This one confused me

[grinc]

Hi all, I'm Greg and I've been looking off and on for the last few years but haven't yet found the girl I'm looking for. If you've ever seen the hilarious movie "Spinning Boris" then you can relate to how I sometimes feel exactly like Jeff Goldblum's character in Russia.

Anyway, I write this because one of the latest girls I'm talking to has confounded me a little and wanted to ask what you think the real issue at hand might be.

We've been talking for 4, almost 5, months and lately she had started telling me a lot of things about how great she thought I was and that she was definitely attracted to me enough (both from writing and my pictures) to want to set up a meeting this summer (we chose this summer as opposed to sooner so I don't have to freeze my butt off - how considerate of her) to see how things might go from there. So I took her admission of strong attraction as a sort of "permission" to tell her some similar things I thought about her.

Apparently that was not wise of me, and she mentioned how there's so much more I need to learn about her and told me not to "go chasing after illusions"...

This confused me since I thought she would be very receptive to those kinds of comments since they were the same kind she made to me.

I asked "How come you can say those sorts of things, but I can't?"

To which she replied, "Crazy Russian girl."

...Huh?

[BillyB]

So I took her admission of strong attraction as a sort of "permission" to tell her some similar things I thought about her.

Apparently that was not wise of me, and she mentioned how there's so much more I need to learn about her and told me not to "go chasing after illusions"...

Don't fall in love with someone you never met. Some of the women(not the scammers) told me some of their feelings but I told them I consider them a friend but if someday we meet, I'm open to serious relations. All respected what I said and some appreciated the fact I'm a "careful" man as they put it. They appreciate men who don't throw themselves at just any woman that's a stranger. Whatever you're saying to them, they suspect you're saying it to other women too.

These RW have all kinds of men they never met saying romantic things to them and making them promises. Those men are dime a dozen. Don't be one of those men.

[grinc]

I appreciate the answer, but I think you're missing the point of my question... re-read our dialogue... I do not go around giving compliments to everyone, and thought that was made clear in the way I wrote the story.

[BillyB]

I do not go around giving compliments to everyone, and thought that was made clear in the way I wrote the story.

How does she know that you don't have a habit of giving compliments to everybody? She did tell you not to "go chasing after illusions".  What she's saying is you don't know her yet and/or you don't know what you're chasing based on the compliments you've given. These women can be smart and get into your mind and figure you out and sorry to say, you complimenting someone you never met can be looked at as kissing a@@ or even lying. grinc, by you expressing your feelings to her freely, you lost points. Make sure you have a backup plan when you visit her.

[grinc]

I understand that, but what I'm asking is why is it "ok" for her to say all these great things about me, and I can't say one or two compliments to her? There is a double standard here with this girl.

I never told her anything too serious, I only kept it in line with the kind of things she was telling me. That's why this one is kindof a puzzler.

[possum]

grinc,

It sounds to me like she doesn't want you to get your hopes up just yet.. It's ok for her to daydream because she's a 'crazy Russian girl' but you are supposed to be the sensible one and that's why she expects you to hold off on the romantic stuff until after you've met in person.. that's the impression I got from your story..

[Shadow]

Well I guess that the ball is in your corner. Tell her that you do not chase illusions but you will chase someone you like after meeting.

[BillyB]

I understand that, but what I'm asking is why is it "ok" for her to say all these great things about me, and I can't say one or two compliments to her? There is a double standard here with this girl.

Some women will test you to find the best man possible for her, that's a good thing, and others are simply hypocrites. It's your job to figure which is she. Just as she's figuring you out, you too need to watch what she says and how she acts under various circumstances. She may appear like an angel but after you take those rose colored glasses off, she'll look like the devil. 10% of the women out there may be compatible with you to marry. There's a 50% chance of divorce. Think about what you need to do to reduce those odds.

[groovlstk]

I can't imagine that any girl who really wishes to meet you (even if her ardent "feelings" are based on emails/chats and not grounded in reality) would ask you to wait until Summer to protect you from the cold.

There are many guys here who'd be happy to speculate until the cows go home about this girl's odd behavior, why don't you invest in some warm clothing and go see for yourself?

[Daveman]

Does seem a bit odd.  Also kind of strange about the summer visit, especially if she's really attracted to you. It's been my experience, that the best time to meet an FSUW is now or sooner.  They will wait a bit, but generally somewhere close to 'now' is what they're looking for as to the time line of the face to face meeting.  Others might have a different experience. I've never heard of one already waiting four months, and then wanting to wait an additional six... that's different.

