Talking with someone who has a teenage child...

[LoneWolf]

Wow!  Thanks for all of the input, everyone!  I'm a bit overwhelmed!  I didn't expect to get this many responses!  This is a great site! 


One of you asked where I was staying... and that is actually a good question... because I asked her if she knew of a good hotel in the area where I could stay.  She's now insisting that I stay with her.  She is thinking the only reason I would want to stay at a hotel is because I want to see multiple women.  That took me by surprise!  Because she caught me off guard, I ended up thanking her for her hospitality.  But honestly, the more I think about it the more I feel a bit uncomfortable staying there when I've never actually met her in person before... and I'm a bit surprised she feels comfortable with me staying there.  Maybe its a cultural thing.


Also, I recently asked her if she would be happy living in the USA, where she doesn't know the language yet... and if she would be homesick.  I figure this could be a BIG life changing event for her, so I figured it's a legitimate question that would have to be asked at some point.  Her answer was basically, "Yes, I will go wherever I need to go to be with my family."  I then asked her if she thought her son would be happy with the move to USA, knowing he also doesn't know the language and would have to be going to a new school, etc.  Her answer surprised me a bit.  She asked why I was interested in how he feels about it.  I told her I was concerned because it would also be a big life changing event in his life as well... and I think it is important for both of them to be happy.  She basically said that she is his authority figure, and that he will follow her wherever she goes.  That answer surprised me even more.  It seemed I was more concerned with her child's happiness than she was... but maybe I was reading her wrong (I hope).  Then throughout our conversation for the day, she asked a few times why I asked my questions from before... and I would tell her every time that I only wanted to be certain that both of them would be happy.  Since then, it seems like our conversations have been shorter, and it appears her interest has lessened a bit.  But maybe she's been busy recently... or maybe I'm just seeing things that aren't there.


I'm not sure what to think at this point.  The only thing I can do now is continue to try to talk with her as I have before, and see if things are still going in a good direction.  I hope so, because we have a lot in common, she seems to be a nice person, and her kid is nice, too.  I still want to meet with her and see where things go... but I also prefer to have a separate place to stay for two reasons... 1) it seems a bit... awkward... to stay at the woman's home when we haven't met... and 2) if it isn't going well with her, I have nowhere else to go until I find a hotel with a room available... in a country where I don't know the language.  But I also don't want to offend her by turning down her offer.  =/

[Faux Pas]

She might be a bit offended for two reasons. Enough to cool her a bit but obviously not to turn tail and run. 1) She extended some hospitality she'd hoped you would do, you didn't 2) You are probably putting the cart well before the horse asking such questions about her and her son living abroad. It gives her pause to question you. She doesn't know you either

The first reason, you have done nothing wrong and because you do not know her is the reason, you need to stay elsewhere. Preferably, a flat close to her home. Let her know inexplicitly that you are there to see her but, staying with her this trip is much too soon. Tell her not to worry, you hope to spend all your time with her if she will let you.

The second reason you might need to apologize and let her know you didn't mean to pry. With those type questions before you've even met are intrusive and she will question your motives again, she doesn't know you. Seems she realizes that more than you do.

[Larry1]

Since then, it seems like our conversations have been shorter, and it appears her interest has lessened a bit.  But maybe she's been busy recently... 

One possibility occurred to me: did you notice that your calls became shorter after January 7 (Orthodox Christmas)?  If so, there could be a completely benign explanation.  Many people in FSU have holidays around New Year's through Christmas.  Perhaps she is back to a busy work schedule and just has less time available to talk.

Good luck to you.  I know it's sometimes difficult to gauge how things are going between two people when their only contact is by phone or Skype.  We have an understandable tendency to look to small details and try to figure out how things are going based on them.

[CDW]

 but I also prefer to have a separate place to stay for two reasons... 1) it seems a bit... awkward... to stay at the woman's home when we haven't met... and 2) if it isn't going well with her, I have nowhere else to go until I find a hotel with a room available... in a country where I don't know the language.  But I also don't want to offend her by turning down her offer.  =/

If she is really the woman for you, you wouldn't feel very awkward or uncomfortable at all.   In your mind, you are "hoping" that she is the woman for you.    If you are expecting "sex", then you will feel very uncomfortable, staying at her house.   On the other hand, she is saving your $$$$ by staying in her house rather than in apartment/hotel.

I have had ladies asking me to stay with her, and I did not feel uncomfortable at all.    My 1st trip to Gomel, Belarus, I stayed with her, her parents and her sister and I felt very comfortable and even their kittens slept on the bed I slept in.  At the end, she wasn't the right lady for me for some reasons, but I enjoyed being with her family. 

My 2nd trip, to Vitebsk, stayed with her and her parents.  Very comfortable.



You will have a very difficult decision to make, but I wish you the best of luck.

[Gator]

Larry,

I find it remarkable that she asked you to stay at her flat for a first meeting.  That never happened to me until the second meeting.
 
If you are seeing only this woman and no others, perhaps you should accept her offer.  A RW relationship is developed on a compressed timeline, and there is no better way for getting to know someone than living with them, her kid included.  She will fix you Russian food, wash your underwear and socks, clean your shoes, etc.
 
Do not tell her that you are concerned about what would happen if it did not go well with her.  That is too negative.  Be positive, but first discuss the logistics such as number of bedrooms in her flat, etc.  If still concerned, ask her to find an apartment or hotel nearby. 
 
How do you communicate?  How well is her English?

