Tips for living with an RW

[Blues Fairy]

I've been going through some letters of our 4-year correspondence with my now-husband and found my very last letter, just before departure, entitled "Four easy tips for living with Blues Fairy" , quite amusing - I think those of you who are just embarking on a relationship with an RW may find it useful, too.
___________________________________________________
My sweet Darling,

Thank you for your amazing letter.  I wish I could reciprocate it with equal force of language, but being the practical little bitch that I am, I decided to use this last written opportunity to formulate a few important things about me which will hopefully help you in your daily struggle with your new status.  You must know, my Love, that I am very aware of the huge responsibility and risk you are taking upon yourself and I am determined to do everything in my power to make it work.  

The below tips are the result of years of close self-observation and may, if used properly, make your life with me a lot easier:

1. Mood swings: whenever you find me especially cranky, grouchy, angry, pissed-off etc., you should first check whether I am not 1) hungry; 2) cold; 3) in pain.  A gentleman never gets angry at a woman who is experiencing physical suffering. Therefore, when you register a bad mood in me, first eliminate the above conditions; feed, warm, heal where necessary; and then continue discussing the original subject.  Because in 95% of cases, the reason for my crankiness will be either hunger, cold, or pain, or any combination of the above.

2.  Make-up sex: reconciliation after minor and major fights may be difficult because we are both extremely proud ***holes, you and I.  But I believe the gentleman must always try to make the first step, that's how I was brought up.  So here's the tip: dragging me to bed actually works as the first step!  Nothing works better! Talking may come after - or it may not be even needed eventually. 

3.  Nagging: believe it or not, but I absolutely hate nagging and feel awful when I catch myself doing it.  Therefore, you are welcome to verbalize your protests and give gentle warning when you perceive that you're being nagged.  However, the best way to avoid nagging altogether is not to ignore my requests in the first place.

4.  "You're tough": paradoxically, the surest way to encourage me to be tough is to never take my toughness for granted.  The more you take care of me, the more I try to be as tough and self-sufficient as possible.  And in return, I will never take your care for granted, my Love.
____________________________________________

Any other similar "tips" anyone care to share?  Huh, experienced ones?  

[Ronnie]

I've said it before and I'll say it again.  Mr. Blues Fairy is a lucky Scot!  I hope he understands that.  Each of the points you listed, I had to learn by experience with my exceedingly proud UW.  Mr BF got the whole boatload of low-down up front and at no cost.  That's just not fair! 

[Gator]

Blues Fairy,

Splendid!

It puzzles me why there was no comment other than Ronnie's.

You are doing your part in the most important aspect of a loving, enduring marriage - communication.  And while your trigger points may not be the same as every RW, you are letting your husband know exactly what they are.

RW are direct.  And you are direct in this example.  A man married to a RW usually does not need to guess, nor does he need to dance around an issue.

Personally, I think if every RW were like you, we would not have a thread called "Are You Man Enough for a RW."  In other words, you are not a difficult RW.  Do not infer that I think you easy, as I do not believe that is the case, and frankly easy women bore me.   Where's the challenge?

[Ronnie]

Gator, I think the lack of replies and comments is because the men are stunned.  I was too but I recover fast

I'm really not convinced that RW are any more direct and communicative than any other as I've seen the full spectrum in AW and RW.  I passed over my wife twice (meaning I suspended the relationship) not because I found any reason to, it was just that the lack of communication coming from here was taken by me as a lack of interest.  She offered little conversation and her answers to me were short. 

Yet, I couldn't get her out of my mind.  Unlike the others, she gave no clear reason for me to rule her out; I just didn't know where I stood with her.  There are even times now, when it's not clear to me where I stand but I'm learning to pick up on the non-verbal.

That's why BF is so much unlike my wife and why I say I had to divine up all those points she so plainly and articulately spelled out prenuptially.

[Gator]

Ronnie,

There are always exceptions.  I speak of norms based on my long experience.   

We can also agree that Blues Fairy is an exception.

