Family Issues

[ian80au]

Hey people.

I'm just wondering when it comes to this sort of thing how do you deal with family issues when it comes to going down this path? Afterall you going to be asked questions about it.

[Turboguy]

What kind of family issues are you talking about?   I am guessing you mean the family asking why you are looking for a woman there or how they deliver a MOB.   Just tell them.  When they meet her they will understand.  Well either that or they will just know for sure you are nuts but if you chose well they will see someone who will be far better than they ever saw you with here and that goes a long way to explaining things without words.

[BillyB]

Hopefully you have a reputation on making good choices in life to where people won't ask you questions.

But if you are asked questions, the more defensive you sound, the more they think you don't know what you're doing. If you met a woman, talk about the fine qualities you notice about her and leave it at that. Some won't believe you no matter what you say anyway because they fear what they don't know.

If you bring her home, her actions speak louder than your words. Hopefully you done your homework and found a fine woman that you can be proud of. Choose wisely and people will not criticize anymore but become envious.

[I/O]

Choose wisely and people will not criticize anymore but become envious.

People will criticize regardless, that's the nature of the beast. Learn to live with it if you are going this route, because that is your future.

How you deal with it is up to you. I didn't, don't and never will seek everyone's approval. The comments will come, even in the most innocent ways at times. If there is vitriol, I know who is my closest friend and if other friends need to be cast aside, so be it. You will find the demographics of your friendship circle may very well change a little as a result.

If you are seeking pre approval for your ideas in this respect from F&F, I suggest you forget it and concentrate on the objective, if you can't forget it, then forget the objective because it will burn you up in the process.

I/O

[Turboguy]

The wisdom of your choice will play a lot in how much and when you hear comments.   I had very few negative comments and all before she arrived.  Once they met her they knew I had a wonderful woman and I have not heard a peep from anyone.    One person I know with an FSU bride had more critisizm after she arrived.   She is a good woman and he loves her but they do have some occassional problems and she has not won over the family as much as my wife. 

Personally what others thought was never a big concern for me.  They are not leading my life and I doubt they would change thier life much based on what I thought.

[Jet]

Ian,
The way I dealt with it was to get the family involved once I was relatively sure Liliya was the one. That interaction before my wife arrived did a lot to ease my family's initial concern as to Lil's motivations. Be prepared that your family will probably just parrot the tripe that the mass media perpetuates, because they simply don't know any better. Your job will be to educate them and assure them that you are aware of, and taking steps to avoid, the usual dangers associated with this quest.

Good Luck!

[myrddin]

I've given some thought to this recently, too.  I think some of my family is less likely to understand than my friends.  My friends don't completely understand me, anyway, but they just want me to be happy.  And maybe I'm underestimating some family members - they also want me to be happy. 

If answering questions were enough to deter me, I'd guess the real reason for that deterrence was something internal.

[cajungent]

I have 3 sisters.  I have never dated a girl in all my 36 years all 3 sisters liked.  Now I have been in communication and now committed to Natalya for 2 years and am making my second trip to see her next month.  As usual my older sister likes her.  My middle sister says she is happy if I am happy.  However, my youngest sister is having a cow about it.  But her husband is from England and does not claim to be a citizen of the United States.  So I guess it balances out.  I think my dad deep down always wanted to pursue the same path that I am so he don't say much.  They all say when she gets here she will leave you.  To which I reply, several American girls have left me.  I just try to convince them Natalya is a great girl and I love her and unless the USCIS screws it up for us we will be married.  In the end you can not please everyone in your family.  Just do what makes you happy.

[Raikov]

    It is your life after all, so you should make the decision in the best of your interest. Marry someone you love whether she lives thousands of miles away or just down the street. It's just impossible to please everyone. Follow your heart and things will become clear in the future.

[groovlstk]

As TG referenced above, if you are unlucky and foolish enough to marry a woman who doesn't love you, you'll get comments (mostly behind your back) from family, friends, & strangers. When you go out to restaurants or clubs with such a woman, all single guys in the place will focus on her. There are subtle ways that a woman displays her commitment to a man, and if she's a cold fish to you other men will pick up on it like predators smelling fresh blood.

Regardless, if this is the case you're stewed and ready for canning anyway, so there's nothing to be done about it.

Dealing w/family, friends, and strangers even w/an FSU woman who truly loves you is no breeze, either. Family and friends may be skeptical when she first arrives, and unfortunately this is the time she's most fragile and in need of support.

Suffice it to say, YOU had better be mature enough and committed enough to her to not allow external doubt to effect your relationship. Having her suspect that she changed your formerly close relationships with family and friends will be a black eye to her psyche; suck it up, move on to new friends if you must, but never ever allow her to think you're disappointed or would even consider choosing your friends over her, even for a second.

[ian80au]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Basically I was fising for feedback and advise simply becuase my family know about my track record with the ladies and that I haven't had much luck.

Simply cuz they're going to ask questions. I know this might be generallising but I've found Australian women similar to what you say about American women.

[Sandlapper]

I think family reactions really depend on how well they know you.

(Disregard the idiots who still live in the Cold War and think every Russian is a spy for a moment- I think every family has at least one!)

IME, the better travelled you are, the better chance your family will understand why you'd want to marry a foreigner.  When my passport-less cousin announced he was marrying a girl from Moscow, we were rightly amused at him- we counted on one hand the number of times he had even left the Carolinas, and quickly talked him out of his foolishness. 

