Ways my wife can meet new friends (especially RW) after arrival in America

[groovlstk]

My recommendation is let her seek out her own friends and see what happens. If trouble happens it would have happened anyway.


Maxx

Exactly. If she's unhappy or using you, trying to control her behavior won't change anything, you're screwed regardless - just depends where, how, and to what degree.

[Aloe]

i wouldn't be too happy introducing hot girlfriends to my husband  i don't doubt him, but why dangle steak in front of lions eyes?

[dispozo]

My wife found some Ukrainian and Russian people while taking English lesson at a community education center. We live is a very small city and I was surprised at the number of Ukrainian and Russians living in the area. Even if your wife's english is good it is good place to meet people going through the same things.

Good luck with everything!!!

[Blues Fairy]

i don't doubt him, but why dangle steak in front of lions eyes?

Because the lion is well-fed?.. 

[GoodOlBoy]

In the past I've seen guys recommend that others forbid their wives from making Russian friends (usually on the grounds that it will slow her assimilation, but scratch the surface and I see panicky control freaks nervous about being unable to understand their wives as they talk w/friends,..........

I met one of these "losers" 3 years ago at a party.

My wife was very close friends with his wife.

I had just met this clown and we were sitting in the next room watching TV. My wife was talking to his wife (in Russian of course) in the kitchen.

Then out of the clear blue he turns to me and states: "I know they are talking about me".  

After about 20 minutes or so, he called his wife into the bedroom and forbid her from speaking any more Russian with my Marina?  

When we left their place, driving home, my wife told me everything and I was in shock.

This insecure idiot would also read (translate) her e-mails and then confront her about what she wrote to some of her girlfriends.  :evil:

He completely ruined their relationship with insecurity and jealousy.


GOB


BTW....As soon as she got her GC....gone in 60 seconds from him!!

[Maxx2]

I met one of these "losers" 3 years ago at a party.

BTW....As soon as she got her GC....gone in 60 seconds from him!!

I have run across a number of men like this and with this outcome. One fellow played counter intelligence games with his Russian wife by checking her possessions like her computer, purse and cell phone. All on the sneak. She knew. I got to be so much that she used to leave incriminating evidence of her wanting to join an escort service just to piss him off. Then she left him and went to live with his mother. He suspected that she was trying to cut him out of the will. This would be n easy task as he admitted to me that his mother did not like him. He figured his wife would poison the old lady. He suspected she had been doing to him as he complained of being sick all the time. Who knows perhaps she put Ipecac syrup on his pancakes when they were still together? LOL Last I heard of him was that he had regret that she was no longer around. He said she was the best sex he had and it wasn't likely to get any better with the women that were available to him, not attractive and thirty years older.     

[facetrock]

Lets reverse this. Wouldnt we as men seek out Americans if we moved to the FSU? Wouldnt we crave to hear the English language? Wouldnt we want to talk to someone that understood the culture that we came from? To find a friend from our home country that has been there for a while would be a godsend for me anyway. Just to give me advice in my new country would make me feel better. I dont think there is anything wrong with meeting other FSU people when they come here. To speak to someone in their native language just might keep them sane while they are adjusting.

[ECOCKS]

Big difference between the two situations in your posed question.

First, we go there to live for a short period of time (usually anyway), not a permanent relocation. Additionally, we are not married to a native spouse who knows the area, the culture and is not only aware of our wants but is supposed to be committed to helping us meet those needs.

That makes it a completely different ballgame. Which explains why so few English teachers and short-term assignment businessmen (not to mention tourists) actually learn to speak the local language when living in foreign areas. In a similar fashion, if we stay at the expat hangouts, are assigned a native speaking driver/bodyguard and shop in the gourmet foodstores (English labels), it takes significantly longer and becomes much more difficult to navigate the streets, learn to deal effectively in restaurants, order a taxi and so on.

If you meet a person who is PROHIBITING their spouse from meeting any group of people then they are certainly involved with another problem. Discouraging or not pushing involvement with an FSU community, when not truly needed for adjustment, for a period, is merely increasing their immersion and helping them avoid the crutches from their well-meaning friends.

Pay attention to the priorities.

[facetrock]

No Ed. I meant if we did go to live there permanently. We would be no different than an FSU women or anyone else who did immigrate. We would still seek out people who spoke our language and came from our culture.  To get a better understanding of what they are going through, I am just trying to imagine what if would be like if I had to move permanently to Russia or Ukraine.

[ECOCKS]

No, I wouldn't.

And neither would many of the married expats who live there on an indefinite timeline, although there are a couple of exceptions among them. I know of no one who has changed their citizenship from American (or British) to Ukrainian and only three who profess no desire or expectation of ever returning to their home country at some point in the future. Of those three, who have lived there for up to 14 years, only one of them is part of the expat community.  The other two avoid it. None of these long-term resident expats are considered fluent in Russian and all take a translator when doing critical business or having a government/legal meeting.

