How should I handle this girl?

[TwoBitBandit]

I’m looking for advice.

The situation is this: in early June I went to Nizhny Novgorod on a VMVM trip.  I met nine girls over two weeks.  One girl in particular (let’s call her Inna) really caught my attention, both in my correspondence with her before the trip, and I enjoyed her company during the trip itself.  I spent a total of five evenings with her.  I wrote a trip report about it on “some other” board if anyone is interested.  I am 37 and she is 27.  She’s attractive, intelligent, educated: the type of girl I have always dreamed about.  She’s a little bit introverted and shy.  She’s spent six years of her adult life together with one guy but they split up.  I don’t know the details but I think she was dumped.  I met her on mamba.ru (aka singles.ru and a few others), a Russian-language dating site.  She’d never met a foreigner before and is not listed on any MOB sites.  Despite her introversion, she’s very strong-willed even by the standards of Russian girls.  I speak Russian at an advanced level and all of our correspondence and speaking has been in Russian.

I enjoyed my time with her, and we had a soft easy chemistry.  We have a lot of physical contact: we hold hands everywhere, she sits on my lap sometimes, we kiss a lot.  However, our relationship has not been intimate.

The problem is that she’s a little bit aloof.  When I was with her, she would often go home around 9 pm or so after us having only spent three or four hours together.  I wanted to spend my entire last weekend in Nizhny Novgorod with her, but she chose to spend the day sunbathing with her friends and meet me in the evening.  I really wanted to advance the relationship by spending more time with her, and hopefully meet her family and some of her friends, but it didn’t work out that way.  Yet, our time together was nonetheless enjoyable, and on the last day we spent a long time making out before she left in the taxi.  As she left, I had the feeling like we had the same “pleasant second date” four days in a row and the relationship had not significantly advanced.  I kept gently pushing for more seriousness (like more time together, etc.) but I didn’t want to cross the line into appearing needy.  Some weekday nights she didn’t want to meet me because she was too busy.

I'm sure some of it is her not knowing how to react.  She'd never met a foreigner before, wasn't looking for a foreigner, and probably hadn't really thought it through.  She probably didn't consider it very serious until I actually showed up in her city.

If I return, and she continues to treat the relationship in a casual way, it will just be a wasted trip.  I had hoped that writing would clear up her intent, but it hasn’t so far.  I think she’s started to think more seriously about me, and we exchange a lot of SMS messages.  Sometimes her letters are encouraging, but other times they seem factual and slightly aloof.  Here’s an example from one of the encouraging ones:

Я рассказала самым близким друзьям, что познакомилась с интересным человеком из Америки, что мы  встречались и ты собираешься снова приехать. Мне была интересна их реакция. Изначально, они отнеслись к этому несерьезно, подумали, что это моя очередная безумная идея, и скоро это пройдет. Но дело в том, что как ты уехал, прошло достаточно много времени, а я все еще думаю и говорю о тебе. И вчера, когда мы пили шампанское, моя подруга Оля призналась мне, что ей на самом деле очень не хочется, чтобы я уезжала в том случае если у нас с тобой все получится. Я ей ответила, что не хочу опережать события и строить иллюзии на твои счет, но я приложу максимум усилий со своей стороны, чтобы мы научились понимать друг друга. Мне был приятен еще и тот момент, что сейчас многие мои подруги уже не считают, что это мое мимолетное увлечение и стали воспринимать мое решение серьезно.

I feel like that to solve the issue of her aloofness, I need to rack of a lot of face time with her.  Yet, the first opportunity she has to take a solid week off won’t be until November because she has recently started a new job.  I don’t really want to wait until November to meet her again: a lot could happen between now and then.

She has stated that I could come and visit her next month.  The plan would be that I’d fly in on a Friday night, we’d spend the weekend together, she’d spend the next three days working.  Then we’d go to St. Petersburg with her (she could get two days off) and spend the rest of our time there.  The trip to St. Pete’s is her idea, not mine.

I think the difficulty of all this for me and the issue in front of me doesn’t really register in her dizzy-young-blonde head.  My impression is she doesn’t understand my hesitation to come again, and I didn’t understand why she was aloof when I was there.  So, it’s almost as if we just don’t trust one another enough, each waiting for the other to take the brave next step.  That’s the optimistic case, though: the pessimistic case is that she’ll continue to be aloof while I’m there, make dumb excuses about why she can’t spend certain blocks of time with her, and use me as a convenient way to fund her trip to St. Pete.