[Gator]

Grinc,

I have no experience with the mentality of very young RW, so I give you few answers.  I do know that just because she wants to meet you is not an "admission of strong attraction" as you expressed.  My guess is that she is merely strongly interested.  What words did she use to express her "strong attraction?"

By the way, what were your specific compliments?  A compliment to one person could mean something else to another.

Listen to Possum.  He is your age, lives in Moscow, dates young Russian women, and is intelligent.  Perhaps he has a date this weekend with your woman! :hairraising:    

Regarding visiting in the summer, the weather is not frigid in March and April.  Get on a plane soon.  You will enjoy the trip.

[possum]

Listen to Possum.  He is your age, lives in Moscow, dates young Russian women, and is intelligent.  Perhaps he has a date this weekend with your woman! :hairraising:     

Yeah, what you said.. Except I don't live in Moscow..

[chade1968]

 Anna told me to come visit for New Years in Yaroslavl. I guess she didn't care if I froze..she was good about making sure I did not get too cold. Russian women are tricky and super intelligent. Don't try to interpret too much into these comments but there is nobody here who can tell you what she is really thinking. Just use your own judgment.. tell her you have a warm coat and are not afraid to come during the winter.. life does not stop over there during the winter. I did like the summer over there with the 18 hour days, the only problem is I could not stop looking at all the partially dressed women. Good luck.

[BillyB]

Some of you think we will never know what grinc's woman is really thinking about. I beg to differ. When a woman tells you to don't go chasing illusions, she certainly isn't making a compliment and she questions your intelligence/maturity. When a woman writes me an overly romantic letter without ever meeting, I certainly question her maturity and her motives.

[AnastassiaAsh]

Maybe she wrote to or met some other men already and they told her so many compliments and later it didn't work out, and she thinks now that it is better to actually let a man know that she is serious and would want him to 'save' those compliments or sweet words, not to spoil it in that way later. Maybe actually she is not against complements in general, maybe she does like them, but not quite at this time of your relationship. When you visit her though, please be the same gentleman you showed her in letters and on the phone....And as to her, she just couldn't help it herself and told you good things that she noticed about you because she was sure about them......maybe something like that... 
And she wants you to come in summer maybe because she already scheduled to meet with some other man in April or May....Which i wouldn't worry too much about if she is honest and open about it...

All of this is of course just my guess...

[grinc]

grinc,

It sounds to me like she doesn't want you to get your hopes up just yet.. It's ok for her to daydream because she's a 'crazy Russian girl' but you are supposed to be the sensible one and that's why she expects you to hold off on the romantic stuff until after you've met in person.. that's the impression I got from your story..

This makes a lot of sense and is the kind of answer I was thinking too. So thank you, possum.

To answer some of the other questions posed (hopefully without being hugely misunderstood somehow, here it goes)

#1. She didn't ask me to wait until summer, it was only something the suggested while we were talking about it. Today, however, she seemed to strongly hint that ideally she would want to see me as soon as it were possible for me to fly to St. Petersburg.

#2. She's almost 20, and as it says on my profile, I am 25, almost 26. (no comments about the money, please, I'm well aware this is an expensive activity and am prepared for it)

#3. Compliments she has given me include things like: (keep in mind these are excerpts and are taken out of context)

-- "all day today I couldn't stop thinking about your sexy voice" (this was after we talked voice to voice for the first time)

-- "just got back from my trip to Moscow, and I ran from the train because I knew there would be a letter from you waiting for me" (I considered this a compliment)

-- "I just wanted to tell you I think you are amazing and I can't stop smiling whenever I think about you."

-- "you make me laugh. I think you're very funny"

-- "you know I was upset last week. I don't want to show myself as a cry-baby but there was no letter from you..and I was sad"

-- "I am very impressed with your character"

Ok, there's more, but I'll stop here. Took me awhile to dig through and find these.

#4. And just in case anyone is particularly wondering, she has never asked me for anything (money, etc)...the last 4 months have been purely about writing about ourselves. This is, of course, while I've been writing a few other girls and recycling some of the duplicate content so I don't have to keep writing these huge messages that say almost the same things about me. However, once I figured out that she was probably for real, I started to put a lot more personal effort into writing.

[grinc]

When you visit her though, please be the same gentleman you showed her in letters and on the phone....

