How fat is too fat?

[Taz]

It seems that weight/obesity has become a topic for debate. So I thought it would be interesting to post a little poll. At what point does the excess weight of you mate/partner start to have negative effect on the physical attractiveness or desire for your partner. Please be honest. I haven't met a single person yet who has said it has no impact/effect on the perceived desirability of their partner. Please be honest. People often are not as saintly as they like to portray themselves...

Ideal is defined for the sake of this poll as being not being greater than the absolute maximum for the high range for weight based on their age/height/sex or not having a BMI that would consider them as obese.

Consider the question in the context of would you be attracted to your partner at a greater weight if you were to first meet them at higher weight.
Would you consider informing your mate/partner of your decreased libido?
Would you offer any encouragement for them to lose weight?
Have you ever left a partner because you no longer found them physically attractive?
Would it increase your odds of having an affair if you no longer found your partner physically attractive?
If they continued to gain weight to the point it was having health complications what would you do?

[Ooooops]

Honestly?   I never put my hubby on an scale before making love to him.   15 years and still not record keeping.   Obviously you don't have the same, do you, Taz?   

[Faux Pas]

Taz,

One would have to actually experience it to be truthful for the poll. But, hypothetically are you saying too fat for attractiveness to the point of divorce or just for too fat that one is no longer attracted? Where and what is the cut off point. The marriage vows are "for better or worse". To the point that the vows go out the window?

[Taz]

You can't tell me that his physical size has absolute NO IMPACT on his desirability. I have found that almost all women who say that almost always never mean it. There is some point where it is an issue. Physical appearance has some level of importance in almost all relationships. Would women swoon for Brad Pitt if he was 500 lbs? I think not. While men are sometimes more focused on physical appearance than women, women still factor it in before considering mating with a man.

I did an experiment a while ago. I took photos of men and women and through the miracle of photoshop and aged them or had them gain weight. Women and men reacted more negatively to weight gain than apparent aging. In other words, most men or women were more likely to choose a slightly older partner than a slightly "plumper" partner compared to the baseline. Almost everyone choose the younger average weight partner. Whether you like it or not, there is a bias against obesity in society. Would you have still went out with your husband at first if he was 500 lbs? Answer honestly. I like how you sidestep the question or try to turn it back one someone else. Typical RW ploy when they don't want to answer.

Too clarify for FP- too fat to no longer be physically attracted to her. Not saying any divorce or dumping of partner. Just to the point it starts to become a turn-off and impacts libido. As I'd said, I never considered divorcing my wife because of her weight. I was very concerned about her health as it deteriorated due to her weight gain.

Also some further clarification as well. I wanted to change the pounds to % but I can't. A 10 lb weight gain on a woman that is 115 lbs is more significant than a woman that is 165. You don't need a scale necessarily to see the difference. It is pretty easy to size up a woman/man without a scale...

[Sculpto]

Taz.. I think your poll is designed simply to justify your own preference as was your little experiment and therefore I will not click a response.

Love is blind.

[Ooooops]

I have found that almost all women who say that almost always never mean it.

And how did you find that?   

 

[Taz]

Sculpto - do what you want. Take your ball and go home. I don't need any justification for anything. My preference is my preference. Yours is yours. It's your choice and I'm not forcing you to accept my preferences as yours and vice versa. I respect your choices. So don't participate. Nobody is going to force you. The poll is anonymous so nobody will know what you answer. I think it would be interesting to see what the consensus is here even if there is not statistical relevance to the entire population. It will just provide insight to our little microcosm here.

I have always found it interesting what men and women say to others when there is a chance their partner might be listening and what answers they give when they can do it openly and without any chance of retribution. I have been very open about my preferences with all women that I have dated. I think in general women are more tolerant about the obesity issue than men but less tolerant about other issues than men. I have seen women though be more vicious to each other about being overweight than men every were. I've seen women call each other "fat cows" because there were 5% overweight. I still thought the women in question looked good but apparently there were very well aware of each other's excess weight.

[Taz]

And how did you find that?   

 

Because later on I found out what they really thought from other people. Are you so naive to think that people always tell you the truth to your face??? Quite often you learn the truth from other channels. How old are you and you still haven't figured this out yet?

[Sculpto]

Taz.. its not a question of taking my ball and going home.  Its a question of having class and treating people with respect.  You are entitled to your preference and I am not knocking it, but, given the fact that you were overweight, FOR WHATEVER REASON, it would seem you might be a little more sensitive to the topic instead of writing one of the most biased and hurtful pieces of work I have seen in a long time.  But, thanks for giving us a window into your soul. 