My inclination at the moment is to write a letter delicately explaining my position, why I thought she was aloof, what my fear in this is and that I’m looking for something serious.   I also want to delicately but clearly set the expectation that I want to meet her family and perhaps some of her friends.  If we can come to an understanding about that and my disclosure of feelings is met by an equal disclosure on her side, perhaps I will make the trip even though it will set me back $5K and a valuable week of time while I spend three days wandering around in the city when she is at work making four dollars an hour.

What would you do?  And what advice to you have for this poor TwoBitBandit bloke who is coming a little bit unglued thinking about this all the time?

[GoodOlBoy]

I’m looking for advice.

TBB, my advice is like an assh*le (everybody has one), BUT...Here goes:

She’s spent six years of her adult life together with one guy but they split up. I don’t know the details but I think she was dumped.

Six years....You Say?

That is a LONG time.

Is she on the rebound or have the "scars" had time to heal?
 
She is probably VERY gun shy after being screwed over by another "nice" RM.

You never know TBB...She might be keeping her "options" open, hoping her old boyfriend comes back into her life (at least in her mind).

Despite her introversion, she’s very strong-willed even by the standards of Russian girls.

This can be good news, IF....You are a real MAN (no Offense).

BTW....If I can ask...What does she do for a living (profession)?

Some weekday nights she didn’t want to meet me because she was too busy.

This is troublesome TBB.

It could be a RED FLAG.
_____________________________________________________________________

My general impressions: I would leave the St.Pete excursion for another trip.

If you really like this girl, spend more facetime with her in her city (no diversions).

I think you will have most of the answers you are searching for on your next visit.

I really think, from what you have said here, this relationship could go either way.

Sorry, but what you are searching for cannot be found in email's and text messages with her.

The "indicators" are a little to fuzzy and confusing at this point.

Good Luck.


GOB


Almost Forgot...This time, make sure to let her know that you are coming to just see her and her alone.

[Misha]

The problem is that she’s a little bit aloof.

Shy people often send the wrong signals: they appear aloof, when they are simply shy. I am speaking from experience here being quite shy myself.

I had hoped that writing would clear up her intent, but it hasn’t so far.

Have you asked her directly? Again, be careful to not confuse her shyness with aloofness and sometimes it is better to ask the question directly, than to beat around the bush so to say.

[GQBlues]

The girl doesn't know what she wants at this point because she's technically on the rebound. You're 'a' recipient of that wonderful stage in her life.  

Yummy! Have fun, fun, fun!

Ironically, as is always the case in situations like this, the man is thinking 'main squeeze' (in your case - marriage), she's thinking he's fun but I'm not sure I'm ready for a commitment yet conundrum.

So how do you handle this? Let me give you 2 options:

1. Force the issue right now and you're ripe for pickin' to eat mud. You are oh-so close to breathing everything about this girl in your life (if you're not already) that she's in your thoughts 24/7, man. Your attracted to her like you've never been attracted to anyone else before. You're obssessed. She's not only sooooo beautiful, but she's also oh-soooo vunerable and oh-sooooo mystifying ~ or so you think. Women in this type of situation will be so empowered by your neediness and attention because guys like you is the perfect (mostly temporal) remedy for her void and uncertainties at this time. Her perceived aloofness, unitentional or otherwise, is the perfect combination to keep you out of balance. Making you long for her even more to the point you'll more than likely become so conveniently disposable in the near future.

Or.....

2. See it as it is and take what you can out of it. If you can afford the trip, do so for the sake of having fun. Leave your heart at home. Get BALANCED. Wash this girl out of your hair and get laid and be in company of as many pretty women as you can (dating, not prostitution ~ assuming you have game. I met you in person and you should not have any problems with this). There's no better antidote to break out of a woman's spell than the company of another pretty woman, or pretty women. It's always the great equalizer. I'm not telling you to do this simply to spite this girl. I am telling to do this as a part of your life within her space, if she is really who you ultimately want. You cannot sit at home alone, or even hang out with your buddies and think you'll forget about her - ain't gonna work, man.

Unfortunately, IMHO this is your best option if you want a chance in ultimately walking off the sunset with this girl.

Right now, she's writing all the rules. It's her world at this point and you're just renting in it.

[Doll]

 For me the girl acted absolutely decently for the situation. Good girl!


