Tales from the Shadows...

[Shadow]

As my old trip reports (nothing special) were lost, I have decided to dig a bit in my memory and tell some of the highlights of my international dating.

Part I  - First time dating RW, in New York.

I have been registered at a dating site for a long time. One of the first (though not the first) people I was writing to was a woman from Odessa. However she was not living there, she had moved to New York. At the time I knew absolutely nothing about RW and the pitfalls, and was just writing to what I thought was a standard kind of AW, though born in Russia/Ukraine.
Living in New York, she was working as a fashion store and studying to be a programmer. While the USA was something I would not be against to live, she was longing to see her family again, and to live in Europe, closer to her home land.
One thing she had probably not expected was my habit of deciding my holidays and destination at the last moment. There for she was shocked to say the least that I informed her I would be in NY in one week, for a 5-day stay. As seeing her was included, but not the main idea of destination,  I had no problems with the fact that she could not take free from work.
However.... after arrival I noticed the phone message only the next day. Calling her a guy took up the phone, who did not neem to talk English. She told later it was her family. The meeting next day, she did not show up. Called to my hotel that she had to work late...
Finally on the last night we met. She was a typical UW, thin and dressed simply but classy. The interesting thing was that she had reserved under a different name as I knew her (she had used her Patronym only thus far). Her story was that the name was of her 'bastard ex'.
The dinner was nice, and we exchaned some stories. the next day I tried to check the place where she worked, but nobody in sight.
And after I landed the call made it already clear. She met someone else, so she said....
I did not feel I lost much, as we were kind of different meeting in real life. Also it seemed she had way too many secrets, which was probably why she would rather have met in Europe.
When remembering New York, the view of the evening sky from Ellis Island and the Museum of National History are the things that come to mind first. The city is spectacular when the night starts to fall, that was my favourite time of day. The dinner and the woman were forgotten, only when the FSU adventures started she came back to mind.

next will be Part II - a usual mistake, and a different FSU woman...

[KenC]

Shadow,
Very interesting so far.  Thanks for sharing.  Care to put a date on when all this happened?
Only a Euro would come to America to meet a RW!  TFF!
KenC

[Shadow]

Shadow,
Very interesting so far.  Thanks for sharing.  Care to put a date on when all this happened?
Only a Euro would come to America to meet a RW!  TFF!
KenC

This was in October 1999, and I used a nice picture for the Milennium New Year card..

[Kuna]

 

Bring it on Shadow...  I'll be interested to read about your experiences.  Please though, don't drag it out like a few recent ones that feel like they'll never end.

 

[myrddin]

Hey, it's easy if you do it one sentence at a time!   

I assume your talking about a couple members who I won't name but whose initials are Taz and Swisskid,  Surely I would not be included in that group.  Don't worry it only feels like an eternity. 

In all seriousness, though, if our trips did not go as well as they did there would be more time for trip reports.  Which is a good thing, so I hope Shadow takes all the time he needs!

[Kuna]

Hey, it's easy if you do it one sentence at a time!   

I assume your talking about a couple members who I won't name but whose initials are Taz and Swisskid,  Surely I would not be included in that group.  Don't worry it only feels like an eternity. 

In all seriousness, though, if our trips did not go as well as they did there would be more time for trip reports.  Which is a good thing, so I hope Shadow takes all the time he needs!

Go read mine - then make your excuses...   

Seriously though, we're privileged to read others TR's, but I'll admit I lost interest in the "trio-TR" a while ago... not every TR can be an epic, nor should every one become one.

I know how hard it is, I also know it's not THAT hard, even when you've had a successful trip. 

Still...  let's not get off topic in Shadows retrospective TR.

[Shadow]

Part II - prologue

A long time before I had a penpal through the same site. While we were writing more or less regularly, and had a good connection it was without any real intentions. She lived in Argentina, far away. But it was always fun to exchange things about our lives without any pressure.
While born in Argentina, she was a mix of Croatian and Italian blood. Once a talent in tennis (and earing some cash as teacher), she has visited the USA. But her dream was to become a well-known writer and to live in Europe. And in 2001 she decided to follow her dream and, sponsoered by her parents, moved to Croatia. There she met a number of friends, and lived trying to finish her novel.
We agreed that I should visit Croatia some time and meet her after a long time writing. However then all letters stopped for a long time.
It turned out that she had to return to Argentina, not only because the crisis there had touched her fathers business, but also because she had tried to commit suicide. I decided to give her support, and made a promise that if by the next summer she would still not have manged to return to Europe, I would meet her in Argentina.

