the hammer down. Pretty soon the little Hyundai is back up to about 160 km/h. The snow has tapered off and the roads are pretty much just wet. I am wound up to about 180 and I get passed by a guy in a Volvo wagon. He was running about 200. JD and I are both ready to make up some time and this is the closest thing we’ve seen to an Interstate in the last 5 hours of driving. We seem to be hanging with the Volvo pretty well until he finally floors his car and our little Hyundai has nothing left to give and the Volvo pulls away from us.

Where I come from we have a couple sayings for this kind of guy. He would be “beat the bears from the bushes” or sometimes known as a “birddog”. Either way he would have been good to flush out the militia from the upcoming roads for us if we could have kept him in sight. I could have watched out for his brake lights and slowed down where necessary. With no birddog in front of us, I decide to back it down quite a bit. I don’t need any close encounters of the militia kind at this point.

I slow down to a reasonable 130 and we are still making up some time. Kiev is about 3-4 hours off if weather isn’t any worse and no more militia. I am starting to relax a bit. It wasn’t more than 5 minutes later as I see someone running from the left side of the road. They almost run into us. It is someone actually out on the road, running across a major (4 lane) highway. At the last second I swerve right narrowly missing the idiot. At the last second I also realize it was the militia. I recognized his little uniform, white baton and reflective bands sewn at the cuffs of the pants and jacket sleeves.

I think OMG! JD noticed it was the militia too. He said that guy is going to be one PO”d MF! I had already decided a course of action. Captain Kirk to Sulu on Federation Starship Enterprise. “Sulu, lay in a course to the Orion Galaxy, warp factor 10! Engage warp drive on my mark. Mark!” Sulu “Aye-aye Captain. Warp drive engaged.”

Well instead of Sulu I had JD. One thing JD and I both have in common is a penchant for high speeds. That is one hobby we both have in common so he isn’t a stranger to high speeds. We’ve both done a lot of racing but his was mostly quarter mile and I did a lot of off-road, desert racing, MX and through in quite a few road races on cars and motorcycles along with a few endurance events as well. I’ve spent more than my fair share of time on the autobahn as well so I was pretty good to go.

We see the officer running back to his car. My biggest unknown is what exact type of car he had. I am not overly concerned about radios here but that is an explanation for another day. Let’s just say JD is a communications expert when it comes to all types of radio, radar, etc. I’d really like to know what we are up against so I could determine what advantages we have, if any. I also know that it would be truly hard to ID our car given the weather and our speed.

JD is keeping an eye behind us and I am focusing on the road ahead. He thinks he sees flashing lights behind us. Well this isn’t really good news but to be expected. After about 10 km, we still haven’t been able to really make any distance on our pursuer but I am not being really crazy either nor do I have any plans to do so. I have no desire to be killed so I wait for safe places to pass.

Finally what I’ve been hoping for a long straight with no traffic. I put the pedal to the metal and keep it mashed there. The little Hyundai is straining but performing well. GPS reads 190…191…190…the speed is climbing agonizingly slow...191..192…193…until if finally reaches 198 km/h. That appears to be our Vmax under these circumstances. I am pretty impressed. It edges up to about 207 on a decent downhill.

I still wish I was in one of my cars from home. We’d have at least another 50-100 km/h to play with before hitting the speed limiter let alone true, unrestricted Vmax. FINALLY we are putting some distance on our little buddy. GPS indicates there is a decent road coming up from the looks of it. I signal a left turn and as we go down a little hill I see the road and go left on it.

I hit my brakes (not very hard) and the car just starts skiing along. The car in front of me is doing the exact same thing but he keeps sliding off and goes totally off the road into the ditch on the opposite side of the road. Thanks to our snow tires we don’t follow him but I do slow down to a very reasonable pace. We are about 2 km down the road when I see a set of lights pirouetting down the hill that we had an issue with. I just keep cruising along minding my own business on this road. Near as I can tell it was either the officer or someone else. All that matter at this point was we appeared to be out of the woods at this point.

It was about this time when JD decided he would say as the Bostonians say “Taz, I need to take a wicked piss!” I can’t believe my ears. The cop could still be pretty close and he wants me to stop so he can urinate. I tell him to hold it or pee in a cup or bottle. He replied that he didn’t think the bottle would hold it as he really had to go. We are on the outskirts of a town and it is fairly big. I tell him to just wait a minute or too and we’ll find a place to go.