TwoBitBandit, you say you went to one of these trips to have many women?
So you did. The girls was a part of this 'social'? Yes, she was. So what else do you want from a girl with good manners? She went home at 9? Had to work? What's wrong with it?
It was NOT the date scheduled individually by a man and a woman.
She goes slow what is clear from her letter. Good girl.
Why are you setting your expectation? IMO the customer in the store cab set his expectation because it is shopping. You are dating.

[GQBlues]

Doll-

I agree. There's nothing wrong with her but rather how her 'being' is affecting TBB.

[Doll]

Doll-

I agree. There's nothing wrong with her but rather how her 'being' is affecting TBB.

Exactly! TBB met 9 girls and wanted everything from one of these 9.
It is not the case.

[Doll]

So, it’s almost as if we just don’t trust one another enough, each waiting for the other to take the brave next step.   

Why would she trust you at all? Any reason? No. You came to this social which says a lot a about the man.
( I would never ever just think of going to any of these parties)

[janic]

I’m looking for advice.

Hmmm....

My guts tell me that you have a >50% chance that it's not gonna work out. But if you are really interested in her it's certainly worth trying. The fact that she proposed a trip to Peter is IMO a very good sign. Question is how much of a problem 5k are for you. Because in case it doesn't works they are gone, in case the trip is fine you should also go there in November.

The six-year relation might be part of the problem. How long since they separated?
But from the 'encouraging lines' I get the feeling that her friends might be the bigger part of the problem. What she writes doesn't appears as if they would encourage her in the relation with you. So, if you are going to make the Peter-trip with her I would propose that you return with her and try to meet her friends too.

I would be interested in some fragments of the less encouraging stuff she writes you to get a better ability for interpreting what she writes.

If I return, and she continues to treat the relationship in a casual way, it will just be a wasted trip.

I'm a bit irritated by your statement that it would be a "wasted trip". If you haven't been to Peter yet it will certainly be an experience and wasted wouldn't apply.
My irritation grows with you writing about

valuable week of time

Maybe my interpretation is wrong but could it be that you expect too much too fast? Hmm....

I had hoped that writing would clear up her intent, but it hasn’t so far.  I think she’s started to think more seriously about me, and we exchange a lot of SMS messages.

No phone-talks?

My inclination at the moment is to write a letter delicately explaining my position, why I thought she was aloof, what my fear in this is and that I’m looking for something serious.   I also want to delicately but clearly set the expectation that I want to meet her family and perhaps some of her friends.

That should better be EXTREMELY delicately, because she could very well get the feeling of being 'pushed' and drop you because you scared her. Personally I would rather split it into tiny junks in several eMails or maybe rather phone-calls.
Especially the family could be a not-so-good idea at this moment. - Do you know if she already told them about you?
I can just speculate but from my POV the friends should be addressed in the first place. ASAP but with preparation and w/o haste.

Hope my comments helped you somehow.

j.

[Faux Pas]

TwoBit

You stated you went on a WMVM trip but you didn't elaborate much on the trip. Was she aware that you were visiting other ladies? Quite honestly, if this is the case I can see where she didn't make all of her time available to you. Why should she? Her aloofness could likely be that she had no idea as to where she stood with you. It sounds like you both had a good time but it doesn't sound you discussed feelings or possible feelings. The chances are quite high that she was unable to read your mind. You can't honestly gauge her reaction to a possible relationship with you while you are visiting other women, can you?

The lady apparently was on the rebound and not in a hurry to set up the pins for another game. I would suggest a trip back to Nizny. A serious discussion either before or during the trip as to her expectations for you as well as her. Meet her friends and her family then, decide if you want to make a trip to Piter with her at a later date. I don't personally go for the "not into or expecting a foreign man". If she wasn't, she'd had never met you in the first  place.

Good Luck

[GQBlues]

Exactly! TBB met 9 girls and wanted everything from one of these 9.
It is not the case.

Doll-

That's OK too! TBB's just a little lovestruck right now. It can be a good thing.

Of course that'll greatly depends on how he manages himself with her from here on in.

[Doll]

I'm a bit irritated by your statement that it would be a "wasted trip".

He wants it like yogurt Activia- it works or you money back.
Like I said- AM are shopping.
Good girl!

[Doll]

while I spend three days wandering around in the city when she is at work making four dollars an hour

Am I allowed to swear? 
Her 4 dollar is worth much more than your $5.000.

