Two Weeks After Arrival

[Voyageur]

IMHO, things are going very well.  I have learned that my fiancee is really a unique, wonderful and a rather strong woman. We have not had any disagreements or any issues at all. But some things that I have read about, like who is the real head of the house  and the cost for acclimation into American life is also very true. I had thought I had saved enough money for a car and other items, but the new decorations required and other costs were not adequately considered. I have shown her the household budget and bills and she understands about all of these things. I was going to buy her a new bathing suit for the Fitness Club but she refused, saying we had spent enough money on new things since she arrived and she would use her made-in-Russia bikini. She is not especially homesick, but misses the Russian people's ways and society, especially social life.  I took her to a local authentic Russian market and she bought just two bottles of Kefir and then said that she never wanted to go back to this place, because she did not need Russian food.  She never tried ice in drinks before, but because of the warm weather, she has tried this and now likes ice very much. She had a rather good life in her home city of Stavropol and her family was also well positioned and in the upper middle class.

My fiancée started cleaning the house immediately, to "make order", even though I am a rather neat (or so I thought) for a man.  I had cleaned everything thoroughly before her arrival, but it is still not "correct". We have bought a car for her and I teach her how to drive in our free time. She has her Russian license and international driving permit (IDP) and took special courses in a Volga in her home town. The new car is much different, obviously and she had to learn these differences, but she is a fast learner, believe me. Healthy American food (not burgers or McDonalds, lean meats and vegetables) are liked very much, as well as traditional American dishes. The diversity of people in America and also the relative fitness levels as compared to Russia are also items that are frequently noted. I took off from work for her first week here and am taking it easy in the introductions to family and especially friends. All will meet her eventually; but I want her to feel that the house is her home first.

I have bought Russian television stations on the DISH network, but these are watched hardly at all. The biggest difference in American people is the lack of walking (we live in the suburbs) and the lack of a social life comparable to Russian society.  I know that she will make friends quickly, but this should happen naturally, in due course.  My family likes her very much, and she has told her Mother that she will never return to live in Russia.  We use the "Peanuts" long distance carrier for an inexpensive connection to Russia. When I come home from work, we make sure that we spend quality time with each other, which is important because of her relative isolation in this new country.

I really do not like to post too many details about our relationship (and will not), but I want to post something to enable others like Clyde and Turboguy to have another reference point and have an idea of what others are experiencing. Others have helped me to prepare for this time with their experiences in this and ther forums. And certainly Jack and his tour has helped me understand what I was looking for in a woman from the FSU. Of course, all Russian woman (and for that matter, all American men) are different, but it is interesting to note some of the similarities I have experienced, given what have read in previous posts and forums.

[Turboguy]

That was a nice update.   I really enjoyed that and I think anyone planning to go through the things you are could learn and feel comforted by your experiences.   I think a lot of the gals go through much of the same things but I think they are a little less cookie cutter images than some portray.   If I look at some of the people here I see very unique individuals.   I think the same has to be true for the FSU gals.

I think you are off to a great start and I think you two are going to be very happy together.   I hope you can keep us posted.  It is a big help.

[Son of Clyde]

Voyageur,

Sounds like you have found a woman who understands the need for a budget.

I either have to make my woman understand this or send her back. When you spend more than you are taking in it is time for a talk.

I purchased digital cable television thinking she and her son would watch it, her son spends all his time playing video games on my pc.

They are unique, like your lady, but they are also like kids in a candy store.

Spend, spend, spend. 

[jb]

Clyde,

Have you enrolled the boy in school yet?  That should occupy some of his time and energy and at the same time wean him away from the computer games.  Russian children typically do well in school, unlike American children, they have been taught discipline in the classrooms from the first grade, they usually respect their teachers and adapt very quickly.

Regards the shopping, I would suspect part of the problem is that she is bored sitting at home all day while you are at work.  My wife used to regard shopping as a form of socializing, or just getting out of the house.  That was before she started teaching at the college, now she comes home from school and just wants to relax, what was a highlight of her day a few years ago is now viewed as a chore.  Getting her to go to the mall and buy new clothes for the new school year was very hard.  She did it, but in an hour she was exhausted and ready to go home.

