Talking with someone who has a teenage child...

[LoneWolf]

Hello, everyone!


I've been talking with someone who is a widow with a child in the early teens.  It's amazing that I seem to have so much in common with this woman... much more than I would have imagined I would find.  And she definitely seems interested.  When I tell her about an interest of mine, she immediately researches it and learns about it.  She likes to look up news about what is going on in my area.  We've already had a video chat, so I can confirm she is who she says she is.  And the child seems like a very good child... and I believe we would probably get along very well.


However, I'm starting to worry a bit because it's just starting to sink in how much more difficult this might be.  Not only do I have to worry about one person being happy when they come to the USA, but now there are two... and if only one of them is unhappy the whole thing can collapse, and both of them will be even more unhappy because of it.  And I would also have to worry about getting two visas instead of one.  Is it possible that one could get a visa and the other would not?  If so, that would also cause everything to collapse.


I'm also starting to think a bit more from the child's perspective.  If the child were younger, I think the transition would be easier... but a young teenager would probably have a much more difficult time adjusting to the change.  Having to enter a new school system, make new friends, and not know the language...  I imagine that would be a nightmare!


These two people seem to be very good people, and I don't want to do wrong by them... and I'm starting to worry that I will be doing wrong by them by continuing to pursue this.  We have been talking for quite some time now... and she is very eager for me to visit her.  She wants me to tell her when I can come visit so she can adjust her schedule to make more time to see me.


Please tell me... am I right to be concerned?  Is there anyone who has experience with this situation that can give me some advice?  Thanks for any help!


LW

[I/O]

am I right to be concerned?

Too right you are right to be concerned..!! Proceed with utmost caution.

[Gylden]

Of course you should be concerned, as I/O say proceed with caution.
 
When my wife and I got married, her kids (2, boy and a girl) were 16 and 17. We did our best to ensure they were taken into consideration.
 
In our case we decided that the opportunities they would be presented with by taking on the challenge of moving/adapting would be a positive thing.
 
As it turned out both are flying.
 
Concern on your part tells that your head is in the right place.
 
Hope this helps a bit.

[southernX]

lonewolf

i  have experience with this scenario, ,
question is , what do you want in your future ??  a wife with a child , ?

do you have any kids , have you any experience with kids , ?

are you open to a lady with a child /teenager , ??  is the child a boy or girl ??  girls i think are alittle easier to relocate so to speak ,

if you can see a future with this lady & you are open to her child , you must then make the decision can you make the 100% comitment required to them both that is needed to have success ??

my wife had a teenager , he knew little english , over the first year , he picked it up quickly , we gave him extra tuition , he has been an absolute gem of a kid, he has always been respectful to his mum and me , he has now near topped his class in english ,[3rd highest mark in final exams ] he has fitted in extremly well , great young man in every way !!

it can have benefits for all partys to have alady with achild , they do experience all things  together, , they can keep each other company , conversation etc etc is easier if it is shared , your lady will not suffer isolation issues, and it helps them focus on something other than themselves ..its not easy , but it can be done very succesfuly ime

you would need to be an understanding type of guy , who isnt jealous of time she would spend with her child , and if you can win the childs heart, make the child yours , she will love you even more ...it is abig responsibility though

you are right to have concens

question is can you manage it ??do you want to manage it ?? 

as for visas , if the child is under 18 you usually pay for only one , as the child comes in under mums visa ,
if your happy to commit to it , it can give you a huge reward for life !!

SX

[LoneWolf]

Thanks for the help, everyone!  I feel much better about this now.    I still am a little concerned.  Am I open to a lady with a teenager?  Yes.  Can I handle it?  I don't know... I hope so.  I've never been in that situation before.  But I definitely want it to work!


I'm currently trying to arrange a trip to visit her in her country.  I've never been to Ukraine before, so this is going to be new and exciting!  But I'm also a bit nervous because I don't know the language.  I'm going to try to find a translator app for my phone that will work offline.  And I also need to find adapters so I can charge my phone and other electronics.    Can anyone think of anything that you might need for a trip to Ukraine that might be easy to overlook?


Thanks!


LW

[CDW]

Hello, everyone!
I've been talking with someone who is a widow with a child in the early teens.

Look at the bright side, the child's father is already out of picture which means you have 1 person less to worry about.

The most hardest part is not only to bring the child to USA, but also the father of the child  (since your lady is a widow, less worry). 

Anyway, if the child has already finished the school, you do not have to find the suitable school for him/her.  If he/she wants to go to college, and if he/she doesn't speak your language, then it might be a big problem.

You need to ask him about his future, whether he wants to go to college or not.

I had ex-girlfriend from Medellin, Colombia who has 2 girls (age 15 &10), but it was too much problems for them to bring to UK to live when they cannot speak English.

