My girl has arrived

[DKMM]

Hello all!

My O is here now and we are still in our first week.  This has been the most frustrating and wonderful experience of my life!  Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be this happy and other times I wonder how I'm going to handle all of the challenges that this brings.

BTW, she is here as a student (and my girlfriend) and starts school in a couple weeks.  Meanwhile I took off a couple weeks from work to settle her in.  We are keeping a marriage in the back of our mind, I figure we will know by the end of the year.  Its not 100% ideal way to do this, but its ten times better than trying to get engaged from across the world and taking multiple trips to see her.  I am also lucky that she was in the right position in life (academically, age wise etc.) to continue her studies here.

Some thoughts:
1) You don't really know what its going to be like until she comes and lives in your home.  Trips to go see her are only so helpful as to personality issues.

2) The wise words of jb haunt me and comfort me.

3) At first I had patience for most anything but now I'm starting to curtail some of her excesses (but they are minor so far).

4) I planned a lot for us to do, but she seems to just want to spend more time at home.

5) I have about 40 bottles of something in my bathroom that were not there a week ago.

6) She finds the most ordinary things fascinating (like dogs riding in cars with their heads out) and some amazing things as no big deal.

Well i'm still busy so got to go.

[ConnerVT]

Ah!  The fun begins!  

3) At first I had patience for most anything but now I'm starting to curtail some of her excesses (but they are minor so far).

You are her guide in a new country, and a new situation.  Don't be afraid to point out the bad along with the good.  You will need to find a happy middle ground where you both will be happy.

4) I planned a lot for us to do, but she seems to just want to spend more time at home.

Not unusual.  That will change as she becomes more comfortable with her surrounding.  First she needs to become comfortable with her new home.  Everyone needs a place to come home to.

5) I have about 40 bottles of something in my bathroom that were not there a week ago.

Men's bathrooms and women's bathrooms are totaly different places.  They shouldn't even share a common name.  

6) She finds the most ordinary things fascinating (like dogs riding in cars with their heads out) and some amazing things as no big deal.

Let me tell you about the time I was riding back to SVO, and near the airport I saw this very well dressed elderly couple driving an old, red Lada.  Nothing unusual about that, except that they had a goat in the back seat...

[steviej]

Congrats DKMM !! Ohhh .... now all the REAL Russian fun begins!    (actually I'm assuming your girl is either Russian or Ukrainian).

...  Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be this happy ...

After 5 1/2 yrs, I still feel that way. For some reason, the exquisiteness of the AM/FSUW relations seems to persist   

... but now I'm starting to curtail some of her excesses (but they are minor so far) ...

Of course, reality imposes some boundaries, but I'm still curtailing excesses and loving it !!    Be the man and manage the money, etc,, but otherwise don't be afraid to indulge her.

... I have about 40 bottles of something in my bathroom that were not there a week ago ...

It's just the beginning ... 90% of the closest and bathroom space in our house now belongs to the wife !

Congrats, and good luck !!

[Shadow]

Congratulations DKMM and be prepared to spend time with her. You will not regret it. 

[ScottinCrimea]

Now comes the driving lessons!  And yes, you will regret this time spent with her.  :hairraising:

[DKMM]

OMG the driving lessons!  They were just supposed to be a quick trip around the Costco parking lot, but ended up continuing on into some country back roads.  She didn't understand some of my instructions in English so that was the hardest part.  I quickly tried to explain the curve ahead sign showing 15mph which she took at nearly 35... we slid a bit around the corner (and this was in the pitch black night) but she kept it on the road barely.

Every day just keeps getting better.  We spend all our time together because I planned 2.5 weeks off of work thanks to the advice I read on here.  Its 100% true, if I was working now it would be a bad situation.

[KenC]

DKMM.

Let the fun begin!

Best of luck, dude.
KenC

[Jumper]

DKMM - cool to see she made it!

as far as time off, plan that 2 1/5 weeks is just a primer..

I would  try and schedule in as many days off thru  your regular weeks as you possibly can..

while i did,and changed my whole work schedule that 6 months/ year ... looking  back (20/20 hindsight)
i should have planned that out even  better and taken more time off/ spaced it better.