[IAmZon]

From the very first, I have particularly enjoyed Blues Fairy's comments.  I have found both inspiration and validation in her contributions.  And this latest post  does nothing but add to it. 

It represents - in a VERY concentrated form - everything I have grown to admire in FSU women.

I hope there are a few more ladies exactly like her in the world!

I am a Blues Fairy FAN.

[myrddin]

I am a Blues Fairy FAN.

You're not the only one!   

[KenC]

Blues Fairy,

Splendid!

It puzzles me why there was no comment other than Ronnie's.

Gator,
What is there to say except "WOW"?  Blues Fairy is a woman that has her act together in many ways.  But I already knew that.  The brilliance of her post was not shocking in any way as I have come to expect it from her.  But I guess it would not have hurt to say it out loud too.
KenC

[Ronnie]

Ah, but every rose has it's thorn...

[Jumper]

ronnie said

Gator, I think the lack of replies and comments is because the men are stunned..

Ronnie ,,
for what its worth no shock at all in my case,it is  actually a type or style of communication/letter  i would completely expect from a lot of RW.
and somewhat what i'm accustomed to as a generality.

anyway not all,  all but MOST RW i've known or know, ,
are all a bit shockingly direct and to the point. Thats just been my experience.

as far as comunication, i never have to worry about that with my wife,,lol
1.she likes to talk, a lot. (a good thing)
if shes not chattering happily, then shes either sick,
or telling you something serious.
that fits me perfectly.

2.she is incredibly direct. took me a bit to get used to.
but trust me i do not have to guess what she is thinking, or any mind games.
(can i help that what shes thinking is wrong? but yeah i certainly know exactly what it is lol)


Not a great example,but an amusing ancedote maybe.??
(and yes she is normally far more descriptive ,than this example)

i once knew quite well what was bothering her,,(me)
(so did she lol)
 but she was being indirect about it.very unusual behaviour.

so i pressed..
and wanted to cut thru  BS , as i wasnt at all used to any games  ..
certainly not from her.

me:
"listen T, cut the BS, i want to know exactly what is wrong.
no "nothing" ,
no it's *this* ,when its actually *that* ok?
we havnt played that game before, why flippin' start now!!! ?

so WHAT is *it*!!!!?

Her immediate no hesitation answer with a sarcastic *you flippin want it straight youll  get it straight ,look.. "

  "right now? you!!! "
and nothing more said.

 

there really dint need to be.

LOL!

[SANDRO43]

Ah, but every rose has its thorn...

I'm reminded of Dick Emery's famous routine line, used as title for his biography and oft repeated by other British comedians .

[Blues Fairy]

There's actually a very good reason why we've been so direct and articulate with each other and so committed to shortening the process of mutual self-discovery (apart from the obvious demands of long-distance communication).  Both my husband and I come from rather troubled families and were not privileged, like many others, to receive "emotional intelligence" with mother's milk, so to speak.  I, for my part, having gone through many rocky relationships in my younger years, was eventually forced to figure out very clearly the basics of emotional management for myself and whoever I was dealing with (long before I came across D. Goleman's famous book).  Most of the Russian women I know, however, generally have no clue about their own emotional triggers and cannot rationalize most of their reactions.  That's why I posted the above, hoping it might help someone. 

[BillyB]

Here's a hot tip and it's simple! There's only two words every man needs to know to have a fight free marriage. "Yes Dear"

[Andrew]

Here's a hot tip and it's simple! There's only two words every man needs to know to have a fight free marriage. "Yes Dear"

"Yes Dear" didn't cut it with my ex-wife. Apparantly I was too condecending when I said it. One thing that she said to me that will stick with me and burn me everytime I think about it is this, " Just remember, the minute your balls dropped you became wrong in everything you say and do. Remember this and we'll have a good marriage"
 

[Ronnie]

While we're on the topic of books that fit this theme, here's one people (women) swear by (some swear at, too).

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23558852/

[Blues Fairy]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23558852/

Isn't that the same Dr. Laura who says that husband's cheating is the wife's fault? 