[southernX]

Quote from: LoneWolf on January 02, 2013, 10:41:25 PM
Hello, everyone!
I've been talking with someone who is a widow with a child in the early teens.

Look at the bright side, the child's father is already out of picture which means you have 1 person less to worry about.

The most hardest part is not only to bring the child to USA, but also the father of the child  (since your lady is a widow, less wo

it might sound a bit cynical , but this is very true , it was my experience, and it makes for less difficulties in the process,

get to know the child, always , discuss /consult with your lady before you make any plans on the childs discipline , she will probably be a hard task master on the child herself ime , have you any children lonewolf ??  these ladys seem to respect guys who are already succesful fathers , its not gauranteed , but it does help imo

anything you need to take with you to ukraine ??  which city are you visiting ??are you staying in a seperate apartment ??

invaluable item if you like reading , take a book or two , as you may find yourself with time on your hands, alady with child , may not be able to be as free with her time , like 24/7 over two weeks , [how old is the child ?  12 - 16 ? boy or girl ??  ]

she may be able to leave her child with grandparents while she is free if your meeting  goes well in the first place , , im not a big pub club person , so i found a book or  two very handy ,

take a good  comfortable pair of walking shoes !!! these are a must !!!

you will find people are friendly&polite  even if your not fully conversant in ukrainian , just learn few simple words& phrases , and practice them ,

keep an open mind and a postive attitude lonewolf and you will be fine !!

sx

[I/O]

  Can anyone think of anything that you might need for a trip to Ukraine that might be easy to overlook?

Umbrella and other "personal protection equipment" as may be appropriate for given activities ..........

[Doll]

As long as both a mother and a kid are happy here - don't worry.
I watch many teens at school- they pick English fast.
They will just need your patience and support.

[BillyB]

Not only do I have to worry about one person being happy when they come to the USA, but now there are two... and if only one of them is unhappy the whole thing can collapse, and both of them will be even more unhappy because of it. 

Talk to the child when you visit about your relations with the mother. If the child is happy momma is getting remarried, there should be no problems. If child is not happy about the marriage or moving to a new country, then it's best to not marry momma.
 
If things go well and momma and child come to live with you, be strong and don't give the child reason to doubt a smooth transition. Kids adapt well to moving even if they don't want to. Because of my dad's job I went to 4 different high schools in 4 years. Because of my grandfather's job, my dad went to 4 different high schools in his senior year. It sucks losing friends and leaving everything behind but now looking back I don't regret the opportunities to see different parts of America or other countries and make new friends. I've seen lots of immigrant children with little or no English adapt fast to the language and culture. Although they may want to live with you, momma and child's transition to a new life may not be perfect but how many people get through life without a problem? Don't fear problems, just be ready to solve them.
 

[Daveman]

And I would also have to worry about getting two visas instead of one.  Is it possible that one could get a visa and the other would not?  If so, that would also cause everything to collapse.

Not possible unless the teen somehow ages out during the process. As long as your financial docs are in order for sponsoring two, if mom gets her visa so will the teen.

I'm also starting to think a bit more from the child's perspective.  If the child were younger, I think the transition would be easier... but a young teenager would probably have a much more difficult time adjusting to the change.  Having to enter a new school system, make new friends, and not know the language...  I imagine that would be a nightmare!

Yes, some valid concerns as well as prolonging the school years as certainly there could be delays as the english level comes up to par for finishing high school and preparing for University.  If she's a typical mom, you'll also need to plan for higher education which is right around the corner.

These two people seem to be very good people, and I don't want to do wrong by them... and I'm starting to worry that I will be doing wrong by them by continuing to pursue this.  We have been talking for quite some time now... and she is very eager for me to visit her.  She wants me to tell her when I can come visit so she can adjust her schedule to make more time to see me.

There will be hurdles to overcome but you certainly wouldn't be doing "wrong by them", all things being on the up and up.  That is a situation which has both worked and failed before - depending on the relationship you build with both, the attitude of the teen, the attitude of the mom, your attitude, the desire to build a cohesive unit, etc etc, blah blah... those are aspects you'll all need to determine together. 

Please tell me... am I right to be concerned?  Is there anyone who has experience with this situation that can give me some advice?  Thanks for any help!


LW

I don't have experience with this exact scenario but I did (help) raise and take care of two step sons until both were adult in my first marriage.  The challenges were not so great because, family wise, we all were 'in it together' and there were no culture/language adaptations to deal with.


Of course you should be concerned but not over the top paranoid about it.  If you are willing to take on the responsibility, and it's an enormous one, then by all means, visit her and see where things go.