[DKMM]

Now I know what you OMB's have been talking about!  It a complete challenge to break her into my world and how we do things here.  The driving lessons are scary but so far no arguments because I came into this with expectations thanks to RWD.  I have to let some things slide at first but other things I insist on being done correctly around the house.  It feels like we will need 6 months minimum to really get things going smoothly.  She has the right attitude and she's smart so its doable.  We are taking a little mini vacation now for a week so I hope that helps!  This is crazy!

[KenC]

DKMM,
The mini vacation will be fun and will give you both a little break from the day to day.  Hey, she has to get acclimated to your style of vacationing too!   How difficult or easy this is depends largely on your girl's personality.  The stronger the personality the more difficult it will be.  In the beginning they all are like sponges and absorb everything thrown at them.  The difficulties come a little later in the game.

The man assumes the "teacher" role as the RW takes the "student" role which temporarily puts the man in a position of power.  A strong woman resents this dominance no matter how kind the methods used by the "teacher."  The tricky part comes when the "student" becomes knowledgable in certain areas and still needs to learn others.  Sometimes it is difficult to dial back the teaching mode.  When you reach this point expect more than a few very indignant "I know that!"  Accompanied with a look that is sure to make you feel like an idiot.  It becomes a slippery slope juggling the roles of teacher, friend, lover and relationship equal.

Good luck.
KenC

[ScottinCrimea]

When I moved to Ukraine I was essentially in the same position as a RW who comes to the US.  Basically everything I had learned had to be rethought.  Even simple things such as shopping, doing laundry, banking, etc. was completely different.  It was difficult going from a knowledgeable, self sufficient man to a "child" overnight.  This certainly gave me much sympathy for what my wife went through when she came to the US.  It's difficult to find the line between teaching and being condescending, avoiding bruising the ego of a person who, if she didn't have a strong character, would never have left her country.

It is important that, in those cases when it reallydoesn't matter, you allow her do do things "her" way, even if it is not how you are accustomed to having it done.

[Gator]

My O is here now

Congratulations!  You proceeded slowly and recognized mismatches before proceeding too far.  The student visa is an excellent vehicle for continuing your relationship.

Do you think you will be able to return to work?

[BillyB]

Best of luck DKMM. Best put your hand on that parking brake and use when necessary when teaching her how to drive so you could live to come back and finish your story. I met my first wife who was Ukrainian in the States. She lived her 6 months before I met her but I still had to teach her a lot. It was more fun than fustration. I guess it depends if a guy has the patience for it or not.

[DKMM]

I don't know how you guys with girls here have time to post much.  This has been the best and most challenging time of my life.  One thing is for sure, I'm a lucky guy!!

[Turboguy]

Congratulations DKMM,   I think the K-1 process would be far more successful if more were able to do it the way you are without the pressures of time constraints and with the time to just enjoy and learn about each other.   Of course it would be nice if there really was a Santa Claus as well so we have to live with what we have. 

I think your comment about RWD was right on.   There is so much we can learn here that is so helpful that I don't know how someone makes it without a resource like this.

I am sure her driving will create some real challenges for you but think how lucky you are that she can drive already.   Most of us start from scratch and you don't have to worry about the really hard part.

I can relate to what you said about the best and most challenging time of your life.  I can't say in my case it was all that challenging but there were challenges and the best part you talk about doesn't wear out in a month or so.  It is really an amazing and wonderful experience that goes on and on.

[DKMM]

*whew I finally got a breather.  I must say again, that without RWD I'd be lost by now and probably well on the way to failure (again).  I'm so lucky to read what other guys went through so I can not be caught off guard.

It got harder in much the way Ken described.  She has her way of doing things and is getting tired of me teaching her how to do things.  That is combined with pride and it almost feels like she doesn't respect my opinion sometimes.

One big thing I've noticed is she hates me telling her how to do something and acts like she will not do it, but then I'll catch her doing it exactly as I told her later.  I just point out what she needs to do differently and I don't ask for acknowledgement or if she understands and that seems to work better even if it means she doesn't always get it right.  Driving is another matter, she says I need to be more strict with her driving skills but I have no experience teaching someone to drive.  If we stay in the proper lanes and go more or less the right speed I don't really care.

I'm also quite lucky that she really loves my parents and they are latching on to her like their own child.  Already they are making plans to do things while I go back to work this week.  Ahh, going back to work seems like it will be harder now. 

