Letter writing etiquette - question

[xiphoid]

It has been my experience that whenever I first write to someone on any given site such as EM, I get a warm response followed by another letter expressing a desire for continued correspondence with me. Invariably they go silent after this 2nd letter. This has been a long pattern for me and it makes me wonder why. I put a lot of care into my letters. I am always courteous and respectful, I am always careful to phrase my sentences in such a way as to avoid confusion even if they claim to know English. Is this common experience for other members here? Perhaps a cultural thing? I am not naive (and short of asking them) but I can't think of what I could be doing wrong. I've read various articles about dating correspondence but... ?

[mendeleyev]

xiphoid, I don't really know the answer but wanted to thank you for your obvious care in letter writing.

One of the most common questions I hear from Russians is about the education level and quality of Westerners based on a profound lack of basic grammar, mistakes in spelling and the use of idioms not understood by persons for whom English is at best a second or third language.

In many parts of Eastern Europe and Asia, good grammar is viewed as a measure of intelligence. It is good when mean realize, myself included, that when we make basic language mistakes, we are judged as being of very low intelligence. So, keep up your writing style because in the long run it will stand out and help you with the right lady.

As to the problem you cite, were I to guess, and this is only a guess, my hunch is that the "system" generates the first letter and the response letter automatically. After that the number of ladies truly interested may be much lower than at first appearances. Others here will have better experience in answering that question.

[Anotherkiwi]

It has been my experience that whenever I first write to someone on any given site such as EM, I get a warm response followed by another letter expressing a desire for continued correspondence with me. Invariably they go silent after this 2nd letter. This has been a long pattern for me and it makes me wonder why. I put a lot of care into my letters. I am always courteous and respectful, I am always careful to phrase my sentences in such a way as to avoid confusion even if they claim to know English. Is this common experience for other members here? Perhaps a cultural thing? I am not naive (and short of asking them) but I can't think of what I could be doing wrong. I've read various articles about dating correspondence but... ?

I had the same problem for a while (not now, because I'm not writing to/talking with anyone at the moment).  The best guess I could make from my experience was that the first letter is pretty general - basic "getting to know you" stuff, without getting too heavy or specific.  My second letter was always much more in-depth, as was the usually the case in response.  However, by this stage the woman is getting a pretty good handle on your character, and once she forms an opinion it will never change.
 
For whatever reason, you have probably come up with at least two things in your letters which totally contradict something that Great-Aunt Sveta has instilled into your lady as being the absolute truth (e.g. air-conditioning kills you  , or Canada is part of the USA).  Because she can't trust you to tell the truth you are unworthy of any further thoughts, and she certainly won't waste time writing to tell you that she has dumped you.  Just think of this as a further test of your readiness for this voyage - if she can't be bothered writing to you to dump you (with or without reasons), she was never worthy of you in the first place.  It may hurt momentarily that she thought the same of YOU, but you'll get over it - probably another 50 times! 

[Faux Pas]

It's not a cultural thing. Why it is happening often to you could be a number of variables. IMHO, it likely has more to do with your second letter, something about it that is turning them off. What is in it?

Don't put a lot of stock in what they say early in correspondence. The second letter is still too early to unleash the full Monty of your dreams hopes, desires, what you want in a wife etc.. You are still very formal at that point. Likely you'll find many ladies that disappear after the 1st, 2ND, 3rd, 4Th letter for various reasons that have nothing to do with you other than, you didn't blow their skirts up.

EM's you are likely communicating directly with the woman. Start out initially emailing 20-30 that suit your fancy. The law of averages say you will get down to 5-6 of those for some more serious email conversation. Move those to the phone and Skype communication as soon as possible. Then, you'll be on your way.

The early communication especially email normally isn't anything more than two dogs going around in circles sniffing each others butts

[pokerintherear]

How brave are you?  It would be interesting to see the 1st and 2nd letter to a woman who went silent.

My thoughts are your 2nd letter completely contradicted your 1st letter. They sensed a misrepresentation or lie. Or there first letter said not interested and you went ahead and wrote a 2nd one thinking you could change her mind.

[JohnDearGreen]

...but I can't think of what I could be doing wrong. I've read various articles about dating correspondence but... ?

X:  The first two responses are probably their "form letters" from ladies who are getting a large amount of email.  After that, they would have to take the time and effort to compose a new letter.   Question is:  why do they not want to make the effort?   Are you emailing ladies a little out of your leagure?  Maybe look for one with great personality and matching interests and a little less on the looks?