We are only in the town about 2 minutes and we come to a traffic circle at the center of town. We make a right on the circle and are immediately stopped by the militia with guns drawn. JD is a bit tense right now. He says “Taz, WTF did you get us into?” I advise him to just shut up and be calm. Play this cool and we should be fine. JD has to take a “wicked piss” so I don’t know how cool he is going to be. He’ll probably piss himself right now. I ask JD “Do you remember the movie Deliverance? Do you remember the line “Bend over that log and squeal like a pig?” by any chance?” I am thinking there is a good chance we’ll be getting a rectal exam with an AK-47 pretty soon. I know I have no money left to help out at this time and my ATM card is totally worth it. The way I figure it, JD will have to “take one for the team!”

Time for another intermission. Let’s just say our night went downhill from here. Next in Episode 15, Does Taz learn to speak AK-47? Does JD becomes someone’s bitch in jail? Is it possible to “buy” your way out of jail and what is the going rate? Perhaps it is just Montana time. I’ll give you a clue. This was one of the most stressful nights of my life but stay tuned. I forgot to add. I am professional. Don’t try any of these stunts on your own. You are on your own if you do. Past performance is not indicated of future performance. I am not as stupid as JD looks. Neither is JD.

[Teddy KGB]

Wow.. this is great reading. Makes me want to stuff my Modded Turbo MazdaSpeed6 into a shipping container to have it when I go over there. Last top speed run I did before making any power mods she was good for over 155MpH (~250ish K/h). Now.. who knows, but im sure it's significantly more. Too bad there is snow on the ground here in New York, otherwise I'd know for sure.

Anyways, if you EVER need a travel companion who is appreciative and can fly great wing, in addition to also having a private ticket (and whos very serious about his own search for a RW) you can call me anytime! Plus I'm not a boneheaded self destructive person like your friend.

[Shadow]

If you do not dare to drive your Mazda with snow in NY, better not ship it. Probably you will send it right back once you see the Russian and Ukrainian roads. 

[Teddy KGB]

If you do not dare to drive your Mazda with snow in NY, better not ship it. Probably you will send it right back once you see the Russian and Ukrainian roads. 

You mean If the FSU mafia doesn't try stealing it first. But yes, it's off the road once the temp drops below 0C, even though it is All Wheel Drive.

[Shadow]

You mean If the FSU mafia doesn't try stealing it first. But yes, it's off the road once the temp drops below 0C, even though it is All Wheel Drive.

There is no FSU mafia. There are businessmen with business goals that require actions to be approved in other ways then by the writtten book, but there is no mafia. 

[Taz]

Of course there is no mafia in Russia (or Ukraine). But everybody needs a "krisha". What is a house if it doesn't have a "roof". Your roof of course will bad things from happening to you as long as you keep up your payments to the roof. Apparently a roof needs a lot of money for "repairs" in Russia.

Just in case you didn't get it krisha=roof=your little helpers. Sort of like the garbage workers in NYC if you get my drift. You need something done at city hall, just call the sanitary engineers. Leave $200k in an envelope in your trash can and all will be taken care of.

[Teddy KGB]

There is no FSU mafia.

Of course there is no mafia in Russia (or Ukraine).

Can I please please come and live on your happy planet? 

[Taz]

To say we were both stressed as the police approached would be an understatement. Officer comes up and taps on the window and I calmly as possible roll it down. He asks me for my documents. I answer in English. He doesn’t understand and I “don’t understand” Russian either. He points to the rental car sign on the car’s windshield and I nod my head and hand him the document he asked for.

He then starts talking to the other officer. I am getting a little concerned at this point. JD is thinking we definitely have been “made”. The guy starts talking to me in Russian. He asks me to get out of the car. I am thinking uh oh, this isn’t good. It is never good when they want you to get out of the car. I hand him my driver’s license as though I thought that is what he wanted. It isn’t and I know it but he doesn’t know that I actually know what he wants. He starts reading off my information and gets to “Montana”. About this time JD blurts out something in English and says that I (Taz) is from Montana and we are going to Kiev.

The says something to JD and the last word is American. JD understands “American” and then informs the office he is an American too. Officer parrots back American. JD nods his head and again says we are going to Kiev. I say we are the way to the airport in Kiev. The officer doesn’t have a clue of what we are saying based on his sidebar conversation with the other officer. I motion with my hands that we are hungry and I saw we are looking for restaurant and toilet. The then tries to explain to me by pointing back at where we came from while telling me in Russian that we did something very bad.