[Daveman]

Keep firmly in mind though, that at this point, all you're doing is exactly what the topic title states..


"Talking with someone..."

[southernX]

daveman

Keep firmly in mind though, that at this point, all you're doing is exactly what the topic title states..


"Talking with someone..."

dave is correct , but it doesnt hurt to try and do some research on possible scenarios   in an area you may not have experience or info on imho




billy b

Talk to the child when you visit about your relations with the mother. If the child is happy momma is getting remarried, there should be no problems. If child is not happy about the marriage or moving to a new country, then it's best to not marry momma.

depending on the age of the child i would not be asking them   , as they are still a child in reality and of course not mature enough to be able to make tat decision

if you go all the way with this lady it will be given requirement that you build a strong respectfull, trusting relationship with the child as well as mum , this will ensure the mum and child both will have faith in your decison making and leadership before and after the relocation

i was more interested in knowing how the child is , their personality , as you may well fall in love with an amazing  lady, but you must live with them both ,
the childs personality and habits are an important part of the success, are they well disciplined, ? well mannered ,??  ? not a fussy eater ? etc

it is a glass half full or half empty type of thing , if you take the positives & decide whats important that you can live with & what you cannot , getting  to know the child will determine that for you pretty quickly ime

my wife is  a much harder task master on her son than i am , and im pretty conservative with kids of my own experience ,

once the child has arrived with mum , advice you often hear & id agree with in this type of situation is in the first year or so , even if the child wishes to go home , keep them in their '' new home ''  usually in time they settle in and adjust quickly , even quicker than the parent
it worked for us , he knew he would be here for at least two years, , this in part removed any type of manipulation there ma

y have been , however he also is a great kid , so it was never really an issue for us

SX

[CDW]

Talk to the child when you visit about your relations with the mother. If the child is happy momma is getting remarried, there should be no problems. If child is not happy about the marriage or moving to a new country, then it's best to not marry momma.

Just buy the boy a PLAY STATION or a blackberry for the girl.  LOL  Lock them in their new bedrooms and beam them back to Ukraine into their old bedrooms lol

[GQBlues]

OR-7

This stage of your relationship is undoubtedly inspirational. Like I/O, I would caution you getting all caught-up emotional with this. The fact is, you haven't met. I know that hardly seems to matter for you right now but bottom line is, first things first. Don't get caught-up sticking a round peg into a square hole.

Stay grounded and keep your wits intact - now and on the trip. The period of time when you get back from your trip is the time to reflect and contemplate scenarios of your relationship.

[I/O]

Talk to the child when you visit about your relations with the mother.

The only thing you can hope to achieve by this is alert the kid to your insecurity (s).

[jone]

Frankly, I would take even a greater step backwards.  You invest yourself tremendously in someone that you have met over the internet.  Keep the patter up.  Make her feel special.  But when the time comes, you need to meet a woman, and determine first of all if she could be the one.  Then you meet the child and find if you could love him/her.  While meeting and assessing a child is important, your plan seems always to focus on one lady.

But to make guesses before having met . . . . and not having multiple backup plans ..... is just plain silliness.

What happens if you go overseas to meet this woman and the reason her husband left her is that she is manic / depressive - or a sociopath - or a psychopath?  You just made a trip overseas with no backup.  WMDM!!!  (Woo many - date many.)  For every trip overseas - introductions trips - have at least five women to meet.

-j

[Gator]

I have dated mostly RW with children, some of them teenagers. 
 
It is appropriate that you have some concerns because you could encounter the equivalent of the devil's seed, but not likely.  More than likely the two (mama and teenager) will be very close, so close that you may feel like you are the outsider.   When did the husband/father die?  If recent, be careful.  Boy or girl?

I hope you find a well adjusted, friendly, happy teenager who is receiving high marks at school and has many friends.  Such will adjust easily if you marry.
 
If the teenager can speak English, try talking some.  Something light such as favorite music or video games or sports.    Do not talk about the relationship with the mother (eeeeck) other than at some distant point confirm that you love the mother and you will love her son/daughter as if he/she was your own.

[Chicagoguy]

I believe Russian teenagers might be a little better than our typical American teenager. Reverse this for a minute - just for fun - suppose you were moving an American teenager to Russia.

[ML]

I believe Russian teenagers might be a little better than our typical American teenager. Reverse this for a minute - just for fun - suppose you were moving an American teenager to Russia.

The AM teenagers would be more objective than us (since they are not chasing romance) and would quickly see all the reasons for NOT spending time in FSU.

[BillyB]

The only thing you can hope to achieve by this is alert the kid to your insecurity (s).

