Letter writing etiquette - question

[mendeleyev]

What does that make me

Steve, it can make you an ineffective communicator with no credibility because of sloppy communication skills or it can drive you to improve which will prove you just the opposite.

It is whatever you decide to make of it.

School wasn't so important when I were younger

Shocking...   

[steveboy]

I think the UK has gone down hill considerably over the last thirty years. You cannot imagine how many leave school unable to write anything whatsoever. The most important thing in life is knowing how to make money and have a good standard of living? Do you know how many farmers there are in rural England who cannot even spell their name? They always know how much money is in the bank, usually millions:)


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-17368311

[mendeleyev]

Now I get it. Sorry, being that you are in the communication business and using a communication medium to facilitate that business, I hadn't realized until now that your services were targeted to illiterate wealthy British farmers.

My bad. Carry on with your business model.

Maybe once you've made millions you should write a book about how conquered that market. Wait, never mind the book idea. Bad idea.

[mendeleyev]

Steve, all joking aside, the USA has a similar problem with education.

For the business medium you are in, it will be in your best interest to either brush up on your native language, or hire someone you trust to clean it up for you. Even emails you send back and forth with clients will be judged on your communication skills so you may wish to consider tuning up those areas for your own success.

[steveboy]

  I agree totally .

[Lily]

It has been my experience that whenever I first write to someone on any given site such as EM, I get a warm response followed by another letter expressing a desire for continued correspondence with me. Invariably they go silent after this 2nd letter. This has been a long pattern for me and it makes me wonder why. I put a lot of care into my letters. I am always courteous and respectful, I am always careful to phrase my sentences in such a way as to avoid confusion even if they claim to know English. Is this common experience for other members here? Perhaps a cultural thing? I am not naive (and short of asking them) but I can't think of what I could be doing wrong. I've read various articles about dating correspondence but... ?

Sory about your experience. It is really frustrating to have put lots of efforts in your letters, and then to be permanently left with no answers. It happens.
 
I feel a little bit undecided to tell you that this is a cultural thing. Although, perhaps, there is a subtle cultural thing for RW who try to do their best in order not to offend their counterpart. Women may be happy to receive letters of interest from someone, however, they do not feel attracted to the man, so they answer him informing that they find him nice, interesting or whatever. They want to be polite. Then, when the man believes that he is well received and puts his efforts to continue, the women do not want to move any further.
 
Just a general idea.

[ML]

Women may be happy to receive letters of interest from someone, however, they do not feel attracted to the man, so they answer him informing that they find him nice, interesting or whatever. They want to be polite. Then, when the man believes that he is well received and puts his efforts to continue, the women do not want to move any further.

Lily, this is a very unkind thing to do as you have described.

Yes, be polite . . . in immediately telling the other party that you have zero interest in continuing.  Leave no doubt nor reason for the other party to try again.

Just like with advertising phone calls.  Don't listen, take up the callers time and then tell them you aren't interested.  As soon as the pitch starts . . . immediately say "I am not interested at all" and then immediately hang up.

[Lily]

Lily, this is a very unkind thing to do as you have described.

Yes, be polite . . . in immediately telling the other party that you have zero interest in continuing.  Leave no doubt nor reason for the other party to try again.

Just like with advertising phone calls.  Don't listen, take up the callers time and then tell them you aren't interested.  As soon as the pitch starts . . . immediately say "I am not interested at all" and then immediately hang up.

ML, I understand your point, it makes sense to me.
 
However, I noticed that sometimes, when I politely replied that I am not interested, I received an email full of anger and bad words towards me. Nothing in my reply could reasonably provoke this reaction. One good Canadian man told me that if an AW on a dating site is not interested, she will not reply at all.
 
Regarding those women in the OP question, they may be not aware of the considerations that you described. They may only have their own perceptions of what is polite and what is not.

[steveboy]

Many guys "expect" every women to reply, becouse they still think most women in FSU countries are desperate to marry any old guy who comes along. And many of these guys will even go as far as reporting the women to admin of the site for abuse, just becouse she refused his advances.
I see it happen all the time.

[Anotherkiwi]

This lack of reply is something which ML and I have always agreed upon.  I don't care how many letters the girl/woman gets, it's rude not to reply to someone who has made the effort to write a proper letter/email.  Even a one-liner (Thanks, but I'm not interested) will be appreciated by most guys, even if not by the paranoid nutters who were writing to Lily.
 
Elena's Models has an automated facility for men to answer women who write to them - just click a button and it sends a brief note roughly saying "Sorry, this member thanks you for your interest but doesn't feel that you're the one he's looking for."  I don't know if there is the same facility for women.

[Lily]

As far as I can recall, this facility was available to women, too.

[xiphoid]

Thanks to all for your excellent advice! However I would like to clarify a bit more. This situation that I described to you seems the same whether I write to them first or they initiate the first letter. I do avoid the glamour girls however; instead I focus on the "appearance" of modesty and sincerity of the photos and their self descriptions as bets I can. Also grammar is an important aspect of all my correspondence whether here or elsewhere. In fact I sometimes wondered if my letters were of a too "clinical" or "just the facts ma'am" style. Also I often use translators in reverse to check my letters for accuracy in meaning and intent.  I will read through once again your responses and learn what I can - with appreciation. For that matter become more immersed in this forum.