JD keeps repeating Kiev and I keep saying toilet and restaurant. They officer tries to explain to me that I didn’t stop completely at the turn there and I should have. I look back where he is point and I say spasibo (thank you in Russian) and repeat restaurant and toilet. I gesture again back to where he was pointing and say toilet as if a question? I was trying to make him think that I thought he was showing me the way to either a toilet or a restaurant. He chuckles and hands me back my documents and wishes me a safe trip.

I get the hell out of there but JD still needs to relieve himself and quite honestly, at this point so do I. JD says he really needs to go. I ask him where as I don’t see any places. He says anywhere will do. I pull off about 3 blocks away on a little side street. JD decides not to get out. I on the other hand really can’t wait any longer. I get out and start to empty my bladder as if I drive another 100 yards it will empty itself. JD is in shock. Unbelievably, he is in shock. I never thought that would happen.

I am no urinating as discretely as possible on the side of the road while standing near the car. JD says “I can’t fykin believe it! You just get pulled over by the cops that likely should have arrested us and now you are p!ssing on their town. Why the hell didn’t I THINK OF THAT!” So he starts to get out of the car to join me as it somehow seemed fitting to him. I wasn’t making a statement; I simply couldn’t wait any longer.

Just as JD is getting out, along comes a car with militia in it and they decide to turn on the little side street we are on. JD is scrambles back into the car. I try to turn as discretely as possible so they can’t see what I am actually doing. I end up “washing the car” as I turn. I finally am pointed so they can’t see me. I tried to stop the flow but there was no stopping it. I had a couple liters in me and there was no chance I could stop it at this point until I was on empty.

Finally the militia go on buy and I am laughing so hard I can’t seem to aim straight. As I realize the absurdity of it all my aim becomes even more errant. I am about to start laughing uncontrollably so I hope the flow will end soon. JD realizes what is going on and starts to laugh too. It was sort of a sublimely absurd moment that you’d have to be there to truly appreciate. I ask JD if he needs to go now and he decides to wait. The best move he made the entire trip.

I hop back in the car and off we go. The snow is getting really intense again. JD finally decides we’ve gone far enough so there will be no police involvement. He wants me to pull off. I am trying to decide where. Three feet high snow banks? Finally I find a place and he takes care of business and I wash our headlights and we are back on the road. Snow is getting really bad again. Cars are off in the ditches. I see big snowplows trying to pull big trucks out of what looks to be a river or a lake. Can’t quite tell but I know I don’t want to go in it.

We drive further and more normal cars off the road and another snowplow. JD is hungry and so am I at this point. It is not pretty late and we still have a ways to go to Kiev. I just want a nice warm RW to curl up into and call it a night. JD agrees with my plan. As we are driving along, we encounter an area that was pretty cool. It appeared to be along a dam sort of area but tough to tell because of the snow. There were all these little houses setup as mini restaurants or outdoor cafes. There must have been about 3-5km of these little places setup. Some had little heated tents where you could eat outside as the actual house/kitchen wasn’t much bigger than a single room in an apartment.

It was sort of like a trucker’s rest area along this route. I wanted to stop and get something to eat but JD didn’t. He was still remembering the hair on his shaurma too vividly. It was really pretty cool to see. There were probably close to 80 trucks parked along the rows of mini restaurants and about another 40 or so cars. It definitely wasn’t a bad idea given the road conditions and numbers of accidents.

We finally clear this area and the snow gets even worse. They really missed the forecast on this one. Fortunately living in “Montana” I am no stranger to snow. I’d have preferred my own car or truck but so far the little Hyundai has done pretty well. We see cars littered on the side of the road like condoms in a rock stars dressing room.

Finally the GPS says we are about 190km from Kiev or so. I am thinking that if we had some decent conditions we could be in Kiev in a little over an hour if I could crank it up a bit and run at higher speeds. Almost as if my wish had been granted, it stops snowing and we come to a fair sized town. As we are driving along looking for some place to it, I can’t help but notice how many apartment buildings there are. I comment that is where they “stack the chicks. Those are the chick warehouses.”

