Kharkov - 5th Trip to FSU, First Report

[TripWire]

As I start out writing this, my first thought is it will probably be a short report, followed by a second thought, which is I never thought I'd be someone writing a trip report. 

I've been very serious about this process.  In fact I thought my 3rd trip would be the last one necessary, because I had the gal for me, or so I thought.  But for reasons that I'm still not entirely clear about, things fell through.  Sic vita est.

So, I'll try to provide a few tips and opinions.  They may or may not have been mentioned elsewhere in the many postings of others.  Opinions and tips are only that, and your mileage may vary. 

THE BEGINNING: 
Well, not exactly the beginning.  The real beginning was probably half a dozen years ago when I did a lot of research, became overwhelmed, thought this was impossible, and walked away.  But, after getting run over by a bus, dumped into a chipper / shredder, doused with gasoline and set on fire (figuratively, of course, but it felt otherwise) by an AW, I decided to reconsider.  Why not?  How much worse could it be?  Actually, it seemed dead easy in comparison. 

After that, and subsequently after the apparent success that was not exactly success from my first four trips to the FSU, I figured why not just spend more of my life savings and try a new country and new city?  Who needs retirement money?  Besides, there's always Social Security and food stamps. 

So I got some pigs blood, drew a pentagram, burned some incense, chanted the lyrics to "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls, and sank into a deep trance so I could become one with the Universe and determine exactly where I should go.  But none of it worked.  Instead I started having past life regression and visions of Shirley McClain.  I had to put a stop to that immediately, so I decided instead to try writing (again) letters to women in a specific city (again) and see what happens (again). 

Why Kharkov?  No clue.  May as well have been damned near anywhere else.  So I picked multiple agencies and did the writing thing.  Do I trust agencies?  Of course not.  But then I don't really trust anything at this point.  Why should I?  Agencies, free sites, whatever, doesn't really matter.  There's good and bad people everywhere.  I don't think there's any possible way to identify them 6,000 miles away.  You take certain precautions, you roll the dice. 

PHASE II:  The Writing Campaign
So I wrote, I read, I responded.  But if I was interested, I asked right away about mutual interest in meeting.  Some ladies are thrown by it, actually.  If you say, "you know, meeting is better than 100 letters, I know it's only been 4 weeks, but what do you think?"  You never know what kind of response you'll get. 

In the past I tried to focus on 3 or perhaps 4 women.  Seems reasonable.  Well, to me at least.  This time I thought of of it as the shotgun approach.  Write as many women as possible, in a range of ages, occupations, education, size, hair color, and everything else and see what happens.  If you are in the WTF frame of mind, this really works pretty well. 

But regardless of shotgun approach, limited targeting approach, or laser beam (focusing on a single woman), trying something is the key.  One cannot be successful sitting at home and daydreaming about how great it would be to have a real woman in one's life again. 

OK, so shotgun approach it was.  But even so, there was the top 2 regardless.  Sure, keep options open, but it seems you just can't help having the 1 or 2 preferences. 


PHASE III:  Travel Plans

So, I made my travel plans.  The best part was my interpreter.  I was lucky to find an independent (not agency attached) interpreter.  I just hired her for as many days as I thought necessary.  She was truly a gem.  There is nothing like having someone who has a clear head and some ability to read women sitting next to you.  In some scenarios she was not there because a woman I was meeting had good English ability.  But nearly every time she was there for at least the beginning of the meeting, and it was invaluable.  I don't know if putting her contact information here is OK or not, so I'll wait and try to ask someone about it.  But if Kharkov is your destination, I highly recommend her. 

So, a bit about travel.  I simply cannot recommend Aerosvit.  If others have had good experiences, congratulations.  I flew internationally on Aerosvit, and frankly it just plain sucked.  If you like rotten service and substandard food, then sign up.  If not, fly Delta to Kiev and catch a domestic flight to Kharkov, or take a bus or train if you dare, or hire a car.  I flew Delta on my other trips, and it was quite nice.  Even Aeroflot from Amsterdam to Moscow was OK.  But Aerosvit is just the last airline I would ever fly on.  If I were stranded somewhere and had no other option, and if I didn't leave the country before midnight someone was going to burn my passport and throw me in the gulag, then OK, I would fly Aerosvit again.  But only if sneaking onto a Polish freighter was out of the question.

