Wow.. I want to thank everyone for the great advice. Sorry I wasn't here to read it as it was being written. Everything everyone said is right, and wrong. Haha,, how is that for a "Sculptoism" for ya?!?!
ok, here we go.. this is going to be long and some of you are going to react heavily.. for what its worth, as all this took place I kept saying to myself.. "what would the board say" so, you guys really helped get this right in a lot of ways.. so.. i hope the read is enjoyable whether you agree with the outcome or not..
So, after I posted I spent the next two days walking around Moscow "asking directions". Met a ton of gorgeous and nice ladies.. had a few too many coffees and gathered a lot of phone numbers. Point for anyone considering coming to Moscow.. EVERYONE speaks some English and is happy to help a "lost foreigner". I think this city might be the easiest in the world to approach a stranger, especially a woman, on the street. Greatest opening in the world! And, considering that Russian women seem to have no clue how to read a map, the opening segues into an easy.. "well, lets get a chai and maybe you can help me find the Tretyakov"
At the end of the second day I get an SMS from "A" saying she is coing over with my passport and to talk. I had not spoken to her and only sent her a message to remind her she had my passport.
She arrives dressed to the hilt.. never looked so good since I met her, very short skirt (she never wears them) and the fishnets I bought her the day we went to Ashan and a very tight lowcut revealing top. I already know this is going to take some serious will power. She has a bottle of Vodka too and two packs of smokes. I know this is not going to be a short conversation.
I am going to write back and forth in narrative as my memory of events allows.. please bear with the writing style..
her first question to me "why you let me go?"
'Because you are a bitch, I did not come half way around the world to be treated like sheet'
Silence.
"Drink with me Ereek, I need drink and I try explain you"
' ok,what we toast?'
"I toast you"
we drink, vodka, straight up, chase with a squeeze of lime..
"Ereek I sorry. I really afraid go in USA. I talk with woman in Tomsk and she tell me it bad there, husband change all when she arrive, he bad with her and she say never she will go in USA again. I afraid it will be same with you"
"A" that is BULLCACA!" Go to hell! All I do for you in last five months is be sweet with you, help you with all you ask, and give you all respect a good woman should have. And now i come here and you sing a song of ONE WOMAN you know that had a bad experience? Why you want to kill me?'
"but it not only that one woman, I read on internet..."
I interupt. 'what you read on internet? some sad story from some stupid people? You want to know the real story? I showed you before about Nina Reiser.. that is the real story.. crazy man kills beautiful russian wife because she "effed" their friend. That man was sick, not normal, why you have to find only bad stories.. why you cant find the good stories too of many thousands of people who got married and have happy life?'
"ok you right, but still I scared and I can not stop to be scared. I do this to you to see how you will be when angry and now I see all and you can to yell at me and maybe to hit me"
'A' that is stupid also. What happens if you put the cat on the corner? Nice sweet cat will scratch your eye to get out of the corner, no?'
"yes"
'why you put me in corner? I don't need this. You act like a child'
"I am young, why you want be with young stupid drunk girl?" (she pours another shot and we toast without comment"
The conversation goes on like this till the bottle is finished at about 1 am. at about 12 her friend "M" calls and asks to talk to me. "M" tells me "A" has been crying since she left my apartment. "M" tells me "A" knows she made big mistake and is "bitch" and she doesn't know what to do. "M" asks me to just talk to her and see if it is not too late.
Anyway, "A" leaves about 1 am in the taxi. That was the 8th. Nice Day of the Woman huh? We had planned a little engagement party for the 9th, friends were coming in from Tomsk on the train. "A" asked me if we can still have the party. I said if she wants to have her friends over to drink in the apartment it will be ok with me, but, maybe I will go out if I do not feel comfortable.
on the 9th she calls about 1 pm and says she will be over about three with the first of her friends. Would I mind to prepare a little food.. ok, sure I don't mind.. so, here is an interesting point.. you all know I am a kitchen designer, cabinet maker, sculptor.. anyway.. one thing any good kitchen designer must be able to do and do well is prepare food.. gourmand is the appropriate word.. I decide to go all out and I lay out a spread... now I just want to rub it in her face a little, just a taste of a part of me she had not seen before and that she would be losing, especially since she would not let me cook before.
The look on her face when she arrived and saw that table... man I wish you guys could have seen it.. it was one of those looks that people get when they know they messed up and they really want to get back what they lost. Freakin priceless! Sorry I don't have a photo of the spread.. but.. let me say this.. the checkout clerk at the Petrovsky market across the street gave me a look like.. that is gonna be some party you are throwing.. (on a day of parties) amazing what 100 bucks and a bit of creativity can do to a table..