From then on every time JD saw an old soviet era apartment building he laugh and call them a chick warehouse. Well this town was filled with chick warehouses. There were an amazing number of good looking chicks walking on the street but not a single restaurant open. JD said he’d be glad to dine at a chick warehouse and quite honestly at that point I was interested but in only one chick warehouse and that was Lana’s! I couldn’t believe it but I was actually missing her but I couldn’t talk with JD about it.

As we were heading through town, who should call me but Fatty. I was surprised to hear from him but glad to anyway. He just wanted to see if we made it to Kiev yet. I said not yet but maybe in an hour or so. He started to talk about Sveta (the woman he introduced us to) and what a good girl she was. I said don’t talk to me, talk to JD about it. So he called up JD. Once I heard how he was “selling” her to JD I asked JD to hand me the phone for a sec. I then told Fatty (in Russian) to just drop it about Sveta. I explained that the harder he tried to sell her to JD, the less interested he would be and I was right.

Anyway we were almost to the end of the town and I needed to focus on the road. So on we drove and finally turned on a decent highway. Now we could make some decent time. I was just getting back up to warp speed when JD wanted to talk. For some reason he decided to start recounting all my/our encounters with the militia.

I said I didn’t need any hassles with the norns. If you don’t know about the norns, I suggest you look them up. Perhaps you have heard of the Wyrd Sisters. Anyway it has to do with Norse mythology. Well JD just doesn’t get my less than subtle hint to shut up about this topic. I tell him you should never count your money while sitting at the table (poker reference) and just let it go. But NOOOOooooo. He just can’t take a hint. The more he talks the more stressed I get.

There is a part of my family that has always been well connected in a spiritual sense. My mom’s side of the family is Cherokee and they were the “medicine men” bloodline so to speak. My mom was always attuned to nature and both my parents had this intense psychic (if you want to call it that) ability for premonitions. Well (un)fortunately I inherited this (gift) that I apparently have no control over. Call it my “Secret Spidey Sense” and let me tell you it was tingling as intensely as I’ve ever experienced.

He starts with the first stop just outside of Kiev and starts laughing about “You know Montana?” and keeps on running them down. I don’t really need a David Letterman’s top ten list of how Taz got out of going to jail, paying huge bribes, outrunning the militia, etc. right at this moment. It is bad karma, kismet, whatever you want to call it. We aren’t in the clear yet. Sure, Taz may have some charm and wit but at some point your luck just runs out no matter how good you are. I am not so full of myself to think that there still isn’t time for something to go wrong. Once I am back on “friendly soil” then I’ll be glad to recount all our (mis)adventures and fondly reminisce but not is NOT the time to do so.

He then insists on breaking down how often Montana has worked. I don’t need an itemized bill at this point. I don’t care what worked as long as it works. Finally he finishes up his detailed, statistical norm with std. deviation computed and is satisfied with the results. I am just dreading the next hour now. I can feel it. For lack of a better phrase, JD has just fyked me/us and I can feel it. I am NEVER wrong about these things. Never, ever has my secret Spidey sense failed me! Nor did it now.

I decided to back way out of the throttle. I am now going slower than a lot of the traffic. I only pass when it is clearly a legal passing zone. I am crossing my “Т’s” and dotting my “i’s”. I am leaving nothing to chance even though I know it won’t be enough. Every kilometer closer to Kiev my dread and sense of doom increases. I feel like I am on a death march and JD is just having the time of his life.

I am focused on the road like a man possessed. I am just waiting for the brown stuff to hit the fan. I didn’t have to wait much longer. I am following another guy after he passed me at warp speed. We go around a turn at the end of a high speed straight (where I resisted the urge to go really fast and follow the guy) and I am doing about 120 or so. I see the militia, they see me. They let the guy in front of me go even though he had just passed me at warp 11 and flag me down.

JD asks me if I am going to gun it and run. I just look at him and say NFW! This is not the time to do it. We are close to Kiev and I KNOW it would be the wrong thing to do. I stop almost immediately as soon as he flags me down. This is going to get ugly and I can just feel it. They should have stopped the other guy but they didn’t. There were two of them out on the road.

Officer comes up to me. Asks me for my documents in Ukrainian, not Russian. I know I don’t want to speak Russian now for sure. I am being compliant but slow but I know it isn’t going to work. The guy becomes impatient and asks me to step out of the car. He immediately grabs all my documents.