Part of your problem is also probably related to her lack of English.  Explaining the complicated concepts of budgets and finances to someone who doesn't have a good grasp of the words is going to be doubly difficult.  The first problem is she doesn't have a good feel for the cost of living, and secondly, she thinks you are rich.  

It also sounds like you have not yet made a committment to marry, as long as you are sitting on the fence about that she will not see your money as "our" money.  Russian women are usually good team players within the family, that is at the core of their values system.  If she has the gut feeling that you might call the whole thing off and ship her home, she will not feel like she's fully on board with a new family.  If you truly love this woman, start making wedding plans and see if her attitude doesn't change for the better.

[Turboguy]

Personally I think jb has some good advice for clyde here.   I agree that probably a big part of the problem is boredom.   I am sure she did not spend that much money in Ukraine.   I think she is just trying to keep herself busy and spending your hard earned money is the only way she can find to do it.

Think about those bikes.  How about three bikes?   there should be lots of bike trails there.  How about some picnics.

I am sitting in Dallas right now waiting for a trade show to start at the Dallas convention center.    Luda will be here in 8 days.   I have two days to kill and have been planning out my time with her.  Perhaps when it happens it will change but there is not going to be a lot of shopping time.    I have told Luda that with summer ending we were going to go like crazy for the first three weeks then we were going to settle down and work on building a happy life together.  

I am going to share the agenda i have been working on and I really have not put much more than an hour into this planning.   My thought in sharing this is that it might give you some ideas son of Clyde.  I also am staying flexable on the parts that don't require an advance purchase so it something else comes up I can change my plans.

Here they are:  She arrives on the 25, no plans just getting her home, showing her the house and letting her rest.  

26th:  easy day,  take her over and show her my business and let her meet everyone,  go to a little park for a picnic and go play miniture golf.   Saturday the 26:  Company picnic.  they are cooking shushlick, her favoirte food for her.  we will play volleyball and I will teach her to pitch horse shoes, maybe some badmitten, lawn jarts and all the typical picnic stuff.   

Sunday the 27th.   I am taking her to Walmart to buy two bikes and tennis rackets, to the mall and to the outlet mall to buy some new outfits.  this will be her big shopping day. 

Monday the 28, We are going to Ohio to Cedar Point amusment park.  She likes that but only rides the tamer rides.

30-31st-1st,  Relaxing days.  Try out some tennis and the bikes and go a back yard cook out.  Maybe show her around the beaver valley a bit.

2nd.  We are going to the captains dinner dance cruise in Pittsburgh.  It is a paddle wheel boat that is fun.  I will also show her around the "Burgh"

3rd,  Goiing to the Canfield Fair in Youngstown Ohio.  It is the biggest county fair in the area.  I am sure she has never seen anything like it.

4th, 5th  labor day weekend,  Open,  thinking about a little camping trip.  I just bought a new tent and sleeping bags and she says she like to camp.

Sept 6th.- 9th   heading for Virginia Beach.  Hopefully there will be some warm water left and she should enjoy the shore area.  

Sept 10-11 Leaving VB and going to spend a day or two in the DC-Baltimore area on the way back

September 12th  The party is over it is time to start building a life together but we will stay very active and spend a lot of time walking, riding bikes, camping, tennis and the like.   I also belive we are going to be joining a bowling league that bowls every other sunday night.   I will be surprised if Luda spends as much time shopping.   I think if she does it will be because we need things and not becuse she is bored.   I also still have remodeling to do and Luda says she want to help me.  I think doing some of those projects together will be fun.   We do have some other big trips ahead down the road.   We will be in Floriday for a couple of weeks in November and to the West Coast for 3 weeks in Febuary. 

My suggestion is to sit down and think of things you might both enjoy.  There are lots of things that are cheap or free.  Keep her mind off shopping.   Go out and have fun togehter.  Go out and have fun as a family. 

 

[Son of Clyde]

JB, he is being enrolled today and I am taking them to the SSA office later.

Turbo, if you have a little free time on September 10 - 11 give a holler.

We plan to marry sometime in mid September.

In Baltimore county a marriage license can be used within 2 days and is valid for 6 months. 

 

o

[KenC]

[user=250]Voyageur[/user],

Very nice update.  Best of luck to you.

Clyde,

Yikes!  First time you mentioned sending her home.  A budget tip for you, which may or not work depending upon your ability to communicate with your lady:  Give her X amount of cash per week for household groceries and such.  Checks and debit/credit cards are just too abstract for them to handle.