[janic]

He wants it like yogurt Activia- it works or you money back.
Like I said- AM are shopping.
Good girl!

Am I allowed to swear?  
Her 4 dollar is worth much more than your $5.000.

As I wrote: >50% chance of failure. Right girl, wrong man [for this girl].

[BC]

I think the difficulty of all this for me and the issue in front of me doesn’t really register in her dizzy-young-blonde head.  My impression is she doesn’t understand my hesitation to come again, and I didn’t understand why she was aloof when I was there.  So, it’s almost as if we just don’t trust one another enough, each waiting for the other to take the brave next step.  That’s the optimistic case, though: the pessimistic case is that she’ll continue to be aloof while I’m there, make dumb excuses about why she can’t spend certain blocks of time with her, and use me as a convenient way to fund her trip to St. Pete.

TBB,

Look at the realistic side.. you had a few dates with the girl and that's about it.  She didn't put out and that in itself may seem a bit confusing.

I'm half with GOB in that she is probably not really over her last relationship, and the other half with the women basically saying the same thing as the commandments do.. Date like you do at home and forget the instant gratification stuff.

That you already view her as a 'dizzy young blonde', to me, says a lot.. first impressions, best impressions IMHO.  Regardless of her true nature, these first thoughts will follow you throughout your relationship - if there is one.

My tip is to set realistic expectations (best none at all), but decide first what your true needs are..  I doubt ' young dizzy blonde' is on that list.

That she wanted to spend time with friends without you is possibly a signal.. what's age difference are we talking about?

[Edit]

BTW your TR is only a copy 'n paste away from here.  Might be good background material to explore.

[TwoBitBandit]

BTW....If I can ask...What does she do for a living (profession)?

She has two degrees: the first is technical and the second is financial.  She was laid off from her job due to the economy and recently found a new one.  Her current job is doing some sort of accounting at a chemical supply company.

Have you asked her directly? Again, be careful to not confuse her shyness with aloofness and sometimes it is better to ask the question directly, than to beat around the bush so to say.

Good idea, I’ll do that.

2. See it as it is and take what you can out of it. If you can afford the trip, do so for the sake of having fun. Leave your heart at home. Get BALANCED. Wash this girl out of your hair and get laid and be in company of as many pretty women as you can (dating, not prostitution ~ assuming you have game. I met you in person and you should not have any problems with this). There's no better antidote to break out of a woman's spell than the company of another pretty woman, or pretty women. It's always the great equalizer. I'm not telling you to do this simply to spite this girl. I am telling to do this as a part of your life within her space, if she is really who you ultimately want. You cannot sit at home alone, or even hang out with your buddies and think you'll forget about her - ain't gonna work, man.

I’m still dating the girls stateside, in fact I’m taking a girl wine tasting tomorrow and I’ve been going on a couple of dates a week recently.  Actually, dating Russian girls has given me much more game with the Silicon Valley career girls because in the back of my mind is the idea “girlfriend, you ain’t all that, and you ain’t got nothin’ on Russian girls.”  On the other hand, after dating Russian girls it's almost painful to date girls in Silicon Valley: it's like going from a Porsche to a Kia.

You stated you went on a WMVM trip but you didn't elaborate much on the trip. Was she aware that you were visiting other ladies? Quite honestly, if this is the case I can see where she didn't make all of her time available to you. Why should she? Her aloofness could likely be that she had no idea as to where she stood with you. It sounds like you both had a good time but it doesn't sound you discussed feelings or possible feelings. The chances are quite high that she was unable to read your mind. You can't honestly gauge her reaction to a possible relationship with you while you are visiting other women, can you?

I don’t want to post a link to my trip report on “some other” board out of respect for Dan.  She knew I was visiting other girls, but she didn't ask how many.  I did tell her at the end of the first day I met her that I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible and cancel the rest of my meetings with other girls, but she didn’t want me to do that.

The general consensus seems to be “dude, chill,” which is probably good advice.

I've let a couple of great Russian girls get away in my search because I didn't close my hand at the right time.  Now perhaps I'm doing the opposite: closing my hand before it is time.

[JR]

I'll take your Two Bits and raise you Two Cents....

I am responding only to your original post. I have found that my thoughts are much clearer by doing so.

Don't try to get inside this girls head. You can't do it. To even try is folly and in the end you'll find you had it all wrong anyways. We can only concentrate on how she treated you and your response to it.