[facetrock]

I wouldnt do it either. But if we had to would we seek out other Americans? Hell yes. Now if you can imagine that scenario you can imagine how lonely it is for some women who move here from the FSU. A new world and no one to talk to in your native language. I can see why some women go bonkers.

[ECOCKS]

Doesn't make sense to me face.

Specifically, if I "had to" move to Ukraine with my wife and without any expectation of coming back, EVER, I would NOT seek out an American community for support. I would rely on my wife and my Ukrainian family to get me grounded and build an understanding of how my life was going to be for the remainder of time.

Yes, I would talk on Skype and exchange emails with my US family but my wife and my family would be my local support network, especially when I needed to acquire that critical Russian language skill. Afterwards, if there were any around, I might enjoy the relaxation that comes with sharing a cup of coffee with the group of friends I would expect to build. Would that include Americans? Maybe, but doubtful, given how few Americans, Brits or other native English speakers are in my wife's home town. So,  I would question the odds of finding a "community" of decent people I would care to spend any time with in such a small group.

Which raises the point of whether there is even an organized community one's spouse would care to get involved in. I'm in a metro of approximately 600,000. So far, I've seen one Russian Cafe and there is one Russian Orthodox Church in the valley. Oh, the truck driver who delivered my car was Ukrainian (Krivoy Rog). Of course, he was from Spartanburg, SC and his rig's next stop was in Portland, OR. My wife's comment on the cafe was that she didn't drink beer in Ukraine and would make her own vareniks if she wanted them. Personally, I expect that I will talk her into buying a few kolbasa and pelmeni at next year's Russian Food Festival in the church parking lot.

Too many other options.

[facetrock]

Over time we would adapt, you really would have no choice. But when you first arrived into a different culture, I think it would be somewhat comforting to know another American. Just using this for the sake of arguement and trying to imagine what it must be like for some of the women that come here and have no contact with anyone from their former home. It has to be tough as hell at first.

[KenC]

Strange thing is that Lena avoided contact with people from the fsu upon her arrival.  I never quite understood why.  I know that after some time in Russia, I was starved to read the news and almost attacked a fellow American to read his USA Today paper!

Eventually, Lena did make a circle of Russian/Ukrainain friends met accidently.  I never was so aware of how many people from the fsu are here in America until she arrived. I don't know if it is because I am more aware of Russians now, or that there are many more Russians here now?
KenC

[Ooooops]

i don't doubt him, but why dangle steak in front of lions eyes?

Because the lion is well-fed?.. 

 

[Ooooops]

I can tell you about "seeking others like you" as an expat (10 years and ticking) - we don't seek Americans/Russians on purpose at all.   Actually, our group of friends is very international but mostly other expats, yes.    And I personally do not believe that common language or country of origin is reason good enough to get together and definitely not good enough for becoming friends... 

[ECOCKS]

Exactly.

[Aloe]

i'll tell you all about it.. if you all want.. when i go over to belgium.. not speaking any of the official languages of the country.. how it feels.. will be somewhat like women who go over to the usa, without speaking english, i suppose
actually probably not alike, cuz people speak english in belgium too..

[SANDRO43]

i'll tell you all about it.. if you all want.. when i go over to belgium..

BTW Aloe, don't forget to bring an umbrella with you .

[Shadow]

BTW Aloe, don't forget to bring an umbrella with you .

Just for safety.
Was at the local Zoo today and the only reason to get an umbrela is to fight with a pushy free walking bord.

[Aloe]

what is a bord i hear umbrella is a good weapon against bears!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/3027196.stm

[SANDRO43]

what is a bord

A rare Belgian/Dutch animal . I think our nearsighted friend just misspellt bird.

[Shadow]

what is a bord i hear umbrella is a good weapon against bears!
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/3027196.stm

New keyboard has some letters in odd places ( or I just can not type  )
BTW a bord in Dutch is a plate, you will meet them a lot in Belgium.

[Faux Pas]

Probably 90 degrees off topic but I'll state it anyway. I met an AM in Siberia that had been living there for 5 years. He is married to a friend of my fiancee. This guy was starved for conversation from a fellow American. There were no native english speakers in their circle and he spoke very little russian. He could however read anything russian. He talked my ear off and mentioned over and over how good it was to be able to talk to somebody/anybody for a normal conversation that flowed and didn't include explanation after explanation. There were several including his wife and my fiancee  that spoke some english but according to him, it wasn't even close to the same. He really missed conversing in his own language.

[groovlstk]

This guy was starved for conversation from a fellow American. There were no native english speakers in their circle and he spoke very little russian. He could however read anything russian. He talked my ear off and mentioned over and over how good it was to be able to talk to somebody/anybody for a normal conversation that flowed and didn't include explanation after explanation. There were several including his wife and my fiancee  that spoke some english but according to him, it wasn't even close to the same. He really missed conversing in his own language.

My wife had almost the exact same reaction, after the initial euphoria wore off in a few months she longed to talk to Russian people her own age who understood her jokes, cultural references, and who had dealt or were dealing w/the same sort of homesickness.