The same family that thought he was an idiot was supportave the first time I had a serious relationship with a foreigner (She was a Brit, though.).  Maybe it's that I'm more rational- or that I've actually been places and seen things, and had met her somewhere besides the internet.

Focusing my insominiac fueled ramblings to a close,  how your family reacts also has a lot to do with how you act- act like you're doing something to be ashamed of, and they'll pick up on it.  Act confident and rational, and it can be a different story.  (Uncles ready to insert the missle key notwithstanding!  )

[ian80au]

Thanks for all the feedback people.
Even though I haven't totally given up on local ladies I'm starting to wonder if I have to go down this path.

I'm convinced that I am a anuptaphobic

[Jazzyclassy]

You need to cherish all the women if you eventually want to be with one, no matter Russian , English , french , Italian or whoever

If you have some negative feelings from the start towards woman's habits how she thinks and decline her point of view in the first place, you wont ever be able to cooperate with any woman.

As for the family , I am sure your family loves you and wishes only good to you , so what is happiness for you  is happiness for them they will accept it. As for friends as many told you will see who is your real friend who is not and also you wont be able to find approval in everybody cos it is just how life works.

I am sorry I could not find the definition of the word anuptaphobic, there were really strange alternatives coming up like , a person who is scared to pay rent or something connected with the food. Or you are scared to be physically close to women, heaven knows , there are so many phobias nowadays people invented for themselves.

[roykirk]

As others have noted, you will get comments no matter what.  For my casual friends, I just tell them I met her on vacation.  Not only is it technically true, but it's also very believable considering how much I travel.  My close family knows the truth, and even my mother expressed concern early on about "meeting some girl on the Internet."  Thanks for making me feel like a pedophile mom!     I can just see a future "To Catch a Predator:"   

Chris Mathews:  What are you doing here in Russia?
Me:  Uh, I thought I was here to meet some girl named Natasha.
Chris Mathews:  Why don't you go ahead and have a seat?

 

Anyway, you'll get questions and comments.  What you choose to tell them is up to you.  Just be prepared that some won't understand.  There's far bigger things to worry about in this world than small-minded people.  Btw, mom has since come around and now not only comments about how beautiful my girl is (hidden message: you'd never do that well at home, so good for you!  )  but also how she might actually get grandchildren (which my first wife refused to do).

[Gator]

I am sorry I could not find the definition of the word anuptaphobic

Fear of being single, of never marrying.  A psychological disorder common among women and rare in men.

[Jazzyclassy]

Fear of being single, of never marrying.  A malady common among women and rare in men.

Oii mamochka , no, never fear of that, we all single our souls are single and lonely according to its nature which makes the process of finding a partner even more special

you will find a person never even worry about it Ian80 , just a bit of confidence and awareness of what you want from the relations required and you will be in chocolate

[mendeleyev]

Interesting thread!  My parents were gone several years by the time I married in Russia but I had a brother and 2 daughters.  It was the daughters who concerned me the most because I'd raised them myself as a single Dad and we were very, very close.

Thanks to God my wife loves children and (I gained a wonderful stepdaughter in the marriage) and she is an outgoing 'people-person.'  She and the oldest bonded quickly.  My younger took her time but trust just continued to build over time and I'm glad both were patient and open to loving each other. 

Ian, do you have kids?

[Zmejka]

When I told one of my friends that I started corresponding with a guy from Holland she said - come on, go there and send some marihuana to us:) that was the very first reaction
I still lived with parents then and my mother was quite negative (if not to say - very negative) when she heard that my friend is coming to meet me. She didn't believe that i was serious about him, she didn't know him and was afraid that he's a jerk or maniac (coming to take me to sell my body organs later:), the last was a joke of course from her side. She also asked - why couldn't he find somebody in his own country? My father gave us 99% that we would fail, i was almost depressed then
When he came he met my parents, they liked him, his calmness, respectful and reasonable way of talking, she even asked - you're so calm, is it a feature of many men from the northern countries?
After that she accepted him, but still wasn't sure that it's going to work out between us in the long run. Every time from my arrival till now - a year and 9 months of living together she always ask how is it going with our relationships, am i sure that he's happy with me, she even said while i was learning the language - are you not afraid that he doesn't like you not working and can break up with you? I think that questions come because they still don't know him much. Sometimes i think she wishes that we break up and I return. Crazy thought and still... But I believe that she's happy when i'm happy. And I always sound positive to her - because it's true.
Other relatives got to know my friend when we came to visit half a year after i left. They all liked him immediately as i could see. But i had my tongue tired from translating
My friends took it all positive, in general i didn't came across any bad comment or look (or i didn't notice). I'm happy to have such nice people around me.

[groovlstk]

I still lived with parents then and my mother was quite negative (if not to say - very negative) when she heard that my friend is coming to meet me. She didn't believe that i was serious about him, she didn't know him and was afraid that he's a jerk or maniac (coming to take me to sell my body organs later:), the last was a joke of course from her side. She also asked - why couldn't he find somebody in his own country? My father gave us 99% that we would fail, i was almost depressed then

Zmejka, my experience was almost identical, my wife's friends and family all thought she was nuts for meeting me

Thankfully they were very supportive of us after spending some time together.

[ian80au]

Fear of being single, of never marrying.  A psychological disorder common among women and rare in men.

Yeah but I think I am one of those rare men.