Epidemic of Cold Feet

[Gator]

Two men have recently reported in this forum cases of where their RW fiancée got cold feet and called off the engagement in the 11th hour.

Not knowing which thread to place this, I start a separate thread.  Plus, I do not like any appearance of criticizing a man when he is down, especially when we do not know all the details. 

Besides these two recent cases of "cold feet," over the years others have been reported at RWD and other RW forums.  It is not as uncommon a disease as one may think, and I believe it may increase.

My diagnosis is that it is partly cold feet, but more the man assuming more into the relationship than actually exists.  The women's feet were never "hot."  This is apparent in several relationships described at RWD except that the relationship ended before becoming engaged and filing K-1 petitions.

In the past, even if a FSUW were not really into the man, many married anyway because they had no viable alternative locally.  Most presumably married in good faith in the hope for love.  Some won, some did not.

This is changing as life in the FSU is not as difficult as it was a few years ago.  The "unknowns" of moving to a strange land may be too much in the face of the "knowns" of staying where she is.

[Gator]

To support my opinion, I offer two examples where I have been involved directly and know the details. 

Example A -  A RW is committed to leaving her country.  She is courted by a good looking, young and financially secure Western man.  He is likable, yet they have some differences.  She hopes over time that he will change for the better (and he perhaps feels the same).  It gets deeper and deeper: she visits his country, papers are filed, visa granted, final trip air tix purchased, and reception hall booked. 

But wait!  She has always complained to him about certain personality traits to include his being a control freak and overly jealous.   There is more. She comes to the final realization, after much discussion with family and friends, that there would never be happiness because he will not change.  She is afraid of taking the risk, especially considering that she is responsible for children.   She pulls the plug one week before getting on the airplane and starts anew.

Is there another man?  Yes and no.  She has a friend but has always been loyal to her fiancé.  The other man would require starting over, and at best if it worked out with him, she would not leave the country for another year.  Meanwhile, she will get by somehow.  Always has.


Example B - A RW is interested in the possibility of marrying  a foreign man.  She is attracted to one who is smitten by her.  The relationship develops.  Her English is inadequate, so the man uses an interpreter who has several girl-to-girl talks with her as a friend.  The terp says she is ready, so a K-1 fiancé petition is filed.  While she likes this man, she does not love him.  He seems like a good provider, yet she knows nothing about his country.  Fearing the move and realizing that it soon would happen, she backs out one month after the K-1 is filed.

Was there another man?  She receives plenty of attention from RM to include one who she could never love, yet he will buy her a new car.  She can stay with him for a while and hope something better comes along.  However, she would not have to move to another country and depend upon a man she did not love enough to believe in her heart that he would take care of her and her children.

[Misha]

Two men have recently reported in this forum cases of where their RW fiancée got cold feet and called off the engagement in the 11th hour.

This is changing as life in the FSU is not as difficult as it was a few years ago.  The "unknowns" of moving to a strange land may be too much in the face of the "knowns" of staying where she is.

Well, if memory serves me right, in one of the cases the woman found another foreigner in Moscow. It was not a question of marrying a local guy versus marrying a foreigner, it was a question of which foreigner to choose.

[Ooooops]

It was not a question of marrying a local guy versus marrying a foreigner, it was a question of which foreigner to choose.

The one you know better.

[mark2353]

Maybe she though 4yrs was to long and the trips where nice enough to hang on! Then there is the issue of being far from the motherland. the US is far and germany is a few hours if they move to his homeland. Sometimes the though of being away from friends and family in foreign land not your native tongue can be very scary.
I came to the US rather young with my mother who remarried. I saw in her some  of the homesickness post fact. So I have more experience in this area than I want.
Combo of all the above is possible!! So lets make it short(meeting to marriage period) and to the point!!
Mark

[BC]

Dating is like fishing.  The 'hooked' fish almost always loses in the end.

For many, (both men and women) the 'game' counts more than what lands in the pan.

Don't try to reel a fish in too quickly it will likely get away.

Small hooks and very hungry fish aren't good matches and usually lead to gut wrenching results trying to get the hook back.

A minnow that got away is a whale at the bar.