So, her friend turns out to be a prison guard at the gulag! Very attractive woman, very very siberian, almost alaskan eskimo looking.. the three of us eat.. the friend is asking me a lot of very serious questions.. I realize what the heck is going on.. especially after what "A" had told me the night before.. its an interview for approval. Only problem is at the moment I am defintely not back together with "A". But, I will go along with "keeping appearances" for the evening and see what happens. A few hours later "M" arrives with one other friend, "Y", who is a little down because crisis has hit her hard and she dumped her long term BF the day before on Womens Day. *note, interesting dynamic similiarity with valentines day breakups in the US*
OK, so now it is me and four very hot women and a beautiful table full of food and a LOT of alcohol. They all say to me.. Ereek, you really want drink wtih us? We crazy! Priahu! Yeah ladies, pour the drinks.. and so the party begins...
Five hours later... Miss eskimo is the first to pass out.. "Y" breaks down in tears and leaves the room.. "M" is found passed out in the bathtub... "A" says to her.. "Ereek need pee." "M" replies.. "it ok, I not shy" HAHAHA..
We get them all in bed. "A" says.. "now you see how am I with my friends, it really what you want"
'You finished drinking "A"? There still more vodka'
"You not can drink more than me, you will to be sick"
'You think? You think I am old and can not drink with you? Why you so stupid girl?'
We drink.. in the end.. she falls asleep with her head in my lap on the couch... my secret.. three green grapes with every shot and a glass of water every other shot.. freakin magic.. I wasnt even buzzed after nearly 10 hours of continuous drinking.. and please remmber my friends.. I am a green bud smoker.. I NEVER drink at home...
I think we woke up on the 11th. lol.. I am joking.. we did at some point wake up on the 10th, ate something, got her friends out the door, and right back to bed.
On the 11th we had another visitor from Tomsk. This one more serious... a spy sent by her older sister. "A" clearly did not like this woman. She did not speak any English so "A" had to interpret and I got one hell of a serious interview. I expected her to ask next, how big is your member and how often will you perform?! She asked just about every other detailed and personal question... early on the 12th "A" got a call from her sister saying "Ereek is good man, do not be stupid girl"
OK, so now two things happened that really made things clear. One, was the continuation of the conversation started the other night, and, more seriously I came down with a flu. I drank them under the table but the smoking got to me. Five people smoking in a small kitchen with one little window open... yeah yeah I know.. y'all aint my Mom...
anyway.. I haven't had a flu since 2001. I am not a good patient either. But, I have to say that whatever she did wrong the week before, she made up for and then some when I was sick, not only because the treatment was fantastic, but, apparently she was just as sick and never showed a sign of it until 36 hours later when my fever finally broke and she basically collapsed. Anyway, I got wrapped in blankets, hot water poured on feet for hours, constantly fed tea and water and juice, fed whatever I wanted, little vodka shots with cayenne pepper mixed in (btw that really did the trick on the headaches and clearing out the sinuses). Anyway, bottom line is I have NEVER had such good treatment during an illness. She went over the top, constantly calling her Mother to ask advice about this or that remedy. I mean constant updates and "mothering". I almost didn't want to get better.
During that time when I was feeling ok we continued the conversation.
"Ereek, it easy for me to find man for sex, but, I problem girl, I really difficult, I like have fun and drink, Priahu! and no man ever want it.. all men "F" me and leave me alone.. it very hard me believe you not same.. why you want young drunk stupid girl?"
'you are extremeist?'
"YES!!!"
'you are bitch!?'
"YES!!!"
'look at me and ask yourself, why old goat artist, world traveller, who can "f" young women anywhere in world wants you'
"I not know, I not understand, you "F" my brain"
'exactly'
"Shto?"
'we are same, only thing that is different is I am older and not so stupid as you'
"Shto?"
'no, its not true, I am more stupid because I want you'
"Ereek, now you "F" my brain, why you do that?"
'why you treat me as caca when I fist arrive?'
"I want see you when angry, when not happy, when nothing right, when all is wrong, how you will to treat me"
'and you want to ask why I "F" your brain?'
"shto?"
'you are smart.. stop being stupid'
silence.
"A" I want sex now. I am here more than a week and you treat me like dog in front of apartment building.. give me a little food and kick me.. if you are my woman do it now.. show me I did not waste my time to come here, all your friends like me, I pass all tests.. now, you pass my test.. '
"wait I go in shower".......
several hours later at about 3 am...
I realize that she is as sick as me (and just rocked my world) .. and will not let me give her the same treatments she gave me, "leave me in quiet I know what do" I spent the next two days writing a 24 page prenup detailing pretty much every aspect of my expectations from a marriage.
I found it really strange to write such a document. I never thought I would do such a thing. But, then again, you all can surmise the Jews and the Law thing.. I didn't have to go to law school... to be able to do it.. might be in the genes.. ulimately the document is really fair.. I addressed one by one all of her concerns about the potential for being abused/battered/ with child/ sent back to Russia with nothing/ kept locked up in house/ not allowed to have her own friends/ not allowed to be young/ etc etc etc ad infinitum. I am sure there will be a few modifications and clarifications, we have already discussed about half of the over one thousand points in the document. Getting it typed up so we can take it to the translation service first thing in the morning is my other purpose of coming to the internet tonight.