Time for another intermission. In Episode 16 we’ll have the conclusion to the traffic stop. Previously I had been wondering where we would stay in Kiev. At this point I was just wondering if we would get out jail in time to make our flight. It was seriously ugly. JD never did find out all the details. That traffic stop did make me rethink my plans to ever drive again in Russia or Ukraine. It truly isn’t for the faint of heart.

[DKMM]

I think this JD is your alter ego, like a Fight Club thing.

[Taz]

It would be great if no real person was like this and it was all just a figment of my imagination! 

JD is real but I think he is actually trying to improve. If he finds the right girl, he might make a good husband. She'd have to be incredibly tolerant during the dating phase though. Once they get things at least steady between them, it would be a time that JD could relax and is usualy character (i.e. not how he is in the FSU) could return.

[Jazzyclassy]

I think this JD is total freak nuts and his level of being immature just hits  all the straws in the camel's back
He probably wont have stable marriage until he changes himself completely, and I totally agree with Voyager's wife who told that if person is 40 y.o. and never been married definitely he has huge problems with his mentality that is how I think

This story one more time shows how crazy those nevermarried old western men can be!

God is a judge to him of course, none of us can do it, but a man who allows his girlfriend  do  an abortion is already not a man !!! and then is dating some woman who already has a child, why the hell you got rid of your own child , one wants to ask him!!!

I personally find this story disgusting , thank you for sharing it of course there are any kind of situations in life , but such guys whom you tell us about make me sick

[AnastassiaAsh]

:brightidea:   I propose to give Taz a Medal for this 'novel'!     

[Makkin]

Hi,

  It's great reading from Taz and always look forward to his next chapter of the FSU in his eyes. Not only the JD episodes but also the keen insights Taz offers are very interesting and easily understandable. Seems his experience is vast and the way he explains events and happenings makes it much easier to learn and understand.
  Sadly people like JD make it hard on those who are sincere,kind,caring,and totally commited to an honest relationship. The damage JD has done hurts those good men who must explain and re-explain themselves in hopes that the FSU women may trust them better if at all. Is like your guilty before doing anything..lol

Makkin

[acrzybear]

Come on Taz  it's been 3 days now    did you join the writers strike ???

[Taz]

I've just been super busy at work. Unfortunately my "day" job keeps me pretty busy and and fortunately (or unfortunately depending on you look at it) my job has a huge effect on a lot of people. So if I don't complete a project or fix something when there is an issue it can impact lots of people. They key word here is lots. Like numbers in the 6 digit number range. Let's just say my normal job can be pretty stressful and when I get a vacation I truly deserve it.

Anyway thanks for all the kind words. I am glad the effort is appreciated. I never intended to write a novel. I wish I would have been able to spend more time proofreading. Hopefully y'all got what I meant to write even when I fat-fingered a few words in my rush to get it all written and "published". Don't fret too much though, the next episode is almost finished.

I have a feeling that JD is definitely going back. He has been bouncing ideas off me. I am definitely going back when I can. I have about 5 or 6 weeks of vacation time right now and I'll have almost another 2 or 3 weeks available by May/June. With any luck I might be able to go camp out in Ukraine or Russia for a month straight. Only problem with that is getting someone to cover my responsibilities while I am gone. Last trip I was constantly deaing with email and projects even while I was gone.

JD has a lot of time accrued; something on the order of 4 weeks or so. He is thinking about going for a fairly long term as well. I have no plans to go with him if I can possibly avoid it. On one hand I am concerned about him and I'd like to help out but on the other hand my sanity can't take it.

It has been a while since I've used my Russian and I'm afraid I might forget it. I'll have to review my Ruslan materials that I used to learn Russian. When I do go I plan to have just a nice relaxing vacation and explore some of my favorite places like Sudak, Alushta, Baichisarai, Kara-Dag, Vorontsov Palace, Khersones and a few others. If you are in Ukraine, these are definitely some wonderful place to see. Write them down now and up them on your "must see" places if you end up in Ukraine. Trust me, you won't be disappointed!

If I am really feel like getting away the taiga and Ozera Baikal (both in Russia in case you don't know) would be a nice getaway but still a bit cold in spring. Montana is cold this time of year and I am tired of seeing snow. Anyway a vacation sounds wonderful right now as long as I don't have too see snow and deal with the cold. Meeting a woman on vacation would be even better! Now accepting applications for the future "Mrs. Taz." 

