Two Weeks After Arrival

[KenC]

Photo,

At least in the beginning, I think an apartment is actually a good thing.  Most Russians are used to living in flats and adjusting to a house can be something left to be done later.

When Lena moved here, I had an apartment and she liked it just fine.  We moved into a very nice condo later.  It was a brand new condo that had one adjoining unit (duplex).  We had a beautiful common area that was park like right out our windows.  She didn't flip over it at all.  She said she felt like she was living in a "village".

Today, we live in a nice new home in San Diego.  She has adapted to suburbian living and loves her pool and grounds.  It still wouldn't take much to talk her into living in a downtown condo if I wanted though.

KenC

[Photo Guy]

This is off topic, but does Lena realize what a great place San Diego is and how lucky she is to live there? The trolley messes up taffic there at times, but the downtown is really nice, beautiful architecture, clean, etc.  And, off course, the great weather.

[Turboguy]

Doug,  Change that note.  It is not "Blunt"  it is "Very Blunt"

I think most of the gals would be very happy in an apartment in a not very desirable section of a major city.   Luda can not understand why many people here do not live in apartments and can't understand why anyone would want more than two or three rooms. 

She is very concerned that I live in a "village".   I think she will be fine with it when she gets used to it.   I usually have hot water so that is a big plus compared to what she is used to.

[Son of Clyde]

I have noticed that RW tend to make comparisons.

Her friend's fiance' showered her friend with gifts and would send $1,000 to her some months for living expenses.

Most guys on the board think $300.00 is excessive, but I was sending this every month for 6 months before her arrival. I paid for her English classes as well.

She may also be comparing my living situation with other couples who have been married for years. I was not a couple until the end of July.

[KenC]

Photo,

You asked:

This is off topic, but does Lena realize what a great place San Diego is and how lucky she is to live there? The trolley messes up taffic there at times, but the downtown is really nice, beautiful architecture, clean, etc. And, off course, the great weather.

Who do you think was the driving force behind us moving here from Michigan?

KenC 

[Photo Guy]

I should remind 'L' that I have hot water here. ..And A/C!
When we look back at our lives, when I am old and grey and she is, well, ...middle aged, we can remember how I once enticed her with hot water and my 'spacious' modest condo.  Ha.  But, I've read here that all is relative and she will adapt and evolve into an AW and learn to take hot water for granted.

[KenC]

Photo,

And just who do you think was the driving force behind our move here from Michigan?  LOL.

KenC

[Photo Guy]

Turbo,
I should remind 'L' that I have hot water here. ..And A/C!
When we look back at our lives, when I am old and grey and she is, well, ...middle aged, we can remember how I once enticed her with hot water and my 'spacious' modest condo.  Ha.  But, I've read here that all is relative and she will adapt and evolve into an AW and learn to take hot water for granted.

KenC
Lena?  Ah yes, RW can be strong-willed.  ( ...And very blunt)

[Turboguy]

Luda is very excited about the idea of always having hot water.    About the only thing I have not replaced in the house is the water heater.   Wanna bet what will blow up next Thursday morning?

I am sure it will not take too much Americanization tilll that is forgotten and a sports car or big boat is in the forefront.

[corp]

You know when a guy is living in a "not so nice" rental and just recently takes on the
responsibility of a woman and her child......maybe I am alone in my opinion but
THAT IS NOT THE TIME TO BE SPENDING 800$ on sheets!

Are you guys pulling Clydes leg or are you for real?

Don't give me any crap about lasting 30 years either, in 5 years she will want a different color anyway and those high dollar sheets .....they will cover the floor as the walls are being painted to match the new color scheme.


Clyde from what you are reporting, you are in for a rough ride, everyone seems to be siding with her no matter how obserd the demand...well let me be the voice of fairness.

You two should make a list of expenses and put them in priority.
You must live within your means, if not the financial burden will absolutly crush your relationship not to mention your future.

I think real soon you are gonna find out if she came to be in america or to be with clyde.

[PeeWee]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

When I purchased the linens she said "but they will last 30 years".

Her logic is by thinking over time, she does not see these debts as a week to week progression.