So you're saying a guy should not talk to the child to show he's secure? Of course a guy should talk to the child if he's going to pursue their momma. The child may be very receptive or reject the guy. A child may be hostile at first but warm up to a guy in a few days. Not going to happen if a guy ignores the child the whole visit to the FSU.  Unless a guy likes a lot of drama, he needs to understand what he's getting into.

[calmissile]

So you're saying a guy should not talk to the child to show he's secure? Of course a guy should talk to the child if he's going to pursue their momma. The child may be very receptive or reject the guy. A child may be hostile at first but warm up to a guy in a few days. Not going to happen if a guy ignores the child the whole visit to the FSU.  Unless a guy likes a lot of drama, he needs to understand what he's getting into.

+100

Both of my long term relationships with Ukriane women have been with minor children (as well as adult children).  I cannot imagine not intergrating into the family and trying to get emotionally close to the children (cautiously).   My daughter ruined my chances to marry two wonderful women when she was young.  Her mother was deceased and she was my #1 priority in life.  I just had to let it go.  I did not have the skills to change my daughers emotions and probably would have failed.  Getting to know the children and learn how they react to you is as important as the relationship with the mother.

With FSU women generally very protective of their children, it can make or break a relationship.  Plus consider that the children are part of the new 'family', not an add on that is accepted only to win the woman in marriage.

[I/O]

So you're saying a guy should not talk to the child to show he's secure?

About what?

[mendeleyev]

I'm also starting to think a bit more from the child's perspective.  If the child were younger, I think the transition would be easier... but a young teenager would probably have a much more difficult time adjusting to the change.  Having to enter a new school system, make new friends, and not know the language...  I imagine that would be a nightmare!

Teens can rebel in a new environment but it depends on the child. The only way you will do justice for this lady and yourself is to get on a plane and go find out. Sometimes once face to face you realize that you are just not very compatible and other times the result is electric. You are wise to understand that some level of compatibility should also be achieved with her son as well. You will never know until you go.

These two people seem to be very good people, and I don't want to do wrong by them... and I'm starting to worry that I will be doing wrong by them by continuing to pursue this.  We have been talking for quite some time now... and she is very eager for me to visit her.  She wants me to tell her when I can come visit so she can adjust her schedule to make more time to see me.

At this point you'd be doing wrong by them if you dropped the relationship without giving both sides a chance to meet. Based on your description it seems that the worst that could happen it seems is that you travel and make two new friends.

Positive: you have what appears to be a genuine lady and she wants to plan for your visit. This is not some agency scheme where you show up and suddenly she is unavailable. She wants to make arrangements to spend time with you. Go, do it.

As to the teen, I've had lots of interaction with Russian teens and they are varied and different as kids anywhere else. However generally if the chemistry at home with Mom and stepdad is good, they typically do well at school and in making new friends. Language is not an issue. At that age their brain receptors, key to learning new information and memory/retention, are functioning at levels much higher than we adults could ever hope so languages come much easier for them. The teen will progress at light speed past his Mom and he will become one of her most important language tutors in short time.

[southernX]

mendy , As to the teen, I've had lots of interaction with Russian teens and they are varied and different as kids anywhere else. However generally if the chemistry at home with Mom and stepdad is good, they typically do well at school and in making new friends. Language is not an issue. At that age their brain receptors, key to learning new information and memory/retention, are functioning at levels much higher than we adults could ever hope so languages come much easier for them. The teen will progress at light speed past his Mom and he will become one of her most important language tutors in short time.

+ 1 , that has been our experience

i think you should get to know the child , take an interest in them as a prospective stepchild, show you care & are interested in them as a person , their likes and dislikes , interests, etc . i was more inclined to cultivate a trusting relationship  as you would with your own children or your nephews and nieces etc , but i never asked my stepson about his feelings / input into the relationship i had with his mum ,

i decided to do all that was possible to demonstrate in practical ways my intent
follow the old philosophy of  ''look at what he does not what he says he will do ''

stick to your word and do it !!!  it will mean a lot more than what you talk about with her and the child !!

his mum decided what was good for him , as many other FSU women do for their children , even teenagers, ..i then watched to see how he reacted and complied with the  day to day stuff , not interfering  in her parenting until i had built a strong relationship  and was asked to give  input by my wife !!

example  being when she told him to wash his hair , or haircut , he complied , albiet with some minor protests, but he followed her direction , this was the pattern  in most things



do any of you talk about your relationship involving  your western wife  with your kids if their under say 16 or so ??  the deep serious stuff ?? do you expect to get them to give you counsel as an adult male ??  it is supposed to be the other way around !! 

imho it is not good to expect mature input from a teenager , you as the adults must decide if the relationship is strong enough ??and as the man if you want to & can handle it  your the mature one , you take on board all the info and make a decision , then commit to it !!  full stop imo 

SX