To Tell The Truth

[ambach123]

As I correspond with the ladies in Ukraine prior to my visit, some of them already appear to have become quite attached, with their daily emails, stating that they are counting the days till they meet with me, etc.

I am quite apprehensive; because as I have read in the archives, the stats are that about 50% of RW who come here on K1, go back within the first year. I don't know how correct that is.

The main reason they go back appear to be that the reality of life here does not meet expectations of these women. They appear to have a very rosy picture of life in USA. I assume most AM know that life for RW is quite hard, at least in the beginning, with language problems, minimal job opportunities, lack of any friends except the sponsor, etc.

My question is would it help if I explained to them what life would be like in USA in rather blunt terms, before they decide to come, knowing that a fair number of them would change their minds after knowing the truth, but some of these are the ones who would go back in the first year anyway.

As I see it the goal of this pursuit is NOT to get a wife, that is easy, it is to keep a wife, after she gets here.

[Misha]

I was fortunate in that my wife had relatives in Germany and she knew the challenges they faced (learning a new language, being stuck with jobs that they did not like, the attitude of other Germans to Russian-Germans). She knew that coming to Canada would not be easy, and she still lived through culture shock and the stress of immigration. I can only imagine what it would have been like if she had expected something much easier. I think your strategy is sensible.

[Blues Fairy]

I'd recommend you to stay away from the subject of "life in the USA" before you actually meet any of them.  This seems a bit premature and could indicate improper motivations in your pen-pals.

[May First]

Life in USA can be very different for different people like for Donald Trump or some guy from the trailer park… You need to tell your lady about yourself, your life.
And get the one who speaks English for crying out loud!!!!!!!!
 

[ScottinCrimea]

Many of the RW have the mentality that in the US, they will have more financial stability and that is all they need to be happy.  They can't comprehend that those other "smaller" matters would cause much of a problem and can be easily dealt with.  Even if you try to explain it, it would be difficult for them to understand until they actually have time in the US.  It's only when they are actually here that the isolation, culture shock, new language, etc. actually sink in.

I think, while it is important to state the facts of your own situation in the US and perhaps provide a description of your day to day life, to go beyond that and pass judgements on the pros or cons of life in the US is pointless.  I spent two years in Ukraine pointing out to my wife the differences and what was better and worse, but it was not until she actually came here that she really understood, and many things were still quite a shock to her.  Either she didn't believe that I was being objective, or the difference was something she couldn't comprehend until she experienced it.

Any reality you present to her will be YOUR reality, not HERS.

[KenC]

ambach,
Care to enlighten us as to where you found such statistics?

It is best to be open and honest with these women.  They deserve to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  If it will be necessary for them to work to help support the family, you need to share that.  Not that that is a bad thing either.  Just paint as accurate a picture as possible.

Where this becomes a bit tricky is in the financial area.  "Owning" a house in the fsu means "owning" it free and clear without a mortgage.  Many women from the fsu do not have the concept down about financing things like homes and cars.  (Although this is rapidly changing)  Another big surprise is usually income and property taxes.  I don't know how much detail I would share at this stage of your relationships, but do not mislead them either.

Simple and "blunt" terms would be helpful to them to understand your specific situation and expectations.

Just FYI, the biggest hurdle my wife had to jump was in the area of social isolation.  Not yet fitting into my world and missing her old world.  There is a period of time when she felt like she might as well have been from Mars as Russia.  Hope this helps.
KenC

[KenC]

I'd recommend you to stay away from the subject of "life in the USA" before you actually meet any of them.  This seems a bit premature and could indicate improper motivations in your pen-pals.

Blues Fairy,
While I understand your point, don't you think some information about ambach's life is necessary?  Maybe not every little detail, but doesn't he have to reveal some of it now?  It is a fine line to walk as I see it.  You want to share as much as possible without using the information in a baiting way.
KenC

[Blues Fairy]

Blues Fairy,
While I understand your point, don't you think some information about ambach's life is necessary?  Maybe not every little detail, but doesn't he have to reveal some of it now?  It is a fine line to walk as I see it.  You want to share as much as possible without using the information in a baiting way.
KenC

As I see it, the OP haven't met any of the ladies he's writing to, but they already seem very attached to him - counting days etc.  Ambach, am I guessing right that you attribute this excessive enthusiasm to the "rosy picture of life in the USA" they seem to have, and seeking to correct it before they become too infatuated? 