Turbo,

Be careful not to overwhelm your lady with too much activity soon after her arrival.  I know Lena takes at least a week to recover from her trips home.  All in all, you seem have a great plan though.

KenC

[Turboguy]

Thanks Ken,  I am planning to stay flexible as much as I can.  If I see I am wearing her down I can back off, if i see she is bored I can throw in a water park or some other things.   I don't think she is going to be bored though and I think a lot of this is for me as much as it is for her.   I have not had much R & R for a while myself.

Son of Clyde.   Sometimes with children they need to hear NO.   Maybe it will be that way with her too.  Maybe you need to just set limits or as Ken suggested in his great post give her a budget.    I had one when I was 12 and sat down and planned my expenses out and I think the things I learned doing that stayed with me my whole life. 

Most every problem has more than one solution.   Sending her back is one sure cure.  There are others.  I thnk the others might be better for everyone.   You just need to work together to find them.

[jb]

Clyde,

Getting the boy in school is the best thing you could have done for him.  He may hate you for it right now, but he'll be forced to prefect his English skills asap.

he is being enrolled today and I am taking them to the SSA office later.

By reading that, I assume you found the temp EAD stamped on the back of the I-94.  There's no need to take the kid to the SSA office, he is not eligible to get a SSN at this time.  You guys aren't married yet, therefore he's not a legal dependant and the SSA will not issue a SSN to anyone who isn't legally entitled to work, or is not a legal dependant of a US citizen.  You've got a ways to go before he can get a SSN.

Clyde, I was under the impression (obviously mistaken) that you worked for the SSA, I'm really surprised at these posts of yours.

[PeeWee]

That was a nice update.   I really enjoyed that and I think anyone planning to go through the things you are could learn and feel comforted by your experiences.   I think a lot of the gals go through much of the same things but I think they are a little less cookie cutter images than some portray.   If I look at some of the people here I see very unique individuals.   I think the same has to be true for the FSU gals.

I think you are off to a great start and I think you two are going to be very happy together.   I hope you can keep us posted.  It is a big help.

Not only a nice up date but an important and well thought out and written one as well. This, to date, is a success story. I get tired of the negative crap and red flag warnings but this is a positive look at how things can be and what the rewards can be for those who dare to try and for those who prepare well. Good luck my man.

 

Peewee and peewe junior reporting live from Moscow

[PeeWee]

[user=250]Voyageur[/user],

Very nice update.  Best of luck to you.

Clyde,

Yikes!  First time you mentioned sending her home.  A budget tip for you, which may or not work depending upon your ability to communicate with your lady:  Give her X amount of cash per week for household groceries and such.  Checks and debit/credit cards are just too abstract for them to handle.

Turbo,

Be careful not to overwhelm your lady with too much activity soon after her arrival.  I know Lena takes at least a week to recover from her trips home.  All in all, you seem have a great plan though.

KenC

I had thought that Clyde was too easy to consider the deposit of his nutz into her purse but the comment about sending packing is showing a hint of his desire to not be so quick to give over the family jewels. Hang on to your nads, Clyde. You are a dead man if you give them up. The rest of your life will be a nightmare.

PeeWee

[Son of Clyde]

JB, just because I work at SSA does not qualify me to know all the laws.

Hell, ask any three claims reps and you will receive three different answers.

Most employees do not bother to do research they only shoot from the hip.

There is always a manager looking over our shoulder asking us to do more work.

I have never heard a manager ask for accurate work in my 34 years here.

[PeeWee]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

JB, just because I work at SSA does not qualify me to know all the laws.

Hell, ask any three claims reps and you will receive three different answers.

No one researches anything they only shoot from the hip.

Is that any different from the IRS?

 

Peewee

[jb]

Most employees do not bother to do research they only shoot from the hip.
There is always a manager looking over our shoulder asking us to do more work.
I have never heard a manager ask for accurate work in my 34 years here.

That's amazing, my experience dealing with the tiny little SSA office in Alice, TX, (population 22,000) was just the opposite.  All of the clerks were very knowledgeable and if there was a question, they got the correct answers immediately.  Of course, that may be due to the fact that we are in very close proximity to the Mexico border and these clerks are used to dealing with immigrants everyday.