She was aloof, choosing many times to "put you on ignore" while engaging in other activities. All the while knowing you had travelled half way around the world and at a rather significant expenditure of time and money.

You know what you're looking for, she probably doesn't. Don't try to guess. I probably wouldn't even ask. She just may tell you what she thinks you want to hear.

My guess is that you're feeling kinda crappy (maybe more) about the way she treated you. Get used to it. She showed you who she is. Call it shy, introverted, aloof, or hadn't really considered a foreign man, whatever...the way she treated you was pretty rude. Being shy is one thing. Being rude is quite another.

I know it was a WMVM, still she should have seen that you were giving her all the attention and worked with you. She COULD have spend A LOT more time with you but CHOSE not to. Now she wants you to come back, spend a few days alone in a hotel and pay for her vacation to St. Pitr. Hmmmm. Not sure I'd go there.

People on the rebound will do all sorts of shit...and TBB, it'll all end up on your head.

This is all about how she treated you and how you feel about it. Don't make excuses for her and don't try to get into her head. Perhaps patience would win out but chances are they won't. You can't change her and she probably won't change herself. If her behavior was and is acceptable to you then jump back into the mud and see if it turns out any different. If not move on.

Life is short. Too short to spend it with someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. She can only be who she is and you have seen that. The choice is yours....choose wisely.

[BC]

I’m still dating the girls stateside, in fact I’m taking a girl wine tasting tomorrow and I’ve been going on a couple of dates a week recently.  Actually, dating Russian girls has given me much more game with the Silicon Valley career girls because in the back of my mind is the idea “girlfriend, you ain’t all that, and you ain’t got nothin’ on Russian girls.”  On the other hand, after dating Russian girls it's almost painful to date girls in Silicon Valley: it's like going from a Porsche to a Kia.

How old is the local wine date vs RW?

I don’t want to post a link to my trip report on “some other” board out of respect for Dan.  She knew I was visiting other girls, but she didn't ask how many.  I did tell her at the end of the first day I met her that I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible and cancel the rest of my meetings with other girls, but she didn’t want me to do that.

Half the battle is listening.

The general consensus seems to be “dude, chill,” which is probably good advice.

I've let a couple of great Russian girls get away in my search because I didn't close my hand at the right time.  Now perhaps I'm doing the opposite: closing my hand before it is time.

Not to worry.. we've all missed the bus at one time or other in our lives.  What's 'right' will come automatic, what we 'want' will always elude.

[Sculpto]

I'll take your Two Bits and raise you Two Cents....

I am responding only to your original post. I have found that my thoughts are much clearer by doing so.

Don't try to get inside this girls head. You can't do it. To even try is folly and in the end you'll find you had it all wrong anyways. We can only concentrate on how she treated you and your response to it.

She was aloof, choosing many times to "put you on ignore" while engaging in other activities. All the while knowing you had travelled half way around the world and at a rather significant expenditure of time and money.

You know what you're looking for, she probably doesn't. Don't try to guess. I probably wouldn't even ask. She just may tell you what she thinks you want to hear.

My guess is that you're feeling kinda crappy (maybe more) about the way she treated you. Get used to it. She showed you who she is. Call it shy, introverted, aloof, or hadn't really considered a foreign man, whatever...the way she treated you was pretty rude. Being shy is one thing. Being rude is quite another.

I know it was a WMVM, still she should have seen that you were giving her all the attention and worked with you. She COULD have spend A LOT more time with you but CHOSE not to. Now she wants you to come back, spend a few days alone in a hotel and pay for her vacation to St. Pitr. Hmmmm. Not sure I'd go there.

People on the rebound will do all sorts of *snip*...and TBB, it'll all end up on your head.

This is all about how she treated you and how you feel about it. Don't make excuses for her and don't try to get into her head. Perhaps patience would win out but chances are they won't. You can't change her and she probably won't change herself. If her behavior was and is acceptable to you then jump back into the mud and see if it turns out any different. If not move on.

Life is short. Too short to spend it with someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated. She can only be who she is and you have seen that. The choice is yours....choose wisely.

whoa hold on there JR.. they had a few dates and made out a little.  That is not enough for either one of them to base anything on.  He likes her and wants to go.. she had a nice time and is moving at her own speed.  Thats all.. don't read too much in.