So anyway, I hired a car for the trip (the most expensive option) from Kiev to Kharkov.  He was there with a sign with my name on it, I was already exhausted, and I thought "I am so glad I hired a driver, hooray for me."  Of course, I had what must have been a wanna be stock car driver in a decent but small car where we consistently pegged the speedometer and sailed all over the road, around and through potholes both great and small.  But after about 3 hours, I was cheering him on.  "Let's pass this next guy!  That oncoming truck isn't going that fast!  Sure, drive on the shoulder!  Who cares!  Let's both stick our arms out the window and maybe we'll generate enough lift to go airborn!"  You get the picture.  I wish I could say I was exaggerating.  It was insane.  But, whatever. 

So I got to the apartment, and let me say it was awesome.  I mean, the oustide was scary and I was concerned about the neighborhood at first, but it turned out to be perfectly fine, and the inside of the apartment was indeed luxurious.  It was a 2 bedroom with a huge kitchen / dining / living area and better furniture than what I have at home.  The drawback was that the heat was shut off on April 15 and I froze my ass off for the first 6 days.  Who knew?  Well, I guess I should have known, but I have only visited in winter and summer, not spring. 

Nice satellite TV, but only BBC news for English speaking channel.  I did watch The 40 Year Old Virgin 8 times, so I think I have some dialogue memorized.  (That was the only English DVD there.)  Again, I would recommend the apartment rental place, but not sure if it's acceptable to do so here. 


PHASE IV:  The Attack Plan
I thought about writing the play by play for each day, but truthfully, who cares?  I'll try to summarize instead. 

In addition to ladies I had written, I contacted agencies before I left, provided some basic info about me, looked at profiles, and said, "do you think any of these particular ladies would be interested in meeting me?"  I figured, what the hell.  The primary or secondary choices don't work, other choices fail, why not have backup for the backup of the backup? 

Let me say that I had more first dates crammed into 12 days than I can even remember.  I had follow up dates as well, but some ladies I had hoped to meet just didn't happen.  Another mistake of mine was not knowing about Orthodox Easter and several other holidays.  That hosed up some meeting ideas.  And it prevented me from seeing some things I had hoped to see also.  And the weather was atrocious.  It rained every day except one.  Sometimes all day and all night.  Cold, relentless, rain.  I thought I went to Kharkov, not Seattle. 

Phase V:  The Results
Frankly, it was for the most part a huge disappointment.  I wish I could say otherwise.  The "best option" for me (on paper, at least, through letters, etc.) did not pan out at all.  Ladies who were interested in me I was not interested in, and vice versa. 

The one woman I was extremely interested in who lived in a town a fair distance from Kharkov did meet me, which was very good.  But because of communication and coordination issues, we were only able to meet once.  I was so impressed, however, that I would go back (using the laser beam approach) if she is seriously interested.  I hope to know in a few days.  If not, then frankly I am not certain what I will try next. 

MISCELLANEOUS:
I love Ukrainian food.  Everything I had was good. 

The subway is extremely clean, fast, cheap, but don't even think of trying to figure it out unless you are at least proficient in Russian.  If you have an interpreter with you, however, it's quite handy and a reasonable alternative to taking taxis everywhere.  I walked frequently also, but the rain did get on my nerves at time. 

Often signs are in Ukrainian rather than Russian, even though it is eastern Ukraine and nearly everyone speaks Russian. 

I only know a couple of hundred words in Russian, and can barely put together a sentence with 5 words.  The more language you can learn, the better off you'll be. 
Few of the restaurants and cafes I was in had English menus.  It makes it tough, without an interpreter. 

If you don't want to lug a laptop across the ocean, the Internet cafes are cheap and fairly easy to find (if you have an apartment near the center of city, anyway). 

I will never understand why, in both Russia and the Ukraine, no one wants to give you change.  Restaurants are the only exception.  I always used large bills there and got smaller bills to use elsewhere that way.  It drives me crazy, but you just have to accept it. 

If you're in good shape, take the stairs.  I was not in a single elevator that I did not think would either get stuck between floors, or crash unceremoniously to the bottom. 

I took a flight from Kharkov back to Kiev.  You can't count on much, if any, assistance or announcements at the Kharkov airport.  But I bought a cheap ($100) ticket while I was there and flew safely to Kiev rather than doing the 5+ hour drive thing. 