[groovlstk]

Taz.. I think your poll is designed simply to justify your own preference as was your little experiment and therefore I will not click a response.

Love is blind.

Scultpo, what is the age difference is between you and your fiancee?

[GoodOlBoy]

The marriage vows are "for better or worse". To the point that the vows go out the window?

The last 6 years of agony that my first wife suffered through before passing is something that I would wish on NOBODY.

And yes she gained weight (until the end).

The thought NEVER crossed my mind to abandon her during this time.

I can't even begin to imagine what our daughter would think of me if I had behaved in such a way.

When I look at my daughter, I see my first wife.

This whole "topic" makes GOB sick.


GOB

[Sculpto]

Scultpo, what is the age difference is between you and your fiancee?

She is a lot younger Groov and she had issues with my weight.. not out of aesthetics but out of concern for my health, and she was right.  I have dropped a lot of weight since last October.. another two or three months and I will be at optimum weight.

[Faux Pas]

The last 6 years of agony that my first wife suffered through before passing is something that I would wish on NOBODY.

And yes she gained weight (until the end).

The thought NEVER crossed my mind to abandon her during this time.

I can't even begin to imagine what our daughter would think of me if I had behaved in such a way.

When I look at my daughter, I see my first wife.

This whole "topic" makes GOB sick.


GOB

GOB, I only mentioned that not to finger point but more for awareness. Many people look completely through that little "eventuality" that enters most marriages. Obviously, 50% as I believe thats what the current divorce rate is. One should look and think long and hard before saying those vows because eventually they will be presented with the "worse" and some more than others.

[Sculpto]

Faux.. you and i may disagree on a lot of things.. but your last post was truly words of wisdom. 

[Taz]

Taz.. its not a question of taking my ball and going home.  Its a question of having class and treating people with respect.  You are entitled to your preference and I am not knocking it, but, given the fact that you were overweight, FOR WHATEVER REASON, it would seem you might be a little more sensitive to the topic instead of writing one of the most biased and hurtful pieces of work I have seen in a long time.  But, thanks for giving us a window into your soul. 

I was more accepting of overweight women before I gained the weight. Very quickly I realized that when women said man's weight wasn't important was total and utter BS. I found that women did discriminate about weight almost as much as men did. They just didn't do it as openly. I saw the difference in how I was treated between before, during and after my illness. When I was big, women treated me differently (worse) than now. Now I am both older and thinner than I was before my weight gain and women react to me better.

Do I go around saying women are big fat pigs, heck no. Do I insult them about their weight? Never. Do I have big women as friends. Yes. Are the type of women I'd want to date. No. So how is that hurtful? There is a huge bias against people that are large. I lived through it. I simply prefer a woman of average size. Those same women who would have nothing to do with me when I was large are now very interested in me now that I am back to normal size. Their hypocrisy is what is most hurtful. I was consistent all my life. I never wanted to date big women. It has been my preference for as long as I can remember. I dated some and realized that most of them were overweight for reasons that would not be good for our relationship. They were couch potatos and didn't want to be active. They didn't want to exercise and be outdoors. While it may seem crass, I had real objective reasons for not wanting to date overweight women. It wasn't purely subjective.

As for a window into my soul it is only your perception.

Talking about these things in the open helps people better understand the issues. People quite often take a high and mighty or holier than thou position in public but then are totally different in their private lives. Few people have the guts to stand up in a public forum and speak their mind for fear of being attacked. I quite vividly remember how CCowboy was attacked when he dared speak out against Mila. I have no reservations about speaking my mind or even playing devil's advocate. Regardless of what you all think, I took good care of my wife. I tried actively to help her lose weight. She regrets that she squandered the opportunity. She often thanked me for my efforts to try and help her lose weight and asked me recently to coach her. I think that matters more to me than anything any of you could say here. She knows how much I cared for her and how willing I have been to help her. That is far more important than any of your opinions about me. Again this thread shouldn't be about me but about a topic that does have relevance to many in their search.

[Taz]

The last 6 years of agony that my first wife suffered through before passing is something that I would wish on NOBODY.

And yes she gained weight (until the end).

The thought NEVER crossed my mind to abandon her during this time.

I can't even begin to imagine what our daughter would think of me if I had behaved in such a way.

When I look at my daughter, I see my first wife.

This whole "topic" makes GOB sick.


GOB

Sorry to hear about your wife. In no posts anywhere did I insinuate, imply or otherwise suggest that someone should leave a woman because she got fact. I never ever considered it. Hopefully you can understand the difference between gaining weight and gaining weight because of gluttony. I am sure some of you are aware of the seven deadly sins. Apparently some of you still don't get it. This is about a conscious decision to not eat properly or to exercise that caused the weight gain. Not something due to an illness. The type of obesity I am talking about is ENTIRELY PREVENTABLE!!! Just like choosing not to smoke for example.