Look for the next episode in the next day or so if I don't have to go out of town. Friday night US time would be the most likely time I can post it.

[Jazzyclassy]

So that was just your invented  novel Taz, oi I thought it was all true , poor me 

[Shadow]

Taz, I am sure the local militia look forward to your next trip 

[Taz]

My novel is all true other than the names have been changed to protect the guilty/innocent.

I know the militia is looking forward to my next trip. I'll be sure not to give them advance notice though. 

[acrzybear]

=  

[ISORW]

Wow.. this is great reading. Makes me want to stuff my Modded Turbo MazdaSpeed6 into a shipping container to have it when I go over there. Last top speed run I did before making any power mods she was good for over 155MpH (~250ish K/h). Now.. who knows, but im sure it's significantly more. Too bad there is snow on the ground here in New York, otherwise I'd know for sure.

Tust me you don't want to ever drive your MS6 there...the roads are not great.  I have an 800 hp sports car that sits 3 inches off the ground and I entertained ideas of buying a sports car over there (I saw a nice '08 z06 in Kiev but now I realize it was more for show than go) but after the numerous times I've skylaunched (me, not the car) off my seat while driving fast there, no way.  The undercarriage, intercooler, exhaust system and who knows what else would be ripped off my car in short order if I drove anything resembling decent speed.

[Taz]

In the last episode we left off where I did my usual slow but compliant drill when being stopped by the militia. This officer isn’t digging it too much. He is pretty wound up. I can tell by the officer's tone that this is going downhill quickly as he takes ALL my documents. He is gesturing down the road, up the road, at my car and pointing at the GPS in the car. FYI, many FSU countries have strict laws regarding the internal importation and usage of GPS by foreign citizens. There is a young man sitting in a Russian jail because he happened to have a GPS in the wrong area. They basically charged him with espionage.

With my documents in hand, the officer shows me a baton he is carrying, situated next to his AK47 which doesn't seem to have the safety on by the way. I personally don't want to test my assumption. He points to a readout on his baton. Apparently his baton is a radar gun. He has clocked us at allegedly 130km/h. I know there is no way this is the case. Maybe the car in front of us was going that fast but I've been on my toes to keep everything squeaky clean especially after JD's insistence to count how many times we’ve skated after being stopped by the militia.

I point to the speedometer in the car and show 110 on it. He again points to 130 on his baton.  I indicate with my hands that he is incorrect and max we were doing is 110. He asks me to step out of the car. I don't comply as I don't "understand" Russian. He opens the car door and gestures for me to leave the car. I tell JD this isn't good. His reply is I know it buddy. The other officer that was waiting outside looking for more customers walks back and meets us back at the car. The officer “invites” me to sit in the car. If you missed this in an earlier post, try to avoid EVER getting in their car. It is never a good thing. You can easily be robbed in there, set up, etc. Officer 1 hands my documents to officer 2. He starts reviewing my information.

Officer 1 starts asking me a ton of questions. Where are we coming from? Where are we going? How long have we been in Ukraine? Where did we rent the car? In total he asked about 50 questions I'd guess. He then asks me if I know what I've done. To each question I've answered "Ya ne ponedelknik” which is “I a not Monday” in English but it sort of close to the phrase in Russian for “I don’t understand”. The other officer asks me a bunch of questions in Polish. I don't understand Polish 100% but enough of it to get the gist of his questions and realize they are about the same..

This goes on for quite a while. I can see JD trying to check out what is going on. It is a pretty tense situation and it seems to be going downhill even more. These officers are definitely the “hungry” type. I hear "Aga!" from officer number 2. Aga in Russian is like Aha, in English. He has just found something that I am sure isn't going to be good for me. Apparently one of the earlier officers who previously stopped me has kindly shafted me by keeping my immigration card. This card is given to you when you enter the country and shows that you went through passport control and are here legally. It has your personal info on it, where you are staying, where you entered, when you entered, etc. One of those things you aren’t supposed to “lose”. I always kept it IN my passport which was stored in a zippered pouch and never left my sight. Hotels usually want to see it as well when you check in to make sure you aren’t an illegal as well.