If a fish jumps in your lap, you throw it back and it again jumps back in your lap you got yourself a real 'keeper'.

[Shadow]

Two more examples of how things can go south.

Example C
A man meets an RW and they are both smitten. The man starts treating the RW as his fiancee and 'makes her life better'. However he does not go forward with plans to start a K-1 and just makes occasional visits when he has holidays. The RW, unsure if the man still loves her, starts accepting invitations from friends going out and meets another guy.
After some fights (she would never tell directly) the first man decides to file the paperwork. Then the RW has to confess she lost interest.

Example D
A man meets an RW and the love is one-sided only. The woman has no interest, but tries to brush him off politely. The man sees this as 'cultural difference' and sends gifts and money to impress her. After some time she decides to tell him the plain truth, or even makes up a local boyfirend to get rid of him....

[BillyB]

I strongly suspect a RW would leave their man if he wasn't a good lover. She will accept a better lover over one who's got more money, a great guy but is terrible in bed.

I'm not pointing any fingers but some of you guys are probably selfish lovers. You finish in 30 seconds and you're clueless on how to please your partner. If your woman isn't excited to bump, grind and exchange bodily fluids with you, then your relationship may not flourish and she may look elsewhere to take care of her needs. Of course this is wrong. Her commitment to her man should be honored but if she must seek someone else to pursue a complete relationship, mentally and physically, she should break off the current commitment before going out with other men.

A RW would forgive a lot if you were a fantastic lover so don't underestimate the physical part of a relationship. Last longer, get flexible and do multiple positions, figure out what she likes best and give her the big O. Don't always be soft, be a bull in bed. Give her a performance to remember and she may give you lots of scratch marks you can wear with pride. You also might hear "I vant you" more often.

[I/O]

If a fish jumps in your lap, you throw it back and it again jumps back in your lap you got yourself a real 'keeper'.

No, you have a fraud. Can a kangaroo jump higher than a tree? No, because, like a fish, a tree can't jump.

I/O

[Gator]

Shadow,

Exactly what I am talking about.

[Gator]

Billy,

I don't think you saw much of Kiev.   

[LiveFromUkraine]

I strongly suspect a RW would leave their man if he wasn't a good lover. She will accept a better lover over one who's got more money, a great guy but is terrible in bed.

I'm not pointing any fingers but some of you guys are probably selfish lovers. You finish in 30 seconds and you're clueless on how to please your partner. If your woman isn't excited to bump, grind and exchange bodily fluids with you, then your relationship may not flourish and she may look elsewhere to take care of her needs. Of course this is wrong. Her commitment to her man should be honored but if she must seek someone else to pursue a complete relationship, mentally and physically, she should break off the current commitment before going out with other men.

A RW would forgive a lot if you were a fantastic lover so don't underestimate the physical part of a relationship. Last longer, get flexible and do multiple positions, figure out what she likes best and give her the big O. Don't always be soft, be a bull in bed. Give her a performance to remember and she may give you lots of scratch marks you can wear with pride. You also might hear "I vant you" more often.

Billy, you sound a little lonely.  

Of course great sexually chemistry is important in a relationship.  That alone won't keep a relationship going, it will just last longer.  I also think a good RW won't be looking at money alone.  They want a good provider, like anyone would, but it wouldn't be the only reason.

I do agree that the woman should show that she wants to be intimate with you.  If she doesn't than you have a BIG problem.  I don't understand some of the guys that talk about love and then wonder why she doesn't hold his hand or is cold to him intimately.



Thomas

[Ooooops]

I strongly suspect a RW would leave their man if he wasn't a good lover. She will accept a better lover over one who's got more money, a great guy but is terrible in bed.

Are there any options besides poor Casanova and rich impotent?   

[LiveFromUkraine]

Are there any options besides poor Casanova and rich impotent?   

Welcome to international dating oooops.   



Thomas

[Ooooops]

Welcome to international dating oooops.   

I hope I'll never have to do it!      

[Gtex]

Gator:
I imagine you are familiar with the topographical undulations of Kiev.  It seems Billy has probably seen plenty of the "hills and valleys."