If I purchased all she has been wanting in the last few days, it would be $799.00 for a treadmill, $1,799.00 for new bedroom furniture and $699.00 for a washer/dryer unit. If you add this to the $800.00 spent last weekend it will be about 2 months net pay.

She needs to know the concept of allowing a certain amount per month and not to exceed that. I want to start giving her $20.00 a day for herself but it will not include grocery money. This will be her spending money.

The $800.00 in linens should be our limit for the month for household items.

She is not seeing the difference between necessities and recreational things. A 6 month spa membership for her may equal the price of the treadmill.   

Clyde is giving us an almost blow by blow account of this acclimation process. A kid in the candy stote mentality it seems. I would think her spending will subside but it might be good to note for those who are still waiting for their ship to come in that a somewhat large start up fund might be needed. Someone else said it earlier. The mentality seems to be that America is the land of plenty and that we Americans can print our own money. I am taking notes, Clyde.

 

Peewee and peewee junior   live from Moscow

[PeeWee]

[user=130]Son of Clyde[/user] wrote:

Yes Ken, I love them very much. I just want to be sure the money is there for the things they need. I can't buy them everything as soon as they see the things they want.

I have probably spent in excess of $10,000.00 just getting them here. Some of this was spent on my apartment and she does not like the apartment because the house is 85 years old.

Would you spend this kind of money on people you did not love?

A friend of mine (RW) agreed to marry a fellow who lives in Belgium. She lived in his home for 6 weeks and decided that she could not sleep there. She told him that she would marry him but not live in his house and that he had to get another. He thought about it for a week and ended up getting another house. What is it with RW being so particular about where their new home is? Or is it just these two?

 

Peewee and peewee junior   live from Moscow

[Journeyman]

Quite a while ago, I remember seeing a very detailed list of expenses for bringing a woman and a child from the FSU to America on a K-1 (including costs such as language and driving lessons, etc.), going through with a modest wedding, and then getting underway in the marriage.  The cost estimate was, IIRC, about $20,000.  Minimum.

Also, there has been much agreement that a guy has got to have a before-tax income of at least $60,000 to not be pulling out his (remaining) hair on a monthly basis (in a median-cost area).  Or, figure on $100K to get past most normal worries.

Clyde, I probably wasn't the only one doing the math on your statement about certain expenses in relation to your take-home pay.  Unless you have a lot tucked away in the bank (or you are on the verge of a sizeable inheritence), you are going to need to really clamp down on expenses . . . soon.  You might also begin thinking about a second job.  

Remember, financial stress is the #1 killer of otherwise sustainable marriages.  If she is indeed sincere, you need to start managing your situation now in such a way that you will not predispose it to ruin later.  If that means admitting to her that you don't have the money to meet either her expectations or demands, do it now, rather than later.  Your honesty now will save you years of headaches later.

You need to accept the reality facing you.  She might reject you on the basis of your finances, or she might not.  She might reject you for any number of reasons.  Or, you might live happily ever after.  We all hope so.  But by telling her about YOUR financial limitations (not her "excessive" spending) you will probably know her real interest in you sooner than later.  You need to meet reality head-on, and deal with it.  Indulging her while you fret over your finances is not dealing with reality.  I hope it works out as you would hope.  

Journeyman

[PeeWee]

Clyde, is a success story for the moment. He has made it further into this process than most of the readers of these posts will. He was smart enough to get this far without a lot of help from others and while he may not make it to the 20 year mark in marriage, few do, he has done it. Every marriage has it pitfalls and joys. I wish Clyde all the best because after spending just one short week here in Moscow with my lady I can already tell that the challenges are many.

I will find out today if I got past her mom's scrutiny. We had dinner and drinks with her last night. This is the first meeting and I was at my most charming. I knew early on that both her mother and her daughter were a critical step in this process. I won the daughter over two years ago. Add to that my son has to also accept her. He told me last night how much he does now like her. That was not the case two years ago. But for him to see her in her home with her family the realization that she was not just in this to find an American sponsor was dispelled in his mind. He said to me, "I can tell that you were made for each other. Your only problem is the Russian food that you don't seem to like. What are you going to do when she feeds it to you every night?"

Keep us posted, Clyde. You are making for a good case study.