The current pair of officers is almost beside themselves with glee. Not only did they apprehend a real live, high roller but he might be here illegally as well. One more ticket and they've scored a trifecta. It is obvious they have dollar signs in their eyes at this point. So far I've escaped without paying a single kopeck to the militia while in Ukraine this trip or ever for that matter. Unfortunately I only have about 7 griven ($1.40 US) left in my wallet. If they want money from me, there isn't much. My ATM card doesn't work so that isn't much help. Both JD and I must fly out for work the next day after we return. It is almost midnight Saturday night. We have our flights Sunday morning to the US and then we both fly out Monday morning so this little SNAFU could have serious employment impact.

Officer 1 (O1 from now on) whips out his trust Ukrainian motor vehicle handbook and points out my first offense. He points to some rule that says that this area is supposedly a special zone where you can't exceed 60km/h. He then points to his inflated radar reading of 130. I gesture that I don't see a sign. He points down the road and shows me in his handbook again.

I gesture that I need glasses to read. I hold up my fingers around my eyes and show him I have no glasses but need them to read what he is showing me. He points again to the rule and then flips to the page that shows a little image of the sign. He then takes out a big piece of paper and writes 130 on it in BIG letters. Below it he writes 60 in BIG letters. I am about to laugh and I suppress it. If I wasn't here at this moment living it, it would be funny as hell. I take his pen, cross out the 130 and write 110 in even BIGGER letters.

O1 then writes 110, subtracts 60 from and writes 50 in BIG letters. O2 in the back seat then says this is a BIG fine. It is so big we will need to go to court in Borispol. I hear the word Borispol and I say in English "I am going to the Borispol Airport. Can you show me the way?" O1 then repeats that it is a big fine. I will have to go to jail and wait for court if I can't pay it now. He also wants to see my immigration card too. He says this is another big fine as I am in the country illegally. I reply again "Ya ne ponedelnik."

Man this is going from bad to worse I am thinking. JD should have just kept his mouth shut. Overly (or overtly) tempting fate is not how I really want to live my life. I've now been with the officers for about an hour since being stopped. JD is fumbling around in the car. By now he has to be pretty cold. No chance of starting the car to warm up either.

O1 gets out his ticket book. He starts to write my information down. Again he repeats that it will be a big fine if I go to court. If we can't settle this now, I'll have to go to court in Borispol and wait until the judge shows up on Monday or maybe Tuesday. Again I reply ya ne ponedelnik. O2 says "bolshoi money" from the back seat which is a mixture of the Russian word big and money from English of course. It is his attempt to make me understand they want me to pay up now. He says immigratsia in Russian which means immigration. He says “ne legalni” which means not legal. I aks for my passport and they seem to understand what I mean. I start looking through my passport to try and find the immigration card. I always keep it all together so I know I didn't lose it.

As I am doing this, O2 says to O1 "We speak Ukrainian, we speak Russian and we speak Polish, but we don't speak damn English!" I almost chuckle to myself but again suppress it. O1 replies to O2 "Maybe after this guy we can afford to pay for English classes!" O2 just laughs in reply.

Finally I find the section I need in my passport. I find the stamp where I was admitted to the country and I show it to O1 and it clearly states the date and Borispol Airport. I've successfully, albeit partially, countered the illegal immigrant charge without giving away I speak Russian. Not much I can do about the speeding rap though. They definitely must have clocked the guy in front of me. I hear them discussing it that maybe it wasn't me going that fast but it doesn't matter. As long as they have one (me) it's better than none.

Again O1 begins to write me a ticket. His buddy says bolshoi money again and describes again in great detail how long I'll have to wait in jail and how expensive it will be if I have to go to court and on and on. These guys are relentless in trying to shake me down but I have no money or not enough to matter. I know it is just a matter of time before they up the pressure or take me to jail. I have to think of a way out of this before they have too much time invested and require a much bigger payday! The window of opportunity is quickly dwindling.

Time for another intermission. I have a really rough work schedule at the moment. I'll have Episode 17 though up in the next few days. In that episode I'll reveal the conclusion to the traffic stop. I'd like to see a quick show of hands of anyone who thinks it cost me in excess of $100 to get out this GD mess. Did any of you realize that militia don't always accept cash? Sometimes they are willing to "barter" and in lieu of cash they'll be glad to take a camera or something else of value? I like think of this as the Ukrainian/Russian version of "Let's Make a Deal!" Of course sexual "favors" also work in this bartering type of economy all to well. Not my personal experience of course but let's just say I've been witness to it.