[ML]

It has been my experience that whenever I first write to someone on any given site such as EM, I get a warm response followed by another letter expressing a desire for continued correspondence with me. Invariably they go silent after this 2nd letter. This has been a long pattern for me and it makes me wonder why. I put a lot of care into my letters. I am always courteous and respectful, I am always careful to phrase my sentences in such a way as to avoid confusion even if they claim to know English. Is this common experience for other members here? Perhaps a cultural thing? I am not naive (and short of asking them) but I can't think of what I could be doing wrong. I've read various articles about dating correspondence but... ?

My suggestion: 

1) Read a lot here. 

2)Then chose a couple of guys and a couple of gals that seem to be reasonable and helpful persons.

3) Send these chosen persons your first and second messages; and ask for their help in determining if you are making obvious mistakes.

Sorry, but; I shall not seek this office; and, if nominated, I shall not run; and if elected, I will not serve.

[ML]

It is good when mean realize, myself included, that when we make basic language mistakes, we are judged as being of very low intelligence.

Holy sheeeeet Jim!!

Are you playing the 'funny man' trying to set-up the 'straight man ??'

I won't bite on it;  well, I guess I just did.

[lonedrake]

I put a lot of care into my letters.

 My advice is....don't, at least for the first three or four letters.

 

[mendeleyev]

I won't bite on it;  well, I guess I just did.

 

[I/O]

One of the most common questions I hear from Russians is about the education level and quality of Westerners based on a profound lack of basic grammar, mistakes in spelling and the use of idioms not understood by persons for whom English is at best a second or third language.

In many parts of Eastern Europe and Asia, good grammar is viewed as a measure of intelligence. It is good when mean realize, myself included, that when we make basic language mistakes, we are judged as being of very low intelligence. So, keep up your writing style because in the long run it will stand out and help you with the right lady.

Read the above again, it's very good - Mrs I/O, I was to find out later and should have known, was sharing and dissecting my every word with her mother from the get go. Educated in the Russian vernacular kind of roughly translates to polite.
 
Stick to your style but take even more care to keep letters short to start with. I won't be surprised if that's a factor. If I can add one small point and it is a mistake I see so often, is that when communicating with someone whos first language is not yours, so many speak down to their reader - intentional or not, condescension (perceived or real) is utterly insulting. Write to your equal.

[LAman]

Not sure why your having a problem. It could be many things. More likely to me, early in communication many letters are 'form' of some kind and after a bit guys/girls continue to write to only the most favorable( can't continue to write lots of people).
I like to use KIS method.
Keep it simple
Keep it short
Humor is the best attraction!!!
If you want to get your ego up (as they say here) join Adate or write to ladies over 50 and see how many letters stop at 2!!!

[jone]

One of the biggest annoyances that bother women from FSU countries is when they read words that make no sense.  If they are using a translator, for instance, and someone writes 'YOUR' when they should have written the contraction 'YOU'RE'  (you are) it kills the translation. 

However, after reading through the illiteracy on this forum, it is amazing that anyone is successful in communicating with a woman from an FSU country.

 

[Patagonie]

You can send me yours letters and i will have a look, pm me.

[LAman]

You can send me yours letters and i will have a look, pm me.

I don't know how to tell you this but I think he is looking for a gal, you know, a female!!

[Voyager36]

It has been my experience that whenever I first write to someone on any given site such as EM, I get a warm response followed by another letter expressing a desire for continued correspondence with me. Invariably they go silent after this 2nd letter. This has been a long pattern for me and it makes me wonder why. I put a lot of care into my letters. I am always courteous and respectful, I am always careful to phrase my sentences in such a way as to avoid confusion even if they claim to know English. Is this common experience for other members here? Perhaps a cultural thing? I am not naive (and short of asking them) but I can't think of what I could be doing wrong. I've read various articles about dating correspondence but... ?

The first letter from the lady is often a generic answer, she's interested to hear more to get a better idea if she wants to start a relationship.
 
Some questions:
 
How long are your letters?
How old are you and how old are the ladies you are writing to?
Are you writing to the right ones? (Don't take this as a put down, but if you live out in the sticks or you are writing girls 30+ years younger that may be why you strike out)
 

[Anotherkiwi]

One of the biggest annoyances that bother women from FSU countries is when they read words that make no sense.  If they are using a translator, for instance, and someone writes 'YOUR' when they should have written the contraction 'YOU'RE'  (you are) it kills the translation. 