 

PeeWee

[andrewfi]

Journeyman ~ I am sure that you are right, hence my previous comment about consumer credit. Problem is that from what Clyde has told us, he lived a pretty austere life. The shared laundry equipment and decrepit decorations tell us much. Now, I do not write to get down on Clyde; in many ways, until a few years ago, we were quite similar. But I think that some writers here and Clyde do not understand the changes that need to be wrought. When one factors in the effect of moving country on a small budget and with few possessions, an issue with which I now have some experience then one must realise that spending is necessary.

Clyde needs to find a way to make a home that, given his description, I would be unhappy in, (and I am more used to FSU living conditions than possibly any male poster here) acceptable to a woman and her kid who had, probably, not overly high expectations.

His fiancee needs to set herself up with the things that enable her to feel comfortable, with her son. At the moment, she probably feels as though she is camping in his three room apartment, not making a home. I bet she really hates using the shared laundry! When the new tenants move in, reckon on her doing the washing by hand in the bath tub. (You do have a bath tub Clyde?)

True, both of them need to do some serious budgeting, but Clyde can not afford to do what he needs to do from current income, but if he does not do some of it, at least, then he will lose the woman. So, yes, shared planning is needed, but also some (a lot) of borrowing.

If at the end of the day, between them, they can not make a plan that works, the woman will walk. I would expect nothing else, after all, would an American woman settle down with a man who was unable to provide, between the two of them, a home for themselves and family? Why should a Ukrainian woman settle for less?

[Bruno]

Every marriage has it pitfalls and joys.

Yes, the story from Clyde is good... and the problem of money is not the main problem... i have life 5 year with a RW and around the same amount of income... and with a child too... i was the only one who bring money home...

I have know the same problem that Clyde know now, own adaptation to family life... finish my expensive trip to cafe, finish my almost daily eat to restaurent, finish use taxi for go to book shop,...

Yes, i have learn to reduce the expense on my own side... and this have allow us to have a normal family life... to visit her family yearly in Russia... in 1999, it was my first marriage, my first time where i was responsible for a child... a big change in my life...

The only problem that i see with Clyde is that he seem to give up, he think already to send her home... Problem with money will resolve with time... but other problem can appear later... give up is not the solution... try resolve it TOGETHER is the good way...

Clyde have a big advantage... he hire is appartment... it was the same in my case... in the first 3 year, we have change 3 time from appartment... until she was happy... she have not like the first because it was too far from city... the second what in the center of city but it was too much noise the night... and the last was perfect, near a big park with plenty of place for children...

And how i have make with money ? Very simple... i have pay myself all the bill ( hire of appartment, electricity, ... )... i have deal the remaining money in 4 part... and each week, i have give her one of the part... so, she was not able to spend the monthly money in one week... but she was with the control of the budget... the only mistake was the credit card... she was using it until the ATM stop give money ( -2500 euro )... so, i have open a account for her where she cannot go below null...

I think that these problem that Clyde know now are due to the fact that they are together only some week... both need to adapt at the new situation and time is needed... and if both have enough motivation, it will be a success story...

And all these problem are not specific to RW... if you marry a local woman, the same problem appear... of course, it can be more easy with a local woman since they have usually own income... it is why the first year with a foreign marriage can be a hell... but when she will know the language, maybe she can work part time and earn his own money... but until she is able to work, the man is responsible for earn enough money for two...

 

[Son of Clyde]

I am seeing a behavior that bothers me.

A few mornings I had to wake up at 4:50am and she told me not to wake her, it is too early.

Now if I get up at 7am she will not wake up to see me off to work. Isn't this small but thoughtful thing something that most wives do? I did tell her I am not usually a breakfast person. Just to wake up for a second to tell me to have a good day and for me to say goodbye to her seems like the kind of thing most couples do without thought.

Maybe I am thinking like Ward Cleaver or Jim Anderson of the perfect family. It just seems that waking up for a few minutes to see me off is not a difficult thing to do. She can go back to sleep when I leave.

[Turboguy]

Don't wake me either Clyde,   it is too early for me too. 

Yes, waking up to see the other off for work would be standard and expected for those newly in love.  Of course after a few years of marriage it goes by the wayside but when you are in a fresh, hot and wonderful stage that is part of new love it seems pretty typical to me.     You have to keep in mind how much energy shopping takes though.

