Once Upon A Time...

[myrddin]

Man, do they really use salo as a pizza topping? That just ain't right... Was this Celentano's?

Nope, this was a smaller place at the corner near the city center, and I cannot remember the name of it.  "Bacon" was a standard topping.  One thing I noticed later is that apparently Ukrainians think once you've settled on something, you want to stick to it - I'd have to explain later that no "bacon" was a perfectly acceptable option!

[myrddin]

Good to see that you're back writing again!

Very busy, but I'm checking in when I can.

I like that Lady C burned you a CD. I think that it makes for a very thoughtful gift. I did the same for the ladies that I met on my first (and only) trip to Ukraine in '06. Did she hand write something thoughtful on the face of the CD for you? Were you ever able to get it to play?

Yeah, but just the name of the group. And alas no, though for a while I figured that was my fault.  And here I thought she was being really nice!

[steviej]

... Then suddenly we get to The Bad Thing.

The Bad Thing ??????????????????????

[henryLauson]

The high view count on this thread has a low correlation with the number of different people viewing this thread, but is highly related to the same people checking back EVERY FIVE MINUTES, over and over in an attempt to discover what this "bad thing" was.

You’re KILLING US myrddin.

[dneid]

Hey, myrddin,
Get cracking, son, get cracking.  You just can not leave us hanging with "now The Bad Thing..."  That is just too cruel.  Man, I have dated AW teases that you could give lessons to!

[myrddin]

   The Bad Thing
      “Episode 37: The Enemy Within”

This is hard to remember and harder to write.  I can’t even relate the events coherently, because my memory of these moments is almost a singularity and I do not know exactly what happened.  It’s something I thought I couldn’t share, but it is too important to the story.   So...what better course of action than to share it with a few...thousand people who would otherwise never know?   

I suppose it may have something to do with cultural differences.  And if that’s not what it was, that maybe men will always have difficulty understanding women.  And if THAT’S not what it was, it is simply an embarrassing tale of my own issues.

The important thing is that things are going wonderfully, the music’s playing, she’s close to me and everything is going fantastically well.

Then very abruptly, without preamble or trigger that I can tell, she puts the iPod down, says she has to leave right away, and rushes to gather her things and put on her shoes. 

I’ve never seen her move so quickly.

It’s not late and I’ve just been told she has the whole weekend free.  It feels like I did something to horrendously offend her.  I have no idea what it could be and I don’t have time to figure it out because she’s leaving ASAP.  At that moment, the only way I could interpret her actions was that nothing was more important than getting away from me post-haste. 

She dumps some of the chocolate I gave her on the table and says it’s for me.  It feels like she just doesn’t want it.

As she’s leaving, she says something about tomorrow.  I can barely speak.  Maybe she really does want to see me again – but my mind is reeling, and the only thing I know is that every thing inside me is screaming that she’ll say anything to escape from me and I have no idea why.  In fact, I’m pretty sure in the West this would have been the case.  In that moment, every instinct is telling me the same thing.

I am fighting to avoid just asking her outright what’s wrong, on the vanishingly small possibility that maybe it is not me.  I’m desperately trying to convince myself that 5,000 miles is more than mere physical distance, and maybe nothing is as wrong as I am certain it must be.

I think a time is named.  Trying to keep my crumbling thoughts inside, I try to kiss her goodnight but she turns her head and it lands on the cheek.  She's moving away from me. Those seem like pretty clear signals, though she’s still sort of smiling.

I have no idea what’s going on and there are thousands of thoughts going through my head simultaneously, none of them happy.  I feel like I’m in a Kafka story.  A fierce argument is brewing between different parts of my brain. I am more than confused, I’ve gone from the highest high point to a crashing low in seconds.

I think that I kept most of this internal struggle from her, long enough to see her out and make sure she’s okay to get home.  From her declaration to heading out the door is maybe 20 seconds. 

There are bad things going on in my head.  I’m certain that I SHOULD know what I did (or didn’t do), and that not understanding makes it all worse.

There will be a battle, with some very old, very persistent personal demons. 

I’m up for hours, all the time berating myself for a million different things, on top of whatever the mistake was.  There’s no way to mollify this.  I’m either right and she ran away or it’s all in my head.  If the former, I don’t know why so I can never fix it.  If the latter, in my own head I have built up this terrible but imaginary structure of what’s going on and I have to doubt my interpretations of everything.  I can’t get the reins back on my mind’s galloping thoughts and I can’t figure out what happened and I can’t figure out what I should do. 
 