[Gator]

Shadow,

This is certainly different and interesting:   Ukrainian woman in NYC, Croatian woman in Argentina, ...   

I should have expected it because the Dutch are famous for their international acumen.

[Shadow]

Part II - the trip

June 2002 she was still in Argentina, as many of us will probably remember the crisis that took away a lot of money from the people there.
I kept my promise to visit her, and decided it would be a shame to travel so far and not see something of the country.
There for I made a trip of being 2 days in Buenos Aires, then flying to her town, and from there making a round trip.
As I let her make the room reservations (smart trick ) I was happy to learn she booked a double room.

The adventure started in Buenos Aires. The evening of the first day, I came back to the hotel and found my wallet missing. As it had been hot, and I had been relaxing on a bench in a shopping mall, removing my coat, until today I can not tell if it had been stolen or just dropped out of the pocket. there was not a lot of money in it, as I am used to spread things around. I lost about $100, but more important my passport and drivers license. A tour to the police (luckily someone understood English), followed up by a visit the next day to the Embassy.
I had been smart enough to keep a copy of my passport in my suitcase, which made it easy to issue a new passport.
My flight had to be rescheduled, but as it was the same day it did not spoil the rest of the schedule.
Her town was a typical South American small city. The ones you see in movies. One of the few hotels there had a nice room where I stayed.
The next day it was off to a trip around the country. I can say that for anyone I would recommend to see Argentina.
The trip lead from the North to South. Some of the highlights : The highest railroad in the world, where they have oxygen bottles in each cart, and at the end station you are at 3000M, feeling the lack of oxygen when you walk even slowly up stairs.
Ushuaia, the 'end of the world' where I had forgotten it was winter in our summer, so had to quickly buy a pair of winter shoes and a sweater.  But the Husky sleigh ride made up for that. And not to forget the glacier Perito Moreno, where we witnessed a huge block of ice falling down in to the water. The bus had to wait about 15 minutes for us, as others were already inside. But the sight was incredible to see live.
With all the spectacular sights, our relationship had not been forgotten. It had started off very well, and at the end it was hard to say goodbye. When home, it was clear we both wanted to continue and would try to live in Holland. But there was a problem.
At the time I had just sold my house, and was living with my sister until the new house would be ready. That would take some time, and it would not be possible to have another guest for my sister.
As a result we decided that she would come once my house was ready. And that is when I made a mistake.

Next: Part II - intermission and the end

[mark2353]

Shadow,
I glad you liked argentina, I was born there and understand right away you have to be careful. I have not been there in years, it has some nice places. Knowing the people I am afraid of what happen next?
mark

[Ooooops]

Ushuaia, the 'end of the world'

On our trip above Polar Circle in Canada we've met an Argentinian bicyclist from Ushuaia.   He has a goal of biking from coast to coast of Americas in 2 years.   Great guy!

And leaving your wallet out of your site wasn't wise...   

[Shadow]

Part II  intermission and the end

After returning to home, my head was in the clouds, but I also knew I could not proceed directly. That was when I made an error of judgement, one that you see all to often here as well. My provider instincts took over and I promised that I would take care of her needs until my house would be ready. As she had no steady job, I decided to provide additional income for her. There were some extras, a birthday present and a new bed for her apartment, but that was all. And I was happy to help someone who might be my future wife.

But first....
During this time, right before my trip to Argentina, I got a letter from a Polish woman. She had a good job in Poland, and was interested in Dutch culture and life. While I wrote back, I kept a lot of reserve. And then was very surprised that she was comng to visit Holland in October 2002, to her friends but also wanted to meet me. I was in doubt what to do, as I was not interested. but I decided to take her on a day tour to Breda and the Polish Cemeteary that she had been talking about. She was a nice girl, maybe a bit shy in her manners but attractive. Had there not been someone in Argentina, I would certainly have been more interested.
After this day, we continued to write. And in May 2003 she was again 'in the neighbourhood'. We spent a day on the beach and in the dunes, talking about many things. But once again I kept my reserve. A week later I received a mail from her. She sensed that something was not right, and asked me why I would not to kiss or even touch her. I answered her honestly, that while I liked her there was someone that was occupying my heart, and I could only offer a warm friendship. Of course I never heard from her again.