[KenC]

Clyde,

If getting up with you in the morning is important to you, discuss it with her tonight or over the weekend.  Personally, I like my "alone time" in the morning.

I have to tell you that something you posted earlier doesn't sound right to me.  When you said:

I have probably spent in excess of $10,000.00 just getting them here. Some of this was spent on my apartment and she does not like the apartment because the house is 85 years old.

Would you spend this kind of money on people you did not love?

I will not make light of the amount you spent, but just what does that include?  You indicate some of it was on your apartment.  Was that including your trip expenses too?

To answer your question, I would never equate money spent with love.  Many guys here have slammed the women for putting their monetary needs ahead of their heart and yet you are doing the same thing in reverse.  To say "I spent Xamount, so I must love them" is just plain wrong.  How would you feel if your woman said "Clyde will not buy me X, so he must not love me!"?  What your attitude and actions prove to me is that this whole process may have been over your financial position.  I do hope the guys with modest incomes are reading your posts of financial frustration.

PeeWee,

You wrote:

Clyde, is a success story for the moment. He has made it further into this process than most of the readers of these posts will. He was smart enough to get this far without a lot of help from others and while he may not make it to the 20 year mark in marriage, few do, he has done it.

I don't think that any one of these sentences are true.  It is far too early to consider Clyde a success story.  There are a lot of married posters here.  (We hit the 6 year mark last weekend)  Clyde has had a lot of help from others.  I don't think Clyde was ever married.

KenC[/size]

[Son of Clyde]

Ken, you had asked me if I loved Irina and her son.

I was just letting you know that I don't spend this kind of money on perfect strangers and people I don't like.

I went the lawyer route and it cost me a lot of money ($1,560.00) plus translations, 3 way calls, gifts, two visits to meet her, her plane tickets, painting my apartment, new furniture, money I sent each month for her support, etc.

[Son of Clyde]

By the way, today is their 21st day in the US.

Maybe my posts do sound as if I am being the victim but it is my observations about them. If they want to post about me I will gladly have it translated and post it here.

I am beginning to learn that she is the type of person who requires a lot of sleep and if I wake her she can be grumpy until she wakes up completely. I just phoned her from work and she is in a great mood, full of love, and missing me.

Maybe I should let her sleep as long as she wants from now on.

[jb]

I don't know if it's just me or not, but I'm having a hard time feeling any sympathy.  Clyde was told and warned many times about how this first few weeks would go. He was especially advised about the money end of it.

I personally advised him over a year ago to think seriously about buying a house of his own, IIRC, he blew it off saying that he had some kind of agreement with his relative who owns the house where he rents rooms.  Maybe he's in somebody's will and this will sort itself out positively some day in the future, but right now it doesn't look good.

But one thing is for sure, he was warned many times.

[Son of Clyde]

JB you should start a "tough love" board but I don't think it is love at all, merely you exerting your infinite wisdom on us unfortunate souls.

JB, you can be congratulating me one day and posting one of your negative posts the next day. If you didn't post one of your jokes from time to time I would think you were completely humorless. I know you did not meet your wife on a marriage site and you don't approve of them.

Did you and your wife have a perfect situation from day one?

[jb]

Did you and your wife have a perfect situation from day one?

Pretty much.

We've been married about 4 years now and she always gets out of bed 30 minutes before I do and has breakfast ready for me when I get out of the shower.  Weekends when we have nothing going on we lolli-gag in bed, but even with her teaching full time now our routine doesn't vary much.  We are just a couple of old married folks who try our best to keep each other happy.  So far,,, so good....

[Bruce]

Clyde - I sincerely hope things work out for you.  Unfortunately, the more you tell us about your current situation the more I worry for you.   Having an instant family probably is alot more nerve racking than if you just had to worry about your fiance.   I urge you to have frank conversations with your wife over the next two weeks.   If she does not sound reasonable, act rational and you are not connecting the way you anticipated you would as a couple I urge you to pull the plug.  I am sorry to hear there are so many major disagreements this early.   Either they will just peter out or escalate.   I hate to think of you as another guy brought up on spouse abuse charges, but that is starting to cross my mind with you reporting so many disagreements and misunderstandings.