If this is the case, detailed explanation of life in the USA will only further raise their hopes.  I seriously doubt any of them will pay any attention to the U.S. realities you'll explain - they'll only perceive that you're already thinking about bringing them to the USA.  Hardly the result you wish to achieve, I believe.   

[KenC]

Many of the RW have the mentality that in the US, they will have more financial stability and that is all they need to be happy.  They can't comprehend that those other "smaller" matters would cause much of a problem and can be easily dealt with.  Even if you try to explain it, it would be difficult for them to understand until they actually have time in the US.  It's only when they are actually here that the isolation, culture shock, new language, etc. actually sink in.

I think, while it is important to state the facts of your own situation in the US and perhaps provide a description of your day to day life, to go beyond that and pass judgements on the pros or cons of life in the US is pointless.  I spent two years in Ukraine pointing out to my wife the differences and what was better and worse, but it was not until she actually came here that she really understood, and many things were still quite a shock to her.  Either she didn't believe that I was being objective, or the difference was something she couldn't comprehend until she experienced it.

Any reality you present to her will be YOUR reality, not HERS.

Ain't that the truth!  A lot of what I thought would impress the heck out of Lena, she was ho hum about.     It honestly took years for her to appreciate living in America over Russia and still on some days she would prefer Russia.
KenC

[Gator]

As I see it, the OP haven't met any of the ladies he's writing to, but they already seem very attached to him - counting days etc.  Ambach, am I guessing right that you attribute this excessive enthusiasm to the "rosy picture of life in the USA" they seem to have, and seeking to correct it before they become too infatuated? 

Ambach,

Hopefully it is you and not the rosy USA life that the women find intersting.  "Counting the days" is not over infatuation - it is positive thinking.

I agree with BF to defer talking about your life until the second or third date.  First learn if it is possible to like a particular woman and whether she is sincerely interested in you.  In other words, have some fun together and reflect afterwards.  

A sincere woman may think you are moving too fast if you start talking about her future life in America.  Instead, ask about her goals.

[OlgaH]

They appear to have a very rosy picture of life in USA.

Have you talked with them about the picture of life in USA? How do they imagine this life? BTW their answers will let you know not only  about their knowledge and a seriousness of their intention to find a foreign husband and move to live in a strange country, but also about their expectation about you - what they want 

[OlgaH]

___________ oops

[viking]

I remember one RW watching the TV show Melrose Place (all about the high end living in Beverly Hills I believe) because she wanted to learn more about living in the US. I figure she has a bit of an uphill battle finding the right guy if she thinks Beverly Hills is normal.

[KenC]

I remember one RW watching the TV show Melrose Place (all about the high end living in Beverly Hills I believe) because she wanted to learn more about living in the US. I figure she has a bit of an uphill battle finding the right guy if she thinks Beverly Hills is normal.

The soap opera "Santa Barbara" was always the standard of measurement for life in the US.
KenC

[OlgaH]

The soap opera "Santa Barbara" was always the standard of measurement for life in the US.
KenC

 

Russian website that is devoted to «Санта-Барбара»

[viking]

I can stand corrected on this Ken. It's been a few years. But for some reason the name sticks in my mind. The point was that she thought that is how we all lived. You know, like you.

[KenC]

I can stand corrected on this Ken. It's been a few years. But for some reason the name sticks in my mind. The point was that she thought that is how we all lived. You know, like you.

Viking,
Better it be Santa Barbara because before that it might had been Dallas or Dynasty.
 :evil: :evil: :evil:
KenC

[I/O]

Viking,
Better it be Santa Barbara because before that it might had been Dallas or Dynasty.
 :evil: :evil: :evil:
KenC

[ambach123]

Ken C, the dismal stats I found in the archives, some guy by the name " Bruno " had taken then from US immigration stats.

By the way this forum has a very valuable search function.

Now to put it in more personal terms, I met a young lady at EM, let us say her name is Nadia. After some emails; she asks " Where do you live?, and can you send me some pictures of your living place? "

I thought that was a legitimate question; if I was going to a different country I would want to know where I would be living.

I am a well to do person, and I live in a nice place. I obliged her with her request.

Her email comes back, " that is a dream home". A dream home does NOT make a dream marriage, I know from experience.

I am keeping my financial status very low key, upon some of the advise I got here, but I had to answer her question truthfully.

Since that day she writes to me every day, sometimes twice daily, sometimes to say " Good Morning" or whatever.

She has a complete misconception of how life would be in USA. Nadia thinks that we have a " dream life ", and she would like to be a part of it. In my opinion she is set up for a fall.