I never go to bed.  By the time I actually do fall asleep, as mentally exhausted as I had ever been physically, the best I can say is that maybe I fought the demons to a stalemate.

I do not know if I will ever see Lady C again.

[BorisS]

You are killing me, MR!

[steviej]

Myrddin, I'm sorry you had such an unexpected turn. It seems 20 seconds between "I've gotta go" and being out the door, something really threw the switch in her head about something. Maybe the terp can find out about it? Man, that's gotta be stressful   

[sillyboy]

What the... No explanation???

Women are a labyrinth my friend.

[Capstech]

From reading the details of your experiences, I don't think it's anything you might have done wrong. I'm sure you received an explanation from her later or at least from the agency.

[myrddin]

   The Last Full Day

I wake up and I feel a slight bit better, if sore.  I think the over/under on seeing her again is actually 50%, which is a significant change from last night.  She did say we would meet at 11 today.  Despite all my misgivings, why would she bother saying that if she was running away?

I am feeling a little zombie-fied for more than one reason.  It’s hard to sort out bad dreams from what really happened, which is still a blur.  But I am also showering and getting ready for the day, just in case it is my own neurosis built this up out of nothing.  Doesn’t seem likely, but the ice water shower distracts me for a bit.  It’s as unpleasant as ever, I just don’t really care this time.

This is my last full day in Mari, maybe I could still meet with someone else.  But if I was so completely wrong about everything with Lady C, I am worried that I have no chance of ever becoming even marginally perceptive.  “Perhaps it is best to give up,” which just shows the demons aren’t gone.

I’m ready with time to spare.  I’d rather not think at all than follow the tracks my mind is headed...but now I have nothing but time.  Can I recover enough to see someone else if it comes up?  Didn’t she say 11?  Why is the clock moving so slow?! 

I decide to wait till 11:30, then I will call R and see about Lady E.  Oh, crap, when am I going to see Lady E again?

I am trying to tell myself that, no matter how hard it is, I have to recover fast.  Either Lady C is coming or not, but I will have to let go of all this negativity in my head.  I never wanted it.  And I am trying to remember how every other day here felt. 

Standing on the balcony, trying to let the beauty of this morning get past my Walls, I see an older lady striding down the sidewalk.  She is dressed to the hilt, looks like some sort of professional woman, carrying a briefcase, must be in her late 50s or even 60s.  Despite everything going on in my head, there is room for an odd thought, “Not a traditional babushka.  If my lady looks like that in 30, 40 years I’d be pleased.”  I don’t know if this is a sign I am not completely gone, that I am leaning towards crazy, or just random floatsam in my head.

Trying to force my attitude, I sit down to write a list of just the highest points of the trip so far.  Not merely “high points”, but things that by themselves could almost justify the entire trip.  Only later did I realize that it was almost a page long when I stopped.

It’s not even 10.  If I had an analog clock at this point, it would be ticking backwards.

[myrddin]

  Turnaround

Eventually, never mind “minutes like hours”, seconds feel like hours, the suspense ends.

I’m heading to the balcony to look at the bright day and there’s a beautiful lady at the door to my building, on her cell, of course. 

Often we don’t recognize a Moment as it happens.  But as I am looking down at the entry way my phone rings (just as the display changes from 11:04 to 11:05), I am in one of them and I know it.  The bad stuff drains away in an instant, it must have been my imagination.  With nothing but joy in me, I tell her I will be down to meet her right away.

[Jumper]

sheesh,
i could fly to ukraine and get the whole scoop straight from the real source faster.. !!
 

 
Just razzing ya man..


i've been a beach bum lately, (yes chicago has nice beaches, and nice scenery at them)
 so havn't been checking in here much ..lol
but when i do, you leave us with just more cliff hangers..

:::::::::shakes head in disappointment::::::::::

get to writing!!  or i'll show you my tan lines
 

 

[dneid]

:::::::::shakes head in disappointment::::::::::

get to writing!!  or i'll show you my tan lines
 

 

OK, myrddin,
I must agree with AJ.  Get crackin' or I'll make sure AJ shows you his tan lines!  (Gotta admit, that scares the crap out of me!)

[myrddin]

Yikes, I don't want to respond to threats (it sets a bad precedent!) but you might have found one that could work.

Still, as I said in someone else's T/R, if things did not go as well as they did, there would be more time for the report.  It's a good thing.  For me. 