However, after reading through the illiteracy on this forum, it is amazing that anyone is successful in communicating with a woman from an FSU country.

 

I must admit that I, too, despair when I see some of the stuff on here.  I know that I've let the odd typo get away (not difficult when you've posted 1200 times!), but I do try really hard to make sure that the final version doesn't have obvious spelling or grammatical mistakes.

[ML]

I don't know how to tell you this but I think he is looking for a gal, you know, a female!!

Pat is being a good guy by offering to review the man's letters to gals and give him some advice.

Pat is married, so not looking . . . except at his spouse.

[Patagonie]

Pat is being a good guy by offering to review the man's letters to gals and give him some advice.

Pat is married, so not looking . . . except at his spouse.

Thank ML.

The fact that i am married means i am neutral for the OP.
And i have some experience with letters with FSU women, even if my preference was to meet.
If you do this OP, please give me a link with your profile and girls' profiles so i can make a complete check up. Thank.

[Turboguy]

I would suggest he totally scrap letter two and compose an entirely new one.  Without knowing much about what he is writing it would be interesting to know how long his letter is.   Mine were usually about 5 paragraphs.  Too long or too short can turn a woman off.   Does he call her by name a few times in his letter?   People like to hear their name and it helps connect.  Is there any reference to sex.   That could be a total turn off in an early letter.   Does he ask her a few questions?  It might help her know what to write about.  Does he answer her questions?  Not doing so would make them think it was a form letter.  Does he comment about what she said in her letter?  Does he say things that make him sound serious?  A comment that he would make a trip to meet her once they get to know each other can help make her feel that she won't be wasting her time.
Some drop off is normal.  When I was contacting RW I would hear back from a percentage of the women I wrote.  Of the ones that responded to my letter with a first letter about half of those would not write a second letter.  After that I still had some drop off but the rate was much slower.
I think it is important to convey that you have good qualities and that you are serious in your search.  Of course it is also important to be realistic in the women you contact.
 

[ML]

  Of course it is also important to be realistic in the women you contact.

Well, that would simply ruin everything.

[steveboy]

xiphoid, I don't really know the answer but wanted to thank you for your obvious care in letter writing.

One of the most common questions I hear from Russians is about the education level and quality of Westerners based on a profound lack of basic grammar, mistakes in spelling and the use of idioms not understood by persons for whom English is at best a second or third language.

In many parts of Eastern Europe and Asia, good grammar is viewed as a measure of intelligence. It is good when mean realize, myself included, that when we make basic language mistakes, we are judged as being of very low intelligence. So, keep up your writing style because in the long run it will stand out and help you with the right lady.

As to the problem you cite, were I to guess, and this is only a guess, my hunch is that the "system" generates the first letter and the response letter automatically. After that the number of ladies truly interested may be much lower than at first appearances. Others here will have better experience in answering that question.

What does that make me

[steveboy]

For many women and the same applies for men once they have decided to sign up to a site its like being in a candy shop. A women who joins today will receive a whole pile of letters and will show interest to many of them, as the days go buy and she receives more and more mails she will drop most of the guys who contacted her the day before for a better option. Its life.
The same applies for the majority of guys, he may be attracted to a girl and think he's onto a winner and start up communication. 24 hours later a mail arrives from a stunning beauty, every women is dropped for her.
Persistance is what pays.

[jone]

For many women and the same applies for men once they have decided to sign up to a site its like being in a candy shop. A women who joins today will receive a whole pile of letters and will show interest to many of them, as the days go buy and she receives more and more mails she will drop most of the guys who contacted her the day before for a better option. Its life.
The same applies for the majority of guys, he may be attracted to a girl and think he's onto a winner and start up communication. 24 hours later a mail arrives from a stunning beauty, every women is dropped for her.
Persistance is what pays.

I thought this guy was English.  I guess they don't teach English or grammar where he is from.  He is correct in content.  But he is horrendous in communicating it!   I think he has clumsy thumbs syndrome and is too lazy to make himself look respectable. 

(My grandmother was an English teacher.  Oh, no!  I think I'm becoming her!)

[steveboy]

I thought this guy was English.  I guess they don't teach English or grammar where he is from.  He is correct in content.  But he is horrendous in communicating it!   I think he has clumsy thumbs syndrome and is too lazy to make himself look respectable. 

(My grandmother was an English teacher.  Oh, no!  I think I'm becoming her!)

Thanks!! Im from Rural England. School wasn't so important when I were younger