[vwrw]

1. Mood swings: whenever you find me especially cranky, grouchy, angry, pissed-off etc., you should first check whether I am not 1) hungry; 2) cold; 3) in pain.  A gentleman never gets angry at a woman who is experiencing physical suffering. Therefore, when you register a bad mood in me, first eliminate the above conditions; feed, warm, heal where necessary; and then continue discussing the original subject.  Because in 95% of cases, the reason for my crankiness will be either hunger, cold, or pain, or any combination of the above.

3.  Nagging: believe it or not, but I absolutely hate nagging and feel awful when I catch myself doing it.  Therefore, you are welcome to verbalize your protests and give gentle warning when you perceive that you're being nagged.  However, the best way to avoid nagging altogether is not to ignore my requests in the first place.

I think # 1 and # 3 are excellent tips!

4.  "You're tough": paradoxically, the surest way to encourage me to be tough is to never take my toughness for granted.  The more you take care of me, the more I try to be as tough and self-sufficient as possible.  And in return, I will never take your care for granted, my Love.

Does this mean that the less man takes care of you, the more you try to be as pleasant and dependent on him as possible? Or I misunderstood something?

2.  Make-up sex: reconciliation after minor and major fights may be difficult because we are both extremely proud ***holes, you and I.  But I believe the gentleman must always try to make the first step, that's how I was brought up.  So here's the tip: dragging me to bed actually works as the first step!  Nothing works better! Talking may come after - or it may not be even needed eventually. 

I read and heard that after fight, making love is more enjoyable because during fight body produces things that increase sensitivity and, as result, strength of orgasm. Do you think it is true?

I hope it is not true because otherwise such an approach to reconciliation might lead to bad outcome. I will try to explain my supposition by using addicts as an analogy… most users of narcotics understand that narcotic ruins their lives but they want to continue to consume it because of the pleasure the narcotic give to them.  Are you not afraid that despite your love’s comprehension that the fights may ruin your relationship he would not want to avoid it because somewhere inside, on subliminal level, the fight with you is associated with strong pleasure afterward?   

[Blues Fairy]

Does this mean that the less man takes care of you, the more you try to be as pleasant and dependent on him as possible? Or I misunderstood something?

Being purposely dependent and pleasantspiteful is not my cup of tea.   But I'm sure you'll agree that taking our independence, toughness etc. for granted would not greatly encourage us to further develop and manifest those qualities.   

I read and heard that after fight, making love is more enjoyable because during fight body produces things that increase sensitivity and, as result, strength of orgasm. Do you think it is true? I hope it is not true because otherwise such an approach to reconciliation might lead to bad outcome.

I know what you speak of and agree to some extent - sex is a great way (for some) to unwind after an exhilarating couple of hours of hell raising, dish throwing and name calling.    Unfortunately, nerdy scientist types like my guy have a different fighting style.  When they perceive they're being attacked, they stonewall and "take some time to cool down", which is hardly a welcome behavior to the other party, who is likewise hurt, wound-up, and craving resolution.  Finding words to break the ice without submission is quite a challenge to both.  So no need to speak at all!  There are other ways! 

[Ronnie]

Isn't that the same Dr. Laura who says that husband's cheating is the wife's fault? 

LOL!  Did she really say that?  The woman's a damn genius!

Seriously... I don't think she would say that from the few comments on cheating I've heard her make to callers.. (I listen for about 20 minutes when I pick my wife up from class in the afternoons.)

[turniptruck]

Here's a hot tip and it's simple! There's only two words every man needs to know to have a fight free marriage. "Yes Dear"

Chris Rock on relationships:

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6OaRcsfnY4&feature=related[/youtube]  5:10 is hilarious.



Women as terrorists when fighting (4:05)
[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jfFVY1tkCR8&feature=related[/youtube]

[Ooooops]

1. Mood swings:

2.  Make-up sex:

3.  Nagging:

4.  "You're tough":

Just found this topic and really like what you wrote, Blues Fairy!      I agree with ## 1, 3 & 4.   Don't agree with #2 but I guess we are all different and it's wonderful.   