[Belvis]

If you are seeing only this woman and no others, perhaps you should accept her offer.  A RW relationship is developed on a compressed timeline, and there is no better way for getting to know someone than living with them, her kid included.  She will fix you Russian food, wash your underwear and socks, clean your shoes, etc.

+1
If a woman feels comfortable  the living together is the best way to get known each other in short time. Escape from her flat could be done at any time, not a problem to find a hotel just by asking the taxi guys.
I see in LoneWolf's  concerns some of the cultural differences between FSU folks and WM. FSU ladies are much less sensitive to conception of privacy or personal space.
And second thought, she may be really confused by questions about  living in USA because of 1) Most of FSU folks believe that life in USA will be better a priori; 2) putting the cart well before the horse, long forecasts in future are not in FSU traditions 

[I/O]

LW: At this point, you're asking too many questions - let the relationship run and simply discuss the things you'll do together when you're there.
 
I don't see a problem staying with her - Belvis summed it up quite well and let's face it, if the relationship goes south, she isn't going to chase you out the door on the end of a knife. You'll both know and I'm sure be able to come to an amicable parting whereby she'll assist you at least to find a hotel. Been there, done that so to say........

[Larry1]

Larry,

I find it remarkable that she asked you to stay at her flat for a first meeting.  That never happened to me until the second meeting.
 
If you are seeing only this woman and no others, perhaps you should accept her offer.  A RW relationship is developed on a compressed timeline, and there is no better way for getting to know someone than living with them, her kid included.  She will fix you Russian food, wash your underwear and socks, clean your shoes, etc.
 
Do not tell her that you are concerned about what would happen if it did not go well with her.  That is too negative.  Be positive, but first discuss the logistics such as number of bedrooms in her flat, etc.  If still concerned, ask her to find an apartment or hotel nearby. 
 
How do you communicate?  How well is her English?

Just to avoid reader confusion, it's Lonewolf who was invited to stay at the girl's flat.  Although I suppose it's possible that his real name is also Larry.

[Brianinaz]

First as others have alluded to you're putting the cart before the horse. You haven't met the lady yet. You two may spend 5 minutes together and realize there's nothing there. You've stated the idea of an existing child isn't a deal killer. So meet the lady first and then if things progress then that's the time to consider the child.
Without being critical I would suggest you not be so apologetic with this lady. Do some reading about the women from the FSU and Western women. FSU women are use to the man being a man. She is not going to respond well to "waffling"  and "wishey washy" or "being in touch with your feelings". She's use to FSU men and that's not how they are. I'm not suggesting being rude and uncaring but take the lead. Tell her what you think and why but in a way that conveys you know what you're doing and have a plan.
As for your question about visa's; the child rides along with mom. K1/K3 if you're bringing her over before marriage or CR/IR if you marry there. In either case if mom's approved the kid rides along.
Good Luck Relax and Enjoy Yourself

[cc3]

OR-7

This stage of your relationship is undoubtedly inspirational. Like I/O, I would caution you getting all caught-up emotional with this. The fact is, you haven't met. I know that hardly seems to matter for you right now but bottom line is, first things first. Don't get caught-up sticking a round peg into a square hole.

Stay grounded and keep your wits intact - now and on the trip. The period of time when you get back from your trip is the time to reflect and contemplate scenarios of your relationship.

Lone Wolf, this succinct post has invaluable points for you to observe.

[Ludmila]

IMO, the topic starter is well ahead of "locomotive". Staying in the lady's place during his first visit WHILE THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTION MARKS in their relationship, was a mistake in my opinion. It limited his freedom in all senses.
 
In my opinion, all the questions about the child's situation should have been raised before, in emails. And should have been discussed in general ( to know her take of the problem), and later, her child's particular case. All this belongs to the phase of "collection of information" and filtering all the CORE facts. It is better to hear all this BEFORE the relationship develops.
 
During the first visit-- to see whether all that has been said is what you see. Then it may make sense to proceed.
 
As to the author's concern about the teenager in the situation, ask yourself
whether you are ready for sacrifice ( time, emotions, money, etc).
 
Have you had  prior experience in sacrificing for the sake of another human being?
 
Are you ready for that? What are the gains? Are they worth it?
 
Am I convinced that the lady's love to me will justify all my sacrifice?
 
Am I ready to bear the responsibility for the child who has already been traumatised by the death of his father? Do I want to make that human being happy ? Am I ready for difficulties ( as well as rewards in the form of 2 loving human beings)?

[calmissile]

Lonewolf,

While I understand someone on a 'mission' is anxious to ask all the important questions in the beginning, I tend to agree with other posters that it is putting the cart before the horse.  These questions should wait until you are at least comfortable with each other after meeting in person.

As far as your gal inviting you to stay with her, that it my opinion is hospitality at it's best.  She is not asking you to have sex with her.  She is saving you money on a hotel or apartment.  Like others have mentioned, it is her way of seeing you in a daily routine rather than a 'date'.  It also allows you to witness her daily routine including interaction with her kids.

The best way I have found to handle this is to accept the invitation and first meet for lunch when you arrive.  If there is something absolutely appalling about her that you decide you cannot stay with her you have an out by telling her that you prefer staying at a hotel the first night.

As many others have stated, just meeting and having fun the first few days is the most rewarding solution I have found.  It will either grow, or one of you might decide it is not a good fit.  In either case there is no reason to not enjoy your stay and perhaps only have a new friend.  At least you will have gained the experience of learning more about the culture and surroundings.

[ML]

  If there is something absolutely appalling about her that you decide you cannot stay with her you have an out by telling her that you prefer staying at a hotel the first night.

Yes indeed; it can happen.