What do you think?

[Col HJ]

A warm hello to the ladies of this board, I am new here but not to the "process", I am quite happily engaged to the most wonderful Ukrainian woman. We are incredibly good together but nothing being perfect - I have a thought I would like to share and hear your opinion,if any. My girl has the utmost faith and confidence in our relation, to the point sometimes she tends to forget or ignore the small daily things that I at least find somewhat important - a flirty email,an unprovoked gift,or a telephone call for no reason in the middle of the work day. Again she has (as I do) the greatest confidence in our relationship, but is this typical amongst RW/UW, to ignore the little things as long as the big picture is solid and strong?

[Lily]

Probably it is just her individuality.

I'd like to give more definite reply to you on the matter, but afraid I can't..This thing is a rather individually than nationally specific, IMHO.

[diverboy70]

I also think tis is very individual and depends on her personality. My girl is a very conservative girl and she tells me about all the phonecalls and e-mails she recieves from other guys. We have recently had this discussion about trust. She has a little bit of a problem with my ex-wife, since I have to have some contact with her because of our son. I have told her that we are nothing more than friends, and my ex-wife has even volountered to talk to her if it would be a major problem.  I have told her, that Im going to trust her 100 % until she shows me why i should not.

But i think this issue that is a very common issue with these long-distance relationships. I think trust is of the utmost importance, and it is just up to you how well you know your girl!

[Blues Fairy]

Does she ignore your little gestures of affection, or does she fail to reciprocate with similar gestures?  What's her age? 
Could be just shyness.  I was pretty cross with guys when I was much younger. 

[vwrw]

I think your perception may be distorted. You seem to look through a glace that makes everything connected with your G/F to be larger than it may be in reality. 

Is she aware that the small daily things are of importance to you?   If she does not know, this would be one case. If she knows that the acts of showing attention are desired by you, then she does not give the things to you rather because of great indifference that due to the great confidence.   

[OlgaH]

I remember, when Robert and I were in long distance relationship, how it was wonderful to know that Robert was thinking about me. I woke up with his "Good morning" phone call and I went to bed with his "Good night" phone call. When I opened my e-mail there always was an animated greeting card with his "Have a nice day" among my business correspondence and he called me in my office and we had a chat while I had my "morning office coffee"  He called me when he had his cookies and milk  so I could wish him "sweet dreams". He could call me just to tell "I was thinking of you. How are you?" and I was always glad to hear his voice, and if even I was so busy I always had a minute to answer on his phone call. 

I have always thought that such small daily things as phone calls, even very short phone calls during a day, and greeting cards or messages just with a few words have a big importance in relationship , especially in long distance relationship. These phone calls, cards and messages are a person's attention, thoughts, interest...

Of course if you are absolutely not interested in a person, his (or her) attention can be very annoying, but it is just my opinion and nothing more 

People have different views on different things, including a relationship and relationship building process so we are looking for our "right one", our soulmate who shares our views and thoughts 

[Col HJ]

Thanks to everyone for sharing. And to blues Fairy I am 43 and she is 38, so we are neither children nor pensioners, or far apart in age for that matter. I have occasionally coached her a bit on the "little things" and slowly but slowly I see a change. As I said before we are both super confident in our relation and I believe that leads her to perhaps take me for granted a bit, without realizing she is doing so. And being a very quiet, reserved woman she is certainly not given to excess. Again thanks to all.

[Ooooops]

I have occasionally coached her a bit on the "little things" and slowly but slowly I see a change. ...And being a very quiet, reserved woman she is certainly not given to excess.

First of all, congratulation on your engagement!     Second, I'm not sure how can you "coach" somebody to be more affectionate that their character makes them?..      I personally, never liked "Hallmark" stuff.      And I'm with the man who shares the same views on things.   If I'd met a hopeless romantic then it'd be tough on both of us and, probably, won't last...   

[Col HJ]

Thanks for the congrats Ooooops. Perhaps the word coaching was too non specific of a term. She was married pretty young (21) to a guy that turned out to be just another macho jerk - or at least according to friends I have spoken with. It is pretty obvious now that the guy never loved her, or even knew how to. So she has effectively never experienced any real affection or proper attention from a man, and is in perhaps, unfamiliar territory. Hopeless romantic?  Not a chance, I'm just a very attentive sort - love IS a verb. Now if the busiest work season of my life would quit interfering.............

[AnastassiaAsh]

Well, if you ask me, I don't think it can be a character. Nonsense. It is either disrespect or total ignorance.

And yes, you can "coach" this or any other thing. Working on the relationship is all about that. There are no perfect people and even those couples whose characters are practically the same, still there will appear moments when one is wondering why the other doesn't reciprocate.

Talking and letting each other know is the key.

We all know that when you are in love, especially at the beginning, those little things are like air and we devour them with pleasure and want to give you back our affection ten times more!

Your situation is quite strange. She is not 18 to not know or understand this....

[diverboy70]

Anastasia:

Partially  I agee with you! But on the other hand every person is different, she may just be a flirty personality and that has not to affect her real feelings towards the OP.

But then agian I know that I would have a prolem with a flirty personality. Living far away from each other is hard enough in itself. You really have to put a lot of trust in your girl.

[Turboguy]

I have been accused of being overly supportive at times.  I guess I have to go out of character with this one.

I think women are a lot like iceburgs.  With an iceburg what you see above the water is 10% of the iceburg and 90% is below the surface waiting to destroy the Titanic.   I think when you see any fault, weakness or problem before marriage you are seeing 10% of what you will see when you marry them.

If those romantic little things are missing now you have not seen anything yet.  If those things are important to you then I think you have a very serious problem.   It has been said many times here, that when a RW is into you you will know it.   I have to think she is either not into you or she is just not the romantic person you dream of finding. 