Go to Travelsmith on the web and buy a 5 ounce travel umbrella.  I don't care where you are headed, it's quite handy. 

Carry an LED flashlight.  Just do it.  It will come in handy in situations you've never imagined. 

The key to my apartment was crazy.  It was 6 inches long easy and took 5 minutes to lock and 5 minutes to unlock every time. 

If you wash your clothes, even the fabric softener doesn't really help since no apartment that I know of has a dryer.  Be ready for stiff clothing. 

Take as much underwear and socks as you think you can possibly wear during your trip.  Just do it. 

The parks are great. 

The falling dollar has really made the trips about 40% more expensive.  Too bad in many ways.

I never went to a nightclub.  I'm not sure if I missed anything. 

There's probably more, but this is good for now. 

[Jumper]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry,i'm not laughin' at your lack of success this trip.

i am just enjoying your thoughts on your Ukraine trip,
 and style of writing ,and sense of humor. 
 good stuff!

99% of your T/R i can relate to, in my experiences there.
(and yes i've been to Kharkov )
i wish i could find my old trip report 7 years ago or so..
i had a lot of the same humor,, and outlook on the crazy cab drivers and other fun experiences.Like the 1940s plane from kharkov to kiev, the train  bathrooms..
 the *non existant  ice, the tiny and somewhat scary *lifts*, and treachorous crumbling balconies.
The one half inch square piece of brown paper bag, that the babushka was selling as *toilet paper* at borispol....
The fact they amusingly  charged you for ketchup at micky D's
(which i only went to at the request of a date)

fun times =)

do not get me wrong, ,I enjoyed my trip!!!
and your trip report was great!!
 and brioght back a lot of memories,
thanks for sharing!!

and i hope things go well with the one prospect and good luck in your future! 

[TripWire]

Thanks AJ. 

Seems things haven't changed a whole lot since your visit to the Ukraine. 

This may sound crazy, but I pack a roll of toilet paper in my carry on bag before leaving the US.  I also fold and compress some and stick it in each back pocket.  I highly recommend it, and I also recommend carrying your wallet in your front pocket.  Additionally, if you find a nice restaurant you like that has a good bathroom, remember it.  The LAST thing you want to do is use some of these other bathrooms.  I ate lunch in one restaurant 3 times for 2 reasons -- good food, good bathroom. 

Here is a great example.  My driver spoke zero English.  (I was promised an English speaking driver.  Oh well.)  But of course since I spoke a little Russian, he thought I was fluent and understood everything he said.  So I said "Ya gavaru pa-Ruski dolka nemenoga, e ponyameyo ne oochi hereshow" (sorry, I can't type the cyrillic characters right now).  "I speak Russian only a little, and I understand not very well."  He shook his head yes, then continued speaking rapidly about who knows what as if I did really understand.  So you catch a few words like "37" "work" "answer" "black," did he say "train" or "eat" and then did he really just say "elephant?" and think what in the heck is he actually talking about. 

But getting back to the example, I said in my best Russian, "I need the toilet, for me it is necessary."  He laughs, we pull off at some gas station (gas was the equivalent of about $5.50 per gallon, by the way).  I walk into a collapsing little concrete room, no door, and there is a big hole that goes down about 25 feet to an ancient pipe that I suppose runs as sort of an open sewer to who knows where.  Another good reason to only drink bottled water.  The stench was overwhelming, so if you need incentive to practice holding your breath, you're good to go.  Fortunately I am a man and only had to urinate. 

I also recommend taking some zinc lozenges (they work for me, anyway) and some anti-biotic cream and bandages for cuts, burns, etc.  Perhaps you can find it there, but I sure couldn't.   I did get some Swiss-made powdery lozenges with Ukrainian directions for my sore throat.  My interpreter was telling me to swallow them.  I'm looking at them thinking, sure, if I want to block my windpipe and die a horrible death.  Turns out no, they melt in your mouth.  Anyway, even my interpreter didn't know what I meant by anti-biotic cream.  I burned the bejesus out of one finger, which blistered, got infected, etc.  Anti-biotic cream and bandages would have been quite handy. 