I also see how guys talked about it being hard not to spoil her.  I couldn't resist when we went to victoria's secret you know?  Here I have a girl with a body that is the same as the mannequins in the store and she's got that kid in a candy store look... hell yeah I want to get her some things there, its like a dream world I live in now.  But for every dollar I spend on her clothes she wants me to spend more on my own clothes to turn into that "perfect man." 

Last night she said she is worried because life has never been this good for her and she's expecting something bad must happen to balance out our current happiness.  Maybe that will come but for now I'm loving the new life.  RW are totally the way to go.

[KenC]

DKMM,
There are times to be prudent and conservative, shopping with your gal at Vickies, is not one of them!  Spoil away!!  Hopefully what goes around, comes around.

You're doing just great Grasshopper! 
KenC

[groovlstk]

Last night she said she is worried because life has never been this good for her and she's expecting something bad must happen to balance out our current happiness.  Maybe that will come but for now I'm loving the new life.  RW are totally the way to go.

Get used to it, if your girl is anything like my wife you'll have to calm her on this issue at least once per week 

[DKMM]

Tonight I made the mistake of offering to show her how to clean things.  She said she will ask me if she wants to know how to do anything from now on, not to show her.  And she went on and on about how she won't be my dream slave girl.  Strange, this was the same girl who said she will care for me and my house while I work all day.  So far, she has done zero to clean the place (unlike me who always cleans up) although she's not letting me down in other domestic areas.  Help on how to more gently broach the subject or just wait till she's does ask??

[kievstar]

My advice she will clean the house when she feels fit to clean it.  How old is your girl?  Reason I ask is there is a difference I have noticed with women under 28-30 compared to women over 30-32?  Younger women more and more are becoming more westernized. 

[KenC]

Tonight I made the mistake of offering to show her how to clean things.  She said she will ask me if she wants to know how to do anything from now on, not to show her.  And she went on and on about how she won't be my dream slave girl.  Strange, this was the same girl who said she will care for me and my house while I work all day.  So far, she has done zero to clean the place (unlike me who always cleans up) although she's not letting me down in other domestic areas.  Help on how to more gently broach the subject or just wait till she's does ask??

DKMM,
OK, it is a deal.  I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out.  Only been working on tis one for 10 years and still do not have any answers. :hairraising:
KenC

[Fashionista]

Driving is another matter, she says I need to be more strict with her driving skills but I have no experience teaching someone to drive.  If we stay in the proper lanes and go more or less the right speed I don't really care.

Hire a professional instructor if you guys can afford it.  This will save you both a lot of stress and ego blows.  Worked great for us.  Otherwise, hang in there and good luck

[Gator]

So far, she has done zero to clean the place (unlike me who always cleans up) ...Help on how to more gently broach the subject or just wait till she's does ask??

I am not a neat freak, yet I am neater than my wife.  My wife will clean the living areas just prior to guests arriving. 

So if that is an indicator, invite your friends over frequently, particularly Russian friends.  My wife makes a better effort when Russians come over.

Other than when having guests, it is messy; I am afraid to look under the bed.  My cleaning lady complained of too much stuff on the counters, floors, etc. so she does not come around as much as when I was single.

I would be in the same boat as KenC except that I bribe her two children to do the cleaning.  Loving money, they eagerly solicit new jobs and are joining the ranks of conspicuous consumers (the boy purchased a PSP).

[groovlstk]

So far, she has done zero to clean the place (unlike me who always cleans up) although she's not letting me down in other domestic areas.  Help on how to more gently broach the subject or just wait till she's does ask??

DKMM, just my experience, but in my wife's first 3 weeks or so in the US I did almost all the cleaning and cooking. Once the fog of displacement wore off and she was at ease doing things for herself, things balanced out.

[BillyB]

So far, she has done zero to clean the place (unlike me who always cleans up) although she's not letting me down in other domestic areas.  Help on how to more gently broach the subject or just wait till she's does ask??

No two people are the same when it comes to cleanliness. Be a little flexible but if you two are too far apart in this area, then don't clean so much on your end and see if she picks up the slack. If you find she doesn't, then have a talk with her about being a team player and the roles you two will play in the relationship. If you let things slide too long, you could be spoiling her and she'd get accustomed to that lifestyle of doing nothing around the house. You'd be the one working 8 hours a day at work, then working 8 hours a day at home and if you're lucky and not too tired, working 8 hours a day in bed.