[myrddin]

i've been a beach bum lately, (yes chicago has nice beaches, and nice scenery at them)

   You know, I hear that the harder part starts after your lady arrives.  Apparently, the difficulties involve spending days at the beach with a beautiful Ukrainian lady....  If that's "the hard part", bring it on!    

[myrddin]

She smiles and can finally see the bright sun.  I embrace her and time slows again, but in a good way.

I might seem almost manic depressive by now, but things really did turn around fast, like a collapsing wave function (after a loooooooong night and morning).  All that negativity must been internally generated, and hopefully that’s the last I’ll see of it for...ever.  Even if there was some problem, she must have gotten over it.  I wonder if she has any idea what I was thinking last night, but I just want to forget about all of that. 

She’s happy now, I’m pretty sure I’m not misinterpreting that.  I vow to just enjoy this “bonus” time with her and try not to be a neurotic freak.  She tells me she wants to show me the market and get some gifts.  Frankly, if she said she wanted to go swimming in the La Brea tar pits at that point, I’d have been up for it. 

We start walking down the street, but she stops me almost right away.  When she gives me a Victory Day ribbon, I have an odd vision of being pinned to the ground with a flagpole though my chest.  It’s fun, though.

It turns out she wants to get gifts for my mother and sister, both of whom have May birthdays.  There’s not much to say but it feels good just being with her again. 

We head to the market and since it’s her territory (in more ways than one), she’s guiding me through the crowd.  I don’t have to worry about seeming to know where I’m going so I can observe the confident way she moves through the crowds and appreciate the way she walks. 

She wants to know what my sister and mother would like.  I have no idea, of course, but something “Ukrainian” is a good place to start.  She’s looking at scarves in various stalls.  Clearly, she’s experienced at this and it is sort of fascinating to watch, though I don’t want to spend my whole life shopping!  She examines each item in great detail, finding “defects” I can often barely see.

We find several options, and as we go from one stall to the next she asks the vendor to keep the item, she’ll be back in 15-20 minutes.  We never did go back to an earlier one, though, we found both in the last stall we looked at. 

As I pull out my cash, she insists that these gifts are from her and absolutely will not let me pay.  Given what I know about the average salary around here and the cost of these gifts, I wonder if I am living one of those trip reports where the lady keeps proving things about herself.

[myrddin]

I need some more souvenirs, and I remember the books I saw before.  Since I can’t yet read Russian and neither can the people I’m getting these for, it’s tough to find something that’s not too expensive.  But there is the department store-like place; this time we head to the basement.  A good friend of mine is a Marine and we have always been interested in martial arts, so we look at that section.  I’m not sure exactly what Lady C thinks about this, but she doesn’t ever roll her eyes or lose interest.

I get the feeling, though, that a trip to the bookstore could be dangerous for the two of us - individually we could both spend a lot of time there, together people would likely start sending search parties.  I have many interests so I sometimes wander through various sections. Her manner is a bit different.

With Lady C, we settle in by the appropriate section and look through every single volume.  I usually don’t do that....  One looks very promising, but she sees the price on the back and shakes her head, putting the thing away even as she shows me the price and asks if it’s too much (and she’s right, of course).  Finally I find a couple, one is actually supposed to be based on a KGB manual.

There are of course, many other things to look at.  She wants to look at the foreign language section to show me some of the things she’s read.  We share some of our favorite classics in English and she endures my recital of Rudyard Kipling’s “If”, which I have been reading every single day for the past several weeks, along with the preface to Thoreau’s Walden.  My renditions don’t seem to drive her off.

[myrddin]

Hours later we exit and we are both hungry.  She takes me to the Potato House, where she carefully selects each part of the meal.  When it finally comes, there are mushrooms and she makes them re-do it.  I’m watching her a lot, and observing the crowd.  Again, there’s no need to fill every moment with speech.  There is no rush because there’s no other place we’d rather be.

The soundtrack in this place is a curious mixture.  I think at one point I hear something in Russian to the tune of Dean Martin’s “Sway”, enough that I have to play it for her.  She likes the song, but doesn’t seem to understand what I’m talking about, or possibly thinks my musical ear is impaired (I waited through most of the song first, and if it wasn’t to the tune of “Sway”, it definitely “sampled”!).  I’m not sure when the term “cover song” will show up in my Russian vocabulary...probably not soon.