[GQBlues]

It has been my experience that whenever I first write to someone on any given site such as EM, I get a warm response followed by another letter expressing a desire for continued correspondence with me. Invariably they go silent after this 2nd letter. This has been a long pattern for me and it makes me wonder why. I put a lot of care into my letters...

You wouldn't, by chance, happen to have written to a woman who happen to have a daughter that went by the name 'Lily', would you?

 

[xiphoid]

"You wouldn't, by chance, happen to have written to a woman who happen to have a daughter that went by the name 'Lily', would you?"

No, I haven't GQBlues.

[die_cast]

In fact I sometimes wondered if my letters were of a too "clinical" or "just the facts ma'am" style.

No jokes? Can they find your letters boring?

I can't think of what I could be doing wrong

May be it's not about how you are writing your letters, but what you are writing?
For example, "I'm 42 y.o. man living with parents..." or "I have five kids who are living with me..." or "I am unemployed and on the dole..." or "My only hobby is reading/gardening/etc." or "I'm a true believer and a devotee, first and foremost I am looking for a lady that believes in God..." or "My future wife should be organised, tidy and love to cook and do the ironing..." 

[GQBlues]

X-

Of course, if you really would like to know what ails, and the bunch of us Sherlock Homies can actually give you a sound advice, post one of your email killer. Otherwise it's tough to speculate.

Bottom line is, having someone else 'write' your emails for you seem rather absurd since it doesn't really represent the 'real' you...

Look, here's the deal, Zac Efron can write the most ridiculous letter to any woman and he'd still close the deal without any problem. So give it to us straight, do you even have any body parts that look anything like Zac's?

[Voyager36]

Lily, this is a very unkind thing to do as you have described.

Yes, be polite . . . in immediately telling the other party that you have zero interest in continuing.  Leave no doubt nor reason for the other party to try again.

Just like with advertising phone calls.  Don't listen, take up the callers time and then tell them you aren't interested.  As soon as the pitch starts . . . immediately say "I am not interested at all" and then immediately hang up.

Sorry ML, I'd agree with Lily here. For the lady to "Leave no doubt" and be honest with her opinions could just invite nasty letters, being posted on a "scammers" website or worse. Sure, it would be helpful if she told him exactly what she thought, (ie You are a creepy old man writing to teenagers) but it's not her obligation. Guys do this all the time too, it's pretty much understood that if he/she stops writing for a long period, then they are not interested.   

[Lily]

Voyager36, I am not sure whether it would be helpful for him if the woman writes him what does she thinks of him. She may think whatever she wants, just anything, the bottom line is that she is not interested in this man. Another woman may have a different view, and may well like that same guy.
 
Sometimes I am being asked by men online why I am not interested in them. In 99,99% of the cases these are things that the man is not able to change about himself, or it would take him an enormous amount of work, if possible at all. When asked, I gave them this answer without any specifics. They would be better off with someone else.
 
Often people are just barking at the wrong tree, that's simple.

[steveboy]

I think there must be something wrong with me! I have never wrote any letters like anything ever described or seen here!

[SANDRO43]

So give it to us straight, do you even have any body parts that look anything like Zac's?

Do toenails qualify ?

[xiphoid]

An update. - I was not expecting such a large number of responses (and the response notices were going to my spam file) so it never occurred to me to save my letters. However it has become a moot point now. We have resumed exchanging letters and photos since her brief "disappearance". She alluded to something happening in her personal life but otherwise seems quite satisfied with my letters.
   I've thought it over - the lesson here for newbies and myself is just be respectful, patient and not to worry too much over that which one has no control - just try to enjoy the ride. The reasons could be anything and the ladies probably do get a lot of letters - more than they can handle.
   As an aside, I think using humor early in letters is a bit dicey. They may either not get it at all or misunderstand in a bad way. This has happened to me before, unfortunately.

[Faux Pas]

An update. - I was not expecting such a large number of responses (and the response notices were going to my spam file) so it never occurred to me to save my letters. However it has become a moot point now. We have resumed exchanging letters and photos since her brief "disappearance". She alluded to something happening in her personal life but otherwise seems quite satisfied with my letters.
   I've thought it over - the lesson here for newbies and myself is just be respectful, patient and not to worry too much over that which one has no control - just try to enjoy the ride. The reasons could be anything and the ladies probably do get a lot of letters - more than they can handle.
   As an aside, I think using humor early in letters is a bit dicey. They may either not get it at all or misunderstand in a bad way. This has happened to me before, unfortunately.

Ah, you may go far Grasshopper 

[jone]

Not to belabor the point, but: 

In EM, doesn't the profile give you an 'Expression of Interest' percentage.  In other words, how many men is this woman responding to?  If you are one of 90% EOI, then she probably is responding to just about everyone.  If her EOI is 5%, then you are one of the chosen few.    Calibrate your dialogue based on these numbers and you may achieve a realistic perspective.

Just a thought.