Shortly after this incident, my house was ready. I was going to spen just a month on finishing the interior, furniture I had in storage.
I mailed that all was progressing, and we should make plans for her visiting me. But she just had gotten a job on a cruise ship, at least that is what she told, and that meant she would be out of touch until September.
September came, and the house was finished. But no letters. I was getting worried, trying to check the news if something had happened. I was almost ready to try and find her parents, when the letter came.
I had noticed she was usually surrounded by the gay community, and while experimenting she had fallen in love with a woman. It was not the first time for her, in fact I was the odd one out.
Of course I was heartbroken, but at the same time I had learned some lessons. The first one was not to let your provider instinct take over. By making her life comfortable, I actually gave her the chance to go out more and meet others. Secondly, not to count on anyone unless you can spend a lot of face time together. Building on dreams for a year on ten days together is a recipe for disaster.
And finally, find a partner that can show the same devotion and restraint as yourself. While I had turned down my chances for adventure  (not just the Polish one), she had less trouble experimenting. Obviously we were on different levels.

A guy less rational might at this point have blown his top and started accusations of scamming. Instead I forgave her, and stayed in touch. She has never asked me for money again, and while the contact has grown less, we still wish each other happy birthday. The friendship survived our short time of love.
I never regretted sending her money, even when we broke up. I did it because I wanted to, and I never sent more than was possible for me to burn.

But we are in October 2003, and I was single again. The first three months I was not interested in women, needing to shake the bad feelings off. But when 2004 came, I reactivated my profiles to see if I could find someone new.

next, Part III  FSU ? Do women live there ?

[Jumper]

thanks for sharing shadow,, very interesting experiences!

[Shadow]

Part III  FSU.

It is May 2004, and I just received a response on my profile. And its from Ukraine. FSUW did not have the best reputation, in fact the famous gold digger stories are the first that spring to mind. However I am never afraid to start a conversation.
I remembered from a vacation with my parent to Bulgaria a long time ago that there were nice girls, and that the FSU was not as bad a place as people how never visited might think.
Within a short time it was already clear there was a real person on the other side of the mail. But I still wanted to know more about the pitfalls. By searching on the internet, I met a number of forums. I registered at the one that seemed alive, and had some interesting stories and discussions going. The first month, all I did was reading information and taking it in like a sponge. And I found some of the information kind of doubtful. Or at least, to my own experience. The woman I was writing to had a computer at home, was registered on an international dating site, had a mobile phone and used chat programs. At this time nothing shocking, but in 2004 a woman having a computer at home was seen as a red flag. Times change.
I was interested enough to book a trip to Kiev for meeting her. But being a bit more wise, I booked a four-day trip, and aranged my own accomodations, although I did ask her opinion about the office and apartment to be sure.

I enjoyed the trip of Kiev, the interesting buildings and walking around the city. Some things a foreigner must see are the Pechersk Lavra, the St Michaels Church, and if you are not against a good walk the Outdoor Museum.
But already after one day it was clear that though we hit it off well in talking, there was no romance. I invited her to sit down in a cafe, and over a drink we had a serious conversation. Although she at first did not want to talk about the subject, on my observations she agreed and told that another guy had just visited and stolen her hart. After this conversation, our friendship was stronger and she pointed me at some women who looked at me with interest, asking if she should get their phone number for me.
Once home we stayed in touch, and it turned out that the guy she liked was a player with a girl in every city where he went for business. As friend we started to send each other profiles, she looked at women while I looked at the prifles of guys who wrote her.
As a result of being active on forums, and with some support from a local, I decided to direct my interest towards the FSU.
In October 2004, I asked my Kiev friend to suggest me profiles from a site where we both joined, and from there I wrote those who appealed to me (also some that she decided to skip).

From the ones that answered I started writing regularly with four, and one was writing with much less regular letters.
My friend in Kiev found another guy writing to her, and while not perfect they are still close.

On to part IV... Russia.

[Shadow]

Part IV  Russia.

I was writing 5 women when we last left off. I would have planned a visit near the end of 2004, but life is seldom according to plan.

But first I had to decide whom to meet. Fifth placed woman was writing in Italian, but het letters were sporadic and did not show real interest. Nr 4 did have interest, but it came more from her side then from mine. Nr 3 was really interested, but she had the habit of pointing to how bad her life was, how little she earned and what else she could not pay. That was enough to cancel my interest.
Nr 2 was for some time even nr 1, but she went to Germany on a trip for the company she worked for. while we had spoken about a possibility to meet, I missed the dates. Of course it was my foult for not remembering after one time mentioning.
There for the first I decided to meet lived in Moscow. She had one proclaimed she loved me in a letter, but I told to keep that on hold until meeting. And yes, she had a computer and internet at home.