When we leave we are walking through town casually, she doesn’t let a chance to take my arm go by.  We pass some of her students in the street, and a Pushkin statue, and the town hall.  We pass a school where some of the children’s art is in the window.  It’s astonishing to see what some kids as young as 6 are doing.  She forces me to pose for some pictures at some of those places.  Why anyone would want pictures of me I can't fathom, but at least the camera doesn't break!

Later she stops me at a monument to the children lost in the Holodomyr.

It’s solemn, but I am watching her.  It’s not that we don’t learn about this stuff in the US, but it’s almost glossed over.  Here it’s impossible not to feel something.

[myrddin]

We walk quietly for a time.  She asks me about if I like to go to art galleries.  As I’m saying something about the Art Gallery in Chicago, she interrupts to explain that she means: would I like to go to a gallery right now.  I think it’s possible I might have made that mistake if she spoke perfect English!

The art gallery is a small place, the currenty exhibit is about the 1930’s and I only know a few of the artists, but it is fascinating. And there are some other things there.  Including miniature statues of Conan made by a local strategic gaming club (!).  These things are amazing.

If I lived here I’d probably be a member of that club. 

[myrddin]

The person running the gallery must like Lady C (it can’t be me ) and takes us in back to see some of the secret stash.  There are medals from several wars and several religious statuettes that belong in major museums.  I don’t know if I’m just lucky to see all this or if it’s all over the place in the FSU.  I get a few pictures here.  Not knowing how to use the camera will actually become a plus: I accidentally took some video and I’d later discover I’d recorded her voice.

[myrddin]

We make our way through town again, stopping for a contest sort of like American Idol for kids.  The boy on stage might be 12, and he’s already better than many bands’ lead singers.

I’ve been aware that my back was starting this dull ache for hours.  I’ve tried to ignore it and stretch it out, but it is getting worse.  As we’re walking, I finally have to give in and mention it.  I’ve got aspirin back at the apartment, but that’s pretty far.  So I have to go to a pharmacy. She leads me there with a determined stride.

It’s not expensive and I’ll end up with a cool bottle with Russian labels, but I feel foolish for not taking it with me from the apartment.  Lady C insists I take it on the spot and makes the pharmacist get me some water.  It’s “with gas” (I don’t like it and I never will!) but it gets the job done.

Apparently she wants tea, though she makes this known by asking me if I want it.  It’s just barely possible I am learning to read her signals, just a bit.

When we enter this tiny place, where the tables are small and the chairs are made for below average height adults (not kids).  But I can sit and let the aspirin work.  I change my mind about tea for hot chocolate.  It takes long enough that I ask if it’s coming and Lady C insists she ordered it.  I’m not sure why it takes so long until it comes: it’s in this miniscule cup but you can actually see it’s richness ten feet away.  It is in fact very hot so I have to be careful.  This stuff is thicker than syrup, thicker than chocolate mousse and almost as good.  The lady doesn’t want any but even the 2 ounces or so I have is plenty.  As my normal chocolate consumption has been known to sometimes affect cocoa futures, this is almost shocking.

Things are going great again, she’s showing me pictures on her cell phone of her friends and family, and her cat.  She has me write out my family members’ names and birthdays for her.

There are several other people here, including one table of three people, two girls and one guy.  I can’t help but keep looking over there, because something about the dynamic is very familiar.  I think one or two of them are speaking German, then someone’s speaking Russian.  When I can’t keep quiet, I finally try to explain what I think is going on to Lady C.  It looks like a guy at a meeting with a terp, like we were just a few days ago.  With dictionaries and gestures, and almost giving up a couple times, she finally understands my interpretation.  She laughs and says no, they’re just friends.

But something very interesting happens.  Even though neither of our vocabularies have increased (well, not mine, anyway), there is a quantum leap in our ability to communicate.  Not that it was bad before, but there is definitely a tangible change.  It is an absolutely amazing thing to share with someone.  It could not have happened if I was fluent in Russian or she in English, nor if either of us had no clue in the other’s language. 

[myrddin]

She wants me to meet a friend of hers, who happens to be an interpreter who works for an agency.  We’ve got plenty of time before she is due, though, so we leave and head back through the park. 

It’s relaxing and pleasant, not crowded but there are several people around.  She stops to just watch a parade of five children marching around the rim of a fountain.  I tried to get the picture sequence, but only ended up with two.

[myrddin]

On our way back through the park we pass a caricature artist.  There is a crowd here, shouting encouragements and jokes.  Either the people are generally more friendly to strangers than I’m used to, or Lady C (who is not averse to any physical contact now) just has this way of making people feel comfortable.