[Turboguy]

It is nice to see a success story and this seems to be a real one.   I have tried to read between the lines to see why and I have some thoughts on this but I think I would really like to ask Voyager.   So voyager what are the secrets of success?   It does seem like you have great communication with her.   Is that the secret or is there more?

[Photo Guy]

Budget.  I agree: give her so much cash per week, to spend on groceries, essentials, and with a little left over for clothes, sexy lingerie, etc.

From there, you can shift from a weekly budget to a monthly budget, using cash. From there you can switch to cash AND a debit card for her, which will not be 'bottomless'.  They do budget in the FSU don't they?!

I am not speaking from experience - just common sense. You're right- if you two spend more than you take in, it will be a total disaster.

Turbo, keep in mind that right after her flight, she may be suffering from jet lag. Give her a slow massage, chamomile tea, soothing music, a warm bath, candle lights...

Voyageur,  good report. Thanks.

[Voyageur]

TurboGuy,

There is really no secret, except I have really learned the hard way. A woman that was totally wrong for me, came here on  my first K1. She stayed five days, it was really a disaster - emotionally and finacially. She and I were not a good match and I learned many valuable lessons. The second and last woman I sponsored is very different from my first K1 experience. She comes from a good family, background and has a good education.

I just got very lucky, but I hate to call this a success just yet because it is so little time. But I stand behind everything I wrote as being true. But I will not go into any more details on my present relationship because she is rather private.

[Photo Guy]

Voyageur,

Check out 'Soviet Women, Walking the Tightrope' by Francine du Plessix Gray  for insight into the RW's mind

She quotes an editor in the FSU, Monika Zile (1989):
' "Much of perestroika is about waking up the lichnost, the individualism in our men, so that they cease feeling superfluous. It is about creating a society of less aggressive females who can at last regain their womanliness.'

another quote:
'The principal function of the women's movement in this country(S.U.), would be to quiet our women down, make them more capable of reassuring their men.'

Russian proverb:
'Women can do everything; men can do the rest.'

[jb]

Putting a Russian woman of a weekly "allowance" is probably the worst advice anyone could give.  Treating her like a child will offend her sense of pride and make her think you believe she's of low intelligence.   Really a bad move.

It would be far better to make her understand the family budget and finances so that she can be a willing co-conspirator in the family planning and financial well being of her new life.

Putting her on an allowance, or a weekly cash budget, and telling her that when that's gone there will be no more, will make her feel like she's 10 years old.  Really bad advice, IMHO.

[Photo Guy]

I never implied that you should talk down to her. Talking down to someone is a bad move. You know what I mean? As one adult to another, she has to learn that we live on our paychecks, within our means. There is a fixed amount of income for most people. Yes, our monthly incomes are our 'allowances'. True. If you can get her to see the relationship between spending and income, then do that in any way you deem appropriate, but she must learn that concept or you'll end up in financial hell.  

[BC]

jb,

Spot on.  I just hand over whatever comes out of the ATM. Even before we were married, when I was visiting I would give her my travel money and let her handle things. The books are open here and she has all the same cards I do.

Yes mistakes have been made and lessons learned but most important she knows that we are in this together.  If there isn't this much trust it isn't a good marriage imho.

If budgeting and learning new monetary values is a problem, lock up the cards and work together on a cash basis for a while.

[Bruno]

jb,

Spot on. I just hand over whatever comes out of the ATM. Even before we were married, when I was visiting I would give her my travel money and let her handle things. The books are open here and she has all the same cards I do.

Yes mistakes have been made and lessons learned but most important she knows that we are in this together. If there isn't this much trust it isn't a good marriage imho.

If budgeting and learning new monetary values is a problem, lock up the cards and work together on a cash basis for a while.

 

It is not really a problem of trust or intelligence... only a educational problem... like you, when i go to foreign country, i trust the local woman... she know better that me where are the good shop with good price... it is his own country...

Now, when a RW is coming to a Western country, it is possible that she have never use a bank card, that she don't know what is credit, what is mortage... she need to understandt that energy is not almost free, that we need to sort our garbagge, that water can be expensive ( not fill a bad with 300 liter water for clean one piece of lingerie )... finance is something that she need learn... and same with good mutual language is not easy... each year, i need help people from Belgium who are not able to fill correctly the yearly tax document... some local people understand nothing about our finance system, how do you wish that a foreign woman understand all directly...