I did not give her the ring. She has seen it but it aint on her finger. (I did let her wear it for show on the 9th) She is going to have to "come and get it" though I might fold on that point in the morning depending on what she makes for breakfast.. if you get my meaning..
She did give me the ring she got for me, she begged me to take it, and I am wearing it.
So, what I have is a young wild girl who is also halfway stuck in between a very traditional siberian/armenian upbringing and being a "girls gone wild" superstar. She is going to make me crazy, and angry, and she will also fill me with joy and happiness.
Her last words to me today before she went to take care of business and I to the Inet cafe..
"I ready to give you all, to open all to you, please not to "f" my brain, please not to be lie all you said to me, never before I believe anyone and I not know if I can to do it but I will to try"
Age, maturity, readiness to leave her country, the seriousness of her fathers health problem, plain old fashioned doubt about the boy, conflict with her career goals, and I think that completes the list.. btw.. someone mentioned pms.. probably TMI but "red days" definitely contributed to her bitch factor the first week and get this, the connving biatch admitted to actually making me change the travel dates to coincide when she would be on "Red Days" and my god she has more rules on that topic than I ever knew existed.. she is either really uptight about it or American women are just pigs in a way I never thought about before...
I am a fool... but you know what.. when she is good man she is really good.. and my taste is not vanilla... i have eaten the fruit of the tree of knowledge right from the hand of eve and when miss "A" is having a good day... there is no fruit on this earth any sweeter.. its not always easy... but.. its worth it...
So, yes, all of you are right about everything you said. She is a gigantic pain in my arse.. but she is MY pain in my ARSE. I know that seems insane to a lot of you... but so does most of what I do in my life.. in your replies please remember that I am the firespinning half bald pot smoking mushroom eating freak from San Francisco with flaming homo friends having naked mass gay weddings. (I do not exagerate) ((BTW.. when the topic of gay SF came up on march 9th.. the response was "COOL!" especially in reference to gey marriage)
Two words and I am almost outa here...
Soul Mates
I am not exactly sure how this applies but this song has been stuck in my head since I started typing.. from the great Frank Zappa.. thank god he is dead cuz it would make poor Frank really sick to see what we have become.. I might have posted this lyric before.. nevertheless.. and for those who might be offended at heresy and blasphemey.. please do not read...
Whoever we are
Wherever were from
We shoulda noticed by now
Our behavior is dumb
And if our chances
Expect to improve
Its gonna take a lot more
Than tryin to remove
The other race
Or the other whatever
From the face
Of the planet altogether
They call it the earth
Which is a dumb kinda name
But they named it right
cause we behave the same...
We are dumb all over
Dumb all over,
Yes we are
Dumb all over,
Near n far
Dumb all over,
Black n white
People, we is not wrapped tight
Nurds on the left
Nurds on the right
Religous fanatics
On the air every night
Sayin the bible
Tells the story
Makes the details
Sound real gory
bout what to do
If the geeks over there
Dont believe in the book
We got over here
You cant run a race
Without no feet
n pretty soon
There wont be no street
For dummies to jog on
Or doggies to dog on
Religous fanatics
Can make it be all gone
(I mean it wont blow up
n disappear
Itll just look ugly
For a thousand years...)
You cant run a country
By a book of religion
Not by a heap
Or a lump or a smidgeon
Of foolish rules
Of ancient date
Designed to make
You all feel great
While you fold, spindle
And mutilate
Those unbelievers
From a neighboring state
To arms! to arms!
Hooray! thats great
Two legs aint bad
Unless theres a crate
They ship the parts
To mama in
For souvenirs: two ears (get down!)
Not his, not hers, (but what the hey? )
The good book says:
(it gotta be that way!)
But their book says:
Revenge the crusades...
With whips n chains
n hand grenades...
Two arms? two arms?
Have another and another
Our God says:
There aint no other!
Our God says
Its all okay!
Our God says
This is the way!
It says in the book:
Burn n destroy...
n repent, n redeem
n revenge, n deploy
n rumble thee forth
To the land of the unbelieving scum on the other side
cause they dont go for whats in the book
n that makes em bad
So verily we must choppeth them up
And stompeth them down
Or rent a nice french bomb
To poof them out of existance
While leaving their real estate just where we need it
To use again
For temples in which to praise our god
(cause he can really take care of business!)
And when his humble tv servant
With humble white hair
And humble glasses
And a nice brown suit
And maybe a blond wife who takes phone calls
Tells us our God says
Its okay to do this stuff
Then we gotta do it,
cause if we dont do it,
We aint gwine up to hebbin!
(depending on which book youre using at the
Time...cant use theirs... it dont work
...its all lies...gotta use mine...)
Aint that right?
Thats what they say
Every night...
Every day...
Hey, we cant really be dumb
If were just following gods orders
Hey, lets get serious...
God knows what hes doin
He wrote this book here
An the book says:
He made us all to be just like him,
So...
If were dumb...
Then God is dumb...
(an maybe even a little ugly on the side)