[OlgaH]

According to the data (January 2002) of the Institute of the complex social studies of the Russian Academy of Science  the male sexuality takes eighth place in the Russian women's list of the main characteristics of an ideal man.

1. Intellect
2. Physical strength, health
3. Ability to provide his family with a comfortable competence.

Even a sense of humor is placed before sexuality.

I'm not sure, but may be after 6 years the Russian women have reconsidered their views and now orgasm heads the list and rushes to their heads    Who knows... probably some American researchers? 

BTW to be a giving performances bull in bed doesn't mean to be a man who knows how to make a woman happy 

[Faux Pas]

Are there any options besides poor Casanova and rich impotent?   

Most certainly there is. Maybe Billy's sweeping generalizations were misleading but they were also true. Lovers both male and female come in hundreds of varieties IMHO. The most important aspect of affection, quality and frequency of love making is compatibility between the man and woman. I.E. some people enjoy the long extended foreplay and stamina intercourse 7 days a week, others might like the spontaneity of the instantaneous "rabbit" method twice a week. Different strokes for different folks.

[Faux Pas]

According to the data (January 2002) of the Institute of the complex social studies of the Russian Academy of Science  the male sexuality takes eighth place in the Russian women's list of the main characteristics of an ideal man.

1. Intellect
2. Physical strength, health
3. Ability to provide his family with a comfortable competence.

Even a sense of humor is placed before sexuality.

I'm not sure, but may be after 6 years the Russian women have reconsidered their views and now orgasm heads the list and rushes to their heads    Who knows... probably some American researchers? 

BTW to be a giving performances bull in bed doesn't mean to be a man who knows how to make a woman happy 

Hi Olga,

Apparently we were typing at the same time. I was also going to mention that everyone doesn't hold sex in the same importance. Some people consider sex less important, as an example 0-5% of importance in a marriage. Both male and female. Then there are others who consider it in the 90-100% range of importance in a marriage. I'm not too sure these type sentiments have geographical boundaries.


Gator, I have bummed around on several of these forums over the last couple of years and am noticing seemingly more women with the cold feet. Quite often it can be chalked up to the man or at least I have had a propensity to think so even though I don't personally know them. Now I am not so sure. I am only guessing but I have noticed many in this pursuit are seeking much younger women. A difference of 10 years is a much younger woman imho. Many times it's 20 years or more and while the ladies may have been swooning the older man in the past, probably not the case with many now.

I don't know these latest guys either other than reading their threads and don't know the age differences so my observations may not even be pertinent to them. There are many more reasons these type international relationships can fail over local relationships. Perhaps these younger ladies are seeing a much brighter horizon on the romance front at home rather than abroad where some of the older ladies do not? Not giving as much credence to the economical conditions?

[KenC]

I strongly suspect a RW would leave their man if he wasn't a good lover. She will accept a better lover over one who's got more money, a great guy but is terrible in bed.

I'm not pointing any fingers but some of you guys are probably selfish lovers. You finish in 30 seconds and you're clueless on how to please your partner. If your woman isn't excited to bump, grind and exchange bodily fluids with you, then your relationship may not flourish and she may look elsewhere to take care of her needs. Of course this is wrong. Her commitment to her man should be honored but if she must seek someone else to pursue a complete relationship, mentally and physically, she should break off the current commitment before going out with other men.

A RW would forgive a lot if you were a fantastic lover so don't underestimate the physical part of a relationship. Last longer, get flexible and do multiple positions, figure out what she likes best and give her the big O. Don't always be soft, be a bull in bed. Give her a performance to remember and she may give you lots of scratch marks you can wear with pride. You also might hear "I vant you" more often.

OK Dr. Ruth!

Geeze Billy,
I find your post completely bizarre.  Your advice to maintaining a good relationship with a RW is to be the best lay possible? So glad you are not pointing fingers as I would wonder where you came upon the information!  Should not a man try to be the most satisfying lover possible regardless of the nationality of his woman?  Or is this just your cure for long distance relationships?