[Muddy]

I'm sure some of it is her not knowing how to react.  She'd never met a foreigner before, wasn't looking for a foreigner, and probably hadn't really thought it through.  She probably didn't consider it very serious until I actually showed up in her city.

So, it’s almost as if we just don’t trust one another enough, each waiting for the other to take the brave next step.    That’s the optimistic case

the pessimistic case is that she’ll continue to be aloof while I’m there, make dumb excuses about why she can’t spend certain blocks of time with her, and use me as a convenient way to fund her trip to St. Pete.

What would you do?

What would I do? I would tell her exactly what I want, if you are thinking a serious relationship and marriage then tell her that.
Listen, she was not sitting and waiting all her life for you, she must have male friends, maybe that is the reason she could not spend time with you at times.

You need tell her exactly what you want from her, if you are thinking marriage, tell her that and how important it is to you to spend time with her.

You dont want to waste your time and money, you must tell her what you want from her

[BC]

You need tell her exactly what you want from her, if you are thinking marriage, tell her that and how important it is to you to spend time with her.

Waaaay to early for that IMHO.

[Edit] guess I should qualify.. one of the 'commandments':

Treat international dating the same as dating someone from your home country. The biggest difference is the cost (travel, phone. etc). This is an expensive process. Don't believe anyone that tells you otherwise.

Would you be talking about possible marriage after 4 or 5 dates with a local girl?  If so, the reaction might be quite similar..

[GQBlues]

I’m still dating the girls stateside, in fact I’m taking a girl wine tasting tomorrow and I’ve been going on a couple of dates a week recently.  Actually, dating Russian girls has given me much more game with the Silicon Valley career girls because in the back of my mind is the idea “girlfriend, you ain’t all that, and you ain’t got nothin’ on Russian girls.”  On the other hand, after dating Russian girls it's almost painful to date girls in Silicon Valley: it's like going from a Porsche to a Kia.

Great, that's the perfect attitude. (I used to live in SJ/Campbell area and spent a great deal of time in the Bay Area (or even Sac-Town) so I have a good feel of the type of talent in the area. I don't agree with you or Sculpto about the inventory pool, but either way right now it's the attitude that counts.).

SP is a great place to visit. Better if you're in the company of a beautiful woman (women) each night. Chill, relax, date and don't get all twisted up and think of marriage if it isn't there. WMs get so tied-up in knots thinking all they have to do is show-up and women should drool at the possibility of getting hitched. Actually, you should have more concerns if that happens.

Remember, she hasn't yet done anything wrong to you. She's been straight and candid with you in how she acted so far. If anything, I give her props for that. Sounds like a pretty heady girl to me and a good catch if you can handle her type.

Do not abandon your wits and instincts. You'd know when a good girl's gone bad.

[JR]

whoa hold on there JR.. they had a few dates and made out a little.  That is not enough for either one of them to base anything on.  He likes her and wants to go.. she had a nice time and is moving at her own speed.  Thats all.. don't read too much in.

I didn't read into anything. All we have to go by is what TBB wrote. We know nothing of this girl. But she indicated from the beginning that she wasn't that into him (don't break your engagement with the other girls) and her behavior continued in that vein even when he made repeated attempts to see only her. I'm with GQ on this, he is empowering her to walk all over him. I stand by what I said.

[Muddy]

If you dont she may think you are really not serious, you just want to spend good time with her, have sex.... then go home, she may or may not see you again, she probably has met men like this before, or maybe her girlfriends,...so she does not take things seriously.

Like you wrote it will cost you $5000 plus your time, you dont want to waste your time and see her do the same things.

Dont treat international dating the same way you treat dating someone from your city especially if she is special and you have not a girl like her before.

You dont want to go there for a week and have only 3 meetings with her, do you?

[Sculpto]

I didn't read into anything. All we have to go by is what TBB wrote. We know nothing of this girl. But she indicated from the beginning that she wasn't that into him (don't break your engagement with the other girls) and her behavior continued in that vein even when he made repeated attempts to see only her. I'm with GQ on this, he is empowering her to walk all over him. I stand by what I said.

I am not going to argue it, but, I think her behavior was totally appropriate.  He didn't come to see her exclusively.  She wasn't looking for a foreign guy so his travel status is irrelevant.  H needs to court her, woo her.. if she was jumping through hoops after a couple of dates I would be worried.. but.. this seems normal to me.