[steviej]

Blues Fairy, et. al,
What good comments! Anyone that has the idea in any way that FSU ladies are in some way passive, is WAAAYYY off! They are not. They are intelligent women. Real women. They have a deep and strong sense of feminity, like it is woven into their DNA. And who knows, perhaps it is? They have strong emotions, feelings, passions, and yes, they want a "real man". I'm sure you've all heard this expression and understand what it means to the FSU ladies, which is different than what an AM might guess without experience. This is way overgeneralization, I'm sure, but to me, (of course based mostly on my RW), RWs have a passion about what they feel is truly important in life, about what is meaningful in life for them.

Blues Fairy's letter that she opened this thread with shows to me all the passion, inteligence, depth, devotion and feminine soul that I've come to take as the great hallmarks of the wonderful FSU ladies. It has become almost impossible for me to explain to my AM friends married to AWs how special and wonderful my wife is in these ways. I don't even try. That's why, after 5 years of marriage, I enjoy this forum. The men and ladies here know what I'm talking about.

[Mishenka]

DNA?  Not every RW is a Blues Fairy, a Lilly or Galina.  I knew a dozen other RW before I met "the one" woman with the qualities I treasure.  I don't think it's woven into all RW DNA. There are quality women in every walk of life. Some of us are just more fortunate than others and grateful for such a gift.

 my short list  12 steps or "Tips" for men married to RW.

1. Be a promise keeper.  Don't say it, just do it.
2. Keep it simple, Truth is truth, she can sense dishonesty from miles away.
3. There are no excuses, don't put yourself in a place where you need to give one.
4. She loves to talk so learn to love to listen.
5. She loves to listen so learn to talk.
6. She knows much more than she will ever reveal.
7. Don't ever break the trust between you, it is nearly impossible to heal such damage.
8. Whisper some sweet Russian phrases into her ears and watch her show a different side you have never seen before.
9. Be creative in the bedroom, She loves to try new things.
10 Don't offer to cook her dinner, just do it well, cook from your heart and soul and she will love it! Bring flowers and light the candles!
11. She will depend on you for everything!
12. BE DEPENDABLE

Mishenka

[steviej]

DNA?  Not every RW is a Blues Fairy, a Lilly or Galina.  I knew a dozen other RW before I met "the one" woman with the qualities I treasure.  I don't think it's woven into all RW DNA. There are quality women in every walk of life. Some of us are just more fortunate than others and grateful for such a gift.

 my short list  12 steps or "Tips" for men married to RW.

1. Be a promise keeper.  Don't say it, just do it.
2. Keep it simple, Truth is truth, she can sense dishonesty from miles away.
3. There are no excuses, don't put yourself in a place where you need to give one.
4. She loves to talk so learn to love to listen.
5. She loves to listen so learn to talk.
6. She knows much more than she will ever reveal.
7. Don't ever break the trust between you, it is nearly impossible to heal such damage.
8. Whisper some sweet Russian phrases into her ears and watch her show a different side you have never seen before.
9. Be creative in the bedroom, She loves to try new things.
10 Don't offer to cook her dinner, just do it well, cook from your heart and soul and she will love it! Bring flowers and light the candles!
11. She will depend on you for everything!
12. BE DEPENDABLE

Mishenka

Well said. I like #11 and #12 a lot, which strongly relate to #1 and #3. Funny thing about cooking. My wife doesn't let me cook anything. Not that I try to anyway. She takes a certain ancient joy in the 'ol "wife cooks for husband" thing, like a ritual. She doesn't spend all day in the kitchen or anything. She just does things simple and fast. But she definiely gets a kick out of it.

[Ronnie]

My wife feels that cooking is her thing and the kitchen is her domain.  The only time I'm allowed to cook is if I'm going to make lasagne or cannelloni.

I did have one RW before I met my wife inform me right up front, "I don't cook and I don't want to cook!"  I think she was an exception to the general rule that most are quite adept in the kitchen.