By the way, I don't want to imply that everything was awful.  I had fun and met some interesting people, and I made friends with some musicians.  A lot of people I met were very helpful, especially when I at least attempted to communicate in Russian and what passes for a desperate man's attempt at sign language (sometimes pointing to the fruit you want when you can't remember the name is very helpful).  And I was never harassed by authorities of any kind, unlike when I was in Russia.  I felt safe everywhere I went, but I didn't do anything really stupid either. 

There are things, even after several trips, you either forget about, never think about, or just overlook.  I wore one pair of walking shoes and took a dress pair of shoes.  But I wore older walking shoes, which just happened to develop a hole in the sole on the left shoe so every time it rained my foot was soaking wet, and I changed socks frequently.  I should have broken in a new pair before I left. 

Washing clothes is another funny thing.  I figured, hey, I have a washing machine, I can figure this out.  Would you believe the washer (and accompanying directions) was in Italian?  Why?  Why, why, why??  Could I figure out the symbols?  Well, sort of, eventually, but I never used a front loader and some of it just made no sense whatsoever.  I also forgot to translate Celcius to Fahrenheit so the socks I washed with my jeans in water that was WAY too hot turned a nice pale blue color.  And if you have no dryer, it takes 3 days easy in a cold apartment to dry clothes. 

I have something else I strongly recommend.  If you are like me and you have had planes be 2 hours late, then you worry about missing flights and getting stuck somewhere.  I would tell you about the time I got stranded in Moscow, but it would just scare the uninitiated.  Hell, it scared me when it was happening. 

If you can do so, try to build 3 hours of lay over between every flight.  I have to take 3 flights to reach my destination.  It makes the trip longer.  But you are so much better off if you can avoid something going wrong.  On my trip over I changed airlines at JFK.  How hard can that be, right?  I found out just how big JFK airport really is, and just how long it takes to get checked through Aerosvit.  It took 90 minutes to get through the Aerosvit line, 30 minutes to change terminals.  Without 3 hours and 20 minutes between my flights, I would not have made it. 

Phones.  I had my US cell phone, and I bought a phone from OneRoam that actually has an Estonian phone number but works in 150 countries.  Now, it's about 2 bucks a minute to use it in the Ukraine, but it came in quite handy for emergencies.  When I got to Kharkov, I bought an inexpensive phone and a sim card and my interpreter helped out with that.  I picked up and IP phone card and used the phone in the apartment to call the states at a fairly reasonable cost.  (The OneRoam phone is cheaper to use in some other countries, if you are traveling elsewhere, and is significantly less expensive to use in Russia by the way.)

So, just some food for thought when planning. 

[CCowboy]

Great report.  I made 4 trips to Kharkov this past year.  From Kiev I opted to take the bus which leaves right in front of the airport.  Cost is about $25 if you have 3 bags.  They are modern buses and they make several stops along the way so you can go to the toilet...costs 10 cents and you do need to hold your breath...and locals wait for the buses to sell their Ukrainian food.  It takes about 7 1/2 hours.  For my return, I've taken the overnight train that leaves Kharkov about 2AM and arrives in Kiev around 10AM.  You can then take a local bus from the train station to the airport for about $4.  Unless you have money to burn, traveling like locals saves a lot of money.

I've sparingly used local agencies in Kharkov.  Most are charging $30-40 per meeting and some even higher.  There are two agencies that use the name Charming Brides but have different web sites and are not affliated.  One is on Sumskaya and the other is near McDonalds off Lenina.  I didn't actually do business with them but was just checking them out.  Both seem to be OK...for agencies.  But I have in the best used Kharkov Lady and All Beautiful and was pleased with their services.  It's still a crap shoot and luck.  I recently met a guy making his first trip, met 2 women, decided one is THE ONE, and it appears he's going forward.  I'll admit they look like they belong together.  Of course, he's a very nice looking 46 y.o. 6'4" and she's a 26 y.o. lawyer babe.  Just gotta be in the right place at the right time and meet the right woman. 

[Jet]

TripWire,
 
I really enjoyed your report, and your writing style! 
Sorry thinks did not go exactly as planned. I had to laugh when I read this, it brought back memories of my third trip:

If you can do so, try to build 3 hours of lay over between every flight.  I have to take 3 flights to reach my destination.  It makes the trip longer.  But you are so much better off if you can avoid something going wrong.  On my trip over I changed airlines at JFK.  How hard can that be, right?  I found out just how big JFK airport really is, and just how long it takes to get checked through Aerosvit.  It took 90 minutes to get through the Aerosvit line, 30 minutes to change terminals.  Without 3 hours and 20 minutes between my flights, I would not have made it. 