We wait in front of the theater for her friend (of the same name, maybe I’ll call her C2). Her friend knows a guy in Green Bay.  I actually had to ask at one point if that was her boyfriend (duh), so maybe my perception isn’t improving.  Though I don’t think she actually said her friend’s friend was male before that.  Those two met when C2 was working for an agency in Kiev.

Her friend will be described as a “little monkey” because she ends up being quite late.  I’m told not to relay the monkey comment.

As we are standing around people watching, two families (who apparently didn’t know each other) are watching their youngest members play.  The boy can’t be more than 3, the girl maybe 4 or 5.  They were all there feeding the birds.  The little boy would chase the pigeons, who did not want to fly away because of the food, and when he stopped the girl would run up to him and pull his hat down.  Then he’d chase the birds towards her and she’d run away yelling with glee.

It’s a cute scene, but I’m mostly watching Lady C.  It seems hard to miss: she would be an absolutely fantastic mother.  I can see her joy and share it.

It is starting to get dark.  This is my last sunset in Mari.

Taz calls.  He is on the road on the way back from Crimea, and I’m not even terribly jealous about it now.  Unfortunately, his phone card is almost depleted and he won’t be back till late at night, so I need to get a new one for him before the places close (and tomorrow is a holiday Saturday, so who knows what will be open).  I’m just thrilled to be able to help, though as it gets dark I see a number of stores have already closed.

Lady C2 arrives.  Early on she asks me about American football, which I hardly expected.  But it makes sense if her boyfriend’s from Green Bay.  I promise to beat him up if we ever meet (Packers fans.... ), but they either think I’m joking or don’t believe me.  

The ladies are hungry and Lady C goes into the first cafe we visited to order pizza (she’ll insist on trying to get me bacon and I’m desperately trying to make her understand that appreciating “variety” does not mean I hated it before!).  It will take about 25 minutes, so we begin to hunt for phone cards.  I think 5 placces were all closed and I’m starting to worry.  It’s a fairly simple request Taz made and we don’t have enough string for a cup phone.... 

Finally we get to a kiosk just before it’s going to close.  I’m not sure why it takes so long to explain what I want, but I’m not going to interrupt.  Apparently, they don’t have any 50 hryvnia cards.  Three ladies are apologizing to me about this while I just get two 25s, which is probably better anyway.

Next we head to the grocery store, which actually is crowded.  I must be hungry, too, because I’ll get way too much but hey, the dessert she chose wasn’t chocolate so I have little choice!  The pizza is ready just when we get back (more than 25 minutes, so estimates of such things are about as good as I’m used to in America!), and we head back to my apartment. 

[myrddin]

Soon after we reach it, I’ve been exiled from own kitchen.  Since I am only “allowed” to get the drinks ready, there’s nothing to do but wait.  Somewhere in America, some “feminist” is screaming that I’m not supposed to enjoy this sort of thing, but I gotta be honest: it feels pretty d*mned good.

We’re sitting there eating dinner and talking and having a generally good time.  Futurama comes on (so much for omens).

As the show ends, the power goes out.  My first thought at this is “oh yeah, that was supposed to happen sometime!”.  As I am looking for light sources, I also think “if only I had some candles!”  The soft LED glow of the iPod and the laptop aren’t quite the same.

The ladies do talk to each other some, and I don’t get translations of everything (one more reason to learn Russian!).  At one point I’m told that Lady C was surprised I chose my camera “so quickly”.  Actually, both are.  I think I can hide my astonishment at this, since we spent an hour and a half all told, but she says 20 minutes (I guess referring only to the last store).  I’m being chastised for not shopping “correctly”.  I’m fairly certain the difference in approaches is more the W than the U, though.  I have a threshold for shopping that sometimes comes up suddenly and I either just leave or grab the next acceptable thing and head out.  Plus, when I get my primary camera, I will have done my research before I walk into the store.  But I’m not going to discusss that now, it’s just one interesting thing to note about Ukrainian ladies’ shopping style.

Alas, soon it actually is getting late.  Before my companions leave, they tell me of a tradition where if you meet two people with the same name you stand between them and make a wish.  It seems like there should be a lot of wishes being made, since I think I’ve only encountered maybe 10 different female names in this country!  I don’t really believe in any superstition, but I am not about to question anything that lands me between two gorgeous young ladies. 

In that moment, I did make a pure wish, without caveat or distraction: Nothing in the world is more important to me than that Lady C know the greatest happiness in her life.  Whether I am any part of it or not.