Very inappropriate post IMO.
KenC

[OlgaH]

Hi Olga,

Apparently we were typing at the same time. I was also going to mention that everyone doesn't hold sex in the same importance. Some people consider sex less important, as an example 0-5% of importance in a marriage. Both male and female. Then there are others who consider it in the 90-100% range of importance in a marriage. I'm not too sure these type sentiments have geographical boundaries.

Faux Pas,

I just simply have posted the data of the scientific studies in answer to BillyB's post  ; and it shows that for Russian women the such motivation as an achievement of harmony in the sexual sphere is not dominating neither before marriage nor after.

[Faux Pas]

Faux Pas,

I just simply have posted the data of the scientific studies in answer to BillyB's post  ; and it shows that for Russian women the such motivation as an achievement of harmony in the sexual sphere is not dominating neither before marriage nor after.

Olga, I do understand and who is to debate data and hard facts?  . I just wanted to point out, one might receive likewise results from the same poll taken in America or Japan as well. Also, I am not as surprised as I use to be, when I would hear from a couple that sex is barely or not important at all in their marriage. It was always a solid requirement in my relationships. It took me a while to understand it's just not that way for everybody.

[BillyB]

Faux Pas,

I just simply have posted the data of the scientific studies in answer to BillyB's post 

Which says what? The obvious. A woman needs air more than a man and needs a provider to put food on the table more than a good lover to survive. Olga, have you ever had the pleasure of an orgasm or is sex just another chore and not important? Sex/physical affection is important. Everybody wants to talk about the importance of finances and a person's character/personality in relation to finding a suitable mate but they fail to mention the need for quality physical affection. Here's a better way than your study to gauge the importance of the need for physical affection. Take a 100 hetrosexual women and ask them if they rather have a good lover or a bad lover and I'm sure every woman would pick a good lover. So yes, good sex with a man is important to hetrosexual women.

I've read studies where men last less than 3 minutes during intercourse. Pitiful. It takes a woman on average more than 3 minutes to get an orgasm. Some or many women never know the feeling. Some here may think my posts are innapropriate but this thread is about getting cold feet and I'm sure a lot of sincere and financially successful men reading this are giving their women cold feet because they can't provide the physical affection their woman needs. Overlook or underestimate the need for quality sex at your own risk. I take pleasing my partner very seriously.

[KenC]

Which says what? The obvious. A woman needs air more than a man and needs a provider to put food on the table more than a good lover to survive. Olga, have you ever had the pleasure of an orgasm or is sex just another chore and not important?

Totally inappropriate question Billy!!!!!!  Is that really any of your damn business?

Sex/physical affection is important. Everybody wants to talk about the importance of finances and a person's character/personality in relation to finding a suitable mate but they fail to mention the need for quality physical affection. Here's a better way than your study to gauge the importance of the need for physical affection. Take a 100 hetrosexual women and ask them if they rather have a good lover or a bad lover and I'm sure every woman would pick a good lover. So yes, good sex with a man is important to hetrosexual women.

I've read studies where men last less than 3 minutes during intercourse. Pitiful. It takes a woman on average more than 3 minutes to get an orgasm. Some or many women never know the feeling

Billy, most members here are beyond middle school where your advice might be needed.


 

Some here may think my posts are innapropriate but this thread is about getting cold feet and I'm sure a lot of sincere and financially successful men reading this are giving their women cold feet because they can't provide the physical affection their woman needs.

And just how did you come to such a bizarre conclusions?   And just what is the correlation between being financially successful and an inadequate lover?  BTW, Billy, you also boast here about your successful business, does that make you an inadequate lover too?

 

Overlook or underestimate the need for quality sex at your own risk. I take pleasing my partner very seriously.

The truly confident men do not find it necessary to boast about their sexual prowess on an anonymous message board!
KenC

[Blues Fairy]

My diagnosis is that it is partly cold feet, but more the man assuming more into the relationship than actually exists.  The women's feet were never "hot." 

It's very easy to assume that a woman's natural state is warm feet and only some defect of character and/or external influence can make them go cold.  "Feet" are an open system and only continuous influx of energy can keep them warm for extended periods of time.  If the man starts taking her commitment for granted and slacks with his investment into creative, positive, continuous communication, she'll quickly feel the diminishing vibe.