[ScottinCrimea]

Perhaps she is doing little things to show that she loves you that you just don't recognize as such.  She may be wondering why you don't appreciate these efforts.  For example, my wife has never been into such things as love notes and little gifts, but she will baby me in other ways that at first I often perceived as mothering but now I know that they are her ways of showing that she is taking care of me.

[Shadow]

Do not forget that women are some times more practical.
A flirty e-mail ? She would rather hear your voice.
An small gift ? Do you need useless junk you will throw out... or that costs more in sending then its worth.
A call during work ? Man you are supposed to be busy, and she would not want to disturb anything important with smalltalk.

It does not mean she is not in to you, but remember that some 'luxuries' are not natural in the FSU.
If you really need such things for your relationship, then you might be in trouble. If hearing 'I love you' at night in a sexy Russian accent is enough then just forget about the other things....

[groovlstk]

I have been accused of being overly supportive at times.  I guess I have to go out of character with this one.

I think women are a lot like iceburgs.  With an iceburg what you see above the water is 10% of the iceburg and 90% is below the surface waiting to destroy the Titanic.   I think when you see any fault, weakness or problem before marriage you are seeing 10% of what you will see when you marry them.

If those romantic little things are missing now you have not seen anything yet.  If those things are important to you then I think you have a very serious problem.   It has been said many times here, that when a RW is into you you will know it.   I have to think she is either not into you or she is just not the romantic person you dream of finding. 

TG, we'll make an OMB out of you yet 

[Col HJ]

Another big thanks to all, this board is ALIVE! I appreciate the iceberg analogy, and this is definitely the case with my girl .......but on the positive side. My lady is a very reserved,demure type and pretty guarded with her feelings so I would never expect her to behave as a smitten young girl. And with the scars that a turd of a husband will leave on any woman she has been very cautious with me. But as time and trust built, the wall started coming down and with every visit to her now she shows me a little more of her beautiful heart. And possessing at least a little of the ESP that all FSU women seem to have, she KNEW when I was about to pop the question and you NEVER saw a happier woman. I also should have been more specific from the start, but there is a huge difference in the attention I get from her when I am staying in her house as opposed to being 9,000 kilometers away in Tejas. She is very busy,running a business, raising a daughter by herself and trying to have a normal life with friends and as I said, her confidence level is 110%.

My kids are calling me for sushi, a wonderful evening to everyone.

[steviej]

But as time and trust built, the wall started coming down and with every visit to her now she shows me a little more of her beautiful heart.

Hello Col HJ. About your statement above, I want to mention: You are already engaged to be married! That is not the time to be feeling you "need time" to get to know each other and to build trust. If you don't feel that, you shouldn't be engaged, IMHO.

[Col HJ]

Perhaps she is doing little things to show that she loves you that you just don't recognize as such.  She may be wondering why you don't appreciate these efforts.  For example, my wife has never been into such things as love notes and little gifts, but she will baby me in other ways that at first I often perceived as mothering but now I know that they are her ways of showing that she is taking care of me.

 I somehow managed to read right past this the first time, 'spose I'm not used to such a number of responses.

You may have called this dead on Scott, you've certainly made me think.....All the times she has chased me out of the kitchen to prepare a special something,VERY early mornings and late nights at the airport without a complaint, making me take a nap when I didn't realize how bad I needed it, and taking very good care of me when a particularly vicious respiratory bug sidelined me for a day or two. Yeah I think you nailed it,too many AW have clouded my judgment for what is real.

steviej - Although unintentional I think I overemphasized the importance of these "little things" in my original post, I was more curious than concerned to see if anyone had a thought on this,or similar experience. Given this I certainly appreciate your response and concern. I have known this wonderful woman for over two years and believe me the trust is built. Our relationship has already weathered it's share of trying moments and we have grown stronger with each event.

[Ooooops]

So she has effectively never experienced any real affection or proper attention from a man, and is in perhaps, unfamiliar territory.

That's not exactly what I meant....    I know lots of women who go nuts about cute kittens, or baby showers, or wedding rings etc.   I can care less for either one.      Women are not all born fuzzy-wazzy-kissy-touchy, just like men.      May be your fiancee is just too shy to show her feelings or may be it's just not her style?..

[Ooooops]

Well, if you ask me, I don't think it can be a character. Nonsense. It is either disrespect or total ignorance.   And yes, you can "coach" this or any other thing.

BS, pardon my French.       You can't.   Or rather yes, you can, but it will be just an act and not a real gesture.    Do you really want the fake?   

[Ooooops]

Do not forget that women are some times more practical.
A flirty e-mail ? She would rather hear your voice.
An small gift ? Do you need useless junk you will throw out... or that costs more in sending then its worth.
A call during work ? Man you are supposed to be busy, and she would not want to disturb anything important with smalltalk.

Here is the voice of wisdom!   

[Col HJ]

   May be your fiancee is just too shy to show her feelings or may be it's just not her style?..

 Shy - without a doubt, which, amongst a zillion other reasons is why we compliment and moderate each other so well. I often get a coy smile instead of a yes,no or go to he!!. But there is never any doubt.

Not her style - I am starting to see the light.

Okay I am becoming a textbook SRM,surfing the net,watching show time and sweating the small shi# when I should be sleeping. thanks and Good night

[Ooooops]

Not her style - I am starting to see the light.

Don't listen to me either - only your girl is able to explain what is right for her.   

PS.  Is it her on your avatar?   

[Col HJ]

Nah just a random face available when I created my account. I wuz gonna PM a photo to you but I couldn't get the "insert image" feature to behave properly.

[steviej]

Women are not all born fuzzy-wazzy-kissy-touchy, ...

But Oooops is !!!