Life for a RW is no bed of roses. Her expectations are so false that I have crossed off Nadia from a potential meeting.

The problem is that this will happen again, they would ask me same or similar questions again. " What do you do? " " Where do you live ? " these are common questions.

Ken C is very correct that it is the social isolation that sucks for the RW, they have no friends and no family here. It is a challenging life for them and I don't want to underestimate what she would be facing here.

I have read in the archives so many times, AM went to FSU and brought back women, only to lose them in a few months of arrival. Is it the man or is it unmet expectaions , whatever they may be. I believe it is a combination. I think the RW do not quite understand the extent of social isolation.

[TW1970]

I met a young lady at EM, let us say her name is Nadia. After some emails; she asks " Where do you live?, and can you send me some pictures of your living place? "

I thought that was a legitimate question; if I was going to a different country I would want to know where I would be living.

I agree it's a valid question and one that has been asked of me too. I took some photos of my neighborhood, the streets, and one of my living area (after I cleaned it up). Although the best thing I believe will be for them to see some video I am bringing of my family, friends, etc.

[TW1970]

I have read in the archives so many times, AM went to FSU and brought back women, only to lose them in a few months of arrival. Is it the man or is it unmet expectaions , whatever they may be. I believe it is a combination. I think the RW do not quite understand the extent of social isolation.

If you present a realistic picture of yourself and what she might expect living in the USA, then I think you have a decent chance. Of course there are other factors such as how easily she can be influenced by what other people say (2 buddies of mine who are married to foreign women for over 10 years have informed me of this). But my thoughts are to build a solid foundation first with her and hopefully I'll have a happy home.

[KenC]

Ken C, the dismal stats I found in the archives, some guy by the name " Bruno " had taken then from US immigration stats.

By the way this forum has a very valuable search function.

Now to put it in more personal terms, I met a young lady at EM, let us say her name is Nadia. After some emails; she asks " Where do you live?, and can you send me some pictures of your living place? "

I thought that was a legitimate question; if I was going to a different country I would want to know where I would be living.

I am a well to do person, and I live in a nice place. I obliged her with her request.

Her email comes back, " that is a dream home". A dream home does NOT make a dream marriage, I know from experience.

I am keeping my financial status very low key, upon some of the advise I got here, but I had to answer her question truthfully.

Since that day she writes to me every day, sometimes twice daily, sometimes to say " Good Morning" or whatever.

She has a complete misconception of how life would be in USA. Nadia thinks that we have a " dream life ", and she would like to be a part of it. In my opinion she is set up for a fall.

Life for a RW is no bed of roses. Her expectations are so false that I have crossed off Nadia from a potential meeting.

The problem is that this will happen again, they would ask me same or similar questions again. " What do you do? " " Where do you live ? " these are common questions.

Ken C is very correct that it is the social isolation that sucks for the RW, they have no friends and no family here. It is a challenging life for them and I don't want to underestimate what she would be facing here.

I have read in the archives so many times, AM went to FSU and brought back women, only to lose them in a few months of arrival. Is it the man or is it unmet expectaions , whatever they may be. I believe it is a combination. I think the RW do not quite understand the extent of social isolation.

ambach,

Ahh, Bruno, the Belgian that knew everything about America.  That explains a lot.
You're handling it correctly IMO.  Never lie but if you are "well off" you do not need to spell it out either.  Better to play your wealth very low key.  Success or failure is more dependent upon the two people involved in the relationship than any history on this forum.  All people are different and only a strong relationship can overcome the many hurdles in your path.
KenC

[HiTech]

My lawyer said that aprox 45% of his clients never marry on the K-1 and the woman returns.

[Jet]

My lawyer said that aprox 45% of his clients never marry on the K-1 and the woman returns.

I agree with the ladies (Blues and May) get the initial meeting out of the way first, if you see strong possibilities for moving forward with one of them, then elaborate over time without getting too far into the minutiae.

As far as Bruno's statistics, I remember that thread, and the number was based on I-94 cards. Many of our wives here have returned for a visit within the first year, which would artificially inflate the statistic. There are a surprisingly large number of K-1s that go back before marriage though, for whatever reason. One of the deciding factors for us in going the K-1 route as opposed to the K-3 was so that we could be certain that life here in the US would not be too "weird" for Lil to handle.

[msmoby_ru]

...the Belgian that knew everything about America.  That explains a lot.

Hi Ken, even Belgians can watch Holywood movies, and get US tv serials, and visit Disneyland Paris.... We know loads about  your nation

Seriously - sound advice on financial matters.