Thing who can be simple for us, can be difficult for RW... it is the problem of other culture... by example, my ex-wife open windows in winter when she have too much hot... she don't think about lower the chauffage... in Russia, several appartment have radiator with a "vanne" ( sorry, i don't know the english word )... i have explain and she have understand... but several time, by reflex, she have open again the windows... time is needed...

For the people who are almost married, you will see in the life of each day some little problem due to the difference of culture... inform your lady and don't worry if she forget some thing... repeat it again... we have need all our life for learn what we know, don't ask to someone other to learn it in a few week or month...

Patience is the master word...

And if are not able to support the cultural shock, why the hell have you choice to be fiance to a foreign woman... foreign relation can give big reward but give big responsability too... normally, all this need to be think before starting the hunting... the time used for build a relationship with a woman is not used for speak only about love... use some time for speak about the futur common life... about possible problem, describe how all work in your country...

Myself, i have use now two week with Larisa for explain her how work our social security system... of course, i speak about feeling in my letter but i ready her in the case she become my wife and come in Belgium... she will already know a lot of thing before visit me...

[jb]

If you can get her to see the relationship between spending and income, then do that in any way you deem appropriate, but she must learn that concept or you'll end up in financial hell.

Very true, but putting her on a $100.00 or $200.00 per week allowance is not the way to do it, this will make her feel very small.

Of course, I and others, have always advocated communications better than the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" level, which means you should be able to discuss family finances, adult to adult, if you can't do that, you don't really have a relationship.  

You are just foolin' yourself.

[BC]

Bruno,

It's more a difference in mentality than culture.

Many seem to get these two mixed up.

It's all about 'how things work' there vs here.

[Turboguy]

Voyager,

I think experience is a good teacher.   Luda will be my first K-1 but I have met a ton of FSU women and even though there are differences I see a lot of chemistry there too.  

I agree that the final bell does not toll at 2 weeks.  I think there is such a thing as momentum in life and in relationships.   You have good momentum going and I think that would let you hit a pothole with little difficulty.  I am looking forward to seeing how the next few months go for you but my crystal ball says you will do fine.  I think it is nice to see it going well because we have so many bad stories we hear.  I think maybe a little of that is when we have a good relationship there is not much to tell and sometimes the people are too busy having a happy life to say anything at all.   We bring a gal over and she runs through our money, leaves us for another guy, does a real number on our psyche darn we not only have something to talk about, but it is good therapy for us and we don't have anything worthwhile to do with our time anyway except pound the keyboards on one of these sites cause we haven't got a woman any more.

My take on Son of Clyde is a little different.   I think a lot of people could listen to his comments and say, this is going real bad.   Clyde is gonna ship them both back and be a batchlor till he is old and gray and a few years beyond.    I think my thoughts on this are that he has a good relationship with two problems.   I think the reality of it is that she wants to make it work and Clyde is tired of being alone in his life and will try hard to make it work.    I think they are really pretty good for each other but there are two things that they need to solve.   The first is the boy and i think that problem will take care of itself.   Once he gets into school makes some friends and learns the language he is going to be busy and on the go.   I can say from experience that partenting a teen age son can be really challenging but he will be fine.  He is a good kid and smart and will adapt quickly.   

The other problem of course is she is spending Clyde into the poorhouse.   Look at the bright side Clyde, if it doesnt work and you have to send her back at least you will have the fanciest bedding you have ever had.    That was a joke.   But seriously, this has to get solved.   It is possible she will wake up tomorrow and say, i am spending too much of Clydes money.   i had better stop.  there have been a lot of suggestions and ideas.   I don't know the answer.    There are lots of conversations about the ability to really communicate with your gal.   Have you really just sat her down and said.  Honey we can't afford to spend this much.   This is what we can do.  You have to help me with this hon or we can't get by.   Maybe instead of clyde putting her on a budget he needs to put himself on one.   rip up the old credit cards.   Put some money in your wallet each pay and when she says lets get this, pull out your wallet and say, oh darn, that is $ 75.00 and I only have $ 50.00.   we will have to get it next week.   I don't know that anyone can give you the answerk but we sure are good at giving suggestions.   You need to find a way to solve it for your own peace of mind. 

We should have some time when we are down there.   i will give you a call when we are closer.