I'd like to add one quick thing. Don't let personality biases interfere in this. I don't care if you love me, despise me, respect me. This is an issue that often comes up in relationships besides sex, religion and money.

[Daveman]

Of course there are other factors than weight alone, but I chose 31-40.  I don't mind a bit if a woman is a little plump, nor would I leave a woman due to weight gain.  That being said, I can't really see myself being attracted to a woman much larger than that to *begin* dating. 

The primary reason is, that I don't think it's healthy for a relationship to try to "change" your partner, even if it is for health reasons, i.e., seeing her for what she could be rather than what she is and either accepting things as they are or moving on.  Too much resentment builds while trying to change someone.

I don't worry too much about who isn't attracted to me or why.  I just flat don't care (maybe that's a little sad? I dunno.. such is the life of an elitist). It's just not worth the effort or mental stress involved because there will always be another who *is* very attracted to me/you/anyone.

Not saying one should not maintain or improve where possible, but I'm more relaxed in life, easy going, and completely confident in exactly who I am... even at a "short" 5'8, and carrying about 15 extra pounds at the moment.  In life I rarely think about that at all.. just during the occasional discussion here provokes some thought.

[Sculpto]

I agree Dave.. in my case.. if my girl was giving me a hard time and I didnt agree.. i wouldnt have acted on it.. but.. I really wanted to lose the weight anyway but I was being lazy.. see SJs post.. she just got me motivated so its all good and frankly I feel alot better than I did

[boaterguy]

My wife has been as light as 110 lbs and as heavy as 150 lbs. My attraction to her never changed. There were only 2 problems with it for me. The biggest one was listening to her complain about her weight all the time when she was on the heavy side. The other was the wardrobe issue as her clothes always have to fit her to a T!

[Missouri-Hunter]

I clicked the 21-30 pound button, but that could change on each person due to their build or current weight. I prefer tiny little women, so like Taz said this might have been better stated as percentages than pounds.
   I don't really understand everyone talking about love, devotion and emotional attachment though, because none of that was in the question. It asked about physical attraction, and that would be the same whether you knew the person or not. The emotional part, though very real, is entirely separate. The emotion simply changes whether you care about the issue, so your attraction is then based on how you feel rather than what you see (ie: the physical).   

[Sculpto]

Hunter..

If we based all our decision on purely physical attraction no one would ever get married.. the ugliest guy it he world is still going to think Angelina is the hottest girl around.. but.. can he have any hope of marrying her?

The ugliest girl in the world is still going to think B. Pitt is super hot.. does she have any chance of marrying him?

People need to be realistic.. some guys might be able to "upgrade" a notch or two out of their league through charm and money.. some women might be able to do the same because of their looks or charm..  but overall.. people get together with people they match.

[Boethius]

deleted

[Missouri-Hunter]

I agree with most of what you two just said, but none of that relates to the question. All it asked was how overweight a wife/woman can be and still cause physical attraction.
  Let me simplify what I'm saying:

The question is "Is she too fat for you?"

Your answers;

I couldn't get her anyway.
I love her.
I didn't marry for looks.

They're creative ways to skirt the question, but they don't answer it.

[Boethius]

Au contraire. 

You just don't understand the answers.

[Taz]

This is not about the relationship dynamics. It is about purely physical attraction. Subtract out the emotions as much as possible and be more analytical. There is a dual standard in the US about weight. It is ok for women to be fat. If so, they have to be considered BBW even if they aren't beautiful. If a man is fat, women typically consider him fat/ugly. This goes counter to what Sculpto is posting to some extent.

With respect to AM, AW have tried to indoctrinate us that we MUST accept them exactly as they are. Fine, then AW should accept AM the way we are. They haven't done that for over 30-40  years. They have tried to emasculate American men. Now that many AM have become what AW said they wanted, the AW no longer want them because they aren't "men" any more.

I am not going to reject a woman solely because she is overweight assuming she isn't incredibly overweight. I will tolerate her being heavier if I am in an established relationship than if I am considering her for a potential first date. Women quite often gain weight while in a relationship and sometimes men do. In the US AW have a bad habit of really letting themselves go after marriage. An ex inlaw went from 130 to 220 pounds after she got married. That man got the shock of his life. While he still loves her (and this pole was not about love) he has no physical desire to be intimate with her. She went from being very hot to not worrying about her appearance. He went from "I can't get enough" to "I can't believe she ate the WHOLE thing!"  Again there is no medical condition causing this, simply gluttony and lack of exercise.