Thank you for your comments.

Yes, I've gone out of my way to make sure I've presented myself with authenticity to her. Just as an example, when I told her I didn't want kids right now or for a few years, I was happy to find she agreed with the same ideas. I can imagine some guys not telling the whole truth on this topic, but for me it went very well.

[BillyB]

grinc, based on what she said in her letters, call often if she truly wants to hear that sexy voice. If she's insincere, whe won't be able to maintain a high level of enthusiasm for you very long.

[I/O]

Grinc: Why don't you go visit now? Be very honest with yourself when you and answer this question. If the answer is any of at least the following................

1) I don't want to?

2) Money is tight?

3) I don't know her well enough?

4) I haven't got a passport?

5) My feelings are not strong enough yet?

6) I don't have time?

7) It's too cold at this time?

I am busy at work or college?

9) I don't have enough vacation time right now?

10) Peer or parental/family approval is an issue?


.....................................................................then IMO you should forget about this whole idea and move on to more achievable dreams.

I/O

[grinc]

No, I can't say that any of those answers really apply to me.

...guess that means I should start reading up more on St. Petersburg, eh?

I suppose the ONLY thing that kindof worries me is the fact that I wouldn't have a backup plan (e.g. another girl I could visit in the same city just in case something totally unexpected were to happen with this one)... because the other girls I am talking to are from totally different areas.

I'm not too sure how to handle that contingency.

[Shadow]

grinc, you are 25 years old, and will be in a cosmopolitan city. St Petersburg gets a lot of foreign visitors and as a result there will be English speaking women around. Besides that, the city itself is a great backup plan if you like to explore the old heritage.

I agree with I/O here. Get your butt on the plane. If it does not work out, you are young enough to waste some time. 

[I/O]

the ONLY thing that kindof worries me is the fact that I wouldn't have a backup plan (e.g. another girl I could visit in the same city just in case something totally unexpected were to happen with this one

IMO the "totally unexpected" thing should be, if the two of you were to really hit it off. You should expect the opposite, (Within reason) but hope for the best. I can't give you any direct advice on backup plans, as I was never one for making them as I was always much more a tourist than I ever was a wife seeker. My situation and the meeting of my now wife is about as backwards or sideways as it is possible to get in this caper. Almost to the point of ridiculous.

Nevertheless, from what I have seen and read, IMO, the best backup plan is to single out your lady of interest and then hook up with a local agent. use the agent ONLY if or when necessary. No offence caused to anyone, no half truths or lies, no leading anyone on, just simply meet your lady and if it fires well, you need do nothing more, if it goes pear shaped, switch to the agent and meet who, how and when you like.

FWIW, IMO, trying to develop a solid enough relationship with a 19 Y/O to go the distance of the international rigours with any hope of building a lifelong partnership are next to zero. I wouldn't be pinning much hope on this one if I were in your boots.

I/O

[KenC]

grinc,
I have to echo Shadow and I/O:  Get your butt on a plane now!

I personally think your girl is telling you:

Quit talking Lover boy, and take action!

You can have a "back up plan" with any agency in St Pete in a matter of minutes.
KenC

[Turboguy]

I have to agree with the others.  Get the name of an agency or two for a back up plan just in case.   

On the negative side, find a world map with latitudes and longitudes and follow the lines for St Petersburg around to our side and see where it lines up.   It may shock you.   On the other hand people can travel there quite easily in the winter and it is one of the most beautiful cities in the world with lots to see and do.

She is young to be serious but very many RW do get married at that age and the success rate is not much worse than people marrying later in life.   With the age you are that is a pretty decent lineup. 

[Lily]

grinc,

I read through you dialog. My understanding is that your are concerned about her weird reaction on why she can tell you something, but you seem not to be allowed to tell her the same.

To me, her reaction seems to be very weird and hardly appropriate.

However,I probably could tell you that some RW consider online comminucation as something less serious than communication in real. More than that, there are unfortunately many RW whose skills in written communication are in need of big improvement. Many people tell online things that they would not tell in real. That's sad but it happens.  I could talk to a person in real and get meaningful information, but when I talk to people online, they are somehow less than informative. People just don't know how to communicate in written.

The other possible thing here would be that she may be knowingly unserious. Crazy russian woman, a.k.a. don't listen to me in this case.

I join other people in advice - go and talk to her in person. Don't forget to ask for clarification of this reaction of her.