My mother had been diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2000, and since then my father had been taking care of her to keep quality in her life as long as possibe. But due to his age he got trouble walking, and they had to move to an apartment for elderly people, where some care was near.  This postponed the plans, however in the end of January I had the time to plan a trip for half of March.
Then destiny struck. My fathers health deteriorated quickly, and doctors found a cancer in him, but also his heart was very weak. With the doctors being undecided between operating (with high risk) or waiting to first improve the condition, my fathers heart gave up.
It was three weeks before my trip, and I did not have a visa yet (which normally takes two days).
The trip still went ahead, that is if I could get visa in time. I went to the Consulate with a letter to go with the application explaining why I was late. The long line was exchanging between travel agents and regular people. And the travel agents did a job of speeding up the application by checking the application forms. The letter was taken out, the rest of the form was no problem.
As it happened that day there was a situation where the Consulate only processed urgent visa requests. A sign from beyond ? Who knows.

I landed in a cold Moscow, and the driver to the hotel was waiting for me. I called, and she agreed to meet me for dinner near the subway station. As I had about one hour, I decided to walk. Bad move...subway stations in Moscow are further apart as in London or Paris. Still I arrived with plenty of time. But while observing the women, I did not find anyone who seemed to be looking for me.
A call to er mobile phone solved the riddle...she was waiting on the platform. We talked by phone, me directing her to my location while trying to get a vantage point that we would not miss each other. Then I saw a woman talking in to her cellphone. We waved, hung up and met.
The trip went very well. The next day I met her friends for go to a winter festival. I preferred meeting with the friends above tourist attractions, and we had a great time, even if they spoke just a little English. The last evening was dinner with her parents, and I saw a couple that reminded me of my own parents in togetherness.
The experience in total was summed up when my mother asked me after return how it went. I told that while I might be less infatuated as I had been in the past, there was more love that I felt ever before.

Part V - second trip

[SANDRO43]

Fifth placed woman was writing in Italian, but het letters were sporadic and did not show real interest.

And you replied in Dutch ? That might explain it .

[Shadow]

And you replied in Dutch ? That might explain it .

I replied in Italian. Dutch are multilingual by nature, and when I was 5 years old I spoke enough Italian to order some things in a shop and talk to the waiters in our hotel.  Since then my knowledge was extended, although I would not say I am fluent.

[SANDRO43]

I replied in Italian. Dutch are multilingual by nature, and when I was 5 years old I spoke enough Italian to order some things in a shop and talk to the waiters in our hotel.  Since then my knowledge was extended, although I would not say I am fluent.

E bravo il nostro miope cagnolino olandese !

[Shadow]

Part V - second trip

The first trip had been enough ground to become exclusive. The others were informed, and efforts would concentrate.
As I did not want to repeat the old mistake, a second trip was planned in May 2005, and it would be deciding if we would plan a visa application. But to make sure I already prepared some parts of it.
We spent a week together, where I would stay with her 24/7 to see if we were compatible as we thought. It went by like a day, and we were both convinced that we should continue our efforts. This meant that we went in to the visa application process.
And the visa went without any problem, contrary to expectations.
That meant that on September 12, 2005 I was no longer living single.

Since then a lot has happened, but apart from neither of us ever regretted the move, there is not a lot to mention, at least not in pubic.

Still I want to put some things...

At midnight December 12, 2005 I asked Mila to marry me, and she agreed.
Five days later, my mother died, knowing that her task to take care of her son was taken over.
But before the wedding could take place, we had to wait for a lot of red tape.
There was red tape in Russia, where her parents had to finish a re-application for their jobs, and a foreign married daughter could be a negative. And there was some red tape here in Holland.

In our time together we had one time that might considered a fight, even if it was not a big one.

But in 10 days, on July 28, 2008 we are expecting to be married.

[BC]

Shadow,

che sarà, sarà.. I like that approach.

The best to you both!

[Zmejka]

Shadow, it was interesting to read, we're 9 months behind you:)
How many guests did you invite for your wedding? Where will it take place? How did Mila order her wedding dress - or will she have one? And the most important question - will you share wedding photos here?

[Shadow]

Shadow, it was interesting to read, we're 9 months behind you:)
How many guests did you invite for your wedding? Where will it take place? How did Mila order her wedding dress - or will she have one? And the most important question - will you share wedding photos here?

Hi Zmejka, I know that you guys are not far apart.. Actually our wedding will be in your city (Zoetermeer) as they had earlier room as our.
It is not going to be a huge party, we will keep that for another time. Just some dinner with a few close friends and family members at Poseidon (if you know the place, if not..get to know it).
And yes, expect some pictures to pop up here.

[Zhena]

  Congratulations Shadow.  We will look for the pics.

[Muj]

  Congratulations Shadow.

[Shadow]

Yesterday the application as junior member of the OMB club was filed.

The pictures are small, when we receive the originals from the photographer I will look for bigger ones.