I was flying Miami>Moscow with a plane change in Atlanta and an Airline change in JFK, booked through two separate travel agents (to save @ $350 overall). I figured it would be a cakewalk having an hour in Atlanta and then a 4 hour wait before my Aeroflot hop to Moscow. Well the Delta plane Atlanta>JFK taxied out onto the active runway right on time, and then immediately proceeded to taxi right back to the repair hanger with a faulty valve in the nose gear which took 3hrs 45 min to repair  . When I got to JFK I looked around and thought to myself GREAT! Aeroflot ticket counter is directly adjacent to Delta....then it hit me, I needed to retrieve my luggage and once in the luggage area, there is no way to backtrack through the terminal :burnedup: Ended up dragging my bags around the outside of the building (no sidewalks and no skytrain in those days) up the hill to the front doors of Terminal 7 whilst dodging the kamikaze cab drivers  . Ended up being the second last person on the plane before they slammed the door shut. What made this a big deal, was that my fiancee (now wife) had left her town on the overnight train to Moscow at the same time I had left home for the airport in Miami. She was to meet me at SVO and there was absolutely no way to contact her in case something were to go wrong. In the end it all worked out, as they upgraded me to business class (apparently they already filled my seat in coach) and I met up with my sweetheart some 9 hours later without further incident, but my time at JFK was truly nerve wracking!

[Jumper]

My driver spoke zero English.  (I was promised an English speaking driver.  Oh well.)  But of course since I spoke a little Russian, he thought I was fluent and understood everything he said.  So I said "Ya gavaru pa-Ruski dolka nemenoga, e ponyameyo ne oochi hereshow" (sorry, I can't type the cyrillic characters right now).  "I speak Russian only a little, and I understand not very well."  He shook his head yes, then continued speaking rapidly about who knows what as if I did really understand.  So you catch a few words like "37" "work" "answer" "black," did he say "train" or "eat" and then did he really just say "elephant?" and think what in the heck is he actually talking about. 

LOL. been there dont that,,
can now sell the T shirt


on the flight stuff..lol
yeah anyone traveling often there ,
needs to be prepared that nothing typically goes as planned.
i was once dropped off from an austrian air flight bound for DNK,,
at a completely closed due to bad weather ,simferopol airport.
no customs agents, ,no airline personel at all..
(the passengers unloaded the plane)
was very late , so no buses or anyone to tell us a schedule ,or where to get one even..lol
and about ten hour bus ride away from dnepro,(in very poor road conditionslol) ,
my very poor russian to try and arrange it...lol
about 8 of us passengers hired a city bus driver
(ok we bribed him ) to leave his route and drive us to DNK.
trouble was that as soon as he got out of the city,
 he was mostly lost and asking us where to go! like we knew!
(one silly amarikanitz and a few german businessmen)lol

ahh well, ,eta ukrainia!

your trip report brings a lot of fun times back..lol

now, like jet,LOL!
 i'm just a boring , crusty OMB.
 

[Pike]

Great report and writing style!!  Thanks.

I could tell many of the same stories times 20, since I have been to FSU  many more times than you.

I have a three page check list of items to pack and take with me.  Then I spread the items out over 2 checked bags, one carry on suitcase and one personal bag (shoulder bag like ladies purse).  My FSU friends make fun of all the items I bring; and then they often come to me for various cold medicines, pills to stop the sh!ts, start the sh!ts, portable irons, electronic items, etc.

About the lack of heat; I  learned of that years ago and one solution is simply to buy an electric heater.  Costs maybe $40-60 and then you just leave it with a friend when you depart.  Keep it out of sight when you expect the land lord or he might want extra money for the electricity.

On my recent trip, a gal and me ended up with a lunatic driver for a day outing.  I pretty much knew we were in trouble when I spotted his driving gloves.  He was on and off the gas and brakes like crazy and weaving in and out of lanes.  My gal told him to slow down, but he brushed her off saying he had taken an 'extreme driving' course and . . . had not hit anybody yet.  So we had to tell him to stop and let us out.  